Expectations - Holding Ourselves Down

November 23. Hello everyone, I hope your Tuesday went great. Mine did not go anywhere near to how I had planned it, but after going to a great meeting tonight & realizing some things my disease wants me to forget I am doing Alright! Last night I had developed a terrible migraine headache & I couldn't pinpoint what was causing it. On the way to my monday meeting I started to get dizzy & things got worse, I made the decision to put my well being before the meeting & that is something I rarely do on mondays. We turned around to go back home & when I got there I laid still for a few hours while my headache subsided. Thankfully it went away & I feel a thousand times better today. This morning I had planned on getting a few projects done I had to, thankfully I got them done tonight instead so tomorrow can be smooth. I didn't want to put them off but in recovering from the headache I had monday night I lost a great deal of sleep & needed to catch up some. The end result everything is fine though, I accepted that I didn't get it done early & w/ the help of my dad I got it done anyway before the day ended. Some other things did not go as planned though, this event was something I was looking forward to & it was much more difficult for me to remember how to deal with it sober & spiritually. It wasn't until I went to listen to a great group & topic tonight that I finally came to peace with what happened. So I thought tonight's topic could be about "Expectations" and how that can hurt my recovery.

My recent lack of spirituality came today in the form of expectations. Monday night I had confirmed plans to see a new friend tuesday evening after they got out of work. I also had plans to disassemble parts from a sewing table that I didn't need in order to make it a jewelry display for my new store. I got a call mid-day, when it came I was trying to get motivated for the day because I lost sleeping time from my headache. The call was to cancel the plans for this evening, those plans I had really hoped would go through. Instead of practicing acceptance & maybe realizing that things could have fallen through for a reason, I let the Expectations I had bring me down. So down in fact that I didn't get done what I had set out to do. Thankfully I didn't take a drink over the change of plans, that of course being the worst mistake possible, but I didn't call someone else or talk to anybody about it. In fact I just left it as a voicemail that dissapointed me & didn't talk to anybody about it the whole day. By the time supper was getting prepared I figured I better start doing something with myself or I was going to sink into a slump for the second consecutive day, the first caused by my headache. You can see how quickly this disease of alcoholism can creep back into our lives & cause us chaos. Only one day behind my normal recovery routine & I was falling victim to myself & selfish thinking.

I got a hot shower to relax my sore muscles & try to start my day over, I had to get past the resentments I had towards myself & my friend by placing expectations on top of simple plans. Because those plans did not go through, I was letting it get the worst of me. There have been times where I was able to say "Okay I better get onto something else, No big deal this just didn't work out". This wasn't one of those times unfortunately. I had dinner & shortly after dad showed up. I went to my usual meeting early, I had some things I needed to get out & I knew there would be somebody to talk to. Sure enough there was, the helpful arm of the fellowship was just within reach, I was the only thing keeping myself from reaching sooner. I realize now that I could have squashed this unsettling within me had I just made a phone call to someone during the day. Getting it out was half of the battle, realizing that I can only accept the situation for what it is & address myself was the other part. Nothing I can say or do can change the fact that my friend had other things taking up their time & that I was not the priority anymore. I wasn't the center of their attention, my selfishness ended when I realized that was the inner driving force behind my resentment. The meeting started shortly after a talk with some friends & the topic was even more restoring of my faith in the 12 Steps & learning to live them. Acceptance of things is one of the hardest skills to develop & we start each day as an alcoholic in recovery with a handicap. That handicap we overcome through the help of a Higher Power & the program, the more we put into both the easier our acceptance comes to us. So thankfully tonight I have overcome the power of Resentment & Expectations that my disease for decades held over my head. I did so with the help of friends, fellowship, my Higher Power, and talking to another Alcoholic/Addict who has been there before. It is through the experiences of others being successful at recovery that I am able to hope for my own. Thanks for Blogging In. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy