Mar 12. Hey fellow spirits, thursday is gone and its early friday morning.. T.G.I.F? I used to crave fridays in my addiction & other than it being the night my home group meets its no different from any other Sober day for me now. I guess with change comes things that I can appreciate in contrast to the old ways. Living in bondage of self was and still can be a terrible place to be. I will get more into that after I talk about my day.
Thursday seemed to drag on, physically I didn't feel great & rest didn't change that. I guess it was just an off day for my body so I wrote it off by the afternoon as such. I had dinner with mom & got to see my dad walk through the door before I left for my evening meeting. Thursdays are normally a busy day of several meetings or groups I attend but I have worked it so that every other thursday I get to slow down a little and just meet up with my sponsor at a meeting between where each of us lives. The meeting was a really great one and although my sponsor didn't think he would make it, he did halfway through. After a nice long talk and cold hands from smoking cigarettes outside, I headed out for a coffee and to find entertainment. It didn't last long and I was heading home in no time, as the night life in my area seems to conflict with my life's choices. So here I am back at home, playing with the App Center on my Blackberry and writing this blog. So onto the topic..
A song comes to mind on friday's that reminds me of the hamster wheel so many people are caught on in life. The lyrics go like this.. "Everybody's Working For The Weekend". I actually had a discussion with my father about this and he is the one who reminded me of the song a few months ago. It's catchy lyrics are so true. In dedication to being bonded to ourselves, we work all week just to get out and get that friday night high, that saturday shin-dig, and that sunday simmer. Why? Because of self pity, self seeking, and just.. self. Until we seek a spiritual way of life, and even after during some moments, we are in bondage of self. What does that mean? Well, it means we want what we want, and we will work and wait, earn or steal, buy or sell our way to getting what we want. The average hardworking and socially normal person even falls into this hamster wheel.
I know so many people that just can't wait for "Friday". Not because they want to get extra sleep, or spend time with their families that they miss at work. But because of self seeking and selfish desires make them get that "saturday night fever" a little early and they want to go take the stress off with substances, in most cases a beer. I try to live my life one day at a time, I look for moments of relaxation, happiness, serenity, satisfaction, pleasure, accomplishment, etc.. not for specific days of it. I am learning to achieve this through not self seeking that high or escape brought on by friday's at the bar or in the city scoring drugs. I am learning it by having fun on monday or tuesday without those things, making friday seem like just another day.
I also run a business on saturday and sunday, if I didn't have that then a hobby would be equally necessary to achieve what I am trying to in my life. Instead of working for, I am literally working 'on' the weekends. So I can't be perfect at this, or anything I do, but I can surely be aware and try. I can stay off the hamster wheel and if i find myself on it, take a sidestep, say a prayer for relief from the bondage of self, and get back on track living for today's happiness. Doing that instead of trying to wash away the woe's and hardships of the week seems much more appealing, but we would never know unless we worked at & experienced the difference. "Everybody's working for the weekend?" Yep, most of them are, but not everyone.. Myself and many others have stopped that song from playing in our lives, the lyrics aren't so catchy anymore. If I keep doing on friday what I've done any other day in my Sobriety chances are that life is going to keep getting better. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Odd Man Out
Mar 11. Hey friends, hope everyone is in a great spiritual place. I know that I continue to try to be daily. I won't give up until I am everday and can maintain that position through even the hardest of life's puzzles. Today was an interesting day, most of it was normal but near the end I came to a few conclusions. I started off at home with my mom for the morning and afternoon. Its nice not being the only one home during the day these days, as I am usually active with work-stuff on the weekends and in the 12 step program in the evenings. In the mid afternoon we went for a ride to gas my car up and I asked her to accompany me to take CJ's mom to the jewelers to drop off a ring. My only thought was, 'I hope she enjoys being out of the house'. If she didn't she said nothing of that nature so all seemed well.
Evening came and dinner too then I got ready for my evening meeting. It was a hit of a meeting and I even reconciled with a friend from some of the earliest weeks of my sobriety that was an important part of my learning to live a new way. After that meeting, I had every intention to find a friend to hang out with or do something fun with. Not a single person at the meeting was interested that I knew, they all had school in the AM or work and were off to bed. I made several phone calls to some others who were in similar situations or had their children for the night all tucked in. So it seemed if I wanted company I would have to see what the aquaintences were doing.
Out of maybe 15 people I called 8 got back to me.. all out at the bar or club having drinks. The rest did not reply or return a call. Going to a bar for anything but a band, and without another sober person was totally out of the question for my lifestyle I am trying to adopt. The thought crossed my mind of trying to just go out and meet new people. I thought of all the places in the city where social gathering might occur after 9PM on a weekday and since the last 12 step meeting was at 8PM my options were limited. It turns out that at that hour there was only one kind of place where people were gathered with the interest of new faces even being imaginable, all those places served alcohol as their primary function.
So there I sat in the car, the odd man out. I almost wanted to feel sorry for myself for being without company. I had 8 people I knew out on the town, all intoxicated, none interested in anything I was interested in. So rather than conform, I chose to vacate the city. As I drove home I started to think about how a night of drinks would change everything I have achieved thusfar in Sobriety, and how it would shift the balance that I have mentally, physically, and spritually in my life. All that chaos, at the end of the night as people stagger out of the bars.. who really is alone? When the bottom of the bottle is your last friend you see at the end of the night you have no friends, in fact you don't even have yourself. My self pity turned into gratitude, that today I have myself, my family, my real friends, and people in a fellowship of recovery that genuinely care about me. Not everyday is going to work out how I imagine, and they may not for some time to come.. but as long as I don't pick up a drink or a drug I have a chance to be the odd man out, with an even life. When I prayed tonight I didn't feel so alone anymore. Somehow everything was alright, and I got the feeling that in time my cup will flow over with friendship & fun in life, and shortly after perhaps love unimaginable. Like the love for my life today. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Evening came and dinner too then I got ready for my evening meeting. It was a hit of a meeting and I even reconciled with a friend from some of the earliest weeks of my sobriety that was an important part of my learning to live a new way. After that meeting, I had every intention to find a friend to hang out with or do something fun with. Not a single person at the meeting was interested that I knew, they all had school in the AM or work and were off to bed. I made several phone calls to some others who were in similar situations or had their children for the night all tucked in. So it seemed if I wanted company I would have to see what the aquaintences were doing.
Out of maybe 15 people I called 8 got back to me.. all out at the bar or club having drinks. The rest did not reply or return a call. Going to a bar for anything but a band, and without another sober person was totally out of the question for my lifestyle I am trying to adopt. The thought crossed my mind of trying to just go out and meet new people. I thought of all the places in the city where social gathering might occur after 9PM on a weekday and since the last 12 step meeting was at 8PM my options were limited. It turns out that at that hour there was only one kind of place where people were gathered with the interest of new faces even being imaginable, all those places served alcohol as their primary function.
So there I sat in the car, the odd man out. I almost wanted to feel sorry for myself for being without company. I had 8 people I knew out on the town, all intoxicated, none interested in anything I was interested in. So rather than conform, I chose to vacate the city. As I drove home I started to think about how a night of drinks would change everything I have achieved thusfar in Sobriety, and how it would shift the balance that I have mentally, physically, and spritually in my life. All that chaos, at the end of the night as people stagger out of the bars.. who really is alone? When the bottom of the bottle is your last friend you see at the end of the night you have no friends, in fact you don't even have yourself. My self pity turned into gratitude, that today I have myself, my family, my real friends, and people in a fellowship of recovery that genuinely care about me. Not everyday is going to work out how I imagine, and they may not for some time to come.. but as long as I don't pick up a drink or a drug I have a chance to be the odd man out, with an even life. When I prayed tonight I didn't feel so alone anymore. Somehow everything was alright, and I got the feeling that in time my cup will flow over with friendship & fun in life, and shortly after perhaps love unimaginable. Like the love for my life today. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sleepless - A Piece Of Missing Health
Mar 10. Hey everyone. I wanted to get the new update posted for the morning coffee drinkers. Glad to have had the energy to do it, which I have too much energy seemingly these days, so here we are. Today I want to talk about an aspect of health & spirituality that I am losing out on, sleep. But first, about my day. Tuesday was pretty okay in my book. I was pretty tired early, so sleeping in seemed fun. I woke up to one of my favorite 'little people' saying "hey buddy wake up". It was CJ, an adorable little blond hair & blue eyed almost 3 year old. I try to be a positive role model to this guy because his father happens to not only skip his support, but also skips being there for him. I did the best I could being as tired as I was to talk to him and cheer him on as he played with the toys my mom keeps around for her grandkids. Once he left and things got quiet I fell back to sleep. My biological clock for some reason cannot seem to adjust to the life changes I am making, I can only pray and hope that one day it will turn as my life has.
After eating dinner in the evening with mom I got ready and went to my usual meeting on tuesdays, then stopped to see CJ's mother at her job and appologize for how tired I was when he wanted to play. I realize I can't do everything perfectly, but when it comes to kids I want to do my best no matter whom they belong to. I wrapped the night up hanging out with my best friend Tommy after he got out of work. Then back home to try and relax. For some reason, rest doesn't come easy these days. Its mainly what I want to talk about today. I normally like to stick to talking about spirituality and solutions in my life, but for a change I will focus on a problem I have not yet solved.
Since getting sober I have never been able to sleep in pattern. Starting with the detox phase of my sobriety, I initially shivered and squirmed in my skin every night. That lasted literally for a few weeks, the fevers finally subsiding with the help of medicine and the squirming.. well I either got used to it or a subsidance of some sort has occured thanks to my higher power and the implementation of spiritual principles in my life. Having those two obvious hindrences out of the way, you would think that I would be able to simmer down into a pattern of some sort for sleep. I try, I have tried. Something unkown to me is preventing it, and as certain things change it has not yet improved.
For nearly the entire first six months of my sobriety I suffered from horrid nightmare's and distrubing dreams that made no sense. I never slept more than 2 or 3 hours without waking up to one of these dreams. Night time seemed almost like work when I had to constantly wake up to a pounding heartbeat and calm my anxiety down for a half hour to try and sleep more. Over time the dreams got fewer and farther between, to where I at one point thought they were gone. They came back a month later to plague me and my rest again. My sponsor has told me time and again to take care of myself and my health, and that includes sleep at all costs. My doctor wanted me to try a strong tranquilizer to help the situation but out of fear for dependancy or other complications with my sobriety myself and my support group sided against trying it.
I can for the most part say now that the dreams, fevers, and anxiety are all but gone completely. What I can't say, is that I know what in the world is keeping me from being able to fall asleep now when I close my eyes. On the regular, unless I have run myself to an exhausted or tired state, I cannot simply go to bed after being up 19 hours and sleep. I just lay there, awake and unable to rest, opening my eyes to see another half hour of consciousness pass by. This goes on for an hour or more then I finally get fed up and find something to do. On a day where I get up at 5AM, if I stay active and busy until say 3 or 4AM the next morning, I can finally fall asleep within a half hour with no trouble. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
In search of a solution I have prayed many times. I have consulted doctors who's only solution is sedation through medication. I have changed diet, tried going without caffine and sugars, eliminated milk products for a week, and even tried forced sleep. I can only come to think that the damage I have done to my body, brain, metabolism, and biolical system in my 14 years of addiction is taking a long time to correct itself. That is if it ever does. I often compare myself to living the life of a vampire because after two days of little sleep I am often slowing down as the sun speeds its rise into the sky. If ever there was a mystery in my life I wanted to solve it would be this one. For those of you who enjoy a good night's sleep, imagine your life without it. It compares to losing your ability to laugh, smile, taste, smell, stretch or just simply enjoy that long yawn that refreshes you. I hope that everyone enjoyed their sleep last night, I truly envy you. For Now.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
After eating dinner in the evening with mom I got ready and went to my usual meeting on tuesdays, then stopped to see CJ's mother at her job and appologize for how tired I was when he wanted to play. I realize I can't do everything perfectly, but when it comes to kids I want to do my best no matter whom they belong to. I wrapped the night up hanging out with my best friend Tommy after he got out of work. Then back home to try and relax. For some reason, rest doesn't come easy these days. Its mainly what I want to talk about today. I normally like to stick to talking about spirituality and solutions in my life, but for a change I will focus on a problem I have not yet solved.
Since getting sober I have never been able to sleep in pattern. Starting with the detox phase of my sobriety, I initially shivered and squirmed in my skin every night. That lasted literally for a few weeks, the fevers finally subsiding with the help of medicine and the squirming.. well I either got used to it or a subsidance of some sort has occured thanks to my higher power and the implementation of spiritual principles in my life. Having those two obvious hindrences out of the way, you would think that I would be able to simmer down into a pattern of some sort for sleep. I try, I have tried. Something unkown to me is preventing it, and as certain things change it has not yet improved.
For nearly the entire first six months of my sobriety I suffered from horrid nightmare's and distrubing dreams that made no sense. I never slept more than 2 or 3 hours without waking up to one of these dreams. Night time seemed almost like work when I had to constantly wake up to a pounding heartbeat and calm my anxiety down for a half hour to try and sleep more. Over time the dreams got fewer and farther between, to where I at one point thought they were gone. They came back a month later to plague me and my rest again. My sponsor has told me time and again to take care of myself and my health, and that includes sleep at all costs. My doctor wanted me to try a strong tranquilizer to help the situation but out of fear for dependancy or other complications with my sobriety myself and my support group sided against trying it.
I can for the most part say now that the dreams, fevers, and anxiety are all but gone completely. What I can't say, is that I know what in the world is keeping me from being able to fall asleep now when I close my eyes. On the regular, unless I have run myself to an exhausted or tired state, I cannot simply go to bed after being up 19 hours and sleep. I just lay there, awake and unable to rest, opening my eyes to see another half hour of consciousness pass by. This goes on for an hour or more then I finally get fed up and find something to do. On a day where I get up at 5AM, if I stay active and busy until say 3 or 4AM the next morning, I can finally fall asleep within a half hour with no trouble. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
In search of a solution I have prayed many times. I have consulted doctors who's only solution is sedation through medication. I have changed diet, tried going without caffine and sugars, eliminated milk products for a week, and even tried forced sleep. I can only come to think that the damage I have done to my body, brain, metabolism, and biolical system in my 14 years of addiction is taking a long time to correct itself. That is if it ever does. I often compare myself to living the life of a vampire because after two days of little sleep I am often slowing down as the sun speeds its rise into the sky. If ever there was a mystery in my life I wanted to solve it would be this one. For those of you who enjoy a good night's sleep, imagine your life without it. It compares to losing your ability to laugh, smile, taste, smell, stretch or just simply enjoy that long yawn that refreshes you. I hope that everyone enjoyed their sleep last night, I truly envy you. For Now.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A Thinking Disease
Mar 09. Good Morning, Afternoon, Night. For the online world I guess its all different times out there. But one thing that doesn't care what the time is.. is addiction/alcoholism. Its not just a physical, mental or spiritual disease.. its all of those and its a THINKING disease. I learn more about that everyday as I try to battle my own thinking and my old ways. Going to meetings & talking to others in recovery, as well as reading, are all preventative measures to aid in supressing old alcoholic thoughts. I still get them today, and yesterday, and tomorrow.
Monday was an off day in a few ways. I didn't feel the greatest and slept very late into the day. I kept waking up and was plagued by this ache that I can't describe. By the time I got motivated and did some things at home with my mom I felt like my day and myself were a total waste. Alcoholic thinking at its finest. I truly had a productive evening ahead that my diseased thinking would not allow me to see. I got cleaned up and ready for my evening group and was running so close to being late that I skipped dinner.
The more fellow addicts I talk to, the more I find out that I am not the only one who has a problem with positive thinking once a few off balance things occur. It seems a common thread among us that once things get going, the spiral further. It was only from the aid of a handful of great people in recovery that tonight, for a change, I was able to stop my alcoholic mind in its tracks. Before getting there I couldn't help but think that the rest of the night was going to be horrible. Thanks to positive people my mind quickly adapted.
I encourage people out there to do everything in their power to keep themselves positive. You never know when the way you present yourself or are thinking could influence another. It could make the world of difference for someone who otherwise is lost to the devices of their own mind. If we look at some of the worst thoughts we've had in our lives we can see that being in our heads can be a horrible place at times.
On a final note. The major mood changing mechanism and the one thing that releieved all tension at this meeting was Meditation. We practiced an audible, almost hypnotic, form of guided meditation. The soothing suggestions and sound of the woman's voice lulled me into a care free state. This itself PROVES to me that my mental condition is suggestive and relative to what is going on around me. If I want to steer clear of my alcoholic thinking, I need only put myself in an environment that presents the opposite. Call it a placebo effect, call it all in my head.. cuz thats what it is. Its the thinking in my head that can keep me from or lead me to a drink or drug. If its brainwashing then GOOD, my dirty alcoholic thoughts could use a little 'washing'. Thanks for taking time to listen. For now.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Monday was an off day in a few ways. I didn't feel the greatest and slept very late into the day. I kept waking up and was plagued by this ache that I can't describe. By the time I got motivated and did some things at home with my mom I felt like my day and myself were a total waste. Alcoholic thinking at its finest. I truly had a productive evening ahead that my diseased thinking would not allow me to see. I got cleaned up and ready for my evening group and was running so close to being late that I skipped dinner.
The more fellow addicts I talk to, the more I find out that I am not the only one who has a problem with positive thinking once a few off balance things occur. It seems a common thread among us that once things get going, the spiral further. It was only from the aid of a handful of great people in recovery that tonight, for a change, I was able to stop my alcoholic mind in its tracks. Before getting there I couldn't help but think that the rest of the night was going to be horrible. Thanks to positive people my mind quickly adapted.
I encourage people out there to do everything in their power to keep themselves positive. You never know when the way you present yourself or are thinking could influence another. It could make the world of difference for someone who otherwise is lost to the devices of their own mind. If we look at some of the worst thoughts we've had in our lives we can see that being in our heads can be a horrible place at times.
On a final note. The major mood changing mechanism and the one thing that releieved all tension at this meeting was Meditation. We practiced an audible, almost hypnotic, form of guided meditation. The soothing suggestions and sound of the woman's voice lulled me into a care free state. This itself PROVES to me that my mental condition is suggestive and relative to what is going on around me. If I want to steer clear of my alcoholic thinking, I need only put myself in an environment that presents the opposite. Call it a placebo effect, call it all in my head.. cuz thats what it is. Its the thinking in my head that can keep me from or lead me to a drink or drug. If its brainwashing then GOOD, my dirty alcoholic thoughts could use a little 'washing'. Thanks for taking time to listen. For now.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Three Days Grace: Not The Band
Mar 7. Well friends its been a few days and I am overdue and missing the blog badly. Its the transition phase of the weekend right now, a little after midnight going into sunday morning. I just wanted to log in and share some of my adventures the past few days to keep on the open and up & up. I am not sure if I will end up turning a topic tonight but if I don't we will resume monday with something a little more pointed. With that said its good to be back on and taking a few moments to look at a computer screen.
I want to peddle back to thursday, which is the day I set off to Philadelphia to get my BlackBerry phone that isn't available anywhere else in the state yet (maybe in pittsburg?). I had plans originally to have someone ride with me but wed night they cancelled, in a pinch I found someone else. By eleven oclock on wed night they someone managed to cancel as well, after cancelling three prior engagements with me as well during the week. I had just about had enough and was on the verge of setting spiritual principles aside and telling this person how my inner alcoholic felt about the way I was being shoved aside. Somehow I managed to not do that and choked it back, and in suprise they actually took my advice and called my mother to get a calm, collected, and un-bias explination of what their actions (or lack there of) was doing to my spirituality and my friendship with them.
So I went to sleep wed night assuming I was taking the trip to philly alone, not a great thing for an alcoholic/addict in recovery to do alone. I had asked many others to come, but none had the time nor desire to go it seemed. Thursday morning my mom suggested taking my cousin chris with me on the trip. Perfect Idea! Leave it to the non-alcoholic to do the thinking, for my thinking is and has been broken for some time. Only through the 12 step program does it improve, One day at at time! We left for philly thinking all would be well, until at 80mph we hit a seam in the road that cracked my exhaust pipe in half. The car roared loader than a tractor trailer on the jake brake for about 8 miles of the turnpike.
We found an exit and a downhill run into town, I spotted a garage. The place was fully equipped with welding & repair equipment and was an inspection station.. the catch.. it was an RV garage. The owner came out, not wanting to help his fellow man, and said, "We don't do work on cars, get on out of here.. I don't care if you got money, I don't wanna work on no car". Being almost over a hundred miles from home, a tow was not an option. Back to the hill we go and rolling down it I see another garage. In the past I would have let this prior man's self hatred and self seeking attitude steer me away from trying again.. but I am an addict in recovery, people are different and can change. There had to be someone who had learned to act & live in a spiritual manner that I am being taught. We pulled into another garage for another try.
"Give me your cell phone number and I'll call u when this car comes off the lift, I can see what I can do for you". This man, the mechanic, and the young boy helping were all kind folks. It almost seemed like they were from the fellowship I belonged to, for they treated me with respect and urgency as though I was a brother or family member. I got that call within 10 minutes and my car was on the lift. Now he rebuilt the pipe and welded a new segment on to make it work. You would think this emergency fix would be rather pricy. "30 bucks the boss says". God IS and DOES exist. I had no one to help me, a spiritual addict in recovery.. once the scum of the earth, yet this man, after a short prayer and a hopeful attempt at something I moments ago failed at getting done, he helped me for pennies. I told him that it was not enough. I would pay his boss the fee but he must take another 20 dollars from me.. and he did with a smile.
I made it to philadelphia thursday, and home safely with my new phone. All thanks to the kindness of strangers who put principles before personalities. Wholesome and spiritual prinicples that say when a person is in need and of just cause, we will support them any way we can. Even if that way is a cheap repair done professionally in emergency time frames. I thank my higher power for the people I met that day and for watching over me on that trip.. all so I could have one thing that would make me happy, that didn't involve putting a chemical into my body. Friday came and I chaired a meeting with my sponsor at my 12 step home group. It was my first qualified & official time chairing a meeting and it was fun. I did everything from make the coffee, run the meeting, to cleaning up and it felt good to put on the work to help my fellow alcoholic/addict.
Saturday I ran the Treasure Hunters shop at the market, running into slow business & a problem. One of the partners did not have their share of the rent. After a stressful day of trying to work something out so that they could have a chance to pay it late, an agreement was finally resolved. I successfully managed to take the brunt of many different people's opinions, attitudes, and anger without allowing myself to lose my composure of track of my mission.. to run my business in a professional and profitable fashion. Regaurdless of the tasks we are faced with, if we live with spiritual principles in mind, apply them to our lives, and reach out to our higher power for strength, hope and guidance.. we can achieve anything and miracles will fall into our lives that take us past the points where we have given up in the past. Hang in there, listen to suggestions, and do the next right thing.. thats what I plan to do tomorrow, and the next day after each one I live through. All a gift from my higher power. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
I want to peddle back to thursday, which is the day I set off to Philadelphia to get my BlackBerry phone that isn't available anywhere else in the state yet (maybe in pittsburg?). I had plans originally to have someone ride with me but wed night they cancelled, in a pinch I found someone else. By eleven oclock on wed night they someone managed to cancel as well, after cancelling three prior engagements with me as well during the week. I had just about had enough and was on the verge of setting spiritual principles aside and telling this person how my inner alcoholic felt about the way I was being shoved aside. Somehow I managed to not do that and choked it back, and in suprise they actually took my advice and called my mother to get a calm, collected, and un-bias explination of what their actions (or lack there of) was doing to my spirituality and my friendship with them.
So I went to sleep wed night assuming I was taking the trip to philly alone, not a great thing for an alcoholic/addict in recovery to do alone. I had asked many others to come, but none had the time nor desire to go it seemed. Thursday morning my mom suggested taking my cousin chris with me on the trip. Perfect Idea! Leave it to the non-alcoholic to do the thinking, for my thinking is and has been broken for some time. Only through the 12 step program does it improve, One day at at time! We left for philly thinking all would be well, until at 80mph we hit a seam in the road that cracked my exhaust pipe in half. The car roared loader than a tractor trailer on the jake brake for about 8 miles of the turnpike.
We found an exit and a downhill run into town, I spotted a garage. The place was fully equipped with welding & repair equipment and was an inspection station.. the catch.. it was an RV garage. The owner came out, not wanting to help his fellow man, and said, "We don't do work on cars, get on out of here.. I don't care if you got money, I don't wanna work on no car". Being almost over a hundred miles from home, a tow was not an option. Back to the hill we go and rolling down it I see another garage. In the past I would have let this prior man's self hatred and self seeking attitude steer me away from trying again.. but I am an addict in recovery, people are different and can change. There had to be someone who had learned to act & live in a spiritual manner that I am being taught. We pulled into another garage for another try.
"Give me your cell phone number and I'll call u when this car comes off the lift, I can see what I can do for you". This man, the mechanic, and the young boy helping were all kind folks. It almost seemed like they were from the fellowship I belonged to, for they treated me with respect and urgency as though I was a brother or family member. I got that call within 10 minutes and my car was on the lift. Now he rebuilt the pipe and welded a new segment on to make it work. You would think this emergency fix would be rather pricy. "30 bucks the boss says". God IS and DOES exist. I had no one to help me, a spiritual addict in recovery.. once the scum of the earth, yet this man, after a short prayer and a hopeful attempt at something I moments ago failed at getting done, he helped me for pennies. I told him that it was not enough. I would pay his boss the fee but he must take another 20 dollars from me.. and he did with a smile.
I made it to philadelphia thursday, and home safely with my new phone. All thanks to the kindness of strangers who put principles before personalities. Wholesome and spiritual prinicples that say when a person is in need and of just cause, we will support them any way we can. Even if that way is a cheap repair done professionally in emergency time frames. I thank my higher power for the people I met that day and for watching over me on that trip.. all so I could have one thing that would make me happy, that didn't involve putting a chemical into my body. Friday came and I chaired a meeting with my sponsor at my 12 step home group. It was my first qualified & official time chairing a meeting and it was fun. I did everything from make the coffee, run the meeting, to cleaning up and it felt good to put on the work to help my fellow alcoholic/addict.
Saturday I ran the Treasure Hunters shop at the market, running into slow business & a problem. One of the partners did not have their share of the rent. After a stressful day of trying to work something out so that they could have a chance to pay it late, an agreement was finally resolved. I successfully managed to take the brunt of many different people's opinions, attitudes, and anger without allowing myself to lose my composure of track of my mission.. to run my business in a professional and profitable fashion. Regaurdless of the tasks we are faced with, if we live with spiritual principles in mind, apply them to our lives, and reach out to our higher power for strength, hope and guidance.. we can achieve anything and miracles will fall into our lives that take us past the points where we have given up in the past. Hang in there, listen to suggestions, and do the next right thing.. thats what I plan to do tomorrow, and the next day after each one I live through. All a gift from my higher power. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Spiritual Outlets
Mar 2 Evening. Hey friends, back again to share some more today. I figured since this morning was kind of playing catch up that tonight should call for another post to SOS. I really want to thank everyone who reads & follows and a special thanks to all who joined the facebook fan page and suggests it to friends. Spirituality is not only something I want to share with people, but for others to share as well. The growing in my Spiritual Life has greatly filled the void of my long lived addiction and is a true blessing that I hope everyone can one day enjoy themselves. It was not too long ago that my life was empty, consisting of thoughts, actions, and an existance of no morals what so ever. Tonight I can reflect on that and really appreciate what the direction of others has put in to my life. The secret to it all that took so long for me to get was that all I had to do was let go and follow the way.
The world is full of Spiritual Outlets for us to learn from, but until we know what we are looking for its often difficult to find or identify them. Religious leaders and pillars of the 'church' communities are often seen as sources of spiritual knowledge. In modern days many people shy away from these outlets because of their own personal beliefs or lack of acknowledgement of their beleifs. In other words they don't want people to get religous on them when they are looking for spiritual leadership. This is something I could totally relate to earlier in my recovery. I had for a long time thought the God of my understanding had turned his back on me, leaving me defected and alone in my condition. Because of this resentment I too refused to turn to the 'church' for guidance in rebuilding a spiritual life. I had to find other ways to grow spiritually, and fortunately I did.
It was in the rooms of the 12 step programs and the people there that I found people who were spiritual fit enough to show me the way. They had recovered from a hopeless state of mind, body, & spirit cause by addiction/alcoholism and because of this I trusted they knew things that I did not, mainly because for 14 years I could not figure out what they had. As my eyes were opened to spiritual concepts and my mind was each day growing stronger without chemicals in it, I started to notice other sources of spirituality in the world around me. Books that seemed to fit what these "well' people were talking about. One in specific was named "The Search For Serenity". And there were others, even some articles in magazines seemed to prove that there was something more to contribute. After so much exposure to this great miracle healing within me called spirituality, it came time to finally credit something to its existance. What created spirituality? What made it possible?
For me, that answer was a higher power. Nothing of this world, in fact I believe this world is a possibility because of it. Neither man nor woman, beast or being, the higher power I call God just IS. To me GOD IS, and created all and all its possibilities. It is responsible for the growth of inanimate and immeasurable wealth I call spirituality. That thing that gets me outside of my selfish and unworthy human self and into others and the world around me. Selfless acts of kindness, doing the right thing, wishing well upon my fellow human, and praying for my enemies to get in their lives what I wish for my own. This magical and illogical concept that I somehow want in my life dazzles me. Who in their right mind would want for others when they could want for themselves instead? Thats just the mystery behind it that makes me seek out more. The reward I feel through doing whats right, by being selfless instead of selfish, and other spiritual actions, is a reward that carries me through each day. I believe it may be what has removed my compulsion to use drugs and drink. Only my higher power knows exactly why or how it works, but luckily he has shown me how to stay connected to the mystery.
I have come to the assumption that spirituality was always a part of the world around me, just in my own mind and heart it did not exist for quite some time. When the drugs were gone from my life and the hole in my heart was big enough I finally opened my eyes for something to fill it. I didn't truly discover new outlets for this spiritual fulfillment, they were always there and I had no room to fit it in my heart before. We all can find ourselves in this condition from many causes. Drugs, Obessions, Relationships, Addicitons, Busy Lives, all causes for us to fill up on non-spiritual things which leaves our hearts with no room. When we slow down, clear out, and open up we can finally discover whats been there all along. The spiritual outlets are ready for us to plug into as soon as we are ready and willing. "Are you ready? Are you willing to let go of things to make room for spirituality in your life?" Thanks for blogging in, for now.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
The world is full of Spiritual Outlets for us to learn from, but until we know what we are looking for its often difficult to find or identify them. Religious leaders and pillars of the 'church' communities are often seen as sources of spiritual knowledge. In modern days many people shy away from these outlets because of their own personal beliefs or lack of acknowledgement of their beleifs. In other words they don't want people to get religous on them when they are looking for spiritual leadership. This is something I could totally relate to earlier in my recovery. I had for a long time thought the God of my understanding had turned his back on me, leaving me defected and alone in my condition. Because of this resentment I too refused to turn to the 'church' for guidance in rebuilding a spiritual life. I had to find other ways to grow spiritually, and fortunately I did.
It was in the rooms of the 12 step programs and the people there that I found people who were spiritual fit enough to show me the way. They had recovered from a hopeless state of mind, body, & spirit cause by addiction/alcoholism and because of this I trusted they knew things that I did not, mainly because for 14 years I could not figure out what they had. As my eyes were opened to spiritual concepts and my mind was each day growing stronger without chemicals in it, I started to notice other sources of spirituality in the world around me. Books that seemed to fit what these "well' people were talking about. One in specific was named "The Search For Serenity". And there were others, even some articles in magazines seemed to prove that there was something more to contribute. After so much exposure to this great miracle healing within me called spirituality, it came time to finally credit something to its existance. What created spirituality? What made it possible?
For me, that answer was a higher power. Nothing of this world, in fact I believe this world is a possibility because of it. Neither man nor woman, beast or being, the higher power I call God just IS. To me GOD IS, and created all and all its possibilities. It is responsible for the growth of inanimate and immeasurable wealth I call spirituality. That thing that gets me outside of my selfish and unworthy human self and into others and the world around me. Selfless acts of kindness, doing the right thing, wishing well upon my fellow human, and praying for my enemies to get in their lives what I wish for my own. This magical and illogical concept that I somehow want in my life dazzles me. Who in their right mind would want for others when they could want for themselves instead? Thats just the mystery behind it that makes me seek out more. The reward I feel through doing whats right, by being selfless instead of selfish, and other spiritual actions, is a reward that carries me through each day. I believe it may be what has removed my compulsion to use drugs and drink. Only my higher power knows exactly why or how it works, but luckily he has shown me how to stay connected to the mystery.
I have come to the assumption that spirituality was always a part of the world around me, just in my own mind and heart it did not exist for quite some time. When the drugs were gone from my life and the hole in my heart was big enough I finally opened my eyes for something to fill it. I didn't truly discover new outlets for this spiritual fulfillment, they were always there and I had no room to fit it in my heart before. We all can find ourselves in this condition from many causes. Drugs, Obessions, Relationships, Addicitons, Busy Lives, all causes for us to fill up on non-spiritual things which leaves our hearts with no room. When we slow down, clear out, and open up we can finally discover whats been there all along. The spiritual outlets are ready for us to plug into as soon as we are ready and willing. "Are you ready? Are you willing to let go of things to make room for spirituality in your life?" Thanks for blogging in, for now.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Commitment - Its Not Just A Relationship Thing
March 2. Hey friend's & happy Tuesday. Thanks for being patient for the next post. I have been hammered with a case of the "busy life" since the later half of last week. Finally coming through the other side of it and working on better managing my time, I've decided to post today in the morning rather than at night so I can catch up and get on here. For the most part the things that have been keeping me busy are exactly what I want to talk about. There is an underlying topic beneath all the things I've been doing lately that I would like to share about more than the actual specifics of what I've been up to. With that in mind, I wanted to bring up a word that for me has a few parts to it that make up its general meaning. That word is "Commitment"
When most people today hear the word, they think about a "commitment" to a boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband, or in some of the normal instances a job or career. For me personally, commitment means something else entirely. Early in Sobriety it was suggested to me that if I wanted to remain sober & make changes in my life that last I should make & keep "commitments". The definition they were using of the word had a meaning sort of like this: commitment - taking on an obligation to be at, or be involved in, a specific or series of socially/spiritual/self improving events or position of responsibility that will give importance to and stabilize one's place in the Sober Community. With that in mind I want to mention a few of the examples that I have begun to take part in personally, not to brag or toot my own horn, but to share what I've been up to and explain why it works and what I get out of it.
Some of the commitments I've made are for myself and my sobriety, some for the aid and service of other addicts/alcoholics, and still some others for my fellow man (human) as a whole. The first major commitment I made in Sobriety was to join a home group (12 step group) and be at all their meetings & monthly business meeting. This commitment seems like I am simply supporting my fellow alcoholic by adding attending their group, but it truly helped me more by giving me a place to learn & grow as well as call 'home'. My first few weeks there I volunteered to make the coffee for the meetings in service to my fellow man that would attend. I joined a council to redesign the by-laws of the group in the past as well, but most recently I took on a commitment to go over the inventory of literature, supplies, and Sobriety Coins during the month of March. I also have signed up to co-chair the friday meetings there for the month of March with my sponsor, which I am eager to do as it will be my first time I can say I am qualified to do so.
Outside the program of recovery I belong I have made commitments to my personal life as well. Opening my business, I have commited to be at the market every Saturday & Sunday in hopes of it will succeed and become prosperous. This commitment is not only to myself, but to two business partners as well who rely on me to be there and stay 'in business' for the duration of the year. When the suggestion to a retired counselor to start a "new type" of recovery group was put into action, I was asked to make a commitment to be there. Because I followed through with that commitment I ended up making a new one by being asked to take the Office of Secretary for the group. The responsibilities associated with the position are filling up my spare time and giving me purpose & new skills that I once could not draw on during addiciton. These are just a few of the many commitments I have made in Sobriety, but the most important of all has yet to be mentioned. When I was working on my 'third step' with my sponsor, I made a commitment to the higher power I believe in (the God of my understanding). That commitment was to do It's will rather then my own as much as possible. In doing so I believe the rewards are beyond comprehension and the effect on my fellow man is positive.
What I get out of these commitments is not just self reward. By taking them on I have given myself both reason and momentum to stay Sober. My place in the Sober Community is stable and reserved with each commitment I take on as there is a need for all sorts of things to be done in support of it. They add to my character as I experience each new way I can help myself and others. I get to be an example of what "good action" can add to a person's life & what things a person can do that will help them live in recovery. I get to see that smile on the face of another who benefits from my commitments, even if it is as simple as them enjoying the warm cup of coffe at a meeting. All of this and more did not exist before I made the commitments in Sobriety. In fact, I was not able to make any commitments during my addiction. From useless to useful they have proven to me that I am more than an ex-junkie who put the drugs & drink down, I am a tool of my higher power that can effectively do work in the world around me. Purpose & satisfaction, something to be proud of and make sleep enjoyable without the ghost of conscience. There are commitments we all can take on to make the life of others, and our own, so enjoyable. I've heard the call from many like President's, actors, religious leaders.. to get involved in our world, but no call from a man or woman for commitment is so great as the one from our own HEART. Commitment - Its Not Just A Relationship Thing. "Are You Commited?" Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
When most people today hear the word, they think about a "commitment" to a boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband, or in some of the normal instances a job or career. For me personally, commitment means something else entirely. Early in Sobriety it was suggested to me that if I wanted to remain sober & make changes in my life that last I should make & keep "commitments". The definition they were using of the word had a meaning sort of like this: commitment - taking on an obligation to be at, or be involved in, a specific or series of socially/spiritual/self improving events or position of responsibility that will give importance to and stabilize one's place in the Sober Community. With that in mind I want to mention a few of the examples that I have begun to take part in personally, not to brag or toot my own horn, but to share what I've been up to and explain why it works and what I get out of it.
Some of the commitments I've made are for myself and my sobriety, some for the aid and service of other addicts/alcoholics, and still some others for my fellow man (human) as a whole. The first major commitment I made in Sobriety was to join a home group (12 step group) and be at all their meetings & monthly business meeting. This commitment seems like I am simply supporting my fellow alcoholic by adding attending their group, but it truly helped me more by giving me a place to learn & grow as well as call 'home'. My first few weeks there I volunteered to make the coffee for the meetings in service to my fellow man that would attend. I joined a council to redesign the by-laws of the group in the past as well, but most recently I took on a commitment to go over the inventory of literature, supplies, and Sobriety Coins during the month of March. I also have signed up to co-chair the friday meetings there for the month of March with my sponsor, which I am eager to do as it will be my first time I can say I am qualified to do so.
Outside the program of recovery I belong I have made commitments to my personal life as well. Opening my business, I have commited to be at the market every Saturday & Sunday in hopes of it will succeed and become prosperous. This commitment is not only to myself, but to two business partners as well who rely on me to be there and stay 'in business' for the duration of the year. When the suggestion to a retired counselor to start a "new type" of recovery group was put into action, I was asked to make a commitment to be there. Because I followed through with that commitment I ended up making a new one by being asked to take the Office of Secretary for the group. The responsibilities associated with the position are filling up my spare time and giving me purpose & new skills that I once could not draw on during addiciton. These are just a few of the many commitments I have made in Sobriety, but the most important of all has yet to be mentioned. When I was working on my 'third step' with my sponsor, I made a commitment to the higher power I believe in (the God of my understanding). That commitment was to do It's will rather then my own as much as possible. In doing so I believe the rewards are beyond comprehension and the effect on my fellow man is positive.
What I get out of these commitments is not just self reward. By taking them on I have given myself both reason and momentum to stay Sober. My place in the Sober Community is stable and reserved with each commitment I take on as there is a need for all sorts of things to be done in support of it. They add to my character as I experience each new way I can help myself and others. I get to be an example of what "good action" can add to a person's life & what things a person can do that will help them live in recovery. I get to see that smile on the face of another who benefits from my commitments, even if it is as simple as them enjoying the warm cup of coffe at a meeting. All of this and more did not exist before I made the commitments in Sobriety. In fact, I was not able to make any commitments during my addiction. From useless to useful they have proven to me that I am more than an ex-junkie who put the drugs & drink down, I am a tool of my higher power that can effectively do work in the world around me. Purpose & satisfaction, something to be proud of and make sleep enjoyable without the ghost of conscience. There are commitments we all can take on to make the life of others, and our own, so enjoyable. I've heard the call from many like President's, actors, religious leaders.. to get involved in our world, but no call from a man or woman for commitment is so great as the one from our own HEART. Commitment - Its Not Just A Relationship Thing. "Are You Commited?" Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
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