Moment of Truth

November 30. Hey guys & gals, another day come & another day sober to put to rest. Tonight I had the honor of attending a celebration for one of my greatest friends 21st year in sobriety, Lady Kat congrats. While there a speaker relayed a strong worded & effective message that was well recieved by not only myself but many of the other majority of young people in attendance. I will speak more about this later, especially to note though is this, connecting w/ young people in sobriety is not that easy. This speaker made that seem like a simple task. Before going to the meeting I went to work, it was a long day but it seemed to move quickly because I kept myself busy tackling various projects around the shop that I wanted to get done this week. I made a bit more money than I had hoped too which was another pleasant suprise, but one suprise that was unpleasant was one that came early in the morning.. awakening me from my sleep. My mother got a phone call from the hospital where my Gram was staying at to fight dehydration. I awoken to the call & heard my mother repeating the facts back to the doctor on the line, the news was not good. For quite a while after this I listened as the woman who has been fighting this battle as hard as my Gram herself was being hit by the emotional blows, her composure failed as she made each call to the family. My Gram had to be put on machines to assist her breathing, a drip to assist her cardiovascular pattern that was no pattern at all, and later still she had to be leveled out with insulin due to poor blood sugar when she has never had these problems before in her life. My mother had to rush off before dawns rise to get to her mother's side, her strength coming evidently from her Higher Power because she has not rested in over a month because of these growing problems abroad. I had countless dreams afterwards & woke up each time to an empty house as my father had to go to work, selflessly taking up his duty as a husband & father to provide for us & help me stay ahead in my battles as well. The last dream I had was awoken by a phone call saying that I had to get up an hour early, things had taken a worse turn w/ Gram & my sisters needed to be w/ my mother. I do not grieve well in hospitals, because of this I chose to go where I could find my own strength at my shop operating my business. My day began with this, but my journey began quite a while ago when I was faced with my own alarming "call" if you will.. a MOMENT of truth.

Tonight's speaker shared a bit about realizing he had not looked himself in the face for 2 years prior to getting sober, I could relate to this piece he shared. In my active addiction the only time I could look at my face in the mirror was when I was taking a halucinagen & was so far gone that in my mind I did not see myself at all. Any given morning of my life for over a decade I did not & could not face to even up in a mirror, the person I was then had become something I did not desire, like, or more importantly love. I remember wondering for ages what in my life caused this to happen, what exactly turned me into this monster I was, because if I was born this way I certainly "flipped the switch" sometime before my mid teens. I say that because I remember feeling as a child like I had a good life, that I had friends & a good family, and that I fit in. But there was a moment, I today know that I began to drink & drug to escape my life & the first moment it began was when I lost my will to live.. shortly after I lost the love of my young life to a car accident. With that loss I also discarded my belief in a God of goodness & fairness, of balance in the world, and of the possibility of dreams becoming true. These all have taken me a long time in sobriety to regain, some still not fully but the pieces are finally returning. It has taken much time & may take the rest of my life to restore, what in one moment was lost deep within my soul & spirit. That task is something I am up for today, sobriety is at the foreground of my life & is the reason I have a life of worth & possibility today. I thank my Higher Power, God, for this & for being there even though I had given up on it's presence in my life for so many years. Back to a 'moment' now.

That moment I spoke of reduced me to despair & a downward spiral, hopeless & maturing into being my own worst enemy in life. No wonder I too did not want to look myself in the eyes, that mirror would show the reflection of my enemy, that would be like a free nation welcoming the company & presence of a dictatorship or communist nation. So now in sobriety it makes since, but back then I did not know why I hated myself, my higher power, and the world around me. I loved one thing, the thing that would allow me to escape myself, that world around me, and be numb enough to hide from my creator, drugs & alcohol was that thing. At the end of my years of falling apart, I had hit a bottom, one where I was no longer desiring to live & had no power over anything or my weaknesses. That bottom point of hopelessness was met by the last glimmer of hope in my spirit, that glimmer of hope at the black bottom of the pit was my 'Moment of Truth'. I could die & be happy, the suffering would be finished or I could seek out a solution; some way to recovery from this hopeless state of mind & body. In that moment I did not gain religion, nor sobriety in a flash of light, instead I gained a spiritual experience or an understanding in my soul for better words. That experience made me feel that things could get better, but how, by following the guidance & path of those who have successfully recovered. This bottom, the moment of truth, was the cause of my sobriety today. I will always remember my moment, sparing the details for another time, it was a significant piece of not only my life but those who love & know me. So the moments of truth today that come from others, even those I care about & love all the way down to the ones I don't care much for at all, they come to me with more acceptance & understanding. Finally having my own moment of truth, and working the Steps in my life, I am able to cope with the tangles & tragedies that we know as life. I am able to see the great parts of many things that happen, ones that others might see as a pure loss or disaster, those good parts I see keep my spiritual life above the point at which a drink becomes possible. Any day I believe I am cured or that I have the hang of this recovery stuff is a potential day that I will forget my 'Moment of Truth', for me to forget is to drink or drug once again. That my friends I cannot afford. I Love Life too much today to let that happen & I hope I always will. Please pray for my Gram, for her children & grand children, friends & fellows, that this time which God has made so confusing to so many can be recieved for what it is, as God's Will, and that all may see the good in what is happening & to come. Hold onto your moments, they are yours. Share them with others & enjoy life, remember. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy