November 29. Hey everybody & happy new week to you all. I had a busy monday but it was all positive stuff so it really was not a bad day, in fact I'd say it was a good day. After the excitement & newness of this weekend, brought on from my shop's grand opening, I had thought that today was going to be a drag due to all the work I have been doing. It was the exact opposite. I didn't make a great deal of money like on the weekend days, but I did make enough to make me feel the day was worthwhile. I met many new people & there was a steady movement of strange faces as people kept coming in to check out this new marketplace. While greeting the people who came by to see my wares, I was also stocking merchandise into display cases. The once large pile of backstock is finally seeming to be managable as I work it a little each day & I am on track to be caught up & moving on to another focus for the business by this weekend's onset. Mom had to visit my grandma, who originally was going in for a procedure but it got delayed until tomorrow. She made her way back to me & even helped me get some work done for a while before we closed up for the night. I left an hour early because on Monday's I have one of my favorite groups, MARS. It was a small group there but they are always the best because we often get the best talks & the most sincere advice/guidance. Afterwards my friend dropped me off at my homegroup to catch the last half of the celebrations going on there. 4 people celebrated a combined total of 96 years of sobriety tonight, that number is staggering & is also a comforting message in itself. To me it is anyways, it says so much, in fact it's enough that I want to write about it.
Celebrations in sobriety are something that have multiple values. What I mean by that is this.. The first year a person celebrates it means so much, a milestone, a heartfelt moment of accomplishment & grace from our higher power. It is encapsulated into a day or night which everyone celebrates the hard work & dedication as well as the miracles that led up to that day. Later years it is often said by people, "This is not a celebration for me, but a celebration for the fellowship itself & the 12 Steps". What is meant by that is at some point we are no longer celebrating for ourselves, to bask in the amount of time we have been sober & hard at work in our spiritual lives, but rather we are celebrating to honor that which made it all possible & to show others who have not yet reached a milestone that the fellowship & the steps do in fact WORK. These values combined make celebrations of sobriety an important thing to us all, new & seasoned alike. We offer eachother these honors & sometimes tokens of accomplishment to keep the message alive as well as raise hope in our hearts. I remember at my 1 year celebration, the outpouring of people who came to support me & celebrate the success of spirituality in my life. Not one person there could deny the miracle at hand, the values of a celebration turning out to be beyond priceless.
To keep it simple, we celebrate because it's the right thing to do. When compared to the celebrations in our past, active addiction that is, there is not the negatives that constantly ruined our lives & these types of events. For once we gather without alcohol or drugs, not to have a bash filled with trouble & chaos, but to just wing it & enjoy the calmness & serenity that comes from sober living. Tonight that 96 years of combined sobriety, among a mere 4 people, was more than I can put in words. To see that there is a solution, beyond the shadow of a doubt, there is LIVING PROOF that it "Works if YOU Work It!". I can only hope to give to others one day the same sense of hope & amazing belief in my higher power's grace, the same way these others have done for me tonight. I only was able to capture a fraction of the moment, catching only half the meeting by the time I arrived, but that fraction was multiplied by the memory of my own celebration & it has filled me up with goodness tonight. Everyday we are sober is worth celebrating, because any day we do that we stand as living proof to any who doubt it, that there IS a solution. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Spiritual Power Sources - Plug In
November 26. Hello everybody, it's Black Friday & instead of shopping like alot of America I was instead stocking the display cases at my new shop in preperation for our opening of the new location tomorrow. It was a long day, but eventful in many ways. My parents & I started off w/ a nice breakfast nearby home & saw my sister too because she was waitressing. So after a good way to start the day we headed up to the new store & got to work. Little by little the three major display cases began to take shape. Mid afternoon my mother got a call that my Gram was going to have to go to the hospital because her dehydration & weakness was growing too much & medical attention was needed. She's been sicker in ways, but this was one thing we had hoped could be avoided in her recovery from Chemo. My mom met the ambulance at the hospital, my dad driving her & then he came back to help me some more on my preparations. Time kept ticking & the shortness of hands made it apparent that we wouldn't finish everything today. I kind of expected that even with additional help, so it was no suprise when time ran out & we had to secure all the stock not put out yet. Dad & I pushed on & got out of there in the knick of time, just enough time to grab some fast food before I had to get dropped off at my usual Friday night group. I was sore, aching, tired, and I think the day was starting to eat at my spiritual condition. I say that because by the time I got out of the meeting I felt entirely different than walking in, however still sore, I felt renewed by the discussion & fellowship that took place. Just noticing this about myself today brings a good topic to mind & before I get onto the other work I have to do yet tonight I thought it might help me to write about it.
Over the course of a day there are certain things we can do to stay connected to our spirituality, in a sense feeding it "snacks" to keep it full as we would snack to stay nourished. I notice many times if I am busy or things get hectic, I often don't stop to do the little things needed to stay connected to the "Spiritual Power Source". By the end of a long day, providing nothing major goes wrong to make me burst while in that spiritually deprived condition, I end up feeling dull, dragged down, and sometimes even depressed. Like when we sit down & eat a healthy meal, we often don't need to snack for quite some time because the large portion fills us. The same happens I've noticed with my recovery, if I go to a Group or meeting for an hour, I end up feeling spiritually well fed & usually bounce back to a good mood & happy existance. Most days a person is not swamped, hopefully anyway, and they have the opportunity to get those small spiritual snacks that make the day so much easier to bear sober than waiting for a larger spiritual meal at night, such as a meeting. Those snacks can be in the form of phone calls to friends, other alcoholics, or a sponsor for example. They can also be reading literature that promotes positive thinking our spiritual lessons & balance. Fact is that there are countless sources in which we can get a quick recharge to our spiritual condition. "Spiritual Power Sources" are many, some giving little tidbits & some great serenity that can last us hours, days, and even longer for some of us.
The important part is that I recognize when I am not plugging in to these sources, when I am not eating spiritual food. When I go an entire day without getting a snack for the sober soul, then I take a greater risk of letting my alcoholism affect me directly. It can do it a million ways, from just a dull feeling to depression to let my emotions get worn down or add to stress & physical exhaustion. Its a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease that requires rigorous action on a daily basis to live happy despite it. Those are actions I am willing to take, sometimes in moderation & sometimes the not so recommended way 'all at once', but in any case I need to never lose track of my spiritual fitness. When I'm not feeling fit, I need to get to a meeting, make that phone call, or just talk about it to somebody understanding. I need to read something positive or say a positive prayer, and realize that I am who I am & can be my best rather than let a day get the best of me. Here's to the spiritual snacks & meals that exist in many different forms, I'm hungry & willing to share my food with anyone else who needs it. So lets keep plugged in to a "Spiritual Power Source", big or small, and tell someone else who it can help exactly what worked for us. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Over the course of a day there are certain things we can do to stay connected to our spirituality, in a sense feeding it "snacks" to keep it full as we would snack to stay nourished. I notice many times if I am busy or things get hectic, I often don't stop to do the little things needed to stay connected to the "Spiritual Power Source". By the end of a long day, providing nothing major goes wrong to make me burst while in that spiritually deprived condition, I end up feeling dull, dragged down, and sometimes even depressed. Like when we sit down & eat a healthy meal, we often don't need to snack for quite some time because the large portion fills us. The same happens I've noticed with my recovery, if I go to a Group or meeting for an hour, I end up feeling spiritually well fed & usually bounce back to a good mood & happy existance. Most days a person is not swamped, hopefully anyway, and they have the opportunity to get those small spiritual snacks that make the day so much easier to bear sober than waiting for a larger spiritual meal at night, such as a meeting. Those snacks can be in the form of phone calls to friends, other alcoholics, or a sponsor for example. They can also be reading literature that promotes positive thinking our spiritual lessons & balance. Fact is that there are countless sources in which we can get a quick recharge to our spiritual condition. "Spiritual Power Sources" are many, some giving little tidbits & some great serenity that can last us hours, days, and even longer for some of us.
The important part is that I recognize when I am not plugging in to these sources, when I am not eating spiritual food. When I go an entire day without getting a snack for the sober soul, then I take a greater risk of letting my alcoholism affect me directly. It can do it a million ways, from just a dull feeling to depression to let my emotions get worn down or add to stress & physical exhaustion. Its a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease that requires rigorous action on a daily basis to live happy despite it. Those are actions I am willing to take, sometimes in moderation & sometimes the not so recommended way 'all at once', but in any case I need to never lose track of my spiritual fitness. When I'm not feeling fit, I need to get to a meeting, make that phone call, or just talk about it to somebody understanding. I need to read something positive or say a positive prayer, and realize that I am who I am & can be my best rather than let a day get the best of me. Here's to the spiritual snacks & meals that exist in many different forms, I'm hungry & willing to share my food with anyone else who needs it. So lets keep plugged in to a "Spiritual Power Source", big or small, and tell someone else who it can help exactly what worked for us. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving - Giving Thanks & Gratitude
November 25. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope your holiday was well spent & filled with the light of the spirit. I know that my day was certainly spiked with moments of spiritual bliss, a few not so grand moments on my part, and alot of great thankful hearts surrounding me. I started my day off w/ an afternoon dinner, my sisters, parents, nephew & nieces, and my funny brother in law. The tone at dinner was one of family, everything tasted great & even the kids ate well like they are supposed to. I was up a little late so after eating it was time for a little nap & I awoken to cake being served to my niece as we celebrate her birthday on the holiday today as well. The babies had cake & adults had pie & other great desserts mom & dad made over the course of last night. What a treat to wake up to see the youth in their element & the adults all smiling as I joined them. I could not have asked for a better day other than to be a little less tired, but I am thankful I was able to get some rest & take care of myself as I should. Everyone left the house, having stops & visits to make & I kept myself entertained for an hour or two until my sister came back to take me to my meeting. It took me a while to get ready & she was early, after getting to the store on the way I realized I forgot the key to the building & upon slamming the car door in frustration w/ myself I stepped on the top of the pie I was bringing, thankfully wrapped in plastic. I let myself get mad at myself, but it only took a short ride to get the key & some thought of my gratitude today for life itself, and I was back in a good spot spiritually for the meeting.
So many more people showed up than I had though, it was a heart filling experience to be honored to chair a Holiday meeting & see so much support & friendship gathered. After a great friend as the speaker we all shared on the subject of gratitude & it seems like a great topic to write about tonight as it coincides with the holiday itself. I didn't know what gratitude was going to do for my life in the beggining of this sober journey, but I heard people tell me repeatedly that it was something I needed to learn to have. I even heard people say they were grateful to be alcoholic or addicts, initially that puzzled me, but today I know why. Having the 12 Steps & the fellowship I am with today in my life is something to be grateful for, without being an alcoholic & drug addict I would never have met these people or found these principles working in my life today. That is something to be grateful for, something that did not come easy & I had to learn like an ecrypted code how to decipher. It's not just on Thanksgiving that we need to have gratitude, every day we have it & make a point at finding things we are grateful for, is another day we have a helpful tool in staying sober. Gratitude gives us a reason to do service work for others, and to carry the message of hope to those who arent yet convinced or haven't found the way yet. We give thanks any way we can, sometimes verbally, sometimes with gifts, sometimes with a handshake, but the best way we can give thanks to those who it matters the most is to live Sober & Spiritually as well to carry an attitude of gratitude as often as we possibly can.
Of all the ways to give thanks, I enjoy giving back to people who need it. Not money, because I don't have financial riches to bless others with, and not always in a measurable way like a gift or gesture. Instead I give of myself, whatever use I can be to a person, cause, or fellowship & the thing I give the most in gratitude today is probably my appreciation & time. There are so many ways to give thanks, but we don't always know what we are grateful for. It was suggested long ago & still is suggested places I go today, that I make a Gratitude List that I can reflect on to remember all the things I am grateful for in my life sober today. I have made some of these lists throughout my sobriety, sometimes on a napkin or scrap of paper, sometimes in a journal or other writing, and I think that they genuinely help my spirituality & growth in sobriety. If I remember what I am grateful for in my sober life, then the reasons not to return to the hell of my active addiction are clear at any given moment. Its the difficult moments when its heard to keep our gratitude, in those moments the fellowships & friends as well as family have helped keep my sobriety intact & helped pass the time needed for the gratitude to return. Phone numbers, visits w/ sober friends, spending quality time w/ people I love, and going to fellowship groups to listen & learn about the Steps is all ways to build my gratitude. Another great way is to just experience life in a sober manner, living in the light of the spirit has given me a higher form of gratitude at times, and that is something I am most grateful for. Happy Holidays everyone. The warmest time of the year is upon us, if we only look past the ice & snow & embrace the warmth of spiritual living. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
So many more people showed up than I had though, it was a heart filling experience to be honored to chair a Holiday meeting & see so much support & friendship gathered. After a great friend as the speaker we all shared on the subject of gratitude & it seems like a great topic to write about tonight as it coincides with the holiday itself. I didn't know what gratitude was going to do for my life in the beggining of this sober journey, but I heard people tell me repeatedly that it was something I needed to learn to have. I even heard people say they were grateful to be alcoholic or addicts, initially that puzzled me, but today I know why. Having the 12 Steps & the fellowship I am with today in my life is something to be grateful for, without being an alcoholic & drug addict I would never have met these people or found these principles working in my life today. That is something to be grateful for, something that did not come easy & I had to learn like an ecrypted code how to decipher. It's not just on Thanksgiving that we need to have gratitude, every day we have it & make a point at finding things we are grateful for, is another day we have a helpful tool in staying sober. Gratitude gives us a reason to do service work for others, and to carry the message of hope to those who arent yet convinced or haven't found the way yet. We give thanks any way we can, sometimes verbally, sometimes with gifts, sometimes with a handshake, but the best way we can give thanks to those who it matters the most is to live Sober & Spiritually as well to carry an attitude of gratitude as often as we possibly can.
Of all the ways to give thanks, I enjoy giving back to people who need it. Not money, because I don't have financial riches to bless others with, and not always in a measurable way like a gift or gesture. Instead I give of myself, whatever use I can be to a person, cause, or fellowship & the thing I give the most in gratitude today is probably my appreciation & time. There are so many ways to give thanks, but we don't always know what we are grateful for. It was suggested long ago & still is suggested places I go today, that I make a Gratitude List that I can reflect on to remember all the things I am grateful for in my life sober today. I have made some of these lists throughout my sobriety, sometimes on a napkin or scrap of paper, sometimes in a journal or other writing, and I think that they genuinely help my spirituality & growth in sobriety. If I remember what I am grateful for in my sober life, then the reasons not to return to the hell of my active addiction are clear at any given moment. Its the difficult moments when its heard to keep our gratitude, in those moments the fellowships & friends as well as family have helped keep my sobriety intact & helped pass the time needed for the gratitude to return. Phone numbers, visits w/ sober friends, spending quality time w/ people I love, and going to fellowship groups to listen & learn about the Steps is all ways to build my gratitude. Another great way is to just experience life in a sober manner, living in the light of the spirit has given me a higher form of gratitude at times, and that is something I am most grateful for. Happy Holidays everyone. The warmest time of the year is upon us, if we only look past the ice & snow & embrace the warmth of spiritual living. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Expectations - Holding Ourselves Down
November 23. Hello everyone, I hope your Tuesday went great. Mine did not go anywhere near to how I had planned it, but after going to a great meeting tonight & realizing some things my disease wants me to forget I am doing Alright! Last night I had developed a terrible migraine headache & I couldn't pinpoint what was causing it. On the way to my monday meeting I started to get dizzy & things got worse, I made the decision to put my well being before the meeting & that is something I rarely do on mondays. We turned around to go back home & when I got there I laid still for a few hours while my headache subsided. Thankfully it went away & I feel a thousand times better today. This morning I had planned on getting a few projects done I had to, thankfully I got them done tonight instead so tomorrow can be smooth. I didn't want to put them off but in recovering from the headache I had monday night I lost a great deal of sleep & needed to catch up some. The end result everything is fine though, I accepted that I didn't get it done early & w/ the help of my dad I got it done anyway before the day ended. Some other things did not go as planned though, this event was something I was looking forward to & it was much more difficult for me to remember how to deal with it sober & spiritually. It wasn't until I went to listen to a great group & topic tonight that I finally came to peace with what happened. So I thought tonight's topic could be about "Expectations" and how that can hurt my recovery.
My recent lack of spirituality came today in the form of expectations. Monday night I had confirmed plans to see a new friend tuesday evening after they got out of work. I also had plans to disassemble parts from a sewing table that I didn't need in order to make it a jewelry display for my new store. I got a call mid-day, when it came I was trying to get motivated for the day because I lost sleeping time from my headache. The call was to cancel the plans for this evening, those plans I had really hoped would go through. Instead of practicing acceptance & maybe realizing that things could have fallen through for a reason, I let the Expectations I had bring me down. So down in fact that I didn't get done what I had set out to do. Thankfully I didn't take a drink over the change of plans, that of course being the worst mistake possible, but I didn't call someone else or talk to anybody about it. In fact I just left it as a voicemail that dissapointed me & didn't talk to anybody about it the whole day. By the time supper was getting prepared I figured I better start doing something with myself or I was going to sink into a slump for the second consecutive day, the first caused by my headache. You can see how quickly this disease of alcoholism can creep back into our lives & cause us chaos. Only one day behind my normal recovery routine & I was falling victim to myself & selfish thinking.
I got a hot shower to relax my sore muscles & try to start my day over, I had to get past the resentments I had towards myself & my friend by placing expectations on top of simple plans. Because those plans did not go through, I was letting it get the worst of me. There have been times where I was able to say "Okay I better get onto something else, No big deal this just didn't work out". This wasn't one of those times unfortunately. I had dinner & shortly after dad showed up. I went to my usual meeting early, I had some things I needed to get out & I knew there would be somebody to talk to. Sure enough there was, the helpful arm of the fellowship was just within reach, I was the only thing keeping myself from reaching sooner. I realize now that I could have squashed this unsettling within me had I just made a phone call to someone during the day. Getting it out was half of the battle, realizing that I can only accept the situation for what it is & address myself was the other part. Nothing I can say or do can change the fact that my friend had other things taking up their time & that I was not the priority anymore. I wasn't the center of their attention, my selfishness ended when I realized that was the inner driving force behind my resentment. The meeting started shortly after a talk with some friends & the topic was even more restoring of my faith in the 12 Steps & learning to live them. Acceptance of things is one of the hardest skills to develop & we start each day as an alcoholic in recovery with a handicap. That handicap we overcome through the help of a Higher Power & the program, the more we put into both the easier our acceptance comes to us. So thankfully tonight I have overcome the power of Resentment & Expectations that my disease for decades held over my head. I did so with the help of friends, fellowship, my Higher Power, and talking to another Alcoholic/Addict who has been there before. It is through the experiences of others being successful at recovery that I am able to hope for my own. Thanks for Blogging In. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
My recent lack of spirituality came today in the form of expectations. Monday night I had confirmed plans to see a new friend tuesday evening after they got out of work. I also had plans to disassemble parts from a sewing table that I didn't need in order to make it a jewelry display for my new store. I got a call mid-day, when it came I was trying to get motivated for the day because I lost sleeping time from my headache. The call was to cancel the plans for this evening, those plans I had really hoped would go through. Instead of practicing acceptance & maybe realizing that things could have fallen through for a reason, I let the Expectations I had bring me down. So down in fact that I didn't get done what I had set out to do. Thankfully I didn't take a drink over the change of plans, that of course being the worst mistake possible, but I didn't call someone else or talk to anybody about it. In fact I just left it as a voicemail that dissapointed me & didn't talk to anybody about it the whole day. By the time supper was getting prepared I figured I better start doing something with myself or I was going to sink into a slump for the second consecutive day, the first caused by my headache. You can see how quickly this disease of alcoholism can creep back into our lives & cause us chaos. Only one day behind my normal recovery routine & I was falling victim to myself & selfish thinking.
I got a hot shower to relax my sore muscles & try to start my day over, I had to get past the resentments I had towards myself & my friend by placing expectations on top of simple plans. Because those plans did not go through, I was letting it get the worst of me. There have been times where I was able to say "Okay I better get onto something else, No big deal this just didn't work out". This wasn't one of those times unfortunately. I had dinner & shortly after dad showed up. I went to my usual meeting early, I had some things I needed to get out & I knew there would be somebody to talk to. Sure enough there was, the helpful arm of the fellowship was just within reach, I was the only thing keeping myself from reaching sooner. I realize now that I could have squashed this unsettling within me had I just made a phone call to someone during the day. Getting it out was half of the battle, realizing that I can only accept the situation for what it is & address myself was the other part. Nothing I can say or do can change the fact that my friend had other things taking up their time & that I was not the priority anymore. I wasn't the center of their attention, my selfishness ended when I realized that was the inner driving force behind my resentment. The meeting started shortly after a talk with some friends & the topic was even more restoring of my faith in the 12 Steps & learning to live them. Acceptance of things is one of the hardest skills to develop & we start each day as an alcoholic in recovery with a handicap. That handicap we overcome through the help of a Higher Power & the program, the more we put into both the easier our acceptance comes to us. So thankfully tonight I have overcome the power of Resentment & Expectations that my disease for decades held over my head. I did so with the help of friends, fellowship, my Higher Power, and talking to another Alcoholic/Addict who has been there before. It is through the experiences of others being successful at recovery that I am able to hope for my own. Thanks for Blogging In. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Remember What Our Goal Is
November 21. Hello everyone, hope your Sunday was a Super one. Mine was very hectic & a little overwhelming, but here I am, still sober to write about it. For a lot of people I know Sundays begin their week, I am backwards in that sense as it ends mine & I like to reflect on what I've accomplished or fallen short in. This week I have recieved so much help from my family, I could have never imagined all they would do when I asked for a simple hand helping me setup my new store. Thank you all who helped, the place looks great & is almost ready to be a serious jewelry store. A few more finishing touches & I couldn't be happier with it all. This adventure reminds me looking back not only on the week, but the whole year. January I started this jewelry business & ever since the sky has been my limit, one improvement after another, my higher power opening new doors all the time for me to advance it further. We've been busy all year, all week especially, and for me today more than any other days this week. It was a long day, I was sore, there was alot to do & alot of double working the layout. We got through it though finally before it was time for the owner to lock the doors. Afterwards we got a bite to eat & got home just after 10pm to unload all the tools & stuff from the site. So I'm sure you get it, today was busy, so much going on that I didn't have a moment for myself until now. I'm taking advantage of this time to do some writing because it helps me heal my soul I've learned. Today while working towards building up my business that I plan to use as my vehicle for future success, I heard some stressful news come from another area of my life that I also have been thinking of in regaurds to my future. The bad news came during the storm of busy work I had to accomplish today, I couldn't let it cloud my mind despite how much it clouded my feelings.
In recovery I feel that is so important, our sobriety hinges on it sometimes, so much that I'd like to make it my topic tonight. Sometimes we get very busy in life, stressed, overwhelmed, all of these difficult sensations & situations. It's important that we "Remember What Our Goal Is" no matter how hard or immediate the situation. My goal today was first & foremost to remain sober. If I let any of the factors of my day take higher priority than that, I could be in a dangerous spiritual place that leads soon after to a drink or a drug. So I have to continually balance the tasks at hand, the feelings I have, the thoughts that come & go, along with other things as well. For example today I had aching muscles to add to the pile, as well as work to be completed in a time critical environment building the store. All of this adds extra pressure that can make an alcoholic like me spiritually sick. When you add in the stressful news I got from a person I have grown close to, it can be almost too much to process in one day. I was literally so busy that I have not yet had the opportunity to actually think & feel my way through the situation that has happened in this other person's life, which directly affects mine in ways because I have planned to have them a part of my future. The old me would have taken this scenario & all but given up on the work to be done today, figuring that if one part of my future has gotten difficult to face that I should just say to hell with the rest of it too. Thankfully today I have a great program & people in my life helping me to learn how to continue to care about not only my life, but potentially the lives of others who may or also be affected.
Normal people just take this clarity & foresight for granted, normal thinking is not the same as alcoholic thinking. Often our first thoughts are the ones that used to rule our lives & our second is one of a more spiritual basis. My first thoughts of the news I heard today were anxious & self destructive, the alcoholic thoughts. I wanted to go into a corner somewhere & literally feel sorry for myself at first, self pity is a sign of lacking spirituality at that moment. I certainly was lacking it, but I gathered myself together & went out to have a cigarette. I didn't try to think about what was bothering me, thinking too much was a great downfall in my active addiction, instead I tried to clear my mind & think about what I needed to. My trailing thoughts that have been taught to me in recovery worked in this situation, I am grateful that my Higher Power has given me this ability in this current scenario. My thoughts collected on the fact that I must remain sober if I am to have any sort of a happy life at all, logic was settling in over my over-emotinal & alcoholic panic, the next thought was that I have two loving parents inside working their asses off for the future of my business. My business makes me happy, I love what I do & happiness is the ultimate goal in sobriety. It was clear that I could not just give up three laboring days into the modeling of my store's layout, I got a grip finally. I was ready to get back to work, I pushed the news off in my mind because there was so much left to do & I went back to join my parents in doing it. I tell this story of today's events because often we don't remember what we are supposed to be doing, that is staying Sober first & foremost. Our goal is to live free from the terror of our disease & happy, for once without calling my sponsor or running to a meeting I was able to accomplish handling a difficult situation. The past year & many months of people teaching me how to live right through the 12 Steps has paid off, the practice I have done accumulated, and ONE TIME I made it through that busy day without giving up or giving in. I thank my Higher Power & all who have taught me how to live my new life for the experience I am gaining in living sober. I will leave tonights topic at that "Remembering What Our Goal Is", for now, I have a lot of thinking to do now that I'm not so busy. There's enough clouds in my head to rain for days. Blue skies are ahead though if I stay sober One Day At A Time. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
In recovery I feel that is so important, our sobriety hinges on it sometimes, so much that I'd like to make it my topic tonight. Sometimes we get very busy in life, stressed, overwhelmed, all of these difficult sensations & situations. It's important that we "Remember What Our Goal Is" no matter how hard or immediate the situation. My goal today was first & foremost to remain sober. If I let any of the factors of my day take higher priority than that, I could be in a dangerous spiritual place that leads soon after to a drink or a drug. So I have to continually balance the tasks at hand, the feelings I have, the thoughts that come & go, along with other things as well. For example today I had aching muscles to add to the pile, as well as work to be completed in a time critical environment building the store. All of this adds extra pressure that can make an alcoholic like me spiritually sick. When you add in the stressful news I got from a person I have grown close to, it can be almost too much to process in one day. I was literally so busy that I have not yet had the opportunity to actually think & feel my way through the situation that has happened in this other person's life, which directly affects mine in ways because I have planned to have them a part of my future. The old me would have taken this scenario & all but given up on the work to be done today, figuring that if one part of my future has gotten difficult to face that I should just say to hell with the rest of it too. Thankfully today I have a great program & people in my life helping me to learn how to continue to care about not only my life, but potentially the lives of others who may or also be affected.
Normal people just take this clarity & foresight for granted, normal thinking is not the same as alcoholic thinking. Often our first thoughts are the ones that used to rule our lives & our second is one of a more spiritual basis. My first thoughts of the news I heard today were anxious & self destructive, the alcoholic thoughts. I wanted to go into a corner somewhere & literally feel sorry for myself at first, self pity is a sign of lacking spirituality at that moment. I certainly was lacking it, but I gathered myself together & went out to have a cigarette. I didn't try to think about what was bothering me, thinking too much was a great downfall in my active addiction, instead I tried to clear my mind & think about what I needed to. My trailing thoughts that have been taught to me in recovery worked in this situation, I am grateful that my Higher Power has given me this ability in this current scenario. My thoughts collected on the fact that I must remain sober if I am to have any sort of a happy life at all, logic was settling in over my over-emotinal & alcoholic panic, the next thought was that I have two loving parents inside working their asses off for the future of my business. My business makes me happy, I love what I do & happiness is the ultimate goal in sobriety. It was clear that I could not just give up three laboring days into the modeling of my store's layout, I got a grip finally. I was ready to get back to work, I pushed the news off in my mind because there was so much left to do & I went back to join my parents in doing it. I tell this story of today's events because often we don't remember what we are supposed to be doing, that is staying Sober first & foremost. Our goal is to live free from the terror of our disease & happy, for once without calling my sponsor or running to a meeting I was able to accomplish handling a difficult situation. The past year & many months of people teaching me how to live right through the 12 Steps has paid off, the practice I have done accumulated, and ONE TIME I made it through that busy day without giving up or giving in. I thank my Higher Power & all who have taught me how to live my new life for the experience I am gaining in living sober. I will leave tonights topic at that "Remembering What Our Goal Is", for now, I have a lot of thinking to do now that I'm not so busy. There's enough clouds in my head to rain for days. Blue skies are ahead though if I stay sober One Day At A Time. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Friday, November 19, 2010
Great Pain Brought Great Gain
November 19. Hey everybody, Friday is a half hour away from being over. The weekend is settling in & my workload is still ahead of me. That is a good thing though because every day things are getting closer to being done with opening the new store. I had an okay day, very sore from heavy lifting yesterday. I definitely exceeded my limit on lifting & am sure at some points pure determination & adrenaline were the only way I got some of the stuff moved around. I got a shipment I was waiting for today, add that to staying sober & I had a great day. Dinner with mom & dad was nice too, we eneded up getting me to my homegroup a little late. Better late than never, I go there to help my sobriety so there is no need to be sorry when I am late. That is something my sponsor has taught me because I used to appologize for being late. I got to spend a few minutes with my sponsor tonight too, he gave me a ride home & we caught up on things. When I got home I did some computer stuff for the business end of things & finally got online here to write a little bit. I'm still sober, still sore, and everything is going to be fine. Tomorrow I will be back up at the shop working and hopefully working some of these kinks out of my back & legs. Tonight a great topic came up at the meeting, which reminded me of something else I wanted to write about.
"Great Pain Brought Great Gain", that is something I attribute my success in sobriety today. I had better explain it a little more clearly. My first attempts at getting sober were not successful, thus being attempts. There are probably millions of factors that can be put out there about a person not succeeding in sobriety, one of the most frequently stated is that they just simply wanted to drink or get high & so they did. To me that is not enough. So many times I found myself getting high or drunk, I in fact did not want to do it. I knew nothing else, I wasn't yet afraid, I wasn't yet worn out. My first attempt at sobriety was through the courts, a forced hand if you will. I did the minimum required to comply without going to jail & I was no where near tired of the life I used to live, I actually missed it. I missed getting high, living reckless & on the edge. I missed the numb feeling & did not want to embrace the new set of real emotions that were beggining to develop inside me. So I found ways to play the time frames & loops associated with that court program. I found ways to get high & drunk and I went back out. I wasn't feeling the hurt yet or the pains of my disease enough to stay in the sober environment & I willingly walked away from it all. My second attempt to get sober was through the form of Rehab. When I got there I genuinely wanted this to be my last time being high, I was hurt from the constant state of physical sickness & my life falling apart around me. A few weeks after being there, I had allowed my disease & cravings to let me forget about all those pains & I went back to the drugs all over again upon leaving the center.
The next morning after that return to madness it finally hit me. The physical sickness was settling in, the cravings began & the panic. I had no where to turn for relief, Great Pain was becoming my existance all over again. The pain of detoxification was even something I feared to go through again if it was necessary & after using again it had become necessary. Having seen those short few weeks of hope in my life at Rehab, I got a glimpse of what potential life could be like without dependancy on drugs or a drink each day. I found a little bit of myself that had not yet turned, this part of me was so deep within me that I'm sure no one else could see it. That part of me took the advice I had heard before & I reached out to my Higher Power. The Great Pain of my active addiction & alcoholism had finally broken me apart, I was willing to do anything to stop hurting. To stop hurting my family, myself, everything. I needed to find out who I really was, the mirror told me nothing anymore. There was not a bone in my body that didn't ache, a thought in my mind that wasn't tortured, but my heart still had hope thankfully. It was all of the pain in my life that motivated me to do the series of actions, events, and necessary things to finally get sober. Only THAT PAIN was enough to do it, when we ask why someone continues to hurt themselves & others in their active addiction this may be the answer. Because like me, they did not yet hurt enough to stop or seek help. It is the hope of all who love an addict that one day they will feel this great pain & take the help that is out there, and that they do it before their disease brings their death. I thank my Higher Power everyday for the 12 Step program that has taught me how to STAY SOBER, and for the pain that once ruled my life growing to be great enough to seek out the help in stopping. In the end, It was "Great Pain" in my life that brought on the "Great Gain" of sobriety & spirituality. Spiritual living today is my only way to live without the pain of my former existance, an existance that could return to me if I do not do whats necessary to fight my disease. "Great Pain Brought Great Gain". So pray that it hurts enough for everybody, that they may make the change & get the help they need. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
"Great Pain Brought Great Gain", that is something I attribute my success in sobriety today. I had better explain it a little more clearly. My first attempts at getting sober were not successful, thus being attempts. There are probably millions of factors that can be put out there about a person not succeeding in sobriety, one of the most frequently stated is that they just simply wanted to drink or get high & so they did. To me that is not enough. So many times I found myself getting high or drunk, I in fact did not want to do it. I knew nothing else, I wasn't yet afraid, I wasn't yet worn out. My first attempt at sobriety was through the courts, a forced hand if you will. I did the minimum required to comply without going to jail & I was no where near tired of the life I used to live, I actually missed it. I missed getting high, living reckless & on the edge. I missed the numb feeling & did not want to embrace the new set of real emotions that were beggining to develop inside me. So I found ways to play the time frames & loops associated with that court program. I found ways to get high & drunk and I went back out. I wasn't feeling the hurt yet or the pains of my disease enough to stay in the sober environment & I willingly walked away from it all. My second attempt to get sober was through the form of Rehab. When I got there I genuinely wanted this to be my last time being high, I was hurt from the constant state of physical sickness & my life falling apart around me. A few weeks after being there, I had allowed my disease & cravings to let me forget about all those pains & I went back to the drugs all over again upon leaving the center.
The next morning after that return to madness it finally hit me. The physical sickness was settling in, the cravings began & the panic. I had no where to turn for relief, Great Pain was becoming my existance all over again. The pain of detoxification was even something I feared to go through again if it was necessary & after using again it had become necessary. Having seen those short few weeks of hope in my life at Rehab, I got a glimpse of what potential life could be like without dependancy on drugs or a drink each day. I found a little bit of myself that had not yet turned, this part of me was so deep within me that I'm sure no one else could see it. That part of me took the advice I had heard before & I reached out to my Higher Power. The Great Pain of my active addiction & alcoholism had finally broken me apart, I was willing to do anything to stop hurting. To stop hurting my family, myself, everything. I needed to find out who I really was, the mirror told me nothing anymore. There was not a bone in my body that didn't ache, a thought in my mind that wasn't tortured, but my heart still had hope thankfully. It was all of the pain in my life that motivated me to do the series of actions, events, and necessary things to finally get sober. Only THAT PAIN was enough to do it, when we ask why someone continues to hurt themselves & others in their active addiction this may be the answer. Because like me, they did not yet hurt enough to stop or seek help. It is the hope of all who love an addict that one day they will feel this great pain & take the help that is out there, and that they do it before their disease brings their death. I thank my Higher Power everyday for the 12 Step program that has taught me how to STAY SOBER, and for the pain that once ruled my life growing to be great enough to seek out the help in stopping. In the end, It was "Great Pain" in my life that brought on the "Great Gain" of sobriety & spirituality. Spiritual living today is my only way to live without the pain of my former existance, an existance that could return to me if I do not do whats necessary to fight my disease. "Great Pain Brought Great Gain". So pray that it hurts enough for everybody, that they may make the change & get the help they need. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Forgiveness - The Many Forms
November 18. Hello big world, Thursday is finishing up & for me it was a Long & strong day. The most important part of it is the fact that I did not drink or use a drug, being sober needs to always remain a highlight of my days as they go by. To kick it off my father & I went early in the morning to the building that my new store is going into. After waiting around a long time, then doing busy work on display cases for a long time, we finally got with the building owner & got into a plan of action. Once things got rolling in a positive direction we got more work done than I could have imagined completing at all today. There were some discrepencies with code & changes needed to be made to the layout, actually some is still in the air for approval. This utterly frustrated me, because it seemed that I was told one thing to comply, then when doing it something else was not compliant. Thankfully my father was there & helped me keep my cool & focus, as well there was several times during the day that I returned that reassurance to him. That is the difference in being sober today, I can actually on occasion be of use to someone else. :) After putting in more than double the time into the building prep that I had hoped, mom met up with us & we went to eat after cleaning up a bit. We still have to go back many times before opening to finish the work to the space, but it will come along as all projects do with patience. After dinner I rested my back for a half an hour then had to get right back up to go chair a meeting nearby my house. I was dreading having to go, but afterwards I realize why I do go, because it changes everything about my day & I am the person I want to be afterwards.
At the group an awesome topic came up, so I thought I would write more about it here because it really helps me to apply it in my life. Forgiveness. Looking at that word most of us immediately think we are talking about forgiving someone else for their wrongs done to us. That is a good part of the word, but in recovery it has so much more depth & meaning to work spiritually in our lives. We must begin with ourselves, or none of our other attempts will work to forgive. To forgive ourselves for all the things we have done, all the pain we have caused, and all the times we fell short in our alcoholic/addicted daze, we need to tap into a power greater than ourselves. Being spiritually diseased we do not internally posess these abilities, if we did we would not have drugs or drink in our pasts as coping devices & crutches. That greater power comes from our Higher Power, one that we MUST believe is completely forgiving of us & our mistakes from within & outside the boundries of our disease. With that borrowed power to forgive ourselves, we become able to geniunely & internally forgive ourselves as well. If we have not gotten to this point yet, then we have not yet found our Higher Power & gotten close enough to believe that forgiveness is an option. This has been one of my difficult areas of recovery, for many months in the beginning I stressed about the things I did wrong. Those stresses & strains caused me to look more at the wrongs of others that may have contributed to my problems than at my own self where it all had to begin. Once I got guided through the help of others, forgiveness became a reachable act of the heart. Some of it I think had to have developed from me finally for once, in sobriety, being able to get in touch with real feelings & actually feeling them for a change.
Once we have begun to practice self forgiveness, because we will never be able to master it, we can begin to forgive others. We don't have to forgive them & be their friends, we don't have to forgive them for their sake at all. We MUST forgive others for our own sobriety to remain intact. Resentments will lead us back to our old ways, seeking escape, and a drink or drugs again will return. We won't be able to immediately forgive everything, some things may take me years as it has with others. We start small & simple, as we are practicing we get better at borrowing our Higher Power's ability to forgive & learn to use it in larger scales in our own lives. This whole time that we are learning to do this, others who were already capable may in fact see this change, and SOME of those others may grow into forgiving us. It's those moments of warmth that ultimately remind me of how worthwhile my sober adventure is. I capitalized the word "SOME" of those people, because NOT ALL will or are required to forgive us. In the end their ability to forgive may not ever develop towards us, afterall some people are just as sick as we were in addiction without drugs or drinks & some of those people will never see a program to help them recover from their spiritual defects. We need to be okay with the fact that some people will never forgive us & some are incapable of forgiving us as well. At the end of the day our sobriety and spiritual growth depends on our ability to forgive, not theirs. So we must do what is right regaurdless of their part or next move. We always have an option of not associating with that person if they are that toxic to us or cause constant problems for us. What matters is that we grow to forgive, and forgive to grow. I hope that one day I am able to run out of things to be forgiven of & have cast forgiveness from my heart to the last offender as well, but I know that this world of human beings makes that impossible. We are flawed. I can work on myself though daily, becoming closer to living as a spiritual being & less like a human being each day. That my friends is what makes this adventure all worthwhile. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
At the group an awesome topic came up, so I thought I would write more about it here because it really helps me to apply it in my life. Forgiveness. Looking at that word most of us immediately think we are talking about forgiving someone else for their wrongs done to us. That is a good part of the word, but in recovery it has so much more depth & meaning to work spiritually in our lives. We must begin with ourselves, or none of our other attempts will work to forgive. To forgive ourselves for all the things we have done, all the pain we have caused, and all the times we fell short in our alcoholic/addicted daze, we need to tap into a power greater than ourselves. Being spiritually diseased we do not internally posess these abilities, if we did we would not have drugs or drink in our pasts as coping devices & crutches. That greater power comes from our Higher Power, one that we MUST believe is completely forgiving of us & our mistakes from within & outside the boundries of our disease. With that borrowed power to forgive ourselves, we become able to geniunely & internally forgive ourselves as well. If we have not gotten to this point yet, then we have not yet found our Higher Power & gotten close enough to believe that forgiveness is an option. This has been one of my difficult areas of recovery, for many months in the beginning I stressed about the things I did wrong. Those stresses & strains caused me to look more at the wrongs of others that may have contributed to my problems than at my own self where it all had to begin. Once I got guided through the help of others, forgiveness became a reachable act of the heart. Some of it I think had to have developed from me finally for once, in sobriety, being able to get in touch with real feelings & actually feeling them for a change.
Once we have begun to practice self forgiveness, because we will never be able to master it, we can begin to forgive others. We don't have to forgive them & be their friends, we don't have to forgive them for their sake at all. We MUST forgive others for our own sobriety to remain intact. Resentments will lead us back to our old ways, seeking escape, and a drink or drugs again will return. We won't be able to immediately forgive everything, some things may take me years as it has with others. We start small & simple, as we are practicing we get better at borrowing our Higher Power's ability to forgive & learn to use it in larger scales in our own lives. This whole time that we are learning to do this, others who were already capable may in fact see this change, and SOME of those others may grow into forgiving us. It's those moments of warmth that ultimately remind me of how worthwhile my sober adventure is. I capitalized the word "SOME" of those people, because NOT ALL will or are required to forgive us. In the end their ability to forgive may not ever develop towards us, afterall some people are just as sick as we were in addiction without drugs or drinks & some of those people will never see a program to help them recover from their spiritual defects. We need to be okay with the fact that some people will never forgive us & some are incapable of forgiving us as well. At the end of the day our sobriety and spiritual growth depends on our ability to forgive, not theirs. So we must do what is right regaurdless of their part or next move. We always have an option of not associating with that person if they are that toxic to us or cause constant problems for us. What matters is that we grow to forgive, and forgive to grow. I hope that one day I am able to run out of things to be forgiven of & have cast forgiveness from my heart to the last offender as well, but I know that this world of human beings makes that impossible. We are flawed. I can work on myself though daily, becoming closer to living as a spiritual being & less like a human being each day. That my friends is what makes this adventure all worthwhile. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
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