Running Through Life V.S. Walking W/ Spirit

July 02. It's almost the 4th of July & the holiday weekend is here. I will be celebrating sober & trying to grow a spiritual connection between my independance from drugs & alcohol to the freedom & independance that so many soldier's & sacrifices in my home nation. I remember a moment of clarity some years ago when the movie Independance Day came out, through my drug induced coma that decade I felt an attachment to the special day, one that grows in my sobriety in standing for all who celebrate an independance from something in their lives. I cannot complain about my friday, another day sober & walking with spirit. I got to have dinner out with my parents & attend my home group for a great discussion meeting on the 7th Tradition for our fellowship. I cannot be more grateful to have my family back in my life & great friends in the fellowship, they have all helped me build the solid foundation for which my independance from drugs & alcohol rests, like a tower climbing to the skies but always under construction & reacher higher still as time & trials pass through my life.

There was a time that with or without a drug I "Ran Through Life", not stopping to appreciate or acknowledge much around me. There were not long thoughts nor deep contemplations, feelings were as passing as the seasons & I could not gaurantee I felt the same about something the next coming month. Everything moved so fast & time flew by. My niece went from a new born to a tall standing 10 year old, then 11, for some time I didn't know her age. One job & opportunity lead into the next as I recklessly abandoned each, not even realizing at one point I had been at the same job for a few years, struggling to be something but not slowing down to see what was available in my path. One relationship with a drug dealer to the next, surfing through prospects & hoping that the next connection was not an FBI or DEA agent. Take away the fuzz, buzz, and distration of drugs & alcohol it was all still too fast. I WAS RUNNING. Running scared, rushed, paniced, in & out of love, always unsure but convinced of one thing.. that if I kept moving I would find what I was looking for. It never came though, I never found that thing.. that is until I stopped running.

I didn't have a revelation at first, no bright flash of light or burning bushes, I ran straight into a brick wall that was the Dickson City Police Department. All of a sudden my full throttle lead foot was bound & shackled to the still frame of a steel prison cell. That, I believe, was my higher power putting the brakes on my life. Without that chance I may have ran til I died, no I'm certain I would have. I was near death too many times for it not to be a certainty withing time. Bound to be another statistic I didn't stop upon the release from the handcuffs & shackles, I started to move again. Most would take a slow walk upon release from captivity, take things in & search for a direction to move in, but some of us are sicker than others. I did not walk just yet, I took a brisk jog. Not knowing how to walk through life, how to take it in, or even process it as I go.. I was already moving from that collision with a brick wall back onto the full speed scene. I had some obstacles to overcome, a phsyical dependancy, a mental obsession, a spiritual bankruptcy all that equated to a hole in my chest. Without it full I dared not try to live & nobody at this moment was offering me ways to fill it, I had not found the fellowship nor the other forms of help I needed to feel whole & heavy enough to slow down.

During that brief period of "Jogging" instead of "Running through Life" full steam, I got to hear some things, catch more than a glimspe, moving a little slower some things came into mind & focus that I would have blazed past in my full speed life before. I heard hope, help, strength, & that I would not walk alone should I chose to. I so needed to walk, before my body gave way & I instead fell to death. I had finally had enough, after 14 years & a near ignorant restarting of my own way of doing things. There was too much life going on around me that I saw during that slower pace, so much living that I had finally seen & wanted to do that I developed a desire to do anything.. ANYTHING to get & stay sober. The road ahead was more of a crawl than a walk. It seemed like in days I only moved an inch or two, but I was farther away from the horrors of my past & the slow pace was a glimpse of the future. If I could make it through one day crawling, I could live the rest of my days walking. A few moments where it seemed like I could crawl through life no more, detoxing & lost to the world around me, filling with emotions & regrets, I prayed to my higher power. As it put the brick wall in front of me, again it answered my call when there was nothing but a will to change left in me.

Worn out & inspired by a few miracles, some in disguise, I found friends in the 12 Step fellowship, in my family, in a doctor/counselor, and countless others to help me off my feet & walk the road of life with me. For the first time I could take things in, though I did not yet know what to do with them, they began to fill me up. I looked back some months later, just about the time I started writing this blog & realized that I was no longer walking through life alone.. I was in fact "Walking With Spirit". With spirituality & direction, I could decide to take this new path & run it out to its end, but I'd rather not. I'm tired of running, the great things that have come so far have come slow & some have been there all along I had only to learn to understand them. So what's the rush? I don't want to miss another thing, so today I walk. We can all walk the spiritual path together if we chose to, starting with helping another to get there we never have to be alone.. in spirit & life. I am inspired to continue my spiritual program every day by those who's own walk have yeilded lasting serenity & peace in their life, as well as the growing feeling of sureness in my heart that my higher power provides me with as I take each step. Thank You for walking with me, and for reading my heart & soul that I pour into this daily project. Good Night.. Good Morning.. Happy Holiday Weekend.. <3 Jimmy