April 06. Hey friends. What a rotten start to my week, I am ever grateful to my family & support group in the 12 step rooms for helping me through. I hope all of you have had a great day in spite of mine. To keep it simple I started the morning out to discover the actions of betrayal by someone close to my heart for many years. The underlying problem isn't so important as me getting ahold of & actually working a solution to cope with it.
I had to end a long time close bond with someone because of their deception and lack of consideration to emotional side effects caused by their actions. This happened around 8AM, my day & spirituality were both devastated to a near collapse. I can recall being near tears & nervously shaking from the tone of the conversation & the fact they didn't care if I was hurt by their choices.
In the end after the day spent in a muddy state of mind, I had to go on. My mom made me dinner, well aware of the situation & my condition. She knew I needed fuel to keep going & get to a meeting. I got to talk to some friends in recovery & even resorted to breaking parts of the problem to my sponsor. It was not easy to talk about. Anger, sadness, outrage, pride, fear, ego.. all these things were broken & leaking out of me.
As the end of the night approached I was reminded of my lack of power over others and their choices. Moreso it was relayed to me this, "No matter how much we change or how much right doing we do... Others, even the ones we love, can do wrong & let us down." Sound advice to remember when in heartache. Another bit of the solution was something I have spoken on before, the placement of expectation. When we place expectations on a person or situation we are opening up a door for dissapointment & resentment.
These suggestions and principles being true I am trying to drag myself through this. I must heal spiritually before I can continue to grow, but determined as ever I will march wounded toward the happiness promised in the 9th step. Acceptance & rational evaluation of what I have truly lost, if anything at all must be done so I can move past this spiritual damage. Thanks for listening to my emotional disaster.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
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