Acceptance - Lesson After Lesson

September 23. Hello friends, I hope all of you had a terrific thursday. Mine was spent keeping busy, which was a great feeling. I got to spend time w/ my sisters & a cousin while we moved my store from one town to prepare for my move to a bigger town. It's all an exciting frontier because it could spell a potentially large new market, but with any move risks are involved. With my current standings w/ the old location & its management, this risk was weighed in both my heart & mind as being worthwhile. Win, Lose, or Draw I have my sobriety today & that is one thing that is not on the line with the recent releif in stress after moving out. Not many of the "earthers", as i call them, or non-alcoholic/addicts know what goes through our minds when we are under constant surrender to certain people, places or things. If only normal people knew what were within our minds at some points, they would not point fingers so much, nor argue against our concerns. Sadly though they do not know what is occuring in our minds, something that we must constantly face & turn over to our higher power. That is not to say that this is an excuse, it's certainly not in my life today, but it is an explination for my past as it was. After the big move of all the merchandise I got a ride to the valley w/ my cousin to go play poker for a while which was a blast. I met up w/ my mom & on the ride home we decided we could make dinner fast enough & I didn't need to buy takeout. We got home, ate a good dinner & then my parents took me to my usual Thursday meeting.

At the meeting the topic was acceptance, we ran a longer than usual meeting to let everyone share too. The full spectrum of many different views were shared, from still toxic minded to the very in depth spiritually well folks there. It was great to hear because it showed me exactly what frame of thinking I was in & where I need to be or shoot for each day. I shared about my recent accepting of my own defects of character in regaurds to my relationship w/ the old management at the storefront I rented, realizing that even after I appologized for mine that their own continued to poke at me. I am ever glad to be out of that situation & onto new, better things & also be close to my cousin on weekends. I also shared about how I couldn't accept a former relationship, that my ex did not love me as much as I loved her & how it drove me nuts. It brought out more of my alcoholism, even in sobriety, the miracle being that with the help of the 12 Steps & the fellowship I did not drink or drug because of it. I learned soon after & for many months have grown & healed with an opportunity to focus on solely myself & my recovery, without distractions or unbalanced relationships in my life. The final thing I shared about was my accepting that my getting sober at all was an act of my Higher Power. From the breaks I caught to the hard lessons & time I served, everything seemed orchestrated to lead me into a mindset & position to finally begin recovery & actually want it to last. Then in a conversation after the meeting some things got a little difficult for me.

I was talking w/ two people whom I am very close today, about a serious topic that pertains to my thinking recently. The specifics aren't as important as the amount of space this was taking up in my head. I not only had thought about this potential problem, but I had a bad dream about it, so bad that I had to pray when I was woken by it. Praying wasn't enough, I had to share about it with my sister's during the day also. Then the thought returned this evening, the realism in that dream was really renting too much space in my head & my alcoholism was loving it. When I shared about it at the meeting, it once again lost it's power over me. So afterwards I was speaking w/ these two people & one of them was what I assumed "trying to make light of it". By basically making it seem like a controlled or near impossible situation to end up in, they assumed that saying so would be enough to lay the subject to rest. I didn't bring it up to lay it to rest, I brought it up to mention that I shared about it at the meeting & to my sisters as well. Sometimes we just take things personal, like we have to defend it, this happens to non-alcoholics as well.. it's called being human I think :) Anyway, there was no getting through that this serious concern which reminded me so much of my past & was so vividly real in thought & dream was a disturbance to my day. All that needed to be said was, "Ok, I am glad to know you feel that way." I have to learn to accept that people aren't always going to say what I want, or feel how I want them to feel, or even catch on to what I am saying. They aren't always going to know how to handle something that bothers me either. I just sometimes wish that a legitimate concern, one of a crafty & intelligent drug addict/alcoholic in recovery, could be taken with weight & without accusation of over-reacting or possibly that "I am a little edgy in my current circumstance & stage of recovery". Can I not have a legitimate fear or concern? One that my Higher Power has not yet helped me handle, and one that I need ask a non-alcoholic to assist me with? To this I don't know the answers, I don't know any answers actually. I just know how to talk about it, and if I get upset during that process I need to learn that other people will judge me. I don't care if they judge me, I am being taught not to care, but I do care if I love them as well I do care if I still have a concern because the weight of it has not been liften by a word they said. Sometimes if there is a problem that we cannot remove ourselves, we need to just pray that somebody, something takes that fear & locks it in a box where it can't get out to get us. Until that happens, as if it ever will, we only have a valuable tool that we can use through the help of others & by talking about it.. that tool is ACCEPTANCE. Of what we are, what our fears are, and where we are today through the grace of our Higher Power. Peace be with you all, in mind, body & spirit. Please pray for all who are sick in all ways one may be ill, & love. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy