Dealing W/ Pain & Hurt - A Solution

July 31. Hello friends, its midnight Saturday morning & I just endured a not so wonderful friday. It actually ended much better than I had hoped & because of this I am optimistic that the tools I am using in recovery are indeed working more than ever in my life, spirituality is taking prescidence over my alcoholism in a rare occurance. I started this morning on a good note, chatting w/ a friend & setting up a later in the day rendezvous. I laid down for a while, then got a message from the same friend telling me to disregaurd anything I hear from anyone else about them that someone was being an "ass" as they put it. It turned out there was reason for them to not want me to hear what was said, because it happened to all be true, that they in fact were walking all over me like a "Door Mat" inside the front door of my house. All of the things I were told fit exactly into place, the violations of trust, the lies, the cover ups, and all of the areas I had been taken complete advantage of. This blow comes from someone who has hurt me before, but I had given a fair shake to because my alcoholism did exactly qualify me to say I had done better in my past. I was completely crushed that I had trusted this friend with so much of myself, had sacrificed many times & dollars to help them, and invested myself to them as far to say they were "a privledged friend" & could indeed hurt me if they chose to do so with my trust in them.

I made it clear to this person that our friendship was over, that I would not allow myself to ever be vulnerable to them again. I even said some not so nice things, all which applied to this person due to their actions, that I would not normally say to a person if I was not upset. At this point I realized that not only has this person hurt me, my ego, my trust & my security, but they also were getting the best of me. I was stepping outside the spiritual boundries of the person I am & wish to stay today, and backwards towards my quick acting & selfish alcoholism. Although I said nothing untrue, the words I chose to define my feelings about them & their actions could have been softer, easier, less venemous. I let myself be the snake for a few seconds that I work every day in sobriety not to be. Shortly after the unfolding of this "approach" by telephone to this now ex-friend, it was time to go to dinner with my parents for our usual friday ritual. I carried some of my bitterness with me, unfortunately two of the people who love me the most had to see something eating at their son. My willingness to talk about it took some of that away, by the end of dinner I had gained the mind enough that I should go early to the meeting tonight & help setup. Helping others was a way that I was taught to get outside my own problems, outside my own head, and inside a solution that felt better without using a drug or drinking. My old alcoholic mind would have taken me out to a dealer or a bar to try & cope with this huge social failure in my life I was stressing over.

Maybe I am underplaying it a little bit, this person really had me in a spot to hurt me, they have been an active part of my life on & off for almost 10 years. Five of those years we were almost inseperable. They were not alcoholic, just sick enough to stay along for my ride evidently as I went through phases in my life. So as damaged as I was, talking about it to my parents gave some of that power over me away. It has less grip on me & I got to the meeting early. I set up the meeting & started to make the coffee & the chairman arrived. We got talking about other things & about his life, before I knew it I was distracted from my own woes & rejoicing in his good news. More people showed up & one of my closest friends in my sobriety right now showed up, needing some help with a situation that I could actually be of use to her. I talked with their sponsor & them, we came to a solution that gave me the ability to offer some serious help to them. That opportunity to help someone in GREAT NEED, lifted me out of my own depths and I was once again feeling the spirit around me. I cannot explain the magic of it or how it works, it just does, I have experienced it before & again tonight. Any who doubt, I say this, Try It & See For Yourself. You can in fact turn yourself around, or perhaps it is my higher power that does it, in any case, it can happen by helping someone else in need. My selfish worries & my failing friendship became so minute that I was overwhelmed with happiness found in the service of others.

This is not a joke, I do not support illusions or false solutions, nor do I support a temporary band-aid that helps for the moment like drugs or alcohol did in my past.. This is the real thing & it works. I went through the meeting in a good spiritual place, surrounded by friends, some I helped, some helped me. The circle goes around, selflessly we attend to eachother's needs spritiually. That is the way of the 12 Step fellowships & the way of each of our higher powers. Its what has worked for alcoholics & addicts for 75 years successfully to date, since the creation of the 12 Steps. There is no better solution than the ones found in a 12 Step recovery program. Anyone can adopt the spiritual principles found there into their life with or without an addiciton & benefit. I have.. GREATLY. Tonight is yet another proof in my days of sobriety that this works, if I work it & others work it together with me. Two people showed up at a meeting in despair, and through helping eachother a group & individuals together made things better if not fixed completely for some. I know that although my hurt & pain from the incident today may exist some tomorrow it will be less, and each day I use the tools I have it will grow lesser. This has given me the ability, be I a "Door Mat" or not, to brush the dirt off myself. Not only that, but I am learning how to prevent being walked on again by this person & to let go of the pain they have caused. It would be hard to walk all over a door mat if the door in front of it is locked & closed, that being said I must not keep it closed to the next person that walks up but allow them access to my life. I have been told I will learn how to do this by friends & my sponsor, I look forward to it. I also look forward to the next time someone walks through the front door of my life & takes their shoes off, considerate & loyal to the concept of being my friend. Here's to the lessons & life walking with the Spirit. Thank You for Listening to me tonight. Your ears, eyes & mouth are a part of my recovery. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy