Family - Before & After

September 07. What a wonderful world it is. There was a time when I couldn't see how lucky we all are to be alive. Tuesday was just as good as any other day, even though I accomplished very little. I gave in to the urge to do nothing today & slept most of it away. My parents had to take an all day trip to NY for the wake of my Great Aunt so I was home alone. I had nothing major in the agenda & no activities until the evening so I set the alarm & drifted in & out as the day passed on. Sometimes I run so lean with little sleep that other times like this it's nice to just pass a day along in rest. My parents got back just before the time I would have gotten myself up, so I got motivated a few minutes early. A quick cleanup & out the door I went to Tuesday's outdoor meeting. It's nice to be outside in the fresh air & among other people in recovery, I try not to ever miss Tuesday nights in the summer time. I got to see quite a many friend there, alot of them key people in my many baby steps of recovery. The topic came out & I was second to share, the focus of the group tonight was right up my alley & applied directly to everything I had experienced & put others through. The topic was "Family - Before & After Our Addiction/Alcoholism".

I don't need to go out on a limb to say that my family for quite some time was clueless to my disease. Perhaps what little they did know was mistaken for youthly mishaps & experimentation, but before too long it had become 14 years of hell for me & everything short of long term institutionalization had been suffered at not only my expense but my family's as well. It had become clear that the fun loving boy we all knew, as I once did know myself before the onset of addiction, had lost his spark & left behind a shell of a boy in a man's body. I have always had two loving sisters, despite fights as kids & some purposeful torment that siblings go through, both had sheltered, nourished, and been there for me like a second mother in ways. Looking back at what has happened, had they known completely what was going on in my life, they may not have been able to let me in their homes or their hearts. I am grateful they never completely abandoned me. My parents went through my youth as supportive & loving as they could be. I cannot even say that I had a bad youth, I lived with many luxuries & the attention that so many kids who turn out fine did not have. I remember there coming a point when I no longer wanted my parents attention or help, I just wanted to be left alone to dabble in my self destruction. The more they tried to be involved & love me, the further I had to get away from them to disclose my growing disease. There was never a time from age 12 where I had control, when there was it could last for a few hours or a few small days but then I had to hand all control back over to the monster within.

I could never blame my family for my disease, it is what it is & I surely have a strong case of alcoholism, I can tortue myself with speculation that if things were different growing up would I ever have tried this drug or that drink but what is the point of that. What is most important is the family I have today. They are nothing less than twice the support I had as a child, and maybe they need to be for all of our sakes. I know that with every ounce of myself that I put into recovery & building a new life, they have if not matched it, then put twice themselves into it if not more. One specific member of my family I would like to speak on is my niece. When living with my sister on & off for a decade, my niece went from newly born to growing up into a young woman. Never had I thought she was in tune with the self created tragedies of my life, but she was. There wasn't a time that she didn't suspect I was struggling in life, she knew I was "sick" but may or may not have known more. I don't ask her because I know today she knows that I am a recovering alcoholic & addict, and I can remain an example of what not to do & what to do if she finds herself in my position. I can only stay sober now so that the spiritual part of me that grows will never have to miss another day of her youth that is left. For so much of my 14 years in active addiction things were a blur, times & dates, events & memories are hard to remember & I can only gather pieces to date. Today is crystal clear however, and I want it to stay that way. My parents & I actually do more than get along, we live together happily & we spend time together when I can remember not to be selfish. My sisters can approach me for the first time in their lives & not worry if I am going to flee to hide in solitude somewhere or stay awake all night wondering if I will be found dead of an overdose. I never thought I hurt anyone until I got sober, when it finally hit me it was like a train hitting a wall... pieces flew everywhere & I am still trying to put them together. The time will come that I am able to return the love that was always there, I try to do that now & will be more able as time passes, until then I can do what is necessary for my sobriety & to grow as a spiritual son & brother to them. As far as being an Uncle, I've had my times where I got to be a very good one & there are more times to come. Looking forward to the Family of today, and walking away from the black sheep I was yesterday. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy