Pushed Back - Getting In Step W/ Spirituality

July 15. Hi friends & supporters, I hope you had the day you needed to instead of the day you wanted to. I know that my Thursday was busy beyond belief & although there are things I wanted different, like to see specific people & have more time at my usual pace, it was exactly what I needed it to be instead. The faster pace & number of appointments I had to be at made what could have been a horrible day caught in my head, a more bearable & survivable day. My alcoholism had less of a chance to attack my self esteem, my ego, my pride, or my emotions. My thoughts are always subject to the disease, but with spiritual tools & the right things in place we alcoholics are able to often combat this together. It was a day where my thoughts, brought on by signs I am probably seeing the totally wrong way, had become doubtful & diseased. It's funny how a few things that may not even be associated can affect the alcoholic's life & create a universal doubt for everything & anything, including our Higher Power. It's an overall feeling of a lack of trust, in ourselves & those around us, sometimes it is justified but often it is because of our damaged past & our lack of spirituality at that time in our life. We can become spiritually weak for just a day, a moment, or for an eternity, it is our choice. Luckily I was surrounded by good forces & my questioning of others & my higher power were battled by the places I had commitments to be today.

A visit to my doctor, who is a positive & motivational force in my recovery, was scheduled a month ago. Despite the progression of my worries throughout the morning, this was a definite visit in my agenda & the result was I was able to walk through the afternoon just shy of walking with the spirit, which is closer than I would have been without it. I might not have been spiritually "walking" at all had I not had that visit & seen other people in recovery there or heard the doctors positive reinforcements about my journey. Next I had to be at a counseling session, I was beginning to grow negative as I sat in the waiting room for almost a half hour past the time I was to be seen, which was time I was paying for & felt at the time I needed to talk about many things going on in my life. The visit ended up being very distracting from all the concerns & the gloom & doom in my head, again I was lifted slighty back up out of the slump that the long wait & an growing concerns about someone in my mind. Walking again just shy of that spiritual "step" that I needed to be in, my busy day had saved me from behing pushed too far behind where I should have been. Finally I had come home, ate & was off to my meeting. I was already tired but eager to go, I needed to confront my alcoholism & there is no better place to do so than among recovering alcoholics.

The meeting was about surrender, a speaker told his story then chose the topic. I spoke about my troubles of late, in placing trust in my higher power & others, that my life was heading in the right direction & that good things were at hand. The group went around & shared their experience & hope as well as their own struggles. I had finally gotten to where I felt the spirit back in step with me, no, I was back in step with the spirituality I needed. In feeling back on top of things, I sent a message to someone who I had questioned. I offered an appology for my doubts & explained that I was letting my disease take over my thinking, along with the fears & defects that accompany it until I have recovered further. I had hoped that with that appology I might had set my concerns straight, to shine light on the situation with them & we might see together that just realizing this & being able to offer an appology was spiritual progress in itself. I cannot control what others feel, believe, see, or do. I learn that more everyday, as I felt at one with myself for that moment in appology & doing whats right, I was pushed backwards again by a lack of compassion or understanding from the person I was having doubts about. To further a blow to my ego & my sincerity, they had expressed they were sorry they made things harder for me & needed a drink to get a good night's sleep following our conversation. One more push away from the spirit, not by them, but by my own alcoholic ego that says my appology & explination should make them feel better. I do not believe this person's desire to have a drink before bed by any means deems them alcoholic or to have a problem at all, but knowing that I may have added stress to their evening plays tricks on my alcoholic mind. To further my unhealthy thoughts, I had considered the fact that I want to experience more of this person in my life, yet for my own recovery do not surround myself with people who wish to drink around me. Had I been with them this particular night, I am not yet spiritually fit enough to say that I would not have had to leave them to their drink & myself to my own thoughts.

I am grateful today that I can see when I am not being spiritual, it is my only chance today of lasting recovery. It is my only opportunity to be sincerely sorrowful of poor judgement, action, or questioning of something in my life or someone else's. It is the times that I am at or do reach that spiritual level of existance that is right in life by myself, my higher power, & by others that I am able to know & gauge when I am not at that point & when I need to be aware & sensative of my actions or words towards others. Despite other's reactions, I cannot allow a spiritually depressed state to get worse when my acknowledgement or attempt to make ammends for such is not recoginized or appreciated by another. Allowing myself to be pushed back further spiritually in such a situation will only make my sobriety suffer & my relationship with them suffer as well. Today I am so grateful for awareness that I have never had in my active addiction, thanks to sobriety I am able to do what's necessary to get back on track. In this instance it is to turn it over to my higher power & to pray for the offended that they may learn understanding, love, and compassion for the still sick & suffering who not only wants to change but does everything in their power. It is one day at a time that I grow & my heart is large enough to love this whole world, if I only take the time to stay in step with the spirit. May the light of the spirit shine all over you, captivate the opportunities to use the spiritual tools in your life & if you don't yet have any, ask I will share as many of mine as I can. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy