Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Changing Directions - The Direction Of Change

September 28. Hello all of my great friends. I am grateful for the support of all of you who read this & those who share their experience & hope as well on the facebook fan page. When I started this project I thought of a greater purpose, to help others in their spiritual journey. I never knew how much this outlet was going to help me get so many things out that left bottled up could have caused me to revert to my old alcholic ways. If I can ever help one person with these entries then I have done what I set out to do, but you all have helped me beyond the extent you may know. Sometimes it's hard to get the "fuel" to write here, but today was full of fire & life to talk about. I got up early & dropped off by my mom to play a card game this morning. In the afternoon I started walking to the hospital to see my grandmother & my cousin came halfway through my walk to pick me up, which was great cuz it started getting hot out. We visited for a few hours with my aunt & uncle from NYC, mom, and my grandmother. We actually enjoyed an afternoon of laughs & talking, it was great to kiss my grandma & tell her I love her. Earlier this month I had been bottling up feelings about an ammends I need to make to her, realizing today finally that it's okay & that I can love her without yet making those ammends & while there is time to show my love. Old behaviors die hard, the 12 Steps our only tool to escape those behaviors. Later in the evening, after dinner w/ mom & dad, I went to my usual meeting near home & the topic was spot on about old behaviors... "Change". It was a great meeting & I heard so much that has helped me keep things in perspective tonight, along with the valuable opportunity to pour my love to my grandmother I certainly felt the benefits of change. Tonight's topic is "Changing Directions" or "The Direction of Our Change".

When we enter recovery we are very spiritually sick, we know little to nothing about change & we desperately need the help of others to work on this. Funny enough, no matter how long we are sober we will never be able to 'change' this fact about change, we just need help to change our alcoholic ways. Aside from that, I realized something so important about myself personally today. For weeks I have lived old alcoholic behaviors by shying away & "hiding" from the responsibility of showing my grandmother exactly how much I love her in her moments of illness & fear of the unknown. The direction of my change in the beginning was day after day moving towards a positive & spiritually healthy place. In contrast the past few weeks, since hearing of my grandmother's cancer, I have done old and toxic behaviors like Projecting about the future without any solid basis & by hiding away from my grandmother's presence most of the time because I was feeling shame & guilt & did not know how to just let things go & show her the love I hold within. In ways I was making her go without hearing me say "I Love You Nanny" because of my own selfishness caused by changing backward into my alcoholism. We all must be careful, staying centered in our recovery is vital & we must speak about what is bothering us or what we cannot figure out ourselves. If I never shared with others how I was feeling & that I was torn & hiding from the situation at hand, I would never have gotten the solutions to undo the negative changes in my life that were moving me back towards my alcoholic & addicted personality. I am not that person I was over a year ago today, if I want to remain in positive change I need to utilize the help of others who can keep me moving in the right direction. Simply put, for me, if I cannot seem to move forward I truly must stop and examine what Direction I am Changing in. If I am moving backwards towards an area I once was in my alcoholism then I need to reach out to others because I alone have none of the answers to recovery from this disease. Changing Directions, so long as I keep track of my Direction of Change. Positive & forward in Spirit & Sobriety. Thank you all who have helped me through this hard & difficult time, the burden has been lifted & I feel as though I can love without the weight of my past restricting me. Finally, peace without shame so that I can be the great person my Higher Power intends me to be. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Saturday, September 25, 2010

All I Can Do Is All I Can Do & All I Can Do Is Enough

September 25. Happy Saturday to all the little people in this big world of possibilities. I had a pretty good day, starting with hanging out with my parents for a while then going to play some poker after that. The poker game didn't take long so I got some treats for my parents & called my cousin to pick me up. We spent some time together hanging out & I even got to talk to my sponsor again at length for the 2nd day in a row. He is always there to talk, but sometimes I am brief or don't call every night. It's my responsiblity to reach out, he does a great job at being patient with me & I am so grateful that he agreed to sponsor me over a year ago. My parents came to pick me up & brought my tables for the market tomorrow where I sell jewelry at, so I loaded them into my cousin's van & got a ride back home with them. It was nice to not be stressing or working on a saturday, but I don't want to get comfortable with that because I really do love seeing other people at my business that are out enjoying their day. For the next few weeks I am pretty sure I will only be at two days of markets & I am looking for opportunities to do more. In all the conversations with all the people I spoke to today, there was one in specific that lingered in my mind. I won't get into the specifics really, but the general topic I am drawing from it is a good one for me to remember.

"All You Can Do Is All You Can Do & All You Can Do Is Enough". That was my words of advice to someone, they were passed down to me by someone in much the same fashion only I was the one stressing back then over situations & other people involved in them. When we really think deeply about this statement, if we live up to it we have nothing to feel bad about or be sorry for at the end of each day. What it means to me, even in Sobriety today, is that if I apply myself fully & give something my best along with a moral backing of my beliefs, then I should not feel bad about the way anything turns out. I won't have to feel I let anyone down if I fell short, no second guessing myself about it, and I can rest without my conscience bothering me. Even when other's do something wrong to me, inentionally or not, I can check myself by asking if I have done All I Can Do to help them make it right. A good example would be if someone borrows my keys & does not return them, they live 20 miles away & neither one of us have a car, lets assume I need those keys to get into my mailbox & can't get in to get my check & cash it to pay bills. Can I really be bitter about the situation if I have not used my resources to try & get my keys back. If I used a ride to go to the movies instead of going to get my keys, can I really be mad at that person who cannot get to me? All I Can Do sometimes is more than just sitting idly by & waiting for something to be fixed. There are other ways to look a this & apply it to my life also.

All I Can Do applies to my personal life, my relationship with my higher power, and my ability to improve on myself. I can put things into perspective if I ask myself, "Did I do all I can do at work today", "Did I give enough attention to my Sobriety today", "Did I help everyone I possibly could when the opportunity presented itself". These kinds of questions run through a person's mind who is in tune with this concept. Sometimes it can be as much a burden as a motivator though, like when we beat ourselves up or the times when we did not do all we could do for something or someone. It's those times we have to ask ourselves, Did we see the other options out there & just pass up on them, or did we figure them out afterwards? If we didn't see that our sister's dishes could get done & we had time to do them, then we can't place a burden on ourselves for missing that detail. But if we consciously saw a sink filled, and had 3 hours to kill, why didn't we help her out? All We Can Do Is All We Can Do & All We Can Do Is Enough. I am with the Doing Enough side, it's something I am not great at, but if I can continue to practice as I go maybe, just maybe, before my Higher Power decides it's time I can get to be good at it. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Acceptance - Lesson After Lesson

September 23. Hello friends, I hope all of you had a terrific thursday. Mine was spent keeping busy, which was a great feeling. I got to spend time w/ my sisters & a cousin while we moved my store from one town to prepare for my move to a bigger town. It's all an exciting frontier because it could spell a potentially large new market, but with any move risks are involved. With my current standings w/ the old location & its management, this risk was weighed in both my heart & mind as being worthwhile. Win, Lose, or Draw I have my sobriety today & that is one thing that is not on the line with the recent releif in stress after moving out. Not many of the "earthers", as i call them, or non-alcoholic/addicts know what goes through our minds when we are under constant surrender to certain people, places or things. If only normal people knew what were within our minds at some points, they would not point fingers so much, nor argue against our concerns. Sadly though they do not know what is occuring in our minds, something that we must constantly face & turn over to our higher power. That is not to say that this is an excuse, it's certainly not in my life today, but it is an explination for my past as it was. After the big move of all the merchandise I got a ride to the valley w/ my cousin to go play poker for a while which was a blast. I met up w/ my mom & on the ride home we decided we could make dinner fast enough & I didn't need to buy takeout. We got home, ate a good dinner & then my parents took me to my usual Thursday meeting.

At the meeting the topic was acceptance, we ran a longer than usual meeting to let everyone share too. The full spectrum of many different views were shared, from still toxic minded to the very in depth spiritually well folks there. It was great to hear because it showed me exactly what frame of thinking I was in & where I need to be or shoot for each day. I shared about my recent accepting of my own defects of character in regaurds to my relationship w/ the old management at the storefront I rented, realizing that even after I appologized for mine that their own continued to poke at me. I am ever glad to be out of that situation & onto new, better things & also be close to my cousin on weekends. I also shared about how I couldn't accept a former relationship, that my ex did not love me as much as I loved her & how it drove me nuts. It brought out more of my alcoholism, even in sobriety, the miracle being that with the help of the 12 Steps & the fellowship I did not drink or drug because of it. I learned soon after & for many months have grown & healed with an opportunity to focus on solely myself & my recovery, without distractions or unbalanced relationships in my life. The final thing I shared about was my accepting that my getting sober at all was an act of my Higher Power. From the breaks I caught to the hard lessons & time I served, everything seemed orchestrated to lead me into a mindset & position to finally begin recovery & actually want it to last. Then in a conversation after the meeting some things got a little difficult for me.

I was talking w/ two people whom I am very close today, about a serious topic that pertains to my thinking recently. The specifics aren't as important as the amount of space this was taking up in my head. I not only had thought about this potential problem, but I had a bad dream about it, so bad that I had to pray when I was woken by it. Praying wasn't enough, I had to share about it with my sister's during the day also. Then the thought returned this evening, the realism in that dream was really renting too much space in my head & my alcoholism was loving it. When I shared about it at the meeting, it once again lost it's power over me. So afterwards I was speaking w/ these two people & one of them was what I assumed "trying to make light of it". By basically making it seem like a controlled or near impossible situation to end up in, they assumed that saying so would be enough to lay the subject to rest. I didn't bring it up to lay it to rest, I brought it up to mention that I shared about it at the meeting & to my sisters as well. Sometimes we just take things personal, like we have to defend it, this happens to non-alcoholics as well.. it's called being human I think :) Anyway, there was no getting through that this serious concern which reminded me so much of my past & was so vividly real in thought & dream was a disturbance to my day. All that needed to be said was, "Ok, I am glad to know you feel that way." I have to learn to accept that people aren't always going to say what I want, or feel how I want them to feel, or even catch on to what I am saying. They aren't always going to know how to handle something that bothers me either. I just sometimes wish that a legitimate concern, one of a crafty & intelligent drug addict/alcoholic in recovery, could be taken with weight & without accusation of over-reacting or possibly that "I am a little edgy in my current circumstance & stage of recovery". Can I not have a legitimate fear or concern? One that my Higher Power has not yet helped me handle, and one that I need ask a non-alcoholic to assist me with? To this I don't know the answers, I don't know any answers actually. I just know how to talk about it, and if I get upset during that process I need to learn that other people will judge me. I don't care if they judge me, I am being taught not to care, but I do care if I love them as well I do care if I still have a concern because the weight of it has not been liften by a word they said. Sometimes if there is a problem that we cannot remove ourselves, we need to just pray that somebody, something takes that fear & locks it in a box where it can't get out to get us. Until that happens, as if it ever will, we only have a valuable tool that we can use through the help of others & by talking about it.. that tool is ACCEPTANCE. Of what we are, what our fears are, and where we are today through the grace of our Higher Power. Peace be with you all, in mind, body & spirit. Please pray for all who are sick in all ways one may be ill, & love. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Monday, September 20, 2010

Harmful Decisions - Who Should Decide

September 20. Hey everybody, hope your Monday exceeded expectations, which we shouldn't have anyway right? Just go with the flow. So mine didn't contain much action, a few phone calls from family & a friend but not much else early on. In the evening I got myself ready for MARS Group & mom took me there. I tried to make arrangements to hang out with some friends afterwards but nothing worked out. The meeting was minus several of our normal members & Kathy whom got things going to start the group, but we made the absolute best of it. With fewer people the conversation was more intimiate, the discussion more real, and the laughs louder & longer. Afterall we aren't there to be miserable, we are there to share recovery & its tools. The discussion went into detail about the 9th Step, making ammends to those we harmed. There was a lot of discussion about the exclusion for this step which says, except when do to so would injure them or others. People wanted to clarify what exactly hurting someone else means, because revealing you did someone wrong is going to do some sort of harm to a person's psyche regaurdless unless they already knew of the specific case. While everyone tossed ideas back & forth I thought of what was most important to me & for other alcoholics in regaurds to this process. My topic for tonight doesn't even have to do with ammends actually, moreso the actual workings of the alcoholic mind & how exactly we determine right from wrong in our spiritual steps & lives.

The key to figuring out alot of our 'confusing' decisions in Sobriety is this, We in fact are alcoholic; our minds, bodies, thoughts and feelings are all relative to our disease. We will not think clearly or know what's right when left to our own devices, most of the time. As we begin to recover we become more capable of deciphering right from wrong, hurt from help, and good from bad etc. Even in our most spiritual stages of recovery we are not fit to simply decide for ourselves what is best or right, we have proven to other's and ourselves that in the past our own decisions got us nothing but High, Drunk, or Spiritually Bankrupt. In addition many other losses or damages have been undergone at the expense of our alcoholism & our thinking we can run our own show or lives. So what do we do when there is a big decision in our lives? One that affects others, our lives, our spirituality, or other's life in general? We consult another alcoholic, one with experience in not only our specific problem, but with all 12 Steps in their life. If we want to take or keep control of our lives, even in these difficult & baffeling decisions we will run things into the ground as we always have. We DO NOT know what is best for us at all times, if we think we do we are not far from spiritual disaster or a drink/drug. Our ability to turn our will & our lives over to our Higher Power are not enough, we cannot be perfect sheep to follow the code of our creator or it's rules. We need someone else to help us, that is why working with another alcoholic is a key element of lasting sobriety, because it helps both parties.

You don't have to take my word for it, or the thousands of other alcoholics that are successfully sober today, you CAN try it your way over & over.. but when you expect different results you will be praying all over for the insanity to be relieved. Our best performances in life as alcoholics are ones that are thought out, prayed about, and that we ran by another alcoholic who has successful & stable sobriety w/ experience in what we are trying to accomplish, endure, or survive without harming anyone. In the end that is what's most important, that we don't harm ourselves or someone else, with the exception of if we are making ammends & have to take loss or damage because of the ammends, that we take such consequences so long as it won't hurt anyone else directly. This means our children, spouses, family, business partners etc. We take the damage, not them, and if they would be harmed then we must turn all of this over to our higher power & another alcoholic that would steer us away from the wrong decision. Thanks for listening, and remember that what's right is what is right. We do not define what right is, our view or conception of it may be scewed, years & decades into recovery. We are not so big that we cannot shrink our ego's down & accept help deciding the difficult things in life & if we are that big, our higher power will be along to humble us soon enough. Either that or our alcoholism will cripple us when we take a drink. "You had to be a Big Shot, Did Ya?" Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Spiritually Sick - An Actual Illness

September 19. Hey all, it's almost midnight at my house & Sunday is winding down to a close. I had a rough weekend full of some people that were lacking Spirituality in their lives at all. When we become self absorbed, like a specific person I was forced to deal with this weekend, we lose our ability to perform spiritual actions. Spirituality by nature is fair & understanding, perhaps I even myself crossed that line when I was pushed too hard by a person who was supposed to be a professional this weekend. I can only take ownership of my side of things however. Looking back at this "argument" I was in, I did little wrong but somehow I must have because I lost my cool. I allowed someone barking orders at me like a trained animal, when I am my own boss & own my own business, to agitate me to the point that I flat out asked them "What do you have against me?" From that statement yelling & a huge attempt at making a scene ensued by the other party in this argument. It got so bad I was starting to get embarassed that other vendors were seeing me be bullied & verbally shouted down, a threat to call the police was even dropped because I had to wait for my ride to return & could not leave immediately on my own will without abandoning my merchandise. In the heat of that threat I even replied, "Would you like me to dial the number for you?". Sarcasm was not going to win this battle, and it still won't. I don't think that with the way things were going that being a smartass was going to get me any ground, but I was already told I had to leave a property in which I rent space as a vendor on a day that business was open to the public, I didn't have much to lose by chewing back into the argument. I am ashamed though that I could not take a deep breath & just walk away from the whole thing, perhaps it was an inside fear of my livelyhood & my business being threatened by someone or maybe it was my alcoholic mind reacting as it has in the past. Either way I have chalked this up as experience for the future & I hope if I am ever in such a situation that I can perform more professionally & compassionately for the other party lacking a Spiritual sense of dignity.

I don't know much about what's right or wrong, I can only do what I am now taught is right & remember what in the past I have done is wrong. Sobriety is teaching me new things each day I endure, it is at the hands & from the lives of others sharing sobriety that I learn anything at all about life today. How to live without a drug or a drink each day was hard enough to figure out, the rest can be a tricky lesson. I think though from my own personal experience, as well as the mouth's of others, that I have learned one thing about people. Some people are just Spiritually Sick. Whatever motivates them, drives them, or is draining them inside is how they live, work, and present themselves. Some people with experience can use restraint & turn this on or off like a switch, but in times of crisis their true colors show & the lack of Spirituality is evident. Signs like selfishness, snobbishness, greed, arrogance, all the way down to my past life of alcoholism & addiction can be spotted if you look hard enough. My point of talking about this is certainly not to put anyone down, I have my own heap of defects as a human that I work on steadily to become more of a Spiritual Being than a Human Being. What I am getting at however is this, people who have these problems often make them other's problem too. In the case I experienced this weekend at my own paid space at a marketplace, and with countless others, even as people experienced with me in the heat of my active addiction.. all cases of Spiritual Sickness & people not behaving as they should due to the lack of spirituality in their life. So many think this is a choice, but it is not.

To explain how it is not a choice is simple, I wanted to stop using drugs but could not. I hurt so many, I nearly died many times, I got arrested countless times as well. I did not want to be that addict yet I went to that evil well for water over & over again, because I had no spiritual strength to resist it. When an argument breaks out & someone behaves badly, or they get desperate & steal or rip someone off, the same things is occuring. They have no spiritual strenght, to further, they do not even know what they are missing. If you told me in my addiction that life could be great, having very little & nothing artificial to make you feel good, that I may never be rich or famous, never be important to the world, or may never find a wife & have children.. I would have at that point said "you can keep your spirituality". Why? Because I did not know how it felt to be in the Light of the Spirit or to live a Life of The Spirit. If you don't know how it feels, you cannot just chose to act a non-spiritual way, you just do what you have learned or feel at that time. It's only when you have experienced this Spiritual Life & the way making those choices & actions affects your life that you can begin to decide to act differently. I had to blindly hope that I life would get better, and I had to fake it until it really happened for me inside, but it did. Spirituality took over & I have a conscience today that is full of spiritual lines that I will not purposely cross with a cool head. After all this explaining of things many of us already know I will conclude with this. Spiritually Sick people are just that, they are sick. They have an illness of some sort, if its not an addiction it may be an imbalance, it may be caused from horrible past experiences, it may just be that they have no higher power & they believe they are God itself. No matter the case, these are all illnesses in a way. They are illnesses because they can be treated. With what? Kindness, understanding, and by not glorifying or enabling that non-spiritual behavior. In time they will either get better, or they will find themselves as I was... alone & cold, ready for death & resenting any power that any person, thing, or 'God' had over them. Pray for the sick, be well & lets all admit when we are not being our best. I surely fell short this weekend and felt the burn of the fire. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Cleaning Up The Damage - After Being Our Worst

September 19. Good Saturday Morning Friends. Or early morning for those of you reading this live in the middle of the night. I wasn't going to write today, but things on my mind need to get out. It's been a valuable tool to put thought & emotion to print so that I can even myself look at it for what it is on the outside. I started my morning off normally, getting up to head to Treasure Hunters. Only I found that my mom must have been in a rush because she had already transferred my cases of jewelry from my car to hers so she could drop me off. With that said I speedily got ready & we were off, stopping for a coffee at her old favorite morning stop before work, when she still had work that is. A quick chat & back on the road we were, getting there about 5 minutes past schedule, or what I thought was the schedule. My mother didn't say that she was rushing, but I could tell from her frantic & distant actions she was pressing me to get things figured out & unloaded so she could leave to go be with her mom in the hospital. Things got hectic fast. While trying to set up outside I got stopped & told my interior store front must be open in order to do so, I went in to make arrangements & in doing so mom got anxious & lost her nerve. She has been spreading herself too thin lately, I truly believe she needed to tell me "No I can't take you this morning" with all that was going on in her mind, but she is too caring to say that & brought me anyway. After my neighbor vendor saw her lose her composure & begin crying she walked off, I looked to the neighbor whom I was going to ask to help me collect money inside so I could sell jewelry outside & her demeanor was unsettling. I thought it best not to ask for help at that moment & I returned to my mom's car to wait for her & unload the merchandise to bring it inside. Mind you, selling inside has cost me half of my revenue as people don't even come in after spending all they have outside at those vendors. So with that I called my sister to talk to my mom & find out what was going on emotionally that she was breaking down, not that I was making things easier by not having a direct plan of attack already.

The end result was I was to take my stuff indoors & setup there for the day, which to me was a lame attempt at going for the customers I needed, but a comprimise to get my mom out of there fast & on with her day. I got the interior ready, my cart still loaded with jewelry yet, then decided to finally ask the neighbor to collect money if anything sold inside. She agreed & I headed outside. I asked the manager, whom I have had many arguments in the past about changing rules on the fly & outright pushing people around, "Can I set up anywhere out there or what?". She replied yes so I picked a spot marked off & numbered for vendors. 20 minutes into setting up she came out yelling at me as she normally does that I gotta move my stuff right now & that I can't be there. This was already after an altercation between her & I when I walked in about being open inside to sell outside as well. I got a bit upset that she would wait until I was well into my setup to say anything, I was losing business & time & my nerves were wearing down. My alcoholic mind wanted to yell, but I didn't, not yet anyway. I asked her what was with the other vendors in the fire lane, she said they were far enough out of the way, my rebuttle was they were still obstructing the building none-the-less. To make this long story short, she was not willing to talk this out as she began yelling again, I raised my voice back as to be heard and asked why she must week after week continue to single me out with dictated rules that are not in print or to also go against one week what she stated was okay the week before. She flipped out & told me I was thrown off the property & had to leave. I replied when my ride comes I will do just that, she then said she will call the police & I returned with "I will call them for you to ensure my stuff is safely removed from the property".

The point of this story is this, how quickly we can go from having a good morning to the social interactions with others sparking our alcoholic minds. I went from being enthusiastic & ready to sell to my customers to being inable to function around people & needing to leave to reset my feelings & thoughts. Another point I would like to make here is that although I am the alcoholic in recovery, some other people I may encounter can be spiritually sick as well. Ignorance & self rightousness are two terrible traits to have. Innocence & ignorance to be confused here. I was only doing as I was told & asked to do, yet as I always do this I had been singled out again & picked on over someone's inability to communicate with others in a direct & consistant fashion. Whats okay for one is okay for all, when we all pay the same rent & must operate under the same rules. That is my belief, it may not be yours, but I think it's what my higher power would deem as "fair thinking". After this entire altercation & while waiting for my ride, the security guard & the Head Manager came up to talk to me about what happened. After explaining things they made a light joke about me not being married & it being obvious because when dealing with a woman sometimes we need to learn to suck it up & hold our tongue. I got a laugh out of it but in all it wasn't all that funny because management is there to manage, not yell at people & treat people with favortism or bias. The guard & Head manager at this point asked me to please stay, that I was a valuable attraction to the market & a loyal tennant that they would hate to lose. I explained that I offered to go speak in the office arbitrarily to the other manager & that she refused, that there wasn't much else to say if she wanted me gone. They said they feel opposite & that they want me there. After explaining how my morning started & how she threw more gas on the fire, I said that I would consider it but was going home to clear my thoughts & think about it all. I spoke with my parents about it, whom I both consider qualified consultants in my business decisions about location & operations. They both understood my position & felt that we should work what we can out for the duration of the time we have paid to be there. In agreeance I finally got out of my alcoholic grudge & saw the light in their suggestions. So we will move forward here, most likely moving to a new location soon & perhaps a better one if my higher power blesses me with such opportunity. Now to finally summarize this long story into a brief topic.

In life there are rules & boundries, consequences & prices. We must operate within these or we lose certain things, that is the nature of man's laws & establishment's rights. Just as I had been pushed a little too far & lost my cool today, so too can others. Some are just spiritually sick without a drink or drug to cause it, feeling superior over others & can at times press our buttons. It's our ability to look past those people & see soley our part in things that matters the most. Should me making ammends for any of my wrong in this matter not suffice the manager whom I got into the argument with, then I will have at least handled cleaning my side of the street. I am confident that my higher power will lead me to a better vehicle for success & opportunity should this not work out, and regaurdless I will probably over time phase out of this market so that I can begin a new relationship with a potentially better management team somewhere else. What matters most again is my ability to correct my behaviors, learn from this situation, and to do different in the future. I had a deep down feeling that one day this manager & I would not see eye to eye again, its happened several times before, the best I can do is to be polite & move on with my agenda, elsewhere if need be. Tomorrow I will be heading in to appologize for being argumentative, if that does not suffice the woman then I know I have done my part. We must at all times be our best, even if we catch ourselves at our worst, the opportunities to be a better person await the next minute, day, or chance we have to shine & be a contributer of good things instead of bad vibes. Thanks for listening. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Friday, September 17, 2010

InPatient, OutPatient, Impatient - What Works?

September 17. Hello friends & family, its Friday night & I am just getting settled in to write. Today was typical, but in some ways not. The suprises came later toward the evening & the morning was boring. I was stuck at the house alone because I didn't sleep & was too tired to get up when Mom left to go out for the day. Obviously I needed the rest because I didn't come out of my coma until afternoon say for a few stirring dreams and a bat of my eyes. When I got to thinking about what was going on, I forced myself to start up for the day & tried to keep myself amused with internet antics. My dad got out of work on time for a change & showed up around 4pm so we talked for a few while I finished my online adventuring & went to shower for dinner with mom. We stopped off at a Tobacco shop on the way to the resturaunt to see if they had the E-Cig cartridges I needed, but they weren't compatible with my brand. Bummer. We had a pretty good dinner at a new spot for me & a return visit of mom & dad. I think the iced tea was superior there but not much else, but all in all it was a good meal & a good evening out with my parents. I would settle for reheated fast food if it were to get some time across the table from them. On our way out we happen to see one of my closest friend's & his girlfiend getting out of their car. By fate we had chose to come & go at the same buffet, which was nice to talk for a few minutes outside. After that time was winding down & I got dropped off early at my homegroup meeting to unlock the doors & set up/make coffee to help my sponsor get ready, he was chairing the meeting on fridays this month. He started up the meeting & things certainly got interesting.

One of the gentlemen attending opened up to share about his recent relapsing & he was obviously very drunk at the meeting too. Most outsiders would think this a tragedy & a threat to the recovering alcoholics around him, but it's truly the farthest thing. We all get reminded at times like these of how we were, how it was, and can see how far we've come now. After many interjections & a fair share of speakers trying to help this man with suggestions & stories I had my turn. The man had spoken about 'Outpatient Care Facilities' and also about 'Intensive Outpatient Programs' or IOP as many of us call it. In his relapsed state he must have been directed there by someone or some place, he wanted to hear other's experience & opinions on the place. I don't know how much sank in or didn't from what everyone shared but I gave him my take on it. My personal experience takes me through 5 years of Outpatient treatment. In those five years I got to share alot about myself, much of my real problems & life was hidden behind lies which mostly were to myself & not so much my counselor. In those five years we together confirmed that I have had a problem, focused on things to do with life besides drink or drug, and speculated a million posibilites as to how & why I was in fact alcoholic. The one thing we could not pin point in all those years or accomplish was how to get me to stop using drugs & alcohol. If I stopped at all it could be for a day, or three, long enough to pass a drug screen at probation or for a job. A lasting plug in the jug or seal on the bag could not be achieved for me.

During the 5th year of this treatment & with failing attempts to accomplish sobriety, it was finally suggested after another run in with police & the courts that I try an InPatient Rehab. OutPatient was sending me InPatient. I can only remember thinking, "I don't want to be locked away, I won't have anyone I love nearby or anything to help me if I lose it". How true that was, but I got some help the first few days in the form of detox medicine. The transition started smooth & the activities were plentiful, unlike the OutPatient where my actions & involvement in things were my choice still, this was all force fed fuzzy & warm environment. Ocasionally in the first week & a half something would stir up in the place, but never the real & harsh things that existed when I was left to my own devices in OutPatient. After that first week though I started to feel sick again, the detox meds were no longer available & they wanted me to tough it out. It was only time before I found a solution for this temporary problem, I ended up with a roommate who smuggled in not only detox meds but also some of my favorite drugs, opiates. I fought temptation for a few days then I broke, one night in a chilling fever & without sleep again I got out of the hot shower & told him to finally give me something that will help. Afterall he was sitting there 'unsick' and it seemed a walk in the park, little did I know that regaurdless he would one day like me have to face the sickness that was inevitable. It's either that or die at some point. So I screwed up, all in the name of stopping the craziness in my mind & body that was the addiction that had grown, it never does go away we just learn to live with it & grow spiritually to compensate for its cancerous growth within our minds & cells. A few days later the InPatient facility had failed me, I was out of funding through the county due to the state budget problems & had to go home in two days. I couldn't do it, I had to be out of there now because in two days I would be sicker than ever & have no solution. I walked off the mountain, stealing my credit card in the meantime & stashing a few packs of cigarettes in my pants. I took a cab to the city closest to me & called my dealer, luckily he was still in business & not yet in jail. That's where we all end up if we don't die, don't believe me? Give it time.

InPatient, OutPatient, everything under the sun & nothing worked to help me stay sober. I returned to my OutPatient counselor for help, at that point I was broken & had no other options. No hospital would take me to detox for 30 days & I was going to die any day at the rate I was pumping my veins with dope. I found a doctor to detox me by the miracle of my Higher Power answering my pathetic & helpless prayers. I meant business this time & I would do whatever it took. The InPatient facility couldn't take me back & I was finally herded to the one & final, the real deal Solution to alcoholism & addiction. The 12 Steps. I went to those meetings that I once before sat in high as a kite & not caring, it was all or nothing. They promised that if I just did what they suggested that things would get better, One Day At A Time. I continued to see my OutPatient counselor, going to meetings everyday & serving my time on probation. That all began a year & a half ago, ending a few months ago. I am a free man today, but at a price. One that I can pay, and I pay it again each day. Not everyone can get sober by the 12 Steps alone, I certainly did not. OutPatient, InPatient, OutPatient, then the 12 Steps in my life. All were necessary as part of my journey & learning experience in Sobriety. Today it is Spiritual Growth & Maintenence that keeps me a free man, I have a daily relief from my disease contingent on my ability to follow the suggestions of a great program. One that relies entirely upon having a Higher Power & working with others like me. The solution works and thusfar it lasts. From not making it through a day of OutPatient, to failing to complete 28 Days of InPatient, the 12 Steps have helped me acrue over a year sober today. It's not the time counting away that matters though, its being of clear mind & spirit & improving myself daily that counts. All so I can be better for the world around me, to help another, and to carry this message to others. What works? IT WORKS, If YOU Work It. Thanks. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Psychic Change - Gratitude & Spirtiual Awakening

September 16. Hello world, big & small I am grateful for you all. I had a typical day, up most of the night & trying to catch up on rest so I don't go into meltdown. I did however enjoy a good dinner w/ mom & dad, then got ready to head to my usual Thursday night meeting. I needed to get there for sure, with alot of recent things going on in life I have felt heavy & powerless, right where my disease of alcoholism wants me to be. I got to Aurora group with a few minutes to spare & told mom & dad I loved them on their departure. Plenty of sober friends were there filling the room & it was nice to see a good group gathered, which hasn't been the case for the past few weeks. A man had just returned for his first day back from relapse & after the opening readings we had a speaker deliver a brief but good story of his before & after concerning the 12 Steps in his life. He chose the topic of gratitude & those attending each took a turn to share about it. I was second to last, having gotten to hear alot of other's talks about what they are grateful for as of late in their lives. It was nice to have the opportunity to think for the 45 minutes of other speakers, because I got a chance to really think about what I have to be grateful for today. Before I talk about my specifics on this topic, I just want to talk a little bit more about gratitude. I have found that keeping fresh in your mind as many things as possible that we are grateful for is a valuable tool against the first drink. It's because we are aware of what we have to lose today if we engage that first drink, that may take us to our grave if not a long road of drinks & spiritual bankruptcy to come. I am thankful for gratitude today, to understand what it is & to feel it like a warm glowing sun shining down on my life.

When it got to be my turn to speak on gratitude I spoke what came to heart. "I am grateful for all the things I wasn't before, all the things I drank over that I see differently today". That bold statement was exactly how I felt & I followed it up with an explination. I once felt that my Higher Power had taken people from me selfishly, that it was all in punishment & torment that I had to live without them. Everyone from my cousin & grandfather to one of my first true loves & best of friends. These losses were conceived by my alcoholic mind as unfair & unjust acts of God towards my life. Because of this, the loving & providing God I was raised to believe in had become an unpredictable & punishing force in my life. In later years, having suffered in my alcoholism/addiction for over a decade, I blamed that same Higher Power for cursing me with the illness, thought I didn't think of it as being sick I thought of it as being "me". Higher Power aside on this topic, I blamed my father for many lacking moments in my life. I thought of good times & only saw my mother there as the source of such joy, not realizing that my father was in the background working & slaving to make such joy possible. I didn't fathom the works he did having provided everything from the food & clothes that I had as necessity to the video games & computer in my bedroom. The fee's for baseball, basketball, for the trips I took in school & the times I wanted more. I blamed him equally for giving his time to another young man, a foster brother whom I had never known before in my life. I didn't realize that he was only trying to share the love he had with someone else who might need it, my disease had already warped my mind by then and made me think "what about me & the love & attention I need". All of this was this way for so long, I numbed it down to survive family events & holidays to religious ceremonies & apprearances around others. The moments I was sober were far less than the moments I was numbed by substances.

When I had hit my bottom, when all reality as I knew it had to change or I would die an addicts death, I finally through some miracle had that Psychic Change, the Spiritual Awakening that must take place for someone to recover from this hopeless state of mind, body & spirit. I don't know if it was my Higher Power's way of releasing me from my own prison, or if I truly had suffered so much that the solution just came in a flash, but I suddenly started to see things differently & to think more clearly about what really took place. The same harsh & punishing God that I resented for so long was blessing me with clarity & awareness found through desperation & suffering. No longer were those who have come & gone stolen in the night, they finally were spared the difficulties of life & enjoying peaceful rest. I was no more to suffer as an addict, but to find a way to grow as a spiritual being & honor my creator. My family who I had though outcasted & ignored me rallied to my side to support me & warm my cold heart & body. How? I am convinced that the change first happened within me, somehow through an act of my higher power because just a day before I could not see this new found perspective. But the change in me must have affected the world around me, suddenly there was a force moving in the direction of recovery with ME instead of moving against ME in my prior existance. With all of this change, so sudden & so emotional, I developed a gratitude for the same things I once drank & used drugs over. That gratitude is lasting into my sobriety & my spiritual life, perhaps it has become a solid part of me. I am slowly learning how to show it & live the gratitude I feel in my heart, I may never master it but I can always try to improve my abilities to show it. A lot of suffering, some once thought to be prayers fallen on deaf ears, and a willingness to change resulted in a miracle, a Spiritual Awakening & Psychic Change in my life that has made gratitude finally possible. Along with the 12 Steps & faith in my Higher Power today, gratitude & acceptance are two key elements in finding recovery in my life One Day At A Time. Funny how things stay the same, but yet in our minds they can change. Whats happened & is done is all history, but how I percieve it is not it is forever changing & growing. As I align myself spiritually & continue to grow I hope my awareness to the great pillars in my life emerges, showing me more still to be grateful for. When feeling gratitude there is so many ways to show it, but the simplest & sometimes the hardest way of all is to say it. So with that.. Thank You. You All Know Who You Are! Good Night... Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Humility - Gain Through Consequences

September 15. Hello world, big & small. My adventures have taken me many foul & great places alike, many times there were memories. Some have been forgotten & some come along as things jog my brain a bit. Along with memories came some consequences, for those times I lacked spiritual actions & thoughts. Most of those consequences I have served the punishments for, from what I have experienced the thing that has lasted is change. Changing my behaviors, attitudes, and even my thoughts to become the person I am today, working towards lasting Sobriety & growing Spirituality. One of the consequences of my terrible living was delayed, through the mercy & wisdom of the judge who sentenced me well over one year ago. The department of transportation in my state requires that anyone caught with a controlled substance must undergo a 6 month suspension of their driving privledges. The judge & representative of the state were both compassionate & helpful in hearing my pleas back then. I had asked to keep my license so that I could establish myself in the sober community, to make a life & build a support group which I could rely on to help me get by without transportation. They heard my calling & granted me an additional year of driving to do so. That year is over & today I had to hand in my license for the required 6 months. Oh how humbling life can be. In the time I was granted immunity from that suspension I have joined many groups in the sober community, doing service work for many of them as I was suggested I should do by my fellow sober members. I started a business in jewelry sales that require me to venture further than my own back yard & need me to transport the merchandise to & from for security reasons. All this & more is now at the mercy of others, much of my life is now conditional to the assistance of others.

This is as humbling as it gets, perhaps the moments when I could not stand myself & could not bear the sickness brought on by my intoxicating actions was worse, I may never know. I have had to go from begging for help, to standing a little more on my own two feet, back to begging for help again. I am grateful for my loving family who helps me along this journey, if not for them my begging would be much more evident than it is. In my old alcoholic ways I would be thinking about this in a different way, saying "How can they do this to me? After all I've done to straighten out they still screw me over like this?". But that is what my alcoholism wants me to do, think negatively on this scenario & drink or drug over it. I will not give it that satisfaction, I must instead take this valueable lesson & grow with its passing through my life. I have relied on many to help me through the past year & few months of my sobriety, never so heavy as I do now that today has come. I have already burdened my mother during difficult times in her own life to take me to secure legal ID & paperwork in the absence of my license. She has her own battles to fight with my grandmother being ill in the hospital. I just need to show my appreciation in as many ways as I can learn how, because my family's love & assistance is as pertinent as the guidance of others in my spiritual self improvements. My father has worked his entire life to support all of his children & his wife, as well as others whom he has had the joy of loving along the way, and he continues to help me long after a normal son would have taken ahold of his own.

Consequences can teach us humility, that is for sure, but we need to be of the spiritual mind to see this. If I were still in my active addicion, none of the mercy, love, or assistance I have been shown by others would come through as humility. It would instead be felt as though it were entitled, I know because I have lived both sides of this scenario. Sitting in a jail cell, behind lock & key the night that the event that caused this suspension to occur, I had no mind for the humility of the consequences to come. I only could imagine how I would deal with the sickness & the hole in my soul that would come on in the morning if I did not get out. This is how bad it can get, this is what addiction is all about, filling that hole because we are incomplete & spiritually ignorant while we suffer through life. To those that would say we chose this for ourselves, we did not. Just as I did not choose to be humbled today, nor the ability to see it for what it is. The bad that was our lives back then is just as necessary as our growth & vision for spiritual things today. We would not have lived without it, many of us would have found a way to stop living if we did not have those drugs or drinks to fill our lives up, we were empty & lacking what it took to survive any other way. It is the pain, the loss, and the CONSEQUENCES that work us over in our lifetime, the end result is HUMILITY in our lives that causes us to seek out a solution that lasts. Today for me that solution is the 12 Steps & all the fellowships that adopt them contain. Of course there had to be a director behind me finding all of this today, behind the humility, the judges, the 12 Steps & the people whom have carried the message to my ears & helped me practice them in my life.. that director is my Higher Power. Another miracle in my life, one that is also a lesson, a simple consequence resulting in humility & spiritual growth. Thank you all involved, it will all be over in good time... One Day At A Time. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Update

September 14. I will be posting to the blog sometime tomorrow during the day, as in Tuesday. I have a great topic but am a little too much in my head to explore some positives right now & some sleep will do me much good. Thanks all who support me, sobriety & spirituality, and all that share here. You are a vital part of my personal development & give me hope daily.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Left Alone - Reaching To A Higher Power

September 11. Hello everyone, I hope your day was much better than mine. It started off with potential but some horrible turn of events & my alcoholic mind turning made it's potential an impossible. The good part was a fair day at the market, however long it seemed to drag on it stayed busy throughout. At the close of the day I called my parents to check in & headed off to keep busy while waiting for news on my grandmother Nanny. She was to undergo a surgery to remove her gaul bladder because testing results had deemed it necessary to do so. There was an emergency surgery ahead of her so her time to go under was pushed back. I went to play cards & be close to the valley while I waited for an update. The update I got was not the one I wanted, she had made it through the surgery okay but during the process the doctors discovered cancer from her stomache to her liver. They were & are still to this point unsure of the stage of cancer it is or how long my Nanny will have/how well she will recover at the moment. To make it worse they had said she would do better with rest than visitors, at first that bothered me but then I needed to remember she needs to get well, I don't need my selfish wishes to see her to conflict with that. After getting that final verdict I started home, it was a long drive & I forgot to turn on the radio to try & distract myself. I made a phone call to my sponsor & got his voicemail, a few other calls to other friends as well & I left messages to each of them. I guess that there was one resource left for me to use at this point & when I got in my driveway I walked out into my yard, beneath the night sky.

I find it only fitting that it be September 11th, a day where everyone was looking to the skies for an answer in the history past. I too found myself doing that, only tonight instead. I called out to my higher power, in prayer & conversation. No sooner had I mustered the wishes of asking for strength & for my grandmother to endure this test to the level it see's fit.. a shooting star the likes & size that I have never before seen shot across the sky, breaking up before reaching the horizon in an orange & large streak. Another fitting coincidence is that my grandmother is a large woman, one of the largest, so that this shooting star be the largest I've ever seen.. NO.. it was no coincidence there is no such thing. My higher power intended me to be beneath that sky & to witness what I did at those moments I spoke those words. I am grateful for my higher power acknowledging me during this time of helplessness, tears of gratitude filled my eyes but I choked them back as I realized I was not sharing this miracle with anyone else. There are so many that are hurting right now, probably most of all my Nanny, her love is larger than she & has never let one of us down. She is the glue & the staple to our family & families beyond her own. I wonder of all the women in the world why her, but then again she has been blessed with 8 decades of eventful & laughter filled life.

This is not the first time I have had a sign like this during times of prayer, but it certainly means the most to me right now as this issue is pending & time is ticking. I have an ammendment to make to my grandmother, one that I will share in the open with you all because should she go back to her home I plan to visit her with an explination & an appology. During my active addiction I stole a necklace from her, using it to pay for drugs & the entire time I drove to sell it I could think nothing but her kind heart & how I could ever make it up to her. Maybe I can't, but if there is any way I can it must definitely be to support her through this & remain a positive part of our families life. To help protect the helpless as she has all her life & to grow in spirit as she has grown in size during the years. If ever I could equal her huge heart with my own I would be an accomplished man, she has gone without & feasted in plenty with those she loves & even perfect strangers. If there were a way to nominate her a saint, I would be filing the paperwork now. As a child she gave me my will to worship a higher power, something I had forgotten & had to relearn as I understand my higher power differently today. Without that higher power tonight I may not have had the strength to deal with this, nor to have the heart to hurt over it. It is by the mercy & miracle of my last resort & first relief, my higher power, that I can say I will continue on my path as my grandmother would have me. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

The Newcomer - Keeping It Green

September 11. Hello friends & family. Hope that everyone had a fantastic friday. It's officially saturday here & the date commemerates the horrible events of the attack on 9/11. I can remember being at work in an office when it all went down, ranting on about how the first plane was not an accident that it was an attack/act of war. People thought I was crazy, and I was back then, at least until the second plane hit. It was a definite tragedy in so many lives & a huge blow to the American morale. It was the middle of crazy times in my life & the beginning of crazy times for the entire country. A tragedy so bad would have had many wishing they were home safe with their families, not knowing what would come next, I can instead remember wanting to leave work & go get high. I was hooked badly into an all night party scene that was taking place daily at my apartment & was beggining to mix alcohol & other drugs which I was primarily taking up my nose at the time. While the world sat in awe & terror, I was planning my next high from my desk. Unaware of how much people around me in the world could use my support, I was off again on a selfish binge of the alcoholic nature. Folks, this is the effects that alcohol & drugs can have on our lives. A real bonified tragedy during a world-wide tragedy. When you stop caring about things around you, when your own father works for the government & could be a potential next target during an attack, and your mind is stuck on your own selfish needs & desires, you are almost stopped in time & stopped living. Looking back I can recall how I felt back then, I used to sing the lyrics of a song to myself over and over because I related to it so much, it was my life. "All tied up & dried up forever, all F&#ked up & dead to the world". Hard to forget those lyrics, but a great reminder today of how low I can go & how bad it can be. That is why today I not only try for personal Spiritual Growth, but I advocate it in others. Part of achieving this is like remembering the lyrics to that song, in other words having things in my life, program, and the world around me that keep it "green" or fresh in my mind.

Keeping it green is exactly what occured on friday night. I went to my usual friday night meeting expecting a normal discussion & actually wanting to talk about my grandmother in the hospital & some things bothering me about her falling ill. There was & is alot on my mind pertaining to her & my absence from her life as well as a few mistakes on my part that I have yet been able to make ammends for. But that all came to a hault, the poor me persona I was taking on was smashed to pieces when a newcomer spoke up at the beginning of the meeting. Immediately the focus in my mind was off myself & onto the newly arrived alcoholic. That is a strange magic that happens, helping us to remember what matters most when we are tilting in our thinking. I was reminded about how hard it was to get sober, about the mistakes I had made because of drugs & alcohol, the flashing lights of cops & ambulances, and the stranglehold I could not break free from. All the consequences to face, the cluelessness in not knowing how to stop or if the suggested help would work. I was back at day one with the newcomer beside me & I started to feel better. If not knowing how your future would end up is the worst it could get, then life was not so bad. That is what the program gives me today, a definite picture of today. That picture is of me sober & spiritual, helping others & working to do the right thing.

Spreading the message of hope & the potential of progress was not my intention going into the meeting, but it's exactly what happened. That is why the newcomer is so vital to the program, for those of us who have become trapped in a scenario in our lives or stagnent due to the lack of immediate change. We get a free reminder of what was & could again be if we go back out, but without having to slip up & experience the horror of rehab or detoxing at home. Many of us alcoholics & addicts are sure that we have another run left in us with drugs or alcohol, one that may or may not kill us but most likely will. The thing we are unsure of is if we have another recovery left in us. If in fact we can walk back through those doors & ask for help again, and if we will even want to at all once it has ahold of us. Today I am grateful for the newcomer, to remind me of why it is more important than ever to stay on the sober & spiritual path. No matter how troubling or straining the situaiton in my life, even if I am going through it alone, I truly am not alone at all & no drug or drink will make it better. Getting bombed tonight would have releived not one problem for my grandmother in the hospital, it would have not helped my self esteem towards the way I have neglected & cheated her in the past decade. It would have solved nothing & I think I am finally learning that, once and for all, that the solution lies in my ability to grow past things as a human being.. not to numb them down or delay their inevitable falling onto my shoulders. Keeping it green, you bet. Thanks newcomer. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Friday, September 10, 2010

Completely Sold - Working A Program

September 10. Hello everybody, its ticking on into Friday morning & I felt like writing while I sit home & awake. I'm not sure if I'll ever get this sleep thing right, if I run myself lean I still don't sleep & if I sleep all day sometimes I can pass back out immediately. I guess balance will come slowly like it does with everything else & if not then my Higher Power will find another way to take care of me. Thursday wasn't a bad day, I spent the afternoon with my Dad. He took me to my doctor's appointment & waited while I was in there for a little over an hour. It's nice to know he's involved with my health & recovery as far as support goes. After the visit there we took the long ride back home & even missed an exit, enjoying the scenic route & talking some. My mother was off attending to my Grandmother, she has not been well & things were looking bad so she had to be admitted into the hospital. Fortunately its not anything immediately threatening but they are testing and keeping her in there for a potential surgery. She is the last of my living grandparents & one that has been sweet to me throughout my life. Thinking back I can remember wronging her one time, she has yet to wrong me. So if there is nothing I can do now, I can at least pray avidly that she come out of this fine & return home safe & sound. I went to my usual Thursday meeting & saw a few friends there. The guest speaker had a great story & the topic was about "working the program". Some people play the program & never really get involved, some let it work them, then others who really want to make it give in & work the program.. with the help of others of course.

When it comes to working the program, there is no half-assed way of going about it. You can do things in half measure from the sideline & thats exactly where you'll stay, on the sideline & on the edge of losing sobriety & your spirituality if not more as well. I have seen & experienced many feelings myself about this, from not wanting to be involved enough to wanting to be absorbed in the program's potential in my life. This being the main topic I want to talk about tonight, I will speak more about it in a minute. First I want to mention something that many of us do as human beings & do not recognize or correct as spiritual biengs. We SELL OUT. When we do this, most times it is not to something positive in our lives or for the world around us for that matter. It's usually selfish, centered, and over time shows to be not any good for us at all. Some people sell out to a boyfriend or girlfriend, forgetting all about their friends, family, or the people that were there for them on those lonely days & nights. There are those who sell out to money, greed & the like, always wanting more & more material & monetary growth in their life. They lack the relationships, spirituality, and beliefs in a Higher Power of humble & moral rewards. I have probably sold out to many things, many not even mentioned here, but the one thing I sold out to that was worst in my life was Drugs & Alcohol. I don't know if I chose them or they chose me, but at some point there was no longer a choice. I had lost that ability to choose back any of my friends, family, or any of the other things or people I loved in my life. Selling out can be a negative or positive though, however rare the positive may be. A true miracle occured in my life & I got sober through the help of many & my Higher Power. The 12 Steps are helping to ensure I can remain sober & spiritual for the long haul. But I have had to sell out one more time, only this time to the program. That is how I "work my program" today. Completely Sold!

I have to not only hope, but also believe. I have to learn as well as teach. Advocate while developing within. I cannot ask for my time back nor can I wish there was another way. I must know & show that this is the one & only, the final solution, for all of my problems in life including Drugs & Alcohol. I am an alcoholic & drug addict, sober a little over one year, only because I have become COMPLETELY SOLD that the 12 Steps & a spiritual sober life was a lasting relief from the life I was trapped in before. So when someone that has seen "it work" suggests something to me, something that they are completely sold on having worked in their own sobriety, I won't hesitate to at least try it in my life. If they are as convinced as me that life is thousands folds better in sobriety than in active addiction, then they are trustworthy. Aside from that, the 12 Steps has refferences, as in the book that the fellowship uses to teach them. I own that refference, and others with the 12 Steps & Traditions in it, I can use those to find what someone is suggesting & see how it has worked for someone inside those books. They are all real stories, as real as mine. So if it's real, then I am Sold.. Completely Sold. Because having found no other way to do anything but fail & suffer, I would much rather succeed & be relatively happy every day of my life because I worked a simple program that requires me to believe. Sell Out? You betcha, but this time I haven't forgotten anybody.. not anyone that was worthwhile in my Higher Power's eyes anyway. Thanks for blogging in. Good Morning.. GOod Night.. <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Family - Before & After

September 07. What a wonderful world it is. There was a time when I couldn't see how lucky we all are to be alive. Tuesday was just as good as any other day, even though I accomplished very little. I gave in to the urge to do nothing today & slept most of it away. My parents had to take an all day trip to NY for the wake of my Great Aunt so I was home alone. I had nothing major in the agenda & no activities until the evening so I set the alarm & drifted in & out as the day passed on. Sometimes I run so lean with little sleep that other times like this it's nice to just pass a day along in rest. My parents got back just before the time I would have gotten myself up, so I got motivated a few minutes early. A quick cleanup & out the door I went to Tuesday's outdoor meeting. It's nice to be outside in the fresh air & among other people in recovery, I try not to ever miss Tuesday nights in the summer time. I got to see quite a many friend there, alot of them key people in my many baby steps of recovery. The topic came out & I was second to share, the focus of the group tonight was right up my alley & applied directly to everything I had experienced & put others through. The topic was "Family - Before & After Our Addiction/Alcoholism".

I don't need to go out on a limb to say that my family for quite some time was clueless to my disease. Perhaps what little they did know was mistaken for youthly mishaps & experimentation, but before too long it had become 14 years of hell for me & everything short of long term institutionalization had been suffered at not only my expense but my family's as well. It had become clear that the fun loving boy we all knew, as I once did know myself before the onset of addiction, had lost his spark & left behind a shell of a boy in a man's body. I have always had two loving sisters, despite fights as kids & some purposeful torment that siblings go through, both had sheltered, nourished, and been there for me like a second mother in ways. Looking back at what has happened, had they known completely what was going on in my life, they may not have been able to let me in their homes or their hearts. I am grateful they never completely abandoned me. My parents went through my youth as supportive & loving as they could be. I cannot even say that I had a bad youth, I lived with many luxuries & the attention that so many kids who turn out fine did not have. I remember there coming a point when I no longer wanted my parents attention or help, I just wanted to be left alone to dabble in my self destruction. The more they tried to be involved & love me, the further I had to get away from them to disclose my growing disease. There was never a time from age 12 where I had control, when there was it could last for a few hours or a few small days but then I had to hand all control back over to the monster within.

I could never blame my family for my disease, it is what it is & I surely have a strong case of alcoholism, I can tortue myself with speculation that if things were different growing up would I ever have tried this drug or that drink but what is the point of that. What is most important is the family I have today. They are nothing less than twice the support I had as a child, and maybe they need to be for all of our sakes. I know that with every ounce of myself that I put into recovery & building a new life, they have if not matched it, then put twice themselves into it if not more. One specific member of my family I would like to speak on is my niece. When living with my sister on & off for a decade, my niece went from newly born to growing up into a young woman. Never had I thought she was in tune with the self created tragedies of my life, but she was. There wasn't a time that she didn't suspect I was struggling in life, she knew I was "sick" but may or may not have known more. I don't ask her because I know today she knows that I am a recovering alcoholic & addict, and I can remain an example of what not to do & what to do if she finds herself in my position. I can only stay sober now so that the spiritual part of me that grows will never have to miss another day of her youth that is left. For so much of my 14 years in active addiction things were a blur, times & dates, events & memories are hard to remember & I can only gather pieces to date. Today is crystal clear however, and I want it to stay that way. My parents & I actually do more than get along, we live together happily & we spend time together when I can remember not to be selfish. My sisters can approach me for the first time in their lives & not worry if I am going to flee to hide in solitude somewhere or stay awake all night wondering if I will be found dead of an overdose. I never thought I hurt anyone until I got sober, when it finally hit me it was like a train hitting a wall... pieces flew everywhere & I am still trying to put them together. The time will come that I am able to return the love that was always there, I try to do that now & will be more able as time passes, until then I can do what is necessary for my sobriety & to grow as a spiritual son & brother to them. As far as being an Uncle, I've had my times where I got to be a very good one & there are more times to come. Looking forward to the Family of today, and walking away from the black sheep I was yesterday. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Monday, September 6, 2010

Ammends - Between Now & Then

September 06. Hello everyone, glad to be alive & sober another day. Also glad to be able to write to you all here, this project has been both relieving & fulfilling at the same time. Today I enjoyed a beautiful Holdiay weekend with family & a few friends of the family. We had a cookout, so I got a great meal w/ an awesome dessert & got to see the kids play around for hours having fun. I can ask for nothing more than enjoyment for everybody on days like this & my wishes were answered gracefully by my Higher Power today. I got to show off some of the new merchandise for the jewelry business to the people who came over & there was a lot of 'ooh's & ahh's' over some of the pieces. That helped build my confidence that I picked up some good things for the market month ahead, which would be good because things have slowed down to a trickle for reasons I can only speculate at this point. Some people had left by the time I was ready to head out myself, MARS Group was set to meet tonight at 7 & I didn't want to be late. I got down there & nobody was gathered for the meeting, I figured I must have missed some sort of announcement for it's cancellation so I headed out of there & onto my way to get to the Moscow Group early so I could help set up & be of use to the group. Things happen for a reason, I am a firm believer in that, and for some reason a person decided to pass me at just the right time that I could not avoid a pot hole in the road, it was deep enough to knock off my hub cap & flatten my tire. With a trunk full of jewelry, I did not have my spare & had to call mom & dad for a rescue mission. Thankfully they got there in good time & I made the meeting for its regular starting time, after changing the tire of course. I needed to make it to that meeting because the topic for the night was waiting for me, something I needed to hear & share about here.

In our active addictions/alcoholism or for normal people before our beginning to live through the application of Spiritual Principles in our lives, we caused much havok & damage to others around us. Some of this we do not become aware of until we are on a sober & spiritual path for some time, other things we are immediately aware of, and further still some things we feel we were equally wronged & don't realize that the only thing that matters is OUR PART & what we can do to right OUR SIDE of things. All of these things I mention relate to the spiritual housecleaning that we do through making our Ammendments in the 9th Step. If your like me, then your not on this step yet. If you've already gotten that far in your spiritual works then what I have to share tonight still applies. We cannot rush ahead to fix what we've done wrong, when we are ready & able it will in fact happen if we believe in our Higher Power & fully work our program of recovery or spiritual growth. I for example cannot just replace some of the priceless things or the time I have stolen away from my family, specifically my mother. Even if I had the mass amounts of money it costs to replace those things I could not find the exact items I had sickly & selfishly taken to feed my craving addiction back then. I can be intimately sorry, out of turn I even verbalized how sorry I was for all of the infractions on her love, why I chose the person closest to me in this world to commit these heists I may never know, but the right time will come to make the ammendments to the right people. I won't be afraid, I won't have to figure out how to make something up to them, and I certainly will never have to hurt someone to make an ammendment because if that was necessary the ammendment is not to be made.

What I finally am getting to through sharing all this is what matters the most in regaurds to the damage we have done before our spiritual steps have begun. That is, "We do not have to behave as we once did, having made ammendments or having yet to make any means nothing right now, what matters most is that We Cause No Further Damage Intentionally to ourselves or another". If we can just keep ahold of that simple concept, we will in time be able to discover & offer repairing ammends to each of our damaging miskates in our lives. How we go about avoiding more damage is done through the steps & through following Spiritual Principles. Being an obediant believer in a Higher Power of moral standing is a great beginning besides staying sober & away from things that rob us of our true personality & desires. The next gesture would be to work our 4th Step, which helps us discover our fears, character defects, and areas we are constantly short in. Through discovery of our areas of defect we can later work on those areas & also pray for their removal in our lives. Over time many have seen alot of these defects dissapear from their lives, so if there is hope for them then there is hope for You Or I. If we keep true to ourselves & to others as our higher power would have us be, then we stand a great chance at not creating any more scenarios that we will later have to make ammends for. This ultimately is what we must learn to do, to love ourselves better & have others love us as well. As a result of it all our lives get better, we become more spiritual, and we stand the greatest chance of never having to drink, drug, or be the person we had to be in our past. Be it out of necessity, survival, hunger or selfishness we all have hurt someone else along the way. The time will come to write those wrongs, and now is the time to make no more. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Friday, September 3, 2010

Life's Short - Duty & Responsibility

September 03. Hey everybody, its almost the end of Friday & going to be the start of another long weekend in my world. I love my jewelry business more than any other job or career I have tried & I am always motivated or calling someone for some spark on a slow day. Things have definitely been slow this past weekend & at the midweek market, but I am hoping to fight back & defy the trend of the past few days open for business. My friday wasn't terrible, in fact it was pretty good. I started the morning off with some time spent with my cousin, getting back home in the mid-day & getting to spend some daylight with my parents since my dad has been home doing projects around the house. I went out to pick up pizzas for us all & to gas up my car for the long weekend then we stayed in & had dinner in for a change. I caught a little powernap after feeding my face & before too long it was time to leave for my meeting. I picked a guy up who needed a ride also, which always helps me in turn by giving me not only a reason to go but a feeling of helpfulness & purpose helping another. It's one of the many ways I have done service in the past when I knew little or nothing more to do. The meeting was good & was primarily about the 8th Tradition, which is basically one of the "glue & screws" that holds the 12 Step fellowship together. It's about remaining unorganzied other than organizing service boards to better help others in need. After the meeting I helped clean up & took the guy I brought back home. On the way my mom text me with some disturbing news that got me thinking.

While I was gone out my mother got a message saying that my Great Aunt Lil, my father's aunt, had passed away today. When I got the message it took me a few minutes to absorb. I had thought about the fact that my father expected this to happen soon & took the opportunity to go see her with my mom earlier this spring. Her passing today reminded me of some very valid points that I would like to write about tonight. The first is that Life is Far Too Short for any of us to take another's presence on this earth for granted. By the passing of time, tragedy, illness, or the will of our Higher Power.. they can be gone in the blink of an eye. What was there yesterday may not be there tomorrow. The second thought was that we must certainly live for Today, One Day At A Time. For the exact previous reason too, we may not have something or someone tomorrow that we have today. These thoughts don't float through our minds as human beings, it is only when we are faced with the loss or absence of something that we revert to our spirituality & realize that we are here conditionally, on loan almost & if we do not cherish what is here now we may regret it later. When the term of that loan is up, anything can dissapear from our lives.. which brings me to my third thought to share. We do not know how long we have until we dissapear from the human world. There are so many that may end up missing us, we have a responsibility with our lives that without spirituality we cannot fulfill.

That responsibility I am talking about is to the world around us & all that matters to us within it. Most importantly is to seek out & to serve our Higher Power, whatever it may be, we should fulfill it's wishes & live our lives as it would have us to the best of our abilities. Selling out or living below the level we could actually perform is something we will face when our selfish human life is discarded. But it goes deeper than that. Are we so selfish that we won't get out of ourselves & realize that after we are gone others may miss us? They may regret not having those moments with us they always wanted. So what is our responsibility, to stay busy or too distracted that when its all over we cause remorse, regret, or grief to others? When they were standing by wishing us in their lives? Our responsibility as both human & spiritual beings is to take that initiative & offer as much of ourselves to those we care about around us. Do we call our family often enough? Our friends? Do we tell people that we love, that we love them or just take them for granted another day. If you believe that life ends with the flesh, than you cannot possibly think that alcoholism & spiritual disease can be cured through belief in a Higher Power & spiritual cleansing through the 12 Steps. That would mean my thoughts could not appeal to you. But if you do believe, then take the time to think too. Think about every little thing that you ever enjoyed that is still intact on this planet & find a way to live it, love it, or experience it one more time. Because life is too short & we are not powerful, we are just along for the ride & supposed to be doing the best job we can as not humans, but Spiritual Beings with both Duty & Responsibility. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Acceptance - Patience & Tolerance For All

September 2. Hey friends, family & followers. I hope your week is rounding out, mine certainly is & I am very grateful to have started a new month in both life & sobriety. In a few days I have to turn in my license, over a year past the last time I touched a drug or drink, or even done something legally wrong at that. The courts & two specific judges were kind enough to give me the time I needed to get my life back together before inacting the suspension that is mandatory in my home state. It's something I don't look forward to, but in the same sense feel will help strengthen me & help me practice tolerance, patience, & acceptance in my life. Today was a day like many others & thats just fine by me, no longer do I crave the thrill of destruction in my life from drugs & alcohol. In the early afternoon I enjoyed a visit from my sisters for a few minutes & put a rack system for my jewelry storage together with my mom. A little later I had to help my dad get his tractor unstuck & then met up with my cousin to spend some much needed time together, earlier in the week we had some tensions between us that could have been avoided had either of us known how the other was thinking or feeling. After all that I got myself to a much needed meeting that just happened to have my Sponsor as the guest speaker. After hearing his great story of recovery & life success he picked a topic that at one time was a huge problem in my sober life, and still can make things difficult from time to time. His choice of topic after his story was acceptance & the group went around the room to share about how it fits into their individual lives & program today. It was such a good topic & I haven't spoken about it in a while, so I thought I would make it the topic for tonight.

Acceptance is the solution to all my problems in life today. That statement is bold, but very true & very difficult to practice it on a consistant basis. All other tools in recovery aside, all spiritual aides removed, Acceptance is the one thing that a person can adopt that will help them grow, heal, & recover from any problem in life. It doesn't just level our thinking, it puts our thinking miles ahead of our problems. How? I can't say how it works for others, but I can talk about how it works for me. Some time ago I was told that my biggest problem at that time was with Acceptance. I wracked my brain trying to figure out how the hell it was a problem, because the traditional association in the 12 Step world with acceptance is this: The Person does not accept that they are alcoholic or addicted and that they continue to think they can successfully do things their way or as they always did with different results. It is pure insanity for those who do not see it, but I did see it & I was sure that I was both alcoholic & addicted. I couldn't see how I had a problem with Acceptance, I was sober & I was sure I could never drink or drug again at all possible costs. So what was my support group pointing out when they said I had a problem with this "Acceptance". It took some deep searching, asking of others, and realizing how little I really did accept around & in my life at that time. I was totally out of tune with acceptance & I will share some of how to shed some light on this topic.

I was in fact very accepting of being alcoholic & the fact I could NEVER drink or drug again without losing control of my life again. That wasn't the problem. I was unaccepting of everything else around me. I wanted to change the way my parents thought, rather than accept them for who they were & work on myself to be able to live with them. I wanted to change my friends & how they did things in their lives, rather than work on my own abilities to either live & let live in their lives or to stay away for my own well being. I couldn't accept a bad day at my business & just take it for what it was, I had to question my products, my approach, and the level of success in my location. The possibility of a slow day just being a slow day was oblivious to me & I couldn't seem to remember all the successful days in the past that got me that far. So many areas of my life were getting slammed by my lack of ability to be patient, tolerant, and accept things I could not change for what they were. I needed to learn to accept these countless things & the many more that will come for what they were, and if anything was to be changed at all it would be myself because that is the one & only thing I can control if my spiritual condition is good. I can't put into words how the alcoholic or even the spiritually sick mind works, you'd have to experience it to accept it for what it is, but I can say this it is without acceptance unless it is recoivering. Today I get acceptance through the help of my Higher Power & an understanding that all things are as they are meant to be, at that given moment, and will become what they should as according to a plan I will never understand fully. Sometimes that will be a girlfriend that I cannot change, a job that is stressful, a customer that doesn't buy into me or my products, or a part of myself that is what it is & that I cannot immediately remove or change... all of these thins require my acceptance. If I can pray for nothing more for the world around me & myself, I would wish that everyone be able to learn Acceptance, through patience & tolerance of others & ourselves we can learn to accept. Our Higher Power will reveal more to us, and if we accept things we can see so much more that is revealed. My only hopes at permanent recovery are through good Spiritual Condition & maintainence through the practice of acceptance, made easier & stronger in my life through the personal house & spiritual soul cleaning found in the 12 Steps. Thanks for blogging in, for supporting me, and for a topic I so deseperately needed to hear for myself & others. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy