Taddle Tale, Taddle Tail - Being Your Own Snitch

Feb 18. Well now that we are all past wednesday we can look forward to the weekend being almost here. Most people look forward for the weekend for either having it off work, going out & being active, or catching up on things they can't do during the work week. Like a good alcoholic I am not like most people, the weekend brings me super busy days running my new shop and long evenings when you add a meeting and dinner onto that day. But its not only the weekend thats busy for me, thursdays are as equally demanding because of all the activities involved with sobriety, commitments, and requirements I deal with as a result of the consequences of my disease's actions in the past. I thought before I get into a busy cycle the next few days I'd bring up an important topic tonight that I was fortunate enough to put into action.

I was raised as a child that if somebody was doing something wrong or said 'don't tell' that it was probably a good idea to tell somebody I trust about it. After early childhood and going into my teens my experimentation with drugs & alcohol began and I developed an opposite attitude towards this 'taddle tale" philosophy. I did not want to be judged or ever labeled a hypocrit by my fellow abusers and experimentalists in the illicit life I was living, and I of course did not want it to happen to me. Getting caught at an early age would have made it harder for me to experience the different "altered states of mind" I was trying to experiment with. During that time of loyalty to the illegal and life destroying chemicals I was using I became addicted. The genetic, mental, and physical change kicked into effect and I lost the ability of choice, as well, lacking the knowledge & resources to stop.

For over a decade I went off in this chaotic and spiritually distressed state with the motto "Snitches Get Stitches". I was opposed to the exposing of another's chemical habbits and the means of obtaining them to any authority figure or person that held consequence over them. In other words I was not only supportive of people's privacy with their struggles with drugs & alcohol, I also helped get even when someone became a "Rat" and told one of these consequential figures. Cops, Parents, Teachers, Friends, Lovers... the masquerade had to be done for us without them knowing. I remember doing some very harmful and shameful things to other people who told on people I used with or was involved with in the drug world. I am not proud and have made peace with this issue with my higher power through many long nights. One thing today I am not ashamed of however is being a Self Snitch. It's one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and even harder to do it on a regular and healthy basis.

I say a healthy basis because without the ability to do this, things in my life that grow in the dark can endanger my Sobriety. By being the "Rat" I once harmed & hated, but only telling on myself, I am able to keep myself honest. It takes an honest program to be able to stay sober and without that honesty its imposible get sober in the first place. Tonight at a meeting I put light to something that has been absent in my Sobriety for many weeks. I snitched myself out to my fellow alcoholics/addicts in the meeting for not working on my spiritual progress, but instead merely maintaining my current state of Sobriety. There is so much more, but complacency settled in and without the right people knowing it will stay in my life.

A little over a month ago I was avid like the first five months of my sobriety, ready and willing to do work in the Big Book, and work on myself resulting in the spiritual progress I speak of. It took doing what I did over six months ago to get the wheels back in motion. Like when I said "There is something terrible going on in my life, and it has been for years.. I need some help here", I basically said the same thing tonight. I need the help of others to get out of bad or dangerous places, just like I needed others to help me stop using drugs in the first place. So now with it out on the table others who are capable of showing me the work to do on myself can identify themselves. I am grateful for the ability today to be honest and to be a snitch on myself. Without it I would be left to my own devices and I certainly for 14 years did NOT know the way. Fortunately many do though and they are in the rooms that fill with each meeting I attend. I need only share where I am at and be the Rat I need to be to get that help I need. I hope we all know when we are in that place that we don't want to be. I pray for us all to have that ability, know when to tell on ourselves, and for the right persons to hear it for our survival and growth. Thanks for reading friends, Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy