Following Suggestions - Only For The Humble

July 01. It's the first of July, in a few weeks I will have accumulated a year of sobriety. I am not counting the days, because as I have learned I only have today, one day at a time. I do however know & honor my sobriety date, because it's important to celebrate, my first year for my own momentum & along with the rest to show others that this indeed does work. Spiritual principles & working on self has transformed my life from tragedy to truimph, if it were all over tomorrow it is a war won. I didn't feel well earlier today, my blood pressure felt high & a pulsing headache was prominent. Against my will to do so my father came home from work & insisted that I take some advil & an alieve to ease the tension. I gave in & it actually helped, my stubborness is a huge sign of my alcoholism still in my life today, because for a few hours I suffered because I thought that my way of "duking it out" was the better course of action. When in fact the headache medicine relieved the pain instantly & I was fine. When we think we know whats best for us, sometimes we need to think again. I ate dinner while the medicine kicked in & shortly after changed for my meeting. Out the door & a few minutes early it turned out to be a great meeting, a great speaker, and a great topic. Afterwards I talked with friends & I have some comparisons in my life I'd like to talk about tonight.

A woman had been given a chance to seek a sober & sound lifestyle as a substitue punishment of imprisonment. She had to attend 12 Step meetings, secure a sponsor, and uphold other stipulations put forth by the court. All of this is something I am familiar with. I faced this same consequence once before, and I defaulted, ending up in handcuffs & back in front of the judge for a new sentence. I did not want it bad enough to overcome the obstacles that sobriety had placed in front of me. The challenges for this woman were certainly the equivalent of a steep hill climb, no walk in the park. But I have found this time in my journey, having wanted sober & spiritiual life to be my way of life, that there was no obstacle too large for me to overcome. To keep it simple, the woman is in jail because she had not complied. Just as I had to see a new punishment for my not wanting sobriety years ago, she too is seeing the same harsh judgement of the law. It is difficult to see this happen to another person, I know that deep within I wanted to do right back then, but I had not suffered enough, nor seen enough pain to finally surrender my will over to those that would help me & to a higher power that knows & directs me to the next right thing.

I remember back then, before finding the light of the spirit, making all the wrong choices that would normally be simple.. do this & you won't have to do that. When "that" was prison & more costs/consequences the choice would be clear right? Wrong. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, & powerful. We can look at any consequence & even death itself & rationalize the reason or desire to take one more drink or dose before accepting our fate. Sometimes we don't even chose to use, we are in a sense dry or just clean from chemicals, but we are not sober because we are not doing the next right thing or the suggested things we are to do to get well. The judges in these drug & alcohol courts often sentence stipulations in a non-jail offer to put a person in the motions that would get them well if their heartfelt desire was there as well. The problem is sometimes a person can go through motions & not have the desire to be sober. The forced hand just makes them do it to stay out of jail. Its only a matter of time before someone without the spiritual drive starts cutting corners, taking short cuts, and cutting parts of the program out that they cannot themselves control or feel comfortable in.

It's not meant to be comfortable, at first that is. Because it's nothing like our old toxic ways were, we often want to refuse guidance, reject chancges, or reinstate our old ways. I have to say, that despite the way I felt back then, in handcuffs & embarassed at my job, I was not ready to do what was asked of me, which was help myself by getting sober. I could not even stay dry or clean, but did for a short time to attempt going through the court ordered motions. The reality was that I needed to be punished, to hurt & suffer, struggle & lose, I had to do it all not once but several more times before I was actually ready to change & be the man I always should, could, and will be if I continue to do this program the right way, which is NOT MY WAY. I feel ever sad that in a dry attempt to comply this woman was not able to do what was required of her to maintain her freedom, children & family are left behind as she lays in a prison cell. The only mercy that I can see is that she will not have to detox on the cold concrete floor, that she may find her higher power in that lonely & clear minded environment. Jail & punishments often make us angry, spiteful, and we come out ever the more ready to wreak havok in our lives & those around us. On the rare miracle though, it is the final bottom that one hits & they come out ready to embrace everything that they refused just before getting there. I pray for this woman, like so many prayed for me, and like so many others need prayer. May she find the life that she is missing, that this mislabeled "jerk" of a judge wants her to find, and may her family & all around her benefit from the spiritual growth should it happen. We can only work on ourselves, be an example of what the 12 Steps or spiritual growth can do for a person's life. And we CAN share our strength experience & hope, even to those who are not yet ready to embark on their own spiritual journey. Thanks for blogging in.. Have a great July! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy