The Motivation Within Wins

June 25. Hey friends, it's past midnight & officially friday early morning. Thursday was a good day. I didn't sleep well cuz of a new allergy I discovered, being sober the first time in June on my parents land in 14 years just about. It may have been there all along & its not terrible, but I noticed it & was making me stuffy. I figure with all the good changes in my life, a physical allergy change is very possible for the negative. So in a very tired state Mom & I started our day by taking my car to the mechanic for inspection. We left it for the day & stopped so I could buy her breakfast. After that we went home & a while later I was asleep. We got the call the car was done in the early evening & had to go pick it up before closing, thankfully no problems or fixes needed. After which Dad called on our way home & told us to turn around so we could all meet for dinner. A nice italian spot later & a full belly I headed home to get ready for my 8pm meeting. It was a celebration meeting for a great guy accomplishing his first year sober. Its great to be there & supportive, it also got me thinking about my celebration coming up next month. Two speakers shared a great message then afterwards we had the group business meeting & adjourned. I went out for coffee & to throw around thoughts afterwards.

Sitting there thinking, I had thought about what a person's motivation is for getting sober. We all have our individual driving moments & feelings, but when it gets down to the skin & bone what makes up that willingness to change after for so long we suffered unable to do so. Hearing people share about this in the past, I realize even this is different for some people. Because of that I never compare myself to anyone, but try to identify parts of myself in their journey instead. So many people come to the 12 Step rooms because of their kids, judges, relationships, parents, and other motivations outside themselves. These people more often then not do not make it, at least not their first time through. I was even one of these types a few years ago when attending a few short lived meetings by order of an agency in my home county. The desperation, low bottom, and sickness that drives me to be a sober success today was not there back then. It also is missing from those people who are in the fellowships because of outside motivation. "The Motivation Must Come From Within Ourselves", this I have realized to be a sometimes grim reality.

How I got that motivation is a story for the history books or maybe someday an autobiography. The details sum up to be a totaling force of depression, pain, lack of a spiritual life, and physical & mental sickness. There is more than that which comprises my bottom, but you can get the general idea. For some, having their kids taken away from them, being transferred from jail to a rehab, or pressured by a wife or husband is not what it takes to develop that inner willingness to change one's self. We can try & try, sometimes gather short days, weeks, months or years in dry time. We can learn alot during these times also, seeds planted for if we ever develop the desire ourselves to adopt this lifestyle for ourselves. But the seeds are not watered by our spirit, they are left with nothing in which to grow upon. We go through the motions, attending meetings, celebrations, even sometimes taking a few suggestions or commitments. At the end of it though the reality that we did none of this for ourselves, but all for another sinks in.

It is once we get comfortable again, when things are going well that so many fall back to the depths of alcoholism & addiction. Because everything is alright, or so it seems on the surface & in action, everyone is convinced around us that we are healing or healed, when truly in spirit we have done nothing because none of it meant anything to ourselves. At some point we think of, obsess, or are tricked by our spiritual sickness into taking a stab at the old bottle or drug. Maybe because of how we feel, because things are going to well & we arent used to it, or because despite our efforts for everyone & everything else all the time & attention we put into getting dry ends up failing us. The people leave, the children grow up, the sentence ends, or the wife/husband leaves after realizing we still arent well. We are back to our old ways & our old friend alcoholism. This happens to almost every alcoholic that does not at some point understand & adopt the message that "WE MUST DO THIS FOR OURSELVES" & that "The World Around Us Benefits From Our Sobriety Anyway".

When we do it for ourselves instead of for a motivation outside ourselves we can permanently recover. Not be cured, there is no cure for alcoholism, but there is a daily reprieve of its grip on our lives contingent on our spiritual condition & maintenence. We cannot be spiritual unless we are doing this for our own internally driven desires that contain no tangible benefits other than being a better person for our world, our higher power, & ourselves. That includes all things & persons attached to us, but starting & ending with us at all times. So when you hear the of the parent getting sober for their kids, the spouse getting sober for their love, the teenager getting sober to stay out of jail, and all of these other outside forces at work.. the urgency is clear. We must do it for ourselves or we lost it & all we did it for. We must want what sober alcoholics have, not what we've already lost or face loosing. What they have is Serenity, Peace, Love, Understanding, Honesty, Integrity, A Clean Slate, & A Higher Power in their lives. So What Drives You? Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy