Friday, October 29, 2010

Self Will? - Turning It Over

October 29. Hello friends & my growing family. I felt inspired to write tonight, hoping that this inspiration lasts through the week & the oncoming winter months. I also hope that all of you have been well & spiritually nourished the past few days. I have had some things happen around me that have tested my ability to accept things the past week or so. I have struggled with seeing the difference between my will & that of my higher power, as selfishness & my disease go hand in hand. I am ever grateful for my sobriety, and it allowing me to have a clear enough mind to handle what comes my way today. Sometimes handling all of it is done through the help of others, sometimes through faith in my higher power & hope that all will work out for me as it has for others. Whatever the means, I am grateful for the 12 Steps, the fellowship, and all the tools passed on to me by so many already effectively using them in their lives. Spiritual growth & practices being something I have just kept going barely in my life, I am feeling a time more than ever to try to plug into more outlets & find more wellness that the world has to over. Staying connected to a power source of positivity & spiritual principles is a definite must as things continue to change & occur around me. Life doesn't stop so that I can just get well, some days this is more evident than others.

Tonight I would like to write about the topic of "Will", more clearly my "Higher Power's Will". It is when I take my will into my own hands that I often suffer the most. I am a mere human, with selfish & imperfect will. Often I wish great things to someone in the form of me being in their lives, how selfish a wish. I want things in business to go a certain way, again my will be done. I may never understand what my higher power has planned when things go a certain way, but I don't need to understand it. I need only not resist what is happening. In my life, relationships with others, business, and even my recovery. All of the thigns that happen as a result of my own selfish disease taking my will back will accordingly bring misery most of the time if not all of the time. It's when I become more & more able to let my will go, and let my higher power's will be done, that I will be more at peace with myself, and the universe around me. One of the coined sayings that goes around the fellowships involves a certain name for the higher power that we often resist.. I will repeat that name for the sake of passing on a good statement, not to create any arguments or sway anyone's beliefs. "Let Go & Let God." That one statement, so powerful & helpful in so many recovering alcoholics' lives. What it means to me is this, that I must let go of my selfish will and let go of my desire to be right or gain, and let my higher power's will be done. That letting go, allows us to hold onto our sobriety for one more moment, day, or event in our lives. This has been instrumental in my sobriety so many times, I have lost count.

When we are able to practice letting go of our self will, we get better at it, little by little. It may never be something we can perfect, I have not met anyone yet that has. But we can get better at it, in turn getting better in our sobriety & better spiritually. I had a few things go on since yesterday that made me wonder, why am I not getting my way, when my way feels so right? The answer is simple, the universe does not hinge on my will, it does so on that of my higher power. Our own lives are influenced by our selfish will, sometimes those around us are also affected as well, whats most important is though, that we do not hold onto things that don't go our way. We need to let go of these things, and let our higher power take care of what happens next. If we do the opposite & hold on, its only a matter of time before our self will can take us to a dark & dangerous place that lacks the spirituality we need to survive soberly. Today I do not have the desire to drink or use drugs, I can only pray that tomorrow will be the same. My chances are greater if I do not clutch self will in my hands until the life I love today is torn away from me. The great things I would love to see & experience in my life may not come in the forms I recognize them, and missing out on something or someone does not mean it will not one day come. It will come by practicing the will of my higher power through acceptance instead of selfishly fighting for my own every chance I see fit. Some battles will be lost at the negotiating table, some events won't go as I hoped or planned, but I can always turn it over & have one more day sober. That is something that is my will, and my higher power's will, and we can agree on that one thing today. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Monday, October 25, 2010

Repairing Relationships

October 25. Hey friends out there. The weekend officially ended about a half hour ago. I figured it would be a good time to write, especially because it's healthy for me to do it anyway. It was a pretty long week, but I can't complain. Alot got accomplished, countless things I may never recognize at that. Some of the best parts are worth listing for those who like to hear about my wins & losses. I got to help my grandmother, indirectly, by cleaning out her storage shed in the back of her house. Family had made it a disgusting mess & I volunteered to help, boy did my back pay the price as I am still sore today. I also got a call about a storefront I was researching, my mom found a new place opening up that was accepting businesses. That call came in during the big cleanout at Grams, I took a break & talked with the management there. We made a verbal deal that I would read over the documents & if I was in I would sign & send them with my first month's rent. After haggling a few perks I was looking for it turned out to be a deal of a lifetime, or one of the best in my lifetime so far, so I sent everything in the mail. In less than a month I should be finishing the final touches of my setup, I'll be praying for sure. Today I did the weekend run at Garden Market location & at least made some profit for being there the morning & afternoon. Afterwards I played some cards, came home, then went out with a friend. We did alot of talking sobriety & I can only hope he truly gets the big picture.

With some good things going my way & a few things that needed fixing or adjustments around me, I can only be grateful I have the life I have today & the people in it. Speaking of people in it, the conversation with my friend tonight spoke of relationships. I have so many different relationships of all kinds in my life. Friendships, family, parents, siblings, each having their own individual bearing on my life & weights in my heart. Each having their own conditions & boundries for existance also. What I want to talk about as a topic is "Repairing Relationships", which is exactly what I was working towards doing with my friend this night during our talk. In turn he is trying to repair relationships in his own life & asked me for advice. I can reflect back on my own life for some of the answers that might have been helpful to him & many others too. I have always loved my parents for example, but in my disease's full swing I was defiant, destructive, and inconsiderate. I stole emotions, property, and pride from them time & again. I used one excuse after another, truly because I was ignorant to the fact that I was different & so were they, none of us knew that I bore the marks on my soul of an alcoholic/addict. It was when the marks burned through to the surface & nothing was left but the bold & painful truth that we all became aware. What mattered the most I think today is that we became aware together, and we wanted to find a solution together. In other words we wanted a relationship together still despite my incurable disease.

With bad odds & alot of damages, nobody gave up on Repairing the Relationships we had & wanted to better though. Some things that probably should not have been done or said were done & said, mostly on my part but I never take all the blame or credit, I am not my Higher Power nor is any human being either. Even with the bad, the good was evident, as a solution for my alcoholism was found in the 12 Steps & the fellowships, my parents & I began to grow closer again. Trust was not there for some time, my eyes were stared over for fog, my actions questioned sometimes even, but my intention was no longer what it was & their hearts were tender so I understood. I can remember getting very sick & hints being thrown around that someone thought I was using drugs or drinking again, but to myself I was true & the truth prevailed. What I am getting to with these examples is that the damage to relationships is not mended in one day of sobriety, not ten, not a thousand. It is constantly being worked on, as life continues, so does the relationship & non-alcoholism related tears can be put into the fabric of a relationship. But also, non-recovery stiches can be sewn into it also. What I noticed is that the better person I become, the closer my parents & I grow. This has become true with all of the relationships in my life, those who chose to remain close to me grow even closer & those who keep their distance grow farther. But my heart loves as it always did, a heart is a heart sick or not. No matter the length of time, no matter if I am the one doing repairs or someone else I will do my best to remember that repairs take time. No matter if I am doing the damage or someone else is, I will equally try to remember that I was forgiven by so many when my Higher Power put the miracle of change in my life. All I do is be grateful for the experience I have had in growing closer to so many in my sobriety, I have been learning what a relationship is really all about. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Taking Inventory

October 23. Hello friends. Today was a unique day, old thinking & behaviors would call it a bad day but it wasn't. I spent the day helping my mom clean out my Grandmother's storage. It was a disgusting mess due to my cousin stacking stuff up in there lazily for months. I sometimes catch myself judging him unfairly, when I have my own faults & defects unattended. I learn more everyday not to take other's inventory, but instead to look at my own & where my part lies. In this instance the focus did not need to be on my cousin's slippage, but my own ability to be of service to my grandmother & clean her property up. We did a fantastic job, despite my at some times bad attitude, all ended well & the work got done. It took a few good hours of carrying things out & even hurting my back carrying some things too heavy for me. That is not to say "poor me" or seek apathy, but to show my pride would not allow me to ask for help, ego being driven by disgust. Afterwards mom & I went home to shower & scrub up, then went with dad for dinner & to get a phone fixed. Later I got dropped off at my homegroup & got a ride home from my sponsor. The topic was Living Life on Life's Terms.

From that topic I had a song stuck in my head, playing over and over. Its a song I think of in positive mindsets. I got really positive news today also about my business, that I will share when I know specifics in my course of action. For now I would like to talk about inventory though. Like a business, taking another store's inventory won't do my business any good. In the same light, taking another person's inventory will not help me or them. It will only leave my life uncounted for & myself sick spiritually. I have to take my own inventory when trying to grow spiritually, not others. Its because of this inward focus that the 12 Step programs are often called selfish. In the same paradox the program says we must help others in order to stay on top of our own inventory. It's this fine line that I was somehow able to walk today, despite the few times I fell off the spiritual beam.

Through constant practice, help from others, and learning from both ours & their mistakes we can get better at this inventory process of our lives. Its never complete as each day & situation changes, but my higher power & many other's promises more will be revealed in time. I hope one day we can all as a society & community learn to focus our inventories inward, starting with me. We can all achieve happiness & peace through these spiritual tools.. One day at a time. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Friday, October 15, 2010

A Trusted Friend - More Than A Sponsor

October 15. Happy Friday everybody, for most of you it will be saturday when you read this so happy Saturday too. :) I wanted to share about my day because some great things happened & I also got some news about something I have been stressing over. First off I had a great dinner w/ mom & dad tonight, we went somewhere we hadn't been in many years & I enjoyed the food from start to finish. I went to my meeting at my homegroup too & it was a great group with a great topic as usual. I also got news about my friend April's viewing, which will be in the morning & will last two hours. I am going with a mutual friend, glad to be able to support him because he is really torn over the loss as we all are. That was the sad, but relieving news of the day. After the meeting something I could not have predicted happened. A young man who I happen to be friends with for many years has been coming around to many of the meetings I go to. He shared tonight about having wanted to drink, minutes before the meeting he sat down the road contemplating going to the bar or finishing his route to the meeting. Through the grace of his higher power he somehow made the right choice because he came to the meeting & shared about the experience. After a great discussion going through the group the meeting adjourned & we went to have a cigarette. We talked about taking things to the next step, as in doing more than just going to meetings. I learned in my own journey that in order for the compulsion to use & drink to be lifted, I had to do more than just go to meetings. Getting a sponsor & homegroup, reading, participating in service work, and a ton of other factors contributed to me finally being released from that prison of alcoholic bondage. A few words later in our talk & he was asking me to be his temporary Sponsor. I could do nothing but smile & agree to it.

On the surface it would seem like taking the role of this man's sponsor would be helpful to him only, as I would show him what has worked for me to grow spiritually & stay sober. But that is face value, it actually helps me just as much if not more. My own spiritual condition is contingent on how much I do for others & what I can offer another alcoholic from my own experiences. By helping this guy through his own troubles, and working with another alcoholic one on one, I ensure that my own compulsions to ever drink or drug again are at least minute. It's when we are outside ourselves & directly involved in the service of others that we are best protected against the first drink or dose. It may be by fate or by divine design but I believe that my higher power has put this old friend into my life & given him a desire to stop drinking & stay stopped. If he is willing to do whatever it takes, as I am, then it will make for a great friendship down the road. When it comes down to it, a sponsor is just a "Trusted Friend" that has the knowledge & experience that we need. It is also someone who is willing to admit when they do not know the answers to a problem, and directs their sponsee to someone who does or can help. I can only pray for the ability to guide this good person in need to the freedom I have so gratefully found through the help of others.

I had the young man come back to my house tonight, gave him some books with the text of the 12 Steps & a few helpful prayers I have & do use still today. What has worked for me was shown to me by my sponsor, and it is my attempt to show this man the same things I have been shown. Most importantly I must show him that I can be trusted, when that level of trust has been reached between us, I can only hope that the honesty & sincerity will pour out of him & spirituality to pour back in. I feel both honored & challenged tonight, with the duty of a fellowship more helpful to people than any I have ever heard of. To carry the message to another is the ultimate reward, and I am happy to carry both the burden & delight of it. More than ever I realize what the big picture is really all about, that is one spiritual being helping another, to be more of what we should be & less like the flawed humans we were before. May we all bath in the warm & loving light of the spirit. For now, Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Working What Works

October 14. Hello everbody. Its been a few weeks since I have written in this blog. I'd like to say I have a good excuse for that, but I don't. Part of my crazy thinking challenged the effectiveness of this outlet I call a blog, another part didn't know what to say, among a thousand other thoughts. Since my last post I have managed to stay sober, all through the grace of my higher power & also great people at the great meetings I attend. Without those friends I would not have been led to the life I live today, free of drugs & alcohol and growing in spirit & health. Sometimes I wonder what I was spared for, but then I think of those who lead me to the message of hope & the program that does allow recovery & I realize that I may have been spared to help someone else. Even if no one reads this blog anytime soon, someday someone might & I may be able to help them. Carrying the message everywhere I go is another way to fullfill that purpose, if it is what is meant for me. When someone has saved your life, they are a hero of sorts, and the 12 Steps & those teaching me how to work them in my life have done just that.. they are heroes. I lost a friend last monday, thankfully she died sober & she will always be remembered. Her name was April, and she was a fantastic mother, grandmother, and a honest.. good person. We celebrated our first year sober together & looked forward to many more. She pulled no punches & I know that if nobody else wanted me to continue my works, she would certainly wish that I did. Thanks for all the laughs & smiles April, the sober way, you will never be forgotten by so many. When we look at how quickly our lives can change or be over, I personally think about what time is left. How can I do the most good, touch the most lives, and live my own both happy & free? The way to do that is "Working What Works".

When it comes to doing what works, working what works, I don't know much about it. For a decade & a half I did what didn't work & found new ways to bury my thoughts & emotions from having to find a way that life did work for me & those around me. That just shows how insane of an alcoholic I was & can be if I ever return to the drink or drugs. Working what works is what inspired me to return to writing in this blog, because for so long it has brought me a sense of helpfulness, usefulness, and peace at the end of the day. I have needed peace for the past two weeks, my mind has been in a million places & unresting, and where the mind goes the body follows so I have not physically rested well either. As a part of taking care of myself I must take care of my mind, body & spirit. The first step was staying stopped when it came to drugs & alcohol, the second part is doing things to recover from the state of existance I put myself in. The topic at tonight's meeting was about fixing the wreckage of our past, I know no better way to begin than with growing in stability & spirituality within. It allows us to be better fit to do the repairs we must do later on to clean our side of the street. Since the beginning going to meetings has "worked for me" so I have never stopped going & probably never will, but just for today I need a meeting & tomorrow is a new day if I am granted it. Also calling other alcoholics in recovery has worked for me, when I let up on that I begin to suffer the consequences of isolation. And finally, this blog has worked for me.. time & again. It has helped me vent feelings, clear the air, talk about things that apply to my life & even inspire a few others in the past. It's functionality in my life is irrecplacable, perhaps in the future something else may take the place of what this offers both me & others, but until then I must work with it, it works. Its important when things are working for us to not go through major changes or cut things out of our lives, because we might soon find that things are no longer working for us.. that might just be because we cut out what was working. It's as simple as realizing it, perhaps through the help of others, and returning to what we have proven helpful in our lives. It feels good to have written on these pages again, as so many other things in sobriety feel. That great sense of feeling being unmatchable by any high or drunk in my past. Thanks for blogging in, Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Power of Suggestion - Over The Alcoholic Mind

October 01. Happy friday night everybody, and a much welcomed beginning to October. With alot of fun things going on this month from town fairs & Halloween there is sure plenty to keep busy with. Thats an essential part of my recovery today, keeping busy & exploring the many things that can be done sober that are fun & fullfilling. It was a typical friday for the most part today, aside from a customer coming to my house to put a payment down on a ring they want that is. Shortly after they arrived my mom got home, dad soon followed & we began planning for dinner. I suggested we go to a friend's pizza shop that we mutually know & it was as good as ever. Afterwards I got my coffee & went early to my homegroup meeting, anticipating an old friend who was coming to the group for the first time. He had only experienced a certain meeting that runs the same format & I suggested he move around a little bit & explore the varieties of different ways the message of recovery is carried from group to group. Thankfully he followed that suggestion & showed up, our meeting tonight was on the Tenth Tradition & many of us shared of its importance to us individually and as a group in whole. Afterwards we hung around for some social time & then my parents showed up to get me, I said my goodbyes & let some friends know I was going to a nearby fair tomorrow all day. It's the biggest in the state & a ton of fun from my childhood, what better of a place to go experience the joys in sober life than there on a saturday. I want to rewind a few seconds to what I said earlier in regaurds to tonight's topic, I had mentioned that I "suggested" to a friend that he come up to our meeting & he showed up. Tonight's topic is "The Power of Suggestion"

As alcoholics/addicts, many of us cannot be TOLD what to do or where to go, that approach will give us a sour taste or resentment that will lead us back to a drink. Being fellow alcoholics we all know this, so when we have certain things that work we 'Suggest' them rather than make them a 'must do' or 'should do'. The approach is everything to the toxic alcoholic mind, and even years into our sobriety we can suffer from this, old timers have told me & I have experienced it myself well past my first year. "You need to do this" or "You need to go here" are infractions, commands and rules will never work to help us reach our spiritual goals in sobriety. Rather, we mildly suggest to one another "We have a really great group on fridays, if you want some variety I suggest you come check it out". Or "When I was a newcomer the guys in my group suggested I keep a journal, so I did". These are very passive ways at telling an alcoholic like me of what I should be doing if I want to succeed. Is there time to be point blank? Yes, but that is probably after one is well rooted & getting used to successful experiences from prior suggestions.

In short, it is the Power of Suggestion that wins over all when carrying the message from a sober alcoholic to the newly sober. Even the 12 Steps are labeled as "Suggestions", but as I heard from many old timers, "It is suggested when sky diving that you pull the rip cord, you don't have to, but it's suggested". Had anyone told me I had to do this, or go there, I would not have done anything or gone anywhere & my recovery would never have truly begun. It was the experienced alcoholic in recovery that knew the Power of Suggestion & how it worked for them to learn to listen & apply things to their life & life got better. It continues to work for me, even today my sponsor & support group suggest things to me that will improve my life, sobriety, or spirituality. Without the simplicity of a friendly suggestion over a demanding order I would not be here today, I would have folded my cards & gotten out of the game. Returning to the bottle is most caused by resentment, that resentment can be created due to someone coming across as bossy or directive. If we just use the passive power behind suggestion we eliminate the risk of these resentments & we are working with, instead of against, the alcoholic mind to lead it to releif from the disease. So when you want to gain a yard with a recovering alcoholic, give an inch of suggestion & see what they'll do. If they follow those suggestions, that means they are truly devoted to getting & staying sober & that their desire is there. If they do not follow them all you can do is give the next right suggestion & hope for the best. And for all of you great people who read this, I hope the best for you. Pray for the still sick & suffering, in & out of recovery, because setting the drink/drug down is not enough. We must change, everything & grow in spirituality. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy