August 30. Hello friends & my spiritual family. I hope everyone's monday started off great. I didn't have the same luck but fortunately I stayed sober despite myself & my alcoholic thinking. To elaborate a bit, it was a long weekend with very low revenue at the jewelry shop & I bought an expensive electric cigarette for health & conveinence. I ended up spending more on jewelry & that e-cig than I brought in both days being open. Being set back a little financial is something we all deal with time to time & it wasn't what made my monday so bad, it was waking up feeling a bit sick after a long weekend that made it not so desirable. I forced myself to eat dinner before leaving the house & venturing off to Dallas Pa, hoping to find a clubhouse where a celebration meeting was going on for a friend. I got into the area but despite all my efforts using a map, gps, and my phone for directions to find the place it seemed to be nowhere. When the meeting was more than half over I started to walk up & down the street it was supposed to be on & checked every door. Unfortunately I never found the meeting & when I got back to my car there were just minutes left to find it before its conclusion, I headed back home & stopped off at another meeting that was going on in my hometown. I needed a meeting of some sort & to be surrounded by good sober people & it did the trick, my spirits were lifted greatly & my outlook on my monday picked up. I even started to feel better after a cup of coffee & talking with other addicts & alcoholics in recovery. After a day like today it's important for me to write, so I might as well pick a topic to talk about now that my day is up to speed.
I have been thinking alot lately about the future, what will come next, long term goals, and all the sorts of things we think about from tomorrow to ten years down the road. There is alot of good that can come from planning & thinking ahead, but for alcoholics there is a thin line between doing just that and "Projecting" or "Planning With Expectations". There is grave danger in doing either of the latter. The danger comes from dissapointment, depression, or resentment that comes from projecting or expecting certain results. This down & out feeling that can form is nothing new to us, we felt it often when in our active addictions, but it's danger is that it can lead us to a drink or drug & quickly if we are not spiritually fit/involved in a program to maintain our sober & spiritual condition. In my own sober journey I have begun to dream & ponder the future, I have two ideas in business that I would love nothing more than to see work out. I have social goals with people & even some that extend into a kind of perpetual "love life". All of these goals & ideals are things that I cannot achieve by just good behavior & spiritual development, some are affected by finance, luck, and in some cases by another human being having the same ideals as me. If I cling too tightly to any goals other than the spiritual kind, I might be setting myself up for failure. That failure can translate into a relapse if I am not doing what I am supposed to as a person in recovery. I see failed adventures in people's lives take them out to the gin mills & dark alleys over & over again. I even felt some of it during my own active alcoholism, diving deeper into chemicals as dissapointments got worse.
There is a solution however. A healthy way which one can balance valid dreams & goals with the reality that we can expect nothing to be easy or to happen as we wish. The balance lies in spiritual maintenence & growth, mainly through the 12 Steps and equally in the fellowships that adopt them. Working for & with others in service, such as sponsorship or volunteering your time & abilities for someone to get well, ahead, or back on track. Doing spiritual works of any kind will help us ensure that our own shortcomings will not consume us like they did in the past. We can do something about it & we don't have to sacrifice our dreams or goals to do it. I don't intend to personally shoot for the stars with my life, but if I land just short of there I know I can be reasonably happy if I work a program like the many who are teaching me do. Projecting is an unnecessary negative in the whole process of creating & achieving goals, learning to go on without it is the difficult part. It's something we do from the simplest events all the way up to our deepest dreams, I would like to share a few examples in my own life. I had a wedding to attend, I was going alone with no date & no sober friend to stay "grounded". I felt like being around all the couples was going to be depressing in my single status, and that being around everyone with an open bar would make me not fit in staying sober for the event. I projected it to be a disaster & it ended up being just fine. I survived three hours of the event without thinking of a drink, good friends keeping me company the entire time & distracted so I didn't have to notice that I was one of the very few who attended stag & without a date. It was a fun three hours of sober & spiritual laughter spent with good people, but I projected a disaster & almost didnt go. I would have missed a once in a lifetime event for that friend who got married. Another example of projection for me was with my business. I had assumed that a specific weekend was going to be great for sales & that I was going to be able to accomplish some certain things the following week. It ended up being one of the worst weekends I had ever had for sales, and I spent more than I made on improving my inventory. The end result was I had to miss out on some things I planned to do during the week & got my head all messed up thinking I was a failure as a business man. Being the farthest thing from the truth, a week after doing some spiritual work on myself sales picked back up & I no longer felt that way. Again, projecting in both events was something I was better off without.
We are all better off without projecting, even if we are not alcoholic, it does us little good if any at all.. ever. This does not go to say we shouldn't plan ahead or appropriately, or that we should not have goals or dreams. We SHOULD. Being prepared & ambitious about the future is surely a good thing, but there is that fine line between expecting & anticipating. It's through working the 12 Steps in our lives daily & applying them to all the areas we exist that will give us the ability to prepare & dream without projection. To handle it spiritually when things don't go our way or as planned, and never have to worry about resentment, depression, or dissapointment creeping back into our lives & leading us to a drink or drug. That is why we live the motto "One Day At A Time", because it keeps us where we can do our best work. Right Here, Right Now, Today.. Sober & Spiritual. I look forward to growing the skills I need in life to be drug & alcohol free forever, but until then I will do exactly what I need to do today to stay sober & spiritual. As my life falls back together one piece at a time, I hope that we all grow together & our dreams grow too. We can get a little closer to achieving our goals if we just keep it simple & live one day at a time. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Maintaining Sobriety
August 27. Happy Friday morning everyone. I hope your week is winding down with satisfaction. If you don't yet feel that way, try doing something for somebody else, then doing something for yourself.. you deserve it. One of the many great things I've gotten to experience this month is doing service work. It's one of the main things that has kept me connected & grounded in the fellowships & sobriety. I have done alot of things in my life, good & bad, but nothing is as satisfying as knowing that someone else is gaining progress in making their life better. Getting to contribute to that feels twice as good. I spent my thursday catching up on much needed sleep & then heading out to my usual meeting. We had an awesome speaker & a great meeting, followed by a quick & simple group business meeting. The topic that I heard there reminded me of some things in my life that I shouldn't be taking for granted or skipping out on. The topic was "How do you Maintain your Sobriety?". The answers that came next by the group were many, but all of them were similar. One lasting theme was among the general concenus of all those who have been sober at least a year or longer, but a few who have had the longest terms of sobriety spoke up about something more than the rest had mentioned.
To stay sober is not a simple feat, afterall we are different from others in that we cannot stop ourselves & we cannot figure out why others can. There may never be an explaination but it IS a reality we must live with or die if we choose not to accept it. Getting sober is nothing short of a miracle, I know because it took many great people & events to occur for mine to be possible, which can only have been orchestrated by a higher power. My Higher Power. The Prayer, Readings, Inventory, Sponsorship, and Meetings that everyone spoke of were all the common threads that new & old in sobriety had agreed were necessary parts of maintaining a spiritually good life free of drugs & alcohol. The difference was though, that people who were sober a long time, the BIG YEARS, they had something more to add... The 12 Steps. To boot they added they must be worked to completion & reapplied to one's life daily, weekly, for a lifetime. This & only this in combintation with a Higher Power & the rest of the mentioned tools could keep us sober forever. But we truly never need to stay sober longer than just today.. that we all have learned, or will learn in time. Those 12 Steps are said to make the difference in every successful alcoholics conversion to sober & stable life. If this is the case I question myself, Why do I make it so hard for myself to complete these steps & submit to the will of the program. And to answer myself, I am actually fully willing but I am fearful. Of what is something I must figure out, the pain or fear might be a possibility, or of losing myself once again is another. I must endure pain & overcome fear, because I believe what these old timers say, The 12 Steps WILL make or break my sobriety & are the only true way to maintain it forever.. one day at a time. I encourage anyone who plans on living a day longer than today, consider what there is to gain & what your already losing out on, if you have not completed the 12 Steps; even if you are not alcoholic; find someone to take you through them & join me in the pathway to peace & freedom in your life. Together we can achieve this, it is promised & I am personally going to try. :) Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
To stay sober is not a simple feat, afterall we are different from others in that we cannot stop ourselves & we cannot figure out why others can. There may never be an explaination but it IS a reality we must live with or die if we choose not to accept it. Getting sober is nothing short of a miracle, I know because it took many great people & events to occur for mine to be possible, which can only have been orchestrated by a higher power. My Higher Power. The Prayer, Readings, Inventory, Sponsorship, and Meetings that everyone spoke of were all the common threads that new & old in sobriety had agreed were necessary parts of maintaining a spiritually good life free of drugs & alcohol. The difference was though, that people who were sober a long time, the BIG YEARS, they had something more to add... The 12 Steps. To boot they added they must be worked to completion & reapplied to one's life daily, weekly, for a lifetime. This & only this in combintation with a Higher Power & the rest of the mentioned tools could keep us sober forever. But we truly never need to stay sober longer than just today.. that we all have learned, or will learn in time. Those 12 Steps are said to make the difference in every successful alcoholics conversion to sober & stable life. If this is the case I question myself, Why do I make it so hard for myself to complete these steps & submit to the will of the program. And to answer myself, I am actually fully willing but I am fearful. Of what is something I must figure out, the pain or fear might be a possibility, or of losing myself once again is another. I must endure pain & overcome fear, because I believe what these old timers say, The 12 Steps WILL make or break my sobriety & are the only true way to maintain it forever.. one day at a time. I encourage anyone who plans on living a day longer than today, consider what there is to gain & what your already losing out on, if you have not completed the 12 Steps; even if you are not alcoholic; find someone to take you through them & join me in the pathway to peace & freedom in your life. Together we can achieve this, it is promised & I am personally going to try. :) Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
FEAR - F&*k Everything And Run OR Face Everything And Recover
August 24. Hello friends I hope Tuesday was good for you, in three minutes it's another day come & gone for me. Sobriety has given me so many new liberties that I never had while in active addiction & I am so grateful for them all. I am equally eager for new ones to emerge. I have had a few weeks of indecisiveness & insecurity, which has caused me to write very little in this blog. The most important part of it all is that I remained sober & plugged into the source of spiritual improvement in my life which is my higher power & the 12 Steps as well. My family has been nothing but patient & tolerant of me during this off peroid for me & I never expected to be clueless still when I am well into my second year of sobriety. But alas, here I am wandering the world with a simple purpose for now. As simple as the purpose is, to stay sober & grow in spirit, it is not an easy one. One of my many stumbling blocks is my Fourth Step & I have been battling myself internally to complete it by putting pen to paper or fingers to the keys. It's my current & immediate goal besides surviving another day without alcohol or drugs & I will be successful with the help of my friends, family, sponsor & higher power. Some have said, "When the pain gets to be great enough, you will do that fourth step & do it thoroughly". I will indeed do it no other way, because it is the step which does my 'housecleaning' or more for me, the cleansing of my soul & spiritual life. I will not be running my jewelry shop tomorrow because of bad weather in our area, so I plan to take a little time out on a journey to do two things. The first is to enjoy myself & do something I enjoy to do sober, the second is to look deeply within at all that is hindering my spiritual progress from both past & present so that I can write it in my fourth step & pray for its removal in my future.
There is a great topic I want to talk about tonight, one that was mentioned at the meeting I went to. That topic is "FEAR" and how it affects us. There were two slogans that were spoken about fear at the meeting & without offending anyone I wish to repeat them. The first is what we alcoholics do most often, when we are still sick or when we have not yet cleaned our side of the street with the fourth, eight & ninth steps. F_ck Everything And Run... FEAR. The second is what we are able to later do, when we have developed the spiritual soundness we seek & when we have the help of others in our lives. Face Everything And Recover... FEAR. There is a significant difference between these two just as there is the same huge difference between us in active addiction & in sobriety. Doing a thorough fourth step allows us to address & face all of our legitimate fears, later turning them over to our higher power for removal. Its through constant work & growth that this is possible, I have not yet amassed enough works to achieve this myself but I am told that its a glorious transformation in our lives when we do. Fear is something that affects me daily. Some days more than others, but always present & it is unnecessary. I say that because I COULD just get to work on myself, fear is the one thing preventing me from diving in deeper. Sometimes we have to be scared long enough to grow tired of it & fight back, finally facing our frights & fight.
It's always been a goal of mine to help others, and I try to do so to the best of my ability. By facing my fears one day, I will be of better help & service to others. Nobody who is fearful themsevles would want the help of someone who is also afraid. That would be like asking someone who is afraid of heights to help you get down from a tower in the sky. I see this as a major roadblock in my recovery, seeing it is the first step to getting past it. Accepting it comes next, but in doing so immediate action must follow with my fourth step. Because I know this is true, I feel I have not yet accepted all my fears for what they are. If I had, then I would already have completed my fourth step. The fearless moral inventory that we are asked to do as our fourth step must be just that.. FEARLESS. I have a desire to stay sober, I never want to return to the life of suffering & the days of sickness laying in bed from withdrawl & self hatred. That desire is stronger than ever, and I am using it with my higher power to muster the strength to face my fears. I cannot do it alone & my sponsor, family & friends all will be there to help me I am sure. The time I have wasted in the background cannot be regained, but my tomorrow does not need to be plagued by the fears that stole my time in the past.. I can take action, we all can. We need not live in fear, resentment, selfishness, or dishonesty. We can all take our thorough & fearless moral inventory & be rid of our fears.. even if we are not alcoholic. The 12 Steps are a model in which all peoples should live by, and the fourth step is a huge step for humanity as a whole.. It is the difference of us being human being or spiritual beings for many of us. So with little time left to waste, wish me luck.. no.. wish me the strength to do this to the best of my ability. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
There is a great topic I want to talk about tonight, one that was mentioned at the meeting I went to. That topic is "FEAR" and how it affects us. There were two slogans that were spoken about fear at the meeting & without offending anyone I wish to repeat them. The first is what we alcoholics do most often, when we are still sick or when we have not yet cleaned our side of the street with the fourth, eight & ninth steps. F_ck Everything And Run... FEAR. The second is what we are able to later do, when we have developed the spiritual soundness we seek & when we have the help of others in our lives. Face Everything And Recover... FEAR. There is a significant difference between these two just as there is the same huge difference between us in active addiction & in sobriety. Doing a thorough fourth step allows us to address & face all of our legitimate fears, later turning them over to our higher power for removal. Its through constant work & growth that this is possible, I have not yet amassed enough works to achieve this myself but I am told that its a glorious transformation in our lives when we do. Fear is something that affects me daily. Some days more than others, but always present & it is unnecessary. I say that because I COULD just get to work on myself, fear is the one thing preventing me from diving in deeper. Sometimes we have to be scared long enough to grow tired of it & fight back, finally facing our frights & fight.
It's always been a goal of mine to help others, and I try to do so to the best of my ability. By facing my fears one day, I will be of better help & service to others. Nobody who is fearful themsevles would want the help of someone who is also afraid. That would be like asking someone who is afraid of heights to help you get down from a tower in the sky. I see this as a major roadblock in my recovery, seeing it is the first step to getting past it. Accepting it comes next, but in doing so immediate action must follow with my fourth step. Because I know this is true, I feel I have not yet accepted all my fears for what they are. If I had, then I would already have completed my fourth step. The fearless moral inventory that we are asked to do as our fourth step must be just that.. FEARLESS. I have a desire to stay sober, I never want to return to the life of suffering & the days of sickness laying in bed from withdrawl & self hatred. That desire is stronger than ever, and I am using it with my higher power to muster the strength to face my fears. I cannot do it alone & my sponsor, family & friends all will be there to help me I am sure. The time I have wasted in the background cannot be regained, but my tomorrow does not need to be plagued by the fears that stole my time in the past.. I can take action, we all can. We need not live in fear, resentment, selfishness, or dishonesty. We can all take our thorough & fearless moral inventory & be rid of our fears.. even if we are not alcoholic. The 12 Steps are a model in which all peoples should live by, and the fourth step is a huge step for humanity as a whole.. It is the difference of us being human being or spiritual beings for many of us. So with little time left to waste, wish me luck.. no.. wish me the strength to do this to the best of my ability. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Update
August 24. Hey friends. I will be updating a new post during the day today which is Tuesday the 24th. Thanks for all your patience & checking back, I will hopefully have a great thing or two to talk about when I get on then. For now I want to get some sleep & relax. Hope you are all well & having a great week. <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Appreciation
August 18. Hey friends, wednesday is about to begin for me in a busy fashion. I have to go to the new marketplace for a 12 hour day, but at least my mom will be coming to help. She doesn't know how much she means to me & sometimes I have a hard time showing it. One of the greatest defects of character I have is showing appreciation for others on my life & I want to make that tonight's topic. Its very important for us to show our appreciation for others & what they do in our lives.
Showing others appreciation makes possible a way of giving back because it makes the person helping us feel good about what they are doing in our lives, be it big or small. So much goes unthanked or unnoticed in our day to day lives & no one can be on the ball for every favor we receive. But we can at least on occasion speak out in gratitude or do something special in thanks to catch up on all our missed chances to make them feel appreciated.
If there is ever one thing I want to be known for it should be my appreciation for all the great people who have & will contribute any part of themselves to make my life better. Two of most mention would be my parents, but it doesn't stop there. So many others are to thank & I hope to one day do something special in return for them all. Good night. Good morning. <3 Jimmy
Showing others appreciation makes possible a way of giving back because it makes the person helping us feel good about what they are doing in our lives, be it big or small. So much goes unthanked or unnoticed in our day to day lives & no one can be on the ball for every favor we receive. But we can at least on occasion speak out in gratitude or do something special in thanks to catch up on all our missed chances to make them feel appreciated.
If there is ever one thing I want to be known for it should be my appreciation for all the great people who have & will contribute any part of themselves to make my life better. Two of most mention would be my parents, but it doesn't stop there. So many others are to thank & I hope to one day do something special in return for them all. Good night. Good morning. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The "We Program"
August 17. Hey friends, I hope everyone has been doing well. I certainly have been, having had opportunities to celebrate many great sober & spiritual things with friends the past few days as well as having a bit of luck & good business on the weekend. So much has gone on & I am forever grateful for my current standing in life, it could be so much worse but instead sobriety continues to make it better. I can only say that I wish I didn't worry my parents so much sometimes, as I don't sleep well at night & stay busy or stay out, they often see me tired & playing catch up. They are my gravity that helps me remember to take care of myself & enable me to do so alot of the time. I wanted to talk about a topic that has come to mind, one that always has stricken me as an important one in my life. The 12 Steps & the fellowships that hold them on high as the tool for successful recovery from any life altering problem, have a saying that says "This Is A WE Program". An experienced 12 Stepper would be the first to admit from not only the 'book knowledge' of the program but also experience that "I Cannot Do This Alone". That statement holds so true in my life. Without the help of many I would be unable to maintain a sober & reasonably happy lifestly. Its because of my family's support & my parents careful considerations when offering me certian kinds of help that I am able to truly enjoy my sober journey. They have given me both food & a roof when the chips were down as well as support & love when morale was down. They have made bad days better & great days awesome, besides a few early battles when we were all getting well at our own paces it has been relatively a loving & learning experience for all of us.
As it is a "We Program" or a "We Recovery" there are others involved as well. My sponsor has contributed so much to me getting well & reminds me that my work is never done unless science finds a cure rather than a way to recover. That will never happen in my or anyone I know's lifetime, alcoholism & addiction are an ageless battle that have only been beaten by death or recovery through the 12 Steps. There may have been a time before the mass availablility of drugs or the social acceptance of alcohol when isolation may have worked against it, but in today's society we are only an arms reach from exposure if we crave, as we all will at some point in our recovery. Because of this fact, other great people have made up the "We" of my recovery. Good friends who have been there since I began sobriety & before I developed my addiction. They know my weaknesses & spend time in their lives with me without those things being a factor to our friendship. My support group contains many new friends, like minded & equally aggressive in recovery, they all contribute their continued success & story of their past to my personal sobriety. This helps to remind me where I came from & shows me that others are doing the same thing, I can see tangible benefits in their lives to look forward in my own. One of the most important things I need in my program, probably the greatest member of the "We" that comprises my recovery group, is my Higher Power. Without it I would not have had the strength to go on, it has answered my prayers countless times & given me a path which I can align my life & will with when I am in a good spiritual condition. It is that path which I need to walk in order to stay sober another day.
Many who do not suffer from the disease of alcoholism would not understand our trials, they think it a mere choice for us to get high or drunk. They also believe that it is a factor of will power when deciding not to drink or pick up a drug. There is no will power strong enough for an addict, the power to stop & stay stopped only comes from others & we do not possess it solely ourselves. Without the others that we rely upon there would be no percentage of a chance for us to stay sober. So when they say it is a "We Program" they are correct, at least for me & from my experience. Having tried all other ways of getting & staying sober, together is the only way I have ever achieved it. Without others I am nothing in sobriety & will soon lose it, just as being alone on a desert island would be a miserable life. Its the constant reassureance of others, the reminders, the help when needed, and the power greater than ourselves in our constantly growing faith in a higher power that makes magical things happen that no science or medicine has ever achieved alone or on a permanent basis. But WE CAN permanently recover, only together, only as WE never as I or YOU alone. When you feel like reaching out, don't hesitate. Reach far & go far in your goals in life & take others with you, because We Can. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
As it is a "We Program" or a "We Recovery" there are others involved as well. My sponsor has contributed so much to me getting well & reminds me that my work is never done unless science finds a cure rather than a way to recover. That will never happen in my or anyone I know's lifetime, alcoholism & addiction are an ageless battle that have only been beaten by death or recovery through the 12 Steps. There may have been a time before the mass availablility of drugs or the social acceptance of alcohol when isolation may have worked against it, but in today's society we are only an arms reach from exposure if we crave, as we all will at some point in our recovery. Because of this fact, other great people have made up the "We" of my recovery. Good friends who have been there since I began sobriety & before I developed my addiction. They know my weaknesses & spend time in their lives with me without those things being a factor to our friendship. My support group contains many new friends, like minded & equally aggressive in recovery, they all contribute their continued success & story of their past to my personal sobriety. This helps to remind me where I came from & shows me that others are doing the same thing, I can see tangible benefits in their lives to look forward in my own. One of the most important things I need in my program, probably the greatest member of the "We" that comprises my recovery group, is my Higher Power. Without it I would not have had the strength to go on, it has answered my prayers countless times & given me a path which I can align my life & will with when I am in a good spiritual condition. It is that path which I need to walk in order to stay sober another day.
Many who do not suffer from the disease of alcoholism would not understand our trials, they think it a mere choice for us to get high or drunk. They also believe that it is a factor of will power when deciding not to drink or pick up a drug. There is no will power strong enough for an addict, the power to stop & stay stopped only comes from others & we do not possess it solely ourselves. Without the others that we rely upon there would be no percentage of a chance for us to stay sober. So when they say it is a "We Program" they are correct, at least for me & from my experience. Having tried all other ways of getting & staying sober, together is the only way I have ever achieved it. Without others I am nothing in sobriety & will soon lose it, just as being alone on a desert island would be a miserable life. Its the constant reassureance of others, the reminders, the help when needed, and the power greater than ourselves in our constantly growing faith in a higher power that makes magical things happen that no science or medicine has ever achieved alone or on a permanent basis. But WE CAN permanently recover, only together, only as WE never as I or YOU alone. When you feel like reaching out, don't hesitate. Reach far & go far in your goals in life & take others with you, because We Can. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Resentments - Growing Past Them
August 11. Hey all my friends. I had a good Tuesday & I actually made the best of it that I could, but I was not at my best for the whole day. I guess we all make mistakes in our actions & how we go through our day sometimes & I am learning that as well as how to combat my inner alcoholic. A poor choice today lead to me feeling bad & a bit guilty hearted, but I will make up for my shortcoming & selfishness in the end. That is so long as I stay the course of spirituality & continue to move forward from my mistakes instead of relive them over in over like in the past. I got to see my sister, nephew & niece today, as I stopped by to see some stuff my sister needed to get rid of around the house. Most of the stuff I can take down to my shop & sell as used merchandise, which is win win for both of us because she would have to otherwise get rid of it to get it out of her way. Afterwards I went off to keep my head busy & myself out of trouble, I didn't do very good with either aspect. Not that I got myself into anything, I just wasn't being the person I want to be on a daily basis & needed to get out of that funk quickly. By the time evening came I was heading to my meeting in hopes to restart my day again fresh, I learned I can do that anytime if I need to with a little help from my higher power. I did just that & the meeting was an excellent one, about Resentments & it really got me thinking in a good way. Funny how hard resentment is to avoid, because just after the meeting I developed one against someone who I continuously do favors for. The Resentment I was feeling was because when I asked for a favor in return this one time it was not only passed on but made to be a big deal that I needed a favor at all.
So having felt that way my whole ride home, I decided the best topic I could talk about is Resentments. I would like to talk about how they were in my addiciton, how they are now, & how they are supposed to dissapear as I grow in spiritual fitness. In my active addiction I would develop resentments against anybody who didn't let me get my way, against anybody who had something I could not get if I wanted it, and against my higher power whom I blamed for taking things from me & cursing me with my disease of alcoholism & addiction. Just to name some specific examples of this I will elaborate, which actually helps me heal & release such resentments believe it or not. Somebody not letting me get my way could be my parents at some time grounding me or not letting me out, or even an ex-girlfriend who wouldn't let me go out on a friday night with or without her. If someone had the drugs I wanted or even as large viewed as the life I wanted I would resent them. If I wanted a person in my life & could not have them, I would resent the person who did have them or myself for not being what they wanted in return. I blamed my higher power for taking people who died from me, for leaving me alone at times or so I thought, that blame raised resentment. I also resented my higher power for creating me with the addictive personality, for what I thought was a curse of 'craving' things unnatural & the inability to appreciate or experience what normal people did in their lives. I resented my higher power for not letting me die every time I took a higher dose because I thought it was letting me live to experience an eternal torment of chasing false happiness & falling to a lowly sickness each day. I later found out that all of these resentments were unjustified, that none of these resentments had any foundaiton to exist in my life as a spiritual person & through the miracle of sobriety possible through my higher power & a growing closer to that power by me I could let go of these resentments more easily.
It is no coincidence that becoming an addict as a child & developing these resentments shortly afterwards went hand in hand, because I never got a mature look at any of them until now. In current times I do not gain resentments so easily, but they still come & that is because I am not yet spiritually fit. I have just begun to grow spiritually & more relief awaits as I work through the Steps & to tighten my bond with my higher power, this is promised & I believe it as much as I believe in myself today. I still get resentments from some of the things that caused them in addiction, but I have sometimes managed to let them go without holding onto them for very long & without hurting anyone else in return. I have even recently resented someone for having something I wanted in life, only to let it go to my higher power & be grateful instead for what I do have. The realization came to me through the constant spiritual lessons I am learning each day, that if I were meant to have that then it will be mine & just because someone else has it does not mean I cannot or will not find something I equally cherish as part of my life one day. I learned that I have to be happy for other's & what they have, because if I am not then I will not be ready to have for myself. When my attitude changed, so did alot of other things & that resentment was gone. Sometimes our resentments require us to do some changing of self in order to let them go, but as a fail safe we can always pray & be aware of them, share them with another & weaken their grip over us.
And finally a look at what is promised ahead, that is if we clean our side of the street & have faith in the Steps & our Higher Power, living with both heavily rooted into our very lives. It is promised that if we rely on our higher power, and repeat steps 10 through 12 each day of our lives, that we will live in a spiritually fit manner. This does mean that we have to have completed the first 9 Steps, with complete honesty & to the best of our ability, always returning to cleaning our side of the street should something come up unhandled that might contaminate it. By doing this we make sure that if we do make a mistake, if we do take that human being nature for granted & develop a resentment again, that our spiritual being will be free enough through the maintenence in the final three steps so we can be rid of them & our higher power can take them away. There is so much trust involved in this process, but it is gained through each of us just doing the simple things asked of us one day, one step, and one inch of spiritual growth at a time. I have done so much to others in my time, probably still even today, to cause resentment, hurt, pain & sorrow to others. I pray that we all learn to love & live forgiveness in ourselves & eachother so that we can grow past these resentments. I am a sick person getting well, one day at a time, with alot of love in my heart & dedication to doing the next right thing. With the help of my higher power may I & you all be able to do so in the light of the spirit. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
So having felt that way my whole ride home, I decided the best topic I could talk about is Resentments. I would like to talk about how they were in my addiciton, how they are now, & how they are supposed to dissapear as I grow in spiritual fitness. In my active addiction I would develop resentments against anybody who didn't let me get my way, against anybody who had something I could not get if I wanted it, and against my higher power whom I blamed for taking things from me & cursing me with my disease of alcoholism & addiction. Just to name some specific examples of this I will elaborate, which actually helps me heal & release such resentments believe it or not. Somebody not letting me get my way could be my parents at some time grounding me or not letting me out, or even an ex-girlfriend who wouldn't let me go out on a friday night with or without her. If someone had the drugs I wanted or even as large viewed as the life I wanted I would resent them. If I wanted a person in my life & could not have them, I would resent the person who did have them or myself for not being what they wanted in return. I blamed my higher power for taking people who died from me, for leaving me alone at times or so I thought, that blame raised resentment. I also resented my higher power for creating me with the addictive personality, for what I thought was a curse of 'craving' things unnatural & the inability to appreciate or experience what normal people did in their lives. I resented my higher power for not letting me die every time I took a higher dose because I thought it was letting me live to experience an eternal torment of chasing false happiness & falling to a lowly sickness each day. I later found out that all of these resentments were unjustified, that none of these resentments had any foundaiton to exist in my life as a spiritual person & through the miracle of sobriety possible through my higher power & a growing closer to that power by me I could let go of these resentments more easily.
It is no coincidence that becoming an addict as a child & developing these resentments shortly afterwards went hand in hand, because I never got a mature look at any of them until now. In current times I do not gain resentments so easily, but they still come & that is because I am not yet spiritually fit. I have just begun to grow spiritually & more relief awaits as I work through the Steps & to tighten my bond with my higher power, this is promised & I believe it as much as I believe in myself today. I still get resentments from some of the things that caused them in addiction, but I have sometimes managed to let them go without holding onto them for very long & without hurting anyone else in return. I have even recently resented someone for having something I wanted in life, only to let it go to my higher power & be grateful instead for what I do have. The realization came to me through the constant spiritual lessons I am learning each day, that if I were meant to have that then it will be mine & just because someone else has it does not mean I cannot or will not find something I equally cherish as part of my life one day. I learned that I have to be happy for other's & what they have, because if I am not then I will not be ready to have for myself. When my attitude changed, so did alot of other things & that resentment was gone. Sometimes our resentments require us to do some changing of self in order to let them go, but as a fail safe we can always pray & be aware of them, share them with another & weaken their grip over us.
And finally a look at what is promised ahead, that is if we clean our side of the street & have faith in the Steps & our Higher Power, living with both heavily rooted into our very lives. It is promised that if we rely on our higher power, and repeat steps 10 through 12 each day of our lives, that we will live in a spiritually fit manner. This does mean that we have to have completed the first 9 Steps, with complete honesty & to the best of our ability, always returning to cleaning our side of the street should something come up unhandled that might contaminate it. By doing this we make sure that if we do make a mistake, if we do take that human being nature for granted & develop a resentment again, that our spiritual being will be free enough through the maintenence in the final three steps so we can be rid of them & our higher power can take them away. There is so much trust involved in this process, but it is gained through each of us just doing the simple things asked of us one day, one step, and one inch of spiritual growth at a time. I have done so much to others in my time, probably still even today, to cause resentment, hurt, pain & sorrow to others. I pray that we all learn to love & live forgiveness in ourselves & eachother so that we can grow past these resentments. I am a sick person getting well, one day at a time, with alot of love in my heart & dedication to doing the next right thing. With the help of my higher power may I & you all be able to do so in the light of the spirit. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
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