FEAR - F&*k Everything And Run OR Face Everything And Recover

August 24. Hello friends I hope Tuesday was good for you, in three minutes it's another day come & gone for me. Sobriety has given me so many new liberties that I never had while in active addiction & I am so grateful for them all. I am equally eager for new ones to emerge. I have had a few weeks of indecisiveness & insecurity, which has caused me to write very little in this blog. The most important part of it all is that I remained sober & plugged into the source of spiritual improvement in my life which is my higher power & the 12 Steps as well. My family has been nothing but patient & tolerant of me during this off peroid for me & I never expected to be clueless still when I am well into my second year of sobriety. But alas, here I am wandering the world with a simple purpose for now. As simple as the purpose is, to stay sober & grow in spirit, it is not an easy one. One of my many stumbling blocks is my Fourth Step & I have been battling myself internally to complete it by putting pen to paper or fingers to the keys. It's my current & immediate goal besides surviving another day without alcohol or drugs & I will be successful with the help of my friends, family, sponsor & higher power. Some have said, "When the pain gets to be great enough, you will do that fourth step & do it thoroughly". I will indeed do it no other way, because it is the step which does my 'housecleaning' or more for me, the cleansing of my soul & spiritual life. I will not be running my jewelry shop tomorrow because of bad weather in our area, so I plan to take a little time out on a journey to do two things. The first is to enjoy myself & do something I enjoy to do sober, the second is to look deeply within at all that is hindering my spiritual progress from both past & present so that I can write it in my fourth step & pray for its removal in my future.

There is a great topic I want to talk about tonight, one that was mentioned at the meeting I went to. That topic is "FEAR" and how it affects us. There were two slogans that were spoken about fear at the meeting & without offending anyone I wish to repeat them. The first is what we alcoholics do most often, when we are still sick or when we have not yet cleaned our side of the street with the fourth, eight & ninth steps. F_ck Everything And Run... FEAR. The second is what we are able to later do, when we have developed the spiritual soundness we seek & when we have the help of others in our lives. Face Everything And Recover... FEAR. There is a significant difference between these two just as there is the same huge difference between us in active addiction & in sobriety. Doing a thorough fourth step allows us to address & face all of our legitimate fears, later turning them over to our higher power for removal. Its through constant work & growth that this is possible, I have not yet amassed enough works to achieve this myself but I am told that its a glorious transformation in our lives when we do. Fear is something that affects me daily. Some days more than others, but always present & it is unnecessary. I say that because I COULD just get to work on myself, fear is the one thing preventing me from diving in deeper. Sometimes we have to be scared long enough to grow tired of it & fight back, finally facing our frights & fight.

It's always been a goal of mine to help others, and I try to do so to the best of my ability. By facing my fears one day, I will be of better help & service to others. Nobody who is fearful themsevles would want the help of someone who is also afraid. That would be like asking someone who is afraid of heights to help you get down from a tower in the sky. I see this as a major roadblock in my recovery, seeing it is the first step to getting past it. Accepting it comes next, but in doing so immediate action must follow with my fourth step. Because I know this is true, I feel I have not yet accepted all my fears for what they are. If I had, then I would already have completed my fourth step. The fearless moral inventory that we are asked to do as our fourth step must be just that.. FEARLESS. I have a desire to stay sober, I never want to return to the life of suffering & the days of sickness laying in bed from withdrawl & self hatred. That desire is stronger than ever, and I am using it with my higher power to muster the strength to face my fears. I cannot do it alone & my sponsor, family & friends all will be there to help me I am sure. The time I have wasted in the background cannot be regained, but my tomorrow does not need to be plagued by the fears that stole my time in the past.. I can take action, we all can. We need not live in fear, resentment, selfishness, or dishonesty. We can all take our thorough & fearless moral inventory & be rid of our fears.. even if we are not alcoholic. The 12 Steps are a model in which all peoples should live by, and the fourth step is a huge step for humanity as a whole.. It is the difference of us being human being or spiritual beings for many of us. So with little time left to waste, wish me luck.. no.. wish me the strength to do this to the best of my ability. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy