Feb 24. Hey guys & gals, for wednesday I can't complain. The only exciting news I got today was that we might get buried in a few feet of snow up here in the northeast. No news doesn't keep me from having plenty to talk about thought. Afterall if I don't share whats going on, my disease stands a much greater chance of sneaking back up on me. In fact its almost gauranteed that if an addict/alcoholic goes on too long without sharing where they are at, they will eventually crumble. There is a line in the text of the 12 step program that states, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has thouroughly followed our path". That line is there for a reason, because the opposite is true, rarely has a person been seen successful in recovery who has not thoroughly followed their path. Today was a great day for me to just sit back and realize that "what works, works". It has been working for over 75 years to help miracles occur in the successful recovery of alcoholics and addicts across the world.
I took a little time to actually think about how far back this problem in my life really goes. And how long overdue the solution was. Everything happens for a reason I believe today, and my finding a spiritual way of life was no accident or at the wrong time. I think what has happened in my past was meant to be in order to shape me to the person I am today and will become tomorrow. But the disease goes back much further and is much bigger than just what lies or laid within me at its greatest point. In religions & histories around the world addiction dates back as far as civilizations themsevles. Its rather unfortunate that the method of recovery that actually works was not discovered fully until approximately seventy five years ago. A few of them are worth listing though to better paint a picture of how old this disease truly is.
There are counts of native american tribes having their medicine men become "unwelcomed" in the tribe's day to day lives unless an emergency and need for their rare substances & cures were needed. They had to live outside the immediate confines of the rest of the tribe.. ie.. a tent in the woods. The accounts of some were said as they got "lost in the spiritual tools" which for many tribes were mind altering substances found in plants & other natural means. In china & the western world epidemic of people being sick & even dying from poppy extract was accounted in ancient history & folklore. Its a well known fact that poppy plants produce all modern opiates & heroin. The people who developed these problems typically died from the ingestion of poppy extract.. ie overdose.. or from ilness related to getting out bad "spirits" .. ie detoxification. Before modern rehabs, a person's only hope was to survive an unassisted detox and then hope for no further exposure to the substances that they were addicted to.
There were no programs to help restructure a person's life nor was there a social understanding that it was a disease. The addicts were namely seen as selfish persons who lived their life by choice rather then by the truth, which is that in all addicts the luxury that is enjoyed by people who can take or leave a substance is bypassed at some point and becomes a necessity. Only detoxification, or sobering up, and a change in life that offers support for abstenance continually was the proven method for recovery which was attempted in the early 1900's by the oxford group, later evolving to the proven and effective 12 step method I use in my life today. Can we see how old this evil disease really is now? Its much bigger than any one person can imagine. With the re-legalization of alcohol in America after prohabition the size of the disease flourished and has continued to do so "legally" before the eyes of millions who have never had the "itch" to fall victim to it.
Thats not to say that anyone that touches or tries a substance is an addict. That is by no means true. I can say this though from my personal account. Had I never tried or had the option to try alcohol or drugs my addiction may never have been discovered. Thats not to spring up a bunch of 'what if's', whats happened is for a reason. I can only be greatful today for having my Sobriety and following the path that is so freely shown to me by others. The men and women whom have succeeded before me come back everyday to support the newly sober and solidify those with long standing recovery. They do it for no money, no social praise as we are anonymous in what groups we operate, they simply do it because it was done for them. Those first one hundred people who gathered to do this for one another began to do it for others. One city spread to ten, and soon after the whole world was filled with the message of hope. Hope that they too could recover from a hopeless state of mind, body, & spirit.
I want to thank those first 100 that set out to do the work of a power greater than themselves. My higher power as a matter of fact, whom I call God. It doesn't matter what you call it, or if its male, female or for me neither. Its just knowing that something great is out there and it has blessed all of us. Even the sick and suffering, the hopeless addicts like me who got a chance at a second life. My life today would not be the same, I might not have made it this far at the rate I was going. I can only be glad that its 2010 and that recovery is an option for me today. To be outcasted by my family, my tribe, my city or country like was the way ages ago would have meant certain death for me. May we all be greatful for our lives, they aren't so bad today. Look back and appreciate that we are not so unfortunate as our ancestors, our higher power has blessed us with discoveries over the years. Those discoveries are things we take for granted even in "normal" life, not just for addicts. I cannot show enough thanks for the people who have showed me that "WHAT WORKS, WORKS!" For now.. Good Night. Good Mornin... <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Respect Whats First - Sobriety Before All
Feb 23. Terrific Tuesday? I dunno but I learned some things and found a new respect for someone that I didn't feel much towards before. I will get to that in a few minutes but I like to share my day so lets start with waking up as mom was getting ready for work. I didn't know what I had planned today other than a meeting at night, but it ended up good. I saw a good friend in the AM and by noon was on my way to hang out with my best friend for a little while. After about three hours he had to pick up his kids and I was on my way back home myself. I ran into another friend at a gas station where I stopped for coffee. It seemed like wherever I went I was seeing quality people that I had met or rekindled with since my Sobriety's beginning. I don't think its a coincidence that I saw friends everywhere I went today, I think that its a reflection of what happens when you live your life by spiritual means. You just end up making friends where you go. I can only thank my higher power for such a blessing of wonderful people in my life, perhaps he is working through them to make my Sobriety something to cherish.
A short while after the last run-in with someone I got the call from my mom that she was leaving work and it was an early day. Perfect timing because it saved me the trip of having to go home and wait, today was one of those days nothing seemed out of place. We met up for our usual gas fill up together on tuesdays and she followed me home as the snow began to fall. I got a quick hair cut once we got there and hopped in the shower. By the time I had gotten out several inches had fallen outside where I live in PA, I was shocked by the rapid snowfall & accumulation. I am just as shocked when I see someone at a meeting and the next day I hear they are back out using or drinking. Like a rapid snowfall the progression of our disease can be just as rapid and the accumulation of pressure to collapse happens just as quick through holding in or harboring dangerous feelings or cravings. I didn't associate the two in a vivid compairson until I got out to the meeting later on but first I stopped at the Cigar shop to get my clove smokes, probably the one vice left I enjoy that is physically bad for me.
The snow was so bad outside that I ended up late to the meeting by about 20 minutes, arriving the same time as another gentleman. He happened to be the one I spoke about having little respect for prior. It seemed that he lived his life of Sobriety in tension and anger. From his prior sharing and others it was explained that he was even more angry in the past, which is hard to imagine for me but evidently a scary truth. He never seemed to have anything in Sobriety that I "wanted" in my own so I often didn't give him much credit for the program he was working. Tonight I heard something different from him on the way in though, something noteworthy of my respect. He had mentioned how he had broken off a relationship with a sober woman whom I also know, to be truthful she is a beautiful woman and quite a catch for him. That is in my opinion, others may see it differently as she must have seen something different also to be interested in him so. In any case, he chose to break off the relationship he really enjoyed so much. I could tell by his demeanor and voice that he loves this woman.
The point I am trying to make is that this man knew something was coming before his Sobriety. He expressed how she was endangering his emotions, that things were not all peachy in the relationship. He broke it off to keep his sobriety intact, no matter his own feelings he did what was going to save his life and keep him from the next drink.. the fatal drink. I admire that courage, that sacrifice, and that dedication to his Sobriety. I only hope that if the day came that a relationship posed a threat to my Sobriety that I would too chose to have none before I took that drink. As we get to know people more and more and always keep an open mind, we can learn to respect even some people we thought we never could. There is something inside each person, no matter how sick or unnatractive they may be to us in whatever fashion we are seeing, that can make us proud of them and feel a little bit of respect. Not everyone can be perfect, nor be what we want them to be. But they are who they are.. a human being. I await the day that I meet a person who loves me as much as I have grown to love my Sobriety, and when I do I will pray that they never become jealous of my Sobriety. Its a hard thing to do, to let something go that you know you must, and hope it comes back changed like a butterfly from the cocoon. If it doesn't, its whats meant to be. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
A short while after the last run-in with someone I got the call from my mom that she was leaving work and it was an early day. Perfect timing because it saved me the trip of having to go home and wait, today was one of those days nothing seemed out of place. We met up for our usual gas fill up together on tuesdays and she followed me home as the snow began to fall. I got a quick hair cut once we got there and hopped in the shower. By the time I had gotten out several inches had fallen outside where I live in PA, I was shocked by the rapid snowfall & accumulation. I am just as shocked when I see someone at a meeting and the next day I hear they are back out using or drinking. Like a rapid snowfall the progression of our disease can be just as rapid and the accumulation of pressure to collapse happens just as quick through holding in or harboring dangerous feelings or cravings. I didn't associate the two in a vivid compairson until I got out to the meeting later on but first I stopped at the Cigar shop to get my clove smokes, probably the one vice left I enjoy that is physically bad for me.
The snow was so bad outside that I ended up late to the meeting by about 20 minutes, arriving the same time as another gentleman. He happened to be the one I spoke about having little respect for prior. It seemed that he lived his life of Sobriety in tension and anger. From his prior sharing and others it was explained that he was even more angry in the past, which is hard to imagine for me but evidently a scary truth. He never seemed to have anything in Sobriety that I "wanted" in my own so I often didn't give him much credit for the program he was working. Tonight I heard something different from him on the way in though, something noteworthy of my respect. He had mentioned how he had broken off a relationship with a sober woman whom I also know, to be truthful she is a beautiful woman and quite a catch for him. That is in my opinion, others may see it differently as she must have seen something different also to be interested in him so. In any case, he chose to break off the relationship he really enjoyed so much. I could tell by his demeanor and voice that he loves this woman.
The point I am trying to make is that this man knew something was coming before his Sobriety. He expressed how she was endangering his emotions, that things were not all peachy in the relationship. He broke it off to keep his sobriety intact, no matter his own feelings he did what was going to save his life and keep him from the next drink.. the fatal drink. I admire that courage, that sacrifice, and that dedication to his Sobriety. I only hope that if the day came that a relationship posed a threat to my Sobriety that I would too chose to have none before I took that drink. As we get to know people more and more and always keep an open mind, we can learn to respect even some people we thought we never could. There is something inside each person, no matter how sick or unnatractive they may be to us in whatever fashion we are seeing, that can make us proud of them and feel a little bit of respect. Not everyone can be perfect, nor be what we want them to be. But they are who they are.. a human being. I await the day that I meet a person who loves me as much as I have grown to love my Sobriety, and when I do I will pray that they never become jealous of my Sobriety. Its a hard thing to do, to let something go that you know you must, and hope it comes back changed like a butterfly from the cocoon. If it doesn't, its whats meant to be. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Monday, February 22, 2010
Inventory Weekend - Not Just For Business People
Feb 22. Hey friends, thanks for your patience while I bounced back from the crazy weekend. What a weekend of progress too. Not from the standpoint of the business at the market, sales were low, but with so much I gained & accomplished with my sponsor on the visit to his house on saturday. I will talk more about it but first let me say this, I was so worn out from little sleep that sunday wiped me out completely. I literally slept sunday night around midnight all the way to monday afternoon. I have been taught when things get crazy to stop & take care of myself because health is important. I almost didn't do that, but in hindsight I am so glad I had the opportunity to catch up. Tonight was also a great night, the MARS Group was cancelled so I went to my usual homegroup meeting in Moscow. It happened to be a man's 5 year celebration in Sobriety & my sponsor was the guest speaker.
His message was not only informative but inspiring as we have dealt with alot of the same issues. There was plenty I couldn't relate to as well, which often times for me keeps a persons story interesting. A change from the 'same old same old' so to speak is always a good thing. Thats exactly what Saturday night was for me too. I used to do my Step Work & Big Book Readings with another gentleman than my sponsor due to time & availability issues. Because I had started talking as of late about my complacency with that part of my recovery, it was starting to come to the attention of my sponsor that I was "stuck" and needed to move ahead. On Saturday after I closed my shop up we met at his house to address my current situation that was hindering progress.
We hung out for a few minutes & caught up but were quick to move right to reading in the Big Book together because we wanted to take advantage of most of the time we had together. We picked up primarily where I had left off with my previous help, back tracking slightly to refamilarize myself with the work we were about to move into. What we did next was something that was spiritually moving to me. I had been told by others who had taken this step in their Sobriety that once done things would change in the way I think. That is if I truly meant the words I spoke and the directed them with willingness to follow through to my higher power. The prayer as spelled out in the Big Book went something like this.. those of you who have not yet named your higher power might just say 'higher power' but mine is named God, neither male nor female might I add...
"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will Always!"
Prior to taking this step I had taken quite a many 24 hours to decide if I was ready to abandon my self to the will of my higher power. When I thought long and hard I had come to the realization that now Sober, none of my dreams, hopes, or wishes were anything It would not already want in my life already. Most of my current actions displayed a willingness to do what was right for fellow man and right for myself. With all these realizations I had been eager to complete this prayer in front of a witness as suggested by the program.. And when I did I FELT INCREDIBLE. It was a sense of happiness with myself that I could finally ask for non-selfish motive in all actions in my life. I know that I cannot perfectly uphold such a model task, but I ask for my higher powers help to do my best. My best I WILL DO so long as I continue to follow the path of Spirituality & live in the Light rather than the selfish darkness my life consisted of for so long. My will had gotten me into the hell I lived, it caused the breeding and growth of that downward spiral. It surely is time to have some one else's will be done than mine, its the formula for success. What would my higher power have of me? To move ahead thats for sure.
After the moving experience which I prayed on my knees, my sponsor & I continued to work in the book. Moving through a section of material describing the fourth step and what is required to take it. Over the course of the next few days I am to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I will put pen to paper, actually I have already begun, and list both good & bad things that come together to form my current self. I will also list resentments or feelings that I have not dealt with or cannot leg go of in my conscious, why I have them, and what the basis of their haunting me has to do with.. such as fear, self, jealousy, etc. This is a task most people are unwilling to take in their lives even if they are told/figure out that its something worthwile to do. Why? Because they feel they have to do this alone and fix their defects of character by themsevles.
I am so grateful that the 12 step program I belong to has so many that remind me I am not alone & that the task is a "We" task. We are never alone if we chose not to be and should any of us decide to take this step there are many willing to help. I hope as I cross this stage of my Sobriety that I am able to sort out and release much of the pain from my past 14 years of addiction/alcoholism. To be a better person for the world around me is my goal.. And that includes even you who are reading this blog tonight. With that I want to say, Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
His message was not only informative but inspiring as we have dealt with alot of the same issues. There was plenty I couldn't relate to as well, which often times for me keeps a persons story interesting. A change from the 'same old same old' so to speak is always a good thing. Thats exactly what Saturday night was for me too. I used to do my Step Work & Big Book Readings with another gentleman than my sponsor due to time & availability issues. Because I had started talking as of late about my complacency with that part of my recovery, it was starting to come to the attention of my sponsor that I was "stuck" and needed to move ahead. On Saturday after I closed my shop up we met at his house to address my current situation that was hindering progress.
We hung out for a few minutes & caught up but were quick to move right to reading in the Big Book together because we wanted to take advantage of most of the time we had together. We picked up primarily where I had left off with my previous help, back tracking slightly to refamilarize myself with the work we were about to move into. What we did next was something that was spiritually moving to me. I had been told by others who had taken this step in their Sobriety that once done things would change in the way I think. That is if I truly meant the words I spoke and the directed them with willingness to follow through to my higher power. The prayer as spelled out in the Big Book went something like this.. those of you who have not yet named your higher power might just say 'higher power' but mine is named God, neither male nor female might I add...
"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will Always!"
Prior to taking this step I had taken quite a many 24 hours to decide if I was ready to abandon my self to the will of my higher power. When I thought long and hard I had come to the realization that now Sober, none of my dreams, hopes, or wishes were anything It would not already want in my life already. Most of my current actions displayed a willingness to do what was right for fellow man and right for myself. With all these realizations I had been eager to complete this prayer in front of a witness as suggested by the program.. And when I did I FELT INCREDIBLE. It was a sense of happiness with myself that I could finally ask for non-selfish motive in all actions in my life. I know that I cannot perfectly uphold such a model task, but I ask for my higher powers help to do my best. My best I WILL DO so long as I continue to follow the path of Spirituality & live in the Light rather than the selfish darkness my life consisted of for so long. My will had gotten me into the hell I lived, it caused the breeding and growth of that downward spiral. It surely is time to have some one else's will be done than mine, its the formula for success. What would my higher power have of me? To move ahead thats for sure.
After the moving experience which I prayed on my knees, my sponsor & I continued to work in the book. Moving through a section of material describing the fourth step and what is required to take it. Over the course of the next few days I am to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I will put pen to paper, actually I have already begun, and list both good & bad things that come together to form my current self. I will also list resentments or feelings that I have not dealt with or cannot leg go of in my conscious, why I have them, and what the basis of their haunting me has to do with.. such as fear, self, jealousy, etc. This is a task most people are unwilling to take in their lives even if they are told/figure out that its something worthwile to do. Why? Because they feel they have to do this alone and fix their defects of character by themsevles.
I am so grateful that the 12 step program I belong to has so many that remind me I am not alone & that the task is a "We" task. We are never alone if we chose not to be and should any of us decide to take this step there are many willing to help. I hope as I cross this stage of my Sobriety that I am able to sort out and release much of the pain from my past 14 years of addiction/alcoholism. To be a better person for the world around me is my goal.. And that includes even you who are reading this blog tonight. With that I want to say, Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Update
Feb 21. Hey Friends! I just wanted to let everyone know that I had one heck of a long weekend and little to no sleep to drive me through it. I did get to meet with my sponsor for many hours Sat & studied the big book, as worked on some of the steps. I will be posting monday mid-day for all you readers. Thanks for your parience
Friday, February 19, 2010
Life's Locked Doors - Keys Of Communication
Feb 19. T.G.I.F. everyone. I know for alot of the readers friday is come & gone making it saturday. All I know is that thursday was so hectic & tiring that I couldn't have anticipated friday any more than I did. Today was as equally productive as thursday was, I just got so much farther doing so much less, if that makes sense to you. I had a headache from being too tired this morning so I enjoyed a little extra sleep in the late afternoon. I had to take advantage of it when I could because a busy nite was ahead of me. Mom got home from work early & shortly after that my dad did too, as most of you know since getting Sober we have adopted the ritual of eating dinner out together on fridays. Its something I've found myself looking forward too all week & after sleeping off that headache today was no exception.
We got to enjoy dinner at lil' tony's, which is a mutual friend's new resturaunt. The whole ride they we talked on the phone to eachother, driving in seperate cars is a must because of our different agenda's after dinner. The more we talk it seems the more we get along, the exact opposite of when I was active in addiction. It seemed back then that more communication closed more doors between us. Why wouldn't it, afterall my thinking was self centered and revolved around personal gain.. never other's interests or well being. The change in how we communicate and the content of our conversations has changed so much with Sobriety. I contribute the changes to spiritual principles that have literally molded my life today.
The mention of spirituality actually brings me to something else I wanted to mention. Tonight's meeting was phenominal. I somehow heard many solutions that apply to my current situation in Sobriety. Mostly to do with me sharing the topic of complacency, I heard one suggestion after another that seemed to make sense. My share at the beginning of the meeting consisted of me explaining that I had lost the option of working on the 12 Steps & in the recovery Big Book due to my former "Big Book Buddy" becoming unavailable as of late. It has been nearly two months since I've been able to go over recovery material with someone as described by the steps & big book.
The suggestions ranged from attending new groups & specialized meetings to study the book & steps all the way to doing service work & sitting in on general service conferences etc. There seemed to be plenty to do to end the complacency in my life that I had not yet experienced. Although my main purpose of sharing in the first place was to find people out there that wanted to work with me on my spiritual progress, the end result was more than I expected. I say that because I got information on a realm of ideas that were very helpful to me and will become very useful in my Sobriety when complacent & discontent feelings arise again. After the grand slam meeting I went with my sponsor & other sober friends to get some coffe at a local italian shop.
The conversation there was laid back and even more enjoyable. It seemed a little fellowship and communication with others was restoring my excitement and dissolving my complacency as the night went on. The best words to my ears came later in talks with my sponsor. He said that I was ready to take certain steps & that so much would be revealed as I do. Not only that but he said that he himself would make the time to help me through it. My prayers have seemed to be answered. I opened my mouth and spoke about what I hoped to accomplish & what I was going through, the result was people coming to aid me in taking action.
I can only wrap this up with one general thought of truth I am discovering more & more these days... If you use the keys of communication with purpose & honesty, the doors that we unlock can open new potential in all areas of our lives ... NEVER be afraid to ask for help or share where you are at in life. ALWAYS be honest & willing to implement the solutions in your life. Countless people have experience that we can benefit from in many areas. In our Careers, Spiritual Life, Sobriety, Friendships, Love Life, Finance, and as simple as 'how to' accomplish a task we don't know how, people are out there and willing to help. Don't be afraid of ridicule, mockery, or rejection.. they are character defects that often deter us from asking. GOOD PEOPLE EXIST everywhere, even in the worst of places and you only find them and their helpful experience by communicating. All things in life can be unlocked through the key of communication. Thanks for blogging in everyone. For now I say.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
We got to enjoy dinner at lil' tony's, which is a mutual friend's new resturaunt. The whole ride they we talked on the phone to eachother, driving in seperate cars is a must because of our different agenda's after dinner. The more we talk it seems the more we get along, the exact opposite of when I was active in addiction. It seemed back then that more communication closed more doors between us. Why wouldn't it, afterall my thinking was self centered and revolved around personal gain.. never other's interests or well being. The change in how we communicate and the content of our conversations has changed so much with Sobriety. I contribute the changes to spiritual principles that have literally molded my life today.
The mention of spirituality actually brings me to something else I wanted to mention. Tonight's meeting was phenominal. I somehow heard many solutions that apply to my current situation in Sobriety. Mostly to do with me sharing the topic of complacency, I heard one suggestion after another that seemed to make sense. My share at the beginning of the meeting consisted of me explaining that I had lost the option of working on the 12 Steps & in the recovery Big Book due to my former "Big Book Buddy" becoming unavailable as of late. It has been nearly two months since I've been able to go over recovery material with someone as described by the steps & big book.
The suggestions ranged from attending new groups & specialized meetings to study the book & steps all the way to doing service work & sitting in on general service conferences etc. There seemed to be plenty to do to end the complacency in my life that I had not yet experienced. Although my main purpose of sharing in the first place was to find people out there that wanted to work with me on my spiritual progress, the end result was more than I expected. I say that because I got information on a realm of ideas that were very helpful to me and will become very useful in my Sobriety when complacent & discontent feelings arise again. After the grand slam meeting I went with my sponsor & other sober friends to get some coffe at a local italian shop.
The conversation there was laid back and even more enjoyable. It seemed a little fellowship and communication with others was restoring my excitement and dissolving my complacency as the night went on. The best words to my ears came later in talks with my sponsor. He said that I was ready to take certain steps & that so much would be revealed as I do. Not only that but he said that he himself would make the time to help me through it. My prayers have seemed to be answered. I opened my mouth and spoke about what I hoped to accomplish & what I was going through, the result was people coming to aid me in taking action.
I can only wrap this up with one general thought of truth I am discovering more & more these days... If you use the keys of communication with purpose & honesty, the doors that we unlock can open new potential in all areas of our lives ... NEVER be afraid to ask for help or share where you are at in life. ALWAYS be honest & willing to implement the solutions in your life. Countless people have experience that we can benefit from in many areas. In our Careers, Spiritual Life, Sobriety, Friendships, Love Life, Finance, and as simple as 'how to' accomplish a task we don't know how, people are out there and willing to help. Don't be afraid of ridicule, mockery, or rejection.. they are character defects that often deter us from asking. GOOD PEOPLE EXIST everywhere, even in the worst of places and you only find them and their helpful experience by communicating. All things in life can be unlocked through the key of communication. Thanks for blogging in everyone. For now I say.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Taddle Tale, Taddle Tail - Being Your Own Snitch
Feb 18. Well now that we are all past wednesday we can look forward to the weekend being almost here. Most people look forward for the weekend for either having it off work, going out & being active, or catching up on things they can't do during the work week. Like a good alcoholic I am not like most people, the weekend brings me super busy days running my new shop and long evenings when you add a meeting and dinner onto that day. But its not only the weekend thats busy for me, thursdays are as equally demanding because of all the activities involved with sobriety, commitments, and requirements I deal with as a result of the consequences of my disease's actions in the past. I thought before I get into a busy cycle the next few days I'd bring up an important topic tonight that I was fortunate enough to put into action.
I was raised as a child that if somebody was doing something wrong or said 'don't tell' that it was probably a good idea to tell somebody I trust about it. After early childhood and going into my teens my experimentation with drugs & alcohol began and I developed an opposite attitude towards this 'taddle tale" philosophy. I did not want to be judged or ever labeled a hypocrit by my fellow abusers and experimentalists in the illicit life I was living, and I of course did not want it to happen to me. Getting caught at an early age would have made it harder for me to experience the different "altered states of mind" I was trying to experiment with. During that time of loyalty to the illegal and life destroying chemicals I was using I became addicted. The genetic, mental, and physical change kicked into effect and I lost the ability of choice, as well, lacking the knowledge & resources to stop.
For over a decade I went off in this chaotic and spiritually distressed state with the motto "Snitches Get Stitches". I was opposed to the exposing of another's chemical habbits and the means of obtaining them to any authority figure or person that held consequence over them. In other words I was not only supportive of people's privacy with their struggles with drugs & alcohol, I also helped get even when someone became a "Rat" and told one of these consequential figures. Cops, Parents, Teachers, Friends, Lovers... the masquerade had to be done for us without them knowing. I remember doing some very harmful and shameful things to other people who told on people I used with or was involved with in the drug world. I am not proud and have made peace with this issue with my higher power through many long nights. One thing today I am not ashamed of however is being a Self Snitch. It's one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and even harder to do it on a regular and healthy basis.
I say a healthy basis because without the ability to do this, things in my life that grow in the dark can endanger my Sobriety. By being the "Rat" I once harmed & hated, but only telling on myself, I am able to keep myself honest. It takes an honest program to be able to stay sober and without that honesty its imposible get sober in the first place. Tonight at a meeting I put light to something that has been absent in my Sobriety for many weeks. I snitched myself out to my fellow alcoholics/addicts in the meeting for not working on my spiritual progress, but instead merely maintaining my current state of Sobriety. There is so much more, but complacency settled in and without the right people knowing it will stay in my life.
A little over a month ago I was avid like the first five months of my sobriety, ready and willing to do work in the Big Book, and work on myself resulting in the spiritual progress I speak of. It took doing what I did over six months ago to get the wheels back in motion. Like when I said "There is something terrible going on in my life, and it has been for years.. I need some help here", I basically said the same thing tonight. I need the help of others to get out of bad or dangerous places, just like I needed others to help me stop using drugs in the first place. So now with it out on the table others who are capable of showing me the work to do on myself can identify themselves. I am grateful for the ability today to be honest and to be a snitch on myself. Without it I would be left to my own devices and I certainly for 14 years did NOT know the way. Fortunately many do though and they are in the rooms that fill with each meeting I attend. I need only share where I am at and be the Rat I need to be to get that help I need. I hope we all know when we are in that place that we don't want to be. I pray for us all to have that ability, know when to tell on ourselves, and for the right persons to hear it for our survival and growth. Thanks for reading friends, Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
I was raised as a child that if somebody was doing something wrong or said 'don't tell' that it was probably a good idea to tell somebody I trust about it. After early childhood and going into my teens my experimentation with drugs & alcohol began and I developed an opposite attitude towards this 'taddle tale" philosophy. I did not want to be judged or ever labeled a hypocrit by my fellow abusers and experimentalists in the illicit life I was living, and I of course did not want it to happen to me. Getting caught at an early age would have made it harder for me to experience the different "altered states of mind" I was trying to experiment with. During that time of loyalty to the illegal and life destroying chemicals I was using I became addicted. The genetic, mental, and physical change kicked into effect and I lost the ability of choice, as well, lacking the knowledge & resources to stop.
For over a decade I went off in this chaotic and spiritually distressed state with the motto "Snitches Get Stitches". I was opposed to the exposing of another's chemical habbits and the means of obtaining them to any authority figure or person that held consequence over them. In other words I was not only supportive of people's privacy with their struggles with drugs & alcohol, I also helped get even when someone became a "Rat" and told one of these consequential figures. Cops, Parents, Teachers, Friends, Lovers... the masquerade had to be done for us without them knowing. I remember doing some very harmful and shameful things to other people who told on people I used with or was involved with in the drug world. I am not proud and have made peace with this issue with my higher power through many long nights. One thing today I am not ashamed of however is being a Self Snitch. It's one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and even harder to do it on a regular and healthy basis.
I say a healthy basis because without the ability to do this, things in my life that grow in the dark can endanger my Sobriety. By being the "Rat" I once harmed & hated, but only telling on myself, I am able to keep myself honest. It takes an honest program to be able to stay sober and without that honesty its imposible get sober in the first place. Tonight at a meeting I put light to something that has been absent in my Sobriety for many weeks. I snitched myself out to my fellow alcoholics/addicts in the meeting for not working on my spiritual progress, but instead merely maintaining my current state of Sobriety. There is so much more, but complacency settled in and without the right people knowing it will stay in my life.
A little over a month ago I was avid like the first five months of my sobriety, ready and willing to do work in the Big Book, and work on myself resulting in the spiritual progress I speak of. It took doing what I did over six months ago to get the wheels back in motion. Like when I said "There is something terrible going on in my life, and it has been for years.. I need some help here", I basically said the same thing tonight. I need the help of others to get out of bad or dangerous places, just like I needed others to help me stop using drugs in the first place. So now with it out on the table others who are capable of showing me the work to do on myself can identify themselves. I am grateful for the ability today to be honest and to be a snitch on myself. Without it I would be left to my own devices and I certainly for 14 years did NOT know the way. Fortunately many do though and they are in the rooms that fill with each meeting I attend. I need only share where I am at and be the Rat I need to be to get that help I need. I hope we all know when we are in that place that we don't want to be. I pray for us all to have that ability, know when to tell on ourselves, and for the right persons to hear it for our survival and growth. Thanks for reading friends, Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Maintenance Is Work But Not THE WORK
Feb 16. Today was an early bird day & I guess the opportunity to get the worm didn't present itself to me, or maybe it did. I started off by leaving the house at 6:30AM to catch an early meeting. I ended up having breakfast & coffee mid morning & made a few phone calls to people I needed to catch up with. I was just in my normal "existing sober" routine for the most part all day, nothing really significant. Hours past and dinner came & went, before I knew it I was heading to the evening 12 step meeting I go to. The tuesday night meeting is specifically an early recovery meeting and covers the first three steps as an introduction to the actual action work. I chose to go to this meeting for a variety of reasons which is basically my topic for tonight.
Other than doing a good job at maintaining my Sobriety the past month or so I haven't really made much ground as far as "spiritual or sober progress" is concerned. In terms of 12 step work I have been at a standstill because I've been putting some of my attention back into what some people consider 'normal life' stuff. That was time that in the past few months I devoted to the actual action & education work in the program. I try to take my own inventory honestly and without being afraid of the truth in something about me, but its difficult to do sometimes. Its also difficult to take action when you do find something that you can actually "do" to make things better. So here I am at the early recovery meeting, listening to others share about vital things that I am currently maintaining instead of adding to in my Sobriety.
Hearing so much of what I needed to hear I chose to share, talking about some of my shortcoming in the past and as of late. After the meeting I even called my sponsor, explaining to him how I've felt "busy bodied" by normal life circumstances that I have created for myself. Its ever more evident that in order to prevent slipping back into the grip of the disease of alcoholism/addiction, I need to be growing spiritually. I can't just maintain my current level of progress and expect the rest of my life to be sunshine and sugar. The reality hits my stomache like anyone who is running a tight life schedule, it is heavy and makes me not want to move and take action. I MUST. There are countless friends with decades of Sobriety that are only a phone call away for me and willing to work in the book & on me with the long list of step work yet ahead of me.
Tonight I want to share my gratitude for the recovery programs and the open meeting tonight that helped me remember what I am to do. The path to good and stable sobriety is right before me and I don't have to walk it alone. I am reminded of that every day when I meet with other alcoholics/addicts to share at these meetings. Tonight was a reminder that there is work to be done. When I got sober I said "Whatever it takes, I'll do it." That remains true today, even if what it takes is showing up to hear what the next right thing is. I hope all who are in search of growth in their life seek out those who are in a position you want to be, put our pride aside. If we open our minds and are willing to take action the teacher will appear when the student is ready. I guess my job now is to let people know that I am ready to get back to work. Thanks for blogging in, for now.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Other than doing a good job at maintaining my Sobriety the past month or so I haven't really made much ground as far as "spiritual or sober progress" is concerned. In terms of 12 step work I have been at a standstill because I've been putting some of my attention back into what some people consider 'normal life' stuff. That was time that in the past few months I devoted to the actual action & education work in the program. I try to take my own inventory honestly and without being afraid of the truth in something about me, but its difficult to do sometimes. Its also difficult to take action when you do find something that you can actually "do" to make things better. So here I am at the early recovery meeting, listening to others share about vital things that I am currently maintaining instead of adding to in my Sobriety.
Hearing so much of what I needed to hear I chose to share, talking about some of my shortcoming in the past and as of late. After the meeting I even called my sponsor, explaining to him how I've felt "busy bodied" by normal life circumstances that I have created for myself. Its ever more evident that in order to prevent slipping back into the grip of the disease of alcoholism/addiction, I need to be growing spiritually. I can't just maintain my current level of progress and expect the rest of my life to be sunshine and sugar. The reality hits my stomache like anyone who is running a tight life schedule, it is heavy and makes me not want to move and take action. I MUST. There are countless friends with decades of Sobriety that are only a phone call away for me and willing to work in the book & on me with the long list of step work yet ahead of me.
Tonight I want to share my gratitude for the recovery programs and the open meeting tonight that helped me remember what I am to do. The path to good and stable sobriety is right before me and I don't have to walk it alone. I am reminded of that every day when I meet with other alcoholics/addicts to share at these meetings. Tonight was a reminder that there is work to be done. When I got sober I said "Whatever it takes, I'll do it." That remains true today, even if what it takes is showing up to hear what the next right thing is. I hope all who are in search of growth in their life seek out those who are in a position you want to be, put our pride aside. If we open our minds and are willing to take action the teacher will appear when the student is ready. I guess my job now is to let people know that I am ready to get back to work. Thanks for blogging in, for now.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
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