Wednesday, February 24, 2010

What Works, Works! - The Disease & Method Passed On

Feb 24. Hey guys & gals, for wednesday I can't complain. The only exciting news I got today was that we might get buried in a few feet of snow up here in the northeast. No news doesn't keep me from having plenty to talk about thought. Afterall if I don't share whats going on, my disease stands a much greater chance of sneaking back up on me. In fact its almost gauranteed that if an addict/alcoholic goes on too long without sharing where they are at, they will eventually crumble. There is a line in the text of the 12 step program that states, "rarely have we seen a person fail who has thouroughly followed our path". That line is there for a reason, because the opposite is true, rarely has a person been seen successful in recovery who has not thoroughly followed their path. Today was a great day for me to just sit back and realize that "what works, works". It has been working for over 75 years to help miracles occur in the successful recovery of alcoholics and addicts across the world.

I took a little time to actually think about how far back this problem in my life really goes. And how long overdue the solution was. Everything happens for a reason I believe today, and my finding a spiritual way of life was no accident or at the wrong time. I think what has happened in my past was meant to be in order to shape me to the person I am today and will become tomorrow. But the disease goes back much further and is much bigger than just what lies or laid within me at its greatest point. In religions & histories around the world addiction dates back as far as civilizations themsevles. Its rather unfortunate that the method of recovery that actually works was not discovered fully until approximately seventy five years ago. A few of them are worth listing though to better paint a picture of how old this disease truly is.

There are counts of native american tribes having their medicine men become "unwelcomed" in the tribe's day to day lives unless an emergency and need for their rare substances & cures were needed. They had to live outside the immediate confines of the rest of the tribe.. ie.. a tent in the woods. The accounts of some were said as they got "lost in the spiritual tools" which for many tribes were mind altering substances found in plants & other natural means. In china & the western world epidemic of people being sick & even dying from poppy extract was accounted in ancient history & folklore. Its a well known fact that poppy plants produce all modern opiates & heroin. The people who developed these problems typically died from the ingestion of poppy extract.. ie overdose.. or from ilness related to getting out bad "spirits" .. ie detoxification. Before modern rehabs, a person's only hope was to survive an unassisted detox and then hope for no further exposure to the substances that they were addicted to.

There were no programs to help restructure a person's life nor was there a social understanding that it was a disease. The addicts were namely seen as selfish persons who lived their life by choice rather then by the truth, which is that in all addicts the luxury that is enjoyed by people who can take or leave a substance is bypassed at some point and becomes a necessity. Only detoxification, or sobering up, and a change in life that offers support for abstenance continually was the proven method for recovery which was attempted in the early 1900's by the oxford group, later evolving to the proven and effective 12 step method I use in my life today. Can we see how old this evil disease really is now? Its much bigger than any one person can imagine. With the re-legalization of alcohol in America after prohabition the size of the disease flourished and has continued to do so "legally" before the eyes of millions who have never had the "itch" to fall victim to it.

Thats not to say that anyone that touches or tries a substance is an addict. That is by no means true. I can say this though from my personal account. Had I never tried or had the option to try alcohol or drugs my addiction may never have been discovered. Thats not to spring up a bunch of 'what if's', whats happened is for a reason. I can only be greatful today for having my Sobriety and following the path that is so freely shown to me by others. The men and women whom have succeeded before me come back everyday to support the newly sober and solidify those with long standing recovery. They do it for no money, no social praise as we are anonymous in what groups we operate, they simply do it because it was done for them. Those first one hundred people who gathered to do this for one another began to do it for others. One city spread to ten, and soon after the whole world was filled with the message of hope. Hope that they too could recover from a hopeless state of mind, body, & spirit.

I want to thank those first 100 that set out to do the work of a power greater than themselves. My higher power as a matter of fact, whom I call God. It doesn't matter what you call it, or if its male, female or for me neither. Its just knowing that something great is out there and it has blessed all of us. Even the sick and suffering, the hopeless addicts like me who got a chance at a second life. My life today would not be the same, I might not have made it this far at the rate I was going. I can only be glad that its 2010 and that recovery is an option for me today. To be outcasted by my family, my tribe, my city or country like was the way ages ago would have meant certain death for me. May we all be greatful for our lives, they aren't so bad today. Look back and appreciate that we are not so unfortunate as our ancestors, our higher power has blessed us with discoveries over the years. Those discoveries are things we take for granted even in "normal" life, not just for addicts. I cannot show enough thanks for the people who have showed me that "WHAT WORKS, WORKS!" For now.. Good Night. Good Mornin... <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Respect Whats First - Sobriety Before All

Feb 23. Terrific Tuesday? I dunno but I learned some things and found a new respect for someone that I didn't feel much towards before. I will get to that in a few minutes but I like to share my day so lets start with waking up as mom was getting ready for work. I didn't know what I had planned today other than a meeting at night, but it ended up good. I saw a good friend in the AM and by noon was on my way to hang out with my best friend for a little while. After about three hours he had to pick up his kids and I was on my way back home myself. I ran into another friend at a gas station where I stopped for coffee. It seemed like wherever I went I was seeing quality people that I had met or rekindled with since my Sobriety's beginning. I don't think its a coincidence that I saw friends everywhere I went today, I think that its a reflection of what happens when you live your life by spiritual means. You just end up making friends where you go. I can only thank my higher power for such a blessing of wonderful people in my life, perhaps he is working through them to make my Sobriety something to cherish.

A short while after the last run-in with someone I got the call from my mom that she was leaving work and it was an early day. Perfect timing because it saved me the trip of having to go home and wait, today was one of those days nothing seemed out of place. We met up for our usual gas fill up together on tuesdays and she followed me home as the snow began to fall. I got a quick hair cut once we got there and hopped in the shower. By the time I had gotten out several inches had fallen outside where I live in PA, I was shocked by the rapid snowfall & accumulation. I am just as shocked when I see someone at a meeting and the next day I hear they are back out using or drinking. Like a rapid snowfall the progression of our disease can be just as rapid and the accumulation of pressure to collapse happens just as quick through holding in or harboring dangerous feelings or cravings. I didn't associate the two in a vivid compairson until I got out to the meeting later on but first I stopped at the Cigar shop to get my clove smokes, probably the one vice left I enjoy that is physically bad for me.

The snow was so bad outside that I ended up late to the meeting by about 20 minutes, arriving the same time as another gentleman. He happened to be the one I spoke about having little respect for prior. It seemed that he lived his life of Sobriety in tension and anger. From his prior sharing and others it was explained that he was even more angry in the past, which is hard to imagine for me but evidently a scary truth. He never seemed to have anything in Sobriety that I "wanted" in my own so I often didn't give him much credit for the program he was working. Tonight I heard something different from him on the way in though, something noteworthy of my respect. He had mentioned how he had broken off a relationship with a sober woman whom I also know, to be truthful she is a beautiful woman and quite a catch for him. That is in my opinion, others may see it differently as she must have seen something different also to be interested in him so. In any case, he chose to break off the relationship he really enjoyed so much. I could tell by his demeanor and voice that he loves this woman.

The point I am trying to make is that this man knew something was coming before his Sobriety. He expressed how she was endangering his emotions, that things were not all peachy in the relationship. He broke it off to keep his sobriety intact, no matter his own feelings he did what was going to save his life and keep him from the next drink.. the fatal drink. I admire that courage, that sacrifice, and that dedication to his Sobriety. I only hope that if the day came that a relationship posed a threat to my Sobriety that I would too chose to have none before I took that drink. As we get to know people more and more and always keep an open mind, we can learn to respect even some people we thought we never could. There is something inside each person, no matter how sick or unnatractive they may be to us in whatever fashion we are seeing, that can make us proud of them and feel a little bit of respect. Not everyone can be perfect, nor be what we want them to be. But they are who they are.. a human being. I await the day that I meet a person who loves me as much as I have grown to love my Sobriety, and when I do I will pray that they never become jealous of my Sobriety. Its a hard thing to do, to let something go that you know you must, and hope it comes back changed like a butterfly from the cocoon. If it doesn't, its whats meant to be. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Monday, February 22, 2010

Inventory Weekend - Not Just For Business People

Feb 22. Hey friends, thanks for your patience while I bounced back from the crazy weekend. What a weekend of progress too. Not from the standpoint of the business at the market, sales were low, but with so much I gained & accomplished with my sponsor on the visit to his house on saturday. I will talk more about it but first let me say this, I was so worn out from little sleep that sunday wiped me out completely. I literally slept sunday night around midnight all the way to monday afternoon. I have been taught when things get crazy to stop & take care of myself because health is important. I almost didn't do that, but in hindsight I am so glad I had the opportunity to catch up. Tonight was also a great night, the MARS Group was cancelled so I went to my usual homegroup meeting in Moscow. It happened to be a man's 5 year celebration in Sobriety & my sponsor was the guest speaker.

His message was not only informative but inspiring as we have dealt with alot of the same issues. There was plenty I couldn't relate to as well, which often times for me keeps a persons story interesting. A change from the 'same old same old' so to speak is always a good thing. Thats exactly what Saturday night was for me too. I used to do my Step Work & Big Book Readings with another gentleman than my sponsor due to time & availability issues. Because I had started talking as of late about my complacency with that part of my recovery, it was starting to come to the attention of my sponsor that I was "stuck" and needed to move ahead. On Saturday after I closed my shop up we met at his house to address my current situation that was hindering progress.

We hung out for a few minutes & caught up but were quick to move right to reading in the Big Book together because we wanted to take advantage of most of the time we had together. We picked up primarily where I had left off with my previous help, back tracking slightly to refamilarize myself with the work we were about to move into. What we did next was something that was spiritually moving to me. I had been told by others who had taken this step in their Sobriety that once done things would change in the way I think. That is if I truly meant the words I spoke and the directed them with willingness to follow through to my higher power. The prayer as spelled out in the Big Book went something like this.. those of you who have not yet named your higher power might just say 'higher power' but mine is named God, neither male nor female might I add...

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will Always!"

Prior to taking this step I had taken quite a many 24 hours to decide if I was ready to abandon my self to the will of my higher power. When I thought long and hard I had come to the realization that now Sober, none of my dreams, hopes, or wishes were anything It would not already want in my life already. Most of my current actions displayed a willingness to do what was right for fellow man and right for myself. With all these realizations I had been eager to complete this prayer in front of a witness as suggested by the program.. And when I did I FELT INCREDIBLE. It was a sense of happiness with myself that I could finally ask for non-selfish motive in all actions in my life. I know that I cannot perfectly uphold such a model task, but I ask for my higher powers help to do my best. My best I WILL DO so long as I continue to follow the path of Spirituality & live in the Light rather than the selfish darkness my life consisted of for so long. My will had gotten me into the hell I lived, it caused the breeding and growth of that downward spiral. It surely is time to have some one else's will be done than mine, its the formula for success. What would my higher power have of me? To move ahead thats for sure.

After the moving experience which I prayed on my knees, my sponsor & I continued to work in the book. Moving through a section of material describing the fourth step and what is required to take it. Over the course of the next few days I am to do a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I will put pen to paper, actually I have already begun, and list both good & bad things that come together to form my current self. I will also list resentments or feelings that I have not dealt with or cannot leg go of in my conscious, why I have them, and what the basis of their haunting me has to do with.. such as fear, self, jealousy, etc. This is a task most people are unwilling to take in their lives even if they are told/figure out that its something worthwile to do. Why? Because they feel they have to do this alone and fix their defects of character by themsevles.

I am so grateful that the 12 step program I belong to has so many that remind me I am not alone & that the task is a "We" task. We are never alone if we chose not to be and should any of us decide to take this step there are many willing to help. I hope as I cross this stage of my Sobriety that I am able to sort out and release much of the pain from my past 14 years of addiction/alcoholism. To be a better person for the world around me is my goal.. And that includes even you who are reading this blog tonight. With that I want to say, Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Update

Feb 21. Hey Friends! I just wanted to let everyone know that I had one heck of a long weekend and little to no sleep to drive me through it. I did get to meet with my sponsor for many hours Sat & studied the big book, as worked on some of the steps. I will be posting monday mid-day for all you readers. Thanks for your parience

Friday, February 19, 2010

Life's Locked Doors - Keys Of Communication

Feb 19. T.G.I.F. everyone. I know for alot of the readers friday is come & gone making it saturday. All I know is that thursday was so hectic & tiring that I couldn't have anticipated friday any more than I did. Today was as equally productive as thursday was, I just got so much farther doing so much less, if that makes sense to you. I had a headache from being too tired this morning so I enjoyed a little extra sleep in the late afternoon. I had to take advantage of it when I could because a busy nite was ahead of me. Mom got home from work early & shortly after that my dad did too, as most of you know since getting Sober we have adopted the ritual of eating dinner out together on fridays. Its something I've found myself looking forward too all week & after sleeping off that headache today was no exception.

We got to enjoy dinner at lil' tony's, which is a mutual friend's new resturaunt. The whole ride they we talked on the phone to eachother, driving in seperate cars is a must because of our different agenda's after dinner. The more we talk it seems the more we get along, the exact opposite of when I was active in addiction. It seemed back then that more communication closed more doors between us. Why wouldn't it, afterall my thinking was self centered and revolved around personal gain.. never other's interests or well being. The change in how we communicate and the content of our conversations has changed so much with Sobriety. I contribute the changes to spiritual principles that have literally molded my life today.

The mention of spirituality actually brings me to something else I wanted to mention. Tonight's meeting was phenominal. I somehow heard many solutions that apply to my current situation in Sobriety. Mostly to do with me sharing the topic of complacency, I heard one suggestion after another that seemed to make sense. My share at the beginning of the meeting consisted of me explaining that I had lost the option of working on the 12 Steps & in the recovery Big Book due to my former "Big Book Buddy" becoming unavailable as of late. It has been nearly two months since I've been able to go over recovery material with someone as described by the steps & big book.

The suggestions ranged from attending new groups & specialized meetings to study the book & steps all the way to doing service work & sitting in on general service conferences etc. There seemed to be plenty to do to end the complacency in my life that I had not yet experienced. Although my main purpose of sharing in the first place was to find people out there that wanted to work with me on my spiritual progress, the end result was more than I expected. I say that because I got information on a realm of ideas that were very helpful to me and will become very useful in my Sobriety when complacent & discontent feelings arise again. After the grand slam meeting I went with my sponsor & other sober friends to get some coffe at a local italian shop.

The conversation there was laid back and even more enjoyable. It seemed a little fellowship and communication with others was restoring my excitement and dissolving my complacency as the night went on. The best words to my ears came later in talks with my sponsor. He said that I was ready to take certain steps & that so much would be revealed as I do. Not only that but he said that he himself would make the time to help me through it. My prayers have seemed to be answered. I opened my mouth and spoke about what I hoped to accomplish & what I was going through, the result was people coming to aid me in taking action.

I can only wrap this up with one general thought of truth I am discovering more & more these days... If you use the keys of communication with purpose & honesty, the doors that we unlock can open new potential in all areas of our lives ... NEVER be afraid to ask for help or share where you are at in life. ALWAYS be honest & willing to implement the solutions in your life. Countless people have experience that we can benefit from in many areas. In our Careers, Spiritual Life, Sobriety, Friendships, Love Life, Finance, and as simple as 'how to' accomplish a task we don't know how, people are out there and willing to help. Don't be afraid of ridicule, mockery, or rejection.. they are character defects that often deter us from asking. GOOD PEOPLE EXIST everywhere, even in the worst of places and you only find them and their helpful experience by communicating. All things in life can be unlocked through the key of communication. Thanks for blogging in everyone. For now I say.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Taddle Tale, Taddle Tail - Being Your Own Snitch

Feb 18. Well now that we are all past wednesday we can look forward to the weekend being almost here. Most people look forward for the weekend for either having it off work, going out & being active, or catching up on things they can't do during the work week. Like a good alcoholic I am not like most people, the weekend brings me super busy days running my new shop and long evenings when you add a meeting and dinner onto that day. But its not only the weekend thats busy for me, thursdays are as equally demanding because of all the activities involved with sobriety, commitments, and requirements I deal with as a result of the consequences of my disease's actions in the past. I thought before I get into a busy cycle the next few days I'd bring up an important topic tonight that I was fortunate enough to put into action.

I was raised as a child that if somebody was doing something wrong or said 'don't tell' that it was probably a good idea to tell somebody I trust about it. After early childhood and going into my teens my experimentation with drugs & alcohol began and I developed an opposite attitude towards this 'taddle tale" philosophy. I did not want to be judged or ever labeled a hypocrit by my fellow abusers and experimentalists in the illicit life I was living, and I of course did not want it to happen to me. Getting caught at an early age would have made it harder for me to experience the different "altered states of mind" I was trying to experiment with. During that time of loyalty to the illegal and life destroying chemicals I was using I became addicted. The genetic, mental, and physical change kicked into effect and I lost the ability of choice, as well, lacking the knowledge & resources to stop.

For over a decade I went off in this chaotic and spiritually distressed state with the motto "Snitches Get Stitches". I was opposed to the exposing of another's chemical habbits and the means of obtaining them to any authority figure or person that held consequence over them. In other words I was not only supportive of people's privacy with their struggles with drugs & alcohol, I also helped get even when someone became a "Rat" and told one of these consequential figures. Cops, Parents, Teachers, Friends, Lovers... the masquerade had to be done for us without them knowing. I remember doing some very harmful and shameful things to other people who told on people I used with or was involved with in the drug world. I am not proud and have made peace with this issue with my higher power through many long nights. One thing today I am not ashamed of however is being a Self Snitch. It's one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and even harder to do it on a regular and healthy basis.

I say a healthy basis because without the ability to do this, things in my life that grow in the dark can endanger my Sobriety. By being the "Rat" I once harmed & hated, but only telling on myself, I am able to keep myself honest. It takes an honest program to be able to stay sober and without that honesty its imposible get sober in the first place. Tonight at a meeting I put light to something that has been absent in my Sobriety for many weeks. I snitched myself out to my fellow alcoholics/addicts in the meeting for not working on my spiritual progress, but instead merely maintaining my current state of Sobriety. There is so much more, but complacency settled in and without the right people knowing it will stay in my life.

A little over a month ago I was avid like the first five months of my sobriety, ready and willing to do work in the Big Book, and work on myself resulting in the spiritual progress I speak of. It took doing what I did over six months ago to get the wheels back in motion. Like when I said "There is something terrible going on in my life, and it has been for years.. I need some help here", I basically said the same thing tonight. I need the help of others to get out of bad or dangerous places, just like I needed others to help me stop using drugs in the first place. So now with it out on the table others who are capable of showing me the work to do on myself can identify themselves. I am grateful for the ability today to be honest and to be a snitch on myself. Without it I would be left to my own devices and I certainly for 14 years did NOT know the way. Fortunately many do though and they are in the rooms that fill with each meeting I attend. I need only share where I am at and be the Rat I need to be to get that help I need. I hope we all know when we are in that place that we don't want to be. I pray for us all to have that ability, know when to tell on ourselves, and for the right persons to hear it for our survival and growth. Thanks for reading friends, Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Maintenance Is Work But Not THE WORK

Feb 16. Today was an early bird day & I guess the opportunity to get the worm didn't present itself to me, or maybe it did. I started off by leaving the house at 6:30AM to catch an early meeting. I ended up having breakfast & coffee mid morning & made a few phone calls to people I needed to catch up with. I was just in my normal "existing sober" routine for the most part all day, nothing really significant. Hours past and dinner came & went, before I knew it I was heading to the evening 12 step meeting I go to. The tuesday night meeting is specifically an early recovery meeting and covers the first three steps as an introduction to the actual action work. I chose to go to this meeting for a variety of reasons which is basically my topic for tonight.

Other than doing a good job at maintaining my Sobriety the past month or so I haven't really made much ground as far as "spiritual or sober progress" is concerned. In terms of 12 step work I have been at a standstill because I've been putting some of my attention back into what some people consider 'normal life' stuff. That was time that in the past few months I devoted to the actual action & education work in the program. I try to take my own inventory honestly and without being afraid of the truth in something about me, but its difficult to do sometimes. Its also difficult to take action when you do find something that you can actually "do" to make things better. So here I am at the early recovery meeting, listening to others share about vital things that I am currently maintaining instead of adding to in my Sobriety.

Hearing so much of what I needed to hear I chose to share, talking about some of my shortcoming in the past and as of late. After the meeting I even called my sponsor, explaining to him how I've felt "busy bodied" by normal life circumstances that I have created for myself. Its ever more evident that in order to prevent slipping back into the grip of the disease of alcoholism/addiction, I need to be growing spiritually. I can't just maintain my current level of progress and expect the rest of my life to be sunshine and sugar. The reality hits my stomache like anyone who is running a tight life schedule, it is heavy and makes me not want to move and take action. I MUST. There are countless friends with decades of Sobriety that are only a phone call away for me and willing to work in the book & on me with the long list of step work yet ahead of me.

Tonight I want to share my gratitude for the recovery programs and the open meeting tonight that helped me remember what I am to do. The path to good and stable sobriety is right before me and I don't have to walk it alone. I am reminded of that every day when I meet with other alcoholics/addicts to share at these meetings. Tonight was a reminder that there is work to be done. When I got sober I said "Whatever it takes, I'll do it." That remains true today, even if what it takes is showing up to hear what the next right thing is. I hope all who are in search of growth in their life seek out those who are in a position you want to be, put our pride aside. If we open our minds and are willing to take action the teacher will appear when the student is ready. I guess my job now is to let people know that I am ready to get back to work. Thanks for blogging in, for now.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Monday, February 15, 2010

Seize The Moment -- Golden Opportunities

Feb 15. Welcome back friends and hello to any first time visitors. I had a decent day which somehow I luckily got a lot of sleep for most of it. My battery on my phone died when I laid back down and I got undisturbed rest. I actually must have been so worn out from the weekend because I slept to the point that my back got sore when I woke up & had dinner. Mondays I have been going to the new group that a retired counselor & myself had started for people in recover called MARS Group. It stands for Medically Assisted Recovery Support Group and is designed to help people in recovery that would otherwise not fit in because they are getting additional support through medicine, a doctor, or outside source other than the 12 step programs like the one I belong to myself. Its specific function is to help address issues and situations that are otherwise unappropriate to bring up in the other fellowships due to conflicts with their singleness of purpose (for example an alcohol based meeting does not cater to talking about snorting cocaine all that much). So the basic point is that we want our members of the group to continue to come share and work with us to help eachother but ALSO go to the 12 step meetings of the other fellowships to get their daily support & experiences.

I got there at 7 expecting a normal meeting and it was for the most part. There were a few highlight's though which I would love to share with you all and one in specific that made me feel extra great tonight. First off the pastor of the church we use for our meeting place sat in on the first half of our group. Before he left he wanted to comment that his observation of us and the meeting made him feel this... "I cannot believe what you have assembled here and are accomplishing. I am INSPIRED and touched by what you are doing with this group and our church stands by and supports all your efforts. Kathy will be announcing to the congregation what you are doing here on sunday so that they may know the good works going on inside this house of the Lord". With that he left, and our spirits as a group grew ever so higher. As intended our meeting is by no means an ordinary twelve step meeting, and for the rest of the meeting we covered many serious issues amongst the group members.

One of the issues covered was the death of a fellow friend of our group. He was found dead in the doorway of his home over the weekend. He was certainly a kind soul, actually having some issues that would make some people call him "not normal" that he struggled with besides his acoholism/addiction. He was indeed sober but on many medications from doctors due to half of his body being made of titanium after a severe accident, which caused his addiction to medication in the first place. I would like to ask everyone to pray for our friend Bob as he meets the higher power, that he may rest in peace and harmony free from pain & disease. I also ask that my readers and asked that the group pray for someone close to me by the name of Joe, he has severe blood clotting in his legs and body that could very well take his life in the blink of an eye. Please pray and continue to hope that the will of our higher power be done and it be easy to accept whatever it may be. A member of our group is native american and very familiar with some of its spiritual traditions, they did something special for Joe & Bob as well as the rest of us.

The native friend lit a shell bowl of sage and fanned it with a feather as we prayed in symbolism of the cleansing of pain & suffering. I found comfort in the smell and watching the smoke rise upward like the prayer for our friends. In the rest of the meeting we talked about a variety of things, but one final topic came up much to my suprise. The group decided they wanted me to be their Secretary, in charge of basically keeping records, organizing events, and getting alot of the essentials done. I could not have been more honored than to be of service to this cause. There is no other group, not even the presidency of a country, that I would be more delighted to serve. I am given the opportunity and responsibility to organize and grow something of true social significance. It is my greatest hope that a year from now I will be kept in this position and have many great achievements in the name of Sobriety to keep me there.

It's not everyday that we get an opportunity to make a difference, but when we do we must "seize the moment". I had to accept this privledge because it will not only help others but my own Sobriety as well. I can only say that this must be an indication of how far I have come from the days of unreliability, broken spirituality, and self-centeredness that ruled my life for so long. I know that there is no ruler or gauge to measure spiritual growth, but this election to an office of responsibility is certainly a mark of progress for me. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection, and I wish you all the strength and will to grow yourselves. Do great things for others and let the higher power do great things for us. Until next time friends.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Lonely Valentine Is A Lucky One?

Feb 14. Hey everybody hope your day was spent with the warmest hearts. Being Valentine's Day I wanted to write specifically about it. In past years I either spent the day with a girlfriend and the years I didn't have one I became so depressed and distant. The feeling of being alone wasn't just the years I had no valentine though. During my addiction the years I was with someone I felt alone too. One of the common traits we often share in alcoholism/addiction is that even in a room full of people we often feel alone inside. The only thing that would cure this lonliness was drugs & drinks. Always forgetting that the numb would eventually wear off and the feelings return, I made this my primary coping skill because of my unhappiness.

As my first sober Valentine's Day in over a decade I was caught up taking myself back into the past. Getting my head overrun by alot of "what if's?" about particular people I had been romantic with in the past. I also gave thought to some whom I had interest in more recently since I achieved Sobriety. Any of us who didn't marry our childhood sweetheart have a good chance of knowing how being single on the holiday can be to your mind. Seeing other couples as they bought jewelry from my shop even carried the message further in my head, "The normal thing is to be happy and spending time with a loved one on valentine's". Thats the depressing thought my alcoholic mind wanted to keep in the foreground.

I always try to find the solution to the problem and for an addict the problem is always directly tied to their thinking. I knew that I had to really ponder the situation I was in today and stop dwelling on it, there had to be a ray of hope for the whole lonely scenario. In the brainstorm, or in my case brainhurricane, it finally clicked. I really have nothing to be sad over. I have something great to share this holiday with and that is my Sobriety, my higher power, and opportunity. By being alone while others spent it with eachother I got an opportunity to realize one vital thing.. I am alive, Sober, and becoming the person that will one day grow to enjoy someone else without a substance or chemical to make me feel great. One day because of my willingness to be alone and sober now, I will be a part of something special for a lifetime with somebody. I could not be more thankful to have what I have this holiday, there truly is no reason for me to be sad.

The day is about love and that is something I can feel again. I can feel it like the warm rays of sunshine in the summertime. It is a love for the gifts I am given by my higher power called Sobriety & Myself. I truly am a lucky one to be a loney valentine. I can only imagine what it will feel like to be in a loving and romantic relationship with the Light of the Spirit guiding me to appreciate it for every little delight it brings. So to all who had that someone special or something special in their lives to celebrate today.. I hope you too realize how blessed you are.. and HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Feb 12. Hey friends. I wanted to give everyone a heads up and appologize for how busy my friday night has been. Instead of doing anything with half measure I am going to post the next blog update on Saturday Evening. Between a meeting that ran over and a social engagement I had afterwards, I arrived home much to late to be constructive on this project tonight & have to get up in a short amount of time to run my business tomorrow. There will be a post over the weekend so keep your eyes open tonight for new content. As always you are my inspiration and I truly value the opportunity my higher power has given me to live on and share with you all. Enjoy your saturday!!! <3 Jimmy

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Less is More & The Sky Diving Suggestion

Feb 11. All in all a decent day, hope everyone else's was too. I got a lil rest early on and basically kicked the tail end of that bug out of my sinus. Afternoon I read up on some articles my sponsor had sent me about some non-sobriety issues that we were talking about the other night. After that I got a few other things done like reading and before I knew it my mom was home from work. We chatted a little bit and fixed me up a warm dinner then I went to wash up for the meeting tonight. The meeting tonight was a 'little' different then most I go to and was the first of its kind I had been to in a long time. Its rather fortunate that I went to that particular meeting because there are some things I noticed that I would love to talk about for tonights topic.

First I would like to explain the average 12 step meeting I got to usually has between 15 & 100+ people. It just depends on the night of the week and a matter of chance with who decides to go where. Meetings happen all over and at different times. This meeting was an "open meeting" which basically means its an open discussion meeting with a chair person to mediate the flow. The usual attendance of these meetings is quite large compared to a single person sitting in one chair. With each meeting lasting only one hour it usually means that about 10 or 15 people max end up sharing their strength, hope, & experience. 15 people would give about an average share of 3 minutes a piece with 15 minutes for introductions. Now you got the idea of the size and participation opportunity in the average meeting I see daily.

Tonight's meeting was nothing of the normal so to speak. There were a total of 6 of us in the room. A small meeting could be viewed as less experience, strength, and hope to be shared by fewer successfully sober people being present. It could be seen that way and also be assumed that with less in the meeting a person would get less out of the meeting in terms of sober solutions, spiritual growth, and the overall messages of the program. It COULD, but it WASN'T tonight. The meeting was fantastic to be honest. Each of the six of us got more than double the time to share whats going on in our lives of sobriety. We all had less distraction, less worry of who was going to take our inventory instead of worrying about their own, and less formality that often makes people speak polished instead of real talk from their heart. Tonight LESS was MORE.

Instead of sharing in general we got to take advantage of the extra time and elaborate. The second to last person to share was a newcomer, who now got to experience his first meeting by hearing detailed experience of others. Those details can sometimes mean life or death for a newcomer if they are afraid to ask themselves to hear more. The topic at the meeting was willingness and the most important message I can pass on to anybody that is desperate for change in their life is this... Are you WILLING to do whatever it takes? To do something enough times to get the solution out of it? I remember not having willingness for much in the beginning. First I was unwilling to go to rehab. After finally growing that willingness I found other things that were holding me back from doing whatever it took.

I had to learn to be willing to follow suggestions from others, sometimes even from people with less sobriety or younger in age than myself. Why? Because they had the answers. They call them suggestions in a 12 step program, but I have heard this comparison in the past and it makes alot of sense when your life is on the line due to a deadly disease like addiction/alcoholism. "If you were skydiving and your instructor said that his suggestion was at 2000 feet you should pull the cord to your parachute so you don't die, you would pull that cord wouldn't you?" The analysis is the same, I know I have a deadly disease that if left to freefall will surely kill me. Through the suggestions of a support group and sponsor that have continuous years of sobriety I am learning to soften the landing for myself. Sobriety acting as a parachute in my life. This small meeting tonight was my parachute, an opportunity to share and hear suggestions that could one day save my life. I know that I do not have all the answers, and the day I think I can do it without someone else's guidance to show me one more day sober is the day I am in trouble. Thanks for blogging in. For now.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Caution: Severe Stormy Conditions

Feb 10. Hi friends!! What a snowstorm we had in the northeast overnight and all day. I can honestly say we got a good 8-10 inches around my area and even heard that a few highways closed up until 3AM. Sure its not the blizzard we saw in 93' but its the best snow we had all year and its February. It was adventurous enough though. I started out the morning by going out to a meeting before the heavy snow hit. I figured if I was going to be snowed in later I should get out and give my sobriety the urgent attention it needs.. which will lead into my topic a lil later. After I got back Dad said it was time to go get Mom from work & I needed to fill my car up so we went together.. me driving. After managing not to scare him half to death and a nice hour or so of alone time to chat we got mom, I picked up a pack of clove cigs, and headed back home to bear the storm. After a nice snow day nap and a hot bowl of soup for dinner the evening set in and before you know it everyone's off to bed, which means its my time to blog finally. Now back to earlier statement, about giving my sobriety the urgent attention it needs, I want to elaborate on that.

Just like a severe storm can endanger a drive home, the roof of your house, or break your back shoveling.. Sobriety weathers certain storms of its own. The cunning, baffling, and powerful disease of addiction/alcoholism however does not always have a noticable radar or person to see and forcast an upcoming problem. The only person who can be sure or not if their Sobriety will remain 'fair weathered' is the sober person themselves. Like a community, state, society, or country .. a person in Sobriety has to develop a way of seeing developing dangerous conditions before they arrive to do damage. If a town fails to prepare for a storm people get snowed in, accidents happen, and sometimes people die. When a person in recovery fails to prepare or respond to an incoming 'storm' or 'bad weather' they can become spiritually 'snowed in', relapse, and sometimes people die. Some would say, "Its that black and white? They just die huh?" YES. Its like a terrible accident on ice or snow that no one was prepared for, bald tires, poor breaks, no salt on the roads. This is what happens when Sober people don't use the tools suggested for them to use in recovery.

Because Alcoholism/Addiction is a deadly disease that kills more than survive it, we need to learn how to prepare for the 'storms in sobriety' that could potential bring disaster. How do we do this? I can only say how I do it, and I can best explain it by going back a few days where my forecasting began. I got a terrible flu bug sunday night, as described in my last bog. I wasn't able to make a meeting monday & tuesday I was not in full capacity to enjoy fellowship with others in recovery or absorb any lessons that may have otherwise been picked up on in a sharper state of mind. Knowing that I really had not accomplished anything with myself as far as Sobriety was concerned I have learned to realize or 'forecast' that a storm is approaching. Should I continue to not make a meeting or see others in recovery I could lose track of my goals that quickly. YES THAT QUICKLY. Missing one meeting that I normally do not turns into missing two. Before you know it I am staying home friday to just be lazy saying "I'll go to a meeting Saturday." And by next week I've relapsed because the old habbits that were so hard to break had room to move back in during the stormy period of my sobriety.

Does it happen this way for everyone? No. It happens this way for many though. Slow adjustments are how we develop successfully and when we all of a sudden get a bad condition on our road to Sobriety we can end up off the road completely. I knew the danger of not going to a meeting this morning and the roads were passible. I could have said "there is an inch on the road I will stay home" and played video games, or slept. I could have done that, but I didn't because I've been taught what to do to remain sober and that is to forecast 'bad weather' in the horizon for my sobriety. So I risked a snowy drive and possibly dying on the way to the meeting this morning... I would rather die Sober on my way to a meeting today then die of an overdose next week. If I truly didn't need a meeting then the option of staying home would have been exercised, but I meant it when I said "whatever it takes to stay Sober". Even when I don't want to go, or have every excuse not to do something that will either maintain or improve my Sobriety I must. The more times that I don't the heavier the storm gets and the closer to the disease taking control and eventually my death would be eminent.

In all of our lives, even those who are not addicted/alcoholic, we can do our own bit of forecasting in our Spiritual Lives. If we see trouble ahead with anything and take the time to prepare ourselves or find a source to maintain our strength we can endure the storms that come. No amount of 'depressing snow', 'abusive winds', or 'chemical rains' in the world can endanger our spiritual lives if we take the necessary precautioins and take a look at where we are headed on a regular basis. If the storm becomes too much to bear, we must remember that we have friends like eachother, to shelter us. We need only be willing to reach out or lend a hand in return. No matter what, STAY ON TOP. Thanks for reading.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Sick? Suffering? or Sick & Suffering?

Feb 09. Hey friends, I wanted to appologize for not getting on here or online at all the past few days. After having my mom be sick for almost a week I caught a nasty bug myself. Needless to say after my head building pressure like a balloon & my stomache emptying as fast as one its a few days later & I am finally aware enough to write again. Its funny how being "sick" is so similar to the being "sick" associated with addiction.

In childhood I can remember getting so sick that I could not even enjoy a cartoon. When I got sick I missed school, etc, and completely shut down socially. That status of "walking zombie" was the worst feeling in the world. A little later in my years a different kind of sickness with the same results crept into my life.

In my early addiction to substances it was more like hangovers, stric-9 attacks, and the polluted haze from pot that made me disfunctional and "sick" so to speak. Nothing too demanding on my body for more than a day or two after a long or excessive string of partying. As I progressed into more dangerous substances I can remember all of the socially debilitating symptoms settling in though. During years of abuse I experienced many call-offs from work for several days & sometimes an entire week of work. Most people did this when they caught the flu or took a vacation, but not me. Those weeks were spent in hibernation with massive amounts of drugs and cases of alcohol. There were always people around to party with so the problem never became apparent until everyone went home to sleep for school or work, and I was still up with one other person getting high.

The physical ravages on my body were like the flu bug in a sense that I needed a day or two to recover alot of times or sometimes did too much up my nose and BAM an empty stomache. After some changes backwards towards more mental and less physical drugs & drinking that simmered down for a short period of time, only to call me back for another few years of the same "sick" existance. It was apparent to me that I was not normal & I honestly thought that I would have to suffer this way while others 'grew out' of it seemingly. Then the sickness found an all new way into my life. I had suddenly become addicted to opiates. In the beginning it was low level pain killers, but on a daily basis. The days I ran out I can remember getting a 'cold' like stuffy nose and alot of muscle aches and pains. It was to a point where the mornings were impossible to start without having some pills to snort or swallow a handful. For as much acetametophine in each pill I don't know how I didn't overdose on that alone to this day. My higher power is my only explination.

A little further down the road I graduated to the "death bed" opiates. Pain patches, Syrups, Pure Pills instead of those mixed with lesser pain agents. This phase is where the real definition of 'dope sick' became a reality for me. Because of cost or supply shortages there always seemed to be at least one or more days out of the week that I had to suffer with the starting symptoms of the flu. Even sometimes when I used them, the euphoric feeling created was so intense and so close to overdose that my body would overheat and cause vomiting to keep from going into shock/dying. So a good high day I was sick, and a no high day I was sicker. Fighting a losing battle the day came where every pill, patch, and syrup was consumed and there was nothing left but a person with the "dope connection".

Crossing that line was something I told myself for a decade that I would never do, but knowing that just a little sniff of it would take away the hellish withdrawal symptoms worse than any flu.. I made the call. Its funny how they say the devil is inside that stuff, how true, because by the third time I used it I wanted to try it interveinously. It wasn't long after I got interested in it that it happened and I scored a bag of hundred needles and someone to show me how. There is no sick compared to when you do your normal 3 day supply of dope in 24 hours and cannot get more. I can't relay to you the thoughts that went through my head to get it or the foxhole prayers I made to take away the reaction. You would think the suffering was enough to make a person never do it again, but the insanity of the disease says "there is a medicine that will take this away". For so many years I lived sick, and caused myself to get sicker. And people have the nerve to say that addicts use by choice.. the choice to be sick was not presented to us.. it was too late to choose once we were already sick and nothing short of a miracle can save us. I just wanted to relate that no flu bug, nor any other condition I have ever experienced in my lifetime can be graded as equally "sick, suffering, punishing, or tormented" as the withdrawal from "death bed" opiates. From someone who has just fought a natural flu bug, to experiences every kind of drug & substance related sickness other than all out organ failure.. there IS NO comparison. I can only pray for those who suffer from any addiction or disease like alcoholism, they know not what we endure, but I write on so that they may appreciate our strength should we succeed or fall trying. Thanks for now.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Uncorking The Bottle Corked The Bottle

Feb 03 Evening. Hey friends. I posted twice today because I was exhausted last night and didn't get to update the blog before falling asleep. So to keep on track I wanted to post again tonight, besides I have something else to talk about thankfully. Between catching up on some rest & a wasted trip to hawley my afternoon was shot, as evening approached I got some good news about a bad situation just before I left for my meeting. Afterwards I got to help a friend out by just listening, sometimes thats all it takes to help someone feel better.. but having the right person to listen to us is often a vital component to us being able to vent thoroughly and in a healthy way.

What I wanted to talk about tonight is the "bottle effect" when it comes to emotions. This is something many of us do, sometimes without even knowing it. Years of not being able to express our emotions, for whatever reasons, can sometimes make this happen without us knowing it and when we do know it we think we are using a protection mechanism for ourselves. The reality is that bottling up feelings is dangerous, in addiction can lead to the inability to stop using, and in sobriety can lead to depression, anger, or otherwise spiritual depreciation & instability. I can remember feeling misunderstood, ashamed, afraid, and otherwise unable to share so many things that I kept them bottled up for years, and some things for a decade. The spiritual damage caused to me during this process was nearing a point where self destruction was almost a certain to happen. The "bottle effect" caused me to see the bottom of many other bottles while my emotional bottle filled up. The bottom of beer & liquor bottles clanged on tables, the bottom of pill bottles bringing a sadness like a kid running out of jelly beans. The bottom of a liquid vicodin or moraphine bottle then the rinsing with water for a final "shot" only to hit the bottom a second time.. all due to the full bottle of emotions I could not and did not know how to let out.

It took the fear of crossing a point in my life that I may not come back from, support from many people, and hitting a low in life and morality that made me pop the cork off the bottle for the first time. I have someone in my close life that I love dearly, as a child they were always kind to me and loved me like their own. I can remember as a child wanting to get them symbols or nic-nac's with their favorite fruit on them just to show them appreciation for how they made me feel. Little did I know that they had an emotional bottle as full as mine was before I uncorked it. For more than decades they have kept certain things that have caused them to abuse alcohol to dangerous points time and again. They have seen the bottom of more bottles than can be counted or even imagined. Like in my life a miracle occured today & they uncorked their emotional bottle after over 30+ years of pressure. The person whom they poured their poison out to is also very close to me, that is why I heard of it to share this message tonight.

The second message, or request, that I have is for help in prayer. That each of our own higher power be asked to help this newly vented person. That now that the cork has been taken off the bottle inside them they continue to talk about it and eventually find peace with themselves. The acts committed to them, which I won't mention, were vile and cruel.. any person having to go through them would almost be EXPECTED to bury it somehow if they never got a chance to cope with it or face those who wronged them for appology & closure. I know that having a program of spiritual nature in my life when I opened my bottle has given me the strength to not only remain standing, but to actually begin facing some of the persons still in my life that emotions were bottled up over. Each time I address something that is in the air from me letting it out, it actually dissapears. Its something off my chest, given over to my higher power, and put under light so that all who are relative to my existance can examine & understand it.

It creates the ability to understand those who wronged me as well, and forgive, as well as identify myself where I have fallen short or walked the wrong path with others. Like mold, the disease of alcoholism and emotional sickness cannot grow well with light on it. I pray that this loved one, no ALL people, have the strength, support, and willingness in their life to shine the light of the spirit on the things that have made them not well for so long. The bottle effect cannot affect me any longer so long as I am willing to seek out spiritual answers & share things that can keep me in my disease or keep me socially and spiritually disfunctional. Please pray with me tonight to your higher power that others can take the cork off their bottles within, and put the cork back in the alcohol. Put the top back on that pill bottle. " Have we fallen victim to 'bottling' in our life? How long did it take us to take the top off? When we did were we in the right point in our lives & did we have the support we needed to deal with the poisons that were let out of the bottle? Did we drink or drug over these poisons until we let them out? After we let them out? When we found spiritual solutions to emotional problems, was it easier to cope with things after that because we did not bottle up and dealt with things promptly and in a spiritually fit manner? " Thanks for blogging in. Until next time.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Failing Friends - Recovery Through Discovery

Feb 03. Hey guys happy 'hump' day. With yesterday being groundhog's day here in the U.S. it reminded me of where I was at last winter. I remember dreading work starting back up but anticipating the paychecks so that I could better maintain my addiction. I also remember a certain person I was 'running' with and alot of things that happened between us.

I can clearly remember around this time of the year last year and how much of a hard time someone was giving me about my disease & what it had progressed to. I wasn't scared to shoot myself up in front of this person, mainly because I had enough dirt on him to bury him if he made my situation more difficult than it was. He didn't like the effects the dope had on him, from making him vomit for hours to the feeling he got from it. Funny how the same symptoms to me were an indication that I had a potent and "good dose". I remember him watching me a little too curiously one day & I asked him why. He had said he was interested in trying it. Like a true hipocrit I blew up at him saying "You don't want to do this, you wanna fucking end up like me?? I am gonna die or grow old with this now. Get the idea out of your head."

It wasn't long before he got someone else to try it, the insanity of our disease says if we do something the same but different we will get completely different results. Of course the potency by injecting IV is ten fold & he got sicker than any other dose he had sniffed before. It was enough to make him not want it anymore, in fact he took my words from before and started to try to harass me about my using. It was too late for reason, dope had its grip on me for over a year prior. I couldn't take advice from him anyway, he still smoked pot on occasion & I had already adopted the theory without entering the program that "substances were susbstances". The statements of me being out of control, having a one track mind for dope, and about me going to die kept coming out of his mouth.. and WERE ALL TRUE.

As we know it was several more months before I hit a bottom so low that I almost did not survive. When I had finally told him I was going to try to go to rehab he was happy for me, but sad that he would have to go a month without the one person he called a friend. It turned out that I couldn't get funded for a rehab anyway, and another month had passed before the bottom blew out of my barrel of life. All of a sudden at that point when I turned to my higher power for help & really was willing to try all routes things changed & a rehab bed opened up for me to go. As I was walking away from the things that nearly ended me, my friend left behind walked closer to them in my absence.

Just like when I wasn't there to step in on his first IV use, that he hated mind you, I wasn't there to step in and keep his old habbits from flaring up. By the time I walked out of Rehab and tried to find out what he was doing, he was a mess. After a few stumbles I managed to get the hang of what I needed to do to stay sober & started to see a great deal of the promises associated with change. When I finally caught up to him, it was me looking at him in dismay. He didn't have to use in front of me like I did in front of him, I could just see he was not well. I had thought if I could get him to go to meetings with me maybe it would help him find what I did, that there is a way out. Like with me it just got worse though and he fell deeper into denial. With my own sobriety on the line & the education of the program I found that I had to make severences at this point.

Our friendship dwindled from years of looking out for eachother to weeks of ignoring eachother. He ignored me because he was wrapped up in using & the people places & things that come with it. I ignored him because of the danger & exposure should I not. What I learned from all this is that people change, we can hope for the better, but sometimes for the worse. Without a plan, a program, a guide of some sort we can only grow in the realm of what we know. My offer to him to show him a new realm of existance was refused & ran from. I cannot save a person who does not want change. That was a hard concept to swallow but remains so true. He is still out there, growing worse in addiction while I grow Spiritually stronger. It hurts to know that I cannot stay by his side and encourage him towards the solution I have found. I guess its the balance of the world, and the power of alcoholism/addiction, that no matter who is getting well others get sicker. I can only live the example today so that should another person want change, they know who to ask and that it IS real. A life beyond your wildest dreams can be obtained WITHOUT the use of a drink or drug EVER AGAIN. If your out there reading this old friend, I love you and miss you. My higher power wants me to express that and for me to know that no matter the hurt I feel, if I give it up to my higher power, it will take it away. Progress, Not Perfection.. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Monday, February 1, 2010

Higher Power?

Feb 1. Its Monday friends! Everybody back to work, school, life? Well not everybody. I happen to have a mom who is very sick with an unknown lung problem that came out of nowhere on friday night. It seemed to get worse as each day passed, to the point that this morning we scheduled & went to the doctors. After all that and getting her some breakfast we came back home so she could rest. With all that, I hope that any of you who are spiritual, which I hope is all of you, please say a prayer to your higher power for her. Recovery from any sickness or disease is so important & needs encouragement from a higher power & friends.

That brings me to tonights topic. I wanted to talk about my higher power a little bit. No I am not going to get into specifics, but yes I am in a way. I was raised from childhood to originally believe in a invisible being, all powerful, punishing, capable of miracles & disasters, and something to be feared. Thats not what my parents tried to teach me, its what I interpreted from the sunday classes & all the material put before me. The things I read & lessons taught often talked about hell, damnation, punishment, etc. Maybe it was designed to put fear & obediance into us as children but it spoiled the image of "God" for me. It wasn't until I heard the new testament & heard stories of "Christ" that I even had hope for human kind.. and this was from age 8-13 that I learned about the religion I was taught in childhood. By age 14 I had gone through in Sunday classes the entire "Bible" that "Christians" say is the word of "God". I was "Confirmed" into the Methodist Church and was told as a child I was "Baptized".

My addiction turned from experimentation to loss of choice & control that year. My childhood had taught me that I was sinning and going to be punished in life & go to "Hell" for my behavior. Due to that belief that people of formal religions would say is accurate, I ran even further from a higher power in my life. I figured that if I distanced myself from this punishing figure, that I was doing what it wanted, I was a disgrace to it. Most would say that a person in my situation need to stop using & repent, but I could not do that because I had no control of my disease or choice to use. It was a necessary thing because for a long time prior I had no ability to function emotionally. All of my joy & sorrow was spent numbing myself with chemicals & there was no "Human" inside of me for the most part. I tried to stop more times than I can recall as I think back over the years. Nearing the fifth year of my addiction, as I was approaching 19 years old, I had finally made what I thought was a permanent "peace" with my destiny. I had come to the conclusion that I was going to suffer until I die, maybe as punishment for the prior four years of sinful drug use. It got worse thought, because a higher power not only was distant from me but I had a resentment built for it "making me broken" and unable to stop my addiction.

The spiritual decay & chemical reliance for acceptance in the world & emotional survival day to day grew for another ten years as I traded one substance for the next. Where was this higher power now? As I injected myself with drugs in collapsed veins & practically associated with "Demons" & the "Devil" on a daily and first name basis? It felt almost like there could be no higher power in my life and if it wasn't in my life maybe it wasn't in the world at all. Things suddenly changed though, as money became the issue more than ever and desperation took me to new lows. I started regrowing a conscience as I dipped into the wells of loved ones for my addiciton's hunger. I had been sick & without the worst drug I ever used on several occasions now but this one was different. I was stealing from the one person I loved the most & taking things that could not be replaced. When I did this for the first time I felt like the scum of the earth, and probably was.

The drugs did not take away the dirty feeling this time. A shower & sleep did not remove a speck from my "Soul" or as I call it Spiritual Being. I had to do something about this because I had thought about possibly not deserving to live. I had already accepted that I would have to do dope the rest of my life to be able to survive without feeling sick or like my flesh was crawling, now suicide? No amount of heroin would kill me & I purposely bought from a batch that had alread killed another addict, hoping I could at least enjoy my way to the grave. I couldn't enjoy the high, that had been for a while now but got worse after the stealing from my loved ones started. No death, No High, and stuck with feelings that I never learned how to deal with.. I had only one option. I finally turned back around, I had to face my higher power to ask him for help. No amount of sunday school classes could have prepared me for this one.

I cried. I prayed literally to "WHOEVER IS OUT THERE". I asked for help. I wanted it to take away the obsession somehow, to help me stop taking from my family, and to give me a way out of this life I was living. I promised that I would try and try my hardest. I did not see a burning bush, nor did an entity come from the clouds to talk to me directly. Something happened though. Coincidences that are unexplainable began to occur. Help appeared out of nowhere in too many forms to count, from people, medicine, doctors, counselors, the county, police, judges, family, & what I have to believe is my higher power. I had a Spiritual Awakening. The obsession is lifted, the program in place to keep it gone, and the life of an addict is gone. Somehow through what can only be called a Miracle I am alive & free. A power greater than any being that has walked this earth HAD to have orchestrated all the people, places, & things that made my recovery possible. Something beyond my imagination had to be responisble for me not questioning, but accepting the principles I must live by to keep my disease from destroying me & my life. I didn't adpot these, as each was shown to me it just applied. As I learn more it still applies. I guess when we open ourselves to a power greater than ourselves it can enter our lives in ways we never imagined. As I continue my journey, no, as I BEGIN my journey into life, I believe my higher power wants me to do certain things. The first is to help it's works become possible, offering myself as a tool to help others in need. This does not come without taking care of myself first with enough effort & resources to make myself happy & capable. I believe also my higher power wants me to unwork anything from conscience that hinders my ability to be joyous and free, this includes making ammends if necessary to others. Theres so much more but I finally believe that with all it has in store for me, my higher power wants me to find the happiness I searched for in every chemical I tried. I know today that happiness is just being alive, having family & friends, and one day having a family of my own. Whenever & however that happens is all part of it. In the meantime there is work to do, and never to stop no matter what is given to me because I must give back in eternal gratitude. " How much do you love your higher power? " I know mine has no measure & I don't believe its there to punish, but to love me equally in return.... Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy