May 05. Hello my friends, today I celebrated the life of a good friend at his memorial viewing at 11am. I took a good friend & professional counselor along side me because we are friends & she knew our recently lost comrade. This is how my morning started, I was to be honest an internal ball of knots & emotions. Seeing others in their pain over the same loss did not obviously contribute to my dealing with the event. It was not until midway through we sang Amazing Grace was my heartache eased, a few knots unwraveled, & able to take a deep breath that actually satisfied my chest. Earlier attempts at long breaths seemed like mere pants though I know they were not. Just before singing the hymn the pastor had spoken about how my friend came to know his higher power & seeked salvation in the months prior to his death. Immediately following was the song, and I sang as emotions lifted from my spirit.
I believe in my own beliefs & they are important to have in any spiritual lifestyle, I want to share what I felt connected in my soul today. I feel that with the reassurance of his relationship with our higher power that my friend during that song helped many heal just a little bit. If it was not him, then it was my higher power allowing my heart to rest knowing he was alright wherever he ended up. May I say this, I do not force feed a brand of religion to anyone, I just personally believe in life after a mortal death. My spirituality, the real presence of my soul within me that I can feel today & the presence of my higher power all through my life have given me this faith. It obviously had given my friend the same faith to seek out his higher power as the pastor proclaimed in the eulogy.
After that song I had a renewed strength that I lacked hours & the day prior. Strength enough to comfort two of his closest friends, one being his morning fiance the other his best friend since childhood. We were all a close group in our day, but it wasn't our day it was my friends. It was later that evening at my usual tuesday night meeting I had gotten a reply to a message I had sent to a great person who has helped me in my sobriety & spiritual growth. He suggested his strong friendship with me & that as I learn to trust more, slowly I will be able to reach out further & further to help my journey & also to help others. Today I found trust in its fullest definition, I found trust in my higher power.
Trust is sometimes reffered to as something that "takes years to build & seconds to destroy". This in many cases can be very true, for me its taken my entire lifetime to finally place trust in my higher power. I did so when I cried for help, misunderstood & spiritually destroyed by my addiction. It answered my call then & so many times before that, I am finally starting to realize that my higher power was there all along even when I didn't trust in it. This is vital for me to understand in me learning trust others, because it teaches me that even when I didn't trust & couldn't be trusted that my higher power placed it's trust in me the entire time. There is no mistaking that everything that has happened in my life, has occured in its order and for significant reasons. Possibly to shape my life & create the man I work to become & maybe the man that I will be proud to meet my creator as.
I am proud now, but I am not done at least not for today because there is still breath in my lungs and blood flowing in my veins. There is more to accomplish, through trust & love for my higher power, for my family, my good friends & all those who have helped me & have yet to help me but will in the future. By trusting again, I am truly giving myself to others, reaching out both hands extended.. here I am I trust you won't steer me wrong or hurt me. Its this trust that will lead to the most fruitful rewards & the most pulsing pain I am sure, but it will all be worth it in the sake of living along spiritual lines. The better man I long to be is a trusting man, who needs mistrust to be proven and never assumed.. especially when it comes to the works & will of my higher power. It is all as it should be at any given time. Everything that happens in all of our lives is for a reason, a masterful purpose, a mystery that may never have an answer.. but that answer I don't need to know.
All I need to know is trust, faith, belief, hard work, sobriety & a spiritual means by which I find a solution to all of life's future happenings. Afterall I need only survive sobriety intact, without having intentionally hurt someone, and with a pure honest open heart in relationship with my higher power & those I love. It seems like such a tall task, but it does not seem impossible after feeling the ease in my heart while I sang out "AMAZING GRACE". That saved a wretch like me. I am no longer lost but found.. slowly I open my eyes from blindness I am beggining to see. Life is short my friends, love with all your heart.. trust with all your nerve & vulnerabilities & walk the path of spiritual blessings. I can't express enough how sorrowful I will feel if I lost any of you without having come to know your higher power, to have placed trust in it's decisions, & accepted its merciful end when each of ours is due. My heart rests easy knowing that someone else has placed that trust in the place its most deserved, they will be in the beauty of the city where life, through trust, exists after flesh. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Drama, Stress, Loss - How Do We Survive
May 04. Well today was monday & its now crossed midnight here so tuesday begins. My start of the week was not tremendous to say the least. It was in fact devestating & stressful. I have shared it at MARS Group tonight & with my sponsor, as well as with my parents for support. I haven't felt relieved to the current moment so I want to share more here with you all. It is my hopes that through venting this in black & white I can reflect on my views of my current life circumstances & grow from it all. This morning I avoided a friend who was continually texting me, because she is persuing an unhealthy relationship with me behind the back of her boyfriend. I cannot feel that I am doing the next right thing by fullfilling selfish desires that will lead to emotions that all ends in hurt for myself. Another person full of drama bringing stress was calling all morning as well. His agenda was to contact me with drama & delusions he is conjuring during his active addiction. He also in hearing of a financial mistake made on the state's part, slandered me to some others we mutually know & was actually questioning my Sobriety because I called him out on some favors I had done for him in the past to eleviate the financial burden by repaying favors I had done for him time & again. Needless to say this was a morning where I kept turning my phone volume off & going back to sleep.
I finally started my day way to late to take on any leisure or extra credit work on anything in my agenda. I got ready for my MARS Group meeting & left, thinnking my mom was upset that I could not stay for dinner which happens a few times a week because of poor time management on my part & health issues causing me to need rest before I leave for my very activity filled evenings. I was in my car & my sponsor called, only to break some news to me that was devestating to me. A friend whom I have much history with & we even shared a mutual love in our lives at different times who we lost to death by a motorcycle.. well he had died over the weekend the exact same way.. on a motorcycle.. with our ex's mother on the back.. also killed by the impact. My mind was blown. We had just rekindled our friendship as he recently got sober & we were seeing eachother a few times a week again, talking, sharing life & rooting eachother on sincerely. All our past resentment seeming to be a thing of the past. He is now gone & I hope in a better place. I truly believe that this attempt at Sobriety was the one that was changing his life, he died a man I was happy to call a friend again in my life with a common wholesome goal of lasting sobriety.
Hearing this tragic news I made it to MARS Group, where the meeting started by the breaking of news of his death & passing around of his obituary & news article, reliving & reminding me of the death of not only him, but our mutual ex girlfriend & her mother as well. I can only say my higher power spared me the emotional outburst that would have come out of me had my sponsor not told me just minutes prior as I drove to the meeting. The existance of my higher power is ever more clear today as it's sympathy for my pain was shown to me once again through miracle timing in my sponsors call. I shared exactly how close he & I had become and was open about how well our "roots" in life were tangled among special people lost before. The meeting went on, our topic the 5th step, admitting our wrongs to God, ourselves, and another human being. It follows the 4th step personal inventory for such reasons as to let go permanently of the fears & resentments and all our wrongs for good.. allowing spiritual healing as a result.
We adjourned there & I headed to meet my sponsor at my old monday meeting which ends a half hour later, during my arrival it was spoken about my friends death & asked for prayers for all the family & for Phil. More things were shared about the 5th step & I even got to see a friend who relapsed back to his first meeting, a glorious sight. I talked with my sponsor then headed home, needing greatly to talk to my parents & unload the stress. Upon finding out the time of the memorial for my friend tomorrow, it occured to me that I must let down another friend who needed a ride to an important appointment from me. I broke the news of the conflict in times & that I needed to go get my closure & do what I needed spiritually to let go of this turmoil in my soul. She seemed a bit deterred & turned off by it, which added more stress to my head. When I got inside to talk with my parents I had to unload it. Someone needed to hear it all at once, or I might just burst. I thank my higher power for giving them the love to endure my dumping of emotions & stress.
After explaining all of my toils & heartache to them, I felt slightly relieved. It wasn't miraculously taken away by any means, but just enough pressure fell off my shoulders that I could move a little more free within myself again. Sometimes our needs are met by our higher power in the smallest ways, giving us not complete wiping of the slate, but perhaps just making the slate bigger so we have more room to put the words surviving & having gratitude on the board with the rest. I know that a drink or drug today will not relieve the hard series of pressures or pains that I am facing, but staying sober will allow me to address them all. If I need handle each thing one at a time so be it. I am ever grateful for my sponsor, support group, my parents, and my higher power today for listening to all of my worries & giving me just enough encouragement & faith to handle them all one at a time. Just like I handle my days, one at a time, so too shall this pass. I am growing through this all, its all life circumstances that will one day build me ready to face my greatest enemy in war, the armor is growing thick. That enemy is myself & my alcoholism. Each day sober I grow stronger & more aware with skills gained through the 12 steps I am practicing to one day supress the threat & better deal with all of life's future challenges. Thanks for listening to me.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy PS. I Love You Phil! I am so proud of you for fighting until the end & being a part of the solution when our creator decided to take you home.
I finally started my day way to late to take on any leisure or extra credit work on anything in my agenda. I got ready for my MARS Group meeting & left, thinnking my mom was upset that I could not stay for dinner which happens a few times a week because of poor time management on my part & health issues causing me to need rest before I leave for my very activity filled evenings. I was in my car & my sponsor called, only to break some news to me that was devestating to me. A friend whom I have much history with & we even shared a mutual love in our lives at different times who we lost to death by a motorcycle.. well he had died over the weekend the exact same way.. on a motorcycle.. with our ex's mother on the back.. also killed by the impact. My mind was blown. We had just rekindled our friendship as he recently got sober & we were seeing eachother a few times a week again, talking, sharing life & rooting eachother on sincerely. All our past resentment seeming to be a thing of the past. He is now gone & I hope in a better place. I truly believe that this attempt at Sobriety was the one that was changing his life, he died a man I was happy to call a friend again in my life with a common wholesome goal of lasting sobriety.
Hearing this tragic news I made it to MARS Group, where the meeting started by the breaking of news of his death & passing around of his obituary & news article, reliving & reminding me of the death of not only him, but our mutual ex girlfriend & her mother as well. I can only say my higher power spared me the emotional outburst that would have come out of me had my sponsor not told me just minutes prior as I drove to the meeting. The existance of my higher power is ever more clear today as it's sympathy for my pain was shown to me once again through miracle timing in my sponsors call. I shared exactly how close he & I had become and was open about how well our "roots" in life were tangled among special people lost before. The meeting went on, our topic the 5th step, admitting our wrongs to God, ourselves, and another human being. It follows the 4th step personal inventory for such reasons as to let go permanently of the fears & resentments and all our wrongs for good.. allowing spiritual healing as a result.
We adjourned there & I headed to meet my sponsor at my old monday meeting which ends a half hour later, during my arrival it was spoken about my friends death & asked for prayers for all the family & for Phil. More things were shared about the 5th step & I even got to see a friend who relapsed back to his first meeting, a glorious sight. I talked with my sponsor then headed home, needing greatly to talk to my parents & unload the stress. Upon finding out the time of the memorial for my friend tomorrow, it occured to me that I must let down another friend who needed a ride to an important appointment from me. I broke the news of the conflict in times & that I needed to go get my closure & do what I needed spiritually to let go of this turmoil in my soul. She seemed a bit deterred & turned off by it, which added more stress to my head. When I got inside to talk with my parents I had to unload it. Someone needed to hear it all at once, or I might just burst. I thank my higher power for giving them the love to endure my dumping of emotions & stress.
After explaining all of my toils & heartache to them, I felt slightly relieved. It wasn't miraculously taken away by any means, but just enough pressure fell off my shoulders that I could move a little more free within myself again. Sometimes our needs are met by our higher power in the smallest ways, giving us not complete wiping of the slate, but perhaps just making the slate bigger so we have more room to put the words surviving & having gratitude on the board with the rest. I know that a drink or drug today will not relieve the hard series of pressures or pains that I am facing, but staying sober will allow me to address them all. If I need handle each thing one at a time so be it. I am ever grateful for my sponsor, support group, my parents, and my higher power today for listening to all of my worries & giving me just enough encouragement & faith to handle them all one at a time. Just like I handle my days, one at a time, so too shall this pass. I am growing through this all, its all life circumstances that will one day build me ready to face my greatest enemy in war, the armor is growing thick. That enemy is myself & my alcoholism. Each day sober I grow stronger & more aware with skills gained through the 12 steps I am practicing to one day supress the threat & better deal with all of life's future challenges. Thanks for listening to me.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy PS. I Love You Phil! I am so proud of you for fighting until the end & being a part of the solution when our creator decided to take you home.
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Solution Points Inward, Not Outward
May 03. Its officially very early monday morning, for all returning to the work force today I hope this is the start of a wonderful week for you all. I don't want to talk too much about my weekend because the topic I have is very important to me. I do however need to share my brief thoughts on the past two days. I had quite the busy & eventful weekend, not all of it that I was present to witness but in some people's lives close to me things were all over. For my part of the weekend however things were not terrible. Not only did I survive the weekend without taking a drink or drug, I worked my business & once again succeeded at putting "treaures" into people's hands that they wanted. I also was able to help a friend by employing him to work for me as an assistant in training to my business. With that said I came home saturday & crashed from exhaustion & sunday I went out with some friends after working & enjoyed company as well as comradery. There was a bit of a opinionated & emotional display between a triangle of people on saturday, one myself, but I kept my side of the street clean during it all & left when enough was enough.
With the weekends being so demanding I don't have time to write as much as I would like sometimes, but tonight I have some time & have a topic that has changed my whole life & perspective on the world around me. It is one of the 'hinges' that my Sobriety swings on & I have to remember to keep it "well oiled" for Serenity & Spritual Fitness to be attainable. My topic tonight revolves around this simple yet difficult phrase, "The Solution Points Inward, Not Outward" . This is something that I discovered over a very diffucult & long addiction, but the realization of its truth happened nearly over night. As I explain it, it should also be said that this is something I have to continually work at because my thinking reverts to old & outward pointing ways. What exactly it means is this, when we are in devestation or despair, when we have any sort of gripes, pain, hatred, anger, jealousy, or people aren't living up to what we are expecting of them in our life.. this is all our perception & our problem. We are the ones feeling that way, our reasons may very well be something that we want to point outward at another person in blame, but the truth is that its our Spiritual being that is feeling that way not them.
An example, A friend misses another who lately has not been making any time for their friendship. The friend who is missing the distracted person is the one who has the solution & there are different ones that can work in some cases its not just one solution. Perhaps the friend calls & speaks on their feelings, or they invite the other over for a movie or games, even an option of addressing their care for the friend & chalking them off as "not so close" in their life anymore. The bottom line is although we may feel some way & it seems we are being victimized the other party is not at fault. They truly did nothing immoral to us by being distracted or possilby turned off towards friendship by something we may be doing, saying, or our own moral & life choices.
When we start to take other people's inventories we forget our own. We look at either what they are doing or not doing & we forget to think about what we are doing or not doing in return. If we are in fact keeping in touch with this friend regularly are we visiting them to deserve a visit in return? Are we providing an environment or middle ground for them to be comfortable & be themselves? If we long for them so much & they won't come to us, are we WILLING to look inside ourselves for the solution & go to them? The questions run so much deeper than this, the number of factors in any given relationship between two people cannot be measured numerically only spiritually. That line is important I want to say it again just for myself. The questions run so much deeer than this (am I doing?), the number of factors in any given relationship between two people cannot be measured numerically ONLY SPIRITUALLY!
The solution to relationships no matter if love, friendship, family, or business always points INWARD at ourselves, not OUTWARD at the other party. We need to evaluate if we are doing all that is necessary to have a relationship with that person, even if that means changing parts of us or the environment or even possibly holding back our opinions long enough to enjoy them before we turn them off to us or end up keeping them away from us completely. Afterall it is always our option to Let Go & Let God (or whatever you may call your higher power), and by doing that we are letting them step away from us if thats what they chose to do. This is the reality of spirituality, moments when this begins to become unreal is when we do things to bankrupt our spirituality. For me that was drugs & drinking alcohol, there are other ways like lying, cheating, stealing.. an endless list of immoral situations can apply here.
I challenge anyone who is having a problem with a relationship in their life, no matter the type, to just take their own inventory for a moment. Take a good, long, deep look into ourselves & find what may be keeping a person away or distant.. it may just be the simple lack of an invitation on our part, or it could be many things deeper than that. Whatever it is, the solution points in at me, not out at others. That is if I want a solution, there was a time in my life when I would rather be right than be the one to fix what was broken. There were also times in my life where I would rather make an excuse or lie so that it appeared nothing was broken too. Today my perspective is much clearer & I chose to find solutions in myself rather then work on broken pieces in others that I cannot fix, or perhaps I can through self improvement, I wouldn't know if I didn't try. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night, Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
With the weekends being so demanding I don't have time to write as much as I would like sometimes, but tonight I have some time & have a topic that has changed my whole life & perspective on the world around me. It is one of the 'hinges' that my Sobriety swings on & I have to remember to keep it "well oiled" for Serenity & Spritual Fitness to be attainable. My topic tonight revolves around this simple yet difficult phrase, "The Solution Points Inward, Not Outward" . This is something that I discovered over a very diffucult & long addiction, but the realization of its truth happened nearly over night. As I explain it, it should also be said that this is something I have to continually work at because my thinking reverts to old & outward pointing ways. What exactly it means is this, when we are in devestation or despair, when we have any sort of gripes, pain, hatred, anger, jealousy, or people aren't living up to what we are expecting of them in our life.. this is all our perception & our problem. We are the ones feeling that way, our reasons may very well be something that we want to point outward at another person in blame, but the truth is that its our Spiritual being that is feeling that way not them.
An example, A friend misses another who lately has not been making any time for their friendship. The friend who is missing the distracted person is the one who has the solution & there are different ones that can work in some cases its not just one solution. Perhaps the friend calls & speaks on their feelings, or they invite the other over for a movie or games, even an option of addressing their care for the friend & chalking them off as "not so close" in their life anymore. The bottom line is although we may feel some way & it seems we are being victimized the other party is not at fault. They truly did nothing immoral to us by being distracted or possilby turned off towards friendship by something we may be doing, saying, or our own moral & life choices.
When we start to take other people's inventories we forget our own. We look at either what they are doing or not doing & we forget to think about what we are doing or not doing in return. If we are in fact keeping in touch with this friend regularly are we visiting them to deserve a visit in return? Are we providing an environment or middle ground for them to be comfortable & be themselves? If we long for them so much & they won't come to us, are we WILLING to look inside ourselves for the solution & go to them? The questions run so much deeper than this, the number of factors in any given relationship between two people cannot be measured numerically only spiritually. That line is important I want to say it again just for myself. The questions run so much deeer than this (am I doing?), the number of factors in any given relationship between two people cannot be measured numerically ONLY SPIRITUALLY!
The solution to relationships no matter if love, friendship, family, or business always points INWARD at ourselves, not OUTWARD at the other party. We need to evaluate if we are doing all that is necessary to have a relationship with that person, even if that means changing parts of us or the environment or even possibly holding back our opinions long enough to enjoy them before we turn them off to us or end up keeping them away from us completely. Afterall it is always our option to Let Go & Let God (or whatever you may call your higher power), and by doing that we are letting them step away from us if thats what they chose to do. This is the reality of spirituality, moments when this begins to become unreal is when we do things to bankrupt our spirituality. For me that was drugs & drinking alcohol, there are other ways like lying, cheating, stealing.. an endless list of immoral situations can apply here.
I challenge anyone who is having a problem with a relationship in their life, no matter the type, to just take their own inventory for a moment. Take a good, long, deep look into ourselves & find what may be keeping a person away or distant.. it may just be the simple lack of an invitation on our part, or it could be many things deeper than that. Whatever it is, the solution points in at me, not out at others. That is if I want a solution, there was a time in my life when I would rather be right than be the one to fix what was broken. There were also times in my life where I would rather make an excuse or lie so that it appeared nothing was broken too. Today my perspective is much clearer & I chose to find solutions in myself rather then work on broken pieces in others that I cannot fix, or perhaps I can through self improvement, I wouldn't know if I didn't try. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night, Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Together Again - The Family's Love
May 1. Well its officially May now that its past midnight & only two weeks to my birthday. I will finally be able to celebrate my birthday as it should always have been, a celebration of my life on this earth & another year of experiences. For over a decade my birthday was a reason to get intoxicated & demand money or things that I could exchange for drugs or buy drinks. I never truly stopped during those spiritually bankrupt years to appreciate the life I was given, the freedom of having my own will, and also never realized that if I chose to use my will to do someone else's (like my higher power's will) that I could feel something greater than any high or drunk could produce. So friday has come & gone, this thought was what entered my mind.
Today was very productive, I got all my work done at my store in preperation for the weekend. I also got to spend alot of time & have lunch with my mother, then enjoyed a dinner with her & my father. When we meet for dinner every friday I feel the fertility of family love, the potential for new things to be born into our relationship. It was something that was absent for me as a teenager and beyond because family dinner was abolished. It was not anyone's choice to do so, perhaps nobody's but my own. My parents were busy working & running a business at the same time, the more we just ate on the fly coming or going the more peices family dinner crumbled into. My sister's had not been home for quite some time & we were only able to have that family kind of dinner for so long without them.. a new tradition for the three of us left behind never was started, until now in my Sobriety.
I also went to my home group this evening & we had our monthly business meeting there as well, but I want to stay on the track of my previous paragraph. Family! Birth of Good Things! Confusion! Misunderstanding! These are all things that can some up the swirl of change that occured back in those years if I were to spew it out as brief one word phrases to describe it. At some point I am sure that I could have made the call out, the cry in the dark to say I want to have a family dinner again. The fact is that I misunderstood what was happening slowly & destructively in my life. I was a young man/old boy however you should say it, I had friends in the neighborhood. Some were great friends, some were bad. No one intentionally lead me in the wrong direction or hurt me on purpose but alot of needing these friends developed in my heart.
I can remember being punished for carrying on about how I wanted to be with my friends not doing work with the family that needed to be done. I never knew that the seperation that grew from that family unit I knew as a child was going to allow room for confusion & a terrible disease to creep into my spiritual life. I tasted freedom at a young age, placing myself at the epicenter of my friends & their activities good & bad. Alcohol was tried by 12, marijuana 13.5, and LSD by 15 years old. All under the roof of my family, all progressing further the farther I inched away from the family unit. I can't say if it was forced on me to be an active & constant family member that my disease would not have ever appeared, I believe if it didn't come to be one way it would have another. I can just say this, if ever I could give advice to any parent out there it would go as follows in regaurds to addiction.
This month being my birthday is no coincidence, from birth I believe a parent needs to know about alcoholism/addiction & the fact that no matter how much love is in a family it can still penetrate even the love of the creator. If you think that because you raise your kids to do the right thing, to believe in a faith & attend a church, they win awards for academics, sports, and place well in school... you don't abuse them or use foul language, you don't drink around them or drink at all, and you seem to have allowed them to have a good social life & do not shelter them so they do not grow weak in society... you can do ALL OF THIS as my family did & the disease can still find its way into your child's life. I never wanted to drink alcohol, I never wanted to do a drug & I certainly never wanted to test the fatal methods of introducing drugs into my body.. the fact is that it happened. If you love your children keep them close, teach them, if you don't know don't be afriad.. there are millions of people in recovery who want you to know all of our secrets, all of the tricks we used to conceal our disease.
If your child is or becomes an alcoholic it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Its not THEIR fault, it simply just IS. As there is a higher power of mystery & miracles that simply IS, so the disease of alcoholism simply IS also. What leads us there is a mystery for certain, as we still don't know how people who never smoked a day in their life get lung cancer.. but doctors have a clue that alcoholism is attained at birth but never awakened until the situations are right. I love my family so much more than I ever have now that I am in recovery, I feel it all the more. I also feel that although we cannot ensure that our child will not be alcoholic, we can keep them so dear to us that we give them every chance for it to never awaken that phenomenon of craving. Love with all your heart & put the children first.. sometimes that means putting down your hardhat or shutting off the vaccum long enough to talk together, eat dinner together, play together & Love TOGETHER. There's a silent liar, theif, & murderer out there waiting to snatch all the beautiful children in our lives.. My nephew & nieces I pray will not be among those taken, if the love of family lives on in my heart. Thanks for listening to my thoughts & hopes, I am so grateful to have friends like you to listen to my opinions & what I have learned as I journey out of the dark & into the light. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Today was very productive, I got all my work done at my store in preperation for the weekend. I also got to spend alot of time & have lunch with my mother, then enjoyed a dinner with her & my father. When we meet for dinner every friday I feel the fertility of family love, the potential for new things to be born into our relationship. It was something that was absent for me as a teenager and beyond because family dinner was abolished. It was not anyone's choice to do so, perhaps nobody's but my own. My parents were busy working & running a business at the same time, the more we just ate on the fly coming or going the more peices family dinner crumbled into. My sister's had not been home for quite some time & we were only able to have that family kind of dinner for so long without them.. a new tradition for the three of us left behind never was started, until now in my Sobriety.
I also went to my home group this evening & we had our monthly business meeting there as well, but I want to stay on the track of my previous paragraph. Family! Birth of Good Things! Confusion! Misunderstanding! These are all things that can some up the swirl of change that occured back in those years if I were to spew it out as brief one word phrases to describe it. At some point I am sure that I could have made the call out, the cry in the dark to say I want to have a family dinner again. The fact is that I misunderstood what was happening slowly & destructively in my life. I was a young man/old boy however you should say it, I had friends in the neighborhood. Some were great friends, some were bad. No one intentionally lead me in the wrong direction or hurt me on purpose but alot of needing these friends developed in my heart.
I can remember being punished for carrying on about how I wanted to be with my friends not doing work with the family that needed to be done. I never knew that the seperation that grew from that family unit I knew as a child was going to allow room for confusion & a terrible disease to creep into my spiritual life. I tasted freedom at a young age, placing myself at the epicenter of my friends & their activities good & bad. Alcohol was tried by 12, marijuana 13.5, and LSD by 15 years old. All under the roof of my family, all progressing further the farther I inched away from the family unit. I can't say if it was forced on me to be an active & constant family member that my disease would not have ever appeared, I believe if it didn't come to be one way it would have another. I can just say this, if ever I could give advice to any parent out there it would go as follows in regaurds to addiction.
This month being my birthday is no coincidence, from birth I believe a parent needs to know about alcoholism/addiction & the fact that no matter how much love is in a family it can still penetrate even the love of the creator. If you think that because you raise your kids to do the right thing, to believe in a faith & attend a church, they win awards for academics, sports, and place well in school... you don't abuse them or use foul language, you don't drink around them or drink at all, and you seem to have allowed them to have a good social life & do not shelter them so they do not grow weak in society... you can do ALL OF THIS as my family did & the disease can still find its way into your child's life. I never wanted to drink alcohol, I never wanted to do a drug & I certainly never wanted to test the fatal methods of introducing drugs into my body.. the fact is that it happened. If you love your children keep them close, teach them, if you don't know don't be afriad.. there are millions of people in recovery who want you to know all of our secrets, all of the tricks we used to conceal our disease.
If your child is or becomes an alcoholic it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Its not THEIR fault, it simply just IS. As there is a higher power of mystery & miracles that simply IS, so the disease of alcoholism simply IS also. What leads us there is a mystery for certain, as we still don't know how people who never smoked a day in their life get lung cancer.. but doctors have a clue that alcoholism is attained at birth but never awakened until the situations are right. I love my family so much more than I ever have now that I am in recovery, I feel it all the more. I also feel that although we cannot ensure that our child will not be alcoholic, we can keep them so dear to us that we give them every chance for it to never awaken that phenomenon of craving. Love with all your heart & put the children first.. sometimes that means putting down your hardhat or shutting off the vaccum long enough to talk together, eat dinner together, play together & Love TOGETHER. There's a silent liar, theif, & murderer out there waiting to snatch all the beautiful children in our lives.. My nephew & nieces I pray will not be among those taken, if the love of family lives on in my heart. Thanks for listening to my thoughts & hopes, I am so grateful to have friends like you to listen to my opinions & what I have learned as I journey out of the dark & into the light. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Thursday, April 29, 2010
A Spiritual Awakening - What Drives Us To Change
April 29. Another great day my friends & I hope all you had a good one as well. I wasn't initially looking forward to today because I had alot of work to get done as well as a busy night ahead. By doing what's suggested & turning it over to my higher power I was able to accept today for "everything it's supposed to be at that given time". I started my morning out by picking up a friend & heading back to my house. After loading 2 cars with merchandise & my mom helping out we headed up to my business spot to unload all the new stuff & change the floor plan. Not only did we accomplish an immense amount of work, it was a great bonding time & a day to appreciate friend being in service of friend.
By 3 o'clock we had finished & had to be out of the marketplace so they could close the doors til tomorrow. I took my friend home & went to my house to relax before venturing out again for the evening. I ended up doing research instead of getting rest, which will make for better sleep tonight I hope anyway. Again "as it should be". In the later evening I headed out to a celebration meeting for a good friend in the 12 step program I belong to. There was a family member speaker sharing a message from their perspective & also an alcoholic speaker, both passing phenominal messages across to the rather large crowd. They both kept it as real as it gets when it comes to talking about the lethal disease & how it truly affects those afflicted & the world around them. The meeting wrapped up, I talked with friends & my sponsor then offered my services to clean up a bit in the kitchen.
After the meeting I met up with a great friend sober well over a decade, chatting as the final others left the parking lot. We talked so long & deep on some things that I really got out a good amount of alcoholic troubles that might otherwise have stayed trapped up unvented. He as well got to share much strength & experience with me in return & we talked of past mistakes in reflection. To learn from those mistakes today & correct the defects within us that caused them is a big part of our spiritual growth in Sobriety. An equally large part of it that I have not yet reached the step to commit to is ammendments. They are when you make right what wrongs you may have commited in your active addiction or even in Sobriety if things pop up. They truly are the sign of spiritual growth, because making ammends voluntarily is completely possible because of the spiritual awakening we have. It's the same spiritual awakening that we hit on the return from our bottom in addiciton/alcoholism, the one that helps us realize we are powerless & that we needed the help of something else to get sober.
This man remembered when my family had a grocery store, almost two decades ago now. He remembers a young boy giving him change for a 20 dollar bill when he paid with a 10. The spiritual awakening that has made his sobriety such a quality that I want it in my own life, is the same power that caused him to say & do what he did tonight. As I told the story of my parents owning the store, he remember it & the event of me as a child giving the wrong change back. The strength in his spiritual program has made this wonderful man Spiritually FIT enough to reach in his pocket tonight & return to me the difference of that mistaken transaction I made as a young boy. I did not want to accept the money, but in needing to keep his side of the street clean to keep his spiritual condition, he insisted I keep it. This act of honor, dignity, & spiritual greatness sent chills down my spine & still does as I write about it now.
Upon leaving I called my mother & told her I needed her to wait up, I needed to tell her something. I rushed home with that money in my pocket & told my mother that a man did a great thing tonight. I relayed the event that happened as a child & handed her the money that was missing from her register almost 20 years ago now.. As she cried from the joy, not from money, it was a joy of what the 12 STEPS can do to a person's life. I wanted to cry knowing that I want this man's brand of sobriety & that if he has become such a benevolent being in this world that I, her son, may some day too. I need only remember the feeling I had when I awoken spiritually. Perhaps someday I will share it with you all in detail. I need to never forget that because each spiritual movement that I have, like this kind man of change giving back a few simple dollars out of faith in his program, each of these experiences gives me more momentum in working the 12 steps in my own life. One day at a time, one spiritual experience & a great spiritual awakening later perhaps one day I will reach spiritual greatness. Until then I feel that I cannot surround myself by too many people like this man tonight, it will be the first time I actually want to be a product of my environment. For now.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
By 3 o'clock we had finished & had to be out of the marketplace so they could close the doors til tomorrow. I took my friend home & went to my house to relax before venturing out again for the evening. I ended up doing research instead of getting rest, which will make for better sleep tonight I hope anyway. Again "as it should be". In the later evening I headed out to a celebration meeting for a good friend in the 12 step program I belong to. There was a family member speaker sharing a message from their perspective & also an alcoholic speaker, both passing phenominal messages across to the rather large crowd. They both kept it as real as it gets when it comes to talking about the lethal disease & how it truly affects those afflicted & the world around them. The meeting wrapped up, I talked with friends & my sponsor then offered my services to clean up a bit in the kitchen.
After the meeting I met up with a great friend sober well over a decade, chatting as the final others left the parking lot. We talked so long & deep on some things that I really got out a good amount of alcoholic troubles that might otherwise have stayed trapped up unvented. He as well got to share much strength & experience with me in return & we talked of past mistakes in reflection. To learn from those mistakes today & correct the defects within us that caused them is a big part of our spiritual growth in Sobriety. An equally large part of it that I have not yet reached the step to commit to is ammendments. They are when you make right what wrongs you may have commited in your active addiction or even in Sobriety if things pop up. They truly are the sign of spiritual growth, because making ammends voluntarily is completely possible because of the spiritual awakening we have. It's the same spiritual awakening that we hit on the return from our bottom in addiciton/alcoholism, the one that helps us realize we are powerless & that we needed the help of something else to get sober.
This man remembered when my family had a grocery store, almost two decades ago now. He remembers a young boy giving him change for a 20 dollar bill when he paid with a 10. The spiritual awakening that has made his sobriety such a quality that I want it in my own life, is the same power that caused him to say & do what he did tonight. As I told the story of my parents owning the store, he remember it & the event of me as a child giving the wrong change back. The strength in his spiritual program has made this wonderful man Spiritually FIT enough to reach in his pocket tonight & return to me the difference of that mistaken transaction I made as a young boy. I did not want to accept the money, but in needing to keep his side of the street clean to keep his spiritual condition, he insisted I keep it. This act of honor, dignity, & spiritual greatness sent chills down my spine & still does as I write about it now.
Upon leaving I called my mother & told her I needed her to wait up, I needed to tell her something. I rushed home with that money in my pocket & told my mother that a man did a great thing tonight. I relayed the event that happened as a child & handed her the money that was missing from her register almost 20 years ago now.. As she cried from the joy, not from money, it was a joy of what the 12 STEPS can do to a person's life. I wanted to cry knowing that I want this man's brand of sobriety & that if he has become such a benevolent being in this world that I, her son, may some day too. I need only remember the feeling I had when I awoken spiritually. Perhaps someday I will share it with you all in detail. I need to never forget that because each spiritual movement that I have, like this kind man of change giving back a few simple dollars out of faith in his program, each of these experiences gives me more momentum in working the 12 steps in my own life. One day at a time, one spiritual experience & a great spiritual awakening later perhaps one day I will reach spiritual greatness. Until then I feel that I cannot surround myself by too many people like this man tonight, it will be the first time I actually want to be a product of my environment. For now.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Service Is Love - Love Is Work
April 28. Hey friends, hope your wednesday was as productive as mine. Either that or I hope it flew by for you all. I got so much done today it was suprising, even though it wasn't a huge amount it was more than I had planned to accomplish & that doesn't happen often. I started out the morning waiting for mom to get back from watching my nephew, after a shower I was out the door & off to an appointment. I had to take a good friend to an appointment at the same time, just one building over. Funny how things work out like that for people heading in the right direction, strange & helpful conveinences appear out of nowhere. In any case we finished up that & enjoyed a nice long ride up & through the hills of the Abingtons, catching the stretch view of my old job.. the magificantly grown & groomed Country Club of Scranton. It didn't used to always look that way & in ages past it looked even better as well. Kind of like many of us who entered addiction/alcoholism we were in better shape before, but much better shape in a way after recovery.
I dropped my friend off then headed out to another stop I had to make, finding out some dissapointing facts about a misconception I had with an agency that I am dealing with from the state government level. I got over that with a phone call to talk to my mom about it & came home, soon after I got a call to meet mom & dad for dinner out on the town. We had a good time & I had to be off to get some hi-tech needs for my business & other stuff. I got a call I didn't expect from an old friend struggling with his disease. He & his girlfriend wanted me to take them to a meeting. Joyous news, even if it was provoked by a judge & legal issues. Any exposure to the fellowship is a chance that they may hear what they need to & finally end their sick & suffering ways. So attend we did & a wonderful topic ensued. I volunteered to help the entire month of may doing service work & setting up the meeting because they announced a dire need for help.
The service work I do for others in the fellowship always greatly enhances my spiritual condition, nearing me closer to spiritual fitness all the while I participate. My friends headed home & so did I, enjoying upgrading my mom's phone & mine with new memory cards. So that leads me to tonight, I spoke a little about what I wanted to mention already, but this busy day was a great day sober. Its worth note to say that because any day I can accomplish everday needs, help a friend & family, volunteer to do service work, do necessary shopping for my career & stay sober... WOW. I didn't have to bat an eye, the thought of my past ways didnt even enter my mind with such a full day of healthy distractions from my disease. The best distraction of all was helping another alcoholic/addict today, in a sense service work.
Service work is so vital, not just attending the meetings but being a part of their lifeline. Everything from bringing new guests that have a drug or alcohol problem.. all the way to making coffee or moving chairs is vital participation that the fellowship could not live without. Its not a list of places & members that go there that comprise the fellowship, its a working moving orchestra all playing to the tune of sobriety. There is no conducter, belief in a higher power supplys the tempo at which we perform. All of this picture I paint is to help remind me that without my participation in service work, one less alcoholic may get sober. If it hadn't been done for the past 75 years before me, then I might not have the miracle of sobriety in my life today. My higher power got me sober, but by leading me to the rooms of the 12 Steps. By no means was I touched by a magical power that completely removed my disease, the compulsions, or the past that I work not to relive.
In short, the best honor we can do for anyone we care about is service work. I care about not only my fellow alcoholics & addicts but my fellow human being. I offer myself in service to as many as I can, putting only my own need to stay sober first & only because I can do nothing for anyone if I am not sober. Does staying sober require for me to enjoy life? Certainly! That is why I need an income, friends, & to do things that make me happy. Without them Sobriety would not be do'able because misery would make me not want it in my life. Although things can be tough, I am multiples happier then I ever was on my best day high or drunk. Good times are not forgotten, only outlived by even better ones today. I believe that if we truly love something we will be of service to it, like our husbands or wives, our higher power, our sobriety.. & for me.. all such things & most importantly my fellow alcoholic. It is fellow alcoholics who have done service for me to get me as far as I have come, & I WILL return that duty of service whenever I am needed so long as my higher power makes it possible. Thanks for listening to my day & my joys.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
I dropped my friend off then headed out to another stop I had to make, finding out some dissapointing facts about a misconception I had with an agency that I am dealing with from the state government level. I got over that with a phone call to talk to my mom about it & came home, soon after I got a call to meet mom & dad for dinner out on the town. We had a good time & I had to be off to get some hi-tech needs for my business & other stuff. I got a call I didn't expect from an old friend struggling with his disease. He & his girlfriend wanted me to take them to a meeting. Joyous news, even if it was provoked by a judge & legal issues. Any exposure to the fellowship is a chance that they may hear what they need to & finally end their sick & suffering ways. So attend we did & a wonderful topic ensued. I volunteered to help the entire month of may doing service work & setting up the meeting because they announced a dire need for help.
The service work I do for others in the fellowship always greatly enhances my spiritual condition, nearing me closer to spiritual fitness all the while I participate. My friends headed home & so did I, enjoying upgrading my mom's phone & mine with new memory cards. So that leads me to tonight, I spoke a little about what I wanted to mention already, but this busy day was a great day sober. Its worth note to say that because any day I can accomplish everday needs, help a friend & family, volunteer to do service work, do necessary shopping for my career & stay sober... WOW. I didn't have to bat an eye, the thought of my past ways didnt even enter my mind with such a full day of healthy distractions from my disease. The best distraction of all was helping another alcoholic/addict today, in a sense service work.
Service work is so vital, not just attending the meetings but being a part of their lifeline. Everything from bringing new guests that have a drug or alcohol problem.. all the way to making coffee or moving chairs is vital participation that the fellowship could not live without. Its not a list of places & members that go there that comprise the fellowship, its a working moving orchestra all playing to the tune of sobriety. There is no conducter, belief in a higher power supplys the tempo at which we perform. All of this picture I paint is to help remind me that without my participation in service work, one less alcoholic may get sober. If it hadn't been done for the past 75 years before me, then I might not have the miracle of sobriety in my life today. My higher power got me sober, but by leading me to the rooms of the 12 Steps. By no means was I touched by a magical power that completely removed my disease, the compulsions, or the past that I work not to relive.
In short, the best honor we can do for anyone we care about is service work. I care about not only my fellow alcoholics & addicts but my fellow human being. I offer myself in service to as many as I can, putting only my own need to stay sober first & only because I can do nothing for anyone if I am not sober. Does staying sober require for me to enjoy life? Certainly! That is why I need an income, friends, & to do things that make me happy. Without them Sobriety would not be do'able because misery would make me not want it in my life. Although things can be tough, I am multiples happier then I ever was on my best day high or drunk. Good times are not forgotten, only outlived by even better ones today. I believe that if we truly love something we will be of service to it, like our husbands or wives, our higher power, our sobriety.. & for me.. all such things & most importantly my fellow alcoholic. It is fellow alcoholics who have done service for me to get me as far as I have come, & I WILL return that duty of service whenever I am needed so long as my higher power makes it possible. Thanks for listening to my day & my joys.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
You Give Me Something To Believe In - Attraction v.s. Promotion
April 27. Hello to all my friends again. I want to remind all who read my daily writings how much I appreciate your support. To be a voice that is heard, even if only by one person's ears, is something irreplacable. When I used to have nothing constructive or passionate to say I longed for the voice I am able to speak with today. Speaking of today it wasn't half bad. I was really lazy throughout the morning. Around 7 I woke up & tinkered online for a while then paced the house from 9 til 10 expecting my mom to get home. I had forgotten she was going to paint at my grandmother's house for the day. When she did arrive though it was a double wammy, she not only was home but she brought a carload of merchandise for my business that was acquired from my grandmother & her aunt. I was a little too tired to be stoked right away but the more I thought of it the more I reflected on how much I appreciate all she does for me.
I was totally beat from not sleeping well, I am currently working on training my body to have more regular sleep paterns & its a very odd battle to persue. The years of devestation & recklessness on my body has made for a difficult time sleeping alone, strangley enough with someone nearby me sleeping as well I can sleep like a baby. I think the answer is deep within my subconscience & also has to do with growing more spiritually. The more that is let go, the less can afflict my rest. So after waking again I got ready & headed to a meeting tonight, unaware it was a celebration meeting & I was running a few minutes late. I ended up arriving & not missing a beat, they must have gotten a slow or late start. When I saw it was a warm person I know in the fellowship celebrating 8 years I was glad I had made it. The meeting went on in usual format & the guest speaker came up.
The speaker was a man I know from many short conversations & through friendship with my sponsor as well. I never really knew much about him but I always had an admiration for his brand of Sobriety & his calm cool & collected nature. In short words, he has what I want. Hearing his story explained so much to me about where he had come from & where he is now. What a difference in people that truly practice spiritual principles in their life, its a staggering comparison. It gives me hope, faith.. "IT GIVES ME SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN!" As he was barraged with many people thanking him for his great message I did not get to specifically tell him that but I plan to at our next home group meeting on friday. I just want to let him know, "You give me something to believe in".
That reminds me of one of the traditions of the fellowship, as it has 12 steps it also has 12 traditions. One of which, tradition 11, states "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films". Its because of this tradition that I do not just come out & say which fellowship I belong to, however I am unafraid & make it clear enough that with a little reasearch one can find out what 12 step program has performed the miracles in my life. In any case, tonights speaker reminded me of this tradition. His story, his words, the way he carries himself & lives his life Sober & Spiritual even through hard times.. it attracts me to the fellowship, its twelve steps, and to follow suggestions like he did to get where he is spiritually today.
I was attracted to what he has, without even a single promotion from him or anyone else to spark my desire for it. The brand of sobriety he has clings to the 12 steps & daily maitenence of his spiritual condition. I once heard a saying "I came to the meeting tonight to see what condition my condition is in." That is motivation enough, its a reality that if I don't keep myself in check & close to what works, nothing will work for me. I have heard many times people speak about how they got sober without a program, some claiming to get sober without a higher power also.. I have seen each one of those people return to the drink or drug of choice, once again needing a miracle to get back out. I have also seen the metamorphasis of people like that, finally giving their will over & embracing the program. The were attracted by people who were actually happy in life & that attained lasting sobriety. Attraction over promotion!
Today more than ever, after hearing the man speak at this celebration, I am convinced that if I follow the path of the 12 Steps, continue to have a relationship with my higher power, and walk in the footsteps of those who have a brand of Sobriety in their life that I want in mine that I will be able to grow to spiritual greatness & achieve the Serenity that carries them through life's most difficult challenges in a sober victory. To everyone out there who has something in their spiritual life that I want in my own I want to say THANKS!!! You Give Me Something To Believe In! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
I was totally beat from not sleeping well, I am currently working on training my body to have more regular sleep paterns & its a very odd battle to persue. The years of devestation & recklessness on my body has made for a difficult time sleeping alone, strangley enough with someone nearby me sleeping as well I can sleep like a baby. I think the answer is deep within my subconscience & also has to do with growing more spiritually. The more that is let go, the less can afflict my rest. So after waking again I got ready & headed to a meeting tonight, unaware it was a celebration meeting & I was running a few minutes late. I ended up arriving & not missing a beat, they must have gotten a slow or late start. When I saw it was a warm person I know in the fellowship celebrating 8 years I was glad I had made it. The meeting went on in usual format & the guest speaker came up.
The speaker was a man I know from many short conversations & through friendship with my sponsor as well. I never really knew much about him but I always had an admiration for his brand of Sobriety & his calm cool & collected nature. In short words, he has what I want. Hearing his story explained so much to me about where he had come from & where he is now. What a difference in people that truly practice spiritual principles in their life, its a staggering comparison. It gives me hope, faith.. "IT GIVES ME SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN!" As he was barraged with many people thanking him for his great message I did not get to specifically tell him that but I plan to at our next home group meeting on friday. I just want to let him know, "You give me something to believe in".
That reminds me of one of the traditions of the fellowship, as it has 12 steps it also has 12 traditions. One of which, tradition 11, states "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films". Its because of this tradition that I do not just come out & say which fellowship I belong to, however I am unafraid & make it clear enough that with a little reasearch one can find out what 12 step program has performed the miracles in my life. In any case, tonights speaker reminded me of this tradition. His story, his words, the way he carries himself & lives his life Sober & Spiritual even through hard times.. it attracts me to the fellowship, its twelve steps, and to follow suggestions like he did to get where he is spiritually today.
I was attracted to what he has, without even a single promotion from him or anyone else to spark my desire for it. The brand of sobriety he has clings to the 12 steps & daily maitenence of his spiritual condition. I once heard a saying "I came to the meeting tonight to see what condition my condition is in." That is motivation enough, its a reality that if I don't keep myself in check & close to what works, nothing will work for me. I have heard many times people speak about how they got sober without a program, some claiming to get sober without a higher power also.. I have seen each one of those people return to the drink or drug of choice, once again needing a miracle to get back out. I have also seen the metamorphasis of people like that, finally giving their will over & embracing the program. The were attracted by people who were actually happy in life & that attained lasting sobriety. Attraction over promotion!
Today more than ever, after hearing the man speak at this celebration, I am convinced that if I follow the path of the 12 Steps, continue to have a relationship with my higher power, and walk in the footsteps of those who have a brand of Sobriety in their life that I want in mine that I will be able to grow to spiritual greatness & achieve the Serenity that carries them through life's most difficult challenges in a sober victory. To everyone out there who has something in their spiritual life that I want in my own I want to say THANKS!!! You Give Me Something To Believe In! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
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