Failing Friends - Recovery Through Discovery

Feb 03. Hey guys happy 'hump' day. With yesterday being groundhog's day here in the U.S. it reminded me of where I was at last winter. I remember dreading work starting back up but anticipating the paychecks so that I could better maintain my addiction. I also remember a certain person I was 'running' with and alot of things that happened between us.

I can clearly remember around this time of the year last year and how much of a hard time someone was giving me about my disease & what it had progressed to. I wasn't scared to shoot myself up in front of this person, mainly because I had enough dirt on him to bury him if he made my situation more difficult than it was. He didn't like the effects the dope had on him, from making him vomit for hours to the feeling he got from it. Funny how the same symptoms to me were an indication that I had a potent and "good dose". I remember him watching me a little too curiously one day & I asked him why. He had said he was interested in trying it. Like a true hipocrit I blew up at him saying "You don't want to do this, you wanna fucking end up like me?? I am gonna die or grow old with this now. Get the idea out of your head."

It wasn't long before he got someone else to try it, the insanity of our disease says if we do something the same but different we will get completely different results. Of course the potency by injecting IV is ten fold & he got sicker than any other dose he had sniffed before. It was enough to make him not want it anymore, in fact he took my words from before and started to try to harass me about my using. It was too late for reason, dope had its grip on me for over a year prior. I couldn't take advice from him anyway, he still smoked pot on occasion & I had already adopted the theory without entering the program that "substances were susbstances". The statements of me being out of control, having a one track mind for dope, and about me going to die kept coming out of his mouth.. and WERE ALL TRUE.

As we know it was several more months before I hit a bottom so low that I almost did not survive. When I had finally told him I was going to try to go to rehab he was happy for me, but sad that he would have to go a month without the one person he called a friend. It turned out that I couldn't get funded for a rehab anyway, and another month had passed before the bottom blew out of my barrel of life. All of a sudden at that point when I turned to my higher power for help & really was willing to try all routes things changed & a rehab bed opened up for me to go. As I was walking away from the things that nearly ended me, my friend left behind walked closer to them in my absence.

Just like when I wasn't there to step in on his first IV use, that he hated mind you, I wasn't there to step in and keep his old habbits from flaring up. By the time I walked out of Rehab and tried to find out what he was doing, he was a mess. After a few stumbles I managed to get the hang of what I needed to do to stay sober & started to see a great deal of the promises associated with change. When I finally caught up to him, it was me looking at him in dismay. He didn't have to use in front of me like I did in front of him, I could just see he was not well. I had thought if I could get him to go to meetings with me maybe it would help him find what I did, that there is a way out. Like with me it just got worse though and he fell deeper into denial. With my own sobriety on the line & the education of the program I found that I had to make severences at this point.

Our friendship dwindled from years of looking out for eachother to weeks of ignoring eachother. He ignored me because he was wrapped up in using & the people places & things that come with it. I ignored him because of the danger & exposure should I not. What I learned from all this is that people change, we can hope for the better, but sometimes for the worse. Without a plan, a program, a guide of some sort we can only grow in the realm of what we know. My offer to him to show him a new realm of existance was refused & ran from. I cannot save a person who does not want change. That was a hard concept to swallow but remains so true. He is still out there, growing worse in addiction while I grow Spiritually stronger. It hurts to know that I cannot stay by his side and encourage him towards the solution I have found. I guess its the balance of the world, and the power of alcoholism/addiction, that no matter who is getting well others get sicker. I can only live the example today so that should another person want change, they know who to ask and that it IS real. A life beyond your wildest dreams can be obtained WITHOUT the use of a drink or drug EVER AGAIN. If your out there reading this old friend, I love you and miss you. My higher power wants me to express that and for me to know that no matter the hurt I feel, if I give it up to my higher power, it will take it away. Progress, Not Perfection.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy