Inventory Weekend - Not Just For Business People

Feb 22. Hey friends, thanks for your patience while I bounced back from the crazy weekend. What a weekend of progress too. Not from the standpoint of the business at the market, sales were low, but with so much I gained & accomplished with my sponsor on the visit to his house on saturday. I will talk more about it but first let me say this, I was so worn out from little sleep that sunday wiped me out completely. I literally slept sunday night around midnight all the way to monday afternoon. I have been taught when things get crazy to stop & take care of myself because health is important. I almost didn't do that, but in hindsight I am so glad I had the opportunity to catch up. Tonight was also a great night, the MARS Group was cancelled so I went to my usual homegroup meeting in Moscow. It happened to be a man's 5 year celebration in Sobriety & my sponsor was the guest speaker.

His message was not only informative but inspiring as we have dealt with alot of the same issues. There was plenty I couldn't relate to as well, which often times for me keeps a persons story interesting. A change from the 'same old same old' so to speak is always a good thing. Thats exactly what Saturday night was for me too. I used to do my Step Work & Big Book Readings with another gentleman than my sponsor due to time & availability issues. Because I had started talking as of late about my complacency with that part of my recovery, it was starting to come to the attention of my sponsor that I was "stuck" and needed to move ahead. On Saturday after I closed my shop up we met at his house to address my current situation that was hindering progress.

We hung out for a few minutes & caught up but were quick to move right to reading in the Big Book together because we wanted to take advantage of most of the time we had together. We picked up primarily where I had left off with my previous help, back tracking slightly to refamilarize myself with the work we were about to move into. What we did next was something that was spiritually moving to me. I had been told by others who had taken this step in their Sobriety that once done things would change in the way I think. That is if I truly meant the words I spoke and the directed them with willingness to follow through to my higher power. The prayer as spelled out in the Big Book went something like this.. those of you who have not yet named your higher power might just say 'higher power' but mine is named God, neither male nor female might I add...

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will Always!"

Prior to taking this step I had taken quite a many 24 hours to decide if I was ready to abandon my self to the will of my higher power. When I thought long and hard I had come to the realization that now Sober, none of my dreams, hopes, or wishes were anything It would not already want in my life already. Most of my current actions displayed a willingness to do what was right for fellow man and right for myself. With all these realizations I had been eager to complete this prayer in front of a witness as suggested by the program.. And when I did I FELT INCREDIBLE. It was a sense of happiness with myself that I could finally ask for non-selfish motive in all actions in my life. I know that I cannot perfectly uphold such a model task, but I ask for my higher powers help to do my best. My best I WILL DO so long as I continue to follow the path of Spirituality & live in the Light rather than the selfish darkness my life consisted of for so long. My will had gotten me into the hell I lived, it caused the breeding and growth of that downward spiral. It surely is time to have some one else's will be done than mine, its the formula for success. What would my higher power have of me? To move ahead thats for sure.

After the moving experience which I prayed on my knees, my sponsor & I continued to work in the book. Moving through a section of material describing the fourth step and what is required to take it. Over the course of the next few days I am to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I will put pen to paper, actually I have already begun, and list both good & bad things that come together to form my current self. I will also list resentments or feelings that I have not dealt with or cannot leg go of in my conscious, why I have them, and what the basis of their haunting me has to do with.. such as fear, self, jealousy, etc. This is a task most people are unwilling to take in their lives even if they are told/figure out that its something worthwile to do. Why? Because they feel they have to do this alone and fix their defects of character by themsevles.

I am so grateful that the 12 step program I belong to has so many that remind me I am not alone & that the task is a "We" task. We are never alone if we chose not to be and should any of us decide to take this step there are many willing to help. I hope as I cross this stage of my Sobriety that I am able to sort out and release much of the pain from my past 14 years of addiction/alcoholism. To be a better person for the world around me is my goal.. And that includes even you who are reading this blog tonight. With that I want to say, Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy