Vision, Direction, Dedication - Whatever It Takes

June 25. Hey friends, hope your Friday was fun & spiritual. Its almost mindnight & I'll be working the weekend away at my shop, which is just fine by me. Today was pretty good, I had taken some friends for breakfast then came home because I was up way too long. I got some much needed sleep before my long weekend & woke up for dinner w/ mom & dad at home this time because we went out last night instead. I had a commitment again to chair my home group meeting & we had a business meeting afterwards. After a great topic of denial & some good topics in the business meeting we adjourned & I cleaned up, a total of a 3 & 1/2 hour commitment for me by the end. Thats 3 plus hours I didn't have to think about myself or my alcoholism selfishly so I can say that it was just fine that it took so much time up. I thought it would be a good idea to take the time to talk about something I am struggling with as a topic. Well, I struggle with it sometimes but it seems like people around me, that affect me, are struggling with this also & I should probably share it.

So often in my life I lacked the ability to decide what I wanted. Not only that, but even if I had the slightest clue as to what I did want, I had difficulty identifying how to make it happen or what lengths I would go to get it in my life. I could start down an avenue I wanted to walk in my life & then abandon it for my addiction or sometimes out of fear or the lack of spirituality in my life to drive me. As I grow in Sobriety my spirituality also grows with me & I am becoming slowly better & better at being able to picture what I want in my life. I am also getting better at being able to identify how to make it happen or who can show me what to do to get the results or on the path I seek. It is becoming more aware the lengths I have to go to accomplish & keep certain things in my life, I am slowly becoming more capable & willing to stay the course even when a nearby victory is not in sight. The concept of going to any lengths to accomplish, achieve, and attain is becoming clearer as I become more spirtiual. By any lengths, I mean any that are moral & in spiritual line with my beliefs & what I am learning.. immoral demands or actions to accomplish things are not in my or other's best interests today, but for example staying the course as long as it takes is.

I am dealing with a few people in my life saying they want certain things, yet they question the effort or means by which they must attain them. A specific uneasy case is someone close questioning the "why's" & the lengths they must go to get what they want, when what they want is contingent on somebody else seeing their efforts & dedication. We all get our dreams broken apart sometimes & realize that one of our goals or desires is not within our means of accomplishment, but in my previous example the conditions are well within this person's reach & capacity. Getting sober was no simple decision for me, I had to truly want it more than I wanted to not feel my pain that I numbed with drugs & alcohol. Prior to achieving it, before it was accomplish & a part of my life, I had to be willing to go through any & all lengths to get it. The goal was a just & fit one, no immoral actions or itentions were associated with my sobriety. I have never had to question my beliefs in order to get on or stay on this spiritual path, I do sometimes question my abilities & strengths. For those struggles I go back to the desire, I remind myself how much I want to keep it (or get it) and I take that to my higher power to pray for strength. I take it to my support group & sponsor to help me with their experience. I take it to strangers to be proud of my choice & my direction. I remind myself every way possible how sure I am of what I want.

In the end, I must personally learn that other's are not & will not necessarily always be in or reach the spiritually motivated state I am in at any given time. Their lack of spiritual drive is a part of them & if I chose to be a friend to them I must deal with this set back & accept it. I cannot change others, I can only change myself with the help of my higher power. It is such a difficult task to be a part of someone else's path, when they continually tell you that is where they want you, yet they do not support their words with action & ability. I can relate to being in a spot before sobriety where I looked at things I genuinely wanted in my life, yet lacked the ability to get them. I can only hope that one day they will find the spiritual drive I have found in my particular journey & that I continue to find the same kind of relentless & willing attitude towards other things I want in the future. For all who are still trying to find their way, including myself.. There is HOPE. I cannot let other's shortcomings bring me down, although I have, I must get back up & shake it off because that is one of the lengths I must go to in order to maintain my sobriety. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy