Flying Solo? - Importance Of Others

August 01. Well I guess I kicked off August in a good way, despite some setbacks & shortcomings in my life I am marching on. I hope all of you had a wonderful July. Due to me getting sober in that month last year it will always be a special & pivitol time in my life, a holiday if you will. Saturday morning I headed off to run my shop, I was feeling down in the dumps over some personal relationships with friends in my life going sour, among some other things I've been stressing over. I could almost say in the beginning of the day that I didn't want to be there, but withing the first hour there my attitude changed. Maybe it was just routine, or maybe it was my higher power lending a hand, but I decided to try to stay as positive as possible. Somehow what was a terribly slow day for business & one that my personal life had me asking a bunch of unanswerable questions to myself, I emerged from the day a little better than Friday night & Saturday morning had put me. I didn't stay out late on saturday, I didn't even stay up late, but sleep was broken up with some constant dreams of the awakening kind. This morning I can recall snoozing my alarm several times, I don't remember if my subconscience was telling me I am too tired or if I was feeling depressed but about the time I should have been out the door already, I snapped out of it.

Thanks to the help of others I have the desire to continue on today, even through difficult or challenging circumstances. When I got to the marketplace it was slow, my being late was luckily irrelevant because there were no customers really around yet. I set up quickly & was open for business, enjoying a morning chat with one of my neighbor vendors. I even got to see a friend, his new baby & girlfriend, who stayed to talk about a half hour with me. Funny how my higher power threw me exactly what I needed to stay out of my head, positive, & at my best to run my business for the day. Things picked up & I can actually say it was worthwhile to be open for business, financially & socially for me. By the end of the day I was more than happy to leave, I had to work extra & rush at the end because I needed to bring exra cases & merchandise with me for a new marketplace I have begun selling jewelry at on wednesdays. I pushed through & made it out the door as they were cutting the lights. I called my parents & they brightened my day with good news & their usual optimistic cheer. They had bought me extra tables I needed for my business to grow at the new location, I would nominate them as saints if there were a way to do so. Since getting to know me in sobriety, they have become my number one supporters & source of strength & reliability. I took their good news with me the rest of the evening, deciding to stay out of my head, out of the theories of why people have to hurt others selfishly. I went out for a while to play poker & socialize over coffee, had an excellent time & came home early.

I thought an excellent thing to mention tonight as a topic would be to talk about the importance of others in a sober person's life. In active addiction many of us wanted accomplices or help getting our drugs but very little help using them when money got tight. I know for myself, being a lone wolf was appealing because it meant that I need not return favors or support someone else, I could just worry about me & what I needed to do to survive. Alot of people don't understand that we did not have a luxury of chosing to use drugs or drink, that it was indeed survival & a necessity for so long. In my search for happiness through the use of drugs & drinking I had cast all but a few people in my life away. Those few were the ones who I knew I could still use later down the line or that were giving me immediate help for my needs at that period of time. Others were only important if I couldn't get things myself, if I didn't have money that day, or if something came up I couldn't handle myself. It's only now, over a year sober, that I truly realize how important others are in my life. Without my loving parents I would never have made it this far in my recovery, the odds were stacked heavily against me in all areas & I was at a helpless bottom when I began this journey. I also would not have a business today if it were not for them and also for a great man who gave me my start in merchandise & jewelry, just so he could see a guy get ahead. Even my cousin played a vital role in my beginning a business, although he didn't fund me or work for me, he split my first space with me on monthly rent & sold his own goods beside me. For these things, I needed & still need others to help me.

Without allowing others to get close to me & to help me, I would not be sober today. My sponsor & I have helped eachother through many hard moments in our lives, through friendship, honesty, & understanding. My close friends Tom & Jason have been vital "others" in my life, for standing by me & allowing me to stand by them in moments of greatness, achievement, & hardship. If I were just given a manual for life, and I have been in the publication of the 12 Steps, it would do me no good without others to show me how to use it or how it works. It's because I don't have to do it alone that I can do it at all. For those reading this that think you don't need anyone or anything, that you are self made & self supporting, I cannot appeal to you what your missing. You have to experience the joys of having other people closely tied to the strings that hold your life together in order to see how the ones who hurt you were all worth while. A recent blow to my heart & ego was inflicted by someone I had close in my life for many years, in & out of sobriety. If I held their actions against the world, I would be colder & want no one to be a part of my life again. I am only fortunate enough to know that the spiritually sick will be sick, until they wish to be well, and that they do not define what the rest of the people I meet will be. So when it gets hard, when we get hurt, when its so busy in our brains we just want to get away from everyone & everything, I hope we all can realize & remember the "Importance Of Others". We can only be our greatest if there is someone else to experience us. To everyone who has been so great to me.. I hope that one day I can be my greatest self towards you, a human & spiritual being, that you were proud to know. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy