Changing Directions - The Direction Of Change

September 28. Hello all of my great friends. I am grateful for the support of all of you who read this & those who share their experience & hope as well on the facebook fan page. When I started this project I thought of a greater purpose, to help others in their spiritual journey. I never knew how much this outlet was going to help me get so many things out that left bottled up could have caused me to revert to my old alcholic ways. If I can ever help one person with these entries then I have done what I set out to do, but you all have helped me beyond the extent you may know. Sometimes it's hard to get the "fuel" to write here, but today was full of fire & life to talk about. I got up early & dropped off by my mom to play a card game this morning. In the afternoon I started walking to the hospital to see my grandmother & my cousin came halfway through my walk to pick me up, which was great cuz it started getting hot out. We visited for a few hours with my aunt & uncle from NYC, mom, and my grandmother. We actually enjoyed an afternoon of laughs & talking, it was great to kiss my grandma & tell her I love her. Earlier this month I had been bottling up feelings about an ammends I need to make to her, realizing today finally that it's okay & that I can love her without yet making those ammends & while there is time to show my love. Old behaviors die hard, the 12 Steps our only tool to escape those behaviors. Later in the evening, after dinner w/ mom & dad, I went to my usual meeting near home & the topic was spot on about old behaviors... "Change". It was a great meeting & I heard so much that has helped me keep things in perspective tonight, along with the valuable opportunity to pour my love to my grandmother I certainly felt the benefits of change. Tonight's topic is "Changing Directions" or "The Direction of Our Change".

When we enter recovery we are very spiritually sick, we know little to nothing about change & we desperately need the help of others to work on this. Funny enough, no matter how long we are sober we will never be able to 'change' this fact about change, we just need help to change our alcoholic ways. Aside from that, I realized something so important about myself personally today. For weeks I have lived old alcoholic behaviors by shying away & "hiding" from the responsibility of showing my grandmother exactly how much I love her in her moments of illness & fear of the unknown. The direction of my change in the beginning was day after day moving towards a positive & spiritually healthy place. In contrast the past few weeks, since hearing of my grandmother's cancer, I have done old and toxic behaviors like Projecting about the future without any solid basis & by hiding away from my grandmother's presence most of the time because I was feeling shame & guilt & did not know how to just let things go & show her the love I hold within. In ways I was making her go without hearing me say "I Love You Nanny" because of my own selfishness caused by changing backward into my alcoholism. We all must be careful, staying centered in our recovery is vital & we must speak about what is bothering us or what we cannot figure out ourselves. If I never shared with others how I was feeling & that I was torn & hiding from the situation at hand, I would never have gotten the solutions to undo the negative changes in my life that were moving me back towards my alcoholic & addicted personality. I am not that person I was over a year ago today, if I want to remain in positive change I need to utilize the help of others who can keep me moving in the right direction. Simply put, for me, if I cannot seem to move forward I truly must stop and examine what Direction I am Changing in. If I am moving backwards towards an area I once was in my alcoholism then I need to reach out to others because I alone have none of the answers to recovery from this disease. Changing Directions, so long as I keep track of my Direction of Change. Positive & forward in Spirit & Sobriety. Thank you all who have helped me through this hard & difficult time, the burden has been lifted & I feel as though I can love without the weight of my past restricting me. Finally, peace without shame so that I can be the great person my Higher Power intends me to be. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy