June 10. Thirsty thursday is almost over & I managed not to give my alcoholism the drink it wants. Another thing it wants is for me to be dead, with the grace of my higher power it has not gotten that either. The highest tribute I can pay to it for the miracles in my life today is to die sober & join my higher power one day a free spirit. All that aside today was good. I had some bad dreams in the early morning & evidently my father calmed me some because he was up for work. I caught up on some sleep & in the afternoon got changed & went out with a friend for a while. We headed back home at 7 & I went to my usual meeting in hamlin, a great message & a great group of people as always were there. I came home to my father doing something above & beyond what most would see necessary in terms of helping his recovering son. For that all I am ever grateful for he & my mother being in my life, another way my higher power is working through people around me.. by giving me them.
The meetings topic tonight was "Change". The song 'Winds of Change" came to my mind, that serene whistling part between verses was always calming to me when I heard it. Then I thought about not the wind, but a gentle breeze. I got deep & considered my life up to this point, all the tests & trials. All the times when I was at my end for something to pull through & save me.. carried perhaps by the winds of change. Picture a hot day, say 100 degrees. Your outside working, maybe walking a far distance. On the verge of heat stroke or worse all of a sudden as an act of nature or perhaps our higher power, just in time a gentle breeze blows through. We are able to go on, relieved of the overpowering heat. That is alot like my life, things were getting hot & I was about to die, be it overdose or organ failure was a potential option as well back then. When I stopped to figure out how I could get out of this heat, my higher power sent that breeze, the winds of change to enter my life.
I have certainly changed, it was my only way to survive my disease. I tried for 14 years to change so much, all so that I could go on with the rest of my life in peace & happiness. I could not though. Nothing I tried or could think of would work. That is why I had to change everything, most importantly myself but also people, places, things, and the way I think. I had to use someone else's way of doing things, adpot it as my own & change in order to break free from my alcoholic mind that was taking me to a certain death. Doing it my way was broken, so it REQUIRED change. I had to model these changes after those who were successfully sober around me, those that would teach & share these changes with me.
In the end I have come a long way, all thanks to changes. Change is something that must be constant in my life, because I am not yet close to the person I wish to be. That's not to say that I am not a good person, I will let others be the judge of that for themselves, but I want to be better & better. So long as I continue to thrive off of change for the better, falling short still takes me inches closer to the person I wish to be. That person lives of spiritual means, to grow & help others, taking only for themselves the happiness given off by others & most of all sober & strong. I have an enemy within myself, an alcoholic of old that is cunning, baffling, & powerful. To change who is in control I must be able & willing to borrow the strength, tools, and ultimately the power from others who have it. My higher power, family, sponsor, support group, all my real friends, and all whom I have or will love in my lifetime.. I thank you for getting me this far, one more day sober, through each change may we get closer to our goals together. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Once Blurred, Now Focused - A Pair Of Glasses
June 09. We made it through wednesday, another day sober, spiritual, and doing our best. I hope that statement is as true for you all as it is for me. I made a discovery in my thinking today that I would like to share. It's more of a recognition of a "similarity" between my life & something else. First though I want to speak about my day. I started off early this morning, set off to enjoy my day after the sun came up & find a spiritual outlet. Accomplishing that didn't come easy at first. I got to spend the morning with people close to me & also got the honor of doing someone a favor that would never be possible without my being sober. Let's just say I helped someone in need, the specifics would be gloating & I am trying to remain humble about it. After the morning out I came home to relax & get out of the cold rainy day. I caught up on the season finale of my favorite tv show, Glee on Fox, and kept warm under a blanket. A few hours later I took an hour nap before dinner, fixing my cousin's computer, and heading out to a meeting.
The meeting was small, but the topic was big. At least for me it was. After thinking for quite some time about it & a conversatioin with my sponsor, a comparison of my life right now to something else amazing clicked in my head. Perhaps it was a spiritual recognition of sorts to exactly what miracles are occuring in my life today. Cutting to the chase, this thought came to mind. For 14 years I lived in active addicition, out of touch & focus with all things that normal people take for granted. Things like a favorite tv show, the beauty of nature, the warm feeling of a friend, the list of things that were oblivious to me goes on. All of these things were a blur, fuzzy pictures & out of focus for so long. Not immediately upon getting sober, but slowly & through compounding changes & efforts as well as my higher power's grace.. something occured. Before I say what, I want to go back to a story from my childhood.
I was a young boy in elementary school, sitting in a 2nd grade classroom, struggling to see what everyone else in life could so freely see... the chalk board, the room around me, the grass outside the windows, life in general as it pertains to visual means. We hadn't know it, because I was never used to seeing clearly, but I needed glasses. I could not see farther than a few feet in front of me, much like in my addiction, I could not see much or perhaps anything at all around me in the world. I don't mean in a optical sense, because that year in 2nd grade I got glasses. When I put them on I could suddenly read billboards, see the shape of clouds, copy notes from the chalkboard & see how pretty a girl looked with her sunday best on. In my addiction I could see visual things, but not spiritual or life enriching things. It was as though life itself was blurry & I was only getting bits & pieces, a fuzzy outlined shape of a clear picture. Sobriety has done for me the same amazing, colorful, and vital change that glasses did as a child. Only now I can see life's great things, those things worth cherishing & thanking my higher power for. Gratitude is something that is in focus with every once blurred spiritual event that used to pass by, now suddenly all so clear to me.
This comparison was not only made by me, some of the earliest members of AA wrote about it, but I never understood what was being spoken of until experiencing it for myself. I have a new set of glasses today, ones in which I can see the world for all it is & in all of its beautiful color & shape. I cannot imagine how I made it so far without creating means to end my miserable existance before, because going back there is not an option after experiencing life in this new focus. I must remain humble, teachable, and grateful one day at a time. To see things in the light of the spirit I must keep on my glasses that are sober & spiritual principles in my life & I must constantly get check ups to see if I need a stronger lens. By that I mean I must be willing to live open to others who have done what I have not yet been able to & that is experience on more day sober, alive, and well on this earth. And may all you be well enough one day to find your own glasses. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
The meeting was small, but the topic was big. At least for me it was. After thinking for quite some time about it & a conversatioin with my sponsor, a comparison of my life right now to something else amazing clicked in my head. Perhaps it was a spiritual recognition of sorts to exactly what miracles are occuring in my life today. Cutting to the chase, this thought came to mind. For 14 years I lived in active addicition, out of touch & focus with all things that normal people take for granted. Things like a favorite tv show, the beauty of nature, the warm feeling of a friend, the list of things that were oblivious to me goes on. All of these things were a blur, fuzzy pictures & out of focus for so long. Not immediately upon getting sober, but slowly & through compounding changes & efforts as well as my higher power's grace.. something occured. Before I say what, I want to go back to a story from my childhood.
I was a young boy in elementary school, sitting in a 2nd grade classroom, struggling to see what everyone else in life could so freely see... the chalk board, the room around me, the grass outside the windows, life in general as it pertains to visual means. We hadn't know it, because I was never used to seeing clearly, but I needed glasses. I could not see farther than a few feet in front of me, much like in my addiction, I could not see much or perhaps anything at all around me in the world. I don't mean in a optical sense, because that year in 2nd grade I got glasses. When I put them on I could suddenly read billboards, see the shape of clouds, copy notes from the chalkboard & see how pretty a girl looked with her sunday best on. In my addiction I could see visual things, but not spiritual or life enriching things. It was as though life itself was blurry & I was only getting bits & pieces, a fuzzy outlined shape of a clear picture. Sobriety has done for me the same amazing, colorful, and vital change that glasses did as a child. Only now I can see life's great things, those things worth cherishing & thanking my higher power for. Gratitude is something that is in focus with every once blurred spiritual event that used to pass by, now suddenly all so clear to me.
This comparison was not only made by me, some of the earliest members of AA wrote about it, but I never understood what was being spoken of until experiencing it for myself. I have a new set of glasses today, ones in which I can see the world for all it is & in all of its beautiful color & shape. I cannot imagine how I made it so far without creating means to end my miserable existance before, because going back there is not an option after experiencing life in this new focus. I must remain humble, teachable, and grateful one day at a time. To see things in the light of the spirit I must keep on my glasses that are sober & spiritual principles in my life & I must constantly get check ups to see if I need a stronger lens. By that I mean I must be willing to live open to others who have done what I have not yet been able to & that is experience on more day sober, alive, and well on this earth. And may all you be well enough one day to find your own glasses. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Inner Peace - The Search For Serenity
June 08. Hey guys & girls, Tuesday is coming to an end & another 24 hours sober is accumulating in my life. When you stop counting days & start living in today, just staying sober one day at a time & growing spiritually one step at a time, life starts to become more peaceful. I was up early from lack of sleep & a few bad dreams, so I decided to stay up until mom left to follow her for the weekly gas fill-up. She headed off for the day & I came back home to try & rest. I ended up turning on the tv (the satelite was broken this morning & I had to fix it at 7AM) to watch something as I settled in. I got into watching a program that I was very interested in & before I knew it I was awake another 4 hours. Finally I got to sleep & more dreams woke me up. Mom came home & I took another shot at a powernap, this time making it until dinner was ready. Shortly after it was time to clean up & head out to my usual meeting. I got there & a girl brought up a topic that I wanted to speak about tonight. Afterwards I spent an hour with a friend in the parking lot, sometimes the meeting after the meeting is the most spiritually rewarding. On this day it was both that were equally valuable to my sober & spiritual growth.
The topic at the meeting was obtaining your "Inner Peace" & how vital & easy it can be for lasting happiness in life. It talked about how peace is not simply quiet & calm times, but a state of existance that is assuring, relaxing, and enjoyable even in the most volitile environments. I immediately associated this concept with the Serenity Prayer & the entire concept of having serenity in my life. Its something that must be worked for & in many cases that I must let go of many things to achieve. The 12 Steps are helping me do that & most days at least for an hour I feel that sense of Serenity or Inner Peace in my life. I can only imagine that with more work & the application of further spiritual principles in all my affairs, that one day I will experience a solid & continuous presence of peace & serenity in my life. If I aim for that goal, I can only accomplish more & fall short a mostly happy man in life. Which would be miles above the bar I had set during active addiciton, which was to die a pathetic death to end my suffering.
"The Search For Serenity" is the bottom line, and it's also a book written by Presnall. The front cover of that book says 'A Helpful Guide For Anyone Seeking Peace of Mind In This Troubled World Of Tensions - Pressures - Fears'. I am not sure if a manual can describe all the methods for me being free of those gloom & doom parts of me, but it can certainly give me tools to work with my higher power to be rid of them eventually. I see so many who have completed the Steps & worked on themselves in a state of peace & serenity with themselves, their higher power, and the world around them. It is that exact state they live in that gives me hope that I too can achieve it. When I say the Serenity Prayer I daily ask my higher power to grant me Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom. All for the sake of being a better individual, not for selfish reasons, but to do it's work & help other human beings.
I believe that if my goal is Serenity, and it is granted in turn for being of service & help to others, than the way to get Peace in my life is to do just that.. help & serve others in a manner that my higher power would have me. I must turn my selfish ambitions & rampant will run wild over to my higher power, and take on it's will that is pure, calming, and peaceful. When I eliminate my self-seeking defects, all that exists is for others in this world, the more I can be without them, the more worldly & peaceful I can be. So the 12 Steps become ever more necessary in my life, because without them & my higher power I cannot be rid of all those bondages of self. So when we are looking for peace at the end of the day, let us all look to others for it, to look within ourself for happiness & serenity we will only find it when we are rid of self & truly doing our Higher Power's work for others. May your life be filled with Joy, Peace, & Serenity. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
The topic at the meeting was obtaining your "Inner Peace" & how vital & easy it can be for lasting happiness in life. It talked about how peace is not simply quiet & calm times, but a state of existance that is assuring, relaxing, and enjoyable even in the most volitile environments. I immediately associated this concept with the Serenity Prayer & the entire concept of having serenity in my life. Its something that must be worked for & in many cases that I must let go of many things to achieve. The 12 Steps are helping me do that & most days at least for an hour I feel that sense of Serenity or Inner Peace in my life. I can only imagine that with more work & the application of further spiritual principles in all my affairs, that one day I will experience a solid & continuous presence of peace & serenity in my life. If I aim for that goal, I can only accomplish more & fall short a mostly happy man in life. Which would be miles above the bar I had set during active addiciton, which was to die a pathetic death to end my suffering.
"The Search For Serenity" is the bottom line, and it's also a book written by Presnall. The front cover of that book says 'A Helpful Guide For Anyone Seeking Peace of Mind In This Troubled World Of Tensions - Pressures - Fears'. I am not sure if a manual can describe all the methods for me being free of those gloom & doom parts of me, but it can certainly give me tools to work with my higher power to be rid of them eventually. I see so many who have completed the Steps & worked on themselves in a state of peace & serenity with themselves, their higher power, and the world around them. It is that exact state they live in that gives me hope that I too can achieve it. When I say the Serenity Prayer I daily ask my higher power to grant me Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom. All for the sake of being a better individual, not for selfish reasons, but to do it's work & help other human beings.
I believe that if my goal is Serenity, and it is granted in turn for being of service & help to others, than the way to get Peace in my life is to do just that.. help & serve others in a manner that my higher power would have me. I must turn my selfish ambitions & rampant will run wild over to my higher power, and take on it's will that is pure, calming, and peaceful. When I eliminate my self-seeking defects, all that exists is for others in this world, the more I can be without them, the more worldly & peaceful I can be. So the 12 Steps become ever more necessary in my life, because without them & my higher power I cannot be rid of all those bondages of self. So when we are looking for peace at the end of the day, let us all look to others for it, to look within ourself for happiness & serenity we will only find it when we are rid of self & truly doing our Higher Power's work for others. May your life be filled with Joy, Peace, & Serenity. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Monday, June 7, 2010
Family Recovery - We Don't Do This Alone
June 07. A happy & peaceful monday night to you all, friends! I hope the week started well for everyone. I couldn't have asked for a better day, any 24 hours that I live without a drink or a drug is far better than my best day high or drunk. I am glad that I can see that today without a shadow of any doubt. It was officially my nephew's 5th birthday today & since I could not make his party yesterday because of work, I took him & his sister out for ice cream before my meeting tonight. They both had a great time & I think I enjoyed it more than them. There is no pleasure better than bringing pleasure to others, except maybe when everyone is happy with the results. After a great visit with them & big hugs it was time to go. I got to the meeting at MARS Group & our normal friend who runs the group was late, so I took the reins & started the meeting. Midway through the introductory readings she arrived & it was business as usual for the remainder of the meeting. Alot of good topics & solutions were discussed, in the end an educating & enlightening meeting for us all.
After that I stopped to see my sponsor & a few friends, dropped a guy off who needed a ride, and came home to my parents watching a movie about the woman who started Al-Anon. Seeing them watching it was a beautiful sight, the more awareness & education they have about alcoholism & how far it really reaches is very important. The disease does not just afflict the alcoholic, but the families, friends, employers, and all who encounter them on all levels. Some of the damage can never be fixed, but those who are open to learn more can also learn spiritually how to be forgiving, understanding, and do alot less enabling should a person fall victim again. It's so important that there be people out there spreading the word, not only to alcoholics, but to family & friends as well. The solutions do not only work in addict's life, but in all people's lives who will recieve them.
I am forever grateful for the founders of the 12 Step fellowships, those who started Al-Anon & the road of recovery for family & friends of alcoholics, and any who share the message of hope & strength with others. Without them many would be hopeless, because truth is if we are not alcoholic ourselves we at least know a few who are. Without understanding of the disease & how it works we cannot learn to forgive them as they recover, nor how to stop enabling them if they do not. The insight from programs that help families & friends have saved people from divorce, abuse, and from spiritual blockages in their life. It can change the whole perspective of things, almost opening the door to another dimension of understanding. How would it feel if we went through this world being understood by no one, but having no one else in advocacy of our situation, our composition, of anything that makes us who we are or were. We would have no reason for our poorest actions & no purpose for our best ones.
In recovery I have come to identify many in my life who are spiritually sick, alcoholic, co-dependant, or bear some form of spiritual hardships that make them less of the person they could, should, and want to be. It is through the many who carry the message to not only the sick & suffering but the family, friends, and others afflicted that make it possible to understand & heal along side the one's absorbed. So much clicks in my mind having an understanding of the why, how, and such causes for so many mistakes that not only I myself, but others have made in spiritual bankrupted moments in my life & theirs. I am so much happier today living sober & spiritual & so many others can be too. If we are willing to learn, accept, and apply spiritual principles as well as the lessons of truth about alcohlism & other spiritual diseases we can be happier than ever before with less than we've ever had. From the kitchens & living rooms of the homes of other addicts & alcoholics to the ears and eyes of the whole world.. carry that message with you to others. You never know who's life you may change for the better. Thanks. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
After that I stopped to see my sponsor & a few friends, dropped a guy off who needed a ride, and came home to my parents watching a movie about the woman who started Al-Anon. Seeing them watching it was a beautiful sight, the more awareness & education they have about alcoholism & how far it really reaches is very important. The disease does not just afflict the alcoholic, but the families, friends, employers, and all who encounter them on all levels. Some of the damage can never be fixed, but those who are open to learn more can also learn spiritually how to be forgiving, understanding, and do alot less enabling should a person fall victim again. It's so important that there be people out there spreading the word, not only to alcoholics, but to family & friends as well. The solutions do not only work in addict's life, but in all people's lives who will recieve them.
I am forever grateful for the founders of the 12 Step fellowships, those who started Al-Anon & the road of recovery for family & friends of alcoholics, and any who share the message of hope & strength with others. Without them many would be hopeless, because truth is if we are not alcoholic ourselves we at least know a few who are. Without understanding of the disease & how it works we cannot learn to forgive them as they recover, nor how to stop enabling them if they do not. The insight from programs that help families & friends have saved people from divorce, abuse, and from spiritual blockages in their life. It can change the whole perspective of things, almost opening the door to another dimension of understanding. How would it feel if we went through this world being understood by no one, but having no one else in advocacy of our situation, our composition, of anything that makes us who we are or were. We would have no reason for our poorest actions & no purpose for our best ones.
In recovery I have come to identify many in my life who are spiritually sick, alcoholic, co-dependant, or bear some form of spiritual hardships that make them less of the person they could, should, and want to be. It is through the many who carry the message to not only the sick & suffering but the family, friends, and others afflicted that make it possible to understand & heal along side the one's absorbed. So much clicks in my mind having an understanding of the why, how, and such causes for so many mistakes that not only I myself, but others have made in spiritual bankrupted moments in my life & theirs. I am so much happier today living sober & spiritual & so many others can be too. If we are willing to learn, accept, and apply spiritual principles as well as the lessons of truth about alcohlism & other spiritual diseases we can be happier than ever before with less than we've ever had. From the kitchens & living rooms of the homes of other addicts & alcoholics to the ears and eyes of the whole world.. carry that message with you to others. You never know who's life you may change for the better. Thanks. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Do Right - By Any & All?
June 06. Well friends my long weekend is over & it wasn't all that bad, I hope yours was good too. Business was steady but of course some expenses came up to dip into profits, but then again I have a goal of having "too much" merchandise for my available space. Until I reach that I am willing to sacrifice profits to keep adding more items. The new displays were well recieved by all my customers & they simply looked beautiful. In alot of ways its whats been missing form the setup for a long time, but the opportunity to get them at the right price wasn't available until recently. I really have to thank my parents for making it all happen. They have been there to help me get my start in this, to help me break of from partners & go solo, and recently to help me take advantage of the hundreds of dollars worth of displays for a fraction of the price. Without them I would really be struggling right now, who knows maybe I would not be where I am spiritually or mentally without their love & support in all I do. The reason I have that support in my life now that was missing in the past is because today I "Do Right By Any & All". That includes my higher power, friends, family, customers, and even complete strangers.
There was a time when I could not always "Do Right", I had been under the command of my deadly & debilitating alcoholism. It would cause me to do only for myself, or what I felt was right for myself. That most often would mean to take advantage of other people's time, money, and emotions so that I could get drunk or high and feed my growing addiction. I have stolen & justified it in my mind because the active craving in my body & mind said I "needed" it. I have lied to protect & keep secret my disease, like a person lies about someone they are dating to keep the relationship from being destroyed or damaged by others, we often see this in teenage relationships when parents say "you can't date her/him". I have cheated & broken every rule, pushed every boundry to the limit & even broke through many just to acquire what was necessary to feed my addiction, just to feel worth living for the few short moments or hours the intoxication lasted. All of the despicable things & more were done for the sake of my disease,the whole time an inner part of me wanted to do right & suffering as something & someone else ran the life I didn't know how to live.
Today put my best effort forward I work hard, through the principles in the 12 Steps & countless suggestions from spiritual people I admire. I will continue to take up this challenge of lasting change even when it comes as a struggle, for doing the right thing allows my conscience to rest completely. Although my mind may be put to the test to do what was abnormal for the past 14 years my heart & conscience instantly approve of the process. There is a satisfaction that only constant effort can produce when it comes to "Doing Right". It doesn't come the first time, or the hundreth time, but it comes & once it does it occurs all the time. The gratitude I have for my higher power not only because of it's helping me, but also showing me what it means to do right, is an immeasurable amount of gratitude. Its as immeasurable as my will today to do good in a world which I once took for granted in all aspects. So when we have the opportunity to "Do Right By Any & All" will we? Even if the promise of joy & gratitude is not fullfilled will we still blindly take on the task of doing good or will we represent selfishness & the likes of alcohlism, addiction, and exactly what is the wrong way to live. Thanks for bloggging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
There was a time when I could not always "Do Right", I had been under the command of my deadly & debilitating alcoholism. It would cause me to do only for myself, or what I felt was right for myself. That most often would mean to take advantage of other people's time, money, and emotions so that I could get drunk or high and feed my growing addiction. I have stolen & justified it in my mind because the active craving in my body & mind said I "needed" it. I have lied to protect & keep secret my disease, like a person lies about someone they are dating to keep the relationship from being destroyed or damaged by others, we often see this in teenage relationships when parents say "you can't date her/him". I have cheated & broken every rule, pushed every boundry to the limit & even broke through many just to acquire what was necessary to feed my addiction, just to feel worth living for the few short moments or hours the intoxication lasted. All of the despicable things & more were done for the sake of my disease,the whole time an inner part of me wanted to do right & suffering as something & someone else ran the life I didn't know how to live.
Today put my best effort forward I work hard, through the principles in the 12 Steps & countless suggestions from spiritual people I admire. I will continue to take up this challenge of lasting change even when it comes as a struggle, for doing the right thing allows my conscience to rest completely. Although my mind may be put to the test to do what was abnormal for the past 14 years my heart & conscience instantly approve of the process. There is a satisfaction that only constant effort can produce when it comes to "Doing Right". It doesn't come the first time, or the hundreth time, but it comes & once it does it occurs all the time. The gratitude I have for my higher power not only because of it's helping me, but also showing me what it means to do right, is an immeasurable amount of gratitude. Its as immeasurable as my will today to do good in a world which I once took for granted in all aspects. So when we have the opportunity to "Do Right By Any & All" will we? Even if the promise of joy & gratitude is not fullfilled will we still blindly take on the task of doing good or will we represent selfishness & the likes of alcohlism, addiction, and exactly what is the wrong way to live. Thanks for bloggging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Saturday, June 5, 2010
June 05. Hey friends, its early Saturday morning & I have to go run my store in a few hours. That isn't stopping me though from logging in to share my spiritual experiences & trials for the day. I constantly find this outlet to be more than relief even after the longest days. Although I may not sleep much yet, I do sleep better knowing that I have put my journey down as words. I went out in the morning with my cousin then relaxed for about an hour before going to meet a friend for a deposit on merchandise. By the time I got back I had about another half hour before it was time for our typical friday dinner out with mom & dad. Although they botched the pizza tonight, which is unusual for the place, the time spent was still as great as ever. Afterwards I went to my home group meeting early, I was the chairman for the meeting & had to set up & make coffee etc. Some regular group members showed up & the task was made much simpler as they were eager to help. Service work is something that many of us, who are commited to sober & spiritual living, jump on in a heartbeat.
The meeting went on & we did a reading on the sixth tradition, which wasn't talked about much after because someone had a problem with "carrying the message" & how far of lengths one should go. I related to the topic because altough there are many I would like to help, I cannot do everything for most or mostly everything. In the end it matters how spiritually & mentally fed up a perosn must before they change or seek solutions, we simply cannot control that only guide it when willingness is shown. That however is not my main topic, I had been lost in thought from the middle of the topic discussion to the conclusion of the meeting. I had truly had be "shrunk" spiritually & in confidence of my capabilities toward helping another. Doubt & a mere mild form of contentment was all that seemed to rest on my shoulders, that was until I got outside myself & realized that I can do something about it, like I can all my other spiritual ailments.
So I had decided up on closing up the meeting & building we hold it in, I would go for a ride, my mission to sort through these feelings and accept their roots individually. I drove for a few hour exploring my mind, clustered with feelings of powerlessness over certain others I with to help. But there as also a glint of gratitdue for what I was able to accomplish through others just trying to help me. Ever convinced after a short time that it's not worrk tthing up at alom
The meeting went on & we did a reading on the sixth tradition, which wasn't talked about much after because someone had a problem with "carrying the message" & how far of lengths one should go. I related to the topic because altough there are many I would like to help, I cannot do everything for most or mostly everything. In the end it matters how spiritually & mentally fed up a perosn must before they change or seek solutions, we simply cannot control that only guide it when willingness is shown. That however is not my main topic, I had been lost in thought from the middle of the topic discussion to the conclusion of the meeting. I had truly had be "shrunk" spiritually & in confidence of my capabilities toward helping another. Doubt & a mere mild form of contentment was all that seemed to rest on my shoulders, that was until I got outside myself & realized that I can do something about it, like I can all my other spiritual ailments.
So I had decided up on closing up the meeting & building we hold it in, I would go for a ride, my mission to sort through these feelings and accept their roots individually. I drove for a few hour exploring my mind, clustered with feelings of powerlessness over certain others I with to help. But there as also a glint of gratitdue for what I was able to accomplish through others just trying to help me. Ever convinced after a short time that it's not worrk tthing up at alom
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Daily Reflection - Looking Back For The Right Reasons
June 03. Hey my friends hope you all had a peaceful & happy thursday. My day was just fine but I didn't feel great early in the morning hours. Since I lost sleep I later slept in, but around 5AM my Dad woke up for work. Upon investigation & hearing a noise he ran outside, only to find that the pump in the Coi Pond was blocked & had pumped all the water out overnight. To a sad discovery there lay the fish with their bodies exposed to the open night air, heads barely buried in an inch or two of water that was left. These fish are large, no huge fish, bigger than any I've caught in my years fishing. They are not only great pets & loved by all who see them, they are innocent animals that were caught in an unfortunate situation of mechanical failure. We immediately started putting water back in via the garden hose in hopes to save the poor creatures, one moved slightly & the rest seemed to be all but gone. I truly said a prayer, knowing how much my dad's heart would hurt & how devestated my mom would be after raising these from small babies. God must have heard my cries & answered, perhaps a thanks to the good things I've been doing lately, because the fish came out of their unconsious state & began to swim.
That was my morning, in the end the fish were fine & my prayers were answered. My mom upon waking up initially did not even know of the happening as my Dad & I took care of it as to not worry her prematurely. I slept in and later my nephew & niece showed up to be babysat. I was up & getting ready to shower as my mom was leaving to take them home, when I got out my dad was arriving & it was time to eat & leave for my meeting. I had forgotten that I wanted to be early to do some group Librarian work, but after a great meeting with a good speaker I eneded up staying late & getting it done anyway. So now I am home, reflecting on the day & a few important things I noticed about it. Everything that comes to mind tonight is a reminder for me of how it was & how much I've changed.
In those many years of addiction, I not only would not have rushed out to help my dad with the pond, I would not have really cared if the poor fish died. My mother's & father's feelins would not have been a concnern, because the little things in life were oblivious to me. I had no concept of what mattered to people & nothing small made a difference for me in my own life so I was unable to see a concept of simple pleasures. Everything was a complex & corrupting process of intoxication for pleasure & the numbing of feelings, even love & compassion. Today I have undergone a change, all thanks to Sober & Spiritual living, as well thanks to my Higher Power whom I pray to often. Its these changes in me that tell me every day when I wake up that I can stay sober for just one more day, afterall I have overcome the phenominon of craving & the obsession in early Sobriety for the most part. I often look back at the clueless & selfish addict/alcoholic I was & wonder how I even got there, with so much feeling & life in me today its hard to see how it happened. But I get small clues, that lead me to the answers.
Those answers really aren't necessary and I can't dwell on them, but it is surely nice to gain enlightenment & know more. The most important thing is that I truly love myself for who I am today, the often helpful & definitely caring person I have become. The little things seem a little more obvious, I no longer only pay attention to other's deepest pleasures on to to fulfill my own. Today I care about others as much as I care about myself, sometimes even more. I know that without Sobriety in my life & Spiritual Lines in which to grow upon, this is all but a temporary phase of my life. If I want it to continue & last forever then I must continue to work the 12 Steps in my life daily & to connect with & help others, even non-alcohlics. If I can die one day being known for something, it would be someone who overcame the odds & changed for the better of living life with & for others to find the happiness I have found. Call me an advocate of the peace within, or a sponsor of spirituality, I wish the life I have today on all, when the life I had before I would not curse on my worst enemy. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
That was my morning, in the end the fish were fine & my prayers were answered. My mom upon waking up initially did not even know of the happening as my Dad & I took care of it as to not worry her prematurely. I slept in and later my nephew & niece showed up to be babysat. I was up & getting ready to shower as my mom was leaving to take them home, when I got out my dad was arriving & it was time to eat & leave for my meeting. I had forgotten that I wanted to be early to do some group Librarian work, but after a great meeting with a good speaker I eneded up staying late & getting it done anyway. So now I am home, reflecting on the day & a few important things I noticed about it. Everything that comes to mind tonight is a reminder for me of how it was & how much I've changed.
In those many years of addiction, I not only would not have rushed out to help my dad with the pond, I would not have really cared if the poor fish died. My mother's & father's feelins would not have been a concnern, because the little things in life were oblivious to me. I had no concept of what mattered to people & nothing small made a difference for me in my own life so I was unable to see a concept of simple pleasures. Everything was a complex & corrupting process of intoxication for pleasure & the numbing of feelings, even love & compassion. Today I have undergone a change, all thanks to Sober & Spiritual living, as well thanks to my Higher Power whom I pray to often. Its these changes in me that tell me every day when I wake up that I can stay sober for just one more day, afterall I have overcome the phenominon of craving & the obsession in early Sobriety for the most part. I often look back at the clueless & selfish addict/alcoholic I was & wonder how I even got there, with so much feeling & life in me today its hard to see how it happened. But I get small clues, that lead me to the answers.
Those answers really aren't necessary and I can't dwell on them, but it is surely nice to gain enlightenment & know more. The most important thing is that I truly love myself for who I am today, the often helpful & definitely caring person I have become. The little things seem a little more obvious, I no longer only pay attention to other's deepest pleasures on to to fulfill my own. Today I care about others as much as I care about myself, sometimes even more. I know that without Sobriety in my life & Spiritual Lines in which to grow upon, this is all but a temporary phase of my life. If I want it to continue & last forever then I must continue to work the 12 Steps in my life daily & to connect with & help others, even non-alcohlics. If I can die one day being known for something, it would be someone who overcame the odds & changed for the better of living life with & for others to find the happiness I have found. Call me an advocate of the peace within, or a sponsor of spirituality, I wish the life I have today on all, when the life I had before I would not curse on my worst enemy. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
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