Left Alone - Reaching To A Higher Power

September 11. Hello everyone, I hope your day was much better than mine. It started off with potential but some horrible turn of events & my alcoholic mind turning made it's potential an impossible. The good part was a fair day at the market, however long it seemed to drag on it stayed busy throughout. At the close of the day I called my parents to check in & headed off to keep busy while waiting for news on my grandmother Nanny. She was to undergo a surgery to remove her gaul bladder because testing results had deemed it necessary to do so. There was an emergency surgery ahead of her so her time to go under was pushed back. I went to play cards & be close to the valley while I waited for an update. The update I got was not the one I wanted, she had made it through the surgery okay but during the process the doctors discovered cancer from her stomache to her liver. They were & are still to this point unsure of the stage of cancer it is or how long my Nanny will have/how well she will recover at the moment. To make it worse they had said she would do better with rest than visitors, at first that bothered me but then I needed to remember she needs to get well, I don't need my selfish wishes to see her to conflict with that. After getting that final verdict I started home, it was a long drive & I forgot to turn on the radio to try & distract myself. I made a phone call to my sponsor & got his voicemail, a few other calls to other friends as well & I left messages to each of them. I guess that there was one resource left for me to use at this point & when I got in my driveway I walked out into my yard, beneath the night sky.

I find it only fitting that it be September 11th, a day where everyone was looking to the skies for an answer in the history past. I too found myself doing that, only tonight instead. I called out to my higher power, in prayer & conversation. No sooner had I mustered the wishes of asking for strength & for my grandmother to endure this test to the level it see's fit.. a shooting star the likes & size that I have never before seen shot across the sky, breaking up before reaching the horizon in an orange & large streak. Another fitting coincidence is that my grandmother is a large woman, one of the largest, so that this shooting star be the largest I've ever seen.. NO.. it was no coincidence there is no such thing. My higher power intended me to be beneath that sky & to witness what I did at those moments I spoke those words. I am grateful for my higher power acknowledging me during this time of helplessness, tears of gratitude filled my eyes but I choked them back as I realized I was not sharing this miracle with anyone else. There are so many that are hurting right now, probably most of all my Nanny, her love is larger than she & has never let one of us down. She is the glue & the staple to our family & families beyond her own. I wonder of all the women in the world why her, but then again she has been blessed with 8 decades of eventful & laughter filled life.

This is not the first time I have had a sign like this during times of prayer, but it certainly means the most to me right now as this issue is pending & time is ticking. I have an ammendment to make to my grandmother, one that I will share in the open with you all because should she go back to her home I plan to visit her with an explination & an appology. During my active addiction I stole a necklace from her, using it to pay for drugs & the entire time I drove to sell it I could think nothing but her kind heart & how I could ever make it up to her. Maybe I can't, but if there is any way I can it must definitely be to support her through this & remain a positive part of our families life. To help protect the helpless as she has all her life & to grow in spirit as she has grown in size during the years. If ever I could equal her huge heart with my own I would be an accomplished man, she has gone without & feasted in plenty with those she loves & even perfect strangers. If there were a way to nominate her a saint, I would be filing the paperwork now. As a child she gave me my will to worship a higher power, something I had forgotten & had to relearn as I understand my higher power differently today. Without that higher power tonight I may not have had the strength to deal with this, nor to have the heart to hurt over it. It is by the mercy & miracle of my last resort & first relief, my higher power, that I can say I will continue on my path as my grandmother would have me. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy