August 30. Hello friends & my spiritual family. I hope everyone's monday started off great. I didn't have the same luck but fortunately I stayed sober despite myself & my alcoholic thinking. To elaborate a bit, it was a long weekend with very low revenue at the jewelry shop & I bought an expensive electric cigarette for health & conveinence. I ended up spending more on jewelry & that e-cig than I brought in both days being open. Being set back a little financial is something we all deal with time to time & it wasn't what made my monday so bad, it was waking up feeling a bit sick after a long weekend that made it not so desirable. I forced myself to eat dinner before leaving the house & venturing off to Dallas Pa, hoping to find a clubhouse where a celebration meeting was going on for a friend. I got into the area but despite all my efforts using a map, gps, and my phone for directions to find the place it seemed to be nowhere. When the meeting was more than half over I started to walk up & down the street it was supposed to be on & checked every door. Unfortunately I never found the meeting & when I got back to my car there were just minutes left to find it before its conclusion, I headed back home & stopped off at another meeting that was going on in my hometown. I needed a meeting of some sort & to be surrounded by good sober people & it did the trick, my spirits were lifted greatly & my outlook on my monday picked up. I even started to feel better after a cup of coffee & talking with other addicts & alcoholics in recovery. After a day like today it's important for me to write, so I might as well pick a topic to talk about now that my day is up to speed.
I have been thinking alot lately about the future, what will come next, long term goals, and all the sorts of things we think about from tomorrow to ten years down the road. There is alot of good that can come from planning & thinking ahead, but for alcoholics there is a thin line between doing just that and "Projecting" or "Planning With Expectations". There is grave danger in doing either of the latter. The danger comes from dissapointment, depression, or resentment that comes from projecting or expecting certain results. This down & out feeling that can form is nothing new to us, we felt it often when in our active addictions, but it's danger is that it can lead us to a drink or drug & quickly if we are not spiritually fit/involved in a program to maintain our sober & spiritual condition. In my own sober journey I have begun to dream & ponder the future, I have two ideas in business that I would love nothing more than to see work out. I have social goals with people & even some that extend into a kind of perpetual "love life". All of these goals & ideals are things that I cannot achieve by just good behavior & spiritual development, some are affected by finance, luck, and in some cases by another human being having the same ideals as me. If I cling too tightly to any goals other than the spiritual kind, I might be setting myself up for failure. That failure can translate into a relapse if I am not doing what I am supposed to as a person in recovery. I see failed adventures in people's lives take them out to the gin mills & dark alleys over & over again. I even felt some of it during my own active alcoholism, diving deeper into chemicals as dissapointments got worse.
There is a solution however. A healthy way which one can balance valid dreams & goals with the reality that we can expect nothing to be easy or to happen as we wish. The balance lies in spiritual maintenence & growth, mainly through the 12 Steps and equally in the fellowships that adopt them. Working for & with others in service, such as sponsorship or volunteering your time & abilities for someone to get well, ahead, or back on track. Doing spiritual works of any kind will help us ensure that our own shortcomings will not consume us like they did in the past. We can do something about it & we don't have to sacrifice our dreams or goals to do it. I don't intend to personally shoot for the stars with my life, but if I land just short of there I know I can be reasonably happy if I work a program like the many who are teaching me do. Projecting is an unnecessary negative in the whole process of creating & achieving goals, learning to go on without it is the difficult part. It's something we do from the simplest events all the way up to our deepest dreams, I would like to share a few examples in my own life. I had a wedding to attend, I was going alone with no date & no sober friend to stay "grounded". I felt like being around all the couples was going to be depressing in my single status, and that being around everyone with an open bar would make me not fit in staying sober for the event. I projected it to be a disaster & it ended up being just fine. I survived three hours of the event without thinking of a drink, good friends keeping me company the entire time & distracted so I didn't have to notice that I was one of the very few who attended stag & without a date. It was a fun three hours of sober & spiritual laughter spent with good people, but I projected a disaster & almost didnt go. I would have missed a once in a lifetime event for that friend who got married. Another example of projection for me was with my business. I had assumed that a specific weekend was going to be great for sales & that I was going to be able to accomplish some certain things the following week. It ended up being one of the worst weekends I had ever had for sales, and I spent more than I made on improving my inventory. The end result was I had to miss out on some things I planned to do during the week & got my head all messed up thinking I was a failure as a business man. Being the farthest thing from the truth, a week after doing some spiritual work on myself sales picked back up & I no longer felt that way. Again, projecting in both events was something I was better off without.
We are all better off without projecting, even if we are not alcoholic, it does us little good if any at all.. ever. This does not go to say we shouldn't plan ahead or appropriately, or that we should not have goals or dreams. We SHOULD. Being prepared & ambitious about the future is surely a good thing, but there is that fine line between expecting & anticipating. It's through working the 12 Steps in our lives daily & applying them to all the areas we exist that will give us the ability to prepare & dream without projection. To handle it spiritually when things don't go our way or as planned, and never have to worry about resentment, depression, or dissapointment creeping back into our lives & leading us to a drink or drug. That is why we live the motto "One Day At A Time", because it keeps us where we can do our best work. Right Here, Right Now, Today.. Sober & Spiritual. I look forward to growing the skills I need in life to be drug & alcohol free forever, but until then I will do exactly what I need to do today to stay sober & spiritual. As my life falls back together one piece at a time, I hope that we all grow together & our dreams grow too. We can get a little closer to achieving our goals if we just keep it simple & live one day at a time. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Maintaining Sobriety
August 27. Happy Friday morning everyone. I hope your week is winding down with satisfaction. If you don't yet feel that way, try doing something for somebody else, then doing something for yourself.. you deserve it. One of the many great things I've gotten to experience this month is doing service work. It's one of the main things that has kept me connected & grounded in the fellowships & sobriety. I have done alot of things in my life, good & bad, but nothing is as satisfying as knowing that someone else is gaining progress in making their life better. Getting to contribute to that feels twice as good. I spent my thursday catching up on much needed sleep & then heading out to my usual meeting. We had an awesome speaker & a great meeting, followed by a quick & simple group business meeting. The topic that I heard there reminded me of some things in my life that I shouldn't be taking for granted or skipping out on. The topic was "How do you Maintain your Sobriety?". The answers that came next by the group were many, but all of them were similar. One lasting theme was among the general concenus of all those who have been sober at least a year or longer, but a few who have had the longest terms of sobriety spoke up about something more than the rest had mentioned.
To stay sober is not a simple feat, afterall we are different from others in that we cannot stop ourselves & we cannot figure out why others can. There may never be an explaination but it IS a reality we must live with or die if we choose not to accept it. Getting sober is nothing short of a miracle, I know because it took many great people & events to occur for mine to be possible, which can only have been orchestrated by a higher power. My Higher Power. The Prayer, Readings, Inventory, Sponsorship, and Meetings that everyone spoke of were all the common threads that new & old in sobriety had agreed were necessary parts of maintaining a spiritually good life free of drugs & alcohol. The difference was though, that people who were sober a long time, the BIG YEARS, they had something more to add... The 12 Steps. To boot they added they must be worked to completion & reapplied to one's life daily, weekly, for a lifetime. This & only this in combintation with a Higher Power & the rest of the mentioned tools could keep us sober forever. But we truly never need to stay sober longer than just today.. that we all have learned, or will learn in time. Those 12 Steps are said to make the difference in every successful alcoholics conversion to sober & stable life. If this is the case I question myself, Why do I make it so hard for myself to complete these steps & submit to the will of the program. And to answer myself, I am actually fully willing but I am fearful. Of what is something I must figure out, the pain or fear might be a possibility, or of losing myself once again is another. I must endure pain & overcome fear, because I believe what these old timers say, The 12 Steps WILL make or break my sobriety & are the only true way to maintain it forever.. one day at a time. I encourage anyone who plans on living a day longer than today, consider what there is to gain & what your already losing out on, if you have not completed the 12 Steps; even if you are not alcoholic; find someone to take you through them & join me in the pathway to peace & freedom in your life. Together we can achieve this, it is promised & I am personally going to try. :) Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
To stay sober is not a simple feat, afterall we are different from others in that we cannot stop ourselves & we cannot figure out why others can. There may never be an explaination but it IS a reality we must live with or die if we choose not to accept it. Getting sober is nothing short of a miracle, I know because it took many great people & events to occur for mine to be possible, which can only have been orchestrated by a higher power. My Higher Power. The Prayer, Readings, Inventory, Sponsorship, and Meetings that everyone spoke of were all the common threads that new & old in sobriety had agreed were necessary parts of maintaining a spiritually good life free of drugs & alcohol. The difference was though, that people who were sober a long time, the BIG YEARS, they had something more to add... The 12 Steps. To boot they added they must be worked to completion & reapplied to one's life daily, weekly, for a lifetime. This & only this in combintation with a Higher Power & the rest of the mentioned tools could keep us sober forever. But we truly never need to stay sober longer than just today.. that we all have learned, or will learn in time. Those 12 Steps are said to make the difference in every successful alcoholics conversion to sober & stable life. If this is the case I question myself, Why do I make it so hard for myself to complete these steps & submit to the will of the program. And to answer myself, I am actually fully willing but I am fearful. Of what is something I must figure out, the pain or fear might be a possibility, or of losing myself once again is another. I must endure pain & overcome fear, because I believe what these old timers say, The 12 Steps WILL make or break my sobriety & are the only true way to maintain it forever.. one day at a time. I encourage anyone who plans on living a day longer than today, consider what there is to gain & what your already losing out on, if you have not completed the 12 Steps; even if you are not alcoholic; find someone to take you through them & join me in the pathway to peace & freedom in your life. Together we can achieve this, it is promised & I am personally going to try. :) Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
FEAR - F&*k Everything And Run OR Face Everything And Recover
August 24. Hello friends I hope Tuesday was good for you, in three minutes it's another day come & gone for me. Sobriety has given me so many new liberties that I never had while in active addiction & I am so grateful for them all. I am equally eager for new ones to emerge. I have had a few weeks of indecisiveness & insecurity, which has caused me to write very little in this blog. The most important part of it all is that I remained sober & plugged into the source of spiritual improvement in my life which is my higher power & the 12 Steps as well. My family has been nothing but patient & tolerant of me during this off peroid for me & I never expected to be clueless still when I am well into my second year of sobriety. But alas, here I am wandering the world with a simple purpose for now. As simple as the purpose is, to stay sober & grow in spirit, it is not an easy one. One of my many stumbling blocks is my Fourth Step & I have been battling myself internally to complete it by putting pen to paper or fingers to the keys. It's my current & immediate goal besides surviving another day without alcohol or drugs & I will be successful with the help of my friends, family, sponsor & higher power. Some have said, "When the pain gets to be great enough, you will do that fourth step & do it thoroughly". I will indeed do it no other way, because it is the step which does my 'housecleaning' or more for me, the cleansing of my soul & spiritual life. I will not be running my jewelry shop tomorrow because of bad weather in our area, so I plan to take a little time out on a journey to do two things. The first is to enjoy myself & do something I enjoy to do sober, the second is to look deeply within at all that is hindering my spiritual progress from both past & present so that I can write it in my fourth step & pray for its removal in my future.
There is a great topic I want to talk about tonight, one that was mentioned at the meeting I went to. That topic is "FEAR" and how it affects us. There were two slogans that were spoken about fear at the meeting & without offending anyone I wish to repeat them. The first is what we alcoholics do most often, when we are still sick or when we have not yet cleaned our side of the street with the fourth, eight & ninth steps. F_ck Everything And Run... FEAR. The second is what we are able to later do, when we have developed the spiritual soundness we seek & when we have the help of others in our lives. Face Everything And Recover... FEAR. There is a significant difference between these two just as there is the same huge difference between us in active addiction & in sobriety. Doing a thorough fourth step allows us to address & face all of our legitimate fears, later turning them over to our higher power for removal. Its through constant work & growth that this is possible, I have not yet amassed enough works to achieve this myself but I am told that its a glorious transformation in our lives when we do. Fear is something that affects me daily. Some days more than others, but always present & it is unnecessary. I say that because I COULD just get to work on myself, fear is the one thing preventing me from diving in deeper. Sometimes we have to be scared long enough to grow tired of it & fight back, finally facing our frights & fight.
