December 02. Hello friends, December is underway. The countdown to Christmas & all the other holidays is on the way. I hope everyone has a Happy Haunikah & Merry Christmas this season. With the passing of Thanksgiving I have been reflecting on all I have to be grateful for, but also my brain has been packed full of constant movement because of the grand opening of my new store. The intensity started a few weeks ago when the work began on the new location & has shifted into a stringent schedule of running the shop then making meetings for my spiritual health afterwards. I seem to be holding up rather well, but emotionally there are some things going on under the surface that I could use some help with from my Higher Power. I'll begin w/ my love live, not to be too personal, but I am trying to have one eventually. A few options or avenues have presented themselves to me & I cannot see a clear "good thing" for me to go after as of yet, but I haven't exactly been able to explore anywhere past phone conversations with any of my friends as recent bombardment of responsibility & spiritual work. I am dealing with this okay, but have a lot of wonder in my mind which can be harmful to my disease's recovery process. Next I am balancing emotions about family, with my Grandmother being very ill from the Cancer & a countless amount of other health problems, I have been in denial of alot of my emotions & reality. Yesterday I had my monthly doctors visit, I didn't want to stay long because I had to visit my grandmother because she was awake & conscious to talk to.. I had much I wanted to say. I ended having to stay twice as long as I had hope, but I luckily accepted it & turned it over to my Higher Power as what must be right at the moment, feeling a little resentful about it though & asking for it to take it away from me immediately. That helped too somehow. I checked on my shop, meeting a customer & making a quick sale then closing up officially for the night so I could go see Gram. When I got there I was crushed, to see her in the condition I did was painful & sadenning to the depth of my soul. I swallowed down that despair & raised my voice to an upbeat tone, telling my Nanna that I love her so much & I wanted to come see her. I grabbed her hand & rubbed it for around 20 mintues while nurses were in & out to do bloodwork & check vitals etc. I stared her over, as she nodded to my questions & pointed occasionally to some things she wanted to point out. She could not talk as tubes were down her throat to vent her weakened lungs. So much was hurting me, I could not stay long, my stomache was empty & suddenly got a sharp pitted pain that I think was brought through by stress without dinner. I needed to go have some reflection time & to take a break from the shop further, so I went to play cards & see friends, picking up my spirits a little bit more. Later I went to an old friends house & tried to stay distracted, which helped a bit more. So where did that leave me.
I was struggling with "Lettin Go & Letting God have control of the situations & my acceptance". If it's will was for Gram to pass, then so it is, if its for her to rebound then all the merrier. I had to come to peace w/ that & I prayed, deep & hard. Pleading for the family in tearing pains to be relieved of those & enlightened by his Grace in knowing that if she were spared life tomorrow her pain would be over. If she were to survive further & do so in relative comfort then bring on the miracle. I have prepared for neither the best nor worst, but simply to be accepting of what God has Willed for her healthy & life & also for what the family's independant reactions would be. The fellowship & the 12 Steps are teaching me how to do this, through little lessons & practices prior to this, as well as talking to my sponsor & sober friends about it I have come to peace somewhat with what is to come, good or bad. I have gotten the opportunity to tell her while she was coherent that I love her so very much & that she is MY NANNY. That I want her to feel better & I am praying for her. She is my favorite woman aside from my own mother, who I would not have without her to begin with. The chain of love is well connected in my immediate family & we will all have to re-weld those chains should her's shatter in this mortla world, but I am up to the task. If I may be the only one stable enough to do it, then I will, if not then another will be there to step up, that is how my higher power works today. If I can just let the resutls & outcome be up to my Higher Power, then all will be fine in the end, even if i don't see it for some time. Let Go, Let God. My Higher Power's Will is what I must seek & follow, to adopt as my own & be one with this universe as I was meant to be in growing as a spiritual being. That being when it leaves my body will too hopefully comfort others one day. To my Gram & God, I have let go, but not let go of hope & miracles. I will return so long as your awake to hear me tell you again that I love you. Your are my every example of selfless love that proves in all her works & relationships through life. She is a woman of Faith, and that faith will deliver her to the grandest stage of rewards & recognition before my Higher Power one day. That is my belief, & my beliefs are reality to me. That is all i need to rest easy tonight. Knowing one more dya wiht her is a miracle, as one more day sober is as well. We live for today, hope for tomorrow, and learn from yesterday's mistakes. So Here's to tomorrow when it gets here. I have made it through today by Letting Go.. thank you my Higher Power, Gram, Mom & Dad, Sisters & family.. I love you all without ceasation until my last breath & beyond in spirit. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
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Sorry to barge in. I'm roaming around blogs that have an interest in sobriety.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to read about your grandmother's illness and the pain it's causing you. I've lost a lot of loved ones too, some to long illnesses, and I built some deep resentments (just didn't know what to call them until I got to AA).
You've been in recovery long enough that you have the capacity to really care about other people again, and that can be painful but it's worth it. Being sober, being with your grandmother, being present for your mother & family is a gift that can't be measured. And the wonderful thing is that you've got rooms filled with people who understand & will help no matter what happens. Keep taking it one day at a time. Everything is happening just the way it is supposed to, as you know.