Dealing W/ Pain & Hurt - A Solution

July 31. Hello friends, its midnight Saturday morning & I just endured a not so wonderful friday. It actually ended much better than I had hoped & because of this I am optimistic that the tools I am using in recovery are indeed working more than ever in my life, spirituality is taking prescidence over my alcoholism in a rare occurance. I started this morning on a good note, chatting w/ a friend & setting up a later in the day rendezvous. I laid down for a while, then got a message from the same friend telling me to disregaurd anything I hear from anyone else about them that someone was being an "ass" as they put it. It turned out there was reason for them to not want me to hear what was said, because it happened to all be true, that they in fact were walking all over me like a "Door Mat" inside the front door of my house. All of the things I were told fit exactly into place, the violations of trust, the lies, the cover ups, and all of the areas I had been taken complete advantage of. This blow comes from someone who has hurt me before, but I had given a fair shake to because my alcoholism did exactly qualify me to say I had done better in my past. I was completely crushed that I had trusted this friend with so much of myself, had sacrificed many times & dollars to help them, and invested myself to them as far to say they were "a privledged friend" & could indeed hurt me if they chose to do so with my trust in them.

I made it clear to this person that our friendship was over, that I would not allow myself to ever be vulnerable to them again. I even said some not so nice things, all which applied to this person due to their actions, that I would not normally say to a person if I was not upset. At this point I realized that not only has this person hurt me, my ego, my trust & my security, but they also were getting the best of me. I was stepping outside the spiritual boundries of the person I am & wish to stay today, and backwards towards my quick acting & selfish alcoholism. Although I said nothing untrue, the words I chose to define my feelings about them & their actions could have been softer, easier, less venemous. I let myself be the snake for a few seconds that I work every day in sobriety not to be. Shortly after the unfolding of this "approach" by telephone to this now ex-friend, it was time to go to dinner with my parents for our usual friday ritual. I carried some of my bitterness with me, unfortunately two of the people who love me the most had to see something eating at their son. My willingness to talk about it took some of that away, by the end of dinner I had gained the mind enough that I should go early to the meeting tonight & help setup. Helping others was a way that I was taught to get outside my own problems, outside my own head, and inside a solution that felt better without using a drug or drinking. My old alcoholic mind would have taken me out to a dealer or a bar to try & cope with this huge social failure in my life I was stressing over.

Maybe I am underplaying it a little bit, this person really had me in a spot to hurt me, they have been an active part of my life on & off for almost 10 years. Five of those years we were almost inseperable. They were not alcoholic, just sick enough to stay along for my ride evidently as I went through phases in my life. So as damaged as I was, talking about it to my parents gave some of that power over me away. It has less grip on me & I got to the meeting early. I set up the meeting & started to make the coffee & the chairman arrived. We got talking about other things & about his life, before I knew it I was distracted from my own woes & rejoicing in his good news. More people showed up & one of my closest friends in my sobriety right now showed up, needing some help with a situation that I could actually be of use to her. I talked with their sponsor & them, we came to a solution that gave me the ability to offer some serious help to them. That opportunity to help someone in GREAT NEED, lifted me out of my own depths and I was once again feeling the spirit around me. I cannot explain the magic of it or how it works, it just does, I have experienced it before & again tonight. Any who doubt, I say this, Try It & See For Yourself. You can in fact turn yourself around, or perhaps it is my higher power that does it, in any case, it can happen by helping someone else in need. My selfish worries & my failing friendship became so minute that I was overwhelmed with happiness found in the service of others.

This is not a joke, I do not support illusions or false solutions, nor do I support a temporary band-aid that helps for the moment like drugs or alcohol did in my past.. This is the real thing & it works. I went through the meeting in a good spiritual place, surrounded by friends, some I helped, some helped me. The circle goes around, selflessly we attend to eachother's needs spritiually. That is the way of the 12 Step fellowships & the way of each of our higher powers. Its what has worked for alcoholics & addicts for 75 years successfully to date, since the creation of the 12 Steps. There is no better solution than the ones found in a 12 Step recovery program. Anyone can adopt the spiritual principles found there into their life with or without an addiciton & benefit. I have.. GREATLY. Tonight is yet another proof in my days of sobriety that this works, if I work it & others work it together with me. Two people showed up at a meeting in despair, and through helping eachother a group & individuals together made things better if not fixed completely for some. I know that although my hurt & pain from the incident today may exist some tomorrow it will be less, and each day I use the tools I have it will grow lesser. This has given me the ability, be I a "Door Mat" or not, to brush the dirt off myself. Not only that, but I am learning how to prevent being walked on again by this person & to let go of the pain they have caused. It would be hard to walk all over a door mat if the door in front of it is locked & closed, that being said I must not keep it closed to the next person that walks up but allow them access to my life. I have been told I will learn how to do this by friends & my sponsor, I look forward to it. I also look forward to the next time someone walks through the front door of my life & takes their shoes off, considerate & loyal to the concept of being my friend. Here's to the lessons & life walking with the Spirit. Thank You for Listening to me tonight. Your ears, eyes & mouth are a part of my recovery. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

A Responsibility To Help & Fulfill

July 30. Hey friends, Happy Friday to all of you. It's morning here in my neck of the woods & it was a long night for me. I thought I would write about something not so personal but that still applies to my sobriety & spirituality in general. First I do want to share how my Thursday went. I went to see one of the law enforcement agencies I have been going to for years now, a consequence of my past & addiction, I've been serving time. One day at a time it has passed & on my visit thursday morning my officer told me I would not have to come in any longer. I was going to be discharged on my official date that was set & he urged me to "shine on as one of their FEW success stories". That made me feel a little proud, to be called a success by someone who's job is to catch the flawed addict/alcoholic & criminal mind. It's a testament as to how far I have really come & a good reminder of why I never wish to go back to that life of chaos & entrapment. From there I visited a friend whom I am very close with, I got upset due to selfish reasons & issues in the past I was nervous about being repeated. Instead of causing a scene or showing my feelings I left, hoping it would pass as I went on with my day. Some of it passed, but some stayed fresh. In the end I had to have a talk with them via text message to explain why I left & what offended me so much. All I should share is this, they had not been concerned with respect for my needs as their close friend who is in recovery, not according to how close they say I am to them.

I spend the rest of the day doing little of significance, getting ready for my evening meeting like every thursday. When I got there we had a good meeting with an even better topic, but afterwards I was suprised. There was an argument during our business meeting about the group failing to provide a meeting last week, when others showed up & knew nothing of its cancellation or if it was relocated somewhere else that night. I was one of the people who knew nothing & had to go back home uninformed & with no meeting. The argument ended in someone storming out, angry & upset. I took a position on the subject before the argument broke out, which is my topic for tonight. As an alcoholic/addict in recovery, I accept the responsibility to help others in need. Not only that, but as a man who wishes to live along spiritual lines I must help others or I am not doing the works of the spirit. Helping others is a huge part of recovering from a spiritual disease & is the only way to stay well, anything short of that will lead to a sure slipping backward in my sobriety. I know this because I have experienced small bouts of it during selfish periods & because those who failed at this before me have shown me & explained what they did wrong, so that I don't have to make the same mistakes. Today I trust & believe that I must do this or I will not remain well. Because of that I simply do. But some don't feel that way...

I question the motivation of anyone that would interfere with one person helping another. To block or sabatoge this in any way, when there are sick & suffering people with spiritual diseases such as alcoholism or addiction, an act to prevent this is not one of the spirit. A group of people who assemble to help others should do just that, there should never be a publicly published listing that a group will be available to help & there not be there someone the place & time that there was supposed to be. I personally hold myself accountable to being somewhere when someone asks me for help & so do the 12 Step groups. There was an issue of many showing up to a meeting & no one being there, its happened to me many times & its not a good thing. Because of this, I will never join a group that does not hold themselves responsible, that at all costs there be a door open & a person at the location to offer help to another or at least direct them to where help can be found. I can do my part by not supporting groups that are irresponsible and promoting groups that are. Although I don't publicly support any groups at all on this blog, I do recommend privately to those who ask me for a place to go or join for good sobriety & spirituality. The thought of a newcomer expriencing what I did the few times I went to a meeting & there was nobody there is horrible. A person's first time, they get the bravery to get themselves help & seek out a group to help them & no one is there. It would be no suprise if they went out after finding no one, alone & lost, drunk crashing a car to die or overdosed in an alleyway. This is no game, I am responsible, not for all but for my part.

I was so rattled by the lack of presence where it was published that help would be available for persons seeking it, that I decided to write about it in this blog today. I ask any and all of you who will ever help another person in this lifetime, if you say you will be somewhere to help then be there. You could make the difference of someone finding a way out of one of the many horrors that exist out there, someone could be counting their last chance on you if you say you will help. Letting people down is a horrible character defect to bear, it stinks of low morals like those I had back in my active addiciton. No matter the cause, Help Others when you can. If you belong to a group that helps people, make sure they are committed to doing just that. If they drop the ball, the moral responsiblity shifts from them failing to support others as promised, to us supporting a group that lets people down that are in need. We cannot control everyone else who goes around leaving people hanging, helpless & searching for help, in need & asking any that will lend a hand.. but we can make sure we do not support anyone who does not follow through with their commitments to others. We can remove ourselves from these groups or we can take a stand & personally make sure it never happens again by getting involved with the responsible members if there are any. All I know is that I am grateful the first night I RAN to a meeting in fear I might die if I used drugs or drank one more time, that someone was there to open the door. I am grateful too that when a young man showed up to his first meeting & locations were switched, that I had the honors of waiting in the parking lot, telling him the meeting would be down the road instead.. To hold that responsibility is a privledge & a blessing, not something that is to be blown off or dismissed nor should it ever make it to argument. I am responsible when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help. I want the hand of these fellowships to always be there & for that, I AM RESPONSIBLE. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Help From Others - How Necessary Is It?

July 27. Hello everybody, my big Fat Tuesday is almost over just under an hour to go. I hope all of you experienced a good day full of spirit & happiness. For those of you who didn't, there is an opportunity to try again tomorrow so long as our higher power lets us. I spent a good portion of the day recooperating from a long day yesterday. We had my Sober BBQ to celebrate spiritual & sober principles changing the lives of many. Some felt it was a celebration to commemerate my 1 Year sober, but I had dedicated the event entirely to the miracles of my higher power helping so many get & stay sober. There was a huge crowd, more than I had imagined & I got to see so many close friends & members of my support group & family. The event was an entire success that everyone said they absolutely loved & had a blast. For that I am grateful that my higher power blessed us with such a beautiful day & such beautiful people, I couldn't have done it without the help of that higher power. I spent so much time trying to be a good host & enjoying everyone's smiles & laughter that I didn't take much time to sit except for a few moments to each or have a cigarette in the shade. Because of that I am extremely sore today, but it was all so worth it. I would do it all over again tomorrow & take being twice as sore as the consequence just to see those smiles all over again. When the party ended we all headed to my home group meeting for 8pm, where my sponsor (celebrating 11 years) & myself and a friend celebrating our first year sober each got our coins.

The speaker was a good friend & man of integrity that I admire in the program of recovery. He is a step worker, a service to others, and a hell of a person with a good spirit to match. The meeting was a huge success as well & ended with cake & fellowship afterwards that was better than any I have seen. I was known in the past for knowing how to throw a good party, the illegal kind, but this was all a great party of the spiritual kind. Inspired by my higher power, I guess despite how much some things can change, some things will never change & I will always have a good mind for creating fun for others like parties & planning events. Maybe that skill will translate into a useful tool down the line in helping others, because we don't get sober to be bored or miserable, we do it to have fun & enjoy life. I slept alot come tuesday because I was very sore & tired from an almost 20+ hour day. Feeling alot better in the evening I decided to go to my usual Tuesday night meeting, the nice part was that this was the week we began the outside meetings under the pavilion. There is something spiritual about being outside in the open air, among the elements, birds & crickets chirping. Its a liberating & freeing feeling being there, the open air lead to very open conversation & a real topic of interest & help to me and many others.

I came back home afterwards, getting dinner on my way, because I have to rest for a long day of broadening my business opportunities tomorrow. I will be going to open a shop up at a new marketplace nearly an hour drive away & its open 12 hours, thankfully for the pilot run at doing this my mom is coming along to be of assistance to me. I couldn't do it without her for sure, like in sobriety, she & many others have been there for me to take the next step necessary to succeed in life. I think that makes a good segway into an important topic. "How necessary are others when we get sober or want to be spiritual?? They are extremely important, in fact it has been history that anyone who tries to do it on their own has mainly failed & eventually turned to another for help in doing this. In a world of self made business men/women & successful people at many things, it is not so much the same way in getting sober or learning spiritual living. We ultimately need someone to show us how to do it, having been programmed by some obscure disease called alcocholism. Most of us don't know where to begin & even if we can figure somethings out, we have no idea that a few failures will later turn into success if we keep doing whats required of us. It takes the ones who have successfully made it to a spiritual life to show us that the things we are trying that don't seem to work right away actually will in time.

It's a world where people often need "proof". Scientific, medical, physical, or in some kind of writing based on a professional's view on something. Needing proof just like everyone else, this is where we look to others to find it before we can experience it for ourselves. This makes it Absolutely Necessary For Others When We Get Sober Or Want To Be Spiritual . This is primarily because when we finally are burned out or in enough pain to try & stop, we feel we have tried everything & that we just cannot achieve it. From my own experience before starting my 12 Step recovery program & meeting its successful members, I had accepted the fact that I was created different with a disease that caused me to destroy my life over & over in serach of something to make me feel complete, all sought in a chemical fashion. I had tried so many ways to break the chemical obsession, the habbit & dependancy if you will, and nothing worked. Attempts at abstenance were thwarted in hours if not a few short days. I could not endure living with myself without them, it was too much pain to do so without something to escape it or numb it. I had accepted that I will either live the rest of my life that way & I will die from it at some point, either that or a miracle needed to happen. Because of other's helping me & a shot in the dark prayer to my higher power, that miracle did happen. I got the break I needed, an opportunity to work on my life building, a blueprint shown to me by others on how to do so, and a one day at a time/ one step at a time approach that was simple enough to follow so long as I was willing to be honest & try my hardest.

The success of my getting sober is directly because of the involvement of others, I am no self made man today, I never will be. That is because today I am a man of Sobriety & Spirituality. If I had chosen to stay in my old ways I could have been a self made junkie of no worldly worth or spiritual value to anyone or anything, including myself. The gratitude for me is endless in realizing that I had no clue on how to live spirtiually & without drinking or drugs. It's because of a few great people who have sober & spiritual lives that I have made it today, all put in my life by my higher power's will. There must be something great in store for me one day, perhaps to help others as I have been helped, or maybe something equally important. All I know that is if I continue to recognize the significance of others being in my life & continue to lean on them for strength, hope, and experience so I can build my life further from that, then I will end up being a winner in life just like them. A winner is not someone who has all the money, or gets all the girls in town, not someone who is the best at everything.. a winner is someone who does there best always, is willing to improve upon anything they can, is not afraid to take advice & follow the lead of others who have achieved greatness before him, and someone who has belief & trust in their higher power.. that all that happens is for a reason & all things are created to serve a purpose, even those that are percieved as bad contain some value to somebody. I pray that all who seek the spiritual path, and I hope that everyone does one day, that they will find that it is attainable & walkable through the help of others, with others. The highway to spiritual growth & recovery is a wide one, let us walk the broad highway together standing side by side, looking around for who can show us the next right step in our common direction.. spritiual & sober lives til death. Thanks for blogging in. Good Morning.. Good Night... <3 Jimmy

Why Not Me? - Selfish Wishes & Wants

July 25. Hello everyone. A great day to be alive & remember that I am only human. After a long day with some high & low moments in my mind & emotions I realize this more than ever. I thank my Higher Power that I am not perfect, nor do I have to be, because if I had to uphold that on a day like today I would have failed. The most important thing is that I survived the day sober so that my next opportunity I have to grow spiritually I am not behind several steps like I was in the past. I started the morning out picking up a friend that wanted to help me work at my shop since I helped them out with some things they needed. It was nice not to be alone for the day & to not have to worry about anyone stealing anything during my cigarette breaks. My friend left a little early & I ended up closing up as I usually do, starting a half hour before closing & finishing as the lights get cut out. I guess that the day was probably long for them being their first time out to help me, or maybe they had personal matters or engagements to attend to. For some reason I almost took it personal when they left, but the thought occured to me that I was being selfish by having any expectations at all. I think that selfishness has plagued on me alot recently in certain areas of my life. I went on with my day & on my way home to just clear my head & distract myself I stopped to see a friend who was swimming at a nearby pond a few miles from my house. After a little bit of sun & too much of the heat after a long day I came home to cool off & relax.

My alarm went off & it was time to start getting ready for the evening. My friend who was supposed to go "with" me to the meeting had decided that they did want to go to the meeting too, but with someone else. I try to be a very humble person, all my higher power has given me is really quite the gift. This is where those human reminders kick in because I selfishly began to think.. "I wonder when someone will want to be around me like that, so that I am the one not getting the call or notice that they are "with" so & so, or going with "so & so", and when I really get to being in my selfish, I wonder oughtright when it will be my turn for someone to desire me instead of being the one told that plans changed. This human flaw is one some would call jealousy, maybe so, I rather call it selfishness. It is truly nothing of anything that I want to be. Maybe it's the way I am programed, or the way many of us just are, but I am willing to work on this area of myself & my thinking. I can only be a better friend, brother, son, or whatever role I play in any given relationship if I work on this selfish craving. Besides actually finding someone that is mutually interested in me at the level I would like to experience, the only way I know how to combat this inner selfishness to be "desired" by another is to give more of myself to others. People who don't know why this solution works may never be the spiritual type who see the benefit of helping others, but it is a cure to the soul that works better than anything I know or have experienced.

I realize that many times in my life I had been the "object" of someone's affection or desires, I even more acknowledge the fact that during those times I was a very spiritually sick person in the prime of my disease. Back then I had ruined everything, every chance someone paid me mind or entered my life, I somehow managed to squeeze the life out of it through constant using of drugs, drinking, & taking that person for all I could get out of them. There is still a selfish part of me that I have come to realize is not alcoholic, but simply human. That is to always want some sort of selfish things from various relationships & from the world itself. The primary difference between the past, in my addiction, and now in sobriety is this though. I know today that I am not only willing, but capable of giving so much of myself in return for the things I really want in life. They are the type of things that a person prays about when alone, all of those things that lift a smiler wider & put a pep in their step. They are as giving as they are recieving & work like a magical magnet, pulling as another pushes. I can only benefit to realize that everything happens on the universe's time & my higher power's time, not my own. These things I wish for, as little or big as they may be, will come in good time if they are to come at all. I cannot create them, they will just happen because I am myself & the people I care about are themselves. No amount of effort other than bettering myself & doing spiritual work for the world around me can influence it into being the selfish way I want it. The only way my selfish "wants & wishes" are met if someone else own selfish needs are the same. I want to thank all of the examples of this I have seen in the past few days for helping me to understand, all the great people that have helped share their thoughts & talk with me about their own experiences, and my higher power for helping me realize that no matter what the outcome, "It's worth being a good person" and that "It's not selfish to want what everyone else does". Not too selfish anyway. All in good time, One Day At A Time. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

All The Small Things - Small Times Are Big Time

July 22. Hey everyone. Thursday was different for a change, not good or bad, just different & thats okay sometimes. I had a migraine last night that lasted almost past sunrise, I finally had enough & began to sleep over the pinching pain around 6AM. I tossed for the first two house finaly getting back up after a nightmare I had. Once I got my bearings & smoked a cigarette I laid back down again, this time I slept for a straight 7 hours or so. I must have needed the sleep because I was oblivious to the world around me. My mom tried to wake me up for a phone call & I don't remember what I said to her, but something along the lines of "I can't do anything, I don't feel good". Finally I got up & started moving, the day mostly over but I had a meeting at night in a few hours & needed dinner. Mom made a great dinner which was done by the time it needed for me to be on time at the meeting, only one problem. As I got there the meeting was evidently cancelled due to a gathering or picnic function at the church it normally meets at. Just having been there the week prior I hadn't heard anything about it, but things come up without notice & so did this I guess. I saw one other person there that had assume it was "business as usual" & she told me there was a sign on the door saying no meeting. With that I headed back home & instead of letting it frustrate me like some past times have I decided to enjoy myself w/ family.

An important part of my spiritual program is remember to spend time with those who are most important to me. I didn't get sober afterall to forget the small things in life, like watching a movie with mom & dad. Every small thing that matter, all of which were comprimised during addiction to selfishness of an incontrollable disease of spiritual bankruptcy & endless craving. Today I look forward to small moments, they are some of the biggest moments I will share with people I care about. Small things that are worthwhile often come from the biggest people in our lives, parents, friends, sisters & brothers, a wonderful person we are in love with.. all of those relationships get better in time so long as we stay sober & spiritual & they too do not fail the relationship spiritually. It is a two way road when building those special bonds in life, but I see it as my personal responsibility to do my part & participate in those small moments & times that accumulate to a rather big love in my life. My parents have loved me through all, even when I could not love myself, as my sisters & other close friends have as well. It is to these people I owe as much of myself as I can offer, that is in good qualities not the bad. My spiritual responsibilities also require that I keep these loved ones away from my worst qualities, we all have them & only our higher power can remove them with hard work, time, & prayer/meditation.

Some say that we must take the good with the bad, this may be true, but we do not have to give our bad with our good. We can make a conscience & spiritual effort to work on ourselves & shelter those whom we love most from our worst character defects. To be human makes this impossible in it's entirety, but possible in part, the part we chose to work on. It's giving it all we got that makes the small time with loved ones part of the big picture, even though we are not used to sitting & watching a movie because our past did not make room for so, we must be willing to explore new things & find those moments we enjoy with others. Once we find those special moments they are worth repeating. Why mess with success? As I cannot argue that the 12 Steps & spirituality has changed my life from tragedy to triumph, we should not argue a good time with loved ones as not worth another try down the road. So when it comes to the big picture, lets look at all those small things that made it possible. And let's include them in our lives over & over, as much as we possibly can. We have nothing to gain but a smile on our face & an easy feeling of good kharma by knowing we selflessly gave our time to those who love us, maybe, just maybe more than we love them. Not questioning the love of any for me or another with that statement, just saying that in spiritual growth that I have found love to be an enormous motivation in my life. Enjoy your big life everyone, but make time for the small things. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

To Be Or Not To Be - When In Question

July 22. Happy Thursday to all of my friends. My wednesday was not too bad, I didn't feel good physically during the day & got some bad news towards the evening regaurding a financial source I am involved in. I can only attribute me not freaking out about the whole loss of these dollars in my budget because of what spiritual lessons have worked before in my life. I have broken down & acted out before because of financial burdens or impacts & it had gotten me no where. I must be learning that my higher power occasionally humbles me & reminds me of who is actually in control of the situation down here on the landing field.. aka my life. This time I was indeed upset & slighly angry even, but I did not let it get the best of me like in past incidents. A few of these unexpected changes happened in sobriety even but I was not yet ready to handle them in a spiritual manner that practices acceptance & turning it over. I stuck around to eat dinner, normally I would walk out angry & punish myself with no dinner so I could be early to a meeting & vent. This time that did not happen thankfully, I even expressed my distaste for the situaiton to my mother, releasing some of it before I walked out the door. It's not an easy thing to decide who or what your going to be when a situation flags you down in life. I could have been the irate maniac, the calm & understanding type, or the worry wort.. minus or plus a countless other amount of stances I could have taken on the matter. Thankfully my higher power has allowed me to be in a spiritual place most of the week & I was ready for a let down.

Speaking of let downs, in the past I have let down many friends & loved ones who counted on me. When they as simple as needed someone to talk to, I could not take the time. Back then it was not a choice of if I wanted to be reachable or there for them, I had no choice while in addiction of what "To Be Or Not To Be". That was not a question. Subliminally my mind was already predecided on all issues regaurding my availability for others, unless it benefited me or I had enough chemicals to endure the visit it could not be considered. I had a starving addiction to feed & I could not stop it or myself, that is until the miracle happened in my life & my higher power blessed me with a genuine desire to stop, stay stopped, and learn how to move away form that sick & suffering lifestyle & toward the light of the spirit. A good case of now having conscious power over my decision of what "to be or not to be" is a situation that happened tonight. A good friend since childhood, one who I selfishly ignored many times when the insanity of my addiciton was ruling my life, he needed a friend. Someone to talk to & visit, another person who cared about him to hear what he was going through & the decisions he had made in his life. I won't go into specifics but this was a major change. I had already made plans to go out with another friend, in the past because he was brining nothing to the table that I or my addiction could benefit from I would have told him I was unable to meet with him. This time, spirituality took over in my decision making process & I believe I did the right thing.

I told him to come along & meet us where we were going for coffee. Indeed after hearing what he went through, the choices he had made, he needed a genuine friend. When I was getting sober, he emerged among the few other close friends as one who truly cared about me. When I was sick & detoxing, wanting my life to either get better or end, he was there to spend time with me. While I was in rehab, failing my first attempt to get better, he was keeping ties to my family & concerned. This is a friend, a friend given to me by my higher power. We didn't chose eachother, the choice was made for us at childhood and continues to be made by an outside force today. So the question of what "To Be Or Not To Be" tonight was clearly answered. The spirit said be a friend, support his decision if it has a good base & tell him what you feel. That's exactly what I did, his choices were the same I would have suggested had he came to me before he acted. I reassured him that he will have me in his life regaurdless of what happens next for him, regaurdless if I approve of the next girl he may decide to be interested in. See sometimes we just need To Be something for somebody. Other times we need Not To Be something in somebody's life. It's all up to our spiritual conditioning to decide what's right, what the next right thing is. Without sobriety in my life, I would still be spiritually bankrupt & I would not be the friend I try to be. I was invited out to visit with my good friend again tomorrow, regaurdless if I can be there or if I chose "To Be Or Not To Be".. I will be his friend, that is for sure. A friend is something I chose "To Be" for any who would have me. A supporter of things not of the spirit is something "Not To Be" for me. So When In Question, you don't always need the answer if you have spirituality in your life, you will just know "To Be Or Not To Be" whats asked of you. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Forgiveness - It's Forged My Freedom

July 21. Hey friends, supporters, readers & fellow bloggers. Well it is past midnight, I am officially beginning my march towards another day sober. One year has come & gone in sobriety & the difference in my existance & direction is staggering both spiritually & in countless other areas of my life. I have so many to thank, my higher power, the 12 Steps, all of my genuine friends & my family, a great sponsor & a support group of people who have stepped up to the plate & shown me what works to live a healthy & spiritual life. I am far from the goal, but I am farther from the start & the farther I go the closer I become. I feel I have finally arrived in my place in life, walking to a beat that is mine & my own, it is constant & steady through times of hardship & pain which are the pathway to peace. I have you all & many more to thank eternally for the gift of support in my sobering journey. My parents have been some of my strongest supporters, they have grown with me & we have begun to recover as a family through love, understanding & the steps working in my life. The most important part of the Steps in my life thusfar is the embracing of a real & personal higher power in my life, whom I often don't speak it's name in this blog but for thanks I will this one time. Thank You God! :) Please do not take offense or believe that I say that to lead you to believe in the higher power of my understanding, it is my own & what works for me, you WILL find your own if you wish to.

With so much to be grateful for, I did little of showing it today, I took a page out of my creator's book & decided to rest for a day after all I have done. It felt good to relax on a day of significance in my life, I spend the evening doing what has helped get & keep me on the sober & spiritual path, I went to a meeting. I got asked to chair the early recovery meeting again & what a better way to celebrate the gift I have recieved than to give it back in service work to others, so I gladly accepted. The meeting was centered around forgiveness, of self mostly but also of others. My message to the group was what I have come to understand & what has helped me to go on despite the monstrosity that was my life before getting sober. I had shared that my higher power was a forgiving one, that I know it understands that I was sick in active addiction & did awful things out of a warped & diseased necessity. It is the lack of doing those things today that shows I am indeed deserving of its forgiveness, I have adopted change into my life & am genuinely sorry for the wrongs I have yet to even right in some cases. My higher power has forgiven me long before I asked it to, when I changed my ways I was forgiven, when I asked it was a formality, and when I forgave myself it was a sealed deal. I believe that in all my heart & soul, my spirit is free because of it. Despite my needs as I go through the Steps to make ammends to those I have harmed, I am still forgiven by my higher power & myself. That means even if those who I offer ammends to later do not forgive me, I am still forgiven by who matters most, that is my higher power & myself. Afterall I must live with myself & my higher power today, and I also believe when I die, those who cannot forgive may not make it to where I will be one day, in life spiritually & after life as promised in my beliefs.

This isn't a matter of beliefs though, its a matter of what is right. It is right to forgive those who have changed, who have offered ammends, and who admit their wrongs. It is spiritual to then also admit any part we have had when they do offer us those ammends, if we had no part & were a pure victim start to finish, it is humble to just forgive & move on. It won't always go this way, not all are well spiritually & not all walk with the spirit in forgiveness. I can only be an example of this as I march toward another year sober. I can start by remembering to forgive myself for my mistakes so long as I have changed my ways, I can be an example to others even when they will not do things right. I can be convinced as I am, that spirituality is the defining difference between life & an awesome life. I can continue to share my message, that is the message of the miracle of sobriety, a higher power, spirituality, and what good people can do together if they so chose to. Thank you all again for a great year in my life, it has been the best year in my existance, may they only get better from here. May yours only get better from here & may I be a part of the greatness in your life if I may, to share in the joy of others is a joy in itself. Good night.. Good Morning.. Good Year!! <3 Jimmy

One Day At A Time - It Adds Up

July 19. Hello everyone, I hope monday was a great kickoff to a good week for you all. I want to thank all who continue to support me & those that share as well on facebook & other means, you also support spirituality & sobriety in the lives of everyone by doing so. I had a pretty good monday, it started with a little bit of worrying on my part. I woke up & talked to some people who had left messages. I also wrote my friend whom I have been taking to meetings the past few days, I have gotten as much help being of service as they probably have from the meetings. It's a win win situation when we can help another alcoholic/addict. I was supposed to call them in an hour & was just relaxing in the meantime. I ended up falling asleep & not only didn't call when I said I would, but I slept for over 4 hours. In light of it all it was good that I got the sleep by body needed, but caused me to worry unneccisarily for about an hour til i heard from them.. only to find out that they too fell asleep & there was no harm done. My concern was that I was potentially letting someone down that might have needed my support. Thankfully everything happens for a reason & in this case that was not so. We later met up & went to MARS Group, which turned out to be a wonderful meeting because it gave the opportunity for like minded people to get together with a like minded agenda.. staying sober by any means possible & one day at a time. Afterwards I got to go to my friend's place & see some of her beautiful artwork in person & also some handmade jewelry & things that could help both of us make money in my jewelry business. It was exciting to see yet another talent my friend posesses & I am in continual awe of these wonderful parts of personality & skills I find in her.

I finished the night with a call to my sponsor which was very relieving for the both of us, followed by getting a call from someone who is going to celebrate the same day as I am, next monday. We went over plans of who we would like to ask for readers & to speak & that took me to now. Pondering a topic I thought that since my one year anniversary was only about an hour or two away I would talk about one of the things that has made accumulating this year in sobriety possible both in measure of time & spirituality. The concept is nothing new, its been helping alcoholics & even normal every day people endure the hardest & best of moments without a drink or drug to try help them escape. To live life "One Day At A Time". This way of living has helped me make it a year, if asked if I could do it on day one I would have said it impossible for me to stay sober longer than a few hours. But as I learned from others, saw in others, and soon after experienced for myself, Living One Day At A Time makes for a wonderful life & a reasonable level of happiness that is impossible if all I do is worry about tomorrow & project about the future. It is a staple that has helped me with everything from repairing relationships with friends & family, to starting entirely new ones. It gives me the ability to worry about what is going on right now that needs to change, happen, or to pray about & keeps me focused on what is guaranteed in life & that is right this very moment.

I was given a gift from my mom & dad that sits on my desk, a little candle-lit plaque that reads "HOPE - Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow". This pretty much says it all, it sums up what has & will continue to work for me in my life. So that as I cross the threshold of 1 year sober, then so too can I see one more day of that spiritual magic working in my life. I cannot discredit this way of life, I have to promote it because of all it has allowed me to experience sober. There is & never will be a better way of looking at or living life than "One Day At A Time", together with other alcoholics & genuine friends one day more can mean the difference between life & death that is certifiable by drinking or taking drugs again. As I am equally excited about the new friendships & direction in my life, I am eager to see others adpot the spiritual principles that have worked for so many of us. We can all be better people, no matter how horrible we or our pasts were, we have today & just for today we can be better than we ever were & useful to our fellow human being. Just for today, one day at a time. One day folds into one year, a year into several, into a decade, into an eternity so long as my higher power wills it & the final great moment would to die one day, sober & a better man because I chose to be one day at a time. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Spiritual Investments - The Rewards We Don't Ask For

July 19. Well friends, I hope your weekend was spectacular & that your monday kicks off in a spiritually good pace. One more day until I am officially sober 1 year & I am amazed, one day at a time a huge accomplishment in my life is occuring. Not only is an accomplishment in my life, but it has truly given me life again. It's important I mention that because it will later tie into my topic, but a little more about my weekend if I may. I worked both days & made a modest living, not a great nor poor turnout at the marketplace so I had made a few extra dollars in the process. I was glad to have that extra money because it turned out that it came into play by helping a friend. In their recent need to get to meetings & a few minor areas of financial struggling as well, I was able to help get her to meetings this whole weekend. If I were not sober & in the spiritual position I am today, this would have been an impossibility for me. We got to have dinner while attending a meeting on saurday & I had it to spare to pick up the bill. To be completely honest I feel a spiritual connection to this friend & so long as they are doing what's right by the higher power & herself, helping is the only moral option in my mind if my higher power wills me able to do so. I truly am endebted to the 12 Steps & spiritual guides I have met along my journey this past year, for helping bring to shape the person I always had been when my alcoholism was not running my life. The unfortunate reality is though that before sobriety it consistantly ran my life & I missed out on many opportunities to help people before this. The fortunate reality is in retrospec, that I live one day at a time & today was able to help again. We went to another meeting sunday evening & an amazing thing happened there that enriched my soul & spirituality by a huge margin, I will later explain. When I dropped my friend off I got to see some more of her artistic creations, having seen some saturday, this time it was jewelry. Being right in my profression & the work being done in an amazingly skilled level, I knew that this friends who I am spiritually invested in could one day soon be also a financial investment as I would love to sell her jewelry creations at my own jewelry store. Time will see where either or both investments will lead, I do know that right now I must remain a true friend & gentleman despite how dazzled I am by this talented & beautiful free spirit.

With the weekend recapped, I want to revert back to the sunday night meeting for a moment to explore the topic for tonight. Some of you may remember a while back about me talking about taking a commitment to chair a 12 Step meeting at one of the local hospitals, for those who could not get out to a meeting & were interested in learning or staying connected to the fellowship in some manner. I recall tellin on here about how I was nervous to the very moment that the meeting started, but when it did I suddenly was empowered & spoke from the heart & with the conviction I had never seen in myself as the program I follow indeed saved my life & the quality thereof. A specific man was in attendance there that night & got to hear my story, his name slipped past me & he had looked much different recovering form illness issues there in the hospital. At tonight's meeting a confident, healthy & strongly built young man came to me and introduced himself, asking if I remembered him. The face was familiar, but the size of the man threw me off, muscles & health showing in each direction he existed. He said his name, explaining that he was at the meeting I chaired at the hospital some time ago. "I remember your story Jim, I related to so much, that was me I heard in your own words. It inspired me to find this fellowship when I left there & here I am sober, thanks to you & what you did there at the hospital."

I merely did my duty, as I am helping my friend in her current situation, just spiritually invested in good people that wish to help themselves grow as well. I cannot take any credit for this man being sober today, his higher power has performed that miracle along with his own desire to allow it to happen, to want sobriety. Although forced to accept the flattery, I was immediately transformed to what some describe as the 4th dimension of existance. I was for certain a spiritual being on a human journey, confirmed & convinced. I want to thank my higher power for helping this man find something in my story that verywell may transform his life beyond his wildest dremas. There is no greater feeling of wealth than to be able to help someone in need & to do it because your most inner desires are to do so. For so long my deepest desire was to get high or drunk, to feel nothing, to chase that dragon to fly me higher out of my real self. There is no feeling of euphoria, no amount of adrenaline, & no substance or chemical that could ever match the feeling I felt when this mad thanked me for what he saw as a miraculous awakening & I saw as my mere duty to my fellow man & woman on earth; sick, well, or in between. I thanked him for all of his kind words & I passed along my phone number, hoping he will utilize it in the future & help me by allowing me to be a friend & equally a part of his support group in the future.

My higher power gives me gifts irreplacable by any material things I could seek out myself. My friend whom I have been taking to meetings gave me a gift, although its material I did not ask nor expect it, to date it is my most valued "physical" posession because it came from her heart & out of an act of spiritual integrity & genuine friendship. That gift must have my higher power's works intertwined with the metal upon which its crafted from, it was a perfect fit & no measurement was done to asess if it would be. In turn the gift of assuredness that this program does work if we honestly & thoroughly pour ourselves into it, including into others who show they want it as well, I am ever convinced that this process is divine & a model I wish to use for the building of current & future life alike. Thank you both of my friends, your gifts are irreplacable to the heart, mind, & spirit. Although I feel a spiritual attachment to the friend I have been helping the past few days, greater options than being a selfish persuant have come to mind. I did also give her a gift which reminded me of her free spirit, her spiritual beliefs, and her talents. She is a gift to the world. I have the option to be a true gentleman, a real friend through and through, to be true blue & outwardly/openly myself as a giver & a man who rejoices in he smiles of others. I hope that I can make many more smile in the future, and to see her smile many more times in my deeds of an authentic & mysterious affinity towards her. May her talents & kind spirit be a blessing to all around her & may my selfish desire to one day see her be more than a friend only ever arise if she too wishes the same. To my new found friend at the meeting tonight, may he continue to listen to others as I have learned to do & find even more worth the efforts it takes to transform one's life from tragedy to triumph. I hope he uses that telephone number I passed onto him, he knows not how much he helps me by reaching out. We can do amazing things for others, and when we are looking for nothing in return somehow our higher power can reward us. It has already done so in my case with continued friendship with my anonymouse fairy friend & her treasured gift I wear honorably, as well as the flattery of a man who once lost, has been found & is sober, healthy, and on his way to a new life. I hope this inspires many of you to be spritually invested in people worthwhile out there, they will show themselves, you need only have your own "house" in order to be able to help them along with their own. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Pushed Back - Getting In Step W/ Spirituality

July 15. Hi friends & supporters, I hope you had the day you needed to instead of the day you wanted to. I know that my Thursday was busy beyond belief & although there are things I wanted different, like to see specific people & have more time at my usual pace, it was exactly what I needed it to be instead. The faster pace & number of appointments I had to be at made what could have been a horrible day caught in my head, a more bearable & survivable day. My alcoholism had less of a chance to attack my self esteem, my ego, my pride, or my emotions. My thoughts are always subject to the disease, but with spiritual tools & the right things in place we alcoholics are able to often combat this together. It was a day where my thoughts, brought on by signs I am probably seeing the totally wrong way, had become doubtful & diseased. It's funny how a few things that may not even be associated can affect the alcoholic's life & create a universal doubt for everything & anything, including our Higher Power. It's an overall feeling of a lack of trust, in ourselves & those around us, sometimes it is justified but often it is because of our damaged past & our lack of spirituality at that time in our life. We can become spiritually weak for just a day, a moment, or for an eternity, it is our choice. Luckily I was surrounded by good forces & my questioning of others & my higher power were battled by the places I had commitments to be today.

A visit to my doctor, who is a positive & motivational force in my recovery, was scheduled a month ago. Despite the progression of my worries throughout the morning, this was a definite visit in my agenda & the result was I was able to walk through the afternoon just shy of walking with the spirit, which is closer than I would have been without it. I might not have been spiritually "walking" at all had I not had that visit & seen other people in recovery there or heard the doctors positive reinforcements about my journey. Next I had to be at a counseling session, I was beginning to grow negative as I sat in the waiting room for almost a half hour past the time I was to be seen, which was time I was paying for & felt at the time I needed to talk about many things going on in my life. The visit ended up being very distracting from all the concerns & the gloom & doom in my head, again I was lifted slighty back up out of the slump that the long wait & an growing concerns about someone in my mind. Walking again just shy of that spiritual "step" that I needed to be in, my busy day had saved me from behing pushed too far behind where I should have been. Finally I had come home, ate & was off to my meeting. I was already tired but eager to go, I needed to confront my alcoholism & there is no better place to do so than among recovering alcoholics.

The meeting was about surrender, a speaker told his story then chose the topic. I spoke about my troubles of late, in placing trust in my higher power & others, that my life was heading in the right direction & that good things were at hand. The group went around & shared their experience & hope as well as their own struggles. I had finally gotten to where I felt the spirit back in step with me, no, I was back in step with the spirituality I needed. In feeling back on top of things, I sent a message to someone who I had questioned. I offered an appology for my doubts & explained that I was letting my disease take over my thinking, along with the fears & defects that accompany it until I have recovered further. I had hoped that with that appology I might had set my concerns straight, to shine light on the situation with them & we might see together that just realizing this & being able to offer an appology was spiritual progress in itself. I cannot control what others feel, believe, see, or do. I learn that more everyday, as I felt at one with myself for that moment in appology & doing whats right, I was pushed backwards again by a lack of compassion or understanding from the person I was having doubts about. To further a blow to my ego & my sincerity, they had expressed they were sorry they made things harder for me & needed a drink to get a good night's sleep following our conversation. One more push away from the spirit, not by them, but by my own alcoholic ego that says my appology & explination should make them feel better. I do not believe this person's desire to have a drink before bed by any means deems them alcoholic or to have a problem at all, but knowing that I may have added stress to their evening plays tricks on my alcoholic mind. To further my unhealthy thoughts, I had considered the fact that I want to experience more of this person in my life, yet for my own recovery do not surround myself with people who wish to drink around me. Had I been with them this particular night, I am not yet spiritually fit enough to say that I would not have had to leave them to their drink & myself to my own thoughts.

I am grateful today that I can see when I am not being spiritual, it is my only chance today of lasting recovery. It is my only opportunity to be sincerely sorrowful of poor judgement, action, or questioning of something in my life or someone else's. It is the times that I am at or do reach that spiritual level of existance that is right in life by myself, my higher power, & by others that I am able to know & gauge when I am not at that point & when I need to be aware & sensative of my actions or words towards others. Despite other's reactions, I cannot allow a spiritually depressed state to get worse when my acknowledgement or attempt to make ammends for such is not recoginized or appreciated by another. Allowing myself to be pushed back further spiritually in such a situation will only make my sobriety suffer & my relationship with them suffer as well. Today I am so grateful for awareness that I have never had in my active addiction, thanks to sobriety I am able to do what's necessary to get back on track. In this instance it is to turn it over to my higher power & to pray for the offended that they may learn understanding, love, and compassion for the still sick & suffering who not only wants to change but does everything in their power. It is one day at a time that I grow & my heart is large enough to love this whole world, if I only take the time to stay in step with the spirit. May the light of the spirit shine all over you, captivate the opportunities to use the spiritual tools in your life & if you don't yet have any, ask I will share as many of mine as I can. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Reliance - Where To Place It

July 15. Hello friends. I am starting blogging in the morning for a change, listening to the birds chirp & the world around me waking up. I had the luxury of walking this earth another day sober & enjoyed a night out playing poker with my cousins & friend. I still haven't settled much from all the coffee I drank but I don't have to get motivated til the afternoon, so I plan to give my body the rest it needs for a few hours this morning. I have never had the chance to play poker in a real venue before, only at kitchen tables & unorganized leagues, the recent legalization of the game in my state has allowed me to have a hand at it & it was a fun time. A time that I would not have gotten to experience at all if I were not clean & sober. My money, time & relationships with people to play cards or even just spend time with were completely gone for so many years. I can remember a few times in my addiction that I got to sit down & play rummy or poker with someone & had a blast, then other times I could not hold the cards even, because I did not have what I needed to sit still or I did too much & could not keep my composure. What a vast difference in the two worlds, many in recovery coin a phrase & I am really starting to see it unfold in my life. "It's like I had two lives, the old one of suffering & this new life of joy". Were there some good times in my addiciton, you bet, but none as good as my worst day in sobriety. I truly stand behind that bold statement, life is awesome today.

Before I bring up tonight's topic, I would like to set the stage for what brought it to mind. I went to my usual wednesday night meeting, which I have gone to before & was baffled as to why there was no one there. Upon arriving there were a few guys in the parking lot & no vehicles. Like me, they were oblivious to the fact that the meeting was cancelled for the next two weeks. I had left to be early for it, I deep inside felt the need for a meeting. I don't know if it was a need for the comfort of other alcoholics or just out of my usual routine but I at first was not happy with the fact it was cancelled. I made a two phone calls to that group's members & ended up relaying the cancellation to the other guys there, then they went their way & I was left to go mine. Finally getting to my topic, if I were relying solely on that meeting to keep me sober last night, I would have drank or taken a drug because it was not there as I needed. So many people place their reliance in certain things like routine, comfort, & whats readily availalbe.. or the worst possible case for an alcoholic or addict, to place reliance on ourselves. We cannot & must not use self reliance to stay sober, we have proven that all we know how to do is get drunk or high, or we would not be seeking a sober path. For non-alcoholics with spiritual disease, the same applies. Nothing but wreckage & suffering has resulted from relying on our own will & own lack of control.

So if we cannot rely on the meetings themselves, or our best friend, or even ourselves to keep us sober... What can we rely on? Where do we place our reliance?? We have to have a Reliance On A Power Greater Than Ourselves. Our Higher Power. Whatever you may call it, there are many names but only one higher power. It is yours & it is the only thing at the moment there is nothing between you & a substance that can help you. It was the only thing in many accounts that did & could help me. My faith that my Higher Power is looking out for me & that it means for me to be drug & alcohol free is what took over me last night. It has taken over me in instances where a supposed friend pulled out a pot pipe, and where family members were celebrating with cases of beer & a bonfire. All things I once enjoyed & at a first glance might allow my alcoholic mind to trick me into thinking it would be great to participate in. It is at that point, no matter what resource I turn to next to stay sober, my higher power that steps in & my faith in it's direction turns me away from that potentially fatal sip, dose or hit. The reliance in a higher power is as important a factor as a person admitting they have a disease they cannot control once it is ignited. The belief in a power greater than ourselves can in itself lend us the power to get out of & away from a potential relapse.

Its living without this higher power that allows our intelligence & logic to reason taking a drink or drug back into our mind. If we had full belief in something more wise & powerful than us, something with a direction of good that we choose to life for instead of run from, then we already are shielded from the first drink. We don't have to worry about the second, or hundreth being the one that kills us, gets us arrested, or otherwise ruins our life once again. There are no "cured" alcoholics in the world, if you can just stop drinking & stay stopped forever with no help from anyone or anything, including a higher power, than you are not alcoholic at all. The people I am speaking of, alcoholics, know of the unstoppable thirst for alcohol or drugs that cannot be quenched by a thousand & we know after one we are doomed until we run out, the place closes, or we are out of money or resources to obtain it. Something that holds a grip so powerful over us, that it renders us powerless when consumed, is something that we must turn over to this higher power. Reliance in a higher power, to me & only to me, means that I place my will in the hands of my creator to do with me as deemed necessary to help my fellow man & spread all that is good to them. The final act of self will & self reliance is suicicide, which is exactly what I as an alcoholic will be commiting if I drink or drug again. My fate is sealed without the miracle my higher power has given me, sobriety, for that my reliance will stay with my higher power. If my story is not enough, then some must find their own suffering to be great enough, but we do not have to live & die suffering. There is something we can rely on, even when we cannot rely on ourselves or others. Find your Higher Power, your life has everything to gain. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

A Plug In The Jug Is Not Enough

July 13. Hello my friends of the spirit, I hope Tuesday was a blessed day for you all. I continue to emerge from the slump I had allowed myself to slip into the past few days, feeling better at moments & empty during others. The most important thing I think is that I have not given up on maintaining my sobriety, the dark road that follows such is not a place I wish to return. I literally sat stagnant today for the most part, the spirit neither flowed in nor out of me & I noticed it myself. Had I been around others they surely would have seen the same, or maybe my spirit would have flowed some, I cannot speculate. It was evidently my higher power's will for me to stir & boil alone today because that is what happened. Fortunately there is relief from any condition my alcoholism puts me in, that relief is found at the meetings of the 12 Step fellowships. I went to the meeting tonight & on my way was asked via text message on my phone to co-chair the early recovery meeting. It's funny how anytime I need to be pulled from the wreckage of my self-centered sulking my higher power steps in & puts me in an appropriate situation to do so. The meeting went awesome, despite a specific man's problems in which he painted a picture of gloom & depressive life to everyone else. He made it seem like sobriety did not have so much greatness to look forward to afterall. But his specific problems were why his particular life was not going so well. I want to explain as I get into tonight's topic.

Some alcoholics, or any spiritually diseased persons, some are sicker than others. Meaning not all of us will measure as low on the scale of moral & spiritual bankruptcy. Many addicts out there found the sober life at a very "high" bottom & did not have to suffer many of the consequences or tortures that I & many others have had in our "low" bottom active addictions. This is a good thing, no great thing, that so many are hearing the message early & are not having to face the near death & devestating crashes that some of our lives have seen. But one minor reality exists in getting sober, that even some who are sober decades have missed. The ones who miss this little detail, I would not trade one day of my sobriety for a hundred years of theirs. I say this because they are totally clueless to what they are missing in life, they are ignorant to the actual purpose of getting sober & that is to get spiritual as well. "JUST PUTTING DOWN THE DRINK & DRUG IS NOT ENOUGH". There is so much more to getting sober. If you stop the intake of substances, you are merely dry, detoxified from the mood altering affects but you DO STILL SUFFER from your alcoholism. The only way to be completely relieved from the disease, which is never cured, is to practice spiritual principles in your life. This means we MUST CHANGE our way of thinking, living, and behaving entirely.

I see a man often, he is sober over two decades & he is miserable, he has not found harmony & happiness in his sobriety.. he is lacking Serenity & Peace. To a person stuck like this I would actually argue this, What is the point in being sober if you are not happy? Were you not happier when you could at least find some form of enjoyment, wether fleeting or selfish, while using drugs or alcohol? There is no point in getting "dry" & remaining miserable & cynical your entire life. To recovery means to restore our sanity, to obtain balance, and to feel peace & happiness in our lives. It does not mean to just stop drinking... if that were the case then this would be easier than it is. It is not changing everything about one's self, certainly no task for the weak, but we are strong.. all of us are. We get our strength from eachother & together we can accomplish that lasting peace in our life. This man who has gone on for 20 years, if he is indeed sober the entire duration he claims, he has not applied spiritual principles to his life. It is apparent by his dismay & discontent that he lacks what successfully sober alcoholics do & that is Serenity in his life. We get that serenity by surrendering to our disease, by giving ourselves over to the will of our higher power & by applying the 12 Steps in our EVERY DAY LIVES. There is NO OTHER WAY, abstenance is not the answer.. it must also contain spiritual advances or the formula is not complete.

There is a saying in the fellowship that says "Half Measures Availed Us Nothing", it means if we didn't give this our ALL then we will get nothing from it. This applies to the program of recovery entirely, from start to finish, which is the day we get sober to the day we die, we must apply ourselves wholly to the spiritual development within ourselves. If we find ourselves miserable, unhappy, or angry with the world or ourselves then there is something, probably many THINGS, that we are not doing as suggested by the 12 Steps, our Sponsors, or our support group. All we need to do is be willing to be someone else, because the person we were was miserable, selfish, lying, cheating, and sometimes worse defects, we need to be willing to be a better person. We need to want it, not necessarily need it, because its our desire to be our best that will make it happen for us. Our best is not being miserable after 20 years of abstenence from drugs & alcohol, it is to be peaceful & excited about life every moment we possibly can. It's to be happy for others who are experiencing spirituality for the first time in their life & to support with positivity any problems they may be having, because we know it WORKS IF WE WORK IT. So to those who have not yet given themselves completely to a spiritual program that will change their lives for the better, even if your 20 years into your journey.. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO START. Give yourself over to your higher power & let the love that you want come over you, your life will thank you later for doing so, when you can look back with gratitude instead of speculation & hatred for what you have not become. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Good Living Requires Maintenence

July 12. Hey friends, hope everyone is enjoying their start to this week. I had a rough weekend but made it through sober & somewhat sane. My sunday took a weird turn & I really cannot point at what made it happen, but thats the nature of alcoholism, we don't always know what makes us how we are. But we can do the necessary things to pull ourselves back up from the depths. I tried to do that & I feel after making it through this monday & my week officially underway I might be climbing back up on my feet. I have alot to be grateful for & after taking a day to relax & reflect I am realizing much of this. I have many things going on in my life that are far ahead of where they were just over a year ago. Two more weeks to the day & I will have endured a year of sobriety, not that it was all that painful, it was really more relieving than anything. This break from alcohol & other chemicals has begun to prove what my life can contain in their absence. I like what I am seeing & feeing and so do the people who count in my life. I made it to the meeting tonight at my home group, I felt it necessary to be there as a helping hand in getting up off my ass & out of the depression the weekend brought on. It was just the trick because we had a newcomer at their very first meeting & the topic was rightfully adjusted to meet the newcomer's needs.

Anytime I sit in on a meeting that addresses the newcomer I get reminded of many things. These are all things that I could easily lose track of or take for granted in my sobriety, things that could threaten my recovery process if not identified & highlighted in my mind. I chose not to share tonight, I needed to take with me more of the meeting than I could contribute this time & thats okay. It's actually how it is supposed to be. If anything matters more than me maintaining my own recovery, then I will not be able to recover. I heard all of the advice that I did in the beginning, and over the fourty minutes that other's talked I began to REAPPLY it to all the areas in which I was sick & suffering today. Because of the magic in the common purpose of all of us in the 12 Step fellowship, I was reminded of all the things I have to be grateful for, all without having to talk about myself specifically. I did not need to bring up my woes to get the medicinal cure of the program, I just had to listen & apply what was going to work for another alcoholic. Because what can work for them, can work for me. It has been proven, for over 75 years men & woman in the thousands & millions have been recovering from a hopless state of mind & body.

In that short meeting, just about an hour compared to the two days I have been down in the dumps, I have been able to turn my spirits back around. From slipping away from the happy place in my existance to firmly standing back in the impression of my sober stance, I have to continue to be grateful for the great things I have today & for nothing being close to the horror it was before I began this adventure of change in my life. I have the men & women that on a constant basis do the spiritual duty of helping another despite their own problems in life, because in doing so they have helped me once again. There is nothing that will get better in my life with a drink or drug, nor will it get better by allowing myself to get down & stagger in my steps towards spiritual fitness. I am responsible today for my own sobriety & I am responsible to share my strength experience & hope with others as well. If I don't do so, then I am taking a gift from the world without returning one & I cannot have the balance we all crave as human, spiritual beings. I thank my higher power for always giving me what I need, when I need it, instead of giving me what I want when I want it. One day at a time, it has been a grand accumulation of days in my life, the days of our lives. Not a soap opera show, but reality in its finest, that we can all be well together if we take the path less traveled, the path of those people who have found happiness before us. Here's to carrying the message, may mine always be enough to help the next. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Update

July 11. Just an update to all the friends & fans of SOS, the blog will be back on mid-day tomorrow/today depending on when you are reading this. I had a busy weekend & I need some rest. Always remember we have to take care of ourselves before our spirituality can come into play with taking care of others. Live & Love Living!! <3 Peace

Honesty - To Thine Own Self Be True - Part II

July 08. Hey everybody, I missed you all yesterday but took a break from the blog & enjoyed some 'me' time out with my cousin. Wednesday came & went, with some parts of the day I didn't look forward to & a few I did. I went to the movies with a friend & her kids which I was definitely looking forward to, but it was afterwards I was not. I had planned to give her a letter explaining a few problems I had with our friendship if I still felt the urgency to do so after the movies, I did & so I gave her the letter. The cause & affect of our decisions are everywhere, and I in fact hurt her feelings in my expressions on that paper I gave her. It was a necessary lesser of two evils to do so, because not doing it would have comprimised my sanity and possibly later my sobriety. If I put anything before my sobriety & what is required of me to maintain it, I will surely lose it & my sobriety together. So I had to be responsible & say something, a letter ensured I said it how I meant it & by reading it to myself I could see that I genuinely cared & was not just sounding off. The day pretty much went into a blur after that point, I emerged slightly better late that night in the company of my cousin feeling a little better & laughing instead of sulking about my choice. Thursday was upon me & I spent a good part of the day catching up on sleep & trying not to think too much. Well both worked out for the most part & night came. I went for dinner a town over & then hit up the usual thursday meeting I go to.

At the meeting there was a person whom I can't say I am too fond of at this time, someone I actually used to party with before I crashed & burned. I see alot of what was at one time myself withing her & she is struggling like I did a few years ago when I first came around to the 12 Step fellowships. She was high as a kite at the meeting & the chairman did not pick up on it, he asked her to come & speak for 10 minutes to the group. It was a display of what drugs & alcohol made all of us look like around the normal world, sick & suffering still. The thought & words came to my mind that have kept me True to Myself & the rest of the world around me since I got sober 11 months ago. "To Thine Own Self Be True". I've written about this in the past & its importance to me, but its worth mention again. Also I have grown quite a bit since I wrote on this last. It is this famous quote that has kept me honest in my program. I am by no means perfect, but when something has mattered I've been genuine. In my sobriety, my friendships, my business & relationships with family & others close to me it has been a key element of rebuilding a successful life. If we cannot be true to ourselves, we cannot be true to our program or to anyone else.

It's the element of truth that we build our entire foundation for recovery, which breaths us a new life, that foundation must be build on truth or one day reality will crumble it beneath our feet. If we are dealing with a problem, honesty will shine the light of the spirit on it & make it weaker, more people can help or guide us through an issue if it is really exposed for what it is. Sometimes we struggle with truth because of shame, guilt, or in alot of cases also it is a habbit we are comfortable with. As simple as telling little white lies can destroy things for us over time. Learning to be honest & then take it a step further by purposely leaving nothing out of sight when we deal with people will benefit us more than we can realize. When people know us & care about us, I mean truly know us, they can think about us more often when "this or that" which applies to us comes up. You don't know how many times I've been given a hug when I needed it or just got that friendly phone call from someone who cares because I shared the fact "I am hurting inside" with someone & didn't leave it out. Or how many times I've had help with an issue or someone showed me tolerance instead of lashing out on me because I said "I'm struggling with this, or letting that go". Honesty can change the whole playing field for us in our lives, which means our careers, our relationships, and our spiritual journey. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Half Full Glass - Positive Perspective

July 07. Hey Friends. Its already the start of wednesday & I am having a pretty great week. I think alot of it has to do with perspective, because there is not a whole lot that other people would consider good going on. Tuesday was interesting, I caught up on some sleep & hung out with mom during the early day. I had to chase the neighbor's goats out of our yard twice & lock them up. Like my dad says, they are laughing at me cuz I can block one hole they get out of & they know a hundred others if they really want to get out. It's been hot & hard to get cool so I got a haircut too. Later in the evening I had dinner & headed out for my meeting which was pretty good. I didn't get to see my sponsor but alot of other good friends were there to compensate having someone to keep up on telling on myself. We did talk later on the phone though which was good, just as I was getting to my cousin's house to hang out with him for a couple hours. He & his wife went out with me for a little while & we had fun. So here I am ready to rest up for my day tomorrow, which I am psyched about because I am going to the movies with a friend & kids. That type of excitement didn't exist in my life before sobriety, in fact it was a grueling nuisance to have to do anything with anybody else besides take trips to big cities for drugs. Thankfully I have been restored to sanity, for the most part, by my higher power & with the help of many.

I told someone tonight that was miserable, a complete stranger who was disgruntled & hating the world, that I am sorry they feel that way but MY GLASS IS ALWAYS HALF FULL. They really were in shock, almost like I was swearing at them or calling their mother names. I chuckled inside but kept my composure on the surface, some people just don't see life how I do today. I find that out more & more as I go on, that there are MANY who do not have a positive attitude. I don't want to guess at saying half the people I encounter, because lately I keep myself around other positive people on purpose, but if I were to just walk around the general public being cheerful not as many people as you think would respond. It's the positive attitude & optimism that has made all things in my sobriety possible today, that is why I go the extra mile to keep it a part of my life. How you might ask? Well one major thing is prayer & meditation to grow closer to my higher power & have a functioning relationship in my life that no human can change like with social relationships. I have not yet mastered meditation & may never be great at it, but I can get into that calm & empty place, where thought is totally random & does not dwell. It's a nice place to be when one thought moves to the next & you do not have to be focused on anything. I used to primarily focus on the negative, but today there is too much positive to be ignore.

Another way I keep positive is to have gratitude for all things good in my life & all things that I don't understand yet, because of their potential good later in my life. I do this by talking about it in every way I can, even on my social networks online. The ultimate way to do this though is to write & keep a gratitude list. Updating it gives us a chance to look back at things we may have forgotten. I stick with the winners so to speak these days as well. Meaning I try to surround myself by sober & positive people & even if someone close to me is drinking, I'll catch up with them next time when their sober. There is no need for me to expose myself to the negative affects of my past, even if its someone else being affected & even if they are not an alcoholic or addict like me. Bottom line is that all of these little things & chances to be positive in a day are cumulative. They add up to an overpowering force that requires me to go against the grain & think negatively for quite some time to get rid of it. Some people would say being stuck on the positive will make a person ignorant or to ignore the "bad" things in their life that need to be addressed. I do not agree, because if a negative issue is that pressing in someone's life, they will tend to it & hopefully in a positive manner. I never want to be one of those people who brings someone else down & if I ever am shame on myself. Staying positive keeps me close to spirituality, they are almost related but spirituality goes deeper into an almost action phase & proactive positivity. If you don't believe that it works & can change your life, just try it for a week straight. First you have to find your higher power if you haven't already, but then use the prayer & meditation. Make that list. Avoid those negative people & delete their voicemails on the first word they say, don't listen to their crap. See what happens by the end of the seven days & see how many more positive people are in your life that next week than were in it the week before. What do you have to lose besides your negativity? And we all have negativity, mine comes when I am financially or emotionally strapped, strained, or suprised. I'll have to work on that, maybe we can all work on being positive together. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Realizing Your Not The Higher Power

July 05. Hey my friends, all of you who had off I hope you enjoyed the beautiful day. Anyone who worked I hope it was a good day & you stayed cool. I had an awesome day. No lottery winnings, no big business deal, and no angels.. that I know of. But there was also no drugs or alcohol in my life, nor a single thought of them as I floated through my day. My higher power was in full control of my day, I simply went along for the ride & it was a smooth one. I started my day with a shower & then met a friend with her kids for an early lunch. We talked & goofed for a while at the diner then took a trip to best buy for software she needed. Rocking to the radio, talking, and just spending time with her & the two kids was enough to make my day, I didn't want the visit to be over. Without resistance we parted ways which was only easy to do because I remembered one thing, if I remember I am not a god & that I cannot control or have everything I wish.. then the things I do have will be appreciated. So as that thought passed I said a prayer, I often just talk real talk with my higher power like a phone conversations, and said "Thanks for this morning". Instead of dwelling on the fact that our short visit was over I was able to turn it over & appreciate every last second of it instead. I went home after that & to my suprise my whole immediate family was there. The nephews, nieces, sisters & parents. The beautiful day & my great morning made this day all the better, now I started to think. "What did I do right to deserve this day?" That answer must be with my higher power & I must have been good because more came yet.

I spent some time with the little ones playing a ball game I made up for them & talked with the other adults intermittenly. By the time they all took off mom & dad were planning to head out as well, so I got some quiet time to take a nap under the breeze of a fan. My monday group was moved to our friends house so we could have a fire & enjoy the weather, so I made phone calls to everyone I knew that might have gone to the church & found no meeting. I ended up staying close to three hours, talking & stoking the fire with great sober friends.. some spiritually fit & others just starting their journey. My sponsor ended up coming before I left, while enduring too many bug bites to count after the fire died, it was good to see & hear from him. He is one friend that is always there to help, with wisdom & his time, and many times more than that if needed. The honest & careful approach he has used with me for the past year is something I hope I can have when I sponsor people in the future. He had to get home & was tired with work in the morning, I left a few minutes after & got to catch mom & dad still awake. Looking back on the day I can really feel the topic for tonight in my life. I not only realize it, but I am so glad that I am not the Higher Power in my life. Just being along for the ride on a day like today is worth all the work & difficulty of following the spiritual path. A reward? Maybe, or maybe its just what happens when we live right.

I realized at the end of my run that I was not a god, I had not even the power to stop drugs & alcohol from ruling over me. Countless people walked all over me in my weakened state & I walked all over the people that loved me. No being of power would want nor need to behave such a way & a god would not be ruled by something else.. especially material & chemical things. Over this past 11 months in sobriety I see my higher power working around me in ways I could never imagine or duplicate, I even see it in other's lives & its a really peaceful feeling. Be it having a good day in my own life, or seeing a person loose a loved one, my higher power is alive & well. It is doing things for a reason, with purpose & clarity that my human mind cannot always see. I am learning so much by my relationship with my higher power, that it is transferring into my relationships with other people. I can only pray that I will one day be as close as I am to my higher power with my family, friends, and the love of my life should she appear in it. I have made a wonderful friend recently, she is a beautiful person & a mother as well. There are things that our higher power has intented to have happen or not happen as our friendship ages, many difficulties have already emerged, but realizing I am not in a position to change them helps. I can instead have hope & confidence that no matter what continues, stops, or amplifies between us will be the work of my higher power & what was intended for me.

I am happy to be me today, happy to not be God. The great things in life are sometimes in the fine print & sometimes not in print at all, thats where my higher power helps me to see them. There was a time when I thought I was created & destined to die chasing euphoria, my life to end of an overdose or organ failure of some kind. I am glad I did not have the power to make that view of my destiny concrete, my higher power has other intentions for me. All of the joys I have accumulated in short months add up to a lifetime worthwhile, I can say today that I was born to live free & walk with the spirit. A far outlook from the doom & gloom of my past. The battle has just begun, I can only do what my higher power allows me & it has already allowed so much. As I make attempts to live the 12 Steps it often gets difficult, but that is where being a human has its benefits, I can own mistakes & do not have to be perfect. The harder I try to live as my higher power intended & wishes, the more of this great life will be mine.. I am convinced. If your having trouble realizing you are not THE HIGHER POWER send me a message sometime, mine is big enough for the whole world & I am sharing it & his son with everyone who cares to embrace it. It's great to be me, its great to be you, we are the recipients of the grace of a higher power we may never fully know before our time is over.. that grace is life itself & all that comes with it. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

True Indepenence Days

July 04. Hello my many friends & I am so grateful there are many of you today. Happy & safe celebration of Independence Day. As most of the work world has Monday off some will do a little more partying than celebrating, I know because I was one of them for many years. The important part is that nobody gets hurt & everyone is safe & urges eachother to not drive if they were intoxicated. With the best of wishes for all, I'd love to share my day. I started the morning heading to work like any other Sunday, we fought as vendors to keep the market open because management wanted the day off. A day off can mean the difference of scraping by or staying ahead for some of us. I was already twirling thoughts around from the previous day & conditions in my life that I am to say the least "confused" about. All I knew was that I was inspired as it was Independence Day & I had the choice to keep pushing forward in my life. I did just that & the day turned out to be twice as good as it was yesterday, in the end we were proven right to fight to keep the market open. After a still long morning & afternoon it finally reached 2 o'clock & I had to close up before the lights were shut off. Out the door I went for a coffee & to think a little while, trying to make a decision I was holding off on & at the same time remain grateful.

I got home & had a quiet house, say for the occasional boom or report from a rocket going off. While in that quiet contemplation I got to consider all things independence. Here it was, Independence Day, the day of celebrating freedom & I was holding myself prison to a decision which only my higher power knew the outcome anyway. It finally dawned on me that the decision could wait, there was a life right now to enjoy & take advantage of its fullest promises. I was sober still afterall & growing every day in my spiritual life. Looking back at the sick & shell of a man that I was when in my active addiction, I was in fact the most free I have ever been in my life to date. Some would argue that I lived in America, home of the free since birth & that I was always free, their vision is too narrow. As a young child I was bound by carelessness & a carefree lack of understanding & scope. In my later childhood I was already accustomed to doing drugs & getting drunk as a form of dealing with problems, celebrating milestones in life, and having what I equated to as fun. The ability of chemicals to give me a case of the "F__K It's" or to give me back that carefree attitude I knew as a child was actually creating a prison around me, one brick & steel bar at a time.

Like people trapped by a dictator or terrorist nation, I was told by someone else how to live my life. The only difference was that the commander in my case was alcohol & drugs, it's ability to rule me was flawless for reasons I may never know. Vulnerable I was, and I did not know another way. People of certain nations & kingdoms are alot like I was still today, they do not know what FREEDOM is like & they cannot hunger for it without having ever experienced it. They only know what they know & that is not Independence for them & it certainly was not for me either. Thankfully though, like the epic battle & miracles in the stories told of the Revolutionary War, with the help of a power greater than myself I have gained my INDEPENDENCE from drugs & alcohol. Just as America was still America after that war, I am still me, a drug addict & alcoholic. But after that war, after much pain & suffering, sacrifice & learning, fighting for life itself, America was Free & so I am. I get a daily relief from my alcoholism today thanks to the 12 Steps & it's fellowships. Without them I would have fought a war with no guns, no soldiers, no spirit, & no faith. My higher power has somehow guided me through every battlefield & given me the strength to survive also the burials I have had to leave behind. Parts of me that used to exist & many other things & people lost along the way.

Independence Day only comes once a year, so the recognition of the great existance that is Freedom is very limited at times. That does not mean that we cannot recognize our own Liberties & Freedom today though, from whatever used to rule over us. Make every day YOUR INDEPENDENCE DAY, no matter if you are free from drugs & alcohol, a terrible marraige, a failing career, the rule of another country or king, the desire to smoke cigarettes, or any such thing that has at one time made your life less than it is now. BE FREE & CELEBRATE, all of us can & should, we all have something to be grateful for. Through spirituality we can show our gratitude by helping others & being the best possible person we can be.. which is alot easier when we have & recognize our Independence. Happy Holiday. God Bless America & All Free Nations!!! Let Freedom Ring In Everyone's Life!!! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Spiritual Decisions

July 03. Hello friends, the holiday weekend is underway & I hope you are all enjoying yourselves safely & spiritually. There is alot to do with independance & sobriety as well as spirituality, but I want to save that for tomorrow's blog & write about something else today. First I should share my day, it was not one of my greatest but I survived it sober which is more than I could have done before this journey. I got up early & was on time to open my shop with the opening of the marketplace. With a little help from a neighbor that I was grateful for taking down all the security fence & covers was a breeze. It seemed like a great day in the works already, but there was one thing missing. It wasn't my enthusiasm nor my will to give better deals than any of my competetors could, there was simply no customers. Though the parking lot full, not many strayed inside to buy things. Most of them hit the fireworks tent then straight back to their cars. I expected a slow weekend for the holiday & even advocated with others to be open on the 4th just to get what revenue we could, but it was desolate & so were people's interests in spending today. I put more work into the two marketplace days than I did most jobs, always on the move with a customer & always proud in an upkept presentation & display of the jewelry. After the long day ended, I had a mere few dollars to chuckle about & it was thanks to one loyal customer & friend.

I only shared that to say, I had almost lost track of my gratitude for a moment. It took remembering all the poor decisions of my past & losing it all time after time to remember that I should be grateful I have a business at all & that I am alive to have a slow business day. I was talking after the slump of a day with a close friend & some things we discussed were not exactly what I had hoped to hear. It seems that the situation I put myself in, due to prior decisions to grow closer to a friend, has some complications I was not aware of. Better yet, completely at fault, I assumed things were a certain way by appearances without asking or confirming my take on it. It all boils down to decisions I have made or have yet to make. Decisions I chose to make in the past have put me in the clueless situation I am in now. As I claw for insight before making any more choices that could damage myself or my friend in any way, I have really taken a deep look at decision making in my life. I have several options, some of which involving shutting myself off, others being patient & waiting for more to be revealed, pushing on blindly as I did before I found out information, or deciding to make no decision at all at the time being, which is still a decision. It's a funny circle to think about really, but not when your the one faced with decisions.

Should I stay or should I go? Red or Green? How about black? Or No Shirt at all? Confused? Welcome to my spot. But I have seen a spiritual side to all of this confusion. One that says, In the past I was not capable of weighing decisions nor making the right one often at all. Today I have at least a chance to do the next right thing & even if not I am in a much better place to deal with the side effects. This process of weighing a decision based on my feelings, logic, beliefs, and the many other countless factors is proof that the program works because before if there was not a direct result of a high or drunk related to a decision in my life, that decision was not made or was a decision not to do something that wouldn't somehow benefit my selfish addiction. I still have to make decision selfishly on behalf of my sobriety, but I can back those decisions today with moral boundries that I do not have to cross for once in my life. I truly try to make decision on a clean slate, if my spiritual life or my sobriety are not affected then I more often than not can make the right decision, but my decision as of late is one with emotional side effects for myself & a friend. It's almost equivalent to telling someone you can't be there friend because they do illegal drugs still, or some who are spiritually fit say "we can be friends but not when your on that stuff".

I am not sure of what decision I will make, or if I will hide from the whole process like a lost little boy who won't talk to strangers, but I am willing to feel for the answer. I have asked my higher power to help me with decisions in my life before & this should be no exception. When I ask what it would have of me, the answers are considerably closer to me than without it's help. Its because that is my understanding of a higher power & what is right, wrong, or indifferent. My higher power tells me right now to learn more, give things time, and truly decide for whats best in my situation considering my sobriety & spiritual life as necessaries to survive the decision. With any difficult or important decision it's best to have the facts, feelings, and affects all thought out prior to making any.. that is especially for alcoholics/addicts & spiritually sick people. I say that because a rash decision is the only way we know & sometimes at face value we can turn something down that was a true treat or take something on that is a real nightmare. When there is another human being involved in my decision & its emotional reach, I must not take haste or I have not done my job as a spiritually driven person. To The Lab Good Doctor.. To The Lab. Happy Holiday Weekend. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy