Sleepless - A Piece Of Missing Health

Mar 10. Hey everyone. I wanted to get the new update posted for the morning coffee drinkers. Glad to have had the energy to do it, which I have too much energy seemingly these days, so here we are. Today I want to talk about an aspect of health & spirituality that I am losing out on, sleep. But first, about my day. Tuesday was pretty okay in my book. I was pretty tired early, so sleeping in seemed fun. I woke up to one of my favorite 'little people' saying "hey buddy wake up". It was CJ, an adorable little blond hair & blue eyed almost 3 year old. I try to be a positive role model to this guy because his father happens to not only skip his support, but also skips being there for him. I did the best I could being as tired as I was to talk to him and cheer him on as he played with the toys my mom keeps around for her grandkids. Once he left and things got quiet I fell back to sleep. My biological clock for some reason cannot seem to adjust to the life changes I am making, I can only pray and hope that one day it will turn as my life has.

After eating dinner in the evening with mom I got ready and went to my usual meeting on tuesdays, then stopped to see CJ's mother at her job and appologize for how tired I was when he wanted to play. I realize I can't do everything perfectly, but when it comes to kids I want to do my best no matter whom they belong to. I wrapped the night up hanging out with my best friend Tommy after he got out of work. Then back home to try and relax. For some reason, rest doesn't come easy these days. Its mainly what I want to talk about today. I normally like to stick to talking about spirituality and solutions in my life, but for a change I will focus on a problem I have not yet solved.

Since getting sober I have never been able to sleep in pattern. Starting with the detox phase of my sobriety, I initially shivered and squirmed in my skin every night. That lasted literally for a few weeks, the fevers finally subsiding with the help of medicine and the squirming.. well I either got used to it or a subsidance of some sort has occured thanks to my higher power and the implementation of spiritual principles in my life. Having those two obvious hindrences out of the way, you would think that I would be able to simmer down into a pattern of some sort for sleep. I try, I have tried. Something unkown to me is preventing it, and as certain things change it has not yet improved.

For nearly the entire first six months of my sobriety I suffered from horrid nightmare's and distrubing dreams that made no sense. I never slept more than 2 or 3 hours without waking up to one of these dreams. Night time seemed almost like work when I had to constantly wake up to a pounding heartbeat and calm my anxiety down for a half hour to try and sleep more. Over time the dreams got fewer and farther between, to where I at one point thought they were gone. They came back a month later to plague me and my rest again. My sponsor has told me time and again to take care of myself and my health, and that includes sleep at all costs. My doctor wanted me to try a strong tranquilizer to help the situation but out of fear for dependancy or other complications with my sobriety myself and my support group sided against trying it.

I can for the most part say now that the dreams, fevers, and anxiety are all but gone completely. What I can't say, is that I know what in the world is keeping me from being able to fall asleep now when I close my eyes. On the regular, unless I have run myself to an exhausted or tired state, I cannot simply go to bed after being up 19 hours and sleep. I just lay there, awake and unable to rest, opening my eyes to see another half hour of consciousness pass by. This goes on for an hour or more then I finally get fed up and find something to do. On a day where I get up at 5AM, if I stay active and busy until say 3 or 4AM the next morning, I can finally fall asleep within a half hour with no trouble. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

In search of a solution I have prayed many times. I have consulted doctors who's only solution is sedation through medication. I have changed diet, tried going without caffine and sugars, eliminated milk products for a week, and even tried forced sleep. I can only come to think that the damage I have done to my body, brain, metabolism, and biolical system in my 14 years of addiction is taking a long time to correct itself. That is if it ever does. I often compare myself to living the life of a vampire because after two days of little sleep I am often slowing down as the sun speeds its rise into the sky. If ever there was a mystery in my life I wanted to solve it would be this one. For those of you who enjoy a good night's sleep, imagine your life without it. It compares to losing your ability to laugh, smile, taste, smell, stretch or just simply enjoy that long yawn that refreshes you. I hope that everyone enjoyed their sleep last night, I truly envy you. For Now.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy