Monday, May 31, 2010

Spiritual Freedom - 4th Step & Letting Go

May 31. Hello friends & a very happy Memorial Day. I hope you all spent your holiday spending quality time with those who matter & remembered the sacrifice that has happened by soldiers in order for us to be free to do so. I couldn't have asked for a better day, even though some things were missing. Everything seemed to go right & that is an ongoing pattern in my life the longer I am sober & willing to work a spiritual program. I spent half my day with my family & the second half with my best friend & his family. Only a few small things that I won't mention could have made it a better day, neither one of those things are a drink or drug thanks to the Grace of my Higher Power. After both parties I went to my usual Monday meeting at MARS Group & we had a very emotional & relieving meeting there. A reality & urgency to face certain things in my past that still hold back the person I am today became apparent.

It has come to my understanding that as I honestly & fearlessly search myself, there will be things that cause fear, pain, resentment & in the end can cause me to pick up a drink again if left inside to decay my spirit. The key is to being freed from these haunting things of the past is to get them out, in my case on paper in my 4th Step. By being complete & honest about this pain, fear & resentment I can ahcieve freedom from it later, by letting it go to my higher power & forgiving others & as well myself. But we cannot just simply forgive on the surface, we have to search ourselves for everything that is inside & find the bad & hurtful. Writing it down in the 4th Step is a way to do this & actually bring a reality to situations that we can physically touch & see. It makes it later possible during our 5th step when we admit it all to our higher power & to another person, we can then work toward letting it go, realizing our part, and forgiving those necessary.

That doesn't mean we let harmful persons back in our lives or that we go back to our own old ways after the forgiveness, both of these could get us hurt again or bring on an all new resentment. Instead we continue to work on ourselves & grow from the experiences we collect in sobriety & spiritual living. The changes in us come in hard work & over time, some things that we come to peace with even involve people we may never see again or who cannot or will not change to be a purposeful member of our lives again. But we do not do it for them, we do it for ourselves to be unchained from ourselves & live free in spirit. I thank my higher power today for the 12 Steps & for truly having handed us all a great program, that I may one day be rid of the things inside which have rules me in fear & pain for over a decade. There is a great task ahead of me & through the help of others I will walk the path of freedom. Just as through the help of others we live in Freedom as a country. Let Freedom Ring on Memorial Day & every other day of your life. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Doing The Next Right Thing - Willingness

May 29. I was a busy bee working in the hive today, I hope the rest of you were enjoying your weekend & not working. I had a great day for business today, not because I made a ton of money but because I got to buy alot of jewelry at a ridiculously low price. Its little things like this that make me glad I am sober & capable of keeping something going like this instead of running it into the ground. I also find great joy in putting that special piece of treasure in a customer's hand. So after a long day & closing up by myself, my help left early for his son's birthday, I got on the road to return phone calls. I ended up meeting up with my cousin for a delicious dinner & a brief chat, a half an hour later bumping into a good friend & his girlfriend as well. So I indulged in the social coincidence & finally headed home for 8pm. I threw a quick cleaning on my office space & logged online to write. I had a thought about where I am headed lately, and more importantly how I got there. What exactly has provided me with the sober & spiritual success I have seen so far?

It came down apparently to the principle of "Doing The Next Right Thing". In so many situations its hard to determine what that may be, actually I am not really at all qualified to say what that can be in my own life. I say that because up until the past 11 months I have done everything my way & failed at everything but being a good selfish drug addict & alcoholic. I never knew what the next right thing was apparently, as I time after time made the wrong choices that lead me further down that rabbit hole of alcoholism. It wasn't until I became willing to listen to others, who had found & applied the solutions to their life, that I came to discover what the next right thing was. Each time something worked out for me, I learned a new thing for me as being the "right thing to do". So when faced with a similar situation, I might the next time know what the NEXT right thing to do is. It really is difficult to remain humble & accepting that I can't run my life the way I have before, it requires something arcane to me for the most part.

The good news is that it is teachable & so am I. There are many suggestions I am having a hard time following & others come easy but the point is I am willing to try. By trying I am getting practice at doing the next right thing for myself & others more often. So long as I don't assume I know whats best for me or what the next best choice is in my life, I can make the right choice by borrowing the experience of others before me. Does it mean that someone will always have the answers for me? Absolutely not. But others have survived any possibility I can face & remained sober. That means that I can too remain sober by doing as they did & if that does not work there are other's experiences to learn from. Its worth continuing this difficult process just to find out how I can walk free form the chains of alcoholism. Never cured, but relieved, one day at a time.. each "Next Right Thing" at a time.. It works if you work it. God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change, Courage To Change The Things I Can, & The Wisdom To Know The Difference". Happy & Safe Memorial Day Weekend~ Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Having Targets & Goals - Personality & Morals

May 29. It's early Saturday morning & I have to go run my business in the AM. That fact does not stop me from coming here to connect with all of you though. I used to put myself through days of no sleep & amounts of abuse in the multiples greater for the sake of my addiciton, so I can do it for something wholesome in my life moreso. I had a great friday. I slept in, so long that I was actually very slow getting moving. By the time mom & dad called to say it was time to meet for our friday night dinner out on the town I had to rush to get ready. Sometimes a fire under my ass is necessary or I will slip into my old behaviors, one of which is procrastination. After a great dinner/talk I went to visit & old friend. We talked & he decided he would come to a meeting with me. Two hours later, due to the group business meeting, we left with a mind full of recovery & went out to talk & have coffee. A brief argument or two with much heart behind my disagreements, we were laughing in no time & enjoying the radio on the way home.

It was something we had discussed & a point I mentioned to another friend as well today that I would like to bring up as a topic. When we are trying to learn a new way of living, reinventing ourselves without the "ism's" of alcoholism, it does us justice to have a "Target Personality & Set Of Morals" to aim for. Some would say this is just setting us up for failure, heartbreak, or a relapse... I disagree & so is all I've been taught. We give ourselves up willingly to the methods of the 12 Steps & the will of our Higher Power, all as part of working a spiritual program to change our lives. If we can do that, we have to keep some kind of picture in mind of what it is we want to be. That picture is ever changing, but some things in it are constant. I want to be a person that is rid of self seeking ways, one full of feeling, respectful & respected, not willing to do others harm & when I do be willing to make ammends, and a whole list of other things. With out having these targets in mind, I do not have any way to focus my efforts on an area of my life. In addition without them, I do not know what needs to be maintained to continue to have the qualities I want.

So the "Target Set Of Morals" has basically been explained & sometimes as my thinking gets clearer, or my spirituality grows I add to that list or change parts as more is revealed in this life..style..?.. The other part of this is having a "Target Personality". This confuses some people, but we have done this since childhood & do not even know it. When we want to be a heroic fireman, a law enforcing police officer, an honorable war veteran, or a wild & talented rock star.. these are all examples of a target personality. Some other ideas are a broadway singer, a dancer, a teacher.. the list goes on. That personality seems more like a profession, but don't people who are good at their jobs reflect their profession in a personality? Most of my life I wanted to be that Drug Smuggling, Chaos Creating, wild & crazy Rock Star. It was the bottom so low I lost the will to be anything that changed that for me. I still dream of being a Rock Star of sorts, but one who thrives with talent, spiritual music, and devoted to a fan base.. not selling as many tickets to have money to buy drugs or empty bottles.

That personality I dream of is popular for just being myself, for having a heart & expressing it in unique & musical ways, for being sober & having a strong base of morals that reflect my beliefs. I have had to do alot of finding out who I am now, understanding who I was, and concentrating on who I want to be. I know today that I cannot achieve any of my spiritual, moral, or personality goals if I do not remain sober & working the 12 Steps in my life daily. I have proven that left to my own devices & doing things my own way that I can accomplish no more than the drug & alcohol part, the selfish & alcoholic thinking, the actions of a man deserving no respect. So to change I must know what I am, and what I want to become. Its the difference between those two people that determines how much work I have to do, I want to be a person so great that my work will never be finished.. and thats a good thing, no a GREAT thing. To help others even with my last breaths of life is something I am commited to today, to be there for others as so many have been there for me when I could not stand myself. And finally to carry the message, not just of the solution to alcoholism, but the message of life & love, pain & gain, risk & reward, survival & recovery.. through all the many outlets available to me & the person that I will become with hard work & a clear image. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Acceptance Is A Responsibility - Memorial Day Weekend

May 27. I hope everyone had a good thursday, its almost friday & I am looking forward to a good holiday weekend. Memorial day was most often spent in a stupor & or in a struggle to hide the fact that I was in one. I know the meaning of the holiday & honor all who have sacrificed & worked so hard for freedom in the lives of others. I can't help but also celebrate this year the changing of the gaurd in my own life. No longer am I held a victim instead I can be responsible & carry the solution with me. I am fighting for my own freedom against an enemy that wants me dead, alcoholism & drug addiciton. With just over 10 months sober, I am forever grateful not to be in the position of despair & worthlessness to myself & others that I was a year ago.. and for years into the past. The key to all of this change, from prisoner to freedom fighter, an honorable veteran in the war against alcoholism in my life & others who seek a solution to the civil war within themselves... ACCEPTANCE.

Acceptance is so far different from admitting we are spiritually diseased, or alcoholic, or addicted. Admitting it is a mere statement of condition, it shows no intention nor ambition to change or grow well. It harbors denial, half-truths, and many other lethal enemies that greatly contribute to one's self destruction or losing the battle against themselves. Acceptance is entirely something different. It is the key to Sobriety & to living along Spiritual Lines. Accepting that you are something involves not only admitting it to others, but taking responsibility & owning the entire thing. It requires the responsibility of action to practice acceptance, the action being whatever must be done to correct one's spiritual disease. Acceptance over admittance is a huge factor in one's recovery. Many men & women say from the middle of a drug den party or the edge of a barstool "yeah so I'm an Alcoholic" or "I'm a drug addict what do you expect?". All things I have said myself in the past.

But today I say it different, with an entirely different tone & meaning. When I say that "I am a Drug Addict & Alcoholic" I am owning that, I have taken responsibility for it & accepted it. I accept that there is a solution & I must apply it in order to be free of it, in order to end the suffering for myself & others.. to prevent another casualty & create another Memorial Day. So when we think deeply about ourselves, when we stare deep within our spirit to what makes us, then examine what drives us right now in life.. can we say that we ACCEPT what we are? Or do we go on admitting our condition & continuing to live a prisoner of war, the war against our own worst enemies; a spiritually diseased self. We can do well to remember our veterans on Memorial Day, battles fought.. some won, some lost.. all in the name of Freedom! Freedom from self, that is the achievement & to do so we can employ the 12 Steps in our lives. We can after doing so, finally ADMIT that we ACCEPTED who we were & took the responsibility to change that person for reasons our higher power will yet reveal to us. Thanks for blogging in.. Have a great weekend! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

If It's Not Broken, Don't Fix It

May 27. Hey friends, trying to stay cool tonight cuz its pretty hot & just a lil after mindnight thursday morning. Writing here daily helps keep me on track & I hope that someone benefits out there from the things I share. I was almost too tired to get on here tonight, but I am stubborn & there is still plenty of time for sleep. My Wednesday wasn't all that terrible, I started my day out at 7am with a friend. We met up with my best friend Tommy & even saw my cousin. After an all day excusion I came home & tried to get some rest. A short nap & a shower later to escape the heat & I was off to my monthly commitment to open a meeting in Scranton. The topic there was an important one & it's worth repeating.

When something isn't broken, it doesn't need fixing. In relationship to the meeting, this topic arouse in the terms of carrying the message. The ways in which the 12 Steps are presented from one alcoholic to another have been the same for 75 years. So has the message in regaurds to there being a lasting solution to the disease of alcoholism. Because of the number of courts, agencies, & rehabilitation centers constantly force feeding people into the 12 Step fellowships when they do not want to be there, the message & the way one alcoholic reaches another has changed & become challenging. In the past decades alcoholics & addicts found the fellowships because they had hit bottoms so low that they were finally convinced they had to do something different. When the message was heard & someone showed up to a meeting they were ready to embrace change & were not going through the motions like so many others who are forced there do often.

At tonight's meeting an old timer ephasized on how important it was that the message did not get watered down. I share that urgent view, because its that same message that has remained the same for 75 years that saved my life & gave me hope. As simple as it seems there is a whole book actually containing the "message" of recovery that can be shared with others, carrying the message requires learning it first. So many concerns come with people who actually have not yet hit their bottoms, but I have to remember that everything is at it should be.. in addition some of those people who hear the message when they are not yet ready to stop, later know where to turn when they are. In the end I suppose that tolerance & love wins over all and that keeping the message in tact as the founders made it is the primary objective after carrying it on to the next alcoholic. The message is not broken so lets not fix it just yet. So with this I will carry what little I know on to the next who will hear it... Good Night.. Good Morning,... <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

There Is A Solution - Carrying The Message

May 26. Well I had a pretty good Tuesday & I hope everyone else's was just fine too. It's kind of hard to have a bad day these days when life is so much better than it ever was or could have been when my addiction ran rampant. It is the daily relief that the 12 Steps & all of the involvement the programs out there have to offer that makes life so "do-able", more than it ever was before. I had a delicious dinner with mom & dad & got myself moving to try & loosen up my aching back. As I moved around more & more the pain went from a constant to a faint soreness, its just proof that our bodies have the ability to fight pain on their own & if we chose not to lay down & die with a prescription in our hands we can cope with these things. After all if the pain does not kill you then its not enough pain to use a drug or drink over.. I hope that would be the general concensus. I ended up going to my normal Tuesday night meeting @ the Blue Shutters group but it wasn't a normal meeting.. there were 3 celebrants there & a celebration meeting was held. Two people were celebrating a decade sober & another her first year in sobriety. The vast gap between the collected sober time was a bold statement to me.

What I read in between the lines was this, if one person can celebrate a year in the same room as one who has ten years sober.. then this in fact can work for me & it can last. That means if I only have a day sober, or I am celebrating 2 years, that I can permanently recover from that hopeless state of mind & body called alcoholism. The 9 year gap in Sobriety got me to thinking, all of those moments between years 1 & 10 there must have been some great as well as difficult ones. Its the fact that all those moments were endured sober & to the best of each's ability also in a spiritual manner. The credit was passed on to their Higher Power, and of course to the 12 Step fellowship itself & the group they call home. Today I see in my own life how much more life means to me & I long to experience the good & the bad that will happen between now & each milestone or year of my sobriety.

In just under a year now I have gone from being a worthless, untrustworthy, desperate fraction of a man with no moral or spiritual backbone to offer to my friends, family, or anyone else who entered my life. Today & every day I stay sober I accumulate more of the beatiful qualities that a person can offer others & work steadfast at eliminating the bad that accompany. I know that I will never be perfect, but if I shoot for that mark I will fall short an ultimate winner. Can I imagine 9 years & 2 months down the road, after a decade of sobriety in my life? No I truly cannot, I can only picture what tomorrow will be like if I do what I did today to stay sober.. that is a beautiful picture. It will be the efforts & time compounded in a spiritual direction that will truly tell what the next decade of my life will be like. That is if my higher power wills it to be that I make it that long, miracles in disguise often take people from this world long before we humans believe its time. But the power to be & the one that saved my life will decide if & when that time is, until then I have a job to do & failure is not an option.

See I'm thoroughly convinced that I am indeed an alcoholic & a drug addict, they have destroyed my life time after time & I cannot control myself or them after the first enters my body. It's because of that I know I must stay sober or die, I can accomplish such by following the lead of those who celebrate yet another year sober before me. 75 years ago the solution to alcoholism was discovered & put into words & action by a small group of people. They accredited the answer that no doctor nor medicine could find to a higher power & they spread the word of a solution allowing each alcoholic to define what that higher power actually was. 12 Simple Steps & a tradition of teaching them to others was all that was required to find a solution to alcoholism. It required a spiritual overhaul & rigorous honesty, but not much else. It works, I've seen it with my own eyes tonight as two people celebrated 10 years in sobriety & yet another their first. I need only do as they have done to get there myself. If I didn't have faith that this works or it didn't change my life already you would see me with a bottle of booze & a bag of drugs, but it does, it has changed my life & for that I celebrate with everyone else.. the carrying of the message that there is a solution! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Normal Days - When Being Yourself Is Uneasy

May 25. Manic Monday is over everybody take a deep breath! Its just past midnight on tuesday morning & I am still a ball of energy. I got out of the house for my usual MARS Group meeting which was a smash success as always & then out to the closing minutes of my home group to see my sponsor. I stayed about an hour just chatting with friends & enjoying the night air. A while later I was back at home & hopped online to check out how some friends were doing. So that was my day, nothing exciting & thankfully nothing bad to make note of. It's these kinds of days that I used to feel complacent & would search out trouble to get myself into.. thankfully those alcoholic patterns are a thing of the past & I work on my spiritual condition daily to keep them there. It's this area that I'd really like to talk about on here tonight as a topic.

Most people who have an alcohol or drug problem, even people with just spiritual diseases, do not know how to have a normal day. This unfamiliar & unwelcome thing we call peaceful existance bothers more people than we know. People who crave drama in their lives suffer much the same way, as well people who feed off chaos like career criminals & gang members. All of these things cause spiritual despair & make us uncomfortable in our own skin when everything is calm & easy going. Its this uneasiness that causes many of us to go on a spree of self sabatoge, for the alcoholic/addict that means a long, drawn out, & potentially deadly run in with our drug or substance of choice. These binges go on for days, we hit a bottom, and we slowly move back up from that bottom a few inches. The fact is we never completely get back up to where before we enter this stage.. thats why our bottoms can get lower & lower.

During my quest for sobriety & spiritual living I had realized that I didn't have to get as low as I have been in the past to finally have enough. It was the constant enduring of feeling like crawling out of my skin that broke me finally. The lack of a higher power made me seek out an answer as to why I could not be peaceful & easy in my own skin. It turned out I was indeed alcoholic & addicted, that I already knew, but I had no idea of the spiritual damage nor the physical changes I had put my body through. Ones that might never be curable, but are all treatable. So long as I am willing to work the 12 Steps & stay active I am treated & I am well, but should I ever think I am cured, the days of feeling uneasy in my own skin could return. I am happy today in my body, in having the life I live, and in being involved in everything I have a place in. That is a complete change from where I was.

It truly is a simple solution, but our ways as individuals are long embedded in us & our thinking we know how to fix ourselves complicates the whole process or program. Its when we turn our will & lives over to our higher power & finally do what is suggested of us by people who are in a place we wish to be.. then & only than will we be comfortable & happy with ourselves. That includes on the days when nothing spectacular happens in our lives, this process is how we come to find a gratitude that says any day we made it alive, sober, & don't hurt ourselves or others is a great day in our lives. So when your feeling broken & ready to take the plunge back into self destruct mode, consider a spiritual solution & how great life really is.. even on the uneventful, peaceful, boring & lonely days of your life. Shine in the light of the spirit. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Monday, May 24, 2010

Handling Ourselves Differently - Solutions

May 24. Hello everyone, I ended up having a pretty good weekend with no real complaints in the end. I actually had help Sunday which made my life so much easier & allowed me to focus on the purchasing part of my business. Looking back even at my business, never mind the rest of the growth in my life, I can see how I have come a long way.. I end up making a purchase or move for more merchandise on a daily basis. I never had the balance & discipline in my life to be able to handle any of this before sobriety. I realized that through the years of my addiction I had countless years in the business market, but it was a black market & has consequences & risks much greater then exist in the retail world. Aside from what was lacking back then, I could have never capitalized on any of the business experience I had acquired because of emotions & personality being nearly non-existant. There was also an unquenchable hunger for more & more physically addictive chemicals that cost more money then I could have ever been able to manage in those physical, mental & spiritual conditions. I can never give my Higher Power enough credit nor show enough gratitude for the miracle of change in my life. I have made so much out of nothing so far, that is nothing but the desire to stay sober & do the next right thing.

So I went out for a little while tonight, just to be out & try to get out of my head. Some plans fell through with a friend & it seemed everyone else was already busy or had early starts on Monday & needed rest. Its these types of times I get to really know myself. Just by taking a good look when I am not exactly in a position I want to be or with a person that brightens my spirits I can start to see if I am doing spiritually well or not. "How did I feel, What did I do while feelin that way? Did what I did change those emotions or thoughts. Was there something different I can try if I did not like the result or it was not helpful." These are all things I try & ask myself, because we all may know ourselves but we may not know how different things could be for us if we handled ourselves differently. Its exploring these things and doing whats the next best thing for us that defines good change. Sometimes I find myself picking something that feels good temporarily to occupy my time & end up the same as I started or in a worse spiritual condition. That temporary fix is an alcoholic action, almost like taking a drink or drug for that easy way out.

Its when I truly look at what will make me feel right long term, or do something healthy or constructive that will actually change how I am feeling not just cover it up for the duration of that momentary bliss. Some things like emotions or feelings are not so easy to find permanent solutions too. Despair, lonliness, heartache & the like sometimes are caused by something that has happened around us or is not happening in our life that we want to. The important part of solving these tricky issues, that many end up drinking over, is to realize that whatever we are feeling as a result of this is inside us. We cannot change the cause or simply create what's missing, instead we have to work spiritually on a way around it. At some points it comes down to the trust of your Higher Power delivering what you deeply seek & truly loving yourself despite what's happened or absent. That love is found through working the 12 Steps, forgiving yourself for any & all wrongs you've abandoned & keeping your side of the street clean in all your encounters. It's at that point I personally feel good inside despite a sensation of solitude or lonliness, stress or undecisiveness, and many other uneasy emotions below my surface. So the challenge is, Can We Handle Ourselves Differently & get new results in our life? It's all up to us individually to practice this spiritual tool. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Life Happens - Dealing With Others

May 22. Hey everyone, Saturday was a long & unexpected day. I managed to make it through a work-day at my shop that was steadily paced & normally requires me to have the young man who has been working for me there for weeks now. Only this time I had to do it alone. In past months this would not have been so tall a task for me, the snag was that I nearly doubled my inventory & opened the actual space I have to manage & oversee to twice the number of pathways, tables, & customers. I got an opportunity to have 2 short breaks thanks to the kindness of a neighbor vendor, during which I was also able to buy some very beautiful new jewelry. I do have to say I was slightly dissapointed a bulk of the day, my alcoholic thinking was stuck on wondering why priorly faithful & thorough employee had not only stood me up to pick him up but didn't call to say he had changed his mind. Friday night he had told me he would be ready in the morning for pick up at our usual time. I still have not heard from him at the point of writing this tonight & I must accept that I am powerless over him as another person.. even if the only thing I'd care to change is his willingness to contact me with an explination. The reality of it is because I placed expectations on someone else, I allowed myself to be let down & build a resentment. One that I am letting go of as we speak.

The most important thing for me to remember when dealing with others is that "Life Happens". Just as my business is a serious part of my life & I make it a priority in my life, there may have been something deeper than my employee just not showing up for work. Anything from an emergency, a bad decision or feeling, or a simple mistake could have lead to his absence. Whatever his motive it is just as big a part of his own life at that moment as me needing his help with my business is to mine. I guess one could say in sobriety I am learning to grow not only spiritual principles into my life but also perspective itself. I don't need an explination, an answer, or the truth. All I need to do is accept what has happened & decide how I personally can deal with it on my end since I was affected. This is something I could never accomplish during my active addiction & alcoholism for many reasons too. The biggest part was the selfish & self-centered thinking that defines a majority of alcoholic actions, thoughts, & emotions. Me, Me, Me & how I was wronged. In the world of resentments many alcoholics cannot get past the part where they were wronged because they fail to acknowledge that Life Happens & it does not solely revolve around them.

So to learn to not take someone else's shortcomings or defects personally is a spiritual lesson I have found a need to adapt to. All to often in the past I would take it personal when experiencing or being affected by other's insecurities, actions, dissapointments, etc. The bare fact was that I did not like how circumstances, feelings, or actions in their life was affecting my own. It leads back to that selfish nature that I must change daily through asking my higher power to show me how I can live my day for others. Today I can be more considerate of the things that happen in other people's lives. I do not have to like the circumstances, but I do not have to resent them nor do I have to take them personal & build negative emotion towards whats happened. A word that comes to mind when people give into this, as in they take it personal & get involved with negative emotions, is DRAMA. Its a word that gets thrown around losely in society today, but its a situation I steer clear of as often as possible. If I were to be absorbed in the affairs of others & found a way each one affecs mine, I could be labeled the popular term "Drama King/Queen". Instead I am being taught to take a second look at myself, to see if anything within me has contributed to the circumstances & if its nothing to do with me or beyond my control.. then I learn to accept it. All of this takes practice & practice does not make perfect, that is an untruth we are told at a young age. Practice ensures progress, but never perfection. The 12 Step fellowships often have this claim which I will close tonight with, "We claim spiritual progress, rather than spiritual perfection." Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Built In Forgetters - Gratitude Can Be A Solution

May 20. Hey friends, I hope all of you got to enjoy a beautiful sunny day like I did. They weren't always so enjoyable & I have to remember that as motivation for my continual spiritual growth. I got an early visit from my sister coming to get some old cages from the woods outside our house for making window boxes for pets. I decided to get out of my lazy mode & come out to see my nephew as well help her cut the cages apart & get them in her car. It was a nice unexpected visit & it was short but sweet. My mom got back a little later form shopping w/ my aunt & we headed out to my Doctors about 45 minutes away. It couldn't have been a more pleasant day for a long drive. The group we had after my visit there was phenominal, the first time it actually was overly productive & full of honest heartfelt peer to peer therapy. A long wait in the line at a checkout before getting on the highway & we were off heading back home for dinner time.

I got out the grill & mom did the rest of the magic she does with every meal. Afterwards I got ready & headed down to my usual thrusday night meeting, since starting the MARS Group with my friend Kathy a formerly required thursday group I had to attend has become no longer mandatory. This has given me the liberty of attending a 12 Step meeting that has been really beneficial to my weekly program. At the meeting we had a great speaker, when it was time for a topic to come up he chose gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for today, I am even grateful for my addiction & where it has lead me in recovery; potentially becoming a better person then I may have even been without the experiences & changes in my life as a whole. But it wasn't the things that I had gratitude for that made me so humble & sentimental tonight. When a young man shared his list of things to be recently grateful for it put all things once again in perspective.

Gratitude is something that keeps us in check, it reminds us how much better things are without drugs or alcohol in our lives because for those of us who are alcoholic or addicts that was once all we knew & lived for. When this young man got his turn to share, he spoke honest & innocently. "My mom & I are moving in 2 days & the new place isn't going to have electric in it for a few days while we are there. We don't have anywhere else to go & it's not like its forever its just a few days til the electric company comes out to turn it on. I am just happy to have a roof over my head today & not be staying outside like I had to do sometimes during my active addiction & I am happy that we are gonna eventually have electric, it could be worse & we could be homeless & sober or living outside & high." That bold & simple statement nearly brought tears to my eyes.

I remember sleeping outside, in vehicles, from family member to friend's couches & in horrible places just to stay dry, warm, or from going through withdrawl. This young man's gratitude list that he shared puts things all back into perspective for me again, which is what always happens the longer I stay in the fellowship & newcomers continue to arrive. The fact is that people will not suddenly developing alcoholism, the disease is not curable & they do not know what causes the phenominon in some. Some people can have one or two once or twice a month, year, or decade.. then there are us alcoholics who either cannot control ourselves or can't find a way to stop once we start. We make stupid mistakes & we have built in forgetters of where the drink/drug & our actions take us afterwards. Today I don't have to have that built in forgetter, I can have gratitude instead. If I remember daily & keep showing up to be involved in the fellowship, there will always be a newly recovering alcoholic to remind me of how it was.. and once I'm reminded & think back on my own past I am once again thoroughly convinced that sober & spiritual living is the only way for me to exist today. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Chasing That Dream V.S. Living That Dream

May 20. Hey friends, wednesday was cool in my book. I slept in, seems to be my pattern lately which I kind of don't like but obviously am adjusting & in need of the rest. Mom made some dinner early for me, my birthday lasagna which is always better reheated. I watched my favorite TV series airing right now on the web, Fox's Glee, then got ready for the meeting 2 hours later. I showed up early to make coffee & set up because I took that commitment for the month of May. The good news was there was a few people there to help out & I didn't have to do much to get read for the meeting. After a great meeting & some good chats with old & new friends we wrapped up, locked up, & headed out. I invited some newcomers to join me friday out at a pizza shop after the meeting, they seemed eager & accepted so we'll see how that goes when it happens.

After the meeting I headed out to meet up with a friend of old, ending up bumping into two others while out having coffee & playing games. It was all in all a good night. So here I am home & up late, ready to talk about something real in my life. I am sober 10 months today, I couldn't imagine getting 10 days clean when I started this. It's no small feat for an alcoholic or addict to even go a day without their chemical of choice or another substance to ease their discomfort. Its very difficult for people who do not have this spiritual disease to imagine why we do what we do to ourselves, or why we cannot just simply stop or go without. Most of us spend ages in a numb state of body & mind, chasing a dream that is never within reach. At the end of the day, each of us consumed & abused what we did for a sense of belongingness, for happiness, fun, and how blind we were to what monster was growing within us.

I remember for the first ten years thinking I could stop when I wanted, but never actually stopping or trying. A reason good enough to comprimise my only "joy" at the time never came to be. I surrounded my life with either people that accepted my problem or that were blind to it. I do not know if I just had drugs & alcohol stripped from me in a sudden way if I would have survived that emotionally or spiritually. I recently have memories return to me of not wanting to live years ago, feelings I had long forgotten in my numb & lengthy stupor. It is so great to not feel that way today, to not feel hollow or empty about a single aspect in my life. Even "dating" which is absent in my life right now is no big deal, I have come to peace with the fact that when the right girl comes along for me we will meet, we will want to see eachother again, and the rest is in the hands of my Higher Power. Afterall it's only by the grace of my higher power that anything happens in my life, good, bad, or indifferent.

I am more in touch today with the fact that although I am my own person & make my own choices, that everything happens for a reason as planned. That planning put into my life is not my own, its a greater force than I could ever imagine & it has never intended to hurt me though I have been. All of the struggles & pains I felt & endured were so that I could stand today with straight eyes & clear mind, capable & confident. I know today what I have to offer people & as I maintain Sobriety that list of useful things I have become grows larger. So today instead of "Chasing That Dream" I get to "Live That Dream". I do so with the understanding that its not all for & about me, but certain parts & times of this wild ride of life are indeed meant for me to experience. And I am meant to experience them competent & sober, I have lost my ability to enjoy a gleeful buzz or a mild trip so to say, this is how it was meant for me. To all those who do not suffer from alcoholism/addiction, I once knew what it was like to be able to have a good time with a drink in my hand. But somewhere in my process of "Chasing That Dream" for a life of happiness I lost my will over it & it lost its effect. So if you can enjoy just one drink, or just one night out to get high, thank your higher power that your not like me. But then again maybe I'm the lucky one, because afterall today.. I am "Living That Dream", the one I dreamt of for 14 years of addiction. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Working With Others - How We Learn About Ourselves

May 18. Hey friends Tuesday's just about finished & for me it was a rainy & lazy day. I didn't have much on my mind & a care free feeling made it easy to relax under a warm blanket. The rain has an effect on me that usually either makes me tired, sore, or just out right cranky. Thankfully I was tired & didn't have to experience any of that. A friend stopped by to drop off some water pipe for my dad that he picked up for free. That act is the kind of "doing for others" that I talked about yesterday. I am sure the call I gave him to thank him afterwards felt twice as good as it does for me when I do those things. I had a good warm dinner on a cold day & got ready for my meeting afterwards, arriving just on time for a change. It was a packed house as usual for Tuesdays & I stayed in the normal meeting when the beginners broke off to their own group. I am still by far a beginner, but being on my Fourth Step the topics I need to hear most happen in the normal meeting rooms. I got an opportunity to share some things that worked for me to a person in need of solutions & the meeting adjourned after a few more people spoke.

It was after the meeting that I got what I needed spiritually & often times these days it happens that way. When I was new & more lost in life I heard much of what I needed to hear within the meeting, funny how that changes the more we learn. Its because of that I need to realize how little I do know & how much more there is still out there. I had a mini-talk with my sponsor afterwards, it lasted only a few minutes but some big things that I had lost in my fog the past few years returned to me. In sharing honestly, openly, & with a solution seeking purpose we helped eachother realize alot of good things in a short amount of time. I actually got to see my first alcoholic moment for what it was & when it occured, as well I got to see what the hiding & numbing it created in my emotional & spiritual life had done to me. It makes me think of a miraculous story of how a man in a coma was brought out after many years, when on his birthday his mom brough his favorite dish to the hospital.. the smell of it aroused a part of his brain & caused him to come out of his coma. He lived to tell of that as I live to talk about & help others with my story of recovery from alcoholism.

It was something that was said, or a memory that lead to another memory that gave me this insight tonight. It was something I had been searching for & many details that I had forgotten due to the fact that I was numb to them for so long. It's almost overwhelming, but in a good way for a change because I know there is a lasting solution if I do the honest & right thing in working the Steps & learning to live them. All of the pollution in my head will clear in time & with hard work, as the fog of my spirituality will be lifted as well, every day I spend sober my body heals more from the damages caused. We are resiliant creatures if we get past our self destructive ego's and tendencies. Many of us suffer from it, there were times in my life I felt crazy & didnt' value life that I had forgotten until now. I will get to address each of these things & turn them over to the one thing that has the power to handle them, since I did not, that thing being my Higher Power.

The topic, if you will, for my entry tonight comes to me as such: Through the action of sharing open & honest with another alcoholic & being willing to help them in their own struggles with our own story we can sometimes shake free things that are trapped inside or long forgotten. Because of this we are able to turn even more of our haunting pasts over to our Higher Power, which takes the burden of them away from us. Only a reliance on a power greater than myself & a belief that all of my fuck-up will be forgiven can get this job done. I have to be willing to forgive myself even if some whom I hurt cannot forgive me, that is so long as I offer an ammends & own up to my actions. This leaves my side of the street clean, and clean is spiritual. In all I've learned about this spiritual & new sober way of life the most important lessons I learn are about myself, all possible through my Higher Power putting other alcoholics/addicts that are recovering in my life. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Going The Extra Mile - Selflessness

May 18. Hey everyone midnight has come & its officially Tuesday. Hope everyone had a monday that started the week off right. I enjoyed being lazy all day because I worked for my birthday on Sunday. For a change I wasn't sore & all achy, which was a blessing because usually if I rest too much I regret it in my back. My body continually adjusts to dealing with these aches & pains, which helps me realize that I can endure it without the medicines I abused in the past. In the PM I got out & to the MARS Group which for a change was a small group & very personalized. Sometimes those types of meetings are the best thing & allow us to get more out of ourselves & onto the table to be worked on. The topic was love & what it really is, also where we fall short or aren't perfect in showing or recieving it. Afterwards I left & headed to my home group to help close up, staying an extra hour talking in the parking lot with great people. I am so grateful to have these people & groups in my life because truly with having no family to come home too, I need something to fill the gaps & my social will to belong. I know however one day that will all come & that is more motivation to do the hard work required of me now.

Being a better person to those around us makes the conscience peaceful & edges us closer to a real feeling serenity. Being a good son & brother to my family, a good man to any woman who happen to take intimate interest in, a good friend to those that let me in their lives.. and a good friend to everyone in general, be it a girlfriend or my own mother or father. These things are important for my spiritual growth because without it that feelgood that replaces my old ways is impossible. So when I get a chance, I always want to take interest in another's deepest wishes & pleasures in life so I can participate in making them possible. Its weird to discover after being selfish & self pleasing for so long your ability to smile again suddenly comes from making other's happy. I can tell you this much though, changing your life to do just that on a daily basis is leading me to a life I could only dream of before this.

The base desire of being human makes me want to live a happy & prosperous life, I would guess that everyone else is this way too. Imagine a spiritual world where we put our selfishness aside & did for eachother what we would do for ourselves. The effect would be almost utopian (ideal society). What more could we ask for out of somebody but their absolute best. But when we ask this of someone are we willing to give them the same out of us? That is a question I dug deep & failed at fullfilling many times so far, but every time I try I get better at it. We all can try & if we do will see great improvements not only in our life but in others we are around, and in our spirits. So I'll keep it short tonight in saying that if you have anyone in your life that you care about, go the extra mile & see what happens. The worst thing you could do is suprise someone by being extra nice. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Monday, May 17, 2010

A Birthday Message - Gratitude With No Bounds

May 17. Sunday has come to an end & so has one of the best days I have had on this Earth. I am officially 29 years old & for the first time in ages I am Sober after celebrating another year passing. This specific year that has passed means so much to me & I am sure to many others. A huge outpouring of friends sending birthday messages, my family gathering for a dinner filled with fun & laughter, & being sober to experience & appreciate it all. Finally being that open book that no one needs to struggle to read or figure out the truth between the lines. I cannot thank everyone enough who has made this day so special, I cannot thank God enough for saving my life & allowing this day to occur for me. I did not want to be selfish today, I didn't want to seek anything but sober & spiritual time with my family & it ended up being so much more. Every minute of the day someone else shared the joy of today with me, well past the setting of the sun & into the night messages & calls still came in. I remember one year ago, as things in my life were starting to hit rock hard bottom & how far I was from any chance of experiencing the joy I felt today.

My last birthday was spent in desperation, financially strapped & withdrawing again I used every birthday resource to satisfy the terrible hunger coming out of the hole in my spirit & heart. I was merely a shell of a man who was not truly alive enough to enjoy the celebration of my own birth & blessing of having a place in this world. I didn't want to see family & got away as soon as I could to go stab myself with that hollow pin, the one that hollowed my life out. It was the beggining of the end of my addiction & another month of struggles ensued before I finally reached with the last bit of hope I had left outward for help from anyone who could help someone as lost as me. Prayers were made & like miracles were answered at the exact times I could no longer bear the pain caused by 14 years of spiritual devestation. Some people would say, "So it's your birthday, great, good for you & happy birthday." BUT it's SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. The percentage of people who can recovery from the hopeless state of life I was in is in the single digits, it almost seems acts of a higher power that even they get sober, and it is.

My higher power listened to my prayers, the right people, program, and all at the right times each step of the way. It was a devine plan that I had no control over nor power in.. only mere participation & faith that life was still worth living. There has never been something as important to me today as remaining sober so that I may have spirituality in my life. Sobriety for me & only me, is the only way I can accomplish this good life's living I have today. One drink or dose shatters all of my hope, happiness, & worthy ability to function, be of use, and survive in society. I have tried control, it never worked, I was controlled instead. It only takes one & I cannot remain spiritual, all of my heart, values, & integrity goes out the window. But today I have a solution not to take that first drink or drug. It's only because my prayers were answered & a program that gives its credit in working to a power greater than any of us exists.

I just want to take the time to thank God, My Family, My Friends, My Sponsor, and all of you, Just THANKS from the bottom of my heart. I forever work diligently & sometimes afraid, but my hardest none the less, to grow myself into a being of sound mind, body, & spirit that selflessly & without thought contributes good & loving things to each of your lives. So long as I am meant to be I have that purpose today. I sometimes wonder if people who have not endured this struggle can really understand what it is to feel like this, to love like this. You don't know what you've lost until its gone, I never want to lose myself again because falling in love with life is too hard. Now that I have this love for my life, all of you, & all that is.. I never want to experience a day without it again. If you care to comprehend this bold statement, thanks for being part of my life on my first birthday in the world I always belonged. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Beautiful Days - From Beautiful Ways

May 15. Once again I am mere minutes, say a half hour to midnight where I live. The significance of another passing day normally is that I have endured another day sober, without drink or drug to survive. Tonight however it signifies something a little different, it happens to be my birthday as the clock strikes 12. To most a birthday is a reason to reflect, celebrate, & perhaps let loose of a year of tensions. My 18th birthday I celebrated by buying legally my first pack of cigarettes via presentation of a legal state identification. My 21st birthday I traveled from bar to bar guzzling alcohol in celebration of legal consumption of many of my favorite drinks. The truth though is from nearly age 15 on, my birthdays contained a dark & secretive ghost. It was from that point on that I spent every year for the next 13 birthday's drinking, drugging, & dosing myself into oblivion. If family had to be a part of the celebration I would moderate doses or squirm in my skin waiting for the "formal" gathering to dissipate. At the first chance of isolation or outside the view of others I would begin a ritual of sensless spiritual destruction through careless intoxication. This is all an understatement, because not only did I selfishly feed my addiction that was young & growing but my character defects secretly grew in the darkness of the secrets I kept.

I can rattle on specific examples of how I managed to forget every single birthday I had the same day it fell on, but war stories & drunk-a-logs are not necessary. What matters most now is that I emphasize how good it feels to finally have a birthday in which I dont disgustingly build up another story of oblivion. For once I am eager to enjoy my life, my birth, & a passing year for all it has brought into my life & enabled me to do for others thusfar. For how little I am able to do up to this point & how short I am to spiritual wealth in my life, I feel still richer in spirit & happiness than I have ever been before. This has alot to say with how I spent my day & night today, how I prepared to celebrate my birthday differently for the first time in 13 years. Change. Oh it is hard, but it is worth every moment of it. Today I got to see a person eternally close to my heart marry the right man for her, seemingly a man's man, the man of her dreams. In past years I would have defected in seeing this great union, putting it down as second best to me & my insanity. I truly am for once happy for someone else, to be able to make someone who I am so deeply befriended.. so lovingly satisfied.

I got to witness this beautiful wedding with some of my closest friends & supporters in my battle against my greatest enemy, myself. It was truly their day & I am applauded it perhaps the loudest at times. As my problems are not theirs, they are my own, drinks were being served at the reception. I finished my dinner & made my rounds, respectfully, lovingly, & gratefully thanking all who had anything to do with making the event so magical for their part & presence. Upon leaving I got to keep a huge smile to myself for the two lovebirds, I guess when your alone & reflecting you get to truly know yourself more & notice your spiritual change consciously. The smile & joy lasted all the way to my arrival at our MARS Group sober barbecue. The party was also dedicated to two of us in the group that had birthdays coming in in the next few 24 hours. I was bombarded by friendship & love from my arrival to my departure. We had a meeting around the campfire, discussing our spiritual journies & sharing solutions & concerns.

I was without concern & have not had anything but a full & joyous heart from the time I arrived this morning to run my business. My anticipation for this day had me flowing over with optimism for everything I was to encounter. Maybe it was the positive thinking that has made this all so wonderful, or maybe its because I am changing. Each passing day & every principle I further parallel my life with, I become more the man I always wanted, no, was always meant to be. Afterall if this was not meant to be, or I was not meant to feel so grateful for all that is in & happing around my life, then my higher power surely would have interveined by now & put a stop to all of it. I guess its time I move this story of my great day of smiles to a pointed thought. After having a day like this, months of growth, more genuine & loving friends than I can count & a life to live that allows me to feel great about every bit of it, how could I ever want to spend another birthday in oblivion? Even when things are not the greatest, or I have not had a day like today where I can walk on air.. I never want to NOT feel my feelings again. I never want to miss out on another person or event that could bring me such happiness in my life, all over a selfish desire to destroy myself uncontrollably. I won't allow that & the only way I can be sure I won't is to continue to do what works in my life.

I & only I must follow the program & the 12 Steps that have gotten me this far & never stop. Others may not have to do this, perhaps one day my whole life will be filled with people who know nothing of what I do to be free. That is fine, I am the only one who has to do this, for me & all those who wish to have the best growing parts of me in their life. Did my day sound like I lived sobriety? If I didn't mention the fact that I didn't drink or take a drug all day, you would have just read a description of any normal person having a wonderful day... that may have had a drink or may not have. If I continue on this course I am free to continue on enjoying life like everyone else. Sounds like a deal to me.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Friday, May 14, 2010

Accepting Others - Willingness To Change

May 14. Its 11pm on friday night, in an hour I will have one day left before my 29th birthday. I hope this weekend is great for everyone, you don't need a birthday or any other special occasion to make a day, weekend, or even a week something special in your life. Just taking time to reflect on the many good things that hold us together & improve our daily life is enough sometimes. I had dinner w/ mom & dad tonight, our weekly friday ritual, and as always I enjoyed spending time with them. This side of me did not exist in the past without selfish motive attached. It's nice to see change this early in my recovery with our relationship, I am still very sick spiritually & any good changes are true signs of progress. Afterwards I went out to my home group meeting, arriving a half hour early. Some chit-chat before & a great topic once we started it was once again an enjoyable meeting.

I spent a few minutes talking with my sponsor, who is helping another newcomer much newer than myself. It's great to see him working with a "green" alcoholic/addict again. We all can benefit from working with others & offering our time/selves to others, I can see how much it takes him out of his 'self' & the life circumstances he is struggling through. I need to always remember what I see working around me, because when things storm up in my life, I need to know what works or potentially end up with a drink. That drink as any alcoholic knows leads to countless more, other chemicals, then oblivion which is second to the spiritual hole that prevails after each run we take. The great news is that relapse is not a requirement & I have not had the compulsion to drink or drug in many months, the suggestions are working & recovery seems bright. I am learning to accept certain things about myself, not to continue to allow them to rule me, but instead to work at changing them.

Its that same acceptance that was the topic at tonight's meeting. Its practiced in its simplest form when we admit we have a spritual, social, or physical disease that is preventing us from living a normal life, the life we actually want. Tonight was more of a discussion about how acceptance comes into play with others in our lives though. The topic passed around was more in the line of understanding that other people are who they are & we cannot change them, only ourselves. If we cannot continue to function normally with certain others in our lives, then we need to make decisions about ourselves that will return us to sanity, not point out what they are doing wrong & try to change them. In the end we may need to remove ourselves from a relationship with that person, or sometimes we just need to make changes within ourselves to not take them so seriously and allow ourselves to get resentments, fears, or other type of hurt that they can inflict upon us when we are spiritually invested in them.

Distance is not always a bad thing, it has saved many a men & women from taking that first drink, which I might add if we don't take that first one.. we cannot get drunk or high. That is my continued goal regaurdless of myself or others spiritual condition, is to not take that first drink & continue to show up as well as be willing to follow suggestions to discover what really works for me. Its not always promised that early on things will be instantly reverted to enjoyable & reasonably happy times, but it is promised that if I remain willing to change & learn that I will in time find reasonable happiness & more often then not feel the Serenity that is prayed for at the start of each function. So when we end up in a situation where others are hurting us, in any fashion due to their own defects, remember that if we point our finger at them there could be many more fingers pointing back at us & our own defects. Sometimes a simple change within that we find through hard work & being willing to change, can make all the difference in how our lives with others flows. So when hitting bumps in the road of all our relationships ALWAYS remain willing to change ourselves first, because others might not be so willing or able. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Character Defects - Preparing To Ask For Their Removal & Step 6

May 13. Hello friends, I hope your all enjoying the good life & what a good life it is. I am feeling good about myself, perhaps its just because I gave recognition that I walk a little more free today than every before. In any case its a great feeling to have, with work on ourselves we can all get there. Speaking of getting there.. I had a few places I had to get to myself today. I felt what I thought was a cold coming on this morning & tried to sleep some of it off, that may have worked because right now I am feeling fine. There is always the possibility of allergies that have developed or that I am aware of finally because I am not numb all the time. I got out of the house a little after 4 & headed down to meet with my counselor of many years at a county agency I was court ordered too in 2005. I never lost the desire to stop speaking to my friend there because as I just said she is more than a counselor but also a friend. Our sessions turn out often to be very productive.

It was a very productive session that brought her to "cut me loose" from a costly & weekly group that I was in the past mandated to attend. Mind you I voluntarily seek this treatment, but if I take any of it I have to follow all other recommendations. So this group was now off the mandatory agenda. I am glad because it was one that costs nearly 55 dollars a month & makes me miss a 12 Step meeting that is more in tune with my recovery goals. After that great session I went back home & leant a hand with some things that had to get caught up, like garbage that needed to be taken out & cleaned up. Time flies & it was again the moment to be heading out, this time to a 12 Step group meeting I support a few miles from my house. I got there & the topic was the 6th step, which was picked after a wonderful speakers story. The step says, "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character". With the understanding that the word "God" means your higher power as you understand it.

Although being only actively on my fourth step, my knowledge of this step is something that may help others. I only know what I do about it because of people like my friend Mark & my sponsor who read within the Big Book with me. I had an early craving for an understanding of what the 12 Steps were capable of doing for me before I actually took any of them. Through reading & listening to the explinations from others I have found out this one thing, that matters largely for identifying what we are asking our higher power to remove when taking the 6th Step. Our defects of character can be in the hundreds, even thousands, when we look at our selves closely, honestly, & without fear of the truth. Those countless defects however only fit into four main defects that we all as spiritually growing people have. Those four are Selfishness, Resentment, Dishonesty, & Fear. The one that I find behind so many of my defects, but not all, is Fear. My fears have driven so many bad choices & also drive so many of my personal defects that it is certainly worth not only a second look, but millions of looks if necessary.

The Steps are not something we complete then are done, we always dig up, experience, or create more which requires constant use of these 12 Steps in our life. I know that it is only however by the grace of my Higher Power that I am relieved of any of my troubles & of use to anyone else in society. Being ready for our higher power to remove our defects of character means that we must have already taken a thorough look at ourselves without fear, bias, or dishonesty & found our part in all of our wrongs ect. This is why in the 5th Step I assume sharing with your higher power all of your fears, resentments, dishonesty, & selfishness as well as with another human being, we become more aware of them, of anything we may have missed, or anything new we may have adopted into our newly spiritual hearts that may need to be addressed as well. All of this is to prepare us for this 6th Step, where we ask that same Higher Power that relieved us of our insanity, that is now running our will & our lives, that we have a relationship with.. to finally take away the things about us that hinder our ability to fully recover & do the works of spiritual nature.

I look in the mirror today long enough to examine the man I have become, that is part to due with the fact that in the past I was so ashamed, so empty, so dishonest & resentful, and so selfish that I could not bear to look back into those eyes. Today that is not an issue in my life. I am not in love with myself in a narcissistic fashion, but I do indeed love myself realizing I am sober & in the grace of my higher power every given moment of each day. The path to get this far was not easy, I feel that I may not even have faced my hardest challenges yet, but with the help of the same Higher Power that will later remove my defects of character & shortcomings (on it's own time not mine) I will face these challenges for the better of my life & those around me. Thanks for listening in, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend which for many starts after work & before I do my next entry. To all of you, be safe, be spiritual & if your an alcoholic or drug addict by all means.. Please be Sober! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Relapse Prevention - Living The Solution

May 12. Hi friends & readers, I have survived another day Sober & semi-sane :) Wednesday was not all that bad, but there was some disturbing points to note. I got up early & set out in search of a friend, I never found him but did end up seeing a family member out & about as well as my best friend of over 15 years now. It was a great way to start off the morning & I spent a majority of the day enjoying playing games & drinking coffee in his company. The afternoon quickly led to evening & I rushed home to see my mom for a while. We spent a few good hours working on presentation displays to show merchandise I recently aquired for my business then she made dinner. I slid a few big bites down & out the door to go do some service work for a meeting in need of help. 48 cups of coffee being brewed later & a few tables & chairs and things were set up. The meeting switched chairmen because the fellow who also volunteered his time was not well & needed to go home & rest. I was especially glad I was there to help because of this, otherwise he would have to do it on his own & I never want another alcoholic to have to do anything alone.

I tried so many times to do things myself, my own way, with no help & I failed. Not only did I fail often, I also fell into insanity just as freqently. Its good to lend a helping hand, get out of myself, & get spiritual in service of others. The meeting had a few moments of welcomed silence that lasted for minutes sometimes, there were few who had much to say, but much of what was said was valueable & so many of us needed to hear. As the meeting closed I again enlisted my services to clean up, after we were done I realized something had been unfolding upon the closing of the meeting. A young man who I have seen before wearily stood on the steps of the church, talking to Sober friends in desperation from what was an apparent relapse. His condition, his tone, and the predominant self will he was using to set his own terms upon which he wanted help.

It was all but bearable, seeing a vision of myself a mere 11 months ago. I remember wanting to chose what facility I went to rehab, based on what help I thought I needed. I didn't want to detox in jail or a hospital where no one would understand my struggles. I wanted everything on my terms & I knew nothing of what I truly needed. Perhaps this young man's relapse was preventable, but then again if I were asked if mine was prior to commiting to sobriety, my answer would be "Absolutely not". I had to suffer it all one more time, to understand the necessary, to reveal what I must do. Everything boiled down to that I had to do everything I didn't know how to, I had to do things someone else's way & turn my will over to someone who could help me out of the bottomless pit of withdrawl & torment I had hit. My journey is no where near the end, but today I understand what I must do to prevent a relapse like this in my life.

Although I am sober many months more than this person, the disease does not discriminate. If we stop doing what is necessary to get our daily relief from its chokehold, it will strangle us. The things I have learned to do thusfar were outside my realm of thinking, some parts still are but I do them because I know no way myself & have faith that what worked for those before me WILL WORK FOR ME, if I chose to work it. I must go to meetings, how often is based on my spiritual condition & I have determined that since I had used drugs & alcohol every day for the past few years, that I should definitely get my ass to a meeting everyday now. That wasn't all though, it was told to me that I must also secure a sponsor & a home group if I wanted to stay sober. That I must do service work to humble myself & learn the value of getting outside myself and into spiritual service. I was to follow the suggestions of my sponsor as though he were suggesting that I pull the rip cord for my parachute if I were skydiving. I have not followed all of these perfectly, but I work all of these suggestions to the best of my ability & that is all that is necessary for me to grow instead of receed into the clutches of my disease.

The final few suggestions I heard, there are many more that are not minor but can do with later mention at another time, those two were as follows: Not only do, but incorporate the 12 Steps into your life through the guidance of another alcoholic that has completed them & is sober themselves. Not to just incorporate them, but to live them on a daily basis. And the last thing was to help another alcoholic in recovery, regaurdless of the amount of time or knowledge I have in the program I can contribute something to the newly sober. Working with another alcoholic was in the end, the ultimate fail safe as explained because some how through a miracle, helping others helps us stay sober. The rooms in which the 12 steps are taught & the fellowships meet are not rooms of gossip, but the truth is known when a fellow alcoholic is not working, following, or living the 12 steps to the best of their ability. I am not sure if this recently relapsed man was even taken through the first step with a sponsor or friend, but I do know this.. If I WORK THESE STEPS in my life, If I LIVE THESE STEPS, and I TEACH THESE STEPS to another alcoholic, I will not drink or use a drug. Thank you for listening.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

There Is No Spiritual Grades - Growing From Mistakes & Failures

May 11. As most nights I am getting on near midnight, just about Wednesday morning now. I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am to have this outlet to share with my friends & family, some of whom I barely know in person but know well in spirit. It's funny how when we get past the skin, bone & DNA that makes us individual people, how similar we all are in a spiritual sense. We share so many of the same struggles & victories when we look past the specific people, places & things that they are composed of. Its these similarities that gives a complete stranger in my life the ability to relate, share their own experience, & teach me how to survive any challenge without giving in to a drink or a drug, and even often without allowing alcoholic or diseased thinking to take prescidence in my mind. I went to my usual tuesday night meeting tonight, it was there that I saw my recently deceased friend's fiance. Her troubles & heartache, although not the same as my own, are something that I have experienced & if nothing else I can be there to listen when answers are not evident to either of us.

After our talk I left her with a big hug & urged her on to the company of close friends that have been helping her deal with the loss in her life. I admire her strength for continuing to follow the suggestions & the principles that make up Sober Living. Her ability to deal with this situation in a sober manner gives me hope that I may too accomplish the same when similar tests enter my life. If I pick up a drink or drug, I stop living & begin marching to an alergic, obsessed, and early diseased death, imprisonment, or confinement. I can learn many lesson's from my friend's strength & I continue to marvel at the way our fellowship guides her to the answers necessary to live on sober & sound.

After the meeting the rain & stormy conditions were terrible in my area, mirrors & windows fogged I backed into a friend's car bumper. The soft but noticable touching of our cars made me get out & check for damage. My car was fine & the corner of his bumper was dimpled in slightly. My old alcoholic ways would have said "there are no witnesses, lets leave", but a new & inspired man lives within me today. I stayed there for many moments & waited for the fellow to come outside, told him what happened & gave him my information to get it repaired. Doing the next right thing in life feels right, this is not the only instance in the past few months I have gotten to enjoy feeling good about a mistake I made. It seems almost impossible for someone to feel good about making a mistake, but its owning our mistakes & learning to do the right things about them that makes it so rewarding. I feel spiritually stronger having passed another minute test of my sober survival skills.

I'm not looking for a grade in Sobriety, no A+ or C- for a passing score. That is not the purpose of my devotion to spirituality. Its more so that I can take any of my failures & through the help & strength of others, learn how to find victory in each of them. If that requires me to change another aspect of my life, then so be it, change can be a blessing and I know so from reflecting on changes already in my life. The only failure possible for me today would be giving up on my journey for change & serenity.. doing so I would be willingly returning to my old addicted ways. Today through my higher power's grace I have the will for many great things, but have lost the will to allow alcoholism a rule over my life.

I have taken a personal vow to share & teach anything I know about spiritual life & sobriety, while understanding I don't know much so I must always remain the student to do so for anyone else. It is this dual role that I must humbly continue to take on if I am to pass the continuous tests that we call daily life. I could never have imagined the insight, the strength, nor the ability to try so many new things, it was others who have loaned their own to me that makes this possible. So I hope that today we all can be inspired not to make the grade, but continue to learn & grow so that each test we face in life can be survived soberly & spiritually. I hope that we can be inspired to learn new ways of surviving these tests & share them with others so that they can find what works for them. The world is a much brighter place when seen through clear eyes, perceived through a clear mind, and heard through clear ears. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Monday, May 10, 2010

How To Shrink Problems - More Is Less?

May 11. Its minutes before midnight as I start this entry, time ticking slowly into Tuesday morning. My monday was just a fine day in my life & I hope it was the same in all of yours. I have to say looking back that this project of a spiritual blog is not quite what I had imagined it to be upon its creation, but it has become exactly what it should be, an outlet for my Spiritual issues & discoveries & a place to share my strength, hope, & experience with others. There is on better way to start then with a recap of some better points in my day. A notable thing that made me happy today was actually getting motivated early, enjoying dinner while talking to mom, & getting out the door with enough time to not speed for an on-time arrival at MARS Group. Much to my suprise a great friend, my sponsor, made it to our group this evening. His presence at any function or meeting I attend gives me a sense that I am in the right place. We had a great meeting with many important topics to go around. Hearing others get sound advice for their struggles & release trapped up pain & emotions helps me. It teaches me what to do with my own problems & how to go about identifying the solutions offered by others with experience.

Other than stopping to socialize at the end of another meeting & going out for a coffee that ended my day thusfar. I got to enjoy a phone call from my sponsor & resisted enjoying talking to him so I could instead enjoy listening to him. Sometimes its difficult to do that, but the more I do it I grow spiritually. Unfortunately & fortunately at the same time I am not the center of the universe. Anything & everything does not pertain to me at any given moment. I can grow from becoming one with this concept, in a world of so many who are caught up in living for themselves its hard to see another's journey with sentimental eyes. Its difficult to listen without selfish ears, and difficult to speak without a selfish tongue. Who would have though that this would be an intimate concern & direction my life would take, who could have imagined it 10 months ago with drugs coursing through my veins & madness in my eyes.

It would do good to mention how allowing the focus to be on someone else makes our own problems weaker. They lose their strength on the spiritual stranglehold they capture us in. The longer we stay sober & giving to another's spiritual growth & development, the easier it becomes for us to work on our own. This does not mean we must solely focus on others, because reality says we begin this journey very spiritually sick. It instead means that in order to become spiritually well we must maintain a healthy balance of the two. The more I observe this necessary balance the better my life becomes. The more I give of myself to others in the many ways I can, the more my problems become less. More is less, more is more, less is more, less is less. I said that line not as a fact, but as a way to help us all focus on what is missing from our own personal equation. Where in that sentence do we stand on any given are of our life. What must we do to achieve that balance that gives way to spiritual wellness.

If we truly come to terms with the reality that life does not revolve around us, then we stand a chance at enjoying the fact that we can be a part of many great things that revolve around life, which includes ours as well as the countless others who we encounter. For me to be able to keep blanance in my life I personally must be Sober, because of my physical allergy to chemicals that causes compulsion & obsession which is a major part of my spiritual disease. I must be Spiritual & grow along such lines. I must work on myself to make improvements as a necessity to accomplish any of it. And finally I must offer my "improved self" to others in service, be that listening, talking to, or doing for another in need of my strength, hope, or experience in their life. One area where I struggle is learning that if I do not have the needed strength, hope, or experience another needs, I must be silent & at the same time be open to listen if open ears is all that person seeks at the moment. When the answers come or the person with them is clear I can always later direct them to the one who has them.

I hope you enjoyed reading this entry, it is something that continues to fascinate me & improve my life when I work at it. Like all valuable lessons in life, I have had to fail at this, succeed at this, and realize its importance & effictiveness for doing the work my higher power intended me to do. That work is to live a happy life, full of days spent improving myself to aid in improving other's days. What more can we ask for than happiness, warmth, & shelter from our worst enemy... mine being myself. I would love to hear other spiritual messages & experiences shared, you are always welcome to share with us all in the comments box. Please be inspired & inspire others, life is too short to not be. Good Night... Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Mother's Day Reflection - Selflessness

May 10. Sunday has come & passed, the celebration of Mother's Day still rings in my mind. I got to see my mom only for a few minutes today as she selflessly once again stopped up to bring things up to help my business. Its her constant love & acts of doing for her children & husband without concern for herself many times that inspires me often. It's a principle in the 12 Step program I shape my life with that says in order to maintain spiritual fitness & be well we must selflessly help others. What better an example to imagine that concept when looking at our own mothers, I can be sure that she is a fine example of that particular principle. I am sure of it as I am sure that my getting Sober was a miracle & still is an ongoing one today.

In one week I will be celebrating my birthday, in the past I anticipated selfish gains & intoxication with chemicals into oblivion from such a day. This year I see it much differently, as I am humble enough to actually feel gratitude for not only living one more year but also experiencing so much growth during it. For the first time I feel like that selfless principle is working in my life, as the only thought that comes to mind is as soon as I get out of work next Sunday I want to see my family & enjoy them on my birthday. They have had the hardship as well as the relief of my addiction & sobriety on their shoulders since my birth. I see no better way to amplify that relief than by spending, what is for most a "selfish" day, with my family instead of persuing spiritually empty endeavors.

Today was purposeful as I was running my business but I also get to help someone else, as I am paying an old friend who has nothing but the shirt on his back & a good heart to work for me. He isn't the perfect salesman, he isn't even great with cusotmers, but he is honest & kind. He got out of his "self" and above the expectations that I hired him to fill, he does it out of friendship & ability. He is not an alcoholic nor addict & it is wonderful to see him unaware of his wonderful "spiritual characteristic" that his higher power has instilled in him. He is so unaware of spiritual principles & lifestyle, and so honestly purely kind in heart, that if I mentioned the concept to him he would literally say, "Uhhh what the hell are you talking about, whats that mean?". That is not to put him down, that is to say he is a beautiful person in his innocent & natural kindness.

I work hard on myself, sometimes desperately trying to break myself from old thinking, behaviors, & habits when it comes to "selfish" things & ways. It is often difficult to do, how difficult depends on how much I want to resist it. When someone has truly surrendered to the powerlessness over their disease & desperately desires change for the sake of peace & happiness, it is then that they suddenly are given the power to accomplish such change. The only thing needed at that point is others willing to show that person a new way. Selfless people like the ones in the 12 Step fellowship I belong, they do it for no motive whatsoever. There is no money to be earned by helping another, there is not social status, there is no fame to be gained as they remain anonymous to the public. There is only a will to give back what was so freely given to them.

I hope that this message tonight inspires all who read it to treat every day like Mother's Day. We need to always give back to those special people in our lives who have contributed to it selflessly time & again. It does not only have to be your mother that you treat with such standards, but all those who have given to you & those you love. Change the lives of someone for the better, out of the love for the very same persons who changed your own life or lit your path away from darkness. As we see in today's tortured society being a parent or legally binded person does not force us to give of ourselves in a spiritual manner to others, merely in a financial manner. My point in case is child support, alimony, spousal support, and countless other ways to take care of an obligation without giving one's "self" as well. It goes so deeper than that alone, into the day to day lives of us all, there are opportunities we let get past us to get out of our selves, to give of ourselves, to hand over all our worth & talents to someone else so that their life journey may be one step farther, one shade brighter, and one heartbeat stronger than before. If being yourself is being in this world for others, then your a truly a great being. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Hurting Others - The Wake Of Self Hatred

May 08. Well Friday is done, I hope all of my friends out there had a great one. Mine was average & by that I mean nothing drastic happened. Each day is a new adventure & I have to honestly say that they keep getting better, but it happens so slowly that I have to look back to realize it sometimes. I am so much father along than when I started this journey 9 months ago. The difference is even evident in my writings since January in this blog. So I may as well run down my day, I know certain readers want to know & others want to grow, like me :) I got to actually doing anything constructive when it came down to dinner time, meeting my mom & dad down at our favorite Chinese Buffet. I had such a bad stomach ache last night I thought I had an internal injury or something was stabbing me. Tonight there was no sign of that pain & I was thankful that it was hopefully a one time event. Dinner was good, I really need that time with my parents face to face, growing a relationship.

On the note of relationship growing, I had all but given up on a friend some time ago. Last night he attended his first meeting in 6 months with me, he even joined a group & made some steep commitments that I did not expect from him. He had said he would go to 90 meetings in 90 days as suggested by many & just see what kind of improvements come about in his life as a whole. To my dissapointment he left for the weekend, totally blowing off the commitment to himself which I was to help him with as far as giving him a ride daily. Helping another helps me greatly & I had an added interest in this specific person being an old suffering friend. I realize more than ever that Sobriety & Spiritual Living is for those who WANT it, not for those who NEED it.

I attended the meeting & all was great, my sponsor is going through some life circumstances of his own & was very brief but as always there if I truly had a problem. I felt compelled seeing his own weight to carry in Sobriety, to let him know what he means to me & my spiritual development. It's nice to pick up others. I spent a few hours having coffee & playing cards with two friends of mine afterward then headed home. I was reflecting on days gone past and a friend was chatting with me online. I looked back at all the times I selfishly hurt someone, broke my commitments, or did damage to many inconsiderately. I compared it to the person I have become today.

Deep down within all my heart & soul I truly don't want to hurt another, I never did. My disease in years past had caused me to push my deepest desires & my inner self aside, allowing an abomination of a man to rule for many years. I crushed people's hearts, stomped on their pride, took their wealth & lured them into contributing to my own selfish gains. That dark devil within me was alcoholism, its hunger never ceased & still does not to this day. It lives in so many of us, even those of us that never have touched a drink or drug. Its a social, mental, physical & spritual disease that can destroy lives.. & it destroyed mine.

It took this destruction for me to shed that shell of evil that surrounded me, I had finally hurt one too many persons I cared for & myself one too many times. It is only through the grace of my higher power, the 12 steps, & living by spiritual principles that I am able to prevent that alcoholic monstrosity from hurting someone again. I love myself enough today to keep doing what is necessary for my alcoholism to be relieved. It's a daily process of simple good living among the world around me, just a little different than others do. If someone was to live in the same residence as me they would not know I was alcoholic if I told them nothing & if I never said "I'm going to a meeting". They would just see me come & go, perhaps thinking that I liked to take naps in between my duties & activities. Thats not how it used to be, anyone living with me before, even a child, would know that something was greatly wrong about my life & that I was unhappy.

That is why I long to help others & I also pray for them to be ready to want it. Does it hurt to see people go on not loving themselves? Unhappy with their conditions of life, their actions, their compulsions & thoughts? Yes it does hurt to see that, as it hurt others to see it in me. But we all somehow find a way to accept that it's not our responsibility to save the world, but help where we can & where it will be recieved. Often our efforts are wasted, sometimes we cannot tell if we did more good than bad for a person's situation.. but I must say this. I would rather be known for helping more than I should, than ever be known to hurt another person intentionally again. I have found happiness in the feeling I have that compells me to give good things in life to others, maybe that is what has driven me to grow spiritually. Regaurdless of failed attempts, there will always be someone else that dislikes themselves (even if its a temporary feeling) & I am ever devoted to sharing my experience with others. I want to give the gift of learning to Love My Life to others as long as my higher power wills it to be. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Friday, May 7, 2010

A Brief Story Of A Miracle Day

March 7. Hey friends its just a click past thursday night heading into friday morning. I want to write a full blog topic but I will do it later as I was just falling asleep doing my nightly reading, unless I somehow muster up further energy. I do want to briefly speak about my day & something that I noticed about myself that I am proud to share. I devoted my day to helping a friend of over a decade find some spiritual answers for himself. I took him to see a fellow native american (which is his heritage not mine per say) who is not only in recovery but a retired professional counselor of many years. Their talk went so well & he was filled with a sort of confidence I haven't seen in his prior attempts at living a Sober & Spiritual life. My every hope & the feeling of this being the right person and the right time to open new doors in his life was correct. As an alcoholic in recovery my job is to carry the message any way possible, and there are many ways to do it, even putting someone in front of someone else they may better relate or listen to. We then went with a beginners "sheet" to help him discover himself better over the next few weeks/months, making a stop at my house so I could give him a gift that was so freely given to me, a copy of the Big Book, aka the text of the 12 Steps & how to apply them to our lives. We enjoyed a visit with my mom, coffee, dinner & then off to the meeting in the evening. Having armed him with the resources to now do his "own footwork" I had with my native helper friend gotten him to commit to doing 90 meetings in 90 days. He agreed to just see what it brings forth in his life, any positive changes obviously welcomed. So we started the journey together as I promised he would not have to do this alone & I meant it. On the way to the meeting I experienced very sharp pains in what seems to be my stomach. They were so bad I had to pull over not once, but twice. He in consideration for me had said he would not want me to risk my health over a little meeting, I insisted. I felt this pain once before as it awoken me from a dead sleep to curling over with agony. Not sure still what it is, but I stayed there, a mile from the meeting waiting for it to become bearable. It wasn't until i prayed to my higher power to help me ease the pain so that I could be of service to this friend & accompany him to a meeting that may very well save & change his life.. that & then the pain began to subside. It was never completely removed for I am feeling it now still, but some color returned to my skin & I was able to walk & speak unlike its first to assaults on me. We endured the meeting & even stayed late for a 'group business meeting' where my friend officially joined the group. I can say this, I am proud to carry the message & am undergoing a week of Spiritual phenominon as my higher power has somehow healed my suffering twice when I needed to be in service of others. You can believe what you wish, but I am more sure than ever that my path is the correct one, that I not only belong but it is something for me to share with those who want it. Not always will those who need this program or change in their life come to it, it is only those who WANT it that will find the grace that comes with it & that is the grace of my higher power. A power that twice in one week had answered my needs the exact moment I asked it to. May all of you be well until I am feeling well enough to write, wether later or in the morning. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Placing Principles Before Personalities - A Tradition Talk

May 05. Happy CincoDeMayo everyone, I hope I spelled that correctly! My day was almost uneventful. I woke up feeling like I was coming down with something, headache, sore, & even a little stuffy. The possibility of a hay fever or newly developed alergy is possible, but in any case this evening I feel much better. So maybe the extra rest I got today was much needed & I was just overdone & needed to relax like I did. I took a commitment for the Month of May at a group I like to attend on wednesdays. So I headed down early to meet the chairperson & set up. We had a nice chat & made the coffee/set up the meeting material etc. During the meeting a great topic came up that I will later mention, but first I want to say something else. It's no coincidence that I volunteered to help out this month & was "obligated" to come out & help others today, this all happening at a time of loss & during a 'messy' few days in my sobriety. After the meeting I helped clean up & then left, calling a friend to set up a meeting to help another friend I am concerned about.

I got home to a beautiful starlit sky, finishing the conversation I took advantage of the alone time in the dark to pray while stargazing. It was a great moment for me to connect to my higher power & reflect on my day. I am becoming more connected with my higher power these past few days & despite my woes I have never felt better in a spiritual sense. Reverting back to the topic at the meeting, although it was not formerly said that this was the topic, "Placing Principles Before Personalities" was the actual theme. I had shared my take on a few situations & the one that started the whole discussion, but I would rather share in general with you all about whats important about this concept.

In the world we so often encounter all sorts of personalities, with these comes drama, laughter, sadness, anger, peace of mind.. all sorts of things are activated in us spiritually as we encounter each person during our day. The concept of placing principles before personalities is rather simple, but in contrast difficult to follow. In my basic interpretation of it, a person must always keep their spiritual princicples in the foreground of their mind, regaurdless of the personality they are interacting with. This means if we perhaps are in love with someone, our spiritual principles must be first not our emotions for the personality we love. If someone makes us angry, we have to place our principles before our outlet of anger if we don't we can spiritual damage ourselves in rection to that emotion. Maybe a group of people has a huge drama-tic situation occuring, when really according to our spiritual principles its no big deal & we need to worry about ourselves.. that would mean getting involved is placing those personalities before our principles, something we can't do to be spiritually healthy.

The bottom line is that we must never place a personality, even if its our own, before our spiritual princicples or we will end up failing our spiritual goals for that second, minute, year, or however long doing so subsequently affects us. Little things we think are just okay to let past our principles can come back to affect us later & sometimes we are unable to identify this. I am not the best at upholding this tradition, I sometimes place personalities before my principles. Most times when I do this either immediately or soon after I notice something bothering me, hurting me, making me angry, or somehow otherwise affecting me emotionally which damages me spiritually if I don't then deal with it in a healthy manner. The reality is that if I had placed my principles first I would not have ended up having to deal with whatever effect was brought over me. So here's to placing whats important first! For me its my sobriety & my relationship with my higher power, its the principles that make that relationship possible & as seamless as I can manage to make it. Whatever the came, put your principles first & you will come out a winner like so many have won before us. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy