Jan 30. Hey guys & girls. Its the weekend officially & that means while alot of people are taking it easy I am working hard at my business. I spent the whole day from 7:30AM to 4PM at the shop in the market & it suprisingly did not drag on for the little amount of sleep I had gotten. There was no business, at least not in the jewelry world. I made one sale which covered lunch & rent, but thats fine by me. Like continuous sobriety, continuous presence at the market will eventually pay off I am sure of it. I got so much progress done due to the slow day that I actually priced each piece of jewelry individually before the close of business. That really helps in case I am busy with something, a customer can know see what they need to know without having to ask. If only that were true with sobriety though.
Unlike other things that have instructions, prices, or definitive time.. Sobriety was one of those life things that could not just be spelled out in black & white. Most alcoholics & addicts have been existing a certain way for so long that we can't do it right without someone showing us, and that someone has to be in recovery themselves or we won't be able to relate or listen to what vital knowledge they have. Another thing about the cunning, baffling, & powerful Disease is that it does not Discriminate. Unlike the way I was brought up in chosing 'friends', alcoholism & addiction does not pick and chose from a specific pool or 'classification' of people. Being a disease of spirit, mind, & body it has the ability to affect anyone that is breathing & with ability. In years past people tried to attempt to say that poverty stricken people were more likely to be alcoholic or addicts. That was proven to be false, wealthy people just had the money to keep their Disease a secret. They tried to say people living in cities were more likely to become addicts than people in rural communities. When organic drugs were discovered & a good recipie for wine or apple jack was passed on, the country folk got their drink & smoke on just as often as those who did not.
Some said that those of strong faith in a religion of moral & consequencial duties to abstain would keep people from falling victim to the disease, little did they know that other addictions than substances could lead right to them. Alcoholism is passed on from generation to generation scientists believe, but even in families without a history of it somehow it pops up. Truth is that NO stereotype, classification, ethnicity, belief system, or hereditary inheritence can say wether or not the disease will occur in a person's lifetime. Only by abstenence could a person gaurantee that they would not develop the physical phenominon of the disease, but the mental or spiritual defects that compose an alcoholic or addict can even exist in those persons. IT DOES NOT DESCRIMINATE. I was raised of a moral religion, by two loving & unseperated parents, with two older siblings not afflicted with the disease or at least not to a detectable level, and had a great childhood filled with activity & involvement. My exposure to drugs was due to my own curiosity & I was NEVER peer pressured into alcohol or drugs at any time in my life. I was an always have been a sort of leader in my friend groups & an independant when surrounded by beliefs that did not match my own. I never felt I had to fit in, I lived in the country where less drugs were in circulation.
With all of this going for me, HOW did I end up with the Disease of Alcoholism/Addiction? The answer is irrelivant and probably only known by my higher power. I do know this though, the solution today was not an easy one to find or any easy transition. I have had countless people tell me that they could not believe I am alcoholic. I've heard the "No not Jimmy" comment a thousand times. Before the solution, I had no answer to the questions of why I had to keep my addiction going or why I could not just stop. Today I know that untreated my disease will continue to grow, not just exist. That includes even if I do not feed it substances for a while & do not work a spiritual program such as the 12 steps. The same way that the phenominon occurs by the disease developing in all walks of life, the solution can relieve a sick & suffering alcoholic/addict without a know "reason" for it happening. I know why it works for me, but that is just for me.
Some people credit it to the change, support, & spiritual tools that enter a persons life that they didn't have before. That is surely part of it for me, but there is more. I COULD NOT STOP, yet today I have. Not on my own, but by my higher power & a program that works on me.. the alcoholic. So when you wonder why a person close to you is destroying themselves, their opportunity, their spirituality, & their life.. don't wonder, just know. KNOW IT DOES NOT DESCRIMINATE & it is not a choice. I lost the power of choice to use substances at age 15, three years after my voluntary experimentation with chemicals began. From that point on, until I found the solution to a real medically cerified DISEASE that crept into my life unvoluntarily I had no power of choice over using or drinking. It is only through spiritual growth, change & a higher power I believe in called God, that today I have to battle against this undiscriminatory, cunning, baffling, & powerful Disease that almost took my life & hearts of those close to me. Thank you to all who selflessly carried the message that there is a solution, who showed me the way, and all who loved & helped me along the way. Your ability to not descriminate against me for being sick was stronger than the diseases choice to pick me without discrimination itself. "We all discriminate somehow, cats over dogs, ford over chevy, a higher power over none. Can we picture the power behind something that doesn't discriminate? If we can, then we can see the power behind the disease & how much of a miracle it is to overcome. Are we willing to be beings of power and learn not to discriminate so much in our own lives?" Thanks for blogging in. You are still and always my inspiration to carry my hope, strength, and experience to others who will listen. May we grow together.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Momma's Boy - Emotional Reminders
Jan 29. Hey friends of sobriety! Thanks for giving this blog a chance once again and reading in. Today started out as an abnormal friday and boy it ended that way too. Despite the differences & a few concerns, it all worked out well in the end though. My normal friday routine is to have a fairly easy day, no commitments until late evening. The past month I have used spare time on fridays to work on my business ideas. I didn't sleep well the night before so this friday was already starting off on a long note. I rested into the late morning, usually my reading time or a project I have taken on, and nothing got done of course while my eyelids were closed.
I woke up to get ready for an off schedule doctor's appointment around 1:30. My father goes with me and to be honest, I like it that way. Its a rather far trip so we usually meet at least a half hour before if not sooner, we cut it down to the wire today & I had just enough time for a coffee before my appointment began. The doctor's was a great experience, I showed him the 'mission statement' from the new support group that a retired addiction counselor & I had started. It's the basic text we read at the beginning of each meeting, to describe who we are, why we meet, and what we do. The doctor happens to be an addiction specialist himself and he loved the thought that we created a group that accepts & helps people in recovery that rely on medication assistance to maintain their sobriety. We made the group because the other 12 step groups either look down upon, or ask that you not mention your situation at their meetings for the most part. So if you had a problem with your medication or even your doctor, who would you tell and how could you get into a solution if your asked not to mention it. Further if your looked down on for it, then shame that is not deserved starts to build and as a result people can get depressed and spiritually ill or possibly relapse.
The doctor liked the 'one page' message that we call our mission statement for the MARS group. He actually liked it so much he wanted me to explain it to a group he had going on a half hour later & so I did. After leaving phone numbers to contact myself or other group members & giving directions, he suggested why don't I leave a copy of the reading and write my phone number & location of the meeting on it. A professional addiction doctor who went through countless years of college and has countless paitents was interested in my cause enough to show it to his other patient's. Further he said if people had questions or wanted to know more he would like me to come back to his office and address organized group sessions that he has with the message. I don't make 100k+ a year, I never went to college, and I am not a spiritual leader by any means. But for some reason this doctor who helped me get sober thinks I have compiled the goods & have a contribution to help KEEP his patients sober after he GETS them sober.
Feeling not important but more like a useful tool in the box, I walked out of his office and into the car to ride home with my dad. We enjoyed some talk about it and a ton of other stuff while seeing the great view on the long ride. We got home did a few things, then I went to my friend's a mile away to see how his spiritual health was today. I don't check up on people for no reason, he is a good friend and had a terrible battle with this girlfriend to the point veins were popping from his neck the day before. With that in mind I went, he said he was fine and felt alot better because of the talk we had that day. Resting asured I went back home to wait for mom to get there so we could take part in our usual friday night feast out in town somewhere. When mom got home she was sick as a dog, she had caught a bug and was coughing so hard. She worked all day like that, exhausting herself like the warrior mom she has always been. My dad was very concerned and she was not well enough so we called off dinner. It really helped me to realize that its not always about me, sometimes others are sick or unwell in their own ways and need help. My moment of glory from the doctors office was over for the time being, mom needed rest & dad's help.
I substituded my usual night out for dinner with my sister, finding out later that my dad had to make an emergency run to the pharmacy to get my mom medicine. I am like my father in so many ways and a huge one is that we both love that woman with all our hearts & we both get nervous near the unkown. My sister assured me that nothing other than her catching ill was amiss so I went on with my night to see friends from recovery like every other friday. I wanted so badly to share my achievement of promoting the new group, but my biggest fan.. aka mom didn't need my bragging, if I stay sober today then there is always tomorrow. I held my tounge when I called her, just making sure she is okay, telling her how much I love her & how much I am gonna miss her hugs n kisses til the germs go away. Just something as little as a flu bug can bring me to worry for my mom, I can't entertain the thought of ever living without her. I know that I thank my higher power for the miracle of sobriety in my life with enough time to actually get to know her better than I did as the lost little boy who fell down. I know that one day I am going to have to stay sober without her help, possibly so I am strong to help her when she is in need. One day I will have to be like my father & care for a wife in sickness & in health. To provide & teach children the best way I know how to live & only hope they listen, unlike myself in the past.
As I get to know them better, and all our years grow in number I know this one thing is for sure. They do not know how much I appreciate them keeping eachother intact because without them in my life when I needed them the most I would not be alive right now to write this blog. With human & character defects like pride for my achievements, selfishness for gains, envy of others, and whatever thousands others can be listed.. there is only one human defect that matters the most with my mom and dad. In all the complex ways I have eluded the words I should say it simply. I LOVE THEM... Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
I woke up to get ready for an off schedule doctor's appointment around 1:30. My father goes with me and to be honest, I like it that way. Its a rather far trip so we usually meet at least a half hour before if not sooner, we cut it down to the wire today & I had just enough time for a coffee before my appointment began. The doctor's was a great experience, I showed him the 'mission statement' from the new support group that a retired addiction counselor & I had started. It's the basic text we read at the beginning of each meeting, to describe who we are, why we meet, and what we do. The doctor happens to be an addiction specialist himself and he loved the thought that we created a group that accepts & helps people in recovery that rely on medication assistance to maintain their sobriety. We made the group because the other 12 step groups either look down upon, or ask that you not mention your situation at their meetings for the most part. So if you had a problem with your medication or even your doctor, who would you tell and how could you get into a solution if your asked not to mention it. Further if your looked down on for it, then shame that is not deserved starts to build and as a result people can get depressed and spiritually ill or possibly relapse.
The doctor liked the 'one page' message that we call our mission statement for the MARS group. He actually liked it so much he wanted me to explain it to a group he had going on a half hour later & so I did. After leaving phone numbers to contact myself or other group members & giving directions, he suggested why don't I leave a copy of the reading and write my phone number & location of the meeting on it. A professional addiction doctor who went through countless years of college and has countless paitents was interested in my cause enough to show it to his other patient's. Further he said if people had questions or wanted to know more he would like me to come back to his office and address organized group sessions that he has with the message. I don't make 100k+ a year, I never went to college, and I am not a spiritual leader by any means. But for some reason this doctor who helped me get sober thinks I have compiled the goods & have a contribution to help KEEP his patients sober after he GETS them sober.
Feeling not important but more like a useful tool in the box, I walked out of his office and into the car to ride home with my dad. We enjoyed some talk about it and a ton of other stuff while seeing the great view on the long ride. We got home did a few things, then I went to my friend's a mile away to see how his spiritual health was today. I don't check up on people for no reason, he is a good friend and had a terrible battle with this girlfriend to the point veins were popping from his neck the day before. With that in mind I went, he said he was fine and felt alot better because of the talk we had that day. Resting asured I went back home to wait for mom to get there so we could take part in our usual friday night feast out in town somewhere. When mom got home she was sick as a dog, she had caught a bug and was coughing so hard. She worked all day like that, exhausting herself like the warrior mom she has always been. My dad was very concerned and she was not well enough so we called off dinner. It really helped me to realize that its not always about me, sometimes others are sick or unwell in their own ways and need help. My moment of glory from the doctors office was over for the time being, mom needed rest & dad's help.
I substituded my usual night out for dinner with my sister, finding out later that my dad had to make an emergency run to the pharmacy to get my mom medicine. I am like my father in so many ways and a huge one is that we both love that woman with all our hearts & we both get nervous near the unkown. My sister assured me that nothing other than her catching ill was amiss so I went on with my night to see friends from recovery like every other friday. I wanted so badly to share my achievement of promoting the new group, but my biggest fan.. aka mom didn't need my bragging, if I stay sober today then there is always tomorrow. I held my tounge when I called her, just making sure she is okay, telling her how much I love her & how much I am gonna miss her hugs n kisses til the germs go away. Just something as little as a flu bug can bring me to worry for my mom, I can't entertain the thought of ever living without her. I know that I thank my higher power for the miracle of sobriety in my life with enough time to actually get to know her better than I did as the lost little boy who fell down. I know that one day I am going to have to stay sober without her help, possibly so I am strong to help her when she is in need. One day I will have to be like my father & care for a wife in sickness & in health. To provide & teach children the best way I know how to live & only hope they listen, unlike myself in the past.
As I get to know them better, and all our years grow in number I know this one thing is for sure. They do not know how much I appreciate them keeping eachother intact because without them in my life when I needed them the most I would not be alive right now to write this blog. With human & character defects like pride for my achievements, selfishness for gains, envy of others, and whatever thousands others can be listed.. there is only one human defect that matters the most with my mom and dad. In all the complex ways I have eluded the words I should say it simply. I LOVE THEM... Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Thursday, January 28, 2010
He Says, She Says - Who Is Right When Everyone Is Wrong?
Jan 28. Thanks to all who have blogged in this week to read up on my struggles & successes in Sobriety. I had an interesting & full day of various tasks & meetings. I guess I'll go over a quick rundown from this morning then quickly get into the topic for the night.
I woke up fairly early to my friend calling to say it was his day off work. The snow crippled his original plans to do some outside work so he asked what I was up to. I had plans to change the oil in my car because alot like me without matainence its bound to blow up sooner or later. He got ready to come over & help while I made my coffee. When he arrived we spent some time talking & he checked out some of the new jewelry I accumulated for the weekend market. Finally down to business we changed the oil in the garage & he went on his way. Later I met back up with him to get his kids because they were dismissed early from school & wanted to come visit him.
I got home and settled with enough time to eat a late lunch, change clothes, and head out to my individual counseling session. I have to say that the more open minded, optimistic, and spiritual I get, my counselor seemed less of each of these lately. She is not an addict and does not work a 12 step program, but all in all she never displayed these qualities before. My curiosity led to thinking perhaps I am growing or having a good spiritual day and she evidently was not. In any case I did all the work today to bridge the gap between us and have to say that it went well because neither one of us left dissapointed in the end with the visit & she did help me figure out a scheduling solution for my overly busy thursdays.
I had an hour break between the individual session & my group so I got a fresh coffee and returned some messages to friends. During my next group there were some new faces curious for information about medically assisted recovery & about the actual disease of addiction/alcoholism. It felt good to have a few of the answers & be able to relay them in a manner that they could understand. It was also nice to familiarize myself with some of the other members of the focus group because this was not a 12 step meeting and many of the people were often a mystery as they come and go. After the meeting a friend called just as I hit my car, almost like they knew that was the exact free moment I had to talk.
It was a young woman who I know from an aftercare group & the 12 steps rooms. She still lived at home with her mother and is not yet a legal adult. Catching all kinds of hell from her mother, who is also in recovery, she needed the one guy she is allowed to talk to without getting a microscopic examination. Its only because her mother and I have become good friends through the 12 step rooms that I am trusted in this position. She was going on how she feels she is right in her current fight & plight with her mother. Her mother being 7 years sober, she only being 6 months. It is very difficult for a family member to convince another in Sobriety that they are doing good things outside their eyes when for years they are used to the opposite. Its even harder for a young person to feel or know they are right about something and have a brick wall to go up against. My suggestion was simple, and something I had to learn not so easily to apply to my own life even though I don't have alcoholic/addict parents.
I told her to focus on herself for a while and to not operate outside her mother's concerns for a while. To bury herself into her program as best she can & to actually begin taking the 12 steps. She had not yet begun the footwork or step work to developing spiritual fitness and this was obviously her mother's concern that she cannot see herself. What parent would want their addict child to be out there unsupervised, under-age, and under spiritual fit levels. My hope is that it will sink in and that she will consider accomplishing what is necessary to actually be safe on her own two feet, because even I am vulnerable without a phone & a friend with the answers to call. I could only imagine what a parent can go through, let alone a parent in recovery who has fought that battle themselves. I pray that she finds her way through the 12 steps and follows the lead of the winners of the program. Not many people ask my opinion on what to do to stay sober or to survive coexisting with people other than ourselves, maybe thats because of only having a little bit of experience myself. I do know that sharing the solution with others helps me to remember what I must do myself. That is why I keep this blog, work my program to the best of my ability, and keep a hand out to the still sick & suffering. Sometimes the sick & suffering have even put the chemicals down, but have not put the peices back together. If we only try, there can be peace. "Have we been that friend that others have turned to for the solution? When we offered it did they listen? How often do we tell friends to solve a problem a certain way, that is difficult for ourselves to remember to do in our own lives? Thanks for joining to read in tonight. Your comments are welcome whatever they may be. Anytime is a good time to start living for Spiritual gain, which starts by us giving simple time to something other than ourselves. Til next time.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
I woke up fairly early to my friend calling to say it was his day off work. The snow crippled his original plans to do some outside work so he asked what I was up to. I had plans to change the oil in my car because alot like me without matainence its bound to blow up sooner or later. He got ready to come over & help while I made my coffee. When he arrived we spent some time talking & he checked out some of the new jewelry I accumulated for the weekend market. Finally down to business we changed the oil in the garage & he went on his way. Later I met back up with him to get his kids because they were dismissed early from school & wanted to come visit him.
I got home and settled with enough time to eat a late lunch, change clothes, and head out to my individual counseling session. I have to say that the more open minded, optimistic, and spiritual I get, my counselor seemed less of each of these lately. She is not an addict and does not work a 12 step program, but all in all she never displayed these qualities before. My curiosity led to thinking perhaps I am growing or having a good spiritual day and she evidently was not. In any case I did all the work today to bridge the gap between us and have to say that it went well because neither one of us left dissapointed in the end with the visit & she did help me figure out a scheduling solution for my overly busy thursdays.
I had an hour break between the individual session & my group so I got a fresh coffee and returned some messages to friends. During my next group there were some new faces curious for information about medically assisted recovery & about the actual disease of addiction/alcoholism. It felt good to have a few of the answers & be able to relay them in a manner that they could understand. It was also nice to familiarize myself with some of the other members of the focus group because this was not a 12 step meeting and many of the people were often a mystery as they come and go. After the meeting a friend called just as I hit my car, almost like they knew that was the exact free moment I had to talk.
It was a young woman who I know from an aftercare group & the 12 steps rooms. She still lived at home with her mother and is not yet a legal adult. Catching all kinds of hell from her mother, who is also in recovery, she needed the one guy she is allowed to talk to without getting a microscopic examination. Its only because her mother and I have become good friends through the 12 step rooms that I am trusted in this position. She was going on how she feels she is right in her current fight & plight with her mother. Her mother being 7 years sober, she only being 6 months. It is very difficult for a family member to convince another in Sobriety that they are doing good things outside their eyes when for years they are used to the opposite. Its even harder for a young person to feel or know they are right about something and have a brick wall to go up against. My suggestion was simple, and something I had to learn not so easily to apply to my own life even though I don't have alcoholic/addict parents.
I told her to focus on herself for a while and to not operate outside her mother's concerns for a while. To bury herself into her program as best she can & to actually begin taking the 12 steps. She had not yet begun the footwork or step work to developing spiritual fitness and this was obviously her mother's concern that she cannot see herself. What parent would want their addict child to be out there unsupervised, under-age, and under spiritual fit levels. My hope is that it will sink in and that she will consider accomplishing what is necessary to actually be safe on her own two feet, because even I am vulnerable without a phone & a friend with the answers to call. I could only imagine what a parent can go through, let alone a parent in recovery who has fought that battle themselves. I pray that she finds her way through the 12 steps and follows the lead of the winners of the program. Not many people ask my opinion on what to do to stay sober or to survive coexisting with people other than ourselves, maybe thats because of only having a little bit of experience myself. I do know that sharing the solution with others helps me to remember what I must do myself. That is why I keep this blog, work my program to the best of my ability, and keep a hand out to the still sick & suffering. Sometimes the sick & suffering have even put the chemicals down, but have not put the peices back together. If we only try, there can be peace. "Have we been that friend that others have turned to for the solution? When we offered it did they listen? How often do we tell friends to solve a problem a certain way, that is difficult for ourselves to remember to do in our own lives? Thanks for joining to read in tonight. Your comments are welcome whatever they may be. Anytime is a good time to start living for Spiritual gain, which starts by us giving simple time to something other than ourselves. Til next time.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Needle & The Damage Done - Not Just A Neil Young Hit
Jan 27. Welcome back friends & family of Sobriety. Today was a different kind of day & I am eager to share about its different events that played out. The morning started off with my parents getting ready for work. Thats no different than any other day except the fact that they were celebrating 37 years of unity & dedication in their lives. I hope that when I reach their age I will be celebrating as well, but if not a union of love, then at least a dedication to Sobriety & Spiritual Living. I've seen the needle & the damage done, a little part of it in everyone, but this junkie does NOT have to be like a setting sun. And with the rise of the sun they were off to work, dedicated to running a household like any other day of the year. That inspiration is something I cannot easily forget, so many times I selfishly took time off work for lesser achievements such as 'getting high' on my birthday.
Shortly after my dad left the door my sister arrived to dry some clothes because her old one finally died & her new one was not coming until the evening. She happened to bring one thing that is still innocent in my life today, my young nephew. He was curious & energetic as always & a sweet sight for sore eyes. As tired as I was somehow he sat still long enough for me to summon the energy to color in a book together. I remember when those simple pleasures were all it took to make my life complete, and someone to do them with made it all the more better. It was long before the onset of addiction & the development of character defects as well as spiritual destruction. Ahh to be young again, but actually I am. The more I grow Spiritually the more I find myself feeling that child-like bliss. I hope that any of you reading this that may have lost touch with such pleasures like I did DO believe me when I say that they can be regained. Its the honesty & willingness that spirituality thrives off of. That and the desire to do for & with another. Children are experts at such selflessness & are naturally honest & willing until dishonesty is later developed as a reaction to punishment. After some goofing around and a few broken chats with my sister I took a nap.
I slept so hard that I missed my other sister coming to pick up my nephew. At first I was a little down, but had to realize that I must have needed the sleep & it was whats meant to be evidently. A short time later my mom arrived home from work & I set off to get cleaned up for my night of activities, starting with dinner that she made me. I went to pick up a friend who is almost Sober the same amount of day as me, however much younger & honestly has never "seen the needle & the damage done". I remember feeling thankful for her bottom never having to hit as low as mine, and being envious of how much less work she would have to do on herself in the long run for spiritual balance. We got to the meeting & there was a holdup because church members were having a meeting that ran late in our designated meeting room. A fellow we are all too familiar with showed up.
He had a rough life from what he shares, rougher than mine even for he spent over 14 years in jail, whereas I walked freely in step but a prisoner to my addiction for 14 years. Maybe we really had it as equally hard, only my higher power could measure such weights in the heart of another man, but I know this.. He was in sad shape tonight. He could not speak, his eyes distant & bloodshot, and he nearly fell with every step. He said he had a surgery tomorrow & that the doctors gave him a pill to calm him down. To be honest from my years of experience & knowledge of what doctors give for what, he was on no such thing. I saw myself quite some time ago when I looked at him tonight. He repeatidly nodded out of consciousness, eyes in the back of his head and arms limp. He had no awareness furhter than the person sitting next to him when he was conscious. It got so bad that he spilled his coffee during a lapse all over himself, table, & floor. He stumbled to the kitchen floor and nodded off, leaving everything to others to take care of, sticking to his dishonest call that one anxiety pill was all that was making him a 'little off' tonight. I HAVE seen the needle & the damage done. I have lived it. I have heard it too.. Its not just a Neil Young Hit from a few decades ago.. its a harsh reality that destroyed my life, my spirituality, & my will to endure for many a day in my adult life.
Knowing what it took for me to finally seek the light of the spirit & the life of sobriety I could only lend words of advice to the friend I brought that was so horrified like so many others were who never saw a person on dope. "We can clean up his messes, we can listen to his stories, but we cannot change his heart & until he or his higher power accomplishes that nothing can be done but to let him sit in his own shit. Do you want to wipe his ass or save your own? That is what you need to remember." I would never had been so tough with my words, but its what applied to me & its what they needed to hear because they were beggining to stress over having cleaned up his mess & 'what to do next'. If your not spiritually fit enough to help another yet, then just being in the program to help yourself and filling an empty chair is enough help for us all. The sick reminder of my own repulsive lifestyle in the past tonight has reminded me of one thing.. if I ever use one time again, I could spend eternity like that forever. "I've seen the needle & the damage done, a little part of it in everyone, but every junkie's like a setting sun." With the light of the spirit I hope the Sun never sets on me & with your continued support I stay confident it never will. "Have we seen situations play out that are all too familiar? Knowing we cannot help, have we tried to help the others who have not seen what someone else is experiencing? Can we summon those old tapes of our mistakes & remember to play them past the fun and through to the tragedy, or do we stop at the fun and tempt ourselves to dive back into disaster?" Thanks for blogging in. Until next time.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Shortly after my dad left the door my sister arrived to dry some clothes because her old one finally died & her new one was not coming until the evening. She happened to bring one thing that is still innocent in my life today, my young nephew. He was curious & energetic as always & a sweet sight for sore eyes. As tired as I was somehow he sat still long enough for me to summon the energy to color in a book together. I remember when those simple pleasures were all it took to make my life complete, and someone to do them with made it all the more better. It was long before the onset of addiction & the development of character defects as well as spiritual destruction. Ahh to be young again, but actually I am. The more I grow Spiritually the more I find myself feeling that child-like bliss. I hope that any of you reading this that may have lost touch with such pleasures like I did DO believe me when I say that they can be regained. Its the honesty & willingness that spirituality thrives off of. That and the desire to do for & with another. Children are experts at such selflessness & are naturally honest & willing until dishonesty is later developed as a reaction to punishment. After some goofing around and a few broken chats with my sister I took a nap.
I slept so hard that I missed my other sister coming to pick up my nephew. At first I was a little down, but had to realize that I must have needed the sleep & it was whats meant to be evidently. A short time later my mom arrived home from work & I set off to get cleaned up for my night of activities, starting with dinner that she made me. I went to pick up a friend who is almost Sober the same amount of day as me, however much younger & honestly has never "seen the needle & the damage done". I remember feeling thankful for her bottom never having to hit as low as mine, and being envious of how much less work she would have to do on herself in the long run for spiritual balance. We got to the meeting & there was a holdup because church members were having a meeting that ran late in our designated meeting room. A fellow we are all too familiar with showed up.
He had a rough life from what he shares, rougher than mine even for he spent over 14 years in jail, whereas I walked freely in step but a prisoner to my addiction for 14 years. Maybe we really had it as equally hard, only my higher power could measure such weights in the heart of another man, but I know this.. He was in sad shape tonight. He could not speak, his eyes distant & bloodshot, and he nearly fell with every step. He said he had a surgery tomorrow & that the doctors gave him a pill to calm him down. To be honest from my years of experience & knowledge of what doctors give for what, he was on no such thing. I saw myself quite some time ago when I looked at him tonight. He repeatidly nodded out of consciousness, eyes in the back of his head and arms limp. He had no awareness furhter than the person sitting next to him when he was conscious. It got so bad that he spilled his coffee during a lapse all over himself, table, & floor. He stumbled to the kitchen floor and nodded off, leaving everything to others to take care of, sticking to his dishonest call that one anxiety pill was all that was making him a 'little off' tonight. I HAVE seen the needle & the damage done. I have lived it. I have heard it too.. Its not just a Neil Young Hit from a few decades ago.. its a harsh reality that destroyed my life, my spirituality, & my will to endure for many a day in my adult life.
Knowing what it took for me to finally seek the light of the spirit & the life of sobriety I could only lend words of advice to the friend I brought that was so horrified like so many others were who never saw a person on dope. "We can clean up his messes, we can listen to his stories, but we cannot change his heart & until he or his higher power accomplishes that nothing can be done but to let him sit in his own shit. Do you want to wipe his ass or save your own? That is what you need to remember." I would never had been so tough with my words, but its what applied to me & its what they needed to hear because they were beggining to stress over having cleaned up his mess & 'what to do next'. If your not spiritually fit enough to help another yet, then just being in the program to help yourself and filling an empty chair is enough help for us all. The sick reminder of my own repulsive lifestyle in the past tonight has reminded me of one thing.. if I ever use one time again, I could spend eternity like that forever. "I've seen the needle & the damage done, a little part of it in everyone, but every junkie's like a setting sun." With the light of the spirit I hope the Sun never sets on me & with your continued support I stay confident it never will. "Have we seen situations play out that are all too familiar? Knowing we cannot help, have we tried to help the others who have not seen what someone else is experiencing? Can we summon those old tapes of our mistakes & remember to play them past the fun and through to the tragedy, or do we stop at the fun and tempt ourselves to dive back into disaster?" Thanks for blogging in. Until next time.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
"Gratitude Is The Attitude"
Jan 26. Hello everyone. Today was a normal day for the most part, but filled with a certain feeling that is hard to describe. I started off to an early rise at 6AM to see my parents off to NYC for a doctor's appointment. I left shortly after to start my morning early & get a jump on my day so later I could relax & enjoy the afternoon.
When I got back home from my morning errands I couldn't help but feel blessed. Another day sober, quite the blessing after the 14 years of hell I endured with no visible solution. I have two great people in my life for a mother & father, the thought of them staying on top of their health gives me hope that there will be many more years of us experiencing eachother. Without Sobriety in my life today this time together would be spent apart instead. Even if I lived in the same house as them during active addiction I was so far gone in many ways that being in the same room as them I still felt alone. Today I am full of gratitude that I can feel their presence of love when I sit amongst them & even when they are as far away as NYC. We can actually communicate, share honest feelings, and I no longer have to live in secrecy or shame for being who I am, who I was, or who I intend to be.
The feeling was relaxing and being inspired I decided to upload pictures of my Sobriety Coins to my various online accounts, including this blog. I just felt like sharing them with others because like a trophy for sports, medals of war, and ribbons in contests, they show achievement & victory in my cause. Having shared them I felt that gratitude once again, for all the people that helped me get there. Different persons, meetings, and things have contributed to each of those milestones and will never be forgotten. Along with my higher power there is no material thing that I could wish for above the influences of Spiritual Progress.
I found myself losing that "Attitude of Gratitude" when I saw an advertisement from my cell phone provider. I had spent months researching phone compatibility & different options for getting what I wanted out of a phone without changing companies or paying more. It seemed I had to settle for only part of what I wanted instead of what I could actually use best because no phone was out yet to do what I needed. Wouldn't you know it, less than 30 days after Christmas the phone & service I wanted so badly is now available through my carrier. At first all I could feel was frustration & dissapointment that I now wanted something material more than the phone my parents got me for the holiday. Over something as simple as a selfish desire I had lost track of the gratitude I felt earlier in the day, THIS is how tricky the disease of alcoholism/addiction and spiritual depletion is. It gets us with the simple things, things that make us happy suddenly making us irritable or discontent. I decided I had enough & late into the afternoon had a little free time, so I took a nap to cool off about it.
When I woke up the phone was the farthest thing from my mind. There was a celebration meeting for 3 people in the program I work whom I happen to know pretty well. One is actually the older sister of a High School friend, so I felt not only driven but a social significance in going. Turns out the speakers there & the celebrants 'reception' speeches for their coins were just the thing I needed to hear. The gratitude from earlier in the day had not only returned, but had been added to. So in time with a few sacrifices I will get that phone, that is if I keep focus on how good things will come my way. That focus is on maintaining my Sobriety & growing spiritually. To keep working on the program & gain progress rather then get absorbed in material, selfish, or unworldly things. If I only maintain that "Attitude of Gratitude" surely things will come my way far beyond my desires, maybe into my dreams come true. I have faith that it works if I chose to work it. Help comes when I help myself. And hard work always pays off. "Has there been those moments that make us appreciate all that people & things do for us to make our lives great? Do we show gratitude often enough towards those people? When something takes that gratitude away, even if for only a moment, how or what has helped us get it back?" Thanks for reading friends. Your support as always is vital to my constant dedication to this project. If nothing else, in years to come I will have a wonderful Archive of growth & understanding to reflect on should dark minutes turn into hours of spritual need. Until next time... Good Night, Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
When I got back home from my morning errands I couldn't help but feel blessed. Another day sober, quite the blessing after the 14 years of hell I endured with no visible solution. I have two great people in my life for a mother & father, the thought of them staying on top of their health gives me hope that there will be many more years of us experiencing eachother. Without Sobriety in my life today this time together would be spent apart instead. Even if I lived in the same house as them during active addiction I was so far gone in many ways that being in the same room as them I still felt alone. Today I am full of gratitude that I can feel their presence of love when I sit amongst them & even when they are as far away as NYC. We can actually communicate, share honest feelings, and I no longer have to live in secrecy or shame for being who I am, who I was, or who I intend to be.
The feeling was relaxing and being inspired I decided to upload pictures of my Sobriety Coins to my various online accounts, including this blog. I just felt like sharing them with others because like a trophy for sports, medals of war, and ribbons in contests, they show achievement & victory in my cause. Having shared them I felt that gratitude once again, for all the people that helped me get there. Different persons, meetings, and things have contributed to each of those milestones and will never be forgotten. Along with my higher power there is no material thing that I could wish for above the influences of Spiritual Progress.
I found myself losing that "Attitude of Gratitude" when I saw an advertisement from my cell phone provider. I had spent months researching phone compatibility & different options for getting what I wanted out of a phone without changing companies or paying more. It seemed I had to settle for only part of what I wanted instead of what I could actually use best because no phone was out yet to do what I needed. Wouldn't you know it, less than 30 days after Christmas the phone & service I wanted so badly is now available through my carrier. At first all I could feel was frustration & dissapointment that I now wanted something material more than the phone my parents got me for the holiday. Over something as simple as a selfish desire I had lost track of the gratitude I felt earlier in the day, THIS is how tricky the disease of alcoholism/addiction and spiritual depletion is. It gets us with the simple things, things that make us happy suddenly making us irritable or discontent. I decided I had enough & late into the afternoon had a little free time, so I took a nap to cool off about it.
When I woke up the phone was the farthest thing from my mind. There was a celebration meeting for 3 people in the program I work whom I happen to know pretty well. One is actually the older sister of a High School friend, so I felt not only driven but a social significance in going. Turns out the speakers there & the celebrants 'reception' speeches for their coins were just the thing I needed to hear. The gratitude from earlier in the day had not only returned, but had been added to. So in time with a few sacrifices I will get that phone, that is if I keep focus on how good things will come my way. That focus is on maintaining my Sobriety & growing spiritually. To keep working on the program & gain progress rather then get absorbed in material, selfish, or unworldly things. If I only maintain that "Attitude of Gratitude" surely things will come my way far beyond my desires, maybe into my dreams come true. I have faith that it works if I chose to work it. Help comes when I help myself. And hard work always pays off. "Has there been those moments that make us appreciate all that people & things do for us to make our lives great? Do we show gratitude often enough towards those people? When something takes that gratitude away, even if for only a moment, how or what has helped us get it back?" Thanks for reading friends. Your support as always is vital to my constant dedication to this project. If nothing else, in years to come I will have a wonderful Archive of growth & understanding to reflect on should dark minutes turn into hours of spritual need. Until next time... Good Night, Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Jan 26. Hey Friends!! I had a little extra time today so I thought before I do the blog tonight that I would share some pictures of a few of my Sobriety & Recovery Coins. Each one has a special meaning to me or represents not only the length of my Sobriety but also the growth in my Spiritual Life. I just though some of you might want to see them for yourself. The Cross picture was just taken metaphorically to show a 'visible' accumulation of spiritual principles & works in my life.
The Expect Miracles Coin & its backside was picked out by me during my Detox phase at Clearbrook Rehabilitation Center. The physical, mental, and spiritual torment that I was enduring during those days made me reach out, hoping for some form of miracle to end the suffering or at least make breathing to stay alive more attractive. By that I mean the physical aspect of the withdrawl was a horrible experience that I went through many times, but this time in particular was by far multiples worse.
The Last Coin I shared here was my most recent, the Six Month Recovery Coin. My Sponsor had been motivated enough by my continuous Sobriety to even make an appearance for me accepting this. It was a fine moment in my heart & soul to recieve it because its recorded that most addicts & alcoholics never make it to this amount of time in recovery & those who do often require several tries. I truly am blessed to have made it this far, one day at a time. :)
I hope you enjoyed seeing these. Until tonight's blog topic.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
The Expect Miracles Coin & its backside was picked out by me during my Detox phase at Clearbrook Rehabilitation Center. The physical, mental, and spiritual torment that I was enduring during those days made me reach out, hoping for some form of miracle to end the suffering or at least make breathing to stay alive more attractive. By that I mean the physical aspect of the withdrawl was a horrible experience that I went through many times, but this time in particular was by far multiples worse.
The Last Coin I shared here was my most recent, the Six Month Recovery Coin. My Sponsor had been motivated enough by my continuous Sobriety to even make an appearance for me accepting this. It was a fine moment in my heart & soul to recieve it because its recorded that most addicts & alcoholics never make it to this amount of time in recovery & those who do often require several tries. I truly am blessed to have made it this far, one day at a time. :)
I hope you enjoyed seeing these. Until tonight's blog topic.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Monday, January 25, 2010
Small World - Big Possibilities
Jan 25. Hi all my wonderful friends. As usual I need to keep it green and thank you all for coming by to read. My gratitude can never be measured for the continued emails, IM's, comments & support. If there is ever something that you'd like to see me talk about here feel free to mention it. For today I would like to talk about some stuff that went suprisingly well during my travels tonight.
The great chain of events started when I called my cousin to see if he was going to come & support the new group a friend & I started. Its for people that are medically assisted & in recovery. He said he would come & not only was it a great meeting for me, but he expressed how much he liked the meeting & how comfortable he was with the way things are done. It felt good to know that something I had a part in starting was being appreciated by people. I knew that his opinion of everything was genuine because we have always been the type to keep things straight with eachother no matter what our situations are at the time. After the meeting ended & I dropped him off I headed out to my home group for a celebration of a fellow group member.
It just so happened I made it there before he was up to accept his coin & speak. He wrote a wonderful poem about sobriety & his struggles in it. I got to see many people from other meetings who made their way out to celebrate with him & 2 years was quite an achievement for this guy. I can only imagine the feeling of accomplishment that was in his mind & heart at that moment. After the meeting ended there was a guy who was stranded with no ride home. I knew immediately that there was a reason for me showing up now, no matter how late I was coming from the other meeting. It's always in my heart to show another alcoholic or addict the kindness that was shown to me when I walked through the doors of the 12 step meeting rooms. I volunteered to take the man home & talked highly of sober living as well as the direction the program has given my life today. After dropping him off I headed out to get gas & go find something to do for a while so I could grab a coffee somewhere.
I ended up at my usual spot to enjoy a coffee & kill time. I played a game for a little while and looked up noticing a beautiful girl that I had seen there once before. Something told me that I need to talk to this girl, so I made the attempt. Its funny how different it is talking to someone I find attractive today v.s. when I was in active addiction. I no longer have the shame, fear, discontent or any of the other things that used to hold me back. The conversation flowed natural, almost like we had been friends for a long time or something. I found it easy to be open & honest with her. My honesty ended up opening a door to a topic that we spent nearly an hour talking about. The topic was Sobriety with the help of medication for a few minutes then drove deeper into the topic of Spirituality. It seemed this stranger completely understood where I was at & how I put spirituality as the primary focus of my life these days. It turned out our past 6 months of our lives were nearly identical. Even more interesting the goals & desire to help others was expressed & from what I could tell was almost as driving in her heart as mine were.
I find it funny how "Small Of A World" it is. Its not really a small world at all. I actually believe that my higher power put this girl in my path. If not for just a friendly conversation to help convince me that my direction is good, then perhaps for more. Maybe I will end up making a lasting friendship with an inspired & beautiful girl in Sobriety. I think that should she chose to keep in touch it will be an opportunity to help another addict to stay sober. My higher power can only know the answers to what happens next for me in every aspect of my existance, but I certainly know this.. it always seems that exactly when its supposed to happen, someone or something enters my life these days to improve my sobriety or fullfill the promise that great things come with continuous efforts to live a spiritual & sober life. I can only think that good things come to those who do good things. Karma? Yin-Yang? Golden Rule? I don't know, but I will continue to do spiritual things & attract to spiritual people. I have not been let down yet. "Have we ever gotten the feeling that people or things are put in our lives just to help us through? Even if for an hour, a day, or the rest of our lives, Can we appreciate the chances we get to find reward in others? When was the last time that something has entered your path that you considered a blessing & what was it?" Thanks for your time readers & keep coming back. Without friends like you to share my adventures with I wouldn't be so refreshed each night before bed. Until next time.. Good Night. Good Morning.. . <3 Jimmy
The great chain of events started when I called my cousin to see if he was going to come & support the new group a friend & I started. Its for people that are medically assisted & in recovery. He said he would come & not only was it a great meeting for me, but he expressed how much he liked the meeting & how comfortable he was with the way things are done. It felt good to know that something I had a part in starting was being appreciated by people. I knew that his opinion of everything was genuine because we have always been the type to keep things straight with eachother no matter what our situations are at the time. After the meeting ended & I dropped him off I headed out to my home group for a celebration of a fellow group member.
It just so happened I made it there before he was up to accept his coin & speak. He wrote a wonderful poem about sobriety & his struggles in it. I got to see many people from other meetings who made their way out to celebrate with him & 2 years was quite an achievement for this guy. I can only imagine the feeling of accomplishment that was in his mind & heart at that moment. After the meeting ended there was a guy who was stranded with no ride home. I knew immediately that there was a reason for me showing up now, no matter how late I was coming from the other meeting. It's always in my heart to show another alcoholic or addict the kindness that was shown to me when I walked through the doors of the 12 step meeting rooms. I volunteered to take the man home & talked highly of sober living as well as the direction the program has given my life today. After dropping him off I headed out to get gas & go find something to do for a while so I could grab a coffee somewhere.
I ended up at my usual spot to enjoy a coffee & kill time. I played a game for a little while and looked up noticing a beautiful girl that I had seen there once before. Something told me that I need to talk to this girl, so I made the attempt. Its funny how different it is talking to someone I find attractive today v.s. when I was in active addiction. I no longer have the shame, fear, discontent or any of the other things that used to hold me back. The conversation flowed natural, almost like we had been friends for a long time or something. I found it easy to be open & honest with her. My honesty ended up opening a door to a topic that we spent nearly an hour talking about. The topic was Sobriety with the help of medication for a few minutes then drove deeper into the topic of Spirituality. It seemed this stranger completely understood where I was at & how I put spirituality as the primary focus of my life these days. It turned out our past 6 months of our lives were nearly identical. Even more interesting the goals & desire to help others was expressed & from what I could tell was almost as driving in her heart as mine were.
I find it funny how "Small Of A World" it is. Its not really a small world at all. I actually believe that my higher power put this girl in my path. If not for just a friendly conversation to help convince me that my direction is good, then perhaps for more. Maybe I will end up making a lasting friendship with an inspired & beautiful girl in Sobriety. I think that should she chose to keep in touch it will be an opportunity to help another addict to stay sober. My higher power can only know the answers to what happens next for me in every aspect of my existance, but I certainly know this.. it always seems that exactly when its supposed to happen, someone or something enters my life these days to improve my sobriety or fullfill the promise that great things come with continuous efforts to live a spiritual & sober life. I can only think that good things come to those who do good things. Karma? Yin-Yang? Golden Rule? I don't know, but I will continue to do spiritual things & attract to spiritual people. I have not been let down yet. "Have we ever gotten the feeling that people or things are put in our lives just to help us through? Even if for an hour, a day, or the rest of our lives, Can we appreciate the chances we get to find reward in others? When was the last time that something has entered your path that you considered a blessing & what was it?" Thanks for your time readers & keep coming back. Without friends like you to share my adventures with I wouldn't be so refreshed each night before bed. Until next time.. Good Night. Good Morning.. . <3 Jimmy
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