The Newcomer - Keeping It Green

September 11. Hello friends & family. Hope that everyone had a fantastic friday. It's officially saturday here & the date commemerates the horrible events of the attack on 9/11. I can remember being at work in an office when it all went down, ranting on about how the first plane was not an accident that it was an attack/act of war. People thought I was crazy, and I was back then, at least until the second plane hit. It was a definite tragedy in so many lives & a huge blow to the American morale. It was the middle of crazy times in my life & the beginning of crazy times for the entire country. A tragedy so bad would have had many wishing they were home safe with their families, not knowing what would come next, I can instead remember wanting to leave work & go get high. I was hooked badly into an all night party scene that was taking place daily at my apartment & was beggining to mix alcohol & other drugs which I was primarily taking up my nose at the time. While the world sat in awe & terror, I was planning my next high from my desk. Unaware of how much people around me in the world could use my support, I was off again on a selfish binge of the alcoholic nature. Folks, this is the effects that alcohol & drugs can have on our lives. A real bonified tragedy during a world-wide tragedy. When you stop caring about things around you, when your own father works for the government & could be a potential next target during an attack, and your mind is stuck on your own selfish needs & desires, you are almost stopped in time & stopped living. Looking back I can recall how I felt back then, I used to sing the lyrics of a song to myself over and over because I related to it so much, it was my life. "All tied up & dried up forever, all F&#ked up & dead to the world". Hard to forget those lyrics, but a great reminder today of how low I can go & how bad it can be. That is why today I not only try for personal Spiritual Growth, but I advocate it in others. Part of achieving this is like remembering the lyrics to that song, in other words having things in my life, program, and the world around me that keep it "green" or fresh in my mind.

Keeping it green is exactly what occured on friday night. I went to my usual friday night meeting expecting a normal discussion & actually wanting to talk about my grandmother in the hospital & some things bothering me about her falling ill. There was & is alot on my mind pertaining to her & my absence from her life as well as a few mistakes on my part that I have yet been able to make ammends for. But that all came to a hault, the poor me persona I was taking on was smashed to pieces when a newcomer spoke up at the beginning of the meeting. Immediately the focus in my mind was off myself & onto the newly arrived alcoholic. That is a strange magic that happens, helping us to remember what matters most when we are tilting in our thinking. I was reminded about how hard it was to get sober, about the mistakes I had made because of drugs & alcohol, the flashing lights of cops & ambulances, and the stranglehold I could not break free from. All the consequences to face, the cluelessness in not knowing how to stop or if the suggested help would work. I was back at day one with the newcomer beside me & I started to feel better. If not knowing how your future would end up is the worst it could get, then life was not so bad. That is what the program gives me today, a definite picture of today. That picture is of me sober & spiritual, helping others & working to do the right thing.

Spreading the message of hope & the potential of progress was not my intention going into the meeting, but it's exactly what happened. That is why the newcomer is so vital to the program, for those of us who have become trapped in a scenario in our lives or stagnent due to the lack of immediate change. We get a free reminder of what was & could again be if we go back out, but without having to slip up & experience the horror of rehab or detoxing at home. Many of us alcoholics & addicts are sure that we have another run left in us with drugs or alcohol, one that may or may not kill us but most likely will. The thing we are unsure of is if we have another recovery left in us. If in fact we can walk back through those doors & ask for help again, and if we will even want to at all once it has ahold of us. Today I am grateful for the newcomer, to remind me of why it is more important than ever to stay on the sober & spiritual path. No matter how troubling or straining the situaiton in my life, even if I am going through it alone, I truly am not alone at all & no drug or drink will make it better. Getting bombed tonight would have releived not one problem for my grandmother in the hospital, it would have not helped my self esteem towards the way I have neglected & cheated her in the past decade. It would have solved nothing & I think I am finally learning that, once and for all, that the solution lies in my ability to grow past things as a human being.. not to numb them down or delay their inevitable falling onto my shoulders. Keeping it green, you bet. Thanks newcomer. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy