Don't Be So Hard On Yourself - Self Forgiveness

June 15. I am officially off to a good week, monday was good, but today was a great big FAT TUESDAY in my life. I experienced so much by doing so little, but what I did do was & felt right. I spent the morning talking to my sisters online, I hadn't slept the course of the night because I am off on my sleeping pattern again. That is something I can work around though thankfully my higher power has me in a position to be flexible at the current time in my life. With so much activity in my life during the evenings its hard to wind down until very late anyway. So I engaged in some good solid conversation with both of my sisters via the internet. It seems my attempts to be a more active part of their life is working & we are all benefiting from eachother's insight. I later got some sleep then a shower & dinner with mom & dad, because dad got home early for a change. I was on my way to get coffee & go to the normal Tuesday night meeting I attend when I got a txt message from a sober friend. "Your chairing the beginners meeting with Kathy tonight". Well I didn't mind, but it proved to be all for a reason, as everything happens for a reason afterall.

The meeting was a strong one, the topic was emotional & had moments of despair in the voices of the young people sharing. A girl was beating herself up over her reckless abandon during her addiction while her mother lay dying in the hospital. In tears & lost she concluded & I shared some things my sponsor had taught me to help. After a group of others helped get out bottled up guilt & regret, everyone felt better at the end of the meeting thanks to the wise & helpful words of many. Those who were sad of loss, including myself, were smiling & socializing instead of running to their cars to pout in self hate & pity. The program was working its miracles in front of us all & some of us didn't even realize it. There is something I wanted to share as sort of a topic tonight, it is exactly what I shared with that girl who was filled with self dislike for her actions during her mother's death.

"Don't Be So Hard On Yourself", I said. My sponsor is always relaying that message to me & helping me apply it to my life at the times I need it most. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack. There is an explination for the mistakes & shortcomings we have committed in the past. That is the fact that we are alcoholics & were much more spiritually sick during the time those acts were committed than we are now in all of our pain & regret. We are feeling this hurt & placing this blame on ourselves because we are getting better spiritually, mentally, and physically. We are opening up to the reality of the impact of our disease when we allow it to be active in our lives. All of this is enough to crush a person, more still, make the sometimes return to the drugs or drink. The pain is all but bearable until finally, someone reminds us "Don't Be So Hard On Yourself, Don't Beat Yourself Up." What WAS done is a result of your alcoholism being untreated & was caused by your disease running your life. What IS done today is not the same, the person we can be today does or would not do those things & if we would.. then we are not getting well.

That same explination for why some of the most heartless & bad behaviors we exhibited during our active addicitons, also has another purpose than being an explination. Many would assume that because that they are alcoholic & made alcoholic mistakes in the past, that it is a pass for them to continue to do so. It IS NOT though. The acceptance of one's disease & assuming the responsibility of a sober & spiritual path immediately turns the actions of alcoholism from an excuse to a mere explination. We are finally accountable for ourselves at this point. At the point we feel this pain & realize the impact of our alcoholic & addicted ways, we must cease to romance them or participate in them. Talking about it helps. I want to urge anyone who has suffered a spiritual disease or spiritual bankruptcy in their life to "Give Yourself A Break!". You were sick, very sick. So ill that you did yourself & others harm that you love without conscience or sometimes even thought. Out of pure survival & instict mistakes were made that can never be undone, but can be assuredly never committed again so long as we stay on our spiritual path. Please, don't be so hard on yourself. You will be forgiven by your higher power, so forgive yourself. GIVE IT TIME. And feel your feelings until they change through practicing these principles. You know now what difference you can make today, do not hold yourself in a prison of guilt for the past that you had no control of. The disease was in control & you can make sure it is never in that position of power over you again, through the 12 steps & involvement in the solution. I pray for all who suffer still, those sober & not yet, there IS A SOLUTION. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy