To Be Or Not To Be - When In Question

July 22. Happy Thursday to all of my friends. My wednesday was not too bad, I didn't feel good physically during the day & got some bad news towards the evening regaurding a financial source I am involved in. I can only attribute me not freaking out about the whole loss of these dollars in my budget because of what spiritual lessons have worked before in my life. I have broken down & acted out before because of financial burdens or impacts & it had gotten me no where. I must be learning that my higher power occasionally humbles me & reminds me of who is actually in control of the situation down here on the landing field.. aka my life. This time I was indeed upset & slighly angry even, but I did not let it get the best of me like in past incidents. A few of these unexpected changes happened in sobriety even but I was not yet ready to handle them in a spiritual manner that practices acceptance & turning it over. I stuck around to eat dinner, normally I would walk out angry & punish myself with no dinner so I could be early to a meeting & vent. This time that did not happen thankfully, I even expressed my distaste for the situaiton to my mother, releasing some of it before I walked out the door. It's not an easy thing to decide who or what your going to be when a situation flags you down in life. I could have been the irate maniac, the calm & understanding type, or the worry wort.. minus or plus a countless other amount of stances I could have taken on the matter. Thankfully my higher power has allowed me to be in a spiritual place most of the week & I was ready for a let down.

Speaking of let downs, in the past I have let down many friends & loved ones who counted on me. When they as simple as needed someone to talk to, I could not take the time. Back then it was not a choice of if I wanted to be reachable or there for them, I had no choice while in addiction of what "To Be Or Not To Be". That was not a question. Subliminally my mind was already predecided on all issues regaurding my availability for others, unless it benefited me or I had enough chemicals to endure the visit it could not be considered. I had a starving addiction to feed & I could not stop it or myself, that is until the miracle happened in my life & my higher power blessed me with a genuine desire to stop, stay stopped, and learn how to move away form that sick & suffering lifestyle & toward the light of the spirit. A good case of now having conscious power over my decision of what "to be or not to be" is a situation that happened tonight. A good friend since childhood, one who I selfishly ignored many times when the insanity of my addiciton was ruling my life, he needed a friend. Someone to talk to & visit, another person who cared about him to hear what he was going through & the decisions he had made in his life. I won't go into specifics but this was a major change. I had already made plans to go out with another friend, in the past because he was brining nothing to the table that I or my addiction could benefit from I would have told him I was unable to meet with him. This time, spirituality took over in my decision making process & I believe I did the right thing.

I told him to come along & meet us where we were going for coffee. Indeed after hearing what he went through, the choices he had made, he needed a genuine friend. When I was getting sober, he emerged among the few other close friends as one who truly cared about me. When I was sick & detoxing, wanting my life to either get better or end, he was there to spend time with me. While I was in rehab, failing my first attempt to get better, he was keeping ties to my family & concerned. This is a friend, a friend given to me by my higher power. We didn't chose eachother, the choice was made for us at childhood and continues to be made by an outside force today. So the question of what "To Be Or Not To Be" tonight was clearly answered. The spirit said be a friend, support his decision if it has a good base & tell him what you feel. That's exactly what I did, his choices were the same I would have suggested had he came to me before he acted. I reassured him that he will have me in his life regaurdless of what happens next for him, regaurdless if I approve of the next girl he may decide to be interested in. See sometimes we just need To Be something for somebody. Other times we need Not To Be something in somebody's life. It's all up to our spiritual conditioning to decide what's right, what the next right thing is. Without sobriety in my life, I would still be spiritually bankrupt & I would not be the friend I try to be. I was invited out to visit with my good friend again tomorrow, regaurdless if I can be there or if I chose "To Be Or Not To Be".. I will be his friend, that is for sure. A friend is something I chose "To Be" for any who would have me. A supporter of things not of the spirit is something "Not To Be" for me. So When In Question, you don't always need the answer if you have spirituality in your life, you will just know "To Be Or Not To Be" whats asked of you. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy