LOVE & OTHER DRUGS

Hey Friends, its been a wild and fun time since I last wrote in this blog. I've done a lot of healing and a lot of growing since my last times sharing with you all. Since I reflected here I truly have met the woman of my dreams. Not only is she supportive & beautiful, she loves me for me and barely ever has a real problem with my way of survival free from the evils that took me to the lowest places in my history of being alive. After lifing myself from the ashes, her involvement in my life has taken me to the mountain top, from up here I can see the world around me and it is good, shapable and dreams are reachable from up here. I never want to leave this vantage point, and because of this, I want to Marry this woman. To have someone like her forever, is completely complete for me. In these ages gone from the blog I have accelerated my store with her help and support to being in a flea market to having a real jewelry store on main street in town. She is taking me places by boosting my morale and investing her all with me to places I never imagined I could go. I truly feel a need to marry this woman, she is my complete fullfillment in life.. I'm struggling in financially balancing a store, home, expenses in each and wanting to buy the best ring in the world to surprise and ask this woman to marry me. Having invested so much money in my emergency moving of my store to its new location, I am starting over at this goal of obtaining the symbol of love that so many ppl use today, an engagement ring. I can only imagine how good it will look on her finger when I get it, should she say yes. Until God strikes me with the good fortune or help to accomplish this goal, I believe that I'm meant to keep showing her ever other way I can that I love her that much. Some have debated that this is just a symbol or a title, that the ring means less than how I feel or she feels back, but I also agree that for decades men have been showing that ONE WOMAN they want to share their everything with, that they wish to do so with that oh so special ring. I've never been engaged before, I've never wanted to be until this year. Help me out with some prayers to make this happen, please and thanks. And of course I will always pray for your wishes.. tell me about them.

A Wednesday Night & I'm Alright

Jan 12 2011. Hello friends, its just about to become Thursday here & I have not written in the blog in quite a while. I am not fired up or greatly inspired to write a lot at the moment, but I do have something I can write about because it was the one thing on my mind until a few moments ago. Spirituality & sobriety in my life are working wonders because I am developing an awareness of when I am not thinking of the right things, which if left untouched can cause me not to feel the right way to be spiritual. So something crossed my mind that I wrote as my status, because as quickly as a distressing thought came the Serenity afterwards pushed it back out of my mind. My thoughts were something like this... Just one of those night where you notice what's not there in your life, who didn't call, or what you can't have.. The difference this night is I am sober, as experiences grow I have become more spiritual & this night I am okay. No longer a victim to self destruction. Instead of hanging on what is not here & now, I can remember what is great that is & be grateful for all I Have, I Am, & Can Be For Others. ♥ Dreams ♥ Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Every Day Is My New Year

Jan 01 2011. Well it's been a few weeks since I've written in this blog, technically a year has passed because last night was New Years Eve. I hope that all of you had a safe & happy evening. Life has been a little jumbled for me lately but I am managing to do just fine as long as I remember to try & handle things One Day At A Time. Since this is the first day of the New Year 2011, I tried to treat today that exact same way, as just another day to live on in Sobriety & Spiritual Growth. Big days like this don't happen every day however & it was hard not to think about the future & things that may be or not be in the year to come. One thing I can be glad that is not a part of my 2011 thusfar is drugs & alcohol, which in my past tore my life & all that is worth living for out of my heart, mind & body. Many of the things that haunted my past & ruled my very existance through fear are not a part of my life today. So in a way this is a New Year Without New Fears. So many of my friends & the rest of the world take time to chose resolutions during the New Year. Things they are going to give up, begin doing, or change about their lives. Everything from diets to church down to behaviors & habits. In recovery I am learning to change many things about my life but unlike the rest of the world around me, I don't need a holiday or New Year to do so. The motivation behind me making changes in my life today comes from the horrors of my years past. All of those mistakes, pain, fear & difficulties I lived through & forced my friends & family to live through, they compile to form a 'New Year or Holiday' that begins each day I wake up with a beating heart. Every day of my life begins the rest of my existance & may be my last opportunity to do things right for a change, so to me everyday is my New Years Day.

In my active addiction & alcoholism I was incapable of being a better person. The cloud caused from substances took away my abilities to change my behaviors & ways, not only that but the disease of alcoholism untreated in my life made it impossible to survive at that time without those substances. Everything I experienced & all the wrongs I've commited were a necessary part of me reaching that most painful moment in my life, that life was no longer worthwhile to me. It was at that moment that I began a 'New Year', no better yet a 'New Me'. The help that came from countless people after that final decision to get out of the drivers seat & let something other than my alcoholism run my life, that help gave me another chance at things, one I am grateful for still to this day. Tomorrow is not gauranteed & my past is filled with an alcoholic frenzy of chaos & a lonesome void, but today is something I do have. When I awake each day my New Year begins. I have an opportunity to change things about my life that could use improvement, to do more for others around me, and to overall be a better person & instrument of my Higher Power that I may do good for this world & for myself rather then destroy it one minute at a time. If asked if I could see this perspective in the begin of my Sober journey I would honestly have to say "No I did not", but I do see it today. Every morning I pray to my creator for strength & guidance to do better with myself than any day I've lived before, so that I may impact those around me in a positive light. So far I have not been let down, even on my worst of days sober I have done more for myself & this world I live in than in any of my best days during active addiction. When I clear my mind over a cup of coffee I often think, what is right, what can I handle to do different or better today & how can it help my life or someone else's move in a positive direction. This is how I get the blessing of living each day as a New Year in my life. When you hold onto that simple truth, That All We Have is Today & We Should Make The Best Of It & Ourselves, then we are destined to succeed at doing great things during that day. Even when we fall short of our envisioned goals, we are miles ahead of where we would have been without that true & spiritual realization. So I challange all who read this, all who think they can handle living above the bar of the rest of society, because we all can raise that bar together... Let us all awake each day, as New Years Day in our lives, in the world around us, and let us all be our absolute best that we can, taking tomorrow as a gift & blessing that is an opportunity to improve even further and being thankful for all that has gotten us to where we are today. Even when we are sad, at a loss, crushed or just bitter, we have so much to be thankful for.. that 'so much' is life to be lived today. Live it to it's potential, not to selfishly seek out all that we want, but to selfishly improve ourselves so that we may be of maximum service to any who call out to us for help one day. This is the stuff dreams are made of.. I'm living that dream. Join me this year, In day after day of New Years Days. Good Morning.. Good Night.. <3 Jimmy

Positive Perspective & Spirituality

December 13. Hello friends, I have not written since I posted my angel story for my grandmother & I have missed you all. I took the day of the funeral off of work & spent it with family, things had gone so much smoother than I had projected & expected, I want to thank my Higher Power for that especially. I started this week out today with a positive outlook, last week not only contained a great loss in my family life but also in my business as sales were discouragingly low. "This is a whole new week, lets make the best of what I have". That was my mentality waking up this morning, running a few minutes late out the door & for once I was not stressing much over it. My cousin & his wife were waiting at my shop for me to arrive & bought some christmas presents, this added to my positive frame of mind & started my day off with a sale. Maybe a good day is just hard to ruin, or maybe my spiritual condition contributed to it all, I won't claim to know that answer but I do know that things got better as the hours past. Night came & things slowed down, mom came to get me & take me to my MARS Group like any other Monday night. We got there early & sat a few minutes talking then friends w/ the keys to the church showed up so we could get together inside. Only 4 of us showed up & that was just fine, it allowed us all some time to share extra bits of our lives the past week. Looking back on the week, somehow I survived all the sadness & madness of both my family & business losses. It felt good to know that regaurdless of what may be unexpected or unwanted in my life, that everything that is good is still there & I can appreciate that if I am spiritual. The group adjourned & I stopped at my homegroup for a few minutes. At the end they gave me a card in support to our family for our loss of Grandma, its contents a heartfelt message & a gift that could never have been expected. My father was overcome with a warm smile of love & my mother cried tears of joy for their compassion & kindness, my skin tingled looking up from the back seat of the car at the two of them. I got home & needed to write & share my day.

Today the power of a positive personality was magnified by the spirituality of others & the upkeep of my own, this of course something I had nothing to do with but instead my Higher Power delivered to me with Grace. I can only share this story of today, yet another example of spiritual principles working in my life & the lives of those around me. The only choice I have today is over myself & what I do, I chose to surround myself with great people who have a great vision & goal in life. Those people surrounded me & my family with their warmth from the start of my day to the finish, I AM Grateful beyond words. I had another 'spiritual experience' today, it contained no faeries, angels, white lights or booming voices, but I cannot say it was not an act of my Higher Power working in my life today. These spiritual experiences do not happen every day, every week, or even month. I do not know when the next may enter my life, but I do know that the only way I can stand a chance to continue to feel the Grace of my Higher Power is by staying Sober & working a spiritual program in my life. The 12 Steps, fellowships that live them, and the people who my Higher Power choses to work through are all things I cannot explain successes from. I just simply chose to belief & follow, the promises of reasonable happiness & a new perspective on life coming more true everyday. Good Night. Good Morning. <3 Jimmy

A Story Of An Angel

A story of an angel.. A great woman once lived a full & far reaching life of love & compassion. She served her God without faulter & when she grew older he chose her to carry a burden of illness. The illness took her health & quality of life, despite this her God commanded her to love & she never questioned him. She continued to give what little of her self was left in that old age, looking after the helpless & the defenseless, giving warmth & nourishment to all. She spread the word of her God to all who she cared for, she would have it no other way for her Lord said to do that. When her illness got so bad that she could no longer stay home, those who she cared for got scared. Some hid in fear, some rushed to her side, some prayed in the open & others by themselves. Consistant with the world of sin, some even thought of what they may gain in her absence. The woman had touched so many lives that when the end was near there could be nothing said but of her greatness or of how hard it was to see her sick. She was a fighter, God had taught her to be a woman of HIS WORLD, she did not give in right away. There were friends to see first, hands to hold, loved ones to look in the eyes one last time. I remember feeling more proud than when my parents saw me get sober, that this woman saw me look back to her with clear eyes & tell her I love her. A woman that made everyone proud to know her, many who did nearly boasted with pride that this woman who was sick was a substantial part of their life. She TOUCHED THE WORLD for at least a moment, I am sure of it as I am sure of God himself. When a man of God was asked to pray but a needy family member, knowing her & her legacy well, he called her a "Saint". She fought for one more night after that, she lived for one more day, giving the clear signs to all who looked on that she was getting ready to leave them. If it was God or this great woman I may never know, but somehow her Love & Mercy lived on even in her death. As she died just moments before midnight, sparing all who loved her another day of worry & sadness. Her selflessness displayed with an divinely artistic departure from this world, as though to paint the final stroke of color to accent a masterpiece. I couldn't sleep, I can't even speak, so I wanted to write this True Story & share it with you. Because I Love You & want God to mold our lives that we may one day do such great things as Saint Lois The Angel of Love & Mercy.

Let Go, Let God - A Higher Power's Will

December 02. Hello friends, December is underway. The countdown to Christmas & all the other holidays is on the way. I hope everyone has a Happy Haunikah & Merry Christmas this season. With the passing of Thanksgiving I have been reflecting on all I have to be grateful for, but also my brain has been packed full of constant movement because of the grand opening of my new store. The intensity started a few weeks ago when the work began on the new location & has shifted into a stringent schedule of running the shop then making meetings for my spiritual health afterwards. I seem to be holding up rather well, but emotionally there are some things going on under the surface that I could use some help with from my Higher Power. I'll begin w/ my love live, not to be too personal, but I am trying to have one eventually. A few options or avenues have presented themselves to me & I cannot see a clear "good thing" for me to go after as of yet, but I haven't exactly been able to explore anywhere past phone conversations with any of my friends as recent bombardment of responsibility & spiritual work. I am dealing with this okay, but have a lot of wonder in my mind which can be harmful to my disease's recovery process. Next I am balancing emotions about family, with my Grandmother being very ill from the Cancer & a countless amount of other health problems, I have been in denial of alot of my emotions & reality. Yesterday I had my monthly doctors visit, I didn't want to stay long because I had to visit my grandmother because she was awake & conscious to talk to.. I had much I wanted to say. I ended having to stay twice as long as I had hope, but I luckily accepted it & turned it over to my Higher Power as what must be right at the moment, feeling a little resentful about it though & asking for it to take it away from me immediately. That helped too somehow. I checked on my shop, meeting a customer & making a quick sale then closing up officially for the night so I could go see Gram. When I got there I was crushed, to see her in the condition I did was painful & sadenning to the depth of my soul. I swallowed down that despair & raised my voice to an upbeat tone, telling my Nanna that I love her so much & I wanted to come see her. I grabbed her hand & rubbed it for around 20 mintues while nurses were in & out to do bloodwork & check vitals etc. I stared her over, as she nodded to my questions & pointed occasionally to some things she wanted to point out. She could not talk as tubes were down her throat to vent her weakened lungs. So much was hurting me, I could not stay long, my stomache was empty & suddenly got a sharp pitted pain that I think was brought through by stress without dinner. I needed to go have some reflection time & to take a break from the shop further, so I went to play cards & see friends, picking up my spirits a little bit more. Later I went to an old friends house & tried to stay distracted, which helped a bit more. So where did that leave me.

I was struggling with "Lettin Go & Letting God have control of the situations & my acceptance". If it's will was for Gram to pass, then so it is, if its for her to rebound then all the merrier. I had to come to peace w/ that & I prayed, deep & hard. Pleading for the family in tearing pains to be relieved of those & enlightened by his Grace in knowing that if she were spared life tomorrow her pain would be over. If she were to survive further & do so in relative comfort then bring on the miracle. I have prepared for neither the best nor worst, but simply to be accepting of what God has Willed for her healthy & life & also for what the family's independant reactions would be. The fellowship & the 12 Steps are teaching me how to do this, through little lessons & practices prior to this, as well as talking to my sponsor & sober friends about it I have come to peace somewhat with what is to come, good or bad. I have gotten the opportunity to tell her while she was coherent that I love her so very much & that she is MY NANNY. That I want her to feel better & I am praying for her. She is my favorite woman aside from my own mother, who I would not have without her to begin with. The chain of love is well connected in my immediate family & we will all have to re-weld those chains should her's shatter in this mortla world, but I am up to the task. If I may be the only one stable enough to do it, then I will, if not then another will be there to step up, that is how my higher power works today. If I can just let the resutls & outcome be up to my Higher Power, then all will be fine in the end, even if i don't see it for some time. Let Go, Let God. My Higher Power's Will is what I must seek & follow, to adopt as my own & be one with this universe as I was meant to be in growing as a spiritual being. That being when it leaves my body will too hopefully comfort others one day. To my Gram & God, I have let go, but not let go of hope & miracles. I will return so long as your awake to hear me tell you again that I love you. Your are my every example of selfless love that proves in all her works & relationships through life. She is a woman of Faith, and that faith will deliver her to the grandest stage of rewards & recognition before my Higher Power one day. That is my belief, & my beliefs are reality to me. That is all i need to rest easy tonight. Knowing one more dya wiht her is a miracle, as one more day sober is as well. We live for today, hope for tomorrow, and learn from yesterday's mistakes. So Here's to tomorrow when it gets here. I have made it through today by Letting Go.. thank you my Higher Power, Gram, Mom & Dad, Sisters & family.. I love you all without ceasation until my last breath & beyond in spirit. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Moment of Truth

November 30. Hey guys & gals, another day come & another day sober to put to rest. Tonight I had the honor of attending a celebration for one of my greatest friends 21st year in sobriety, Lady Kat congrats. While there a speaker relayed a strong worded & effective message that was well recieved by not only myself but many of the other majority of young people in attendance. I will speak more about this later, especially to note though is this, connecting w/ young people in sobriety is not that easy. This speaker made that seem like a simple task. Before going to the meeting I went to work, it was a long day but it seemed to move quickly because I kept myself busy tackling various projects around the shop that I wanted to get done this week. I made a bit more money than I had hoped too which was another pleasant suprise, but one suprise that was unpleasant was one that came early in the morning.. awakening me from my sleep. My mother got a phone call from the hospital where my Gram was staying at to fight dehydration. I awoken to the call & heard my mother repeating the facts back to the doctor on the line, the news was not good. For quite a while after this I listened as the woman who has been fighting this battle as hard as my Gram herself was being hit by the emotional blows, her composure failed as she made each call to the family. My Gram had to be put on machines to assist her breathing, a drip to assist her cardiovascular pattern that was no pattern at all, and later still she had to be leveled out with insulin due to poor blood sugar when she has never had these problems before in her life. My mother had to rush off before dawns rise to get to her mother's side, her strength coming evidently from her Higher Power because she has not rested in over a month because of these growing problems abroad. I had countless dreams afterwards & woke up each time to an empty house as my father had to go to work, selflessly taking up his duty as a husband & father to provide for us & help me stay ahead in my battles as well. The last dream I had was awoken by a phone call saying that I had to get up an hour early, things had taken a worse turn w/ Gram & my sisters needed to be w/ my mother. I do not grieve well in hospitals, because of this I chose to go where I could find my own strength at my shop operating my business. My day began with this, but my journey began quite a while ago when I was faced with my own alarming "call" if you will.. a MOMENT of truth.

Tonight's speaker shared a bit about realizing he had not looked himself in the face for 2 years prior to getting sober, I could relate to this piece he shared. In my active addiction the only time I could look at my face in the mirror was when I was taking a halucinagen & was so far gone that in my mind I did not see myself at all. Any given morning of my life for over a decade I did not & could not face to even up in a mirror, the person I was then had become something I did not desire, like, or more importantly love. I remember wondering for ages what in my life caused this to happen, what exactly turned me into this monster I was, because if I was born this way I certainly "flipped the switch" sometime before my mid teens. I say that because I remember feeling as a child like I had a good life, that I had friends & a good family, and that I fit in. But there was a moment, I today know that I began to drink & drug to escape my life & the first moment it began was when I lost my will to live.. shortly after I lost the love of my young life to a car accident. With that loss I also discarded my belief in a God of goodness & fairness, of balance in the world, and of the possibility of dreams becoming true. These all have taken me a long time in sobriety to regain, some still not fully but the pieces are finally returning. It has taken much time & may take the rest of my life to restore, what in one moment was lost deep within my soul & spirit. That task is something I am up for today, sobriety is at the foreground of my life & is the reason I have a life of worth & possibility today. I thank my Higher Power, God, for this & for being there even though I had given up on it's presence in my life for so many years. Back to a 'moment' now.

That moment I spoke of reduced me to despair & a downward spiral, hopeless & maturing into being my own worst enemy in life. No wonder I too did not want to look myself in the eyes, that mirror would show the reflection of my enemy, that would be like a free nation welcoming the company & presence of a dictatorship or communist nation. So now in sobriety it makes since, but back then I did not know why I hated myself, my higher power, and the world around me. I loved one thing, the thing that would allow me to escape myself, that world around me, and be numb enough to hide from my creator, drugs & alcohol was that thing. At the end of my years of falling apart, I had hit a bottom, one where I was no longer desiring to live & had no power over anything or my weaknesses. That bottom point of hopelessness was met by the last glimmer of hope in my spirit, that glimmer of hope at the black bottom of the pit was my 'Moment of Truth'. I could die & be happy, the suffering would be finished or I could seek out a solution; some way to recovery from this hopeless state of mind & body. In that moment I did not gain religion, nor sobriety in a flash of light, instead I gained a spiritual experience or an understanding in my soul for better words. That experience made me feel that things could get better, but how, by following the guidance & path of those who have successfully recovered. This bottom, the moment of truth, was the cause of my sobriety today. I will always remember my moment, sparing the details for another time, it was a significant piece of not only my life but those who love & know me. So the moments of truth today that come from others, even those I care about & love all the way down to the ones I don't care much for at all, they come to me with more acceptance & understanding. Finally having my own moment of truth, and working the Steps in my life, I am able to cope with the tangles & tragedies that we know as life. I am able to see the great parts of many things that happen, ones that others might see as a pure loss or disaster, those good parts I see keep my spiritual life above the point at which a drink becomes possible. Any day I believe I am cured or that I have the hang of this recovery stuff is a potential day that I will forget my 'Moment of Truth', for me to forget is to drink or drug once again. That my friends I cannot afford. I Love Life too much today to let that happen & I hope I always will. Please pray for my Gram, for her children & grand children, friends & fellows, that this time which God has made so confusing to so many can be recieved for what it is, as God's Will, and that all may see the good in what is happening & to come. Hold onto your moments, they are yours. Share them with others & enjoy life, remember. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy