Higher Power?

Feb 1. Its Monday friends! Everybody back to work, school, life? Well not everybody. I happen to have a mom who is very sick with an unknown lung problem that came out of nowhere on friday night. It seemed to get worse as each day passed, to the point that this morning we scheduled & went to the doctors. After all that and getting her some breakfast we came back home so she could rest. With all that, I hope that any of you who are spiritual, which I hope is all of you, please say a prayer to your higher power for her. Recovery from any sickness or disease is so important & needs encouragement from a higher power & friends.

That brings me to tonights topic. I wanted to talk about my higher power a little bit. No I am not going to get into specifics, but yes I am in a way. I was raised from childhood to originally believe in a invisible being, all powerful, punishing, capable of miracles & disasters, and something to be feared. Thats not what my parents tried to teach me, its what I interpreted from the sunday classes & all the material put before me. The things I read & lessons taught often talked about hell, damnation, punishment, etc. Maybe it was designed to put fear & obediance into us as children but it spoiled the image of "God" for me. It wasn't until I heard the new testament & heard stories of "Christ" that I even had hope for human kind.. and this was from age 8-13 that I learned about the religion I was taught in childhood. By age 14 I had gone through in Sunday classes the entire "Bible" that "Christians" say is the word of "God". I was "Confirmed" into the Methodist Church and was told as a child I was "Baptized".

My addiction turned from experimentation to loss of choice & control that year. My childhood had taught me that I was sinning and going to be punished in life & go to "Hell" for my behavior. Due to that belief that people of formal religions would say is accurate, I ran even further from a higher power in my life. I figured that if I distanced myself from this punishing figure, that I was doing what it wanted, I was a disgrace to it. Most would say that a person in my situation need to stop using & repent, but I could not do that because I had no control of my disease or choice to use. It was a necessary thing because for a long time prior I had no ability to function emotionally. All of my joy & sorrow was spent numbing myself with chemicals & there was no "Human" inside of me for the most part. I tried to stop more times than I can recall as I think back over the years. Nearing the fifth year of my addiction, as I was approaching 19 years old, I had finally made what I thought was a permanent "peace" with my destiny. I had come to the conclusion that I was going to suffer until I die, maybe as punishment for the prior four years of sinful drug use. It got worse thought, because a higher power not only was distant from me but I had a resentment built for it "making me broken" and unable to stop my addiction.

The spiritual decay & chemical reliance for acceptance in the world & emotional survival day to day grew for another ten years as I traded one substance for the next. Where was this higher power now? As I injected myself with drugs in collapsed veins & practically associated with "Demons" & the "Devil" on a daily and first name basis? It felt almost like there could be no higher power in my life and if it wasn't in my life maybe it wasn't in the world at all. Things suddenly changed though, as money became the issue more than ever and desperation took me to new lows. I started regrowing a conscience as I dipped into the wells of loved ones for my addiciton's hunger. I had been sick & without the worst drug I ever used on several occasions now but this one was different. I was stealing from the one person I loved the most & taking things that could not be replaced. When I did this for the first time I felt like the scum of the earth, and probably was.

The drugs did not take away the dirty feeling this time. A shower & sleep did not remove a speck from my "Soul" or as I call it Spiritual Being. I had to do something about this because I had thought about possibly not deserving to live. I had already accepted that I would have to do dope the rest of my life to be able to survive without feeling sick or like my flesh was crawling, now suicide? No amount of heroin would kill me & I purposely bought from a batch that had alread killed another addict, hoping I could at least enjoy my way to the grave. I couldn't enjoy the high, that had been for a while now but got worse after the stealing from my loved ones started. No death, No High, and stuck with feelings that I never learned how to deal with.. I had only one option. I finally turned back around, I had to face my higher power to ask him for help. No amount of sunday school classes could have prepared me for this one.

I cried. I prayed literally to "WHOEVER IS OUT THERE". I asked for help. I wanted it to take away the obsession somehow, to help me stop taking from my family, and to give me a way out of this life I was living. I promised that I would try and try my hardest. I did not see a burning bush, nor did an entity come from the clouds to talk to me directly. Something happened though. Coincidences that are unexplainable began to occur. Help appeared out of nowhere in too many forms to count, from people, medicine, doctors, counselors, the county, police, judges, family, & what I have to believe is my higher power. I had a Spiritual Awakening. The obsession is lifted, the program in place to keep it gone, and the life of an addict is gone. Somehow through what can only be called a Miracle I am alive & free. A power greater than any being that has walked this earth HAD to have orchestrated all the people, places, & things that made my recovery possible. Something beyond my imagination had to be responisble for me not questioning, but accepting the principles I must live by to keep my disease from destroying me & my life. I didn't adpot these, as each was shown to me it just applied. As I learn more it still applies. I guess when we open ourselves to a power greater than ourselves it can enter our lives in ways we never imagined. As I continue my journey, no, as I BEGIN my journey into life, I believe my higher power wants me to do certain things. The first is to help it's works become possible, offering myself as a tool to help others in need. This does not come without taking care of myself first with enough effort & resources to make myself happy & capable. I believe also my higher power wants me to unwork anything from conscience that hinders my ability to be joyous and free, this includes making ammends if necessary to others. Theres so much more but I finally believe that with all it has in store for me, my higher power wants me to find the happiness I searched for in every chemical I tried. I know today that happiness is just being alive, having family & friends, and one day having a family of my own. Whenever & however that happens is all part of it. In the meantime there is work to do, and never to stop no matter what is given to me because I must give back in eternal gratitude. " How much do you love your higher power? " I know mine has no measure & I don't believe its there to punish, but to love me equally in return.... Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy