Purpose - Filling Up Spiritually

November 16. I had a pretty good Tuesday & I hope all of you did as well. Looking back at my long career of self destructive alcoholism I can say today that any day sober even the not so good ones are/is better than my best day drunk & high. There certainly were good times in between my rise & fall in addiction, but in reality none of them could ever compare to way I feel each day sober. That feeling is one of belonging finally in my own skin, to exist as I am & to grow rather than shrink as both a human & spiritual being. Before Sobriety all I could do on a daily basis was try to reduce the amount of life that I actually lived, felt, and took part in. It was that ultimate feeling at the end of each day that passed, the one that said I was not one with the universe & that I did not belong being me, that feeling was the cause for me to seek comforts that existed outside of my body. Drugs & alcohol were a way to take an external feeling, through ingesting, I could make them become internal. But there of course were consequeces to this unnatural stimulation of my existance. Those negative affects are too large to list, in essence my entire life was lived unexperiencing everything necessary to survive. A few major things I noticed are worth mention though. Not being able to feel natural feelings, not recognizing them. Mistaking fears for anger, resentments for betrayals, and wanting to not feel all together. Chasing that greater feeling of "high" was all a part of it too. Because the happiest moments to date before getting sober consisted of experimentation of hard drugs & alcohol, it took harder drugs & more drinks to achieve that desired affect. Each session taking me closer to the doorway of death. You can see how quickly this spiral goes downward. This is the reality for an alcoholic, but the thing is a normal person can see this pattern & get themselves out of it, an alcholic cannot. This is our mere existance unless we somehow experience the miracle of spiritual awakening.

My awakening came in the form of pain, suffering, self-hatred, and a thousand other forms of fears & suffering. There was no where else to go, I was at my bottom. Others have reached bottoms below mine, and others have hit theirs higher from my depths. I am not to say that I could not eaisly return, to go lower, or to completely self destruct if I were to return to that lifestyle, but I do know that I have no desire to go any lower on that scale today. I was a scammer, a bum, a bad son & brother, a menace to society, and a polution factory for those around me. As a child I do not remember being any of these things, I remember feeling out in left field & out of place, but these sinister parts that developed were not yet there. Funny that I felt out in left field, because thats exactly where I played on the team in baseball. Coincidences aside, because there is no such thing, everything does happen for a reason. I can recall not feeling whole for almost two decades of my life, and even in early sobriety there were gaping holes in my spiritual life that made me feel like a wind sock, air blowing through me. It has been through the constant love of my family, the encouraging words of a fellowship, and the guiding path of my higher power & the 12 Steps that were created in the wake of all it's goodness, these things have made the healing of these open holes in my life possible. I am still riddled with these holes today, but some have closed a bit. The salts of living daily life do not sting as they once did & I do not find it necessary to numb myself today. I feel steady on my own two feet, honored to be alive in this world, and in alignment with the universe as it interacts around me. I can say this spiritual awakening was nothing short of a miracle, I prayed for it to happen before I even knew what I was praying for. The series of events, people, and things that helped make my psychic & lifestyle changes possible were nothing short of divinely orchestrated. What divine power stepped in I will leave up to others for their own interpretation. When we go through an average day, lets all try to remember what we have been put on this planet for. Oh wait, we don't exactly know what we were put here for. And in sobriety that has become half the fun of living today, each day I maintain my spiritual condition becoming another opportunity to belong to this world & serve a purpose. We are what we feel we are, and today I can feel. Real & valid feelings that come from the energy of this world around me. Some people say why try, when life is so difficult.. Today I say why not try harder. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy