Cleaning Up The Damage - After Being Our Worst

September 19. Good Saturday Morning Friends. Or early morning for those of you reading this live in the middle of the night. I wasn't going to write today, but things on my mind need to get out. It's been a valuable tool to put thought & emotion to print so that I can even myself look at it for what it is on the outside. I started my morning off normally, getting up to head to Treasure Hunters. Only I found that my mom must have been in a rush because she had already transferred my cases of jewelry from my car to hers so she could drop me off. With that said I speedily got ready & we were off, stopping for a coffee at her old favorite morning stop before work, when she still had work that is. A quick chat & back on the road we were, getting there about 5 minutes past schedule, or what I thought was the schedule. My mother didn't say that she was rushing, but I could tell from her frantic & distant actions she was pressing me to get things figured out & unloaded so she could leave to go be with her mom in the hospital. Things got hectic fast. While trying to set up outside I got stopped & told my interior store front must be open in order to do so, I went in to make arrangements & in doing so mom got anxious & lost her nerve. She has been spreading herself too thin lately, I truly believe she needed to tell me "No I can't take you this morning" with all that was going on in her mind, but she is too caring to say that & brought me anyway. After my neighbor vendor saw her lose her composure & begin crying she walked off, I looked to the neighbor whom I was going to ask to help me collect money inside so I could sell jewelry outside & her demeanor was unsettling. I thought it best not to ask for help at that moment & I returned to my mom's car to wait for her & unload the merchandise to bring it inside. Mind you, selling inside has cost me half of my revenue as people don't even come in after spending all they have outside at those vendors. So with that I called my sister to talk to my mom & find out what was going on emotionally that she was breaking down, not that I was making things easier by not having a direct plan of attack already.

The end result was I was to take my stuff indoors & setup there for the day, which to me was a lame attempt at going for the customers I needed, but a comprimise to get my mom out of there fast & on with her day. I got the interior ready, my cart still loaded with jewelry yet, then decided to finally ask the neighbor to collect money if anything sold inside. She agreed & I headed outside. I asked the manager, whom I have had many arguments in the past about changing rules on the fly & outright pushing people around, "Can I set up anywhere out there or what?". She replied yes so I picked a spot marked off & numbered for vendors. 20 minutes into setting up she came out yelling at me as she normally does that I gotta move my stuff right now & that I can't be there. This was already after an altercation between her & I when I walked in about being open inside to sell outside as well. I got a bit upset that she would wait until I was well into my setup to say anything, I was losing business & time & my nerves were wearing down. My alcoholic mind wanted to yell, but I didn't, not yet anyway. I asked her what was with the other vendors in the fire lane, she said they were far enough out of the way, my rebuttle was they were still obstructing the building none-the-less. To make this long story short, she was not willing to talk this out as she began yelling again, I raised my voice back as to be heard and asked why she must week after week continue to single me out with dictated rules that are not in print or to also go against one week what she stated was okay the week before. She flipped out & told me I was thrown off the property & had to leave. I replied when my ride comes I will do just that, she then said she will call the police & I returned with "I will call them for you to ensure my stuff is safely removed from the property".

The point of this story is this, how quickly we can go from having a good morning to the social interactions with others sparking our alcoholic minds. I went from being enthusiastic & ready to sell to my customers to being inable to function around people & needing to leave to reset my feelings & thoughts. Another point I would like to make here is that although I am the alcoholic in recovery, some other people I may encounter can be spiritually sick as well. Ignorance & self rightousness are two terrible traits to have. Innocence & ignorance to be confused here. I was only doing as I was told & asked to do, yet as I always do this I had been singled out again & picked on over someone's inability to communicate with others in a direct & consistant fashion. Whats okay for one is okay for all, when we all pay the same rent & must operate under the same rules. That is my belief, it may not be yours, but I think it's what my higher power would deem as "fair thinking". After this entire altercation & while waiting for my ride, the security guard & the Head Manager came up to talk to me about what happened. After explaining things they made a light joke about me not being married & it being obvious because when dealing with a woman sometimes we need to learn to suck it up & hold our tongue. I got a laugh out of it but in all it wasn't all that funny because management is there to manage, not yell at people & treat people with favortism or bias. The guard & Head manager at this point asked me to please stay, that I was a valuable attraction to the market & a loyal tennant that they would hate to lose. I explained that I offered to go speak in the office arbitrarily to the other manager & that she refused, that there wasn't much else to say if she wanted me gone. They said they feel opposite & that they want me there. After explaining how my morning started & how she threw more gas on the fire, I said that I would consider it but was going home to clear my thoughts & think about it all. I spoke with my parents about it, whom I both consider qualified consultants in my business decisions about location & operations. They both understood my position & felt that we should work what we can out for the duration of the time we have paid to be there. In agreeance I finally got out of my alcoholic grudge & saw the light in their suggestions. So we will move forward here, most likely moving to a new location soon & perhaps a better one if my higher power blesses me with such opportunity. Now to finally summarize this long story into a brief topic.

In life there are rules & boundries, consequences & prices. We must operate within these or we lose certain things, that is the nature of man's laws & establishment's rights. Just as I had been pushed a little too far & lost my cool today, so too can others. Some are just spiritually sick without a drink or drug to cause it, feeling superior over others & can at times press our buttons. It's our ability to look past those people & see soley our part in things that matters the most. Should me making ammends for any of my wrong in this matter not suffice the manager whom I got into the argument with, then I will have at least handled cleaning my side of the street. I am confident that my higher power will lead me to a better vehicle for success & opportunity should this not work out, and regaurdless I will probably over time phase out of this market so that I can begin a new relationship with a potentially better management team somewhere else. What matters most again is my ability to correct my behaviors, learn from this situation, and to do different in the future. I had a deep down feeling that one day this manager & I would not see eye to eye again, its happened several times before, the best I can do is to be polite & move on with my agenda, elsewhere if need be. Tomorrow I will be heading in to appologize for being argumentative, if that does not suffice the woman then I know I have done my part. We must at all times be our best, even if we catch ourselves at our worst, the opportunities to be a better person await the next minute, day, or chance we have to shine & be a contributer of good things instead of bad vibes. Thanks for listening. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy