Why Not Me? - Selfish Wishes & Wants

July 25. Hello everyone. A great day to be alive & remember that I am only human. After a long day with some high & low moments in my mind & emotions I realize this more than ever. I thank my Higher Power that I am not perfect, nor do I have to be, because if I had to uphold that on a day like today I would have failed. The most important thing is that I survived the day sober so that my next opportunity I have to grow spiritually I am not behind several steps like I was in the past. I started the morning out picking up a friend that wanted to help me work at my shop since I helped them out with some things they needed. It was nice not to be alone for the day & to not have to worry about anyone stealing anything during my cigarette breaks. My friend left a little early & I ended up closing up as I usually do, starting a half hour before closing & finishing as the lights get cut out. I guess that the day was probably long for them being their first time out to help me, or maybe they had personal matters or engagements to attend to. For some reason I almost took it personal when they left, but the thought occured to me that I was being selfish by having any expectations at all. I think that selfishness has plagued on me alot recently in certain areas of my life. I went on with my day & on my way home to just clear my head & distract myself I stopped to see a friend who was swimming at a nearby pond a few miles from my house. After a little bit of sun & too much of the heat after a long day I came home to cool off & relax.

My alarm went off & it was time to start getting ready for the evening. My friend who was supposed to go "with" me to the meeting had decided that they did want to go to the meeting too, but with someone else. I try to be a very humble person, all my higher power has given me is really quite the gift. This is where those human reminders kick in because I selfishly began to think.. "I wonder when someone will want to be around me like that, so that I am the one not getting the call or notice that they are "with" so & so, or going with "so & so", and when I really get to being in my selfish, I wonder oughtright when it will be my turn for someone to desire me instead of being the one told that plans changed. This human flaw is one some would call jealousy, maybe so, I rather call it selfishness. It is truly nothing of anything that I want to be. Maybe it's the way I am programed, or the way many of us just are, but I am willing to work on this area of myself & my thinking. I can only be a better friend, brother, son, or whatever role I play in any given relationship if I work on this selfish craving. Besides actually finding someone that is mutually interested in me at the level I would like to experience, the only way I know how to combat this inner selfishness to be "desired" by another is to give more of myself to others. People who don't know why this solution works may never be the spiritual type who see the benefit of helping others, but it is a cure to the soul that works better than anything I know or have experienced.

I realize that many times in my life I had been the "object" of someone's affection or desires, I even more acknowledge the fact that during those times I was a very spiritually sick person in the prime of my disease. Back then I had ruined everything, every chance someone paid me mind or entered my life, I somehow managed to squeeze the life out of it through constant using of drugs, drinking, & taking that person for all I could get out of them. There is still a selfish part of me that I have come to realize is not alcoholic, but simply human. That is to always want some sort of selfish things from various relationships & from the world itself. The primary difference between the past, in my addiction, and now in sobriety is this though. I know today that I am not only willing, but capable of giving so much of myself in return for the things I really want in life. They are the type of things that a person prays about when alone, all of those things that lift a smiler wider & put a pep in their step. They are as giving as they are recieving & work like a magical magnet, pulling as another pushes. I can only benefit to realize that everything happens on the universe's time & my higher power's time, not my own. These things I wish for, as little or big as they may be, will come in good time if they are to come at all. I cannot create them, they will just happen because I am myself & the people I care about are themselves. No amount of effort other than bettering myself & doing spiritual work for the world around me can influence it into being the selfish way I want it. The only way my selfish "wants & wishes" are met if someone else own selfish needs are the same. I want to thank all of the examples of this I have seen in the past few days for helping me to understand, all the great people that have helped share their thoughts & talk with me about their own experiences, and my higher power for helping me realize that no matter what the outcome, "It's worth being a good person" and that "It's not selfish to want what everyone else does". Not too selfish anyway. All in good time, One Day At A Time. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy