September 11. Hello everyone, I hope your day was much better than mine. It started off with potential but some horrible turn of events & my alcoholic mind turning made it's potential an impossible. The good part was a fair day at the market, however long it seemed to drag on it stayed busy throughout. At the close of the day I called my parents to check in & headed off to keep busy while waiting for news on my grandmother Nanny. She was to undergo a surgery to remove her gaul bladder because testing results had deemed it necessary to do so. There was an emergency surgery ahead of her so her time to go under was pushed back. I went to play cards & be close to the valley while I waited for an update. The update I got was not the one I wanted, she had made it through the surgery okay but during the process the doctors discovered cancer from her stomache to her liver. They were & are still to this point unsure of the stage of cancer it is or how long my Nanny will have/how well she will recover at the moment. To make it worse they had said she would do better with rest than visitors, at first that bothered me but then I needed to remember she needs to get well, I don't need my selfish wishes to see her to conflict with that. After getting that final verdict I started home, it was a long drive & I forgot to turn on the radio to try & distract myself. I made a phone call to my sponsor & got his voicemail, a few other calls to other friends as well & I left messages to each of them. I guess that there was one resource left for me to use at this point & when I got in my driveway I walked out into my yard, beneath the night sky.
I find it only fitting that it be September 11th, a day where everyone was looking to the skies for an answer in the history past. I too found myself doing that, only tonight instead. I called out to my higher power, in prayer & conversation. No sooner had I mustered the wishes of asking for strength & for my grandmother to endure this test to the level it see's fit.. a shooting star the likes & size that I have never before seen shot across the sky, breaking up before reaching the horizon in an orange & large streak. Another fitting coincidence is that my grandmother is a large woman, one of the largest, so that this shooting star be the largest I've ever seen.. NO.. it was no coincidence there is no such thing. My higher power intended me to be beneath that sky & to witness what I did at those moments I spoke those words. I am grateful for my higher power acknowledging me during this time of helplessness, tears of gratitude filled my eyes but I choked them back as I realized I was not sharing this miracle with anyone else. There are so many that are hurting right now, probably most of all my Nanny, her love is larger than she & has never let one of us down. She is the glue & the staple to our family & families beyond her own. I wonder of all the women in the world why her, but then again she has been blessed with 8 decades of eventful & laughter filled life.
This is not the first time I have had a sign like this during times of prayer, but it certainly means the most to me right now as this issue is pending & time is ticking. I have an ammendment to make to my grandmother, one that I will share in the open with you all because should she go back to her home I plan to visit her with an explination & an appology. During my active addiction I stole a necklace from her, using it to pay for drugs & the entire time I drove to sell it I could think nothing but her kind heart & how I could ever make it up to her. Maybe I can't, but if there is any way I can it must definitely be to support her through this & remain a positive part of our families life. To help protect the helpless as she has all her life & to grow in spirit as she has grown in size during the years. If ever I could equal her huge heart with my own I would be an accomplished man, she has gone without & feasted in plenty with those she loves & even perfect strangers. If there were a way to nominate her a saint, I would be filing the paperwork now. As a child she gave me my will to worship a higher power, something I had forgotten & had to relearn as I understand my higher power differently today. Without that higher power tonight I may not have had the strength to deal with this, nor to have the heart to hurt over it. It is by the mercy & miracle of my last resort & first relief, my higher power, that I can say I will continue on my path as my grandmother would have me. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Saturday, September 11, 2010
The Newcomer - Keeping It Green
September 11. Hello friends & family. Hope that everyone had a fantastic friday. It's officially saturday here & the date commemerates the horrible events of the attack on 9/11. I can remember being at work in an office when it all went down, ranting on about how the first plane was not an accident that it was an attack/act of war. People thought I was crazy, and I was back then, at least until the second plane hit. It was a definite tragedy in so many lives & a huge blow to the American morale. It was the middle of crazy times in my life & the beginning of crazy times for the entire country. A tragedy so bad would have had many wishing they were home safe with their families, not knowing what would come next, I can instead remember wanting to leave work & go get high. I was hooked badly into an all night party scene that was taking place daily at my apartment & was beggining to mix alcohol & other drugs which I was primarily taking up my nose at the time. While the world sat in awe & terror, I was planning my next high from my desk. Unaware of how much people around me in the world could use my support, I was off again on a selfish binge of the alcoholic nature. Folks, this is the effects that alcohol & drugs can have on our lives. A real bonified tragedy during a world-wide tragedy. When you stop caring about things around you, when your own father works for the government & could be a potential next target during an attack, and your mind is stuck on your own selfish needs & desires, you are almost stopped in time & stopped living. Looking back I can recall how I felt back then, I used to sing the lyrics of a song to myself over and over because I related to it so much, it was my life. "All tied up & dried up forever, all F&#ked up & dead to the world". Hard to forget those lyrics, but a great reminder today of how low I can go & how bad it can be. That is why today I not only try for personal Spiritual Growth, but I advocate it in others. Part of achieving this is like remembering the lyrics to that song, in other words having things in my life, program, and the world around me that keep it "green" or fresh in my mind.
Keeping it green is exactly what occured on friday night. I went to my usual friday night meeting expecting a normal discussion & actually wanting to talk about my grandmother in the hospital & some things bothering me about her falling ill. There was & is alot on my mind pertaining to her & my absence from her life as well as a few mistakes on my part that I have yet been able to make ammends for. But that all came to a hault, the poor me persona I was taking on was smashed to pieces when a newcomer spoke up at the beginning of the meeting. Immediately the focus in my mind was off myself & onto the newly arrived alcoholic. That is a strange magic that happens, helping us to remember what matters most when we are tilting in our thinking. I was reminded about how hard it was to get sober, about the mistakes I had made because of drugs & alcohol, the flashing lights of cops & ambulances, and the stranglehold I could not break free from. All the consequences to face, the cluelessness in not knowing how to stop or if the suggested help would work. I was back at day one with the newcomer beside me & I started to feel better. If not knowing how your future would end up is the worst it could get, then life was not so bad. That is what the program gives me today, a definite picture of today. That picture is of me sober & spiritual, helping others & working to do the right thing.
Spreading the message of hope & the potential of progress was not my intention going into the meeting, but it's exactly what happened. That is why the newcomer is so vital to the program, for those of us who have become trapped in a scenario in our lives or stagnent due to the lack of immediate change. We get a free reminder of what was & could again be if we go back out, but without having to slip up & experience the horror of rehab or detoxing at home. Many of us alcoholics & addicts are sure that we have another run left in us with drugs or alcohol, one that may or may not kill us but most likely will. The thing we are unsure of is if we have another recovery left in us. If in fact we can walk back through those doors & ask for help again, and if we will even want to at all once it has ahold of us. Today I am grateful for the newcomer, to remind me of why it is more important than ever to stay on the sober & spiritual path. No matter how troubling or straining the situaiton in my life, even if I am going through it alone, I truly am not alone at all & no drug or drink will make it better. Getting bombed tonight would have releived not one problem for my grandmother in the hospital, it would have not helped my self esteem towards the way I have neglected & cheated her in the past decade. It would have solved nothing & I think I am finally learning that, once and for all, that the solution lies in my ability to grow past things as a human being.. not to numb them down or delay their inevitable falling onto my shoulders. Keeping it green, you bet. Thanks newcomer. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Keeping it green is exactly what occured on friday night. I went to my usual friday night meeting expecting a normal discussion & actually wanting to talk about my grandmother in the hospital & some things bothering me about her falling ill. There was & is alot on my mind pertaining to her & my absence from her life as well as a few mistakes on my part that I have yet been able to make ammends for. But that all came to a hault, the poor me persona I was taking on was smashed to pieces when a newcomer spoke up at the beginning of the meeting. Immediately the focus in my mind was off myself & onto the newly arrived alcoholic. That is a strange magic that happens, helping us to remember what matters most when we are tilting in our thinking. I was reminded about how hard it was to get sober, about the mistakes I had made because of drugs & alcohol, the flashing lights of cops & ambulances, and the stranglehold I could not break free from. All the consequences to face, the cluelessness in not knowing how to stop or if the suggested help would work. I was back at day one with the newcomer beside me & I started to feel better. If not knowing how your future would end up is the worst it could get, then life was not so bad. That is what the program gives me today, a definite picture of today. That picture is of me sober & spiritual, helping others & working to do the right thing.
Spreading the message of hope & the potential of progress was not my intention going into the meeting, but it's exactly what happened. That is why the newcomer is so vital to the program, for those of us who have become trapped in a scenario in our lives or stagnent due to the lack of immediate change. We get a free reminder of what was & could again be if we go back out, but without having to slip up & experience the horror of rehab or detoxing at home. Many of us alcoholics & addicts are sure that we have another run left in us with drugs or alcohol, one that may or may not kill us but most likely will. The thing we are unsure of is if we have another recovery left in us. If in fact we can walk back through those doors & ask for help again, and if we will even want to at all once it has ahold of us. Today I am grateful for the newcomer, to remind me of why it is more important than ever to stay on the sober & spiritual path. No matter how troubling or straining the situaiton in my life, even if I am going through it alone, I truly am not alone at all & no drug or drink will make it better. Getting bombed tonight would have releived not one problem for my grandmother in the hospital, it would have not helped my self esteem towards the way I have neglected & cheated her in the past decade. It would have solved nothing & I think I am finally learning that, once and for all, that the solution lies in my ability to grow past things as a human being.. not to numb them down or delay their inevitable falling onto my shoulders. Keeping it green, you bet. Thanks newcomer. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Friday, September 10, 2010
Completely Sold - Working A Program
September 10. Hello everybody, its ticking on into Friday morning & I felt like writing while I sit home & awake. I'm not sure if I'll ever get this sleep thing right, if I run myself lean I still don't sleep & if I sleep all day sometimes I can pass back out immediately. I guess balance will come slowly like it does with everything else & if not then my Higher Power will find another way to take care of me. Thursday wasn't a bad day, I spent the afternoon with my Dad. He took me to my doctor's appointment & waited while I was in there for a little over an hour. It's nice to know he's involved with my health & recovery as far as support goes. After the visit there we took the long ride back home & even missed an exit, enjoying the scenic route & talking some. My mother was off attending to my Grandmother, she has not been well & things were looking bad so she had to be admitted into the hospital. Fortunately its not anything immediately threatening but they are testing and keeping her in there for a potential surgery. She is the last of my living grandparents & one that has been sweet to me throughout my life. Thinking back I can remember wronging her one time, she has yet to wrong me. So if there is nothing I can do now, I can at least pray avidly that she come out of this fine & return home safe & sound. I went to my usual Thursday meeting & saw a few friends there. The guest speaker had a great story & the topic was about "working the program". Some people play the program & never really get involved, some let it work them, then others who really want to make it give in & work the program.. with the help of others of course.
When it comes to working the program, there is no half-assed way of going about it. You can do things in half measure from the sideline & thats exactly where you'll stay, on the sideline & on the edge of losing sobriety & your spirituality if not more as well. I have seen & experienced many feelings myself about this, from not wanting to be involved enough to wanting to be absorbed in the program's potential in my life. This being the main topic I want to talk about tonight, I will speak more about it in a minute. First I want to mention something that many of us do as human beings & do not recognize or correct as spiritual biengs. We SELL OUT. When we do this, most times it is not to something positive in our lives or for the world around us for that matter. It's usually selfish, centered, and over time shows to be not any good for us at all. Some people sell out to a boyfriend or girlfriend, forgetting all about their friends, family, or the people that were there for them on those lonely days & nights. There are those who sell out to money, greed & the like, always wanting more & more material & monetary growth in their life. They lack the relationships, spirituality, and beliefs in a Higher Power of humble & moral rewards. I have probably sold out to many things, many not even mentioned here, but the one thing I sold out to that was worst in my life was Drugs & Alcohol. I don't know if I chose them or they chose me, but at some point there was no longer a choice. I had lost that ability to choose back any of my friends, family, or any of the other things or people I loved in my life. Selling out can be a negative or positive though, however rare the positive may be. A true miracle occured in my life & I got sober through the help of many & my Higher Power. The 12 Steps are helping to ensure I can remain sober & spiritual for the long haul. But I have had to sell out one more time, only this time to the program. That is how I "work my program" today. Completely Sold!
I have to not only hope, but also believe. I have to learn as well as teach. Advocate while developing within. I cannot ask for my time back nor can I wish there was another way. I must know & show that this is the one & only, the final solution, for all of my problems in life including Drugs & Alcohol. I am an alcoholic & drug addict, sober a little over one year, only because I have become COMPLETELY SOLD that the 12 Steps & a spiritual sober life was a lasting relief from the life I was trapped in before. So when someone that has seen "it work" suggests something to me, something that they are completely sold on having worked in their own sobriety, I won't hesitate to at least try it in my life. If they are as convinced as me that life is thousands folds better in sobriety than in active addiction, then they are trustworthy. Aside from that, the 12 Steps has refferences, as in the book that the fellowship uses to teach them. I own that refference, and others with the 12 Steps & Traditions in it, I can use those to find what someone is suggesting & see how it has worked for someone inside those books. They are all real stories, as real as mine. So if it's real, then I am Sold.. Completely Sold. Because having found no other way to do anything but fail & suffer, I would much rather succeed & be relatively happy every day of my life because I worked a simple program that requires me to believe. Sell Out? You betcha, but this time I haven't forgotten anybody.. not anyone that was worthwhile in my Higher Power's eyes anyway. Thanks for blogging in. Good Morning.. GOod Night.. <3 Jimmy
When it comes to working the program, there is no half-assed way of going about it. You can do things in half measure from the sideline & thats exactly where you'll stay, on the sideline & on the edge of losing sobriety & your spirituality if not more as well. I have seen & experienced many feelings myself about this, from not wanting to be involved enough to wanting to be absorbed in the program's potential in my life. This being the main topic I want to talk about tonight, I will speak more about it in a minute. First I want to mention something that many of us do as human beings & do not recognize or correct as spiritual biengs. We SELL OUT. When we do this, most times it is not to something positive in our lives or for the world around us for that matter. It's usually selfish, centered, and over time shows to be not any good for us at all. Some people sell out to a boyfriend or girlfriend, forgetting all about their friends, family, or the people that were there for them on those lonely days & nights. There are those who sell out to money, greed & the like, always wanting more & more material & monetary growth in their life. They lack the relationships, spirituality, and beliefs in a Higher Power of humble & moral rewards. I have probably sold out to many things, many not even mentioned here, but the one thing I sold out to that was worst in my life was Drugs & Alcohol. I don't know if I chose them or they chose me, but at some point there was no longer a choice. I had lost that ability to choose back any of my friends, family, or any of the other things or people I loved in my life. Selling out can be a negative or positive though, however rare the positive may be. A true miracle occured in my life & I got sober through the help of many & my Higher Power. The 12 Steps are helping to ensure I can remain sober & spiritual for the long haul. But I have had to sell out one more time, only this time to the program. That is how I "work my program" today. Completely Sold!
I have to not only hope, but also believe. I have to learn as well as teach. Advocate while developing within. I cannot ask for my time back nor can I wish there was another way. I must know & show that this is the one & only, the final solution, for all of my problems in life including Drugs & Alcohol. I am an alcoholic & drug addict, sober a little over one year, only because I have become COMPLETELY SOLD that the 12 Steps & a spiritual sober life was a lasting relief from the life I was trapped in before. So when someone that has seen "it work" suggests something to me, something that they are completely sold on having worked in their own sobriety, I won't hesitate to at least try it in my life. If they are as convinced as me that life is thousands folds better in sobriety than in active addiction, then they are trustworthy. Aside from that, the 12 Steps has refferences, as in the book that the fellowship uses to teach them. I own that refference, and others with the 12 Steps & Traditions in it, I can use those to find what someone is suggesting & see how it has worked for someone inside those books. They are all real stories, as real as mine. So if it's real, then I am Sold.. Completely Sold. Because having found no other way to do anything but fail & suffer, I would much rather succeed & be relatively happy every day of my life because I worked a simple program that requires me to believe. Sell Out? You betcha, but this time I haven't forgotten anybody.. not anyone that was worthwhile in my Higher Power's eyes anyway. Thanks for blogging in. Good Morning.. GOod Night.. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Family - Before & After
September 07. What a wonderful world it is. There was a time when I couldn't see how lucky we all are to be alive. Tuesday was just as good as any other day, even though I accomplished very little. I gave in to the urge to do nothing today & slept most of it away. My parents had to take an all day trip to NY for the wake of my Great Aunt so I was home alone. I had nothing major in the agenda & no activities until the evening so I set the alarm & drifted in & out as the day passed on. Sometimes I run so lean with little sleep that other times like this it's nice to just pass a day along in rest. My parents got back just before the time I would have gotten myself up, so I got motivated a few minutes early. A quick cleanup & out the door I went to Tuesday's outdoor meeting. It's nice to be outside in the fresh air & among other people in recovery, I try not to ever miss Tuesday nights in the summer time. I got to see quite a many friend there, alot of them key people in my many baby steps of recovery. The topic came out & I was second to share, the focus of the group tonight was right up my alley & applied directly to everything I had experienced & put others through. The topic was "Family - Before & After Our Addiction/Alcoholism".
I don't need to go out on a limb to say that my family for quite some time was clueless to my disease. Perhaps what little they did know was mistaken for youthly mishaps & experimentation, but before too long it had become 14 years of hell for me & everything short of long term institutionalization had been suffered at not only my expense but my family's as well. It had become clear that the fun loving boy we all knew, as I once did know myself before the onset of addiction, had lost his spark & left behind a shell of a boy in a man's body. I have always had two loving sisters, despite fights as kids & some purposeful torment that siblings go through, both had sheltered, nourished, and been there for me like a second mother in ways. Looking back at what has happened, had they known completely what was going on in my life, they may not have been able to let me in their homes or their hearts. I am grateful they never completely abandoned me. My parents went through my youth as supportive & loving as they could be. I cannot even say that I had a bad youth, I lived with many luxuries & the attention that so many kids who turn out fine did not have. I remember there coming a point when I no longer wanted my parents attention or help, I just wanted to be left alone to dabble in my self destruction. The more they tried to be involved & love me, the further I had to get away from them to disclose my growing disease. There was never a time from age 12 where I had control, when there was it could last for a few hours or a few small days but then I had to hand all control back over to the monster within.
I could never blame my family for my disease, it is what it is & I surely have a strong case of alcoholism, I can tortue myself with speculation that if things were different growing up would I ever have tried this drug or that drink but what is the point of that. What is most important is the family I have today. They are nothing less than twice the support I had as a child, and maybe they need to be for all of our sakes. I know that with every ounce of myself that I put into recovery & building a new life, they have if not matched it, then put twice themselves into it if not more. One specific member of my family I would like to speak on is my niece. When living with my sister on & off for a decade, my niece went from newly born to growing up into a young woman. Never had I thought she was in tune with the self created tragedies of my life, but she was. There wasn't a time that she didn't suspect I was struggling in life, she knew I was "sick" but may or may not have known more. I don't ask her because I know today she knows that I am a recovering alcoholic & addict, and I can remain an example of what not to do & what to do if she finds herself in my position. I can only stay sober now so that the spiritual part of me that grows will never have to miss another day of her youth that is left. For so much of my 14 years in active addiction things were a blur, times & dates, events & memories are hard to remember & I can only gather pieces to date. Today is crystal clear however, and I want it to stay that way. My parents & I actually do more than get along, we live together happily & we spend time together when I can remember not to be selfish. My sisters can approach me for the first time in their lives & not worry if I am going to flee to hide in solitude somewhere or stay awake all night wondering if I will be found dead of an overdose. I never thought I hurt anyone until I got sober, when it finally hit me it was like a train hitting a wall... pieces flew everywhere & I am still trying to put them together. The time will come that I am able to return the love that was always there, I try to do that now & will be more able as time passes, until then I can do what is necessary for my sobriety & to grow as a spiritual son & brother to them. As far as being an Uncle, I've had my times where I got to be a very good one & there are more times to come. Looking forward to the Family of today, and walking away from the black sheep I was yesterday. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
I don't need to go out on a limb to say that my family for quite some time was clueless to my disease. Perhaps what little they did know was mistaken for youthly mishaps & experimentation, but before too long it had become 14 years of hell for me & everything short of long term institutionalization had been suffered at not only my expense but my family's as well. It had become clear that the fun loving boy we all knew, as I once did know myself before the onset of addiction, had lost his spark & left behind a shell of a boy in a man's body. I have always had two loving sisters, despite fights as kids & some purposeful torment that siblings go through, both had sheltered, nourished, and been there for me like a second mother in ways. Looking back at what has happened, had they known completely what was going on in my life, they may not have been able to let me in their homes or their hearts. I am grateful they never completely abandoned me. My parents went through my youth as supportive & loving as they could be. I cannot even say that I had a bad youth, I lived with many luxuries & the attention that so many kids who turn out fine did not have. I remember there coming a point when I no longer wanted my parents attention or help, I just wanted to be left alone to dabble in my self destruction. The more they tried to be involved & love me, the further I had to get away from them to disclose my growing disease. There was never a time from age 12 where I had control, when there was it could last for a few hours or a few small days but then I had to hand all control back over to the monster within.
I could never blame my family for my disease, it is what it is & I surely have a strong case of alcoholism, I can tortue myself with speculation that if things were different growing up would I ever have tried this drug or that drink but what is the point of that. What is most important is the family I have today. They are nothing less than twice the support I had as a child, and maybe they need to be for all of our sakes. I know that with every ounce of myself that I put into recovery & building a new life, they have if not matched it, then put twice themselves into it if not more. One specific member of my family I would like to speak on is my niece. When living with my sister on & off for a decade, my niece went from newly born to growing up into a young woman. Never had I thought she was in tune with the self created tragedies of my life, but she was. There wasn't a time that she didn't suspect I was struggling in life, she knew I was "sick" but may or may not have known more. I don't ask her because I know today she knows that I am a recovering alcoholic & addict, and I can remain an example of what not to do & what to do if she finds herself in my position. I can only stay sober now so that the spiritual part of me that grows will never have to miss another day of her youth that is left. For so much of my 14 years in active addiction things were a blur, times & dates, events & memories are hard to remember & I can only gather pieces to date. Today is crystal clear however, and I want it to stay that way. My parents & I actually do more than get along, we live together happily & we spend time together when I can remember not to be selfish. My sisters can approach me for the first time in their lives & not worry if I am going to flee to hide in solitude somewhere or stay awake all night wondering if I will be found dead of an overdose. I never thought I hurt anyone until I got sober, when it finally hit me it was like a train hitting a wall... pieces flew everywhere & I am still trying to put them together. The time will come that I am able to return the love that was always there, I try to do that now & will be more able as time passes, until then I can do what is necessary for my sobriety & to grow as a spiritual son & brother to them. As far as being an Uncle, I've had my times where I got to be a very good one & there are more times to come. Looking forward to the Family of today, and walking away from the black sheep I was yesterday. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Monday, September 6, 2010
Ammends - Between Now & Then
September 06. Hello everyone, glad to be alive & sober another day. Also glad to be able to write to you all here, this project has been both relieving & fulfilling at the same time. Today I enjoyed a beautiful Holdiay weekend with family & a few friends of the family. We had a cookout, so I got a great meal w/ an awesome dessert & got to see the kids play around for hours having fun. I can ask for nothing more than enjoyment for everybody on days like this & my wishes were answered gracefully by my Higher Power today. I got to show off some of the new merchandise for the jewelry business to the people who came over & there was a lot of 'ooh's & ahh's' over some of the pieces. That helped build my confidence that I picked up some good things for the market month ahead, which would be good because things have slowed down to a trickle for reasons I can only speculate at this point. Some people had left by the time I was ready to head out myself, MARS Group was set to meet tonight at 7 & I didn't want to be late. I got down there & nobody was gathered for the meeting, I figured I must have missed some sort of announcement for it's cancellation so I headed out of there & onto my way to get to the Moscow Group early so I could help set up & be of use to the group. Things happen for a reason, I am a firm believer in that, and for some reason a person decided to pass me at just the right time that I could not avoid a pot hole in the road, it was deep enough to knock off my hub cap & flatten my tire. With a trunk full of jewelry, I did not have my spare & had to call mom & dad for a rescue mission. Thankfully they got there in good time & I made the meeting for its regular starting time, after changing the tire of course. I needed to make it to that meeting because the topic for the night was waiting for me, something I needed to hear & share about here.
In our active addictions/alcoholism or for normal people before our beginning to live through the application of Spiritual Principles in our lives, we caused much havok & damage to others around us. Some of this we do not become aware of until we are on a sober & spiritual path for some time, other things we are immediately aware of, and further still some things we feel we were equally wronged & don't realize that the only thing that matters is OUR PART & what we can do to right OUR SIDE of things. All of these things I mention relate to the spiritual housecleaning that we do through making our Ammendments in the 9th Step. If your like me, then your not on this step yet. If you've already gotten that far in your spiritual works then what I have to share tonight still applies. We cannot rush ahead to fix what we've done wrong, when we are ready & able it will in fact happen if we believe in our Higher Power & fully work our program of recovery or spiritual growth. I for example cannot just replace some of the priceless things or the time I have stolen away from my family, specifically my mother. Even if I had the mass amounts of money it costs to replace those things I could not find the exact items I had sickly & selfishly taken to feed my craving addiction back then. I can be intimately sorry, out of turn I even verbalized how sorry I was for all of the infractions on her love, why I chose the person closest to me in this world to commit these heists I may never know, but the right time will come to make the ammendments to the right people. I won't be afraid, I won't have to figure out how to make something up to them, and I certainly will never have to hurt someone to make an ammendment because if that was necessary the ammendment is not to be made.
What I finally am getting to through sharing all this is what matters the most in regaurds to the damage we have done before our spiritual steps have begun. That is, "We do not have to behave as we once did, having made ammendments or having yet to make any means nothing right now, what matters most is that We Cause No Further Damage Intentionally to ourselves or another". If we can just keep ahold of that simple concept, we will in time be able to discover & offer repairing ammends to each of our damaging miskates in our lives. How we go about avoiding more damage is done through the steps & through following Spiritual Principles. Being an obediant believer in a Higher Power of moral standing is a great beginning besides staying sober & away from things that rob us of our true personality & desires. The next gesture would be to work our 4th Step, which helps us discover our fears, character defects, and areas we are constantly short in. Through discovery of our areas of defect we can later work on those areas & also pray for their removal in our lives. Over time many have seen alot of these defects dissapear from their lives, so if there is hope for them then there is hope for You Or I. If we keep true to ourselves & to others as our higher power would have us be, then we stand a great chance at not creating any more scenarios that we will later have to make ammends for. This ultimately is what we must learn to do, to love ourselves better & have others love us as well. As a result of it all our lives get better, we become more spiritual, and we stand the greatest chance of never having to drink, drug, or be the person we had to be in our past. Be it out of necessity, survival, hunger or selfishness we all have hurt someone else along the way. The time will come to write those wrongs, and now is the time to make no more. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
In our active addictions/alcoholism or for normal people before our beginning to live through the application of Spiritual Principles in our lives, we caused much havok & damage to others around us. Some of this we do not become aware of until we are on a sober & spiritual path for some time, other things we are immediately aware of, and further still some things we feel we were equally wronged & don't realize that the only thing that matters is OUR PART & what we can do to right OUR SIDE of things. All of these things I mention relate to the spiritual housecleaning that we do through making our Ammendments in the 9th Step. If your like me, then your not on this step yet. If you've already gotten that far in your spiritual works then what I have to share tonight still applies. We cannot rush ahead to fix what we've done wrong, when we are ready & able it will in fact happen if we believe in our Higher Power & fully work our program of recovery or spiritual growth. I for example cannot just replace some of the priceless things or the time I have stolen away from my family, specifically my mother. Even if I had the mass amounts of money it costs to replace those things I could not find the exact items I had sickly & selfishly taken to feed my craving addiction back then. I can be intimately sorry, out of turn I even verbalized how sorry I was for all of the infractions on her love, why I chose the person closest to me in this world to commit these heists I may never know, but the right time will come to make the ammendments to the right people. I won't be afraid, I won't have to figure out how to make something up to them, and I certainly will never have to hurt someone to make an ammendment because if that was necessary the ammendment is not to be made.
What I finally am getting to through sharing all this is what matters the most in regaurds to the damage we have done before our spiritual steps have begun. That is, "We do not have to behave as we once did, having made ammendments or having yet to make any means nothing right now, what matters most is that We Cause No Further Damage Intentionally to ourselves or another". If we can just keep ahold of that simple concept, we will in time be able to discover & offer repairing ammends to each of our damaging miskates in our lives. How we go about avoiding more damage is done through the steps & through following Spiritual Principles. Being an obediant believer in a Higher Power of moral standing is a great beginning besides staying sober & away from things that rob us of our true personality & desires. The next gesture would be to work our 4th Step, which helps us discover our fears, character defects, and areas we are constantly short in. Through discovery of our areas of defect we can later work on those areas & also pray for their removal in our lives. Over time many have seen alot of these defects dissapear from their lives, so if there is hope for them then there is hope for You Or I. If we keep true to ourselves & to others as our higher power would have us be, then we stand a great chance at not creating any more scenarios that we will later have to make ammends for. This ultimately is what we must learn to do, to love ourselves better & have others love us as well. As a result of it all our lives get better, we become more spiritual, and we stand the greatest chance of never having to drink, drug, or be the person we had to be in our past. Be it out of necessity, survival, hunger or selfishness we all have hurt someone else along the way. The time will come to write those wrongs, and now is the time to make no more. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Friday, September 3, 2010
Life's Short - Duty & Responsibility
September 03. Hey everybody, its almost the end of Friday & going to be the start of another long weekend in my world. I love my jewelry business more than any other job or career I have tried & I am always motivated or calling someone for some spark on a slow day. Things have definitely been slow this past weekend & at the midweek market, but I am hoping to fight back & defy the trend of the past few days open for business. My friday wasn't terrible, in fact it was pretty good. I started the morning off with some time spent with my cousin, getting back home in the mid-day & getting to spend some daylight with my parents since my dad has been home doing projects around the house. I went out to pick up pizzas for us all & to gas up my car for the long weekend then we stayed in & had dinner in for a change. I caught a little powernap after feeding my face & before too long it was time to leave for my meeting. I picked a guy up who needed a ride also, which always helps me in turn by giving me not only a reason to go but a feeling of helpfulness & purpose helping another. It's one of the many ways I have done service in the past when I knew little or nothing more to do. The meeting was good & was primarily about the 8th Tradition, which is basically one of the "glue & screws" that holds the 12 Step fellowship together. It's about remaining unorganzied other than organizing service boards to better help others in need. After the meeting I helped clean up & took the guy I brought back home. On the way my mom text me with some disturbing news that got me thinking.
While I was gone out my mother got a message saying that my Great Aunt Lil, my father's aunt, had passed away today. When I got the message it took me a few minutes to absorb. I had thought about the fact that my father expected this to happen soon & took the opportunity to go see her with my mom earlier this spring. Her passing today reminded me of some very valid points that I would like to write about tonight. The first is that Life is Far Too Short for any of us to take another's presence on this earth for granted. By the passing of time, tragedy, illness, or the will of our Higher Power.. they can be gone in the blink of an eye. What was there yesterday may not be there tomorrow. The second thought was that we must certainly live for Today, One Day At A Time. For the exact previous reason too, we may not have something or someone tomorrow that we have today. These thoughts don't float through our minds as human beings, it is only when we are faced with the loss or absence of something that we revert to our spirituality & realize that we are here conditionally, on loan almost & if we do not cherish what is here now we may regret it later. When the term of that loan is up, anything can dissapear from our lives.. which brings me to my third thought to share. We do not know how long we have until we dissapear from the human world. There are so many that may end up missing us, we have a responsibility with our lives that without spirituality we cannot fulfill.
That responsibility I am talking about is to the world around us & all that matters to us within it. Most importantly is to seek out & to serve our Higher Power, whatever it may be, we should fulfill it's wishes & live our lives as it would have us to the best of our abilities. Selling out or living below the level we could actually perform is something we will face when our selfish human life is discarded. But it goes deeper than that. Are we so selfish that we won't get out of ourselves & realize that after we are gone others may miss us? They may regret not having those moments with us they always wanted. So what is our responsibility, to stay busy or too distracted that when its all over we cause remorse, regret, or grief to others? When they were standing by wishing us in their lives? Our responsibility as both human & spiritual beings is to take that initiative & offer as much of ourselves to those we care about around us. Do we call our family often enough? Our friends? Do we tell people that we love, that we love them or just take them for granted another day. If you believe that life ends with the flesh, than you cannot possibly think that alcoholism & spiritual disease can be cured through belief in a Higher Power & spiritual cleansing through the 12 Steps. That would mean my thoughts could not appeal to you. But if you do believe, then take the time to think too. Think about every little thing that you ever enjoyed that is still intact on this planet & find a way to live it, love it, or experience it one more time. Because life is too short & we are not powerful, we are just along for the ride & supposed to be doing the best job we can as not humans, but Spiritual Beings with both Duty & Responsibility. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
While I was gone out my mother got a message saying that my Great Aunt Lil, my father's aunt, had passed away today. When I got the message it took me a few minutes to absorb. I had thought about the fact that my father expected this to happen soon & took the opportunity to go see her with my mom earlier this spring. Her passing today reminded me of some very valid points that I would like to write about tonight. The first is that Life is Far Too Short for any of us to take another's presence on this earth for granted. By the passing of time, tragedy, illness, or the will of our Higher Power.. they can be gone in the blink of an eye. What was there yesterday may not be there tomorrow. The second thought was that we must certainly live for Today, One Day At A Time. For the exact previous reason too, we may not have something or someone tomorrow that we have today. These thoughts don't float through our minds as human beings, it is only when we are faced with the loss or absence of something that we revert to our spirituality & realize that we are here conditionally, on loan almost & if we do not cherish what is here now we may regret it later. When the term of that loan is up, anything can dissapear from our lives.. which brings me to my third thought to share. We do not know how long we have until we dissapear from the human world. There are so many that may end up missing us, we have a responsibility with our lives that without spirituality we cannot fulfill.
That responsibility I am talking about is to the world around us & all that matters to us within it. Most importantly is to seek out & to serve our Higher Power, whatever it may be, we should fulfill it's wishes & live our lives as it would have us to the best of our abilities. Selling out or living below the level we could actually perform is something we will face when our selfish human life is discarded. But it goes deeper than that. Are we so selfish that we won't get out of ourselves & realize that after we are gone others may miss us? They may regret not having those moments with us they always wanted. So what is our responsibility, to stay busy or too distracted that when its all over we cause remorse, regret, or grief to others? When they were standing by wishing us in their lives? Our responsibility as both human & spiritual beings is to take that initiative & offer as much of ourselves to those we care about around us. Do we call our family often enough? Our friends? Do we tell people that we love, that we love them or just take them for granted another day. If you believe that life ends with the flesh, than you cannot possibly think that alcoholism & spiritual disease can be cured through belief in a Higher Power & spiritual cleansing through the 12 Steps. That would mean my thoughts could not appeal to you. But if you do believe, then take the time to think too. Think about every little thing that you ever enjoyed that is still intact on this planet & find a way to live it, love it, or experience it one more time. Because life is too short & we are not powerful, we are just along for the ride & supposed to be doing the best job we can as not humans, but Spiritual Beings with both Duty & Responsibility. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Acceptance - Patience & Tolerance For All
September 2. Hey friends, family & followers. I hope your week is rounding out, mine certainly is & I am very grateful to have started a new month in both life & sobriety. In a few days I have to turn in my license, over a year past the last time I touched a drug or drink, or even done something legally wrong at that. The courts & two specific judges were kind enough to give me the time I needed to get my life back together before inacting the suspension that is mandatory in my home state. It's something I don't look forward to, but in the same sense feel will help strengthen me & help me practice tolerance, patience, & acceptance in my life. Today was a day like many others & thats just fine by me, no longer do I crave the thrill of destruction in my life from drugs & alcohol. In the early afternoon I enjoyed a visit from my sisters for a few minutes & put a rack system for my jewelry storage together with my mom. A little later I had to help my dad get his tractor unstuck & then met up with my cousin to spend some much needed time together, earlier in the week we had some tensions between us that could have been avoided had either of us known how the other was thinking or feeling. After all that I got myself to a much needed meeting that just happened to have my Sponsor as the guest speaker. After hearing his great story of recovery & life success he picked a topic that at one time was a huge problem in my sober life, and still can make things difficult from time to time. His choice of topic after his story was acceptance & the group went around the room to share about how it fits into their individual lives & program today. It was such a good topic & I haven't spoken about it in a while, so I thought I would make it the topic for tonight.
Acceptance is the solution to all my problems in life today. That statement is bold, but very true & very difficult to practice it on a consistant basis. All other tools in recovery aside, all spiritual aides removed, Acceptance is the one thing that a person can adopt that will help them grow, heal, & recover from any problem in life. It doesn't just level our thinking, it puts our thinking miles ahead of our problems. How? I can't say how it works for others, but I can talk about how it works for me. Some time ago I was told that my biggest problem at that time was with Acceptance. I wracked my brain trying to figure out how the hell it was a problem, because the traditional association in the 12 Step world with acceptance is this: The Person does not accept that they are alcoholic or addicted and that they continue to think they can successfully do things their way or as they always did with different results. It is pure insanity for those who do not see it, but I did see it & I was sure that I was both alcoholic & addicted. I couldn't see how I had a problem with Acceptance, I was sober & I was sure I could never drink or drug again at all possible costs. So what was my support group pointing out when they said I had a problem with this "Acceptance". It took some deep searching, asking of others, and realizing how little I really did accept around & in my life at that time. I was totally out of tune with acceptance & I will share some of how to shed some light on this topic.
I was in fact very accepting of being alcoholic & the fact I could NEVER drink or drug again without losing control of my life again. That wasn't the problem. I was unaccepting of everything else around me. I wanted to change the way my parents thought, rather than accept them for who they were & work on myself to be able to live with them. I wanted to change my friends & how they did things in their lives, rather than work on my own abilities to either live & let live in their lives or to stay away for my own well being. I couldn't accept a bad day at my business & just take it for what it was, I had to question my products, my approach, and the level of success in my location. The possibility of a slow day just being a slow day was oblivious to me & I couldn't seem to remember all the successful days in the past that got me that far. So many areas of my life were getting slammed by my lack of ability to be patient, tolerant, and accept things I could not change for what they were. I needed to learn to accept these countless things & the many more that will come for what they were, and if anything was to be changed at all it would be myself because that is the one & only thing I can control if my spiritual condition is good. I can't put into words how the alcoholic or even the spiritually sick mind works, you'd have to experience it to accept it for what it is, but I can say this it is without acceptance unless it is recoivering. Today I get acceptance through the help of my Higher Power & an understanding that all things are as they are meant to be, at that given moment, and will become what they should as according to a plan I will never understand fully. Sometimes that will be a girlfriend that I cannot change, a job that is stressful, a customer that doesn't buy into me or my products, or a part of myself that is what it is & that I cannot immediately remove or change... all of these thins require my acceptance. If I can pray for nothing more for the world around me & myself, I would wish that everyone be able to learn Acceptance, through patience & tolerance of others & ourselves we can learn to accept. Our Higher Power will reveal more to us, and if we accept things we can see so much more that is revealed. My only hopes at permanent recovery are through good Spiritual Condition & maintainence through the practice of acceptance, made easier & stronger in my life through the personal house & spiritual soul cleaning found in the 12 Steps. Thanks for blogging in, for supporting me, and for a topic I so deseperately needed to hear for myself & others. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Acceptance is the solution to all my problems in life today. That statement is bold, but very true & very difficult to practice it on a consistant basis. All other tools in recovery aside, all spiritual aides removed, Acceptance is the one thing that a person can adopt that will help them grow, heal, & recover from any problem in life. It doesn't just level our thinking, it puts our thinking miles ahead of our problems. How? I can't say how it works for others, but I can talk about how it works for me. Some time ago I was told that my biggest problem at that time was with Acceptance. I wracked my brain trying to figure out how the hell it was a problem, because the traditional association in the 12 Step world with acceptance is this: The Person does not accept that they are alcoholic or addicted and that they continue to think they can successfully do things their way or as they always did with different results. It is pure insanity for those who do not see it, but I did see it & I was sure that I was both alcoholic & addicted. I couldn't see how I had a problem with Acceptance, I was sober & I was sure I could never drink or drug again at all possible costs. So what was my support group pointing out when they said I had a problem with this "Acceptance". It took some deep searching, asking of others, and realizing how little I really did accept around & in my life at that time. I was totally out of tune with acceptance & I will share some of how to shed some light on this topic.
I was in fact very accepting of being alcoholic & the fact I could NEVER drink or drug again without losing control of my life again. That wasn't the problem. I was unaccepting of everything else around me. I wanted to change the way my parents thought, rather than accept them for who they were & work on myself to be able to live with them. I wanted to change my friends & how they did things in their lives, rather than work on my own abilities to either live & let live in their lives or to stay away for my own well being. I couldn't accept a bad day at my business & just take it for what it was, I had to question my products, my approach, and the level of success in my location. The possibility of a slow day just being a slow day was oblivious to me & I couldn't seem to remember all the successful days in the past that got me that far. So many areas of my life were getting slammed by my lack of ability to be patient, tolerant, and accept things I could not change for what they were. I needed to learn to accept these countless things & the many more that will come for what they were, and if anything was to be changed at all it would be myself because that is the one & only thing I can control if my spiritual condition is good. I can't put into words how the alcoholic or even the spiritually sick mind works, you'd have to experience it to accept it for what it is, but I can say this it is without acceptance unless it is recoivering. Today I get acceptance through the help of my Higher Power & an understanding that all things are as they are meant to be, at that given moment, and will become what they should as according to a plan I will never understand fully. Sometimes that will be a girlfriend that I cannot change, a job that is stressful, a customer that doesn't buy into me or my products, or a part of myself that is what it is & that I cannot immediately remove or change... all of these thins require my acceptance. If I can pray for nothing more for the world around me & myself, I would wish that everyone be able to learn Acceptance, through patience & tolerance of others & ourselves we can learn to accept. Our Higher Power will reveal more to us, and if we accept things we can see so much more that is revealed. My only hopes at permanent recovery are through good Spiritual Condition & maintainence through the practice of acceptance, made easier & stronger in my life through the personal house & spiritual soul cleaning found in the 12 Steps. Thanks for blogging in, for supporting me, and for a topic I so deseperately needed to hear for myself & others. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
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