The Psychic Change - Gratitude & Spirtiual Awakening

September 16. Hello world, big & small I am grateful for you all. I had a typical day, up most of the night & trying to catch up on rest so I don't go into meltdown. I did however enjoy a good dinner w/ mom & dad, then got ready to head to my usual Thursday night meeting. I needed to get there for sure, with alot of recent things going on in life I have felt heavy & powerless, right where my disease of alcoholism wants me to be. I got to Aurora group with a few minutes to spare & told mom & dad I loved them on their departure. Plenty of sober friends were there filling the room & it was nice to see a good group gathered, which hasn't been the case for the past few weeks. A man had just returned for his first day back from relapse & after the opening readings we had a speaker deliver a brief but good story of his before & after concerning the 12 Steps in his life. He chose the topic of gratitude & those attending each took a turn to share about it. I was second to last, having gotten to hear alot of other's talks about what they are grateful for as of late in their lives. It was nice to have the opportunity to think for the 45 minutes of other speakers, because I got a chance to really think about what I have to be grateful for today. Before I talk about my specifics on this topic, I just want to talk a little bit more about gratitude. I have found that keeping fresh in your mind as many things as possible that we are grateful for is a valuable tool against the first drink. It's because we are aware of what we have to lose today if we engage that first drink, that may take us to our grave if not a long road of drinks & spiritual bankruptcy to come. I am thankful for gratitude today, to understand what it is & to feel it like a warm glowing sun shining down on my life.

When it got to be my turn to speak on gratitude I spoke what came to heart. "I am grateful for all the things I wasn't before, all the things I drank over that I see differently today". That bold statement was exactly how I felt & I followed it up with an explination. I once felt that my Higher Power had taken people from me selfishly, that it was all in punishment & torment that I had to live without them. Everyone from my cousin & grandfather to one of my first true loves & best of friends. These losses were conceived by my alcoholic mind as unfair & unjust acts of God towards my life. Because of this, the loving & providing God I was raised to believe in had become an unpredictable & punishing force in my life. In later years, having suffered in my alcoholism/addiction for over a decade, I blamed that same Higher Power for cursing me with the illness, thought I didn't think of it as being sick I thought of it as being "me". Higher Power aside on this topic, I blamed my father for many lacking moments in my life. I thought of good times & only saw my mother there as the source of such joy, not realizing that my father was in the background working & slaving to make such joy possible. I didn't fathom the works he did having provided everything from the food & clothes that I had as necessity to the video games & computer in my bedroom. The fee's for baseball, basketball, for the trips I took in school & the times I wanted more. I blamed him equally for giving his time to another young man, a foster brother whom I had never known before in my life. I didn't realize that he was only trying to share the love he had with someone else who might need it, my disease had already warped my mind by then and made me think "what about me & the love & attention I need". All of this was this way for so long, I numbed it down to survive family events & holidays to religious ceremonies & apprearances around others. The moments I was sober were far less than the moments I was numbed by substances.

When I had hit my bottom, when all reality as I knew it had to change or I would die an addicts death, I finally through some miracle had that Psychic Change, the Spiritual Awakening that must take place for someone to recover from this hopeless state of mind, body & spirit. I don't know if it was my Higher Power's way of releasing me from my own prison, or if I truly had suffered so much that the solution just came in a flash, but I suddenly started to see things differently & to think more clearly about what really took place. The same harsh & punishing God that I resented for so long was blessing me with clarity & awareness found through desperation & suffering. No longer were those who have come & gone stolen in the night, they finally were spared the difficulties of life & enjoying peaceful rest. I was no more to suffer as an addict, but to find a way to grow as a spiritual being & honor my creator. My family who I had though outcasted & ignored me rallied to my side to support me & warm my cold heart & body. How? I am convinced that the change first happened within me, somehow through an act of my higher power because just a day before I could not see this new found perspective. But the change in me must have affected the world around me, suddenly there was a force moving in the direction of recovery with ME instead of moving against ME in my prior existance. With all of this change, so sudden & so emotional, I developed a gratitude for the same things I once drank & used drugs over. That gratitude is lasting into my sobriety & my spiritual life, perhaps it has become a solid part of me. I am slowly learning how to show it & live the gratitude I feel in my heart, I may never master it but I can always try to improve my abilities to show it. A lot of suffering, some once thought to be prayers fallen on deaf ears, and a willingness to change resulted in a miracle, a Spiritual Awakening & Psychic Change in my life that has made gratitude finally possible. Along with the 12 Steps & faith in my Higher Power today, gratitude & acceptance are two key elements in finding recovery in my life One Day At A Time. Funny how things stay the same, but yet in our minds they can change. Whats happened & is done is all history, but how I percieve it is not it is forever changing & growing. As I align myself spiritually & continue to grow I hope my awareness to the great pillars in my life emerges, showing me more still to be grateful for. When feeling gratitude there is so many ways to show it, but the simplest & sometimes the hardest way of all is to say it. So with that.. Thank You. You All Know Who You Are! Good Night... Good Morning... <3 Jimmy