Positive Perspective & Spirituality

December 13. Hello friends, I have not written since I posted my angel story for my grandmother & I have missed you all. I took the day of the funeral off of work & spent it with family, things had gone so much smoother than I had projected & expected, I want to thank my Higher Power for that especially. I started this week out today with a positive outlook, last week not only contained a great loss in my family life but also in my business as sales were discouragingly low. "This is a whole new week, lets make the best of what I have". That was my mentality waking up this morning, running a few minutes late out the door & for once I was not stressing much over it. My cousin & his wife were waiting at my shop for me to arrive & bought some christmas presents, this added to my positive frame of mind & started my day off with a sale. Maybe a good day is just hard to ruin, or maybe my spiritual condition contributed to it all, I won't claim to know that answer but I do know that things got better as the hours past. Night came & things slowed down, mom came to get me & take me to my MARS Group like any other Monday night. We got there early & sat a few minutes talking then friends w/ the keys to the church showed up so we could get together inside. Only 4 of us showed up & that was just fine, it allowed us all some time to share extra bits of our lives the past week. Looking back on the week, somehow I survived all the sadness & madness of both my family & business losses. It felt good to know that regaurdless of what may be unexpected or unwanted in my life, that everything that is good is still there & I can appreciate that if I am spiritual. The group adjourned & I stopped at my homegroup for a few minutes. At the end they gave me a card in support to our family for our loss of Grandma, its contents a heartfelt message & a gift that could never have been expected. My father was overcome with a warm smile of love & my mother cried tears of joy for their compassion & kindness, my skin tingled looking up from the back seat of the car at the two of them. I got home & needed to write & share my day.

Today the power of a positive personality was magnified by the spirituality of others & the upkeep of my own, this of course something I had nothing to do with but instead my Higher Power delivered to me with Grace. I can only share this story of today, yet another example of spiritual principles working in my life & the lives of those around me. The only choice I have today is over myself & what I do, I chose to surround myself with great people who have a great vision & goal in life. Those people surrounded me & my family with their warmth from the start of my day to the finish, I AM Grateful beyond words. I had another 'spiritual experience' today, it contained no faeries, angels, white lights or booming voices, but I cannot say it was not an act of my Higher Power working in my life today. These spiritual experiences do not happen every day, every week, or even month. I do not know when the next may enter my life, but I do know that the only way I can stand a chance to continue to feel the Grace of my Higher Power is by staying Sober & working a spiritual program in my life. The 12 Steps, fellowships that live them, and the people who my Higher Power choses to work through are all things I cannot explain successes from. I just simply chose to belief & follow, the promises of reasonable happiness & a new perspective on life coming more true everyday. Good Night. Good Morning. <3 Jimmy

A Story Of An Angel

A story of an angel.. A great woman once lived a full & far reaching life of love & compassion. She served her God without faulter & when she grew older he chose her to carry a burden of illness. The illness took her health & quality of life, despite this her God commanded her to love & she never questioned him. She continued to give what little of her self was left in that old age, looking after the helpless & the defenseless, giving warmth & nourishment to all. She spread the word of her God to all who she cared for, she would have it no other way for her Lord said to do that. When her illness got so bad that she could no longer stay home, those who she cared for got scared. Some hid in fear, some rushed to her side, some prayed in the open & others by themselves. Consistant with the world of sin, some even thought of what they may gain in her absence. The woman had touched so many lives that when the end was near there could be nothing said but of her greatness or of how hard it was to see her sick. She was a fighter, God had taught her to be a woman of HIS WORLD, she did not give in right away. There were friends to see first, hands to hold, loved ones to look in the eyes one last time. I remember feeling more proud than when my parents saw me get sober, that this woman saw me look back to her with clear eyes & tell her I love her. A woman that made everyone proud to know her, many who did nearly boasted with pride that this woman who was sick was a substantial part of their life. She TOUCHED THE WORLD for at least a moment, I am sure of it as I am sure of God himself. When a man of God was asked to pray but a needy family member, knowing her & her legacy well, he called her a "Saint". She fought for one more night after that, she lived for one more day, giving the clear signs to all who looked on that she was getting ready to leave them. If it was God or this great woman I may never know, but somehow her Love & Mercy lived on even in her death. As she died just moments before midnight, sparing all who loved her another day of worry & sadness. Her selflessness displayed with an divinely artistic departure from this world, as though to paint the final stroke of color to accent a masterpiece. I couldn't sleep, I can't even speak, so I wanted to write this True Story & share it with you. Because I Love You & want God to mold our lives that we may one day do such great things as Saint Lois The Angel of Love & Mercy.

Let Go, Let God - A Higher Power's Will

December 02. Hello friends, December is underway. The countdown to Christmas & all the other holidays is on the way. I hope everyone has a Happy Haunikah & Merry Christmas this season. With the passing of Thanksgiving I have been reflecting on all I have to be grateful for, but also my brain has been packed full of constant movement because of the grand opening of my new store. The intensity started a few weeks ago when the work began on the new location & has shifted into a stringent schedule of running the shop then making meetings for my spiritual health afterwards. I seem to be holding up rather well, but emotionally there are some things going on under the surface that I could use some help with from my Higher Power. I'll begin w/ my love live, not to be too personal, but I am trying to have one eventually. A few options or avenues have presented themselves to me & I cannot see a clear "good thing" for me to go after as of yet, but I haven't exactly been able to explore anywhere past phone conversations with any of my friends as recent bombardment of responsibility & spiritual work. I am dealing with this okay, but have a lot of wonder in my mind which can be harmful to my disease's recovery process. Next I am balancing emotions about family, with my Grandmother being very ill from the Cancer & a countless amount of other health problems, I have been in denial of alot of my emotions & reality. Yesterday I had my monthly doctors visit, I didn't want to stay long because I had to visit my grandmother because she was awake & conscious to talk to.. I had much I wanted to say. I ended having to stay twice as long as I had hope, but I luckily accepted it & turned it over to my Higher Power as what must be right at the moment, feeling a little resentful about it though & asking for it to take it away from me immediately. That helped too somehow. I checked on my shop, meeting a customer & making a quick sale then closing up officially for the night so I could go see Gram. When I got there I was crushed, to see her in the condition I did was painful & sadenning to the depth of my soul. I swallowed down that despair & raised my voice to an upbeat tone, telling my Nanna that I love her so much & I wanted to come see her. I grabbed her hand & rubbed it for around 20 mintues while nurses were in & out to do bloodwork & check vitals etc. I stared her over, as she nodded to my questions & pointed occasionally to some things she wanted to point out. She could not talk as tubes were down her throat to vent her weakened lungs. So much was hurting me, I could not stay long, my stomache was empty & suddenly got a sharp pitted pain that I think was brought through by stress without dinner. I needed to go have some reflection time & to take a break from the shop further, so I went to play cards & see friends, picking up my spirits a little bit more. Later I went to an old friends house & tried to stay distracted, which helped a bit more. So where did that leave me.

I was struggling with "Lettin Go & Letting God have control of the situations & my acceptance". If it's will was for Gram to pass, then so it is, if its for her to rebound then all the merrier. I had to come to peace w/ that & I prayed, deep & hard. Pleading for the family in tearing pains to be relieved of those & enlightened by his Grace in knowing that if she were spared life tomorrow her pain would be over. If she were to survive further & do so in relative comfort then bring on the miracle. I have prepared for neither the best nor worst, but simply to be accepting of what God has Willed for her healthy & life & also for what the family's independant reactions would be. The fellowship & the 12 Steps are teaching me how to do this, through little lessons & practices prior to this, as well as talking to my sponsor & sober friends about it I have come to peace somewhat with what is to come, good or bad. I have gotten the opportunity to tell her while she was coherent that I love her so very much & that she is MY NANNY. That I want her to feel better & I am praying for her. She is my favorite woman aside from my own mother, who I would not have without her to begin with. The chain of love is well connected in my immediate family & we will all have to re-weld those chains should her's shatter in this mortla world, but I am up to the task. If I may be the only one stable enough to do it, then I will, if not then another will be there to step up, that is how my higher power works today. If I can just let the resutls & outcome be up to my Higher Power, then all will be fine in the end, even if i don't see it for some time. Let Go, Let God. My Higher Power's Will is what I must seek & follow, to adopt as my own & be one with this universe as I was meant to be in growing as a spiritual being. That being when it leaves my body will too hopefully comfort others one day. To my Gram & God, I have let go, but not let go of hope & miracles. I will return so long as your awake to hear me tell you again that I love you. Your are my every example of selfless love that proves in all her works & relationships through life. She is a woman of Faith, and that faith will deliver her to the grandest stage of rewards & recognition before my Higher Power one day. That is my belief, & my beliefs are reality to me. That is all i need to rest easy tonight. Knowing one more dya wiht her is a miracle, as one more day sober is as well. We live for today, hope for tomorrow, and learn from yesterday's mistakes. So Here's to tomorrow when it gets here. I have made it through today by Letting Go.. thank you my Higher Power, Gram, Mom & Dad, Sisters & family.. I love you all without ceasation until my last breath & beyond in spirit. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Moment of Truth

November 30. Hey guys & gals, another day come & another day sober to put to rest. Tonight I had the honor of attending a celebration for one of my greatest friends 21st year in sobriety, Lady Kat congrats. While there a speaker relayed a strong worded & effective message that was well recieved by not only myself but many of the other majority of young people in attendance. I will speak more about this later, especially to note though is this, connecting w/ young people in sobriety is not that easy. This speaker made that seem like a simple task. Before going to the meeting I went to work, it was a long day but it seemed to move quickly because I kept myself busy tackling various projects around the shop that I wanted to get done this week. I made a bit more money than I had hoped too which was another pleasant suprise, but one suprise that was unpleasant was one that came early in the morning.. awakening me from my sleep. My mother got a phone call from the hospital where my Gram was staying at to fight dehydration. I awoken to the call & heard my mother repeating the facts back to the doctor on the line, the news was not good. For quite a while after this I listened as the woman who has been fighting this battle as hard as my Gram herself was being hit by the emotional blows, her composure failed as she made each call to the family. My Gram had to be put on machines to assist her breathing, a drip to assist her cardiovascular pattern that was no pattern at all, and later still she had to be leveled out with insulin due to poor blood sugar when she has never had these problems before in her life. My mother had to rush off before dawns rise to get to her mother's side, her strength coming evidently from her Higher Power because she has not rested in over a month because of these growing problems abroad. I had countless dreams afterwards & woke up each time to an empty house as my father had to go to work, selflessly taking up his duty as a husband & father to provide for us & help me stay ahead in my battles as well. The last dream I had was awoken by a phone call saying that I had to get up an hour early, things had taken a worse turn w/ Gram & my sisters needed to be w/ my mother. I do not grieve well in hospitals, because of this I chose to go where I could find my own strength at my shop operating my business. My day began with this, but my journey began quite a while ago when I was faced with my own alarming "call" if you will.. a MOMENT of truth.

Tonight's speaker shared a bit about realizing he had not looked himself in the face for 2 years prior to getting sober, I could relate to this piece he shared. In my active addiction the only time I could look at my face in the mirror was when I was taking a halucinagen & was so far gone that in my mind I did not see myself at all. Any given morning of my life for over a decade I did not & could not face to even up in a mirror, the person I was then had become something I did not desire, like, or more importantly love. I remember wondering for ages what in my life caused this to happen, what exactly turned me into this monster I was, because if I was born this way I certainly "flipped the switch" sometime before my mid teens. I say that because I remember feeling as a child like I had a good life, that I had friends & a good family, and that I fit in. But there was a moment, I today know that I began to drink & drug to escape my life & the first moment it began was when I lost my will to live.. shortly after I lost the love of my young life to a car accident. With that loss I also discarded my belief in a God of goodness & fairness, of balance in the world, and of the possibility of dreams becoming true. These all have taken me a long time in sobriety to regain, some still not fully but the pieces are finally returning. It has taken much time & may take the rest of my life to restore, what in one moment was lost deep within my soul & spirit. That task is something I am up for today, sobriety is at the foreground of my life & is the reason I have a life of worth & possibility today. I thank my Higher Power, God, for this & for being there even though I had given up on it's presence in my life for so many years. Back to a 'moment' now.

That moment I spoke of reduced me to despair & a downward spiral, hopeless & maturing into being my own worst enemy in life. No wonder I too did not want to look myself in the eyes, that mirror would show the reflection of my enemy, that would be like a free nation welcoming the company & presence of a dictatorship or communist nation. So now in sobriety it makes since, but back then I did not know why I hated myself, my higher power, and the world around me. I loved one thing, the thing that would allow me to escape myself, that world around me, and be numb enough to hide from my creator, drugs & alcohol was that thing. At the end of my years of falling apart, I had hit a bottom, one where I was no longer desiring to live & had no power over anything or my weaknesses. That bottom point of hopelessness was met by the last glimmer of hope in my spirit, that glimmer of hope at the black bottom of the pit was my 'Moment of Truth'. I could die & be happy, the suffering would be finished or I could seek out a solution; some way to recovery from this hopeless state of mind & body. In that moment I did not gain religion, nor sobriety in a flash of light, instead I gained a spiritual experience or an understanding in my soul for better words. That experience made me feel that things could get better, but how, by following the guidance & path of those who have successfully recovered. This bottom, the moment of truth, was the cause of my sobriety today. I will always remember my moment, sparing the details for another time, it was a significant piece of not only my life but those who love & know me. So the moments of truth today that come from others, even those I care about & love all the way down to the ones I don't care much for at all, they come to me with more acceptance & understanding. Finally having my own moment of truth, and working the Steps in my life, I am able to cope with the tangles & tragedies that we know as life. I am able to see the great parts of many things that happen, ones that others might see as a pure loss or disaster, those good parts I see keep my spiritual life above the point at which a drink becomes possible. Any day I believe I am cured or that I have the hang of this recovery stuff is a potential day that I will forget my 'Moment of Truth', for me to forget is to drink or drug once again. That my friends I cannot afford. I Love Life too much today to let that happen & I hope I always will. Please pray for my Gram, for her children & grand children, friends & fellows, that this time which God has made so confusing to so many can be recieved for what it is, as God's Will, and that all may see the good in what is happening & to come. Hold onto your moments, they are yours. Share them with others & enjoy life, remember. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Milestones - Celebrations

November 29. Hey everybody & happy new week to you all. I had a busy monday but it was all positive stuff so it really was not a bad day, in fact I'd say it was a good day. After the excitement & newness of this weekend, brought on from my shop's grand opening, I had thought that today was going to be a drag due to all the work I have been doing. It was the exact opposite. I didn't make a great deal of money like on the weekend days, but I did make enough to make me feel the day was worthwhile. I met many new people & there was a steady movement of strange faces as people kept coming in to check out this new marketplace. While greeting the people who came by to see my wares, I was also stocking merchandise into display cases. The once large pile of backstock is finally seeming to be managable as I work it a little each day & I am on track to be caught up & moving on to another focus for the business by this weekend's onset. Mom had to visit my grandma, who originally was going in for a procedure but it got delayed until tomorrow. She made her way back to me & even helped me get some work done for a while before we closed up for the night. I left an hour early because on Monday's I have one of my favorite groups, MARS. It was a small group there but they are always the best because we often get the best talks & the most sincere advice/guidance. Afterwards my friend dropped me off at my homegroup to catch the last half of the celebrations going on there. 4 people celebrated a combined total of 96 years of sobriety tonight, that number is staggering & is also a comforting message in itself. To me it is anyways, it says so much, in fact it's enough that I want to write about it.

Celebrations in sobriety are something that have multiple values. What I mean by that is this.. The first year a person celebrates it means so much, a milestone, a heartfelt moment of accomplishment & grace from our higher power. It is encapsulated into a day or night which everyone celebrates the hard work & dedication as well as the miracles that led up to that day. Later years it is often said by people, "This is not a celebration for me, but a celebration for the fellowship itself & the 12 Steps". What is meant by that is at some point we are no longer celebrating for ourselves, to bask in the amount of time we have been sober & hard at work in our spiritual lives, but rather we are celebrating to honor that which made it all possible & to show others who have not yet reached a milestone that the fellowship & the steps do in fact WORK. These values combined make celebrations of sobriety an important thing to us all, new & seasoned alike. We offer eachother these honors & sometimes tokens of accomplishment to keep the message alive as well as raise hope in our hearts. I remember at my 1 year celebration, the outpouring of people who came to support me & celebrate the success of spirituality in my life. Not one person there could deny the miracle at hand, the values of a celebration turning out to be beyond priceless.

To keep it simple, we celebrate because it's the right thing to do. When compared to the celebrations in our past, active addiction that is, there is not the negatives that constantly ruined our lives & these types of events. For once we gather without alcohol or drugs, not to have a bash filled with trouble & chaos, but to just wing it & enjoy the calmness & serenity that comes from sober living. Tonight that 96 years of combined sobriety, among a mere 4 people, was more than I can put in words. To see that there is a solution, beyond the shadow of a doubt, there is LIVING PROOF that it "Works if YOU Work It!". I can only hope to give to others one day the same sense of hope & amazing belief in my higher power's grace, the same way these others have done for me tonight. I only was able to capture a fraction of the moment, catching only half the meeting by the time I arrived, but that fraction was multiplied by the memory of my own celebration & it has filled me up with goodness tonight. Everyday we are sober is worth celebrating, because any day we do that we stand as living proof to any who doubt it, that there IS a solution. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Spiritual Power Sources - Plug In

November 26. Hello everybody, it's Black Friday & instead of shopping like alot of America I was instead stocking the display cases at my new shop in preperation for our opening of the new location tomorrow. It was a long day, but eventful in many ways. My parents & I started off w/ a nice breakfast nearby home & saw my sister too because she was waitressing. So after a good way to start the day we headed up to the new store & got to work. Little by little the three major display cases began to take shape. Mid afternoon my mother got a call that my Gram was going to have to go to the hospital because her dehydration & weakness was growing too much & medical attention was needed. She's been sicker in ways, but this was one thing we had hoped could be avoided in her recovery from Chemo. My mom met the ambulance at the hospital, my dad driving her & then he came back to help me some more on my preparations. Time kept ticking & the shortness of hands made it apparent that we wouldn't finish everything today. I kind of expected that even with additional help, so it was no suprise when time ran out & we had to secure all the stock not put out yet. Dad & I pushed on & got out of there in the knick of time, just enough time to grab some fast food before I had to get dropped off at my usual Friday night group. I was sore, aching, tired, and I think the day was starting to eat at my spiritual condition. I say that because by the time I got out of the meeting I felt entirely different than walking in, however still sore, I felt renewed by the discussion & fellowship that took place. Just noticing this about myself today brings a good topic to mind & before I get onto the other work I have to do yet tonight I thought it might help me to write about it.

Over the course of a day there are certain things we can do to stay connected to our spirituality, in a sense feeding it "snacks" to keep it full as we would snack to stay nourished. I notice many times if I am busy or things get hectic, I often don't stop to do the little things needed to stay connected to the "Spiritual Power Source". By the end of a long day, providing nothing major goes wrong to make me burst while in that spiritually deprived condition, I end up feeling dull, dragged down, and sometimes even depressed. Like when we sit down & eat a healthy meal, we often don't need to snack for quite some time because the large portion fills us. The same happens I've noticed with my recovery, if I go to a Group or meeting for an hour, I end up feeling spiritually well fed & usually bounce back to a good mood & happy existance. Most days a person is not swamped, hopefully anyway, and they have the opportunity to get those small spiritual snacks that make the day so much easier to bear sober than waiting for a larger spiritual meal at night, such as a meeting. Those snacks can be in the form of phone calls to friends, other alcoholics, or a sponsor for example. They can also be reading literature that promotes positive thinking our spiritual lessons & balance. Fact is that there are countless sources in which we can get a quick recharge to our spiritual condition. "Spiritual Power Sources" are many, some giving little tidbits & some great serenity that can last us hours, days, and even longer for some of us.

The important part is that I recognize when I am not plugging in to these sources, when I am not eating spiritual food. When I go an entire day without getting a snack for the sober soul, then I take a greater risk of letting my alcoholism affect me directly. It can do it a million ways, from just a dull feeling to depression to let my emotions get worn down or add to stress & physical exhaustion. Its a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease that requires rigorous action on a daily basis to live happy despite it. Those are actions I am willing to take, sometimes in moderation & sometimes the not so recommended way 'all at once', but in any case I need to never lose track of my spiritual fitness. When I'm not feeling fit, I need to get to a meeting, make that phone call, or just talk about it to somebody understanding. I need to read something positive or say a positive prayer, and realize that I am who I am & can be my best rather than let a day get the best of me. Here's to the spiritual snacks & meals that exist in many different forms, I'm hungry & willing to share my food with anyone else who needs it. So lets keep plugged in to a "Spiritual Power Source", big or small, and tell someone else who it can help exactly what worked for us. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thanksgiving - Giving Thanks & Gratitude

November 25. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope your holiday was well spent & filled with the light of the spirit. I know that my day was certainly spiked with moments of spiritual bliss, a few not so grand moments on my part, and alot of great thankful hearts surrounding me. I started my day off w/ an afternoon dinner, my sisters, parents, nephew & nieces, and my funny brother in law. The tone at dinner was one of family, everything tasted great & even the kids ate well like they are supposed to. I was up a little late so after eating it was time for a little nap & I awoken to cake being served to my niece as we celebrate her birthday on the holiday today as well. The babies had cake & adults had pie & other great desserts mom & dad made over the course of last night. What a treat to wake up to see the youth in their element & the adults all smiling as I joined them. I could not have asked for a better day other than to be a little less tired, but I am thankful I was able to get some rest & take care of myself as I should. Everyone left the house, having stops & visits to make & I kept myself entertained for an hour or two until my sister came back to take me to my meeting. It took me a while to get ready & she was early, after getting to the store on the way I realized I forgot the key to the building & upon slamming the car door in frustration w/ myself I stepped on the top of the pie I was bringing, thankfully wrapped in plastic. I let myself get mad at myself, but it only took a short ride to get the key & some thought of my gratitude today for life itself, and I was back in a good spot spiritually for the meeting.

So many more people showed up than I had though, it was a heart filling experience to be honored to chair a Holiday meeting & see so much support & friendship gathered. After a great friend as the speaker we all shared on the subject of gratitude & it seems like a great topic to write about tonight as it coincides with the holiday itself. I didn't know what gratitude was going to do for my life in the beggining of this sober journey, but I heard people tell me repeatedly that it was something I needed to learn to have. I even heard people say they were grateful to be alcoholic or addicts, initially that puzzled me, but today I know why. Having the 12 Steps & the fellowship I am with today in my life is something to be grateful for, without being an alcoholic & drug addict I would never have met these people or found these principles working in my life today. That is something to be grateful for, something that did not come easy & I had to learn like an ecrypted code how to decipher. It's not just on Thanksgiving that we need to have gratitude, every day we have it & make a point at finding things we are grateful for, is another day we have a helpful tool in staying sober. Gratitude gives us a reason to do service work for others, and to carry the message of hope to those who arent yet convinced or haven't found the way yet. We give thanks any way we can, sometimes verbally, sometimes with gifts, sometimes with a handshake, but the best way we can give thanks to those who it matters the most is to live Sober & Spiritually as well to carry an attitude of gratitude as often as we possibly can.

Of all the ways to give thanks, I enjoy giving back to people who need it. Not money, because I don't have financial riches to bless others with, and not always in a measurable way like a gift or gesture. Instead I give of myself, whatever use I can be to a person, cause, or fellowship & the thing I give the most in gratitude today is probably my appreciation & time. There are so many ways to give thanks, but we don't always know what we are grateful for. It was suggested long ago & still is suggested places I go today, that I make a Gratitude List that I can reflect on to remember all the things I am grateful for in my life sober today. I have made some of these lists throughout my sobriety, sometimes on a napkin or scrap of paper, sometimes in a journal or other writing, and I think that they genuinely help my spirituality & growth in sobriety. If I remember what I am grateful for in my sober life, then the reasons not to return to the hell of my active addiction are clear at any given moment. Its the difficult moments when its heard to keep our gratitude, in those moments the fellowships & friends as well as family have helped keep my sobriety intact & helped pass the time needed for the gratitude to return. Phone numbers, visits w/ sober friends, spending quality time w/ people I love, and going to fellowship groups to listen & learn about the Steps is all ways to build my gratitude. Another great way is to just experience life in a sober manner, living in the light of the spirit has given me a higher form of gratitude at times, and that is something I am most grateful for. Happy Holidays everyone. The warmest time of the year is upon us, if we only look past the ice & snow & embrace the warmth of spiritual living. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy