Dealing W/ Pain & Hurt - A Solution

July 31. Hello friends, its midnight Saturday morning & I just endured a not so wonderful friday. It actually ended much better than I had hoped & because of this I am optimistic that the tools I am using in recovery are indeed working more than ever in my life, spirituality is taking prescidence over my alcoholism in a rare occurance. I started this morning on a good note, chatting w/ a friend & setting up a later in the day rendezvous. I laid down for a while, then got a message from the same friend telling me to disregaurd anything I hear from anyone else about them that someone was being an "ass" as they put it. It turned out there was reason for them to not want me to hear what was said, because it happened to all be true, that they in fact were walking all over me like a "Door Mat" inside the front door of my house. All of the things I were told fit exactly into place, the violations of trust, the lies, the cover ups, and all of the areas I had been taken complete advantage of. This blow comes from someone who has hurt me before, but I had given a fair shake to because my alcoholism did exactly qualify me to say I had done better in my past. I was completely crushed that I had trusted this friend with so much of myself, had sacrificed many times & dollars to help them, and invested myself to them as far to say they were "a privledged friend" & could indeed hurt me if they chose to do so with my trust in them.

I made it clear to this person that our friendship was over, that I would not allow myself to ever be vulnerable to them again. I even said some not so nice things, all which applied to this person due to their actions, that I would not normally say to a person if I was not upset. At this point I realized that not only has this person hurt me, my ego, my trust & my security, but they also were getting the best of me. I was stepping outside the spiritual boundries of the person I am & wish to stay today, and backwards towards my quick acting & selfish alcoholism. Although I said nothing untrue, the words I chose to define my feelings about them & their actions could have been softer, easier, less venemous. I let myself be the snake for a few seconds that I work every day in sobriety not to be. Shortly after the unfolding of this "approach" by telephone to this now ex-friend, it was time to go to dinner with my parents for our usual friday ritual. I carried some of my bitterness with me, unfortunately two of the people who love me the most had to see something eating at their son. My willingness to talk about it took some of that away, by the end of dinner I had gained the mind enough that I should go early to the meeting tonight & help setup. Helping others was a way that I was taught to get outside my own problems, outside my own head, and inside a solution that felt better without using a drug or drinking. My old alcoholic mind would have taken me out to a dealer or a bar to try & cope with this huge social failure in my life I was stressing over.

Maybe I am underplaying it a little bit, this person really had me in a spot to hurt me, they have been an active part of my life on & off for almost 10 years. Five of those years we were almost inseperable. They were not alcoholic, just sick enough to stay along for my ride evidently as I went through phases in my life. So as damaged as I was, talking about it to my parents gave some of that power over me away. It has less grip on me & I got to the meeting early. I set up the meeting & started to make the coffee & the chairman arrived. We got talking about other things & about his life, before I knew it I was distracted from my own woes & rejoicing in his good news. More people showed up & one of my closest friends in my sobriety right now showed up, needing some help with a situation that I could actually be of use to her. I talked with their sponsor & them, we came to a solution that gave me the ability to offer some serious help to them. That opportunity to help someone in GREAT NEED, lifted me out of my own depths and I was once again feeling the spirit around me. I cannot explain the magic of it or how it works, it just does, I have experienced it before & again tonight. Any who doubt, I say this, Try It & See For Yourself. You can in fact turn yourself around, or perhaps it is my higher power that does it, in any case, it can happen by helping someone else in need. My selfish worries & my failing friendship became so minute that I was overwhelmed with happiness found in the service of others.

This is not a joke, I do not support illusions or false solutions, nor do I support a temporary band-aid that helps for the moment like drugs or alcohol did in my past.. This is the real thing & it works. I went through the meeting in a good spiritual place, surrounded by friends, some I helped, some helped me. The circle goes around, selflessly we attend to eachother's needs spritiually. That is the way of the 12 Step fellowships & the way of each of our higher powers. Its what has worked for alcoholics & addicts for 75 years successfully to date, since the creation of the 12 Steps. There is no better solution than the ones found in a 12 Step recovery program. Anyone can adopt the spiritual principles found there into their life with or without an addiciton & benefit. I have.. GREATLY. Tonight is yet another proof in my days of sobriety that this works, if I work it & others work it together with me. Two people showed up at a meeting in despair, and through helping eachother a group & individuals together made things better if not fixed completely for some. I know that although my hurt & pain from the incident today may exist some tomorrow it will be less, and each day I use the tools I have it will grow lesser. This has given me the ability, be I a "Door Mat" or not, to brush the dirt off myself. Not only that, but I am learning how to prevent being walked on again by this person & to let go of the pain they have caused. It would be hard to walk all over a door mat if the door in front of it is locked & closed, that being said I must not keep it closed to the next person that walks up but allow them access to my life. I have been told I will learn how to do this by friends & my sponsor, I look forward to it. I also look forward to the next time someone walks through the front door of my life & takes their shoes off, considerate & loyal to the concept of being my friend. Here's to the lessons & life walking with the Spirit. Thank You for Listening to me tonight. Your ears, eyes & mouth are a part of my recovery. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

A Responsibility To Help & Fulfill

July 30. Hey friends, Happy Friday to all of you. It's morning here in my neck of the woods & it was a long night for me. I thought I would write about something not so personal but that still applies to my sobriety & spirituality in general. First I do want to share how my Thursday went. I went to see one of the law enforcement agencies I have been going to for years now, a consequence of my past & addiction, I've been serving time. One day at a time it has passed & on my visit thursday morning my officer told me I would not have to come in any longer. I was going to be discharged on my official date that was set & he urged me to "shine on as one of their FEW success stories". That made me feel a little proud, to be called a success by someone who's job is to catch the flawed addict/alcoholic & criminal mind. It's a testament as to how far I have really come & a good reminder of why I never wish to go back to that life of chaos & entrapment. From there I visited a friend whom I am very close with, I got upset due to selfish reasons & issues in the past I was nervous about being repeated. Instead of causing a scene or showing my feelings I left, hoping it would pass as I went on with my day. Some of it passed, but some stayed fresh. In the end I had to have a talk with them via text message to explain why I left & what offended me so much. All I should share is this, they had not been concerned with respect for my needs as their close friend who is in recovery, not according to how close they say I am to them.

I spend the rest of the day doing little of significance, getting ready for my evening meeting like every thursday. When I got there we had a good meeting with an even better topic, but afterwards I was suprised. There was an argument during our business meeting about the group failing to provide a meeting last week, when others showed up & knew nothing of its cancellation or if it was relocated somewhere else that night. I was one of the people who knew nothing & had to go back home uninformed & with no meeting. The argument ended in someone storming out, angry & upset. I took a position on the subject before the argument broke out, which is my topic for tonight. As an alcoholic/addict in recovery, I accept the responsibility to help others in need. Not only that, but as a man who wishes to live along spiritual lines I must help others or I am not doing the works of the spirit. Helping others is a huge part of recovering from a spiritual disease & is the only way to stay well, anything short of that will lead to a sure slipping backward in my sobriety. I know this because I have experienced small bouts of it during selfish periods & because those who failed at this before me have shown me & explained what they did wrong, so that I don't have to make the same mistakes. Today I trust & believe that I must do this or I will not remain well. Because of that I simply do. But some don't feel that way...

I question the motivation of anyone that would interfere with one person helping another. To block or sabatoge this in any way, when there are sick & suffering people with spiritual diseases such as alcoholism or addiction, an act to prevent this is not one of the spirit. A group of people who assemble to help others should do just that, there should never be a publicly published listing that a group will be available to help & there not be there someone the place & time that there was supposed to be. I personally hold myself accountable to being somewhere when someone asks me for help & so do the 12 Step groups. There was an issue of many showing up to a meeting & no one being there, its happened to me many times & its not a good thing. Because of this, I will never join a group that does not hold themselves responsible, that at all costs there be a door open & a person at the location to offer help to another or at least direct them to where help can be found. I can do my part by not supporting groups that are irresponsible and promoting groups that are. Although I don't publicly support any groups at all on this blog, I do recommend privately to those who ask me for a place to go or join for good sobriety & spirituality. The thought of a newcomer expriencing what I did the few times I went to a meeting & there was nobody there is horrible. A person's first time, they get the bravery to get themselves help & seek out a group to help them & no one is there. It would be no suprise if they went out after finding no one, alone & lost, drunk crashing a car to die or overdosed in an alleyway. This is no game, I am responsible, not for all but for my part.

I was so rattled by the lack of presence where it was published that help would be available for persons seeking it, that I decided to write about it in this blog today. I ask any and all of you who will ever help another person in this lifetime, if you say you will be somewhere to help then be there. You could make the difference of someone finding a way out of one of the many horrors that exist out there, someone could be counting their last chance on you if you say you will help. Letting people down is a horrible character defect to bear, it stinks of low morals like those I had back in my active addiciton. No matter the cause, Help Others when you can. If you belong to a group that helps people, make sure they are committed to doing just that. If they drop the ball, the moral responsiblity shifts from them failing to support others as promised, to us supporting a group that lets people down that are in need. We cannot control everyone else who goes around leaving people hanging, helpless & searching for help, in need & asking any that will lend a hand.. but we can make sure we do not support anyone who does not follow through with their commitments to others. We can remove ourselves from these groups or we can take a stand & personally make sure it never happens again by getting involved with the responsible members if there are any. All I know is that I am grateful the first night I RAN to a meeting in fear I might die if I used drugs or drank one more time, that someone was there to open the door. I am grateful too that when a young man showed up to his first meeting & locations were switched, that I had the honors of waiting in the parking lot, telling him the meeting would be down the road instead.. To hold that responsibility is a privledge & a blessing, not something that is to be blown off or dismissed nor should it ever make it to argument. I am responsible when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help. I want the hand of these fellowships to always be there & for that, I AM RESPONSIBLE. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Help From Others - How Necessary Is It?

July 27. Hello everybody, my big Fat Tuesday is almost over just under an hour to go. I hope all of you experienced a good day full of spirit & happiness. For those of you who didn't, there is an opportunity to try again tomorrow so long as our higher power lets us. I spent a good portion of the day recooperating from a long day yesterday. We had my Sober BBQ to celebrate spiritual & sober principles changing the lives of many. Some felt it was a celebration to commemerate my 1 Year sober, but I had dedicated the event entirely to the miracles of my higher power helping so many get & stay sober. There was a huge crowd, more than I had imagined & I got to see so many close friends & members of my support group & family. The event was an entire success that everyone said they absolutely loved & had a blast. For that I am grateful that my higher power blessed us with such a beautiful day & such beautiful people, I couldn't have done it without the help of that higher power. I spent so much time trying to be a good host & enjoying everyone's smiles & laughter that I didn't take much time to sit except for a few moments to each or have a cigarette in the shade. Because of that I am extremely sore today, but it was all so worth it. I would do it all over again tomorrow & take being twice as sore as the consequence just to see those smiles all over again. When the party ended we all headed to my home group meeting for 8pm, where my sponsor (celebrating 11 years) & myself and a friend celebrating our first year sober each got our coins.

The speaker was a good friend & man of integrity that I admire in the program of recovery. He is a step worker, a service to others, and a hell of a person with a good spirit to match. The meeting was a huge success as well & ended with cake & fellowship afterwards that was better than any I have seen. I was known in the past for knowing how to throw a good party, the illegal kind, but this was all a great party of the spiritual kind. Inspired by my higher power, I guess despite how much some things can change, some things will never change & I will always have a good mind for creating fun for others like parties & planning events. Maybe that skill will translate into a useful tool down the line in helping others, because we don't get sober to be bored or miserable, we do it to have fun & enjoy life. I slept alot come tuesday because I was very sore & tired from an almost 20+ hour day. Feeling alot better in the evening I decided to go to my usual Tuesday night meeting, the nice part was that this was the week we began the outside meetings under the pavilion. There is something spiritual about being outside in the open air, among the elements, birds & crickets chirping. Its a liberating & freeing feeling being there, the open air lead to very open conversation & a real topic of interest & help to me and many others.

I came back home afterwards, getting dinner on my way, because I have to rest for a long day of broadening my business opportunities tomorrow. I will be going to open a shop up at a new marketplace nearly an hour drive away & its open 12 hours, thankfully for the pilot run at doing this my mom is coming along to be of assistance to me. I couldn't do it without her for sure, like in sobriety, she & many others have been there for me to take the next step necessary to succeed in life. I think that makes a good segway into an important topic. "How necessary are others when we get sober or want to be spiritual?? They are extremely important, in fact it has been history that anyone who tries to do it on their own has mainly failed & eventually turned to another for help in doing this. In a world of self made business men/women & successful people at many things, it is not so much the same way in getting sober or learning spiritual living. We ultimately need someone to show us how to do it, having been programmed by some obscure disease called alcocholism. Most of us don't know where to begin & even if we can figure somethings out, we have no idea that a few failures will later turn into success if we keep doing whats required of us. It takes the ones who have successfully made it to a spiritual life to show us that the things we are trying that don't seem to work right away actually will in time.

It's a world where people often need "proof". Scientific, medical, physical, or in some kind of writing based on a professional's view on something. Needing proof just like everyone else, this is where we look to others to find it before we can experience it for ourselves. This makes it Absolutely Necessary For Others When We Get Sober Or Want To Be Spiritual . This is primarily because when we finally are burned out or in enough pain to try & stop, we feel we have tried everything & that we just cannot achieve it. From my own experience before starting my 12 Step recovery program & meeting its successful members, I had accepted the fact that I was created different with a disease that caused me to destroy my life over & over in serach of something to make me feel complete, all sought in a chemical fashion. I had tried so many ways to break the chemical obsession, the habbit & dependancy if you will, and nothing worked. Attempts at abstenance were thwarted in hours if not a few short days. I could not endure living with myself without them, it was too much pain to do so without something to escape it or numb it. I had accepted that I will either live the rest of my life that way & I will die from it at some point, either that or a miracle needed to happen. Because of other's helping me & a shot in the dark prayer to my higher power, that miracle did happen. I got the break I needed, an opportunity to work on my life building, a blueprint shown to me by others on how to do so, and a one day at a time/ one step at a time approach that was simple enough to follow so long as I was willing to be honest & try my hardest.

The success of my getting sober is directly because of the involvement of others, I am no self made man today, I never will be. That is because today I am a man of Sobriety & Spirituality. If I had chosen to stay in my old ways I could have been a self made junkie of no worldly worth or spiritual value to anyone or anything, including myself. The gratitude for me is endless in realizing that I had no clue on how to live spirtiually & without drinking or drugs. It's because of a few great people who have sober & spiritual lives that I have made it today, all put in my life by my higher power's will. There must be something great in store for me one day, perhaps to help others as I have been helped, or maybe something equally important. All I know that is if I continue to recognize the significance of others being in my life & continue to lean on them for strength, hope, and experience so I can build my life further from that, then I will end up being a winner in life just like them. A winner is not someone who has all the money, or gets all the girls in town, not someone who is the best at everything.. a winner is someone who does there best always, is willing to improve upon anything they can, is not afraid to take advice & follow the lead of others who have achieved greatness before him, and someone who has belief & trust in their higher power.. that all that happens is for a reason & all things are created to serve a purpose, even those that are percieved as bad contain some value to somebody. I pray that all who seek the spiritual path, and I hope that everyone does one day, that they will find that it is attainable & walkable through the help of others, with others. The highway to spiritual growth & recovery is a wide one, let us walk the broad highway together standing side by side, looking around for who can show us the next right step in our common direction.. spritiual & sober lives til death. Thanks for blogging in. Good Morning.. Good Night... <3 Jimmy

Why Not Me? - Selfish Wishes & Wants

July 25. Hello everyone. A great day to be alive & remember that I am only human. After a long day with some high & low moments in my mind & emotions I realize this more than ever. I thank my Higher Power that I am not perfect, nor do I have to be, because if I had to uphold that on a day like today I would have failed. The most important thing is that I survived the day sober so that my next opportunity I have to grow spiritually I am not behind several steps like I was in the past. I started the morning out picking up a friend that wanted to help me work at my shop since I helped them out with some things they needed. It was nice not to be alone for the day & to not have to worry about anyone stealing anything during my cigarette breaks. My friend left a little early & I ended up closing up as I usually do, starting a half hour before closing & finishing as the lights get cut out. I guess that the day was probably long for them being their first time out to help me, or maybe they had personal matters or engagements to attend to. For some reason I almost took it personal when they left, but the thought occured to me that I was being selfish by having any expectations at all. I think that selfishness has plagued on me alot recently in certain areas of my life. I went on with my day & on my way home to just clear my head & distract myself I stopped to see a friend who was swimming at a nearby pond a few miles from my house. After a little bit of sun & too much of the heat after a long day I came home to cool off & relax.

My alarm went off & it was time to start getting ready for the evening. My friend who was supposed to go "with" me to the meeting had decided that they did want to go to the meeting too, but with someone else. I try to be a very humble person, all my higher power has given me is really quite the gift. This is where those human reminders kick in because I selfishly began to think.. "I wonder when someone will want to be around me like that, so that I am the one not getting the call or notice that they are "with" so & so, or going with "so & so", and when I really get to being in my selfish, I wonder oughtright when it will be my turn for someone to desire me instead of being the one told that plans changed. This human flaw is one some would call jealousy, maybe so, I rather call it selfishness. It is truly nothing of anything that I want to be. Maybe it's the way I am programed, or the way many of us just are, but I am willing to work on this area of myself & my thinking. I can only be a better friend, brother, son, or whatever role I play in any given relationship if I work on this selfish craving. Besides actually finding someone that is mutually interested in me at the level I would like to experience, the only way I know how to combat this inner selfishness to be "desired" by another is to give more of myself to others. People who don't know why this solution works may never be the spiritual type who see the benefit of helping others, but it is a cure to the soul that works better than anything I know or have experienced.

I realize that many times in my life I had been the "object" of someone's affection or desires, I even more acknowledge the fact that during those times I was a very spiritually sick person in the prime of my disease. Back then I had ruined everything, every chance someone paid me mind or entered my life, I somehow managed to squeeze the life out of it through constant using of drugs, drinking, & taking that person for all I could get out of them. There is still a selfish part of me that I have come to realize is not alcoholic, but simply human. That is to always want some sort of selfish things from various relationships & from the world itself. The primary difference between the past, in my addiction, and now in sobriety is this though. I know today that I am not only willing, but capable of giving so much of myself in return for the things I really want in life. They are the type of things that a person prays about when alone, all of those things that lift a smiler wider & put a pep in their step. They are as giving as they are recieving & work like a magical magnet, pulling as another pushes. I can only benefit to realize that everything happens on the universe's time & my higher power's time, not my own. These things I wish for, as little or big as they may be, will come in good time if they are to come at all. I cannot create them, they will just happen because I am myself & the people I care about are themselves. No amount of effort other than bettering myself & doing spiritual work for the world around me can influence it into being the selfish way I want it. The only way my selfish "wants & wishes" are met if someone else own selfish needs are the same. I want to thank all of the examples of this I have seen in the past few days for helping me to understand, all the great people that have helped share their thoughts & talk with me about their own experiences, and my higher power for helping me realize that no matter what the outcome, "It's worth being a good person" and that "It's not selfish to want what everyone else does". Not too selfish anyway. All in good time, One Day At A Time. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

All The Small Things - Small Times Are Big Time

July 22. Hey everyone. Thursday was different for a change, not good or bad, just different & thats okay sometimes. I had a migraine last night that lasted almost past sunrise, I finally had enough & began to sleep over the pinching pain around 6AM. I tossed for the first two house finaly getting back up after a nightmare I had. Once I got my bearings & smoked a cigarette I laid back down again, this time I slept for a straight 7 hours or so. I must have needed the sleep because I was oblivious to the world around me. My mom tried to wake me up for a phone call & I don't remember what I said to her, but something along the lines of "I can't do anything, I don't feel good". Finally I got up & started moving, the day mostly over but I had a meeting at night in a few hours & needed dinner. Mom made a great dinner which was done by the time it needed for me to be on time at the meeting, only one problem. As I got there the meeting was evidently cancelled due to a gathering or picnic function at the church it normally meets at. Just having been there the week prior I hadn't heard anything about it, but things come up without notice & so did this I guess. I saw one other person there that had assume it was "business as usual" & she told me there was a sign on the door saying no meeting. With that I headed back home & instead of letting it frustrate me like some past times have I decided to enjoy myself w/ family.

An important part of my spiritual program is remember to spend time with those who are most important to me. I didn't get sober afterall to forget the small things in life, like watching a movie with mom & dad. Every small thing that matter, all of which were comprimised during addiction to selfishness of an incontrollable disease of spiritual bankruptcy & endless craving. Today I look forward to small moments, they are some of the biggest moments I will share with people I care about. Small things that are worthwhile often come from the biggest people in our lives, parents, friends, sisters & brothers, a wonderful person we are in love with.. all of those relationships get better in time so long as we stay sober & spiritual & they too do not fail the relationship spiritually. It is a two way road when building those special bonds in life, but I see it as my personal responsibility to do my part & participate in those small moments & times that accumulate to a rather big love in my life. My parents have loved me through all, even when I could not love myself, as my sisters & other close friends have as well. It is to these people I owe as much of myself as I can offer, that is in good qualities not the bad. My spiritual responsibilities also require that I keep these loved ones away from my worst qualities, we all have them & only our higher power can remove them with hard work, time, & prayer/meditation.

Some say that we must take the good with the bad, this may be true, but we do not have to give our bad with our good. We can make a conscience & spiritual effort to work on ourselves & shelter those whom we love most from our worst character defects. To be human makes this impossible in it's entirety, but possible in part, the part we chose to work on. It's giving it all we got that makes the small time with loved ones part of the big picture, even though we are not used to sitting & watching a movie because our past did not make room for so, we must be willing to explore new things & find those moments we enjoy with others. Once we find those special moments they are worth repeating. Why mess with success? As I cannot argue that the 12 Steps & spirituality has changed my life from tragedy to triumph, we should not argue a good time with loved ones as not worth another try down the road. So when it comes to the big picture, lets look at all those small things that made it possible. And let's include them in our lives over & over, as much as we possibly can. We have nothing to gain but a smile on our face & an easy feeling of good kharma by knowing we selflessly gave our time to those who love us, maybe, just maybe more than we love them. Not questioning the love of any for me or another with that statement, just saying that in spiritual growth that I have found love to be an enormous motivation in my life. Enjoy your big life everyone, but make time for the small things. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

To Be Or Not To Be - When In Question

July 22. Happy Thursday to all of my friends. My wednesday was not too bad, I didn't feel good physically during the day & got some bad news towards the evening regaurding a financial source I am involved in. I can only attribute me not freaking out about the whole loss of these dollars in my budget because of what spiritual lessons have worked before in my life. I have broken down & acted out before because of financial burdens or impacts & it had gotten me no where. I must be learning that my higher power occasionally humbles me & reminds me of who is actually in control of the situation down here on the landing field.. aka my life. This time I was indeed upset & slighly angry even, but I did not let it get the best of me like in past incidents. A few of these unexpected changes happened in sobriety even but I was not yet ready to handle them in a spiritual manner that practices acceptance & turning it over. I stuck around to eat dinner, normally I would walk out angry & punish myself with no dinner so I could be early to a meeting & vent. This time that did not happen thankfully, I even expressed my distaste for the situaiton to my mother, releasing some of it before I walked out the door. It's not an easy thing to decide who or what your going to be when a situation flags you down in life. I could have been the irate maniac, the calm & understanding type, or the worry wort.. minus or plus a countless other amount of stances I could have taken on the matter. Thankfully my higher power has allowed me to be in a spiritual place most of the week & I was ready for a let down.

Speaking of let downs, in the past I have let down many friends & loved ones who counted on me. When they as simple as needed someone to talk to, I could not take the time. Back then it was not a choice of if I wanted to be reachable or there for them, I had no choice while in addiction of what "To Be Or Not To Be". That was not a question. Subliminally my mind was already predecided on all issues regaurding my availability for others, unless it benefited me or I had enough chemicals to endure the visit it could not be considered. I had a starving addiction to feed & I could not stop it or myself, that is until the miracle happened in my life & my higher power blessed me with a genuine desire to stop, stay stopped, and learn how to move away form that sick & suffering lifestyle & toward the light of the spirit. A good case of now having conscious power over my decision of what "to be or not to be" is a situation that happened tonight. A good friend since childhood, one who I selfishly ignored many times when the insanity of my addiciton was ruling my life, he needed a friend. Someone to talk to & visit, another person who cared about him to hear what he was going through & the decisions he had made in his life. I won't go into specifics but this was a major change. I had already made plans to go out with another friend, in the past because he was brining nothing to the table that I or my addiction could benefit from I would have told him I was unable to meet with him. This time, spirituality took over in my decision making process & I believe I did the right thing.

I told him to come along & meet us where we were going for coffee. Indeed after hearing what he went through, the choices he had made, he needed a genuine friend. When I was getting sober, he emerged among the few other close friends as one who truly cared about me. When I was sick & detoxing, wanting my life to either get better or end, he was there to spend time with me. While I was in rehab, failing my first attempt to get better, he was keeping ties to my family & concerned. This is a friend, a friend given to me by my higher power. We didn't chose eachother, the choice was made for us at childhood and continues to be made by an outside force today. So the question of what "To Be Or Not To Be" tonight was clearly answered. The spirit said be a friend, support his decision if it has a good base & tell him what you feel. That's exactly what I did, his choices were the same I would have suggested had he came to me before he acted. I reassured him that he will have me in his life regaurdless of what happens next for him, regaurdless if I approve of the next girl he may decide to be interested in. See sometimes we just need To Be something for somebody. Other times we need Not To Be something in somebody's life. It's all up to our spiritual conditioning to decide what's right, what the next right thing is. Without sobriety in my life, I would still be spiritually bankrupt & I would not be the friend I try to be. I was invited out to visit with my good friend again tomorrow, regaurdless if I can be there or if I chose "To Be Or Not To Be".. I will be his friend, that is for sure. A friend is something I chose "To Be" for any who would have me. A supporter of things not of the spirit is something "Not To Be" for me. So When In Question, you don't always need the answer if you have spirituality in your life, you will just know "To Be Or Not To Be" whats asked of you. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Forgiveness - It's Forged My Freedom

July 21. Hey friends, supporters, readers & fellow bloggers. Well it is past midnight, I am officially beginning my march towards another day sober. One year has come & gone in sobriety & the difference in my existance & direction is staggering both spiritually & in countless other areas of my life. I have so many to thank, my higher power, the 12 Steps, all of my genuine friends & my family, a great sponsor & a support group of people who have stepped up to the plate & shown me what works to live a healthy & spiritual life. I am far from the goal, but I am farther from the start & the farther I go the closer I become. I feel I have finally arrived in my place in life, walking to a beat that is mine & my own, it is constant & steady through times of hardship & pain which are the pathway to peace. I have you all & many more to thank eternally for the gift of support in my sobering journey. My parents have been some of my strongest supporters, they have grown with me & we have begun to recover as a family through love, understanding & the steps working in my life. The most important part of the Steps in my life thusfar is the embracing of a real & personal higher power in my life, whom I often don't speak it's name in this blog but for thanks I will this one time. Thank You God! :) Please do not take offense or believe that I say that to lead you to believe in the higher power of my understanding, it is my own & what works for me, you WILL find your own if you wish to.

With so much to be grateful for, I did little of showing it today, I took a page out of my creator's book & decided to rest for a day after all I have done. It felt good to relax on a day of significance in my life, I spend the evening doing what has helped get & keep me on the sober & spiritual path, I went to a meeting. I got asked to chair the early recovery meeting again & what a better way to celebrate the gift I have recieved than to give it back in service work to others, so I gladly accepted. The meeting was centered around forgiveness, of self mostly but also of others. My message to the group was what I have come to understand & what has helped me to go on despite the monstrosity that was my life before getting sober. I had shared that my higher power was a forgiving one, that I know it understands that I was sick in active addiction & did awful things out of a warped & diseased necessity. It is the lack of doing those things today that shows I am indeed deserving of its forgiveness, I have adopted change into my life & am genuinely sorry for the wrongs I have yet to even right in some cases. My higher power has forgiven me long before I asked it to, when I changed my ways I was forgiven, when I asked it was a formality, and when I forgave myself it was a sealed deal. I believe that in all my heart & soul, my spirit is free because of it. Despite my needs as I go through the Steps to make ammends to those I have harmed, I am still forgiven by my higher power & myself. That means even if those who I offer ammends to later do not forgive me, I am still forgiven by who matters most, that is my higher power & myself. Afterall I must live with myself & my higher power today, and I also believe when I die, those who cannot forgive may not make it to where I will be one day, in life spiritually & after life as promised in my beliefs.

This isn't a matter of beliefs though, its a matter of what is right. It is right to forgive those who have changed, who have offered ammends, and who admit their wrongs. It is spiritual to then also admit any part we have had when they do offer us those ammends, if we had no part & were a pure victim start to finish, it is humble to just forgive & move on. It won't always go this way, not all are well spiritually & not all walk with the spirit in forgiveness. I can only be an example of this as I march toward another year sober. I can start by remembering to forgive myself for my mistakes so long as I have changed my ways, I can be an example to others even when they will not do things right. I can be convinced as I am, that spirituality is the defining difference between life & an awesome life. I can continue to share my message, that is the message of the miracle of sobriety, a higher power, spirituality, and what good people can do together if they so chose to. Thank you all again for a great year in my life, it has been the best year in my existance, may they only get better from here. May yours only get better from here & may I be a part of the greatness in your life if I may, to share in the joy of others is a joy in itself. Good night.. Good Morning.. Good Year!! <3 Jimmy