Resentments - Growing Past Them

August 11. Hey all my friends. I had a good Tuesday & I actually made the best of it that I could, but I was not at my best for the whole day. I guess we all make mistakes in our actions & how we go through our day sometimes & I am learning that as well as how to combat my inner alcoholic. A poor choice today lead to me feeling bad & a bit guilty hearted, but I will make up for my shortcoming & selfishness in the end. That is so long as I stay the course of spirituality & continue to move forward from my mistakes instead of relive them over in over like in the past. I got to see my sister, nephew & niece today, as I stopped by to see some stuff my sister needed to get rid of around the house. Most of the stuff I can take down to my shop & sell as used merchandise, which is win win for both of us because she would have to otherwise get rid of it to get it out of her way. Afterwards I went off to keep my head busy & myself out of trouble, I didn't do very good with either aspect. Not that I got myself into anything, I just wasn't being the person I want to be on a daily basis & needed to get out of that funk quickly. By the time evening came I was heading to my meeting in hopes to restart my day again fresh, I learned I can do that anytime if I need to with a little help from my higher power. I did just that & the meeting was an excellent one, about Resentments & it really got me thinking in a good way. Funny how hard resentment is to avoid, because just after the meeting I developed one against someone who I continuously do favors for. The Resentment I was feeling was because when I asked for a favor in return this one time it was not only passed on but made to be a big deal that I needed a favor at all.

So having felt that way my whole ride home, I decided the best topic I could talk about is Resentments. I would like to talk about how they were in my addiciton, how they are now, & how they are supposed to dissapear as I grow in spiritual fitness. In my active addiction I would develop resentments against anybody who didn't let me get my way, against anybody who had something I could not get if I wanted it, and against my higher power whom I blamed for taking things from me & cursing me with my disease of alcoholism & addiction. Just to name some specific examples of this I will elaborate, which actually helps me heal & release such resentments believe it or not. Somebody not letting me get my way could be my parents at some time grounding me or not letting me out, or even an ex-girlfriend who wouldn't let me go out on a friday night with or without her. If someone had the drugs I wanted or even as large viewed as the life I wanted I would resent them. If I wanted a person in my life & could not have them, I would resent the person who did have them or myself for not being what they wanted in return. I blamed my higher power for taking people who died from me, for leaving me alone at times or so I thought, that blame raised resentment. I also resented my higher power for creating me with the addictive personality, for what I thought was a curse of 'craving' things unnatural & the inability to appreciate or experience what normal people did in their lives. I resented my higher power for not letting me die every time I took a higher dose because I thought it was letting me live to experience an eternal torment of chasing false happiness & falling to a lowly sickness each day. I later found out that all of these resentments were unjustified, that none of these resentments had any foundaiton to exist in my life as a spiritual person & through the miracle of sobriety possible through my higher power & a growing closer to that power by me I could let go of these resentments more easily.

It is no coincidence that becoming an addict as a child & developing these resentments shortly afterwards went hand in hand, because I never got a mature look at any of them until now. In current times I do not gain resentments so easily, but they still come & that is because I am not yet spiritually fit. I have just begun to grow spiritually & more relief awaits as I work through the Steps & to tighten my bond with my higher power, this is promised & I believe it as much as I believe in myself today. I still get resentments from some of the things that caused them in addiction, but I have sometimes managed to let them go without holding onto them for very long & without hurting anyone else in return. I have even recently resented someone for having something I wanted in life, only to let it go to my higher power & be grateful instead for what I do have. The realization came to me through the constant spiritual lessons I am learning each day, that if I were meant to have that then it will be mine & just because someone else has it does not mean I cannot or will not find something I equally cherish as part of my life one day. I learned that I have to be happy for other's & what they have, because if I am not then I will not be ready to have for myself. When my attitude changed, so did alot of other things & that resentment was gone. Sometimes our resentments require us to do some changing of self in order to let them go, but as a fail safe we can always pray & be aware of them, share them with another & weaken their grip over us.

And finally a look at what is promised ahead, that is if we clean our side of the street & have faith in the Steps & our Higher Power, living with both heavily rooted into our very lives. It is promised that if we rely on our higher power, and repeat steps 10 through 12 each day of our lives, that we will live in a spiritually fit manner. This does mean that we have to have completed the first 9 Steps, with complete honesty & to the best of our ability, always returning to cleaning our side of the street should something come up unhandled that might contaminate it. By doing this we make sure that if we do make a mistake, if we do take that human being nature for granted & develop a resentment again, that our spiritual being will be free enough through the maintenence in the final three steps so we can be rid of them & our higher power can take them away. There is so much trust involved in this process, but it is gained through each of us just doing the simple things asked of us one day, one step, and one inch of spiritual growth at a time. I have done so much to others in my time, probably still even today, to cause resentment, hurt, pain & sorrow to others. I pray that we all learn to love & live forgiveness in ourselves & eachother so that we can grow past these resentments. I am a sick person getting well, one day at a time, with alot of love in my heart & dedication to doing the next right thing. With the help of my higher power may I & you all be able to do so in the light of the spirit. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy