Saturday, January 30, 2010

I Wasn't Raised To Discriminate - The Disease Wasn't Either

Jan 30. Hey guys & girls. Its the weekend officially & that means while alot of people are taking it easy I am working hard at my business. I spent the whole day from 7:30AM to 4PM at the shop in the market & it suprisingly did not drag on for the little amount of sleep I had gotten. There was no business, at least not in the jewelry world. I made one sale which covered lunch & rent, but thats fine by me. Like continuous sobriety, continuous presence at the market will eventually pay off I am sure of it. I got so much progress done due to the slow day that I actually priced each piece of jewelry individually before the close of business. That really helps in case I am busy with something, a customer can know see what they need to know without having to ask. If only that were true with sobriety though.

Unlike other things that have instructions, prices, or definitive time.. Sobriety was one of those life things that could not just be spelled out in black & white. Most alcoholics & addicts have been existing a certain way for so long that we can't do it right without someone showing us, and that someone has to be in recovery themselves or we won't be able to relate or listen to what vital knowledge they have. Another thing about the cunning, baffling, & powerful Disease is that it does not Discriminate. Unlike the way I was brought up in chosing 'friends', alcoholism & addiction does not pick and chose from a specific pool or 'classification' of people. Being a disease of spirit, mind, & body it has the ability to affect anyone that is breathing & with ability. In years past people tried to attempt to say that poverty stricken people were more likely to be alcoholic or addicts. That was proven to be false, wealthy people just had the money to keep their Disease a secret. They tried to say people living in cities were more likely to become addicts than people in rural communities. When organic drugs were discovered & a good recipie for wine or apple jack was passed on, the country folk got their drink & smoke on just as often as those who did not.

Some said that those of strong faith in a religion of moral & consequencial duties to abstain would keep people from falling victim to the disease, little did they know that other addictions than substances could lead right to them. Alcoholism is passed on from generation to generation scientists believe, but even in families without a history of it somehow it pops up. Truth is that NO stereotype, classification, ethnicity, belief system, or hereditary inheritence can say wether or not the disease will occur in a person's lifetime. Only by abstenence could a person gaurantee that they would not develop the physical phenominon of the disease, but the mental or spiritual defects that compose an alcoholic or addict can even exist in those persons. IT DOES NOT DESCRIMINATE. I was raised of a moral religion, by two loving & unseperated parents, with two older siblings not afflicted with the disease or at least not to a detectable level, and had a great childhood filled with activity & involvement. My exposure to drugs was due to my own curiosity & I was NEVER peer pressured into alcohol or drugs at any time in my life. I was an always have been a sort of leader in my friend groups & an independant when surrounded by beliefs that did not match my own. I never felt I had to fit in, I lived in the country where less drugs were in circulation.

With all of this going for me, HOW did I end up with the Disease of Alcoholism/Addiction? The answer is irrelivant and probably only known by my higher power. I do know this though, the solution today was not an easy one to find or any easy transition. I have had countless people tell me that they could not believe I am alcoholic. I've heard the "No not Jimmy" comment a thousand times. Before the solution, I had no answer to the questions of why I had to keep my addiction going or why I could not just stop. Today I know that untreated my disease will continue to grow, not just exist. That includes even if I do not feed it substances for a while & do not work a spiritual program such as the 12 steps. The same way that the phenominon occurs by the disease developing in all walks of life, the solution can relieve a sick & suffering alcoholic/addict without a know "reason" for it happening. I know why it works for me, but that is just for me.

Some people credit it to the change, support, & spiritual tools that enter a persons life that they didn't have before. That is surely part of it for me, but there is more. I COULD NOT STOP, yet today I have. Not on my own, but by my higher power & a program that works on me.. the alcoholic. So when you wonder why a person close to you is destroying themselves, their opportunity, their spirituality, & their life.. don't wonder, just know. KNOW IT DOES NOT DESCRIMINATE & it is not a choice. I lost the power of choice to use substances at age 15, three years after my voluntary experimentation with chemicals began. From that point on, until I found the solution to a real medically cerified DISEASE that crept into my life unvoluntarily I had no power of choice over using or drinking. It is only through spiritual growth, change & a higher power I believe in called God, that today I have to battle against this undiscriminatory, cunning, baffling, & powerful Disease that almost took my life & hearts of those close to me. Thank you to all who selflessly carried the message that there is a solution, who showed me the way, and all who loved & helped me along the way. Your ability to not descriminate against me for being sick was stronger than the diseases choice to pick me without discrimination itself. "We all discriminate somehow, cats over dogs, ford over chevy, a higher power over none. Can we picture the power behind something that doesn't discriminate? If we can, then we can see the power behind the disease & how much of a miracle it is to overcome. Are we willing to be beings of power and learn not to discriminate so much in our own lives?" Thanks for blogging in. You are still and always my inspiration to carry my hope, strength, and experience to others who will listen. May we grow together.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Friday, January 29, 2010

Momma's Boy - Emotional Reminders

Jan 29. Hey friends of sobriety! Thanks for giving this blog a chance once again and reading in. Today started out as an abnormal friday and boy it ended that way too. Despite the differences & a few concerns, it all worked out well in the end though. My normal friday routine is to have a fairly easy day, no commitments until late evening. The past month I have used spare time on fridays to work on my business ideas. I didn't sleep well the night before so this friday was already starting off on a long note. I rested into the late morning, usually my reading time or a project I have taken on, and nothing got done of course while my eyelids were closed.

I woke up to get ready for an off schedule doctor's appointment around 1:30. My father goes with me and to be honest, I like it that way. Its a rather far trip so we usually meet at least a half hour before if not sooner, we cut it down to the wire today & I had just enough time for a coffee before my appointment began. The doctor's was a great experience, I showed him the 'mission statement' from the new support group that a retired addiction counselor & I had started. It's the basic text we read at the beginning of each meeting, to describe who we are, why we meet, and what we do. The doctor happens to be an addiction specialist himself and he loved the thought that we created a group that accepts & helps people in recovery that rely on medication assistance to maintain their sobriety. We made the group because the other 12 step groups either look down upon, or ask that you not mention your situation at their meetings for the most part. So if you had a problem with your medication or even your doctor, who would you tell and how could you get into a solution if your asked not to mention it. Further if your looked down on for it, then shame that is not deserved starts to build and as a result people can get depressed and spiritually ill or possibly relapse.

The doctor liked the 'one page' message that we call our mission statement for the MARS group. He actually liked it so much he wanted me to explain it to a group he had going on a half hour later & so I did. After leaving phone numbers to contact myself or other group members & giving directions, he suggested why don't I leave a copy of the reading and write my phone number & location of the meeting on it. A professional addiction doctor who went through countless years of college and has countless paitents was interested in my cause enough to show it to his other patient's. Further he said if people had questions or wanted to know more he would like me to come back to his office and address organized group sessions that he has with the message. I don't make 100k+ a year, I never went to college, and I am not a spiritual leader by any means. But for some reason this doctor who helped me get sober thinks I have compiled the goods & have a contribution to help KEEP his patients sober after he GETS them sober.

Feeling not important but more like a useful tool in the box, I walked out of his office and into the car to ride home with my dad. We enjoyed some talk about it and a ton of other stuff while seeing the great view on the long ride. We got home did a few things, then I went to my friend's a mile away to see how his spiritual health was today. I don't check up on people for no reason, he is a good friend and had a terrible battle with this girlfriend to the point veins were popping from his neck the day before. With that in mind I went, he said he was fine and felt alot better because of the talk we had that day. Resting asured I went back home to wait for mom to get there so we could take part in our usual friday night feast out in town somewhere. When mom got home she was sick as a dog, she had caught a bug and was coughing so hard. She worked all day like that, exhausting herself like the warrior mom she has always been. My dad was very concerned and she was not well enough so we called off dinner. It really helped me to realize that its not always about me, sometimes others are sick or unwell in their own ways and need help. My moment of glory from the doctors office was over for the time being, mom needed rest & dad's help.

I substituded my usual night out for dinner with my sister, finding out later that my dad had to make an emergency run to the pharmacy to get my mom medicine. I am like my father in so many ways and a huge one is that we both love that woman with all our hearts & we both get nervous near the unkown. My sister assured me that nothing other than her catching ill was amiss so I went on with my night to see friends from recovery like every other friday. I wanted so badly to share my achievement of promoting the new group, but my biggest fan.. aka mom didn't need my bragging, if I stay sober today then there is always tomorrow. I held my tounge when I called her, just making sure she is okay, telling her how much I love her & how much I am gonna miss her hugs n kisses til the germs go away. Just something as little as a flu bug can bring me to worry for my mom, I can't entertain the thought of ever living without her. I know that I thank my higher power for the miracle of sobriety in my life with enough time to actually get to know her better than I did as the lost little boy who fell down. I know that one day I am going to have to stay sober without her help, possibly so I am strong to help her when she is in need. One day I will have to be like my father & care for a wife in sickness & in health. To provide & teach children the best way I know how to live & only hope they listen, unlike myself in the past.

As I get to know them better, and all our years grow in number I know this one thing is for sure. They do not know how much I appreciate them keeping eachother intact because without them in my life when I needed them the most I would not be alive right now to write this blog. With human & character defects like pride for my achievements, selfishness for gains, envy of others, and whatever thousands others can be listed.. there is only one human defect that matters the most with my mom and dad. In all the complex ways I have eluded the words I should say it simply. I LOVE THEM... Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Thursday, January 28, 2010

He Says, She Says - Who Is Right When Everyone Is Wrong?

Jan 28. Thanks to all who have blogged in this week to read up on my struggles & successes in Sobriety. I had an interesting & full day of various tasks & meetings. I guess I'll go over a quick rundown from this morning then quickly get into the topic for the night.

I woke up fairly early to my friend calling to say it was his day off work. The snow crippled his original plans to do some outside work so he asked what I was up to. I had plans to change the oil in my car because alot like me without matainence its bound to blow up sooner or later. He got ready to come over & help while I made my coffee. When he arrived we spent some time talking & he checked out some of the new jewelry I accumulated for the weekend market. Finally down to business we changed the oil in the garage & he went on his way. Later I met back up with him to get his kids because they were dismissed early from school & wanted to come visit him.

I got home and settled with enough time to eat a late lunch, change clothes, and head out to my individual counseling session. I have to say that the more open minded, optimistic, and spiritual I get, my counselor seemed less of each of these lately. She is not an addict and does not work a 12 step program, but all in all she never displayed these qualities before. My curiosity led to thinking perhaps I am growing or having a good spiritual day and she evidently was not. In any case I did all the work today to bridge the gap between us and have to say that it went well because neither one of us left dissapointed in the end with the visit & she did help me figure out a scheduling solution for my overly busy thursdays.

I had an hour break between the individual session & my group so I got a fresh coffee and returned some messages to friends. During my next group there were some new faces curious for information about medically assisted recovery & about the actual disease of addiction/alcoholism. It felt good to have a few of the answers & be able to relay them in a manner that they could understand. It was also nice to familiarize myself with some of the other members of the focus group because this was not a 12 step meeting and many of the people were often a mystery as they come and go. After the meeting a friend called just as I hit my car, almost like they knew that was the exact free moment I had to talk.

It was a young woman who I know from an aftercare group & the 12 steps rooms. She still lived at home with her mother and is not yet a legal adult. Catching all kinds of hell from her mother, who is also in recovery, she needed the one guy she is allowed to talk to without getting a microscopic examination. Its only because her mother and I have become good friends through the 12 step rooms that I am trusted in this position. She was going on how she feels she is right in her current fight & plight with her mother. Her mother being 7 years sober, she only being 6 months. It is very difficult for a family member to convince another in Sobriety that they are doing good things outside their eyes when for years they are used to the opposite. Its even harder for a young person to feel or know they are right about something and have a brick wall to go up against. My suggestion was simple, and something I had to learn not so easily to apply to my own life even though I don't have alcoholic/addict parents.

I told her to focus on herself for a while and to not operate outside her mother's concerns for a while. To bury herself into her program as best she can & to actually begin taking the 12 steps. She had not yet begun the footwork or step work to developing spiritual fitness and this was obviously her mother's concern that she cannot see herself. What parent would want their addict child to be out there unsupervised, under-age, and under spiritual fit levels. My hope is that it will sink in and that she will consider accomplishing what is necessary to actually be safe on her own two feet, because even I am vulnerable without a phone & a friend with the answers to call. I could only imagine what a parent can go through, let alone a parent in recovery who has fought that battle themselves. I pray that she finds her way through the 12 steps and follows the lead of the winners of the program. Not many people ask my opinion on what to do to stay sober or to survive coexisting with people other than ourselves, maybe thats because of only having a little bit of experience myself. I do know that sharing the solution with others helps me to remember what I must do myself. That is why I keep this blog, work my program to the best of my ability, and keep a hand out to the still sick & suffering. Sometimes the sick & suffering have even put the chemicals down, but have not put the peices back together. If we only try, there can be peace. "Have we been that friend that others have turned to for the solution? When we offered it did they listen? How often do we tell friends to solve a problem a certain way, that is difficult for ourselves to remember to do in our own lives? Thanks for joining to read in tonight. Your comments are welcome whatever they may be. Anytime is a good time to start living for Spiritual gain, which starts by us giving simple time to something other than ourselves. Til next time.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Needle & The Damage Done - Not Just A Neil Young Hit

Jan 27. Welcome back friends & family of Sobriety. Today was a different kind of day & I am eager to share about its different events that played out. The morning started off with my parents getting ready for work. Thats no different than any other day except the fact that they were celebrating 37 years of unity & dedication in their lives. I hope that when I reach their age I will be celebrating as well, but if not a union of love, then at least a dedication to Sobriety & Spiritual Living. I've seen the needle & the damage done, a little part of it in everyone, but this junkie does NOT have to be like a setting sun. And with the rise of the sun they were off to work, dedicated to running a household like any other day of the year. That inspiration is something I cannot easily forget, so many times I selfishly took time off work for lesser achievements such as 'getting high' on my birthday.

Shortly after my dad left the door my sister arrived to dry some clothes because her old one finally died & her new one was not coming until the evening. She happened to bring one thing that is still innocent in my life today, my young nephew. He was curious & energetic as always & a sweet sight for sore eyes. As tired as I was somehow he sat still long enough for me to summon the energy to color in a book together. I remember when those simple pleasures were all it took to make my life complete, and someone to do them with made it all the more better. It was long before the onset of addiction & the development of character defects as well as spiritual destruction. Ahh to be young again, but actually I am. The more I grow Spiritually the more I find myself feeling that child-like bliss. I hope that any of you reading this that may have lost touch with such pleasures like I did DO believe me when I say that they can be regained. Its the honesty & willingness that spirituality thrives off of. That and the desire to do for & with another. Children are experts at such selflessness & are naturally honest & willing until dishonesty is later developed as a reaction to punishment. After some goofing around and a few broken chats with my sister I took a nap.

I slept so hard that I missed my other sister coming to pick up my nephew. At first I was a little down, but had to realize that I must have needed the sleep & it was whats meant to be evidently. A short time later my mom arrived home from work & I set off to get cleaned up for my night of activities, starting with dinner that she made me. I went to pick up a friend who is almost Sober the same amount of day as me, however much younger & honestly has never "seen the needle & the damage done". I remember feeling thankful for her bottom never having to hit as low as mine, and being envious of how much less work she would have to do on herself in the long run for spiritual balance. We got to the meeting & there was a holdup because church members were having a meeting that ran late in our designated meeting room. A fellow we are all too familiar with showed up.

He had a rough life from what he shares, rougher than mine even for he spent over 14 years in jail, whereas I walked freely in step but a prisoner to my addiction for 14 years. Maybe we really had it as equally hard, only my higher power could measure such weights in the heart of another man, but I know this.. He was in sad shape tonight. He could not speak, his eyes distant & bloodshot, and he nearly fell with every step. He said he had a surgery tomorrow & that the doctors gave him a pill to calm him down. To be honest from my years of experience & knowledge of what doctors give for what, he was on no such thing. I saw myself quite some time ago when I looked at him tonight. He repeatidly nodded out of consciousness, eyes in the back of his head and arms limp. He had no awareness furhter than the person sitting next to him when he was conscious. It got so bad that he spilled his coffee during a lapse all over himself, table, & floor. He stumbled to the kitchen floor and nodded off, leaving everything to others to take care of, sticking to his dishonest call that one anxiety pill was all that was making him a 'little off' tonight. I HAVE seen the needle & the damage done. I have lived it. I have heard it too.. Its not just a Neil Young Hit from a few decades ago.. its a harsh reality that destroyed my life, my spirituality, & my will to endure for many a day in my adult life.

Knowing what it took for me to finally seek the light of the spirit & the life of sobriety I could only lend words of advice to the friend I brought that was so horrified like so many others were who never saw a person on dope. "We can clean up his messes, we can listen to his stories, but we cannot change his heart & until he or his higher power accomplishes that nothing can be done but to let him sit in his own shit. Do you want to wipe his ass or save your own? That is what you need to remember." I would never had been so tough with my words, but its what applied to me & its what they needed to hear because they were beggining to stress over having cleaned up his mess & 'what to do next'. If your not spiritually fit enough to help another yet, then just being in the program to help yourself and filling an empty chair is enough help for us all. The sick reminder of my own repulsive lifestyle in the past tonight has reminded me of one thing.. if I ever use one time again, I could spend eternity like that forever. "I've seen the needle & the damage done, a little part of it in everyone, but every junkie's like a setting sun." With the light of the spirit I hope the Sun never sets on me & with your continued support I stay confident it never will. "Have we seen situations play out that are all too familiar? Knowing we cannot help, have we tried to help the others who have not seen what someone else is experiencing? Can we summon those old tapes of our mistakes & remember to play them past the fun and through to the tragedy, or do we stop at the fun and tempt ourselves to dive back into disaster?" Thanks for blogging in. Until next time.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

"Gratitude Is The Attitude"

Jan 26. Hello everyone. Today was a normal day for the most part, but filled with a certain feeling that is hard to describe. I started off to an early rise at 6AM to see my parents off to NYC for a doctor's appointment. I left shortly after to start my morning early & get a jump on my day so later I could relax & enjoy the afternoon.

When I got back home from my morning errands I couldn't help but feel blessed. Another day sober, quite the blessing after the 14 years of hell I endured with no visible solution. I have two great people in my life for a mother & father, the thought of them staying on top of their health gives me hope that there will be many more years of us experiencing eachother. Without Sobriety in my life today this time together would be spent apart instead. Even if I lived in the same house as them during active addiction I was so far gone in many ways that being in the same room as them I still felt alone. Today I am full of gratitude that I can feel their presence of love when I sit amongst them & even when they are as far away as NYC. We can actually communicate, share honest feelings, and I no longer have to live in secrecy or shame for being who I am, who I was, or who I intend to be.

The feeling was relaxing and being inspired I decided to upload pictures of my Sobriety Coins to my various online accounts, including this blog. I just felt like sharing them with others because like a trophy for sports, medals of war, and ribbons in contests, they show achievement & victory in my cause. Having shared them I felt that gratitude once again, for all the people that helped me get there. Different persons, meetings, and things have contributed to each of those milestones and will never be forgotten. Along with my higher power there is no material thing that I could wish for above the influences of Spiritual Progress.

I found myself losing that "Attitude of Gratitude" when I saw an advertisement from my cell phone provider. I had spent months researching phone compatibility & different options for getting what I wanted out of a phone without changing companies or paying more. It seemed I had to settle for only part of what I wanted instead of what I could actually use best because no phone was out yet to do what I needed. Wouldn't you know it, less than 30 days after Christmas the phone & service I wanted so badly is now available through my carrier. At first all I could feel was frustration & dissapointment that I now wanted something material more than the phone my parents got me for the holiday. Over something as simple as a selfish desire I had lost track of the gratitude I felt earlier in the day, THIS is how tricky the disease of alcoholism/addiction and spiritual depletion is. It gets us with the simple things, things that make us happy suddenly making us irritable or discontent. I decided I had enough & late into the afternoon had a little free time, so I took a nap to cool off about it.

When I woke up the phone was the farthest thing from my mind. There was a celebration meeting for 3 people in the program I work whom I happen to know pretty well. One is actually the older sister of a High School friend, so I felt not only driven but a social significance in going. Turns out the speakers there & the celebrants 'reception' speeches for their coins were just the thing I needed to hear. The gratitude from earlier in the day had not only returned, but had been added to. So in time with a few sacrifices I will get that phone, that is if I keep focus on how good things will come my way. That focus is on maintaining my Sobriety & growing spiritually. To keep working on the program & gain progress rather then get absorbed in material, selfish, or unworldly things. If I only maintain that "Attitude of Gratitude" surely things will come my way far beyond my desires, maybe into my dreams come true. I have faith that it works if I chose to work it. Help comes when I help myself. And hard work always pays off. "Has there been those moments that make us appreciate all that people & things do for us to make our lives great? Do we show gratitude often enough towards those people? When something takes that gratitude away, even if for only a moment, how or what has helped us get it back?" Thanks for reading friends. Your support as always is vital to my constant dedication to this project. If nothing else, in years to come I will have a wonderful Archive of growth & understanding to reflect on should dark minutes turn into hours of spritual need. Until next time... Good Night, Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Jan 26. Hey Friends!! I had a little extra time today so I thought before I do the blog tonight that I would share some pictures of a few of my Sobriety & Recovery Coins. Each one has a special meaning to me or represents not only the length of my Sobriety but also the growth in my Spiritual Life. I just though some of you might want to see them for yourself. The Cross picture was just taken metaphorically to show a 'visible' accumulation of spiritual principles & works in my life.

















The Expect Miracles Coin & its backside was picked out by me during my Detox phase at Clearbrook Rehabilitation Center. The physical, mental, and spiritual torment that I was enduring during those days made me reach out, hoping for some form of miracle to end the suffering or at least make breathing to stay alive more attractive. By that I mean the physical aspect of the withdrawl was a horrible experience that I went through many times, but this time in particular was by far multiples worse.



















The Last Coin I shared here was my most recent, the Six Month Recovery Coin. My Sponsor had been motivated enough by my continuous Sobriety to even make an appearance for me accepting this. It was a fine moment in my heart & soul to recieve it because its recorded that most addicts & alcoholics never make it to this amount of time in recovery & those who do often require several tries. I truly am blessed to have made it this far, one day at a time. :)


















I hope you enjoyed seeing these. Until tonight's blog topic.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Monday, January 25, 2010

Small World - Big Possibilities

Jan 25. Hi all my wonderful friends. As usual I need to keep it green and thank you all for coming by to read. My gratitude can never be measured for the continued emails, IM's, comments & support. If there is ever something that you'd like to see me talk about here feel free to mention it. For today I would like to talk about some stuff that went suprisingly well during my travels tonight.

The great chain of events started when I called my cousin to see if he was going to come & support the new group a friend & I started. Its for people that are medically assisted & in recovery. He said he would come & not only was it a great meeting for me, but he expressed how much he liked the meeting & how comfortable he was with the way things are done. It felt good to know that something I had a part in starting was being appreciated by people. I knew that his opinion of everything was genuine because we have always been the type to keep things straight with eachother no matter what our situations are at the time. After the meeting ended & I dropped him off I headed out to my home group for a celebration of a fellow group member.

It just so happened I made it there before he was up to accept his coin & speak. He wrote a wonderful poem about sobriety & his struggles in it. I got to see many people from other meetings who made their way out to celebrate with him & 2 years was quite an achievement for this guy. I can only imagine the feeling of accomplishment that was in his mind & heart at that moment. After the meeting ended there was a guy who was stranded with no ride home. I knew immediately that there was a reason for me showing up now, no matter how late I was coming from the other meeting. It's always in my heart to show another alcoholic or addict the kindness that was shown to me when I walked through the doors of the 12 step meeting rooms. I volunteered to take the man home & talked highly of sober living as well as the direction the program has given my life today. After dropping him off I headed out to get gas & go find something to do for a while so I could grab a coffee somewhere.

I ended up at my usual spot to enjoy a coffee & kill time. I played a game for a little while and looked up noticing a beautiful girl that I had seen there once before. Something told me that I need to talk to this girl, so I made the attempt. Its funny how different it is talking to someone I find attractive today v.s. when I was in active addiction. I no longer have the shame, fear, discontent or any of the other things that used to hold me back. The conversation flowed natural, almost like we had been friends for a long time or something. I found it easy to be open & honest with her. My honesty ended up opening a door to a topic that we spent nearly an hour talking about. The topic was Sobriety with the help of medication for a few minutes then drove deeper into the topic of Spirituality. It seemed this stranger completely understood where I was at & how I put spirituality as the primary focus of my life these days. It turned out our past 6 months of our lives were nearly identical. Even more interesting the goals & desire to help others was expressed & from what I could tell was almost as driving in her heart as mine were.

I find it funny how "Small Of A World" it is. Its not really a small world at all. I actually believe that my higher power put this girl in my path. If not for just a friendly conversation to help convince me that my direction is good, then perhaps for more. Maybe I will end up making a lasting friendship with an inspired & beautiful girl in Sobriety. I think that should she chose to keep in touch it will be an opportunity to help another addict to stay sober. My higher power can only know the answers to what happens next for me in every aspect of my existance, but I certainly know this.. it always seems that exactly when its supposed to happen, someone or something enters my life these days to improve my sobriety or fullfill the promise that great things come with continuous efforts to live a spiritual & sober life. I can only think that good things come to those who do good things. Karma? Yin-Yang? Golden Rule? I don't know, but I will continue to do spiritual things & attract to spiritual people. I have not been let down yet. "Have we ever gotten the feeling that people or things are put in our lives just to help us through? Even if for an hour, a day, or the rest of our lives, Can we appreciate the chances we get to find reward in others? When was the last time that something has entered your path that you considered a blessing & what was it?" Thanks for your time readers & keep coming back. Without friends like you to share my adventures with I wouldn't be so refreshed each night before bed. Until next time.. Good Night. Good Morning.. . <3 Jimmy

Sunday, January 24, 2010

A Better View Through - The Spiritual P.R.I.S.M

Jan 24. Hey everyone, I hope your Sunday was as productive & enjoyable as mine. If not I hope that you caught up on the relaxation that you needed. I was at the Eynon indoor market again today running the Treasure Hunters shop & meeting new people. Being sober makes me feel confident selling merchandise there not only because I have composure but I am proud to sell myself as a person too. I guess the whole experience is refreshing after having avoided contact with others for so long in addiction.

The self confidence that helps me feel so comfortable in these situations comes from what I try to practice daily. Alot of people wonder what exactly I do to maintain my current growth in spirituality & sobriety. In other words, they want to know how I don't receed when I am not gaining progress & in between moments, exercises, & enlightenments that contribute to my spirituality. Basically what I do is a simple acronym that even non-alcohoics/addicts can adopt. It is a general maitenence step for good spiritual life and it goes a little something like this...

Its called P.R.I.S.M. First I will explain what it means as an alcoholic to use this daily maitnence regimine, then I will give some example substitutions for non-addicts that have used this for just spiritual maitenence. The "P" stands for Pray. I believe in a higher power that I can talk to freely & in gratitude, need, weakness, or worry I ask it for certain assistance or support. Praying is not religion specific, I don't dictate or define what religion someone should believe, but we all need to have a higher power that is intangible and immesurable. The praying/meditaiton give me a feeling that regaurdless of where I am at in my journey that I am not alone & that I am not the most important thing at any given moment. I want to add quickly that the letters of this 'practice' don't need to be done in a specific order, I have just found that when I do all of them in a day I tend to feel free from the wordly downgrades & really spiritually well. Next is the "R" which stands for Read. I personally read the 'Big Book' from the 12 step program I am a member of. Others who are not alcoholic might chose to read an inspirational or self help book, or possibly a book about the higher power or faith they believe in. The important thing is to read about what you are trying to accomplish or maintain which for me is Sobriety, Spirituality, & my Higher Power.

Next in the exercises is the "I" which stands for Inventory. This means to take a brief inventory of yourself for that day. Where was I wrong in that dispute last night? Can I do anything to help others or help make my life better today? This is so that daily you are ridding yourself of excess emotional baggage or preparing yourself for a spiritual act. The "S" stands for Speak. As in speak to another alcoholic or addict that is in recovery or wants to be, as well as your sponsor. For non-alcoholics this would be someone you admire spiritually, perhaps a mother, friend from your sunday congregation, or someone who shares the love for relaxation thru yoga as a few examples. The conversation keeps you in tune with that your goals or situation is accomplishable & offers opportunity to learn more from another on how to grow towards your spiritual capacity. The final letter is "M" which is for Meeting. For me & other addicts this is the 12 step meetings that we attend. The exposure at a meeting, even if only two people, is a way to get yourself into spiritual action, get out of yourself for a while, and get exposure to solutions for problems or new ways to grow. For non-addicts this could be a gym membership, a yoga class, going to a bible study, or a coffee shop to talk about life for a while. It is vital to getting outside self-centeredness where spirituality cannot grow.

This simple technique when done daily helps ensure that my spirituality does not take a backslide. When a problem or undesirable event comes up this helps work it out on a daily basis. It gives me a clean slate, a pool of ways to learn more, and opportunities to practice the spiritual life that I will forever strive to perfect. Because I am human I know I will never in a million years have a perfect spiritual life, but its all about progress not perfection. If I just do these few simple things then I am able to grow when the opportunities present themselves & the enlightenment is there. If I am backsliding however, the opportunities only allow me to catch up to where I was before spiritually rather then actually grow. In closing I would like to quote a friend from the program that made the purpose of this exercise so desirable to me.. "We are all spiritual beings on a human body adventure, the more we get outside this adventure, the more we get to exist as our true spiritual selves." "Have we found ourselves on a spiritual backslide, at some points not liking the person that situations or others have made us become? Were there times that prevention & getting outside the flawed human body existance would have helped us better cope or improved our happiness through difficult or sorrowing times? Is spiritual growth one of my goals or am I only worried about the advancement of the things that can be taken away by my higher power?" Thanks for hanging out to read this one in its entirety. I wish everyone who reads this the riches soil and plump seeds to grow their spiritualiy. Friends of sobriety, thank you for your support and may God bless you. Until tomorrow.. Good Night, Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Give What You Want - Selflessness

Jan 23. Hey friends. Today was incredibly long & I have just as long a day if not longer tomorrow. I thought instead of focusing on a specific topic tonight I might just give a run down of my & a few things that happened. Maybe reflect a little bit or elaborate on a few of the details or thoughts as I settle down here at home.

I started the morning off running 15 minutes late, which is normally not a big deal because I show up early, so late is.. on time? Anyway, a normal saturday is slower than sundays which means more quiet time to set up in the morning. It just so happens this is the one time that my partner slept through the alarm & was running over an hour late from his usualy start. With that kind of news & only three hours of sleep myself I knew that it was going to be a long morning, if not a whole day. The good thing was that I was up to the task. Normally I would be panic stricken or felt overwhelmed by having to setup & handle a two man job by myself. I took the news with stride instead & at a steady pace worked the displays into their normal places from the boxes & totes they are packed in.

Before I could even open the store or get a third of the way set up, another vendor showed up to look around. He is the kind that basically comes early to bug other vendors by rooting through their stuff before it is set up. He asked if I had anything new & instead of my normal wanting to push him away to get my work done before spending customers came in, I treated him with respect & showed him some of the new items for sale. One of those items was an antique 'little orphan annie' wind up watch. His eyes opened wide immediately & I actually felt myself becoming happy by seeing his face light up with his own joy. He asked how much & we struck a deal.

The point of that little exchange was to remind myself of how intraverted I was during addiction & even outside of it when I was not spiritually fit. This was a change of pace for me & the first opportunity for me to find joy through other's finding their own. My partner arrived & we pushed to set up & nearly beat the opening time for the market. I saw several friends during the course of the day. People that are not normally at the market, but because of word of mouth, online announcements, & my phone message people were starting to come out and see my 'little operation'. The commendations I got from people were refreshing & worth more than a paying customer at the moments they were recieved. It seems regaurdless of how quickly success comes, many people are interested and have confidence in my ability, presentation, and merchandise that I sell. It made me feel good for a change to be able to care what others thought of me without worrying if it was anything negative.

Before closing my partner asked if I could take him to Bloomsburg to meet a distributor at a card show. He explained how he wanted to do some purchasing there & how important it was to him. His vehicle was not fit for the trip and to be honest going the trip alone would have been a steep chore instead of a casual long ride. I knew what it meant to him, and for some reason I said yes without needing much convincing or ironing out the details. I just knew that if it made him happy & was something that was good for him or his end of the business that I would be happy to help. The end result was far more than happy, he was ecstatic about some of the cards & boxes he bought for resale & how much he would make. To see him like a young boy thumbing through some cards to find an autograph in the pack he opened was payment enough, although he did insist of paying for gas. I couldn't help but enjoy my day, on the way home I was thinking of how I didn't get a moment for myself.

The more I thought about it on the way to decide what meeting to attend, the more I realized how much time I really DID have for myself. Everyday that I get out of my 'self' and into other people I grow a little more spiritually. I understand a little more what my higher power has intented for me to do and enjoy in this world. That simple task that brings so much happiness my way is to help others, and make things enjoyable for them. With good and moral people this goal ends up leading me to places & other people that are enjoyable. When I end up going the extra mile for a 'bad' or immoral person I end up feeling the opposite, used, a waste, disgusted, powerless. It was nice to spend the day outside myself & the more that I am able to do it the better I get to become. Through practicing 'selflessness' I am learing how to be a better people pleaser, pleasing myself in the process when the result is happiness for them. I can only wonder how great it will be to one day have a family of my own to exercise selflessness & find joy in their comfort, love & happiness. "When we are overloaded or used to a person being a certain way do we sometimes find it hard to be of service to others? Does the rewards of people pleasing outdo the rewards of self gain in your relationship with your higher power? Is there a healthy balance between the two that you have, can, or wish to establish in your life? Where are opportunities in our life that we can begin to practice and test the spiritual warmth from selfless actions?" Thanks for coming to hear about my day. Please feel free to comment, answer any of the questions, talk about something I said, or just tell me about your day. I am so grateful for you blogging in today.. Until tomorrow.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Friday, January 22, 2010

Bad Luck, Bad Deal - The Truth In Consequences

Jan 22. Hey everybody. Today was a pretty good day, although I slept too much & had to cram alot of things into the early evening & late tonight to catch up. Now that things are up to speed I thought I would share some things with all of you. Thanks for showing up to see what is going on.

I went out to dinner with my parents & one of their good friends. It was nice to not have to be fake or not be myself for a change. Alot of years I had to try extra hard to hide my toxic truth when around others. I didn't do it to keep anything a secret so much as I was embarassed about my condition & didn't want to pass that embarassment onto my family in front of their friends. I got good at keeping my mouth shut and eyes on something else or closed when people were around. This time I didn't have to. Its actually nice to see that my parents aren't ashamed to talk about whats happened, instead they can speak proudly on the fact that I am living the solution. I wish the same could be said & done for others, but tonight I was reminded that not everyone who talks the talk, walks the walk too.

I was asked by my sponsor to help a guy out that was having trouble getting to meetings. I had seen the guy at our home group before & assumed like most of us that he was trying to find out more about the disease & how to combat it. Assuming such things I volunteered to help him get to and back home from our home group meetings on fridays & home on mondays if he could get a ride there. There are too many people in the fellowship to keep track of everyone's story, or to even have a personal conversation with them all. Those kinds of things happen if a person sticks around long enough to let such an opportunity happen. Well this was an opportunity for me to meet another alcoholic & possibly make a new friend as well as do service work which helps me get outside of myself by helping another person out. On the ride to tonight's meeting he said some things that made me wonder where he was at in his sobriety & where his acceptance was for his situation & consequences.

It seemed he had quite a track record of drinking, driving, & getting caught. I tried to negotiate into his mind that its not the justice system or the getting caught part that is the problem. By then I had gotten no return through from him because we had arrived and the meeting was about to start. I don't believe in coincedences, everything happens for a reason, even when we think we are using self will. Well fate would have it that the topic at the meeting tonight was consequences. It gave me an opportunity to think back at all the 'dues' I had paid to earn my spot in the chair at the meeting. I have faced fines, institutions, near death, and spiritual devestation time and again. Friends & loved ones had moved out of my life, some never to return. I was toxic minded before finally listening to the message & taking that honest, fearless, & moral inventory of myself. I used to blame judges, cops, girlfriend's, parents, employers, and many other people & things for the consequences I had to face in my 14 years of insanity & addiction. I still face some of them today, but the difference is that I have done that inventory with my higher power as my witness, and I have found my part in all of them. I was wrong or had guilt in more scenarios than I can remember from my past where consequences came to surface. Today I can admit that, and as the meeting concluded and we prepared to go home the conversation from earlier resumed while getting into the car. It seemed this fellow alcoholic was not yet able to have the rigorous honesty & perspective it takes to gain spiritual progress, I'll explain why.

He proceeded to tell me how that next weekend he will have to do 2 days in jail for missing a required treatment court meeting (something that is not associated with the 12 step program I work by the way). He blamed it all on them being too strict and not giving him a chance to be human when the reality is that he missed the date on his calender and realized before it was too late, just did not leave work to go and handle it. He also said that the times he got caught driving while drinking were not the big issue that it was the cops not cutting him a break because he wasn't that intoxicated. And the final thing that reminded me of my old self, taking any excuse, any new method, any reason to keep going or start back up again.. he said that if & when he gets the braclet off his leg and drinks again, he just needs to not drive because its definite jail time long term and that his only problem was not knowing when not to drive after drinking too many.

I remember trying to rationalize certain consequences, figuring out new ways to try and manage an unmanagable problem to avoid getting in trouble the next time. From not traveling with anything but a gram & rolling papers all the way to having everything delivered to my house so that I didn't have to risk the outside world stumbling upon my addiction at all. I now can see how insane that thinking was. I know without a doubt that the problem was the chemicals themsevles & the lack of a way to keep them out of my life for good. I have that now, so long as I continue to work the program & follow its suggestions. As long as I remain honest, willing, and able to find my part in things. If I remember my consequences from the past & do whats necessary to never fear them repeating themselves. I can only pray for this man who is still sick & suffering, that he will one day connect to his higher power, find his part in it, and recognize the insanity and do whats needed to remove it from his life. I can no longer find an excuse to kill myself slowly, risk instant overdose, deterorate my spirituality & relationships with others, or avoid the thoughts or feelings of who and what I really am by masking it with chemicals. There is no reason, no excuse left in my body. My life is in the hands of sobriety and all the promises that develop true daily because of it. It's because of the still sick and suffering & my opportunity to do something as simple as give them a ride to a meeting that my higher power has reminded me of this tonight. So may we all be reminded. "Have we been blind to our consequences, always placing the blame on bad luck, a bad deal, or a poor choice? Have we been honest and searching of ourselves to find out that the real problem is something we are doing, feeling, or romancing in our minds? When we find our part in it and work on ourselves, can we not grow past the blame and move into the solution for us?" Thank you so much for listening in. You are all the ears to my mind, as sick or as well it can be, you are loved for listening. Til Next Time.. Good Morning. Good Night.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Charging Your Spiritual Battery - Letting Go Of Negativity

Jan 21. Hello again all my wonderful readers. Sorry last night's blog was so long but I had alot of ground to cover in a one part post. I really appreciate the feedback through comments, IM's, and email. You are all such a great group of people to draw inspiration & strength from. Please don't be shy, anonymous comments are always welcome & we all have something that we could share to benefit one another. Speaking of sharing lets get into tonight's blog work.

It wasn't too long ago that I found myself stressing over the actions of other people. Not only that but I was worried about how they felt about me & was angry over the way things were going in certain relationships at the time. I felt like I was putting more into them than they were putting back into me. Like I was trying to "Charge Their Spiritual Battery" with mine, but wasn't getting any positive juice back. The result was a my low battery light coming on in the form of emotional & spiritual discontent. I had to come to that realization that I was completely powerless over other people. I also had to practice acceptance that things were the way they were because thats how they were meant to be. Now that weeks have passed & the distance in those relationships has grown farther. I still make the occasional attempt to keep in touch or leave that reminding message that I am still out there extending a hand if they ever reach back. I guess the difference now is experience of a few weeks gained by the continued practice of acceptance & other signs of powerlessness that have helped me grow a bit more.

I can almost say whole heartedly now that I was actually being foolish to offer so much attention, care, & commitment to the said persons in each case. They really never did return a quarter of the effort I had put in. My discontent at the time started a cycle of alcoholic efforts, aka going too far with even simple things. I can actually see how much more productive I have been without those negative and parasitic relationships dragging me down. I have accomplished more in the past two weeks than in the past two months in relation to improvements in social, financial, & spiritual life. I can actually feel gratitude for the absence of one sided relationships today. Since I began letting go of one specific person I have gained back so much time that was wasted chasing the 'feel good' presence that they provided at times. Its this formerly 'alcoholic/addict' time that the spiritual program I follow is teaching me how to manage differently.

Since getting these people out of the foreground others have stepped in to overshadow them. Granted these new (and some old) friends are not necessarily filling the same role that another did, but they are making their willingness to put back into a relationship known. Since the social & mental change I have accomplished several things I can name. In prior weeks these accomplishments would have taken my efforts away from the 'friendships', meaning there was a good chance that I would have sacrificed them for that feel good excursion with them instead. To name a few things that I gained by letting go.. My business has moved from a mild weekend market opportunity to a full blown jewelry business with thousands of dollars in inventory & great business partners & friends. I have had more nights to spend that extra half hour with my family or my sponsor rather then driving someone home or spending time & money to put a smile on someone's face who does not try to put one on mine. I have not been awakened by my phone going off at 3AM because I was ignored for the 8 hours my message to them was in their mailbox.

I guess my general message for tonight is this.. It is truly wonderful to have let go of the negativity. I really cared for some of the people in those relationships, and still do wish them spiritual, mental, and physical wellness. Without them however my direction is positive. Life for me these past two weeks has been care free and full of opportunity. I only was able to see it without the distractions. There are so many more things that I want to let go of that affect me adversely and in time with my support group (you all included) maybe I will achieve removing many of them from my life. I am not learning how to live a normal life, I see 'normal' people hang on to negative things till they are torn from their clutches. I strive today to build a foundation to instead live a spiritual life. One where the recognition of positive things and the removal of negative will propel me into the best condition I can be & that is helping others. I will continue to share my struggles, victories, and defeats with everyone who cares to listen because I can't do this alone. None of us can. Its a "we" world. Nothing great was accomplished without the contributions of another. Alone we produce selfish negative energy & exist only for ourselves & personal gain, together we produce positive energy & can exist for eachother's enpowerment. I choose to find the positive things to put my whole self into and when those things happen to be people I know that the 'feel good' won't just be for a moment, it will be for as long as I can continue on this earth. "Are there things, places, people in our lives that fill us with negativity? No matter how spiritually fit we are, Can we see the change in us when we stay close to that negative source? When we let go or distance ourselves from that source, what kind of positive things were within reach?" Thank you for your positive energy readers, your interest in my life & successful sobriety is a reflection of other positive things around you that make this all worth while. Recognize them & hold them dear, if you lose track of them you could spend your next 14 years like my last 14 years. For Now... Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Get Me Out Of This One And.. - Foxhole Prayers vs Spiritual Living

Jan 20. Hey friends. I have missed the blog the past few days and made a point at getting home early enough to work on it. Besides my higher power, nothing has helped me feel as good as sharing the spiritual wealth I accumulate with others. I had to cut plans short with a few loved ones to get the time before I got too tired but here I am typing this entry & content with doing it. :)

I had heard a man talking to someone else as I passed through a crowded area tonight. He mentioned the term "foxhole prayer". I remember seeing many movies about war soldiers in the trench, praying that if God just got them through that attack that they would change their ways.. stop killing civilians, live to do the work of their maker, or in one instnace I recall.. treat their wife better when they got back to the USA. God protected that particular soldier from missles exploding all around him, but not another unfortunate other who's legs were blown off. As the injured soldier screamed for help to the other, the man watched in horror. He immediately had forgotten his commitment in prayer and selfishly stayed tucked down in his bunker. The injured man still screamed on to him for help. In his ignorance and the true lack of spiritual commitment in that prayer perhaps God himself caused the next thing to occur. "To hell with him, I'm not going out there to save anybody" he said, seconds after a grenade toppled into the small hole he was hiding in. Blown into pieces. Had he gotten up and helped the other man, as God would have him do, he would have lived maybe a moment longer or maybe forever because an American helicopter flew down to save the man with no legs & he lived to tell this story.

I think of how many times in my addiction I prayed for God to help me not be sick one more time. When I was overdosing and losing consiousness as I threw up over the toilet, not knowing if my body was shutting down for good or if I would choke to death. I said prayers time after time in those moments and in even worse ones. Promising whoever or whatever was out there driving the force of the universe to just give me another opportunity to change and take action. For years those prayers were the same as those in the foxhole soldier's story. I had no spiritual commitment behind them. No plan to fullfill the promises in return. I was bargaining with my higher power with no intention of keeping the promises on my end. For some reason, my higher power kept their end of the bargain though. One day, nearing my sincerest cry to him for help, I was on my way walking home. Broke from binges the two days before, hungry, and injured feet from working so hard and not feeling the pain due to the pain killing properties of the dope. I couldn't walk much more and needed a break and I had chosen a church's grass yard to rest. I hit my knees in pain and suffering from my addiction and asked God to just help me. I promised him that as soon as I figured out how, I would change my ways and do what my beliefs say is acceptable. When I stood up, there behind me had blown a 20 dollar bill. Money for food. To some people this would not click, but in my spiritually damaged state it was my higher power telling me that he was there and DID support my goal to beat addiction.

I can recall many other prayers before that being answered for the moment & me destroying the situation all over again. It took me quite some time to actually beat that addiction problem, and another prayer as well, but with this prayer came a final and lasting spiritual commitment attached to it. I'd like to share it with you because I feel its the reason I am alive still today & free of the bondage of self and of addiction.

I had gone through an in-patient rehab, I was supposed to stay for 28 days. Nearing two weeks into the stay and after being off of detox assisting medication for almost a week things were getting physically difficult for me to bear. I had a roommate there that had drugs that would ease my suffering, oxycotin & suboxone to be specific. I had resisted for almost a week the temptation of him counting and eating them like candy in front of me. My faith was that in two more weeks I would not feel this way and that the rehab was there to help me through the next two weeks no matter how bad they were. Then all of a sudden my counselor calls me in her office, telling me that my funding for the 28 day stay was cut in half and I was going home in two days. I was horrified, physically sick, still spiritually broken, in a severe state of unmedicated detox, and not ready to do things on my own yet. I hadn't even gotten into working with my counselor one on one about things I needed to do to ease the obsessions or maintain sobriety on the outside. With panic and fear that I could not make it on my own, and the rehab unable to help me, I tried to help myself even if it was just for the moment. That roommate gladly parted with some of his pills because I was a threat knowing what he had and not using them also. The moment I took them the sickness went away in my body, I almost felt the cursed enjoyment for a few minutes during the peak of their shelf life, then they faded and the next day came when I needed more.

I had one day left at rehab and I said a prayer for God to help me do it on my own. The sickness still came back, worse then it was before and it felt like the devil himself was crawling around in my skin. The kid that was sharing his stash got kicked out overnight for inappropriately touching a girl in the laundry room. I was out of chemical options, the rehab wouldn't help me detox because I was going home tomorrow, and I had one choice at the time that I was obsessing about. I acted on the obsession and when I went downtown in the rehab van for the outside 12 step meeting I hid my credit card in my shoe and waited. I fled from the meeting, sweating with a fever, sick to my stomache, and shaking from the detox occuring again. I went to a mac machine, called a cab and paid 80 bucks to get to my dealer 20 miles away. He was still in business, laughing that I fled the rehab, and he sold me what I needed to be not sick. His laugh was echoing in my ears like the devil himself had a grip on my mind. I prayed to God that this kill me this time and proceeded to do triple the normal "high dose" that I would do in the past. It didn't kill me, in fact I didn't even get high only "unsick". Instead of letting me overdose and die my higher power acted through others, the right people talking to the right people somehow like a needle in a haystack my family showed up at the one house in the city I was in. My higher power didn't want me dead, and the next morning I woke up, so sick and wishing he did take me.

I called doctor after doctor, agency after agency for help with the detox. A hospital even turned me down because I was in a rehab so recently. After about 50 phone calls I hit my knees. The bottom was too low, the helplessness had me weak in ever aspect, so weak that I could not hold the spiritual door shut any longer. I said a prayer by myself so my family did not see me so desperate. I begged my higher power, crying, shaking, helpless. "Please, you've made man & you made me. There are men out there that can help me with modern medicine. They can take this suffering away. Please help me defeat this & I will do whats right. I don't want to die anymore, I want to live and be happy. I want to make these people I have hurt proud and be something. I don't want to be sick another day and I never let it near me to even tempt me ever again. You have got to help me find a doctor or just take this feeling away yourself." It did not take that feeling away, but somehow after drying my tears I felt strength to stand up. I went back to the directory that I had called every doctor for assistance and tried something. I typed the word Lord into the search and two doctors popped up. I called them both, getting voicemails I almost didn't leave a message but somehow the words just flew out of my mouth.. moments later I got a call back. You know what? You can say there is no power out there, I will never believe you though.. when the two doctors from Lords Valley both called back and were willing to see me that day.. how could I believe in anything but the Truth! The Light! & The Way! that I need to do the work I have been called on to do. People were orchestrated after that phone call, one after another, and the result was the beginning of my sobriety. I guess my spiritual commitment in that prayer that night was exactly what needed to be heard & to this day I live that commitment to help others the way that I was helped. The miracle lives on and one day my higher power may decide I am the one who needs to return that call to the helpless. Miracles do happen, they happen everyday somewhere & my commitment to spiritual living will help ensure that his power is worth spending on us all.

"Can you recall a time when you prayed to save yourself from tragedy with promise of change? How easy when the pressure was off for you to forget about that promise? Has the miracle entered your life? If not please don't quit five minutes before." Thanks everyone for letting me share that story with you. I hope that you all are as blessed as me one day & any who are still sick and suffering from any disease or condition in life become healed. Its worth living on, Until next time.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Sunday, January 17, 2010

If At First.. Try Again - Determination

Jan 17. Hey friends I wanted to get on here much sooner but its been one long weekend that took more out of me then I expected. So much has happened in two days that I don't know where to begin. I think the best thing to do is talk about whats on my mind from the whole two days.

Last weekend the market went very well. I made some decent money on saturday & enough to cover costs and profit a few bucks on sunday. I knew that new ideas and things to sell were necessary for the next weekend so I dedicated some time during this past week to make that happen. With outside issues taking shots at me I managed to get the job done & acquire the beaufiul array of jewelry that I put out this weekend to make money with. The investment compared to the potential income from it looks promising, but the one thing that could go wrong this weekend did. Even though the presentation & layout of the jewelry looks professional & its all new pieces at a fraction of the prices in stores, people just weren't buying. I used my people pleasing skills, offering to let customers try pieces on, but still no sales. Saturday had come & gone with no financial achievement. I sold a few odds & ends items to cover the cost of gas to get up there & have lunch.

If saturday wasn't my 6 month sobriety date I think the entire day would have been a let down. I focused on that detail and held on tight so that I wouldn't get down over a bad day at the market. At the meeting that night I spoke about living one day at a time, how adopting that principle has allowed me to make it six months without a drink or a drug. If I had to picture making it that far in the beginning, instead of just getting through one day, I may never have made it to six months. When urges & obsessions to use came up or something like a bad day of sales, it was a common practice of mine to try and remember that I need only get through today because tomorrow will be better. That was the attitude I went to bed with saturday, might I add after going out for coffee and food with friends, it was a very late bed time knowing I had to be up at dawn for the market again.

Sunday morning came & I fought the fog out of my eyes with a cup of coffee & a prayer. I made it through yesterday's failure at the market & had to go "Try Again" if I wanted it to work at all. If I didn't keep trying, it won't work out. Much like my sobriety, I am taking this very seriously. I know that not everything will work the first time & it needs a second or third attempt to see results, alot like the 12 step program I work. So off to the market to open up shop. The morning crowd passed through looking & touching many beautiful pieces of jewelry. No sales though. As the afternoon approached I could at best hope for a single sale to cover my costs for the day. My prices were even to the competetors in the market & my chains were of better design & quality. I couldn't figure out what I was missing. The stormy weather crept in and the last rush moved through, I sold two simple pairs of earrings that covered my cost of lunch & gas to get there. That was a day, the closing announcement went over the speakers & it was time to pack up.

My cousin had done quite well off of two sales in memorabilia. I had thoughts like, 'I'm selling the wrong products?', 'People just aren't interested in this stuff?', and 'Is the economy that bad that people can't afford luxuries at half the price of a department store?'. Then I put the blame all on myself for a while. I guess not having the six months to celebrate anymore was what allowed the negativity to creep in a little more. It took some real soul searching, a call to my father, and really putting myself in the shoe's of the consumer to decide my next thoughts as I left the market for the week. None of the lack of business was my fault. I DO have the right prices, a BEAUTIFUL presentation, and THINGS people want. What I needed to do was remember that this was one day, one weekend. Things can happen differently next time. I survived the day, now next time I need only try again. If I gave up in early sobriety because a craving didn't go away or came back the next day, I would be high right now instead of sober & in business. If I just give it my all again next time, leave the results up to my higher power, and don't use a drug or a drink things will show themselves for what they are. Its too early to give up on my opportunity & one bad run at things should not define the rest of my stay at something. I've never let a bad meeting or a bad conversation take me away from my spiritual growth or a program, I can't let this take me away from this opportunity. So I am ready to take on the week, gather my resources, and "TRY AGAIN" next time. God willing I will be as successful one day as I am in my sobriety to date. "Have we ever been determined to succeed? How did it feel when we didn't hit the mark we expected or needed to? Did we try again when failure seemed to be our only result? Are there things in your life that your willing to continue to lose at, so that you can one day win at them?" Just a few questions I asked myself & maybe we all can ask ourselves. Its never worth giving up 5 minutes before the miracle happens. If we only stay strong, stay dedicated, and try again we can achieve all great things within the ability of human bounds. My higher power, God, wants all of us to do our best, have faith in ourselves, & TRY AGAIN if we do not at first succeed. I ask daily for the strength to try all things that will help me help others. Thank you for blogging in. Until next time.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, January 14, 2010

"All That Glitters Isn't Gold -- Good Deeds"

Jan 14. Hey everyone and thanks for the ongoing interest. Today obviously was thursday, which in my world of sober functions is a very packed day.. always. It just so happens that my doctor likes to schedule visits on thursdays too, thank goodness it didn't have to be today because I had alot of alternative things to handle.

I started the morning out thinking about how productive I could make the time that wasn't dedicated to recovery today. I had two stops to squeeze in and a visit to make for business. My phone rang, a good friend who has respected my sobriety since day one called. He needed a ride to take some parts from his work he got to take home down to the scrap yard & offered me a cut in it if I could get him there. With yesterday's news of financial changes on my mind I had figured the few bucks could be useful if he was willing to hang out long enough for me to make my stops as well. We did just that, talking about olden days and the tragedies we called our lives. The funny thing is neither one of us could honestly admit we missed a single bit of it. That was so refreshing a concept to share, it glittered in my mind. He ended up sharing 20 bucks for the ride & buying me a coffee, not bad for going to the same side of town I had to visit anyway.

We ended up meeting my cousin at my jeweler friends to follow up with some business from the day before. We all enjoyed a leisurely chat while business was handled between them. The entire time my jeweler friend told the other two how highly he thought of me, he put me up on a social pedestal for nearly the whole half hour we were there. I mentioned briefly that I wanted to talk "our business" when he had time & he whispered when the other two were occupied 'come back after you drop your friend off, I have some taking care of you to do, my friend'. It seemed that once again something about today glittered brighter, my sobriety & drive in life was seemingly shining as bright as gold on black velvet.

I took my friend home & on the ride we talked some more. He told me how I was his closest friend. I never did anything special for him, a ride here or there, a set of ears to listen when he was down. I guess for some that is all it takes. Maybe unlike my other "old friends", who dissapeared after my sobriety, he actually respects the effort I have put into having a clean life with spiritual principles. That respect is worth its weight in gold. I've had girls refuse to date me because they feel guilt going to a bar & leaving me home on a saturday, friends refuse to associate because I won't ingest a substance, and other people avoid me for fear I would judge them. Truth is that there are a many great people out in the world that just don't understand that they don't need to be like me to be a part of my life. I am the alcoholic/addict that was trapped in the downward spiral. I never judge others for my actions in the past were probably far worse. I don't feel need to place blame for someone enjoying themselves who can safely drink, knows when to stop, not drive drunk, and can act respectful & return home safe at night. If they can do that they probably are not alcoholic, enjoy. I certainly couldn't. I isolated & kept away from others during addiction, I avoided people because of my own personal guilt. I never disowned a friend because they wouldn't do drugs with me.

Its easy to see that the dull & tarnished relationships were necessary to let go, they would never make a good outcome. Sobriety has helped me notice what 'glitters' and what doesn't. When I finally went back to that jeweler's tonight, I told him thanks for being such a great friend. I almost turned red for the fact that for so long I had not lived up to that good person he was talking about from the past. It had been years that he hadn't seen me until recently & of course I told him many stories about where my disease had taken me. He said quite frankly with a smile, "I don't really see how that could ever be you, are you sure we are talking about the same Jimmy?" With reassurance from me that we were indeed talking about me he finaled with a gesture of still disbelief and motioned to some bags of fine jewelery he had.

He had told me about remembering when I broke my back hauling bricks one at a time until a whole wall was down, loaded in a truck, and restacked at his home. Talking with him when his grandson was sick, keeping him company when he had no one else to talk to but he occasional customer. He reminded me of the good person I was before I became beyond sick with addiction. I do remember when I had a heart of gold and I had real friends. He reminded me of all the selfless things that a person could do, that I could do again for someone in need. After he spelled out all the good deeds I did before, that I couldn't do on my best day in addiction, he plopped the two bags of jewelry on the desk and said, "You know Jimmy, 'All That Glitters Isnt Gold'". I knew what he was talking about, I knew what I had to keep doing with my program & AA. A man in his position should be hesitant to help an addict of my caliber, but instead he was foregoing. In the bags was over $2200 in retail jewelery, brand new, tags still on many of the items. All solid silver w/ 24k gold inlays. He said, "Bring me back a hundred bucks & there will be more where that came from for you new business". Here's to good deeds. Here's implementing spiritual principles into all you affairs, to doing your best for others & taking care of yourself so others can enjoy your presence. My sobriety, frienships, relationship with my higher power, willingness to help others and kind deeds that was so generously given back by so many recently have proven to me that.. "ALL THAT GLITTERS ISNT GOLD"! "Are there times when we are not spiritually fit that we fall short as friends, partners, parents? Have we seen the rewards of selflessness, the give and take of real friendship, in our relationships with others? As many times we have been let down are there those that have come back to amaze us?" Thanks for letting me tell you about my amazing day. I really have some amazing people in my life today & I feel that its because I have chosen to learn what it takes to be a good friend, just as they have shown me ten fold in return. I truly want to pay it forward. The best way I know how is to continue to be sober, ask for help when I need it, and always do the next right thing. Until tomorrow, thanks for reading everyone.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Whats Given Is Truly Recieved - Circular Logic

Jan 13. Hey friends. I have returned once again to get some of the weight off my shoulders. I thank every one of you who read this blog for doing so, and for sharing in return. The common bond people share is amazing to me, when I touch another spiritually my own spirituality gains positivity. Its this circular logic that drives the program I so avidly follow today. One person helping another, to improve their own existance. It seems like a paradox, but by miracle it is not. It in fact works, I am living proof and without it I would have never found my way back to the light.

I woke up this morning glad I had found calmness before bed last night. My wednesday routine is to confirm the deposit of my money & start my day accordingly to handle the financial responsibilities in my new sober life. I had a special agenda today with some of my extra money. Last night's blog I mentioned about that jeweler friend who wanted to help me boost my product line at the weekend storefront. My plans were to take that extra money and invest in a deal that would be highly profitable if the right buyers saw my wares. One thing was wrong though in my whole daily plan, the money that is faithfully there on wednesday mornings was not. My account reflect the balance it had been at since my last visit to the bank. Baffled I started to think that things at the unemployment office were backed up or that there was some other sort of delay.

I began calling early to try and reach a live person to find out a solution. In between the constant busy signals and high volume messages my cousin called. He wanted to tag along for my usual wednesday agenda & have lunch or do something else socially enticing. I explained that my money had not yet arrived & I was getting to the bottom of it as soon as possible, sharing also my concern that something was wrong & that I was starting to panic a bit. He tried to reassure me that all would be fine, but I had a bad feeling.

After four hours of attempts & a half hour on hold, I finally reached a UEC representative. They explained the holdup of my money was because my benefit year was over, and that one week was all I was entitled to and that had to be processed manually by them. They assured me that money would be there friday morning and offered to check my eligability for a new claim. My toe's curled as thoughts of instant financial ruin filled my mind. This couldn't be happening, not now, not after just starting this new business to get ahead. The result was that I WAS eligable for another 32 weeks of unemployment, but then back to bad news. The amount that I will collect is nearly half of what I used to get. So now the business that I had hoped to get ahead of the game with, was turned into the only current option to maintain the financial stability I had since my sobriety began. So much for getting ahead I thought. What if the business fails, then what is going to happen? I was projecting every possible negative thing. I tried to comfort myself with last night's blog topic, and accept it as God's will for me right now. That however doesn't pay the bills and other necessary costs I have pinned to my pegboard.

I had considered the possibility if the market storefront does not do as well as needed the fact that I will have to find quick employment that will bring in more than the new lower unemployment & the market combined as an option to give both of them up. It worried me if I could even find a decent job in today's market, or if I did find one that demanded I give up my business & UE benefits would it last or be something I can handle & maintain my sobriety at the same time. Fear of getting laid off a month after starting like has happened to so many people I know also crept in. All of this rambling on about my concerns and fears is to paint a clear picture of how serious not just I, but so many, take financial blows. It can put us all in a stressful spot that if not handled with the right attitude or dealt with properly can deteriorate our spirituality in a matter of days or weeks.

I shared this with others, on the phone, at meetings, and to my family. From all the sources I got hope, strength, and the drive to accept and take this thing head on. Who is to say my business will not triple what I have lost over the course of the next month. Afterall I have only been in business one weekend and already turned profits. In addition this may lead me to a career that I never saw coming should I enter the job field. It might be something I am good at, or love beyond current imagination. Support & reassurance came out of nowhere as suddenly money that was no longer at my disposal was given to me by a certain someone to invest in my business. I won't mention who, but they know who they are and I think that their support means the most in so many ways. I could not imagine the rally behind me, all because of the metamorphasis that I went through in my life. Because of the drive and passion I have for my sobriety. Those who only had good advice to offer gave just that. Now tomorrow, money in hand I will be going to have that business meeting with the jeweler. And God willing, I will continue to run my business with success, run my life with his works in mind, and grow in sobriety through spiritual development. It seems that all I have given of myself to my family, the 12 step fellowship, & this blog has come back around when I need it once again. I will continue to give, even when I have little. When I have been to my last dollar countless times, I gave it to the collection plate of the organization that has helped me so much. When I couldn't get my own life figured out I have helped others. Sometimes I could not uphold this to a perfect pace, but when I caught myself being selfish instead of selfless I have always tried to adjust and get back on track. In recognition of this "CIRCULAR LOGIC" it is my intention to keep giving, no matter my coat to the cold, or my time to the sick & suffering... because God helps those who help themselves, yes. But he also looks out for those who help others. It is his works that I do best, not my own, and with that I ask.. "Have we measured up to what our higher power expects from us? Has the selfishness in our past motivated us to give more today? With empty pockets & hurtful hearts have we searched deeper for that little bit we were afraid to part with? Can we turn a negative into a positive just by simply accepting the situation & opening our mind to the possibilities ahead?" I want to thank you for GIVING me your gift of an audience. Without you to share with and give so freely to my attempts of sober living I may not be so optimistic. The day is ours when loss becomes gain. With that.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Its All On His Time, Not Mine -- Patience

Jan 12. It was a different kind of day, but before I explain I need to keep gratitude in my mind & thank all of you who stop to visit when you can. This treasure I call SOS is more than just a blog, it is indeed my signal for hope. To better explain what I mean by different, because no two days are the same, let me elaborate.

In the early afternoon I got a call back from one of the court appointed folk, it seems they unknowingly scheduled me to show up at Martin Luther King Jr. Day for an appointment. Being a federal holiday that so man of us hold dear I figured that it was made in error so we rescheduled. I called my cousin to come over & visit with me. This was a big difference in my normal day so to speak. I am usually out of my comfort zone and going to visit friends & family in their homes. It felt nice to know that I am good enough position spiritually that people are in fact interested in going out of their way to spend time with me. For far too long I was uncapable of going out of the way to see others, because of that during my addiction I suffered by having no one involved in my life. It wasn't exactly a healthy or desirable life to want to be involved in anyway.

After accomplishing many things during his visit, my cousin & his son left to go home. I got a shower & while I was in there got some text messages & missed phone calls. Of all the relationships in my life there are a few that arent so healthy and beyond my control. For the time being I ignored the texts from those people & focused on calling my cousin who was just over because he left a message. Turned out he needed one of my friend's expertise & so I met up again with him to meet this jeweler. While there I was fortunate enough to catch up on lost weeks with the friend, suprisingly we struck a deal to sit down and work out some product options for my weekend storefront. Jewelry was doing quite well there & I had no options to obtain more without profits. On the way back to drop him off we met my mother so we could fill up the cars & get my cigarettes at the gas station she frequents.

I got home for a quick dinner before the meeting & finally took a look at those texts. They were a sad reminder of one of those relationships in my life that were not going so well. To make it worse the person seemed more stubborn and toxic minded than ever. This was all beyond my control because I can only control how honest, open-minded, & willing I am, not anyone else. When thinking about the inner potential I know this person has, it hurts me to think that very little of it shows in my presence. They are slowly receeding from the better spot in life they were before, closer to something I don't want to be a part of. I have had to keep distance because of this. Our relationship is complicated to say the least, and when I try to let go completely or change direction from north to south they somehow have managed to say or do something to make me look back.

The distance also reminds me of another person who years ago was in very close relations with me. The keeping distance thing made it so that for years we had lost touch, that paired with my addiction. Well recently we have been talking, thinking back, and have some feelings about where I am at now & where I would like to see myself in the future. The strange thing is that they are leaving mysterious hints about being a part of that. Encouraging me to keep dreaming and doing what I am doing & that people I want in my life just might get there. The thing is that other than my family, the specifics of who would best fill the various relationships for me in my vision of a great future are really unkown. Its this struggle & seeing certain past/potential relationships to develop along the way & stay healthy that was driving me crazy. At the meeting tonight it was my intention to hear a solution, to what can I do to ease this awareness for the unknown & the anxiety it brings.

The meeting proceeded, I heard very little in remote closeness to my problem thinking. So being a desperate alcoholic that was taught by others to ask for help, I shared in general what I was going through. I asked for talk on the topic of powerlessness and how it affects us with other people that may be hurting us or not ready to be in our lives whatever role we desire them to play. Not a single person touched on the topic, no powerless situations or desire for instant change to be heard. It seemed out of the group that tonight I was the one who had the different thinking. I later found out that was for a reason. The answer I was seeking wasn't far away.

After the meeting a friend called while I was out for coffee. She was dealing with problems with a man in jail she once had a relationship with that produced a child. She was unsure what lay next in her path or who next would walk it with her. Anxiety at is fullest. I often feel my best traits and knowledge has the ability to appear for the sake of others rather than myself, an alcoholic flaw I work daily to accept. The words that eased her mind came out of my mouth next, and somehow it was the answer I was waiting for at that meeting. The one to ease my own mind. I said, "It's All On God's (His) Time, Not Ours (Mine), you just need to keep doing whats best for you and be Patient. All that is beyond your control will play out and present itself when it is ready to." BINGO! Finally, the reason for the solution not being at the meeting was apparent. It turns out that I would not lose that much sleep tonight afterall. I knew the answer the entire time, but only by doing what the program suggests & talking with or helping another alcoholic did it become apparent to me. God will give me what I need to make it, and hopefully answer the questions about these relationships in my life.. but on his time, not mine. Not just because I want a person to change now or something to happen before its time. I can rest knowing that. I can be patient and enjoy the relationships I have now in my life until others happen or don't. I need only be my best and turn it over. "Are there times when we drove ourselves over the edge because of things beyond our control? Were there things that we didn't understand that made us search harder for that understanding? Did you ever just leave it to your higher power, to find that feeling of calm return, or to see that the patience & reliance brought answers?" If you care to share about the topic or anything I have said please feel free to do so. The questions asked are for reinforcement but sharing answers are always welcome. Thanks to all too who just leave the inspirational comments that keep me going. Another day, another chance to grow. Til tomorrow.. Good Night. Good Morning. <3 Jimmy

Monday, January 11, 2010

Level 15, When Do You Beat This Game? - Transitions In Recovery

Jan 11. Today was a bit different than the past few. I want to thank my higher power for giving me this blog to write in & good friends in as well as outside this blog's view. This morning I was beyond groggy. The weekend was long, working around 8+ hours each day for the new market business & still balancing meetings as well as social time after. I managed to make it through though and took advantage of the opportunity to rest a little bit. When I finally motivated I handled a few things online, cleaned myself up, and waited for my mom to get home so we could eat dinner.

I was excited at this point because the time was nearing to leave for a meeting. For me, this was no ordinary meeting tonight. We were starting a long awaited idea I had proposed to a retired professional in the drug/alcohol field. We had been announcing our new group at other meetings to prepare for its start over the course of the holidays but now it was finally here.. Monday Jan 11th 7PM. The group is named MARS, and like landing on a new planet, I get the opportunity to be there from the day it all began. Its called Mars for the long name, Medically Assisted Recovery Support Group.

The group was something that so many addicts and alcoholics needed that are sober with the help of a doctor or undergoing surgery etc. Straight alcoholics that got sober through a specific fellowship I attend have a bad attitude towards assisted recovery. Alot of that has to do with the fact they that have no idea about what other substances do to a person's cellular composition. In certain people that strayed further into things other than alcohol, the body changes and never repairs. Alcoholics who have drank themselves into liver damage can certainly relate to this because they end up on medication indefinitely without a transplant available. But those who didn't reach that point don't understand the drug user who did more than just take a couple here and there. As I once described before, I was the all day/night, need it to work/relax, celebrate/mourn, sick without it/not enough to enjoy, mentally-physically-habitually addicted person for far too long to get things started without help.

Some people take psychotropic medications to help with anxiety, skitz, and many other compulsive disorders. The examples listed are just to help us realize that in some cases, you can put down the cocaine, the bottle, or the dope, but we did so much damage that some of us can never be normal again without years of healing and assistance from medications. I support this when the medicine is administered by a doctor, and the person allows themselves to be honest and open to prove at any time that they are sticking to it as prescribed without using anything else. Various ways are used to prove just that, wether by drug testing for other substances or checking clinical levels of what a person is currently using to help them in their system.

I support this because there is a fact that only 15 percent of opiate addicts can stay sober without any help from a doctor, and this is only because those in that percentage did not use excessive amounts or for long peroids of time. People with depression, anxiety, and compulsive disorders often commit suicide or turn back to using other substances (self medicating) to be able to avoid those horrid attempts or thoughts. It makes me sick that certain self righteous people in recovery can sit and tell someone that they are NOT SOBER because they take medication for an incurable medical condition that they developed through past abuse of substances in their life. That is like literally saying, "You have heart disease, but you are not allowed to take any medication for it because your an alcoholic, if you take the medicine you just relapsed and threw away your recovery." Another example of how stupid it sounds to support their ridiculous statements, "I don't care if your going thru radiation treatment, have a broken leg, or got your arm chopped off by a car accident, if you take those pain killers the doctor has given you then your using drugs and thats a relapse."

It is my hopes that by bringing this to the light, that the world will one day support sobriety through the honest evaluation that if an addict is not getting high and is finally living a capable and normal life that even if by the miracles of modern medicine, that God be praised for such great changes in that person's life. To see someone working a 12 step program and developing the tools of survival in life without picking up a drug, chugging a bottle, or abusing another susbstance is a great thing. The 12 step spiritual program really DOES FIX a person's life that drug's and alcohol destroy. It puts investment back into those, like me, that were once spiritually bankrupt. It clears the mind and fills it with constructive tools for continuous sobriety and socially significant thoughts for the better of the lives of others. No person can be cured by a pill alone, but the miracle of medicine & the work of a higher power & spiritually through the program I have in my life today are all I need to say no to the demons that ruled my life in the past. My success is gauranteed so long as I strive to be that better person and follow the direction of those who succeeded before me with the help of the 12 steps and a higher power.

This isn't some video game that I can beat the final level on. There is no big fireworks ceremony at the end for graduation. It is something that changes as time goes on, but always remains a part of my life. Regaurdless of my success the disease lives on within me, and to keep it away I must grow bigger & change as it demands. As I share and teach others I must still remain the student, there is always one more day to learn how to survive until I run out of those days. I have entered a new transition in my Sobriety. I am running for an officer position in the new MARS group and taking on commitments for service work. I have vowed to be there to help others & myself each week as we meet. I am moving from the helpless addict that needed all he could get to make it, to offering others help and providing them with the tools I currently use. I am adapting to the truth, that by all means necessary I not pick up a drug or a drink, one day at a time, and to remain grateful for God in my life today. Years ago I had thought, 'who might want some of this good stuff i just put in my body, who has money to spend on it so I can get some for myself' and today I think 'who might want some of this good stuff in my LIFE, and who has TIME to put into this for themselves'. And its so reminding, rewarding, and reinforcing, that I get to help myself with each thought & effort. " Is there a time when we noticed a transition in our lives? Did we go from the student to the teacher? Was there times when the student taught us more about ourselves then we knew before? How did it feel to take pride in helping others, or how did it feel when others helped us? Feel free to answer any of these questions in the comments box, or just share an idea/feeling/thought with me, or maybe you just want to share your opninion on the topic or ask for help. Thanks for blogging in, you are my greatest achievement just for giving up time to hear my 'shares'. ... <3 Jimmy