It's always been a goal of mine to help others, and I try to do so to the best of my ability. By facing my fears one day, I will be of better help & service to others. Nobody who is fearful themsevles would want the help of someone who is also afraid. That would be like asking someone who is afraid of heights to help you get down from a tower in the sky. I see this as a major roadblock in my recovery, seeing it is the first step to getting past it. Accepting it comes next, but in doing so immediate action must follow with my fourth step. Because I know this is true, I feel I have not yet accepted all my fears for what they are. If I had, then I would already have completed my fourth step. The fearless moral inventory that we are asked to do as our fourth step must be just that.. FEARLESS. I have a desire to stay sober, I never want to return to the life of suffering & the days of sickness laying in bed from withdrawl & self hatred. That desire is stronger than ever, and I am using it with my higher power to muster the strength to face my fears. I cannot do it alone & my sponsor, family & friends all will be there to help me I am sure. The time I have wasted in the background cannot be regained, but my tomorrow does not need to be plagued by the fears that stole my time in the past.. I can take action, we all can. We need not live in fear, resentment, selfishness, or dishonesty. We can all take our thorough & fearless moral inventory & be rid of our fears.. even if we are not alcoholic. The 12 Steps are a model in which all peoples should live by, and the fourth step is a huge step for humanity as a whole.. It is the difference of us being human being or spiritual beings for many of us. So with little time left to waste, wish me luck.. no.. wish me the strength to do this to the best of my ability. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
There is a great topic I want to talk about tonight, one that was mentioned at the meeting I went to. That topic is "FEAR" and how it affects us. There were two slogans that were spoken about fear at the meeting & without offending anyone I wish to repeat them. The first is what we alcoholics do most often, when we are still sick or when we have not yet cleaned our side of the street with the fourth, eight & ninth steps. F_ck Everything And Run... FEAR. The second is what we are able to later do, when we have developed the spiritual soundness we seek & when we have the help of others in our lives. Face Everything And Recover... FEAR. There is a significant difference between these two just as there is the same huge difference between us in active addiction & in sobriety. Doing a thorough fourth step allows us to address & face all of our legitimate fears, later turning them over to our higher power for removal. Its through constant work & growth that this is possible, I have not yet amassed enough works to achieve this myself but I am told that its a glorious transformation in our lives when we do. Fear is something that affects me daily. Some days more than others, but always present & it is unnecessary. I say that because I COULD just get to work on myself, fear is the one thing preventing me from diving in deeper. Sometimes we have to be scared long enough to grow tired of it & fight back, finally facing our frights & fight.
It's always been a goal of mine to help others, and I try to do so to the best of my ability. By facing my fears one day, I will be of better help & service to others. Nobody who is fearful themsevles would want the help of someone who is also afraid. That would be like asking someone who is afraid of heights to help you get down from a tower in the sky. I see this as a major roadblock in my recovery, seeing it is the first step to getting past it. Accepting it comes next, but in doing so immediate action must follow with my fourth step. Because I know this is true, I feel I have not yet accepted all my fears for what they are. If I had, then I would already have completed my fourth step. The fearless moral inventory that we are asked to do as our fourth step must be just that.. FEARLESS. I have a desire to stay sober, I never want to return to the life of suffering & the days of sickness laying in bed from withdrawl & self hatred. That desire is stronger than ever, and I am using it with my higher power to muster the strength to face my fears. I cannot do it alone & my sponsor, family & friends all will be there to help me I am sure. The time I have wasted in the background cannot be regained, but my tomorrow does not need to be plagued by the fears that stole my time in the past.. I can take action, we all can. We need not live in fear, resentment, selfishness, or dishonesty. We can all take our thorough & fearless moral inventory & be rid of our fears.. even if we are not alcoholic. The 12 Steps are a model in which all peoples should live by, and the fourth step is a huge step for humanity as a whole.. It is the difference of us being human being or spiritual beings for many of us. So with little time left to waste, wish me luck.. no.. wish me the strength to do this to the best of my ability. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Update
August 24. Hey friends. I will be updating a new post during the day today which is Tuesday the 24th. Thanks for all your patience & checking back, I will hopefully have a great thing or two to talk about when I get on then. For now I want to get some sleep & relax. Hope you are all well & having a great week. <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Appreciation
August 18. Hey friends, wednesday is about to begin for me in a busy fashion. I have to go to the new marketplace for a 12 hour day, but at least my mom will be coming to help. She doesn't know how much she means to me & sometimes I have a hard time showing it. One of the greatest defects of character I have is showing appreciation for others on my life & I want to make that tonight's topic. Its very important for us to show our appreciation for others & what they do in our lives.
Showing others appreciation makes possible a way of giving back because it makes the person helping us feel good about what they are doing in our lives, be it big or small. So much goes unthanked or unnoticed in our day to day lives & no one can be on the ball for every favor we receive. But we can at least on occasion speak out in gratitude or do something special in thanks to catch up on all our missed chances to make them feel appreciated.
If there is ever one thing I want to be known for it should be my appreciation for all the great people who have & will contribute any part of themselves to make my life better. Two of most mention would be my parents, but it doesn't stop there. So many others are to thank & I hope to one day do something special in return for them all. Good night. Good morning. <3 Jimmy
Showing others appreciation makes possible a way of giving back because it makes the person helping us feel good about what they are doing in our lives, be it big or small. So much goes unthanked or unnoticed in our day to day lives & no one can be on the ball for every favor we receive. But we can at least on occasion speak out in gratitude or do something special in thanks to catch up on all our missed chances to make them feel appreciated.
If there is ever one thing I want to be known for it should be my appreciation for all the great people who have & will contribute any part of themselves to make my life better. Two of most mention would be my parents, but it doesn't stop there. So many others are to thank & I hope to one day do something special in return for them all. Good night. Good morning. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The "We Program"
August 17. Hey friends, I hope everyone has been doing well. I certainly have been, having had opportunities to celebrate many great sober & spiritual things with friends the past few days as well as having a bit of luck & good business on the weekend. So much has gone on & I am forever grateful for my current standing in life, it could be so much worse but instead sobriety continues to make it better. I can only say that I wish I didn't worry my parents so much sometimes, as I don't sleep well at night & stay busy or stay out, they often see me tired & playing catch up. They are my gravity that helps me remember to take care of myself & enable me to do so alot of the time. I wanted to talk about a topic that has come to mind, one that always has stricken me as an important one in my life. The 12 Steps & the fellowships that hold them on high as the tool for successful recovery from any life altering problem, have a saying that says "This Is A WE Program". An experienced 12 Stepper would be the first to admit from not only the 'book knowledge' of the program but also experience that "I Cannot Do This Alone". That statement holds so true in my life. Without the help of many I would be unable to maintain a sober & reasonably happy lifestly. Its because of my family's support & my parents careful considerations when offering me certian kinds of help that I am able to truly enjoy my sober journey. They have given me both food & a roof when the chips were down as well as support & love when morale was down. They have made bad days better & great days awesome, besides a few early battles when we were all getting well at our own paces it has been relatively a loving & learning experience for all of us.
As it is a "We Program" or a "We Recovery" there are others involved as well. My sponsor has contributed so much to me getting well & reminds me that my work is never done unless science finds a cure rather than a way to recover. That will never happen in my or anyone I know's lifetime, alcoholism & addiction are an ageless battle that have only been beaten by death or recovery through the 12 Steps. There may have been a time before the mass availablility of drugs or the social acceptance of alcohol when isolation may have worked against it, but in today's society we are only an arms reach from exposure if we crave, as we all will at some point in our recovery. Because of this fact, other great people have made up the "We" of my recovery. Good friends who have been there since I began sobriety & before I developed my addiction. They know my weaknesses & spend time in their lives with me without those things being a factor to our friendship. My support group contains many new friends, like minded & equally aggressive in recovery, they all contribute their continued success & story of their past to my personal sobriety. This helps to remind me where I came from & shows me that others are doing the same thing, I can see tangible benefits in their lives to look forward in my own. One of the most important things I need in my program, probably the greatest member of the "We" that comprises my recovery group, is my Higher Power. Without it I would not have had the strength to go on, it has answered my prayers countless times & given me a path which I can align my life & will with when I am in a good spiritual condition. It is that path which I need to walk in order to stay sober another day.
Many who do not suffer from the disease of alcoholism would not understand our trials, they think it a mere choice for us to get high or drunk. They also believe that it is a factor of will power when deciding not to drink or pick up a drug. There is no will power strong enough for an addict, the power to stop & stay stopped only comes from others & we do not possess it solely ourselves. Without the others that we rely upon there would be no percentage of a chance for us to stay sober. So when they say it is a "We Program" they are correct, at least for me & from my experience. Having tried all other ways of getting & staying sober, together is the only way I have ever achieved it. Without others I am nothing in sobriety & will soon lose it, just as being alone on a desert island would be a miserable life. Its the constant reassureance of others, the reminders, the help when needed, and the power greater than ourselves in our constantly growing faith in a higher power that makes magical things happen that no science or medicine has ever achieved alone or on a permanent basis. But WE CAN permanently recover, only together, only as WE never as I or YOU alone. When you feel like reaching out, don't hesitate. Reach far & go far in your goals in life & take others with you, because We Can. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
As it is a "We Program" or a "We Recovery" there are others involved as well. My sponsor has contributed so much to me getting well & reminds me that my work is never done unless science finds a cure rather than a way to recover. That will never happen in my or anyone I know's lifetime, alcoholism & addiction are an ageless battle that have only been beaten by death or recovery through the 12 Steps. There may have been a time before the mass availablility of drugs or the social acceptance of alcohol when isolation may have worked against it, but in today's society we are only an arms reach from exposure if we crave, as we all will at some point in our recovery. Because of this fact, other great people have made up the "We" of my recovery. Good friends who have been there since I began sobriety & before I developed my addiction. They know my weaknesses & spend time in their lives with me without those things being a factor to our friendship. My support group contains many new friends, like minded & equally aggressive in recovery, they all contribute their continued success & story of their past to my personal sobriety. This helps to remind me where I came from & shows me that others are doing the same thing, I can see tangible benefits in their lives to look forward in my own. One of the most important things I need in my program, probably the greatest member of the "We" that comprises my recovery group, is my Higher Power. Without it I would not have had the strength to go on, it has answered my prayers countless times & given me a path which I can align my life & will with when I am in a good spiritual condition. It is that path which I need to walk in order to stay sober another day.
Many who do not suffer from the disease of alcoholism would not understand our trials, they think it a mere choice for us to get high or drunk. They also believe that it is a factor of will power when deciding not to drink or pick up a drug. There is no will power strong enough for an addict, the power to stop & stay stopped only comes from others & we do not possess it solely ourselves. Without the others that we rely upon there would be no percentage of a chance for us to stay sober. So when they say it is a "We Program" they are correct, at least for me & from my experience. Having tried all other ways of getting & staying sober, together is the only way I have ever achieved it. Without others I am nothing in sobriety & will soon lose it, just as being alone on a desert island would be a miserable life. Its the constant reassureance of others, the reminders, the help when needed, and the power greater than ourselves in our constantly growing faith in a higher power that makes magical things happen that no science or medicine has ever achieved alone or on a permanent basis. But WE CAN permanently recover, only together, only as WE never as I or YOU alone. When you feel like reaching out, don't hesitate. Reach far & go far in your goals in life & take others with you, because We Can. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Resentments - Growing Past Them
August 11. Hey all my friends. I had a good Tuesday & I actually made the best of it that I could, but I was not at my best for the whole day. I guess we all make mistakes in our actions & how we go through our day sometimes & I am learning that as well as how to combat my inner alcoholic. A poor choice today lead to me feeling bad & a bit guilty hearted, but I will make up for my shortcoming & selfishness in the end. That is so long as I stay the course of spirituality & continue to move forward from my mistakes instead of relive them over in over like in the past. I got to see my sister, nephew & niece today, as I stopped by to see some stuff my sister needed to get rid of around the house. Most of the stuff I can take down to my shop & sell as used merchandise, which is win win for both of us because she would have to otherwise get rid of it to get it out of her way. Afterwards I went off to keep my head busy & myself out of trouble, I didn't do very good with either aspect. Not that I got myself into anything, I just wasn't being the person I want to be on a daily basis & needed to get out of that funk quickly. By the time evening came I was heading to my meeting in hopes to restart my day again fresh, I learned I can do that anytime if I need to with a little help from my higher power. I did just that & the meeting was an excellent one, about Resentments & it really got me thinking in a good way. Funny how hard resentment is to avoid, because just after the meeting I developed one against someone who I continuously do favors for. The Resentment I was feeling was because when I asked for a favor in return this one time it was not only passed on but made to be a big deal that I needed a favor at all.
So having felt that way my whole ride home, I decided the best topic I could talk about is Resentments. I would like to talk about how they were in my addiciton, how they are now, & how they are supposed to dissapear as I grow in spiritual fitness. In my active addiction I would develop resentments against anybody who didn't let me get my way, against anybody who had something I could not get if I wanted it, and against my higher power whom I blamed for taking things from me & cursing me with my disease of alcoholism & addiction. Just to name some specific examples of this I will elaborate, which actually helps me heal & release such resentments believe it or not. Somebody not letting me get my way could be my parents at some time grounding me or not letting me out, or even an ex-girlfriend who wouldn't let me go out on a friday night with or without her. If someone had the drugs I wanted or even as large viewed as the life I wanted I would resent them. If I wanted a person in my life & could not have them, I would resent the person who did have them or myself for not being what they wanted in return. I blamed my higher power for taking people who died from me, for leaving me alone at times or so I thought, that blame raised resentment. I also resented my higher power for creating me with the addictive personality, for what I thought was a curse of 'craving' things unnatural & the inability to appreciate or experience what normal people did in their lives. I resented my higher power for not letting me die every time I took a higher dose because I thought it was letting me live to experience an eternal torment of chasing false happiness & falling to a lowly sickness each day. I later found out that all of these resentments were unjustified, that none of these resentments had any foundaiton to exist in my life as a spiritual person & through the miracle of sobriety possible through my higher power & a growing closer to that power by me I could let go of these resentments more easily.
It is no coincidence that becoming an addict as a child & developing these resentments shortly afterwards went hand in hand, because I never got a mature look at any of them until now. In current times I do not gain resentments so easily, but they still come & that is because I am not yet spiritually fit. I have just begun to grow spiritually & more relief awaits as I work through the Steps & to tighten my bond with my higher power, this is promised & I believe it as much as I believe in myself today. I still get resentments from some of the things that caused them in addiction, but I have sometimes managed to let them go without holding onto them for very long & without hurting anyone else in return. I have even recently resented someone for having something I wanted in life, only to let it go to my higher power & be grateful instead for what I do have. The realization came to me through the constant spiritual lessons I am learning each day, that if I were meant to have that then it will be mine & just because someone else has it does not mean I cannot or will not find something I equally cherish as part of my life one day. I learned that I have to be happy for other's & what they have, because if I am not then I will not be ready to have for myself. When my attitude changed, so did alot of other things & that resentment was gone. Sometimes our resentments require us to do some changing of self in order to let them go, but as a fail safe we can always pray & be aware of them, share them with another & weaken their grip over us.
And finally a look at what is promised ahead, that is if we clean our side of the street & have faith in the Steps & our Higher Power, living with both heavily rooted into our very lives. It is promised that if we rely on our higher power, and repeat steps 10 through 12 each day of our lives, that we will live in a spiritually fit manner. This does mean that we have to have completed the first 9 Steps, with complete honesty & to the best of our ability, always returning to cleaning our side of the street should something come up unhandled that might contaminate it. By doing this we make sure that if we do make a mistake, if we do take that human being nature for granted & develop a resentment again, that our spiritual being will be free enough through the maintenence in the final three steps so we can be rid of them & our higher power can take them away. There is so much trust involved in this process, but it is gained through each of us just doing the simple things asked of us one day, one step, and one inch of spiritual growth at a time. I have done so much to others in my time, probably still even today, to cause resentment, hurt, pain & sorrow to others. I pray that we all learn to love & live forgiveness in ourselves & eachother so that we can grow past these resentments. I am a sick person getting well, one day at a time, with alot of love in my heart & dedication to doing the next right thing. With the help of my higher power may I & you all be able to do so in the light of the spirit. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
So having felt that way my whole ride home, I decided the best topic I could talk about is Resentments. I would like to talk about how they were in my addiciton, how they are now, & how they are supposed to dissapear as I grow in spiritual fitness. In my active addiction I would develop resentments against anybody who didn't let me get my way, against anybody who had something I could not get if I wanted it, and against my higher power whom I blamed for taking things from me & cursing me with my disease of alcoholism & addiction. Just to name some specific examples of this I will elaborate, which actually helps me heal & release such resentments believe it or not. Somebody not letting me get my way could be my parents at some time grounding me or not letting me out, or even an ex-girlfriend who wouldn't let me go out on a friday night with or without her. If someone had the drugs I wanted or even as large viewed as the life I wanted I would resent them. If I wanted a person in my life & could not have them, I would resent the person who did have them or myself for not being what they wanted in return. I blamed my higher power for taking people who died from me, for leaving me alone at times or so I thought, that blame raised resentment. I also resented my higher power for creating me with the addictive personality, for what I thought was a curse of 'craving' things unnatural & the inability to appreciate or experience what normal people did in their lives. I resented my higher power for not letting me die every time I took a higher dose because I thought it was letting me live to experience an eternal torment of chasing false happiness & falling to a lowly sickness each day. I later found out that all of these resentments were unjustified, that none of these resentments had any foundaiton to exist in my life as a spiritual person & through the miracle of sobriety possible through my higher power & a growing closer to that power by me I could let go of these resentments more easily.
It is no coincidence that becoming an addict as a child & developing these resentments shortly afterwards went hand in hand, because I never got a mature look at any of them until now. In current times I do not gain resentments so easily, but they still come & that is because I am not yet spiritually fit. I have just begun to grow spiritually & more relief awaits as I work through the Steps & to tighten my bond with my higher power, this is promised & I believe it as much as I believe in myself today. I still get resentments from some of the things that caused them in addiction, but I have sometimes managed to let them go without holding onto them for very long & without hurting anyone else in return. I have even recently resented someone for having something I wanted in life, only to let it go to my higher power & be grateful instead for what I do have. The realization came to me through the constant spiritual lessons I am learning each day, that if I were meant to have that then it will be mine & just because someone else has it does not mean I cannot or will not find something I equally cherish as part of my life one day. I learned that I have to be happy for other's & what they have, because if I am not then I will not be ready to have for myself. When my attitude changed, so did alot of other things & that resentment was gone. Sometimes our resentments require us to do some changing of self in order to let them go, but as a fail safe we can always pray & be aware of them, share them with another & weaken their grip over us.
And finally a look at what is promised ahead, that is if we clean our side of the street & have faith in the Steps & our Higher Power, living with both heavily rooted into our very lives. It is promised that if we rely on our higher power, and repeat steps 10 through 12 each day of our lives, that we will live in a spiritually fit manner. This does mean that we have to have completed the first 9 Steps, with complete honesty & to the best of our ability, always returning to cleaning our side of the street should something come up unhandled that might contaminate it. By doing this we make sure that if we do make a mistake, if we do take that human being nature for granted & develop a resentment again, that our spiritual being will be free enough through the maintenence in the final three steps so we can be rid of them & our higher power can take them away. There is so much trust involved in this process, but it is gained through each of us just doing the simple things asked of us one day, one step, and one inch of spiritual growth at a time. I have done so much to others in my time, probably still even today, to cause resentment, hurt, pain & sorrow to others. I pray that we all learn to love & live forgiveness in ourselves & eachother so that we can grow past these resentments. I am a sick person getting well, one day at a time, with alot of love in my heart & dedication to doing the next right thing. With the help of my higher power may I & you all be able to do so in the light of the spirit. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Spiritual Condition - Good, Poor, or Fit
August 10. Hello my friends, it's nice to be back on here & writing. I took a one week break from working on this project to just see how much of an impact it did & does have on my life as well as others. I heard little mention around me about the lack up entries & updates so I am assuming for now I am the minority in missing what goes on here. I definitely have noticed myself feeling a little more "bottled up" since having taken a break from writing. But every vacation has to come to an end, that is I plan to keep this project alive as long as I myself am. It's a genuine outlet for my family & good friends to see how I am doing any given day & also to see how spiritual growth can work in my life & theirs. It has always been the intention of this blog to show people that change is possible, staying the course is rewarding, and growth is inevitable so long as we continue to follow spiritual directions in our lives. I guess the main reason I took a break from this project this time was to determine a few things in my mind about my goals, relationships or lack there of, and to try & find some sober means in which to grow my social life a little. I cannot measure my level of accomplishment but I can say that despite some things not being as I would prefer I am alive, sober, & well for today. Thank you all who continue to listen, share, & follow my journey.
I thought that a fitting topic for my return to writing would be a person's "Spiritual Condition" & how it plays into our decisions, actions, and feelings. I have learned that someone who is spiritually fit & someone who is in good spritiual condition are two different things. A spiritually fit person can be put in situations or environments & survive these things without the risk or drinking or drugging & often times can survive emotionally draining events without much negative setbacks in their thinking or their routine in sobriety & spirituality. A person in good spiritual condition can often times stay on track while things are going well, but when something drastic happens their condition can worsen based on a negative environment or occurance in their life. They can go from waking up very well minded & with the best of intentions to later on battling in their mind, with their higher power, or against that first drink. This is because their spiritual condition had moved from Good to Worse as events unfolded that affect them directly or their immediate world. Sometimes this happens in reverse as well, a person in Poor or Fair "Spiritual Condition" can move from there to Good as positive events happen in their immediate lives. In the end though, spiritually unfit people cannot ensure how they will react or respond to something 100 percent of the time.
It is my relentless goal to gain spiritual fitness in as many areas of my life as possible, the more of these ares I can become "fit" in the greater chance I have at not only remaining sober the rest of my life, but also making the right decisions more often. A relationship today with my Higher Power has helped me greatly in growing spirtiually as well as surviving & recooperating from spirtiually challenging situations & events. A fair share of let downs & attacks have been thrown my way, some intentionally designed to see how low a person could get me, I am truly blessed to have survived these such thins Sober & safe to recover from the spiritual damage. That is how I know that I am not yet spiritually fit, because I have gotten beaten almost to the point of submission by some in an emotional arena. Part of that has to do with me allowing myself to be vulnerable to people who weren't very spiritual, the other had to do with work not yet done in my life. Today I like to believe I am a little better equipped to defend such attacks from such people & that few of them exist in my life, but you'd be suprised who can do wrong when their own spirits are tampered with. I hope to be an example to others one day, to not only refrain from casting the first blow to someone spirtiually, but to also refrain from taking fire in return should I be a target of someone else's lack of spiritual principles. After my nice long break from writing for the week, I have found that I am in a good spiritual place today. I was not though during my absence. This means that the tools I have been shown to use, like writing in this very emotional arena I call a blog, are all the more important to use. May my higher power help me use them to gain that image in the distance, one of myself & my world around me living in "Spiritual Fitness". Thanks for listening, we can all do ourselves a big favor in life and ask ourselves "What condition is my Spiritual Condition in Today?". Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
I thought that a fitting topic for my return to writing would be a person's "Spiritual Condition" & how it plays into our decisions, actions, and feelings. I have learned that someone who is spiritually fit & someone who is in good spritiual condition are two different things. A spiritually fit person can be put in situations or environments & survive these things without the risk or drinking or drugging & often times can survive emotionally draining events without much negative setbacks in their thinking or their routine in sobriety & spirituality. A person in good spiritual condition can often times stay on track while things are going well, but when something drastic happens their condition can worsen based on a negative environment or occurance in their life. They can go from waking up very well minded & with the best of intentions to later on battling in their mind, with their higher power, or against that first drink. This is because their spiritual condition had moved from Good to Worse as events unfolded that affect them directly or their immediate world. Sometimes this happens in reverse as well, a person in Poor or Fair "Spiritual Condition" can move from there to Good as positive events happen in their immediate lives. In the end though, spiritually unfit people cannot ensure how they will react or respond to something 100 percent of the time.
It is my relentless goal to gain spiritual fitness in as many areas of my life as possible, the more of these ares I can become "fit" in the greater chance I have at not only remaining sober the rest of my life, but also making the right decisions more often. A relationship today with my Higher Power has helped me greatly in growing spirtiually as well as surviving & recooperating from spirtiually challenging situations & events. A fair share of let downs & attacks have been thrown my way, some intentionally designed to see how low a person could get me, I am truly blessed to have survived these such thins Sober & safe to recover from the spiritual damage. That is how I know that I am not yet spiritually fit, because I have gotten beaten almost to the point of submission by some in an emotional arena. Part of that has to do with me allowing myself to be vulnerable to people who weren't very spiritual, the other had to do with work not yet done in my life. Today I like to believe I am a little better equipped to defend such attacks from such people & that few of them exist in my life, but you'd be suprised who can do wrong when their own spirits are tampered with. I hope to be an example to others one day, to not only refrain from casting the first blow to someone spirtiually, but to also refrain from taking fire in return should I be a target of someone else's lack of spiritual principles. After my nice long break from writing for the week, I have found that I am in a good spiritual place today. I was not though during my absence. This means that the tools I have been shown to use, like writing in this very emotional arena I call a blog, are all the more important to use. May my higher power help me use them to gain that image in the distance, one of myself & my world around me living in "Spiritual Fitness". Thanks for listening, we can all do ourselves a big favor in life and ask ourselves "What condition is my Spiritual Condition in Today?". Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Gratitude & Humility - Have It Or Lose It
August 03. Manic Monday is over & Tuesday is creeping in as the morning gets nearer. I hope that your week has begun great & if not that Tuesday is a new day for you to start all over again. I thank my higher power for my sobriety today & the ability to start any day over that isn't going well, afterall, I only have today. Monday was good for me, I got alot of rest that I needed after a long & stressful weekend. I went to my usual monday meeting that my friend & I started, MARS Group. There was a new person & some of the usual great friends I have made there. The topic was on the 8th Step & making our ammends list, as well as everyone getting into their personal dilemma's if any. I chose not to be too vocal today, doing alot of listening & thinking & looking at my great friend sitting across from me. I had hoped they were okay, they didn't say much & didn't share about personal issues, funnily enough neither did I. When the meeting ended I did a little chatting w/ everyone & I left feeling in an okay spot mentally & spiritually. I went to visit my sponsor at our home group that was adjourning & to drop off merchandise to people who had ordered it frome me. We talked just a few moments & he had to go. I went to say hi to my friend shawn afterwards & had some coffee while playing cards. He was fighting with his girlfriend & being very ungrateful about life & what he had in general, I had to leave & go home after that because I personally am thirsty for many of the life's treats that he complained about.
I thought of a topic driving home, it seems to fit into what I am feeling & can work in to some of the things I saw & heard tonight. When we are not in good spiritual condition, which can be often for some of us, we often don't realize what great things we have compared to others who are willing & eager to have some of the things that to us are a 'bother'. If you don't quite know what I mean, I'm going to go further than this statement & offer some personal examples from just today. I heard someone complaining about having to clean out their car & that they were angry because it's old & not something they really want to be driving. I can even remember feeling that same way some years ago about one of my vehicles, before sobriety & spiritual change in my life. But we can take a whole other outlook on this, that someone else has right now at this very moment somewhere in the world. This person could say a few things depending on their situation like: "At least you have a car, I have to walk." "My car doesn't start anymore" "I lost my driver's license" "I have to take the bus because I cannot afford a car". Now I personally can see where there is a lack of spirituality in the first person's complaint. They are so bothered by the fact they have to wash & clean out the car, that it had high milage & was old, that they couldn't even consider this fact: 'What if they didn't have a car at all & had to walk, take the bus, lose their license, or it blew up & they could not afford to fix or replace it?' Being Humble is difficult, it is learned through life's lessons & often when we lose something or have it taken away, but it does not need to be so.. If we seek spiritual growth in our life, we can find Humility & Gratitude through living right & helping others. Their situations will show us what we have to be grateful for & our helping them will be rewarded by our higher power in the satisfaction of being a good spiritual being.
I want to bring up another example of this, for those of us who are stuck on the last example & not seeing how this Humble attitude affects our whole world, not just the material & monitary things we have, need, or want. When visiting my friend tonight, I had to leave because I was uncomfortable. Here was a wonderful girl by his side, loving & loyal, filling his drink & buying his cigarettes for him & he was yelling at her because she didn't do something he asked her to do because his list of demands was too long for her to remember without writing them all down. In the end, it was all over the fact that she forgot to grab him a sweater to wear when she had four other things to do on the same trip downstairs. Some of us out there would pray each day in thanks for a loving person to call our own, one that does for us un-necissarily & abundantly just because they love us. Spiritual people with gratitude are thankful for one favor being done that we ask of somebody, let alone four, and when one is forgotten out of five the Humble smile & say thank you to the one we love that was so generous to try & help us. I have learned that great emotional, physical, and mental loss, terror, or impact is necessary for some people to change, learn spirituality, or to show gratitude. Some are incapable of this change at all, because they cannot be honest enough with themselves or believe enough in a loving & rightful Higher Power. But some can, I like to think that I try to live in gratitude & for spiritual growth in & around my life, and I have seen some that are so good at it I truly admire what they have. Those people can be models for me to build my life after & I can do so proudly. For the one's who must be so miserable & ungrateful for the wonderful people in their life.. You do not know what your missing, learning to love yourself will help your ability to love others & adopting spiritual ways will improve your relationship with them rather then risking one day being alone, be it a parent, sibling, friend, or one they have fallen in love with. Some people would be grateful to have what they do & they are spiritually ready to recieve a good person in their life, if we ungratefully take things or people for granted our higher power might just give them to someone who is ready & waiting. Be your best, because you never know what may come of it or come next. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
I thought of a topic driving home, it seems to fit into what I am feeling & can work in to some of the things I saw & heard tonight. When we are not in good spiritual condition, which can be often for some of us, we often don't realize what great things we have compared to others who are willing & eager to have some of the things that to us are a 'bother'. If you don't quite know what I mean, I'm going to go further than this statement & offer some personal examples from just today. I heard someone complaining about having to clean out their car & that they were angry because it's old & not something they really want to be driving. I can even remember feeling that same way some years ago about one of my vehicles, before sobriety & spiritual change in my life. But we can take a whole other outlook on this, that someone else has right now at this very moment somewhere in the world. This person could say a few things depending on their situation like: "At least you have a car, I have to walk." "My car doesn't start anymore" "I lost my driver's license" "I have to take the bus because I cannot afford a car". Now I personally can see where there is a lack of spirituality in the first person's complaint. They are so bothered by the fact they have to wash & clean out the car, that it had high milage & was old, that they couldn't even consider this fact: 'What if they didn't have a car at all & had to walk, take the bus, lose their license, or it blew up & they could not afford to fix or replace it?' Being Humble is difficult, it is learned through life's lessons & often when we lose something or have it taken away, but it does not need to be so.. If we seek spiritual growth in our life, we can find Humility & Gratitude through living right & helping others. Their situations will show us what we have to be grateful for & our helping them will be rewarded by our higher power in the satisfaction of being a good spiritual being.
I want to bring up another example of this, for those of us who are stuck on the last example & not seeing how this Humble attitude affects our whole world, not just the material & monitary things we have, need, or want. When visiting my friend tonight, I had to leave because I was uncomfortable. Here was a wonderful girl by his side, loving & loyal, filling his drink & buying his cigarettes for him & he was yelling at her because she didn't do something he asked her to do because his list of demands was too long for her to remember without writing them all down. In the end, it was all over the fact that she forgot to grab him a sweater to wear when she had four other things to do on the same trip downstairs. Some of us out there would pray each day in thanks for a loving person to call our own, one that does for us un-necissarily & abundantly just because they love us. Spiritual people with gratitude are thankful for one favor being done that we ask of somebody, let alone four, and when one is forgotten out of five the Humble smile & say thank you to the one we love that was so generous to try & help us. I have learned that great emotional, physical, and mental loss, terror, or impact is necessary for some people to change, learn spirituality, or to show gratitude. Some are incapable of this change at all, because they cannot be honest enough with themselves or believe enough in a loving & rightful Higher Power. But some can, I like to think that I try to live in gratitude & for spiritual growth in & around my life, and I have seen some that are so good at it I truly admire what they have. Those people can be models for me to build my life after & I can do so proudly. For the one's who must be so miserable & ungrateful for the wonderful people in their life.. You do not know what your missing, learning to love yourself will help your ability to love others & adopting spiritual ways will improve your relationship with them rather then risking one day being alone, be it a parent, sibling, friend, or one they have fallen in love with. Some people would be grateful to have what they do & they are spiritually ready to recieve a good person in their life, if we ungratefully take things or people for granted our higher power might just give them to someone who is ready & waiting. Be your best, because you never know what may come of it or come next. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Flying Solo? - Importance Of Others
August 01. Well I guess I kicked off August in a good way, despite some setbacks & shortcomings in my life I am marching on. I hope all of you had a wonderful July. Due to me getting sober in that month last year it will always be a special & pivitol time in my life, a holiday if you will. Saturday morning I headed off to run my shop, I was feeling down in the dumps over some personal relationships with friends in my life going sour, among some other things I've been stressing over. I could almost say in the beginning of the day that I didn't want to be there, but withing the first hour there my attitude changed. Maybe it was just routine, or maybe it was my higher power lending a hand, but I decided to try to stay as positive as possible. Somehow what was a terribly slow day for business & one that my personal life had me asking a bunch of unanswerable questions to myself, I emerged from the day a little better than Friday night & Saturday morning had put me. I didn't stay out late on saturday, I didn't even stay up late, but sleep was broken up with some constant dreams of the awakening kind. This morning I can recall snoozing my alarm several times, I don't remember if my subconscience was telling me I am too tired or if I was feeling depressed but about the time I should have been out the door already, I snapped out of it.
Thanks to the help of others I have the desire to continue on today, even through difficult or challenging circumstances. When I got to the marketplace it was slow, my being late was luckily irrelevant because there were no customers really around yet. I set up quickly & was open for business, enjoying a morning chat with one of my neighbor vendors. I even got to see a friend, his new baby & girlfriend, who stayed to talk about a half hour with me. Funny how my higher power threw me exactly what I needed to stay out of my head, positive, & at my best to run my business for the day. Things picked up & I can actually say it was worthwhile to be open for business, financially & socially for me. By the end of the day I was more than happy to leave, I had to work extra & rush at the end because I needed to bring exra cases & merchandise with me for a new marketplace I have begun selling jewelry at on wednesdays. I pushed through & made it out the door as they were cutting the lights. I called my parents & they brightened my day with good news & their usual optimistic cheer. They had bought me extra tables I needed for my business to grow at the new location, I would nominate them as saints if there were a way to do so. Since getting to know me in sobriety, they have become my number one supporters & source of strength & reliability. I took their good news with me the rest of the evening, deciding to stay out of my head, out of the theories of why people have to hurt others selfishly. I went out for a while to play poker & socialize over coffee, had an excellent time & came home early.
I thought an excellent thing to mention tonight as a topic would be to talk about the importance of others in a sober person's life. In active addiction many of us wanted accomplices or help getting our drugs but very little help using them when money got tight. I know for myself, being a lone wolf was appealing because it meant that I need not return favors or support someone else, I could just worry about me & what I needed to do to survive. Alot of people don't understand that we did not have a luxury of chosing to use drugs or drink, that it was indeed survival & a necessity for so long. In my search for happiness through the use of drugs & drinking I had cast all but a few people in my life away. Those few were the ones who I knew I could still use later down the line or that were giving me immediate help for my needs at that period of time. Others were only important if I couldn't get things myself, if I didn't have money that day, or if something came up I couldn't handle myself. It's only now, over a year sober, that I truly realize how important others are in my life. Without my loving parents I would never have made it this far in my recovery, the odds were stacked heavily against me in all areas & I was at a helpless bottom when I began this journey. I also would not have a business today if it were not for them and also for a great man who gave me my start in merchandise & jewelry, just so he could see a guy get ahead. Even my cousin played a vital role in my beginning a business, although he didn't fund me or work for me, he split my first space with me on monthly rent & sold his own goods beside me. For these things, I needed & still need others to help me.
Without allowing others to get close to me & to help me, I would not be sober today. My sponsor & I have helped eachother through many hard moments in our lives, through friendship, honesty, & understanding. My close friends Tom & Jason have been vital "others" in my life, for standing by me & allowing me to stand by them in moments of greatness, achievement, & hardship. If I were just given a manual for life, and I have been in the publication of the 12 Steps, it would do me no good without others to show me how to use it or how it works. It's because I don't have to do it alone that I can do it at all. For those reading this that think you don't need anyone or anything, that you are self made & self supporting, I cannot appeal to you what your missing. You have to experience the joys of having other people closely tied to the strings that hold your life together in order to see how the ones who hurt you were all worth while. A recent blow to my heart & ego was inflicted by someone I had close in my life for many years, in & out of sobriety. If I held their actions against the world, I would be colder & want no one to be a part of my life again. I am only fortunate enough to know that the spiritually sick will be sick, until they wish to be well, and that they do not define what the rest of the people I meet will be. So when it gets hard, when we get hurt, when its so busy in our brains we just want to get away from everyone & everything, I hope we all can realize & remember the "Importance Of Others". We can only be our greatest if there is someone else to experience us. To everyone who has been so great to me.. I hope that one day I can be my greatest self towards you, a human & spiritual being, that you were proud to know. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Thanks to the help of others I have the desire to continue on today, even through difficult or challenging circumstances. When I got to the marketplace it was slow, my being late was luckily irrelevant because there were no customers really around yet. I set up quickly & was open for business, enjoying a morning chat with one of my neighbor vendors. I even got to see a friend, his new baby & girlfriend, who stayed to talk about a half hour with me. Funny how my higher power threw me exactly what I needed to stay out of my head, positive, & at my best to run my business for the day. Things picked up & I can actually say it was worthwhile to be open for business, financially & socially for me. By the end of the day I was more than happy to leave, I had to work extra & rush at the end because I needed to bring exra cases & merchandise with me for a new marketplace I have begun selling jewelry at on wednesdays. I pushed through & made it out the door as they were cutting the lights. I called my parents & they brightened my day with good news & their usual optimistic cheer. They had bought me extra tables I needed for my business to grow at the new location, I would nominate them as saints if there were a way to do so. Since getting to know me in sobriety, they have become my number one supporters & source of strength & reliability. I took their good news with me the rest of the evening, deciding to stay out of my head, out of the theories of why people have to hurt others selfishly. I went out for a while to play poker & socialize over coffee, had an excellent time & came home early.
I thought an excellent thing to mention tonight as a topic would be to talk about the importance of others in a sober person's life. In active addiction many of us wanted accomplices or help getting our drugs but very little help using them when money got tight. I know for myself, being a lone wolf was appealing because it meant that I need not return favors or support someone else, I could just worry about me & what I needed to do to survive. Alot of people don't understand that we did not have a luxury of chosing to use drugs or drink, that it was indeed survival & a necessity for so long. In my search for happiness through the use of drugs & drinking I had cast all but a few people in my life away. Those few were the ones who I knew I could still use later down the line or that were giving me immediate help for my needs at that period of time. Others were only important if I couldn't get things myself, if I didn't have money that day, or if something came up I couldn't handle myself. It's only now, over a year sober, that I truly realize how important others are in my life. Without my loving parents I would never have made it this far in my recovery, the odds were stacked heavily against me in all areas & I was at a helpless bottom when I began this journey. I also would not have a business today if it were not for them and also for a great man who gave me my start in merchandise & jewelry, just so he could see a guy get ahead. Even my cousin played a vital role in my beginning a business, although he didn't fund me or work for me, he split my first space with me on monthly rent & sold his own goods beside me. For these things, I needed & still need others to help me.
Without allowing others to get close to me & to help me, I would not be sober today. My sponsor & I have helped eachother through many hard moments in our lives, through friendship, honesty, & understanding. My close friends Tom & Jason have been vital "others" in my life, for standing by me & allowing me to stand by them in moments of greatness, achievement, & hardship. If I were just given a manual for life, and I have been in the publication of the 12 Steps, it would do me no good without others to show me how to use it or how it works. It's because I don't have to do it alone that I can do it at all. For those reading this that think you don't need anyone or anything, that you are self made & self supporting, I cannot appeal to you what your missing. You have to experience the joys of having other people closely tied to the strings that hold your life together in order to see how the ones who hurt you were all worth while. A recent blow to my heart & ego was inflicted by someone I had close in my life for many years, in & out of sobriety. If I held their actions against the world, I would be colder & want no one to be a part of my life again. I am only fortunate enough to know that the spiritually sick will be sick, until they wish to be well, and that they do not define what the rest of the people I meet will be. So when it gets hard, when we get hurt, when its so busy in our brains we just want to get away from everyone & everything, I hope we all can realize & remember the "Importance Of Others". We can only be our greatest if there is someone else to experience us. To everyone who has been so great to me.. I hope that one day I can be my greatest self towards you, a human & spiritual being, that you were proud to know. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
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