Thursday, April 29, 2010

A Spiritual Awakening - What Drives Us To Change

April 29. Another great day my friends & I hope all you had a good one as well. I wasn't initially looking forward to today because I had alot of work to get done as well as a busy night ahead. By doing what's suggested & turning it over to my higher power I was able to accept today for "everything it's supposed to be at that given time". I started my morning out by picking up a friend & heading back to my house. After loading 2 cars with merchandise & my mom helping out we headed up to my business spot to unload all the new stuff & change the floor plan. Not only did we accomplish an immense amount of work, it was a great bonding time & a day to appreciate friend being in service of friend.

By 3 o'clock we had finished & had to be out of the marketplace so they could close the doors til tomorrow. I took my friend home & went to my house to relax before venturing out again for the evening. I ended up doing research instead of getting rest, which will make for better sleep tonight I hope anyway. Again "as it should be". In the later evening I headed out to a celebration meeting for a good friend in the 12 step program I belong to. There was a family member speaker sharing a message from their perspective & also an alcoholic speaker, both passing phenominal messages across to the rather large crowd. They both kept it as real as it gets when it comes to talking about the lethal disease & how it truly affects those afflicted & the world around them. The meeting wrapped up, I talked with friends & my sponsor then offered my services to clean up a bit in the kitchen.

After the meeting I met up with a great friend sober well over a decade, chatting as the final others left the parking lot. We talked so long & deep on some things that I really got out a good amount of alcoholic troubles that might otherwise have stayed trapped up unvented. He as well got to share much strength & experience with me in return & we talked of past mistakes in reflection. To learn from those mistakes today & correct the defects within us that caused them is a big part of our spiritual growth in Sobriety. An equally large part of it that I have not yet reached the step to commit to is ammendments. They are when you make right what wrongs you may have commited in your active addiction or even in Sobriety if things pop up. They truly are the sign of spiritual growth, because making ammends voluntarily is completely possible because of the spiritual awakening we have. It's the same spiritual awakening that we hit on the return from our bottom in addiciton/alcoholism, the one that helps us realize we are powerless & that we needed the help of something else to get sober.

This man remembered when my family had a grocery store, almost two decades ago now. He remembers a young boy giving him change for a 20 dollar bill when he paid with a 10. The spiritual awakening that has made his sobriety such a quality that I want it in my own life, is the same power that caused him to say & do what he did tonight. As I told the story of my parents owning the store, he remember it & the event of me as a child giving the wrong change back. The strength in his spiritual program has made this wonderful man Spiritually FIT enough to reach in his pocket tonight & return to me the difference of that mistaken transaction I made as a young boy. I did not want to accept the money, but in needing to keep his side of the street clean to keep his spiritual condition, he insisted I keep it. This act of honor, dignity, & spiritual greatness sent chills down my spine & still does as I write about it now.

Upon leaving I called my mother & told her I needed her to wait up, I needed to tell her something. I rushed home with that money in my pocket & told my mother that a man did a great thing tonight. I relayed the event that happened as a child & handed her the money that was missing from her register almost 20 years ago now.. As she cried from the joy, not from money, it was a joy of what the 12 STEPS can do to a person's life. I wanted to cry knowing that I want this man's brand of sobriety & that if he has become such a benevolent being in this world that I, her son, may some day too. I need only remember the feeling I had when I awoken spiritually. Perhaps someday I will share it with you all in detail. I need to never forget that because each spiritual movement that I have, like this kind man of change giving back a few simple dollars out of faith in his program, each of these experiences gives me more momentum in working the 12 steps in my own life. One day at a time, one spiritual experience & a great spiritual awakening later perhaps one day I will reach spiritual greatness. Until then I feel that I cannot surround myself by too many people like this man tonight, it will be the first time I actually want to be a product of my environment. For now.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Service Is Love - Love Is Work

April 28. Hey friends, hope your wednesday was as productive as mine. Either that or I hope it flew by for you all. I got so much done today it was suprising, even though it wasn't a huge amount it was more than I had planned to accomplish & that doesn't happen often. I started out the morning waiting for mom to get back from watching my nephew, after a shower I was out the door & off to an appointment. I had to take a good friend to an appointment at the same time, just one building over. Funny how things work out like that for people heading in the right direction, strange & helpful conveinences appear out of nowhere. In any case we finished up that & enjoyed a nice long ride up & through the hills of the Abingtons, catching the stretch view of my old job.. the magificantly grown & groomed Country Club of Scranton. It didn't used to always look that way & in ages past it looked even better as well. Kind of like many of us who entered addiction/alcoholism we were in better shape before, but much better shape in a way after recovery.

I dropped my friend off then headed out to another stop I had to make, finding out some dissapointing facts about a misconception I had with an agency that I am dealing with from the state government level. I got over that with a phone call to talk to my mom about it & came home, soon after I got a call to meet mom & dad for dinner out on the town. We had a good time & I had to be off to get some hi-tech needs for my business & other stuff. I got a call I didn't expect from an old friend struggling with his disease. He & his girlfriend wanted me to take them to a meeting. Joyous news, even if it was provoked by a judge & legal issues. Any exposure to the fellowship is a chance that they may hear what they need to & finally end their sick & suffering ways. So attend we did & a wonderful topic ensued. I volunteered to help the entire month of may doing service work & setting up the meeting because they announced a dire need for help.

The service work I do for others in the fellowship always greatly enhances my spiritual condition, nearing me closer to spiritual fitness all the while I participate. My friends headed home & so did I, enjoying upgrading my mom's phone & mine with new memory cards. So that leads me to tonight, I spoke a little about what I wanted to mention already, but this busy day was a great day sober. Its worth note to say that because any day I can accomplish everday needs, help a friend & family, volunteer to do service work, do necessary shopping for my career & stay sober... WOW. I didn't have to bat an eye, the thought of my past ways didnt even enter my mind with such a full day of healthy distractions from my disease. The best distraction of all was helping another alcoholic/addict today, in a sense service work.

Service work is so vital, not just attending the meetings but being a part of their lifeline. Everything from bringing new guests that have a drug or alcohol problem.. all the way to making coffee or moving chairs is vital participation that the fellowship could not live without. Its not a list of places & members that go there that comprise the fellowship, its a working moving orchestra all playing to the tune of sobriety. There is no conducter, belief in a higher power supplys the tempo at which we perform. All of this picture I paint is to help remind me that without my participation in service work, one less alcoholic may get sober. If it hadn't been done for the past 75 years before me, then I might not have the miracle of sobriety in my life today. My higher power got me sober, but by leading me to the rooms of the 12 Steps. By no means was I touched by a magical power that completely removed my disease, the compulsions, or the past that I work not to relive.

In short, the best honor we can do for anyone we care about is service work. I care about not only my fellow alcoholics & addicts but my fellow human being. I offer myself in service to as many as I can, putting only my own need to stay sober first & only because I can do nothing for anyone if I am not sober. Does staying sober require for me to enjoy life? Certainly! That is why I need an income, friends, & to do things that make me happy. Without them Sobriety would not be do'able because misery would make me not want it in my life. Although things can be tough, I am multiples happier then I ever was on my best day high or drunk. Good times are not forgotten, only outlived by even better ones today. I believe that if we truly love something we will be of service to it, like our husbands or wives, our higher power, our sobriety.. & for me.. all such things & most importantly my fellow alcoholic. It is fellow alcoholics who have done service for me to get me as far as I have come, & I WILL return that duty of service whenever I am needed so long as my higher power makes it possible. Thanks for listening to my day & my joys.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

You Give Me Something To Believe In - Attraction v.s. Promotion

April 27. Hello to all my friends again. I want to remind all who read my daily writings how much I appreciate your support. To be a voice that is heard, even if only by one person's ears, is something irreplacable. When I used to have nothing constructive or passionate to say I longed for the voice I am able to speak with today. Speaking of today it wasn't half bad. I was really lazy throughout the morning. Around 7 I woke up & tinkered online for a while then paced the house from 9 til 10 expecting my mom to get home. I had forgotten she was going to paint at my grandmother's house for the day. When she did arrive though it was a double wammy, she not only was home but she brought a carload of merchandise for my business that was acquired from my grandmother & her aunt. I was a little too tired to be stoked right away but the more I thought of it the more I reflected on how much I appreciate all she does for me.

I was totally beat from not sleeping well, I am currently working on training my body to have more regular sleep paterns & its a very odd battle to persue. The years of devestation & recklessness on my body has made for a difficult time sleeping alone, strangley enough with someone nearby me sleeping as well I can sleep like a baby. I think the answer is deep within my subconscience & also has to do with growing more spiritually. The more that is let go, the less can afflict my rest. So after waking again I got ready & headed to a meeting tonight, unaware it was a celebration meeting & I was running a few minutes late. I ended up arriving & not missing a beat, they must have gotten a slow or late start. When I saw it was a warm person I know in the fellowship celebrating 8 years I was glad I had made it. The meeting went on in usual format & the guest speaker came up.

The speaker was a man I know from many short conversations & through friendship with my sponsor as well. I never really knew much about him but I always had an admiration for his brand of Sobriety & his calm cool & collected nature. In short words, he has what I want. Hearing his story explained so much to me about where he had come from & where he is now. What a difference in people that truly practice spiritual principles in their life, its a staggering comparison. It gives me hope, faith.. "IT GIVES ME SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN!" As he was barraged with many people thanking him for his great message I did not get to specifically tell him that but I plan to at our next home group meeting on friday. I just want to let him know, "You give me something to believe in".

That reminds me of one of the traditions of the fellowship, as it has 12 steps it also has 12 traditions. One of which, tradition 11, states "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films". Its because of this tradition that I do not just come out & say which fellowship I belong to, however I am unafraid & make it clear enough that with a little reasearch one can find out what 12 step program has performed the miracles in my life. In any case, tonights speaker reminded me of this tradition. His story, his words, the way he carries himself & lives his life Sober & Spiritual even through hard times.. it attracts me to the fellowship, its twelve steps, and to follow suggestions like he did to get where he is spiritually today.

I was attracted to what he has, without even a single promotion from him or anyone else to spark my desire for it. The brand of sobriety he has clings to the 12 steps & daily maitenence of his spiritual condition. I once heard a saying "I came to the meeting tonight to see what condition my condition is in." That is motivation enough, its a reality that if I don't keep myself in check & close to what works, nothing will work for me. I have heard many times people speak about how they got sober without a program, some claiming to get sober without a higher power also.. I have seen each one of those people return to the drink or drug of choice, once again needing a miracle to get back out. I have also seen the metamorphasis of people like that, finally giving their will over & embracing the program. The were attracted by people who were actually happy in life & that attained lasting sobriety. Attraction over promotion!

Today more than ever, after hearing the man speak at this celebration, I am convinced that if I follow the path of the 12 Steps, continue to have a relationship with my higher power, and walk in the footsteps of those who have a brand of Sobriety in their life that I want in mine that I will be able to grow to spiritual greatness & achieve the Serenity that carries them through life's most difficult challenges in a sober victory. To everyone out there who has something in their spiritual life that I want in my own I want to say THANKS!!! You Give Me Something To Believe In! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Monday, April 26, 2010

Taking Things Personal - Powerlessness Over Others

April 26. Hey everybody, hope your week started of well. Mine was not a terrible beginning & that says alot because there is a swirl of drama that I could easily allow to drag me down if I want to give into my alcoholic ways. The opportunity to continue to grow spiritually & in sobriety has kept me too excited to give in thusfar. My monday wasn't typical but was. I slept way too much because I ran myself so lean on sleep & my needs over the weekend. I also had a social let down that I intrepreted as a failure at first, after throwing the thoughts around I have settled for it having nothing to do with me, rather someone else's personal choice. We had a great meeting tonight at MARS Group where we talked about keeping in contact with our higher power & how praying & wishing great things on another really benefits us as a person in the end. I got to see my sponsor & we actually got to talk on a problem he was having, which was an opportunity for me to remind him on some sound advice he has given me over the past 9 months in my life.

I called a friend on my ride home who is struggling with life & sobriety as well, just to keep good spirits & assure him that if he's after a solution that one is out there. I accomplished the things that make me feel better on a daily basis (PRISM) & in the end today was as good a sober day as any despite some dull moments in my thinking. I wanted to talk about what I mentioned earlier.. I had gotten upset & felt a rejected failure, when in truth it was someone else's personal choice & circumstances that caused a situation to not work out for me. Personal choice says it all, there is nothing wrong with me persay, although I work on many defects in my spiritual life. That word.. "personal" reminds me of some sound advice that has put many things into perspective for me when dealing with others in my sobriety.

Not just sometimes, but often, people are going to make choices or do things that either do not take me into consideration or that affect my feelings in a way I wish they didn't. The advice, and what I try to always remember, was that 'We should never take anything personal. If someone does or says something that doesn't fit well with us or hurts us.. it is THEM, not us. If we take it personal we are in a way feeling responsible for their feelings or actions which we have NO CONTROL over whatsoever. We can only have power over ourselves & how we function in society or relationships, lets not take someone else's mistake or failure to consider a personal attack, its not personal its just them.' .. I won't quote the source of that advice as they have always liked to remain anonymous but I never heard such a helpful piece of advice when it came to dealing with others.

At the end of the day I can only improve upon myself, through spiritual & sober ways. My improvements may in fact make things better for others around me, but I can't take it personal if everyone doesn't make things always better for me. My higher power may have even made things happen that way for a reason, I am in no position to question its choices. So at the end of the day, if I am feeling down over someone else's choices or actions I can rest easier if I remember that I can only drive my life & my spiritual growth, I must never take something personal EVEN WHEN IT IS. There must be a mistake on someone else's part or a lack of understanding if I am hurt or offended and if it's intentional its still not personal, its their problem not mine. The ability to not dwell on the hurt that is caused to me & trying to understand its nothing personal with me will greatly improve my chances of spiritual successes to come. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
April 26. Hey friends, I got in a little late & in maintaining my honest approach I am kinda bummed out. I am going to post today's topic a little later today after I do some spiritual work on my current attitude. I have some great stuff to write about for those who are interested in my day to day, I just don't want my entries to only be about that. So lets keep it real & keep it spiritual, I know I am certainly trying. P.R.I.S.M. for sure today in my life, I gotta use the tools. Post will be up a little later in the day. Thx, love you all!! <3 Jimmy

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I Did It For (Blank) - Do It For Yourself & Carry The Light

April 24. Hey all, friday has officially come & gone. Now I get to enjoy my busy work weekend at my shop, I truly enjoy it even though it makes for long days. My friday wasn't too bad & things went a little differently for a change. I have tried many things to help regulate my sleep a little better, unless I want to be up late or am out the late nights until 4 & 5am are not doing my body or spirituality any good. None of the methods I have used in the past have been working, but this new way suggested by my doctor yeilded me a solid 5 hours of unbroken sleep last night. I got some rest later in the day before dinner which caught me up to where I felt energy tonight. I had an 8AM appointment which worked out exactly how I had hoped, then came back home to find my handsome & hilarious nephew at the house with my mom.

He watched a new movie that he wanted to see & the end of the Baukugon cartoon he likes, then went outside to rollerskate some. Only 4yrs old and full of energy & fearlessness for sports & balance. His youth reminds me of the childish & fearless trust I had to put into getting sober. He went home while I caught my last 2 hours of sleep & I woke up to get ready for dinner out w/ mom & dad. Afterwards a great meeting at my home group finished the night off. I stayed late to help clean up, gave a friend a ride to town, and finally stopped to relax & have a coffee at my favorite spot. I got to do some thinking by myself, which is sometimes good or bad depending on the condition of my alcoholic mind at the time.

See my thinking can either be spiritual & in line with my higher power's will & recovery, or it can be alcoholic & everything that won't produce positive substance into my life. While thinking a thought came across my mind. It had alot to do with people I have relationships with in my life & some about the future. I have a loving family & some very close friends that never abandoned hope when I gave up on myself for so long. Although I didn't have a wife or children when I got sober, or now for that matter, many people use their friends, family, or a nudge from their work or the courts as a motivation to get sober. I had thought tonight about how lucky I am to be an alcoholic & how lucky I am to have gotten sober for the right reasons.

Countless alcoholics & addicts have gotten sober because of a court sentence, a boss making them go, or a wife or children in jeapordy of being lost for good. Each of these cases the alcoholics have found themselves getting sober, and even some for fair periods of time. The things that they were about to lose or the freedom in jeapordy was enough motivation for them to give this sobriety thing a try. After time, many end up not being able to maintain a sober life or spiritual lifestyle & end up collapsing under the pressure or taking advantage of the return to normalcy. The reason behind this is that the motivation came from outside their heart & soul. Some were lucky enough, through the nudge of someone else, to end up in a recovery program & within their heart grew the desire to do it for themselves.

I feel fortunate for one simple reason, I did not have to go through the embarassment, feeling of letting someone down, or fears of judgement by others because I chose the path of recovery because it called out from my heart & soul. My entire world was in shambles, I had nothing left to turn my life around for... just myself & my higher power. That has given me the capacity to be honest with so much that is required of me to be, I have had no reservations because I truly wanted this for myself. I want to be a light in the world that shines on others, making their existance here enjoyable just through association of spiritual life I live. I know that I have alot more growing to do before I can ever achieve such a thing & I may never fully get there, but I can be the best man that I can be for alot of friends, family, & others that come into my life along the way as I try. I can be of service to my fellow man in so many ways, if no one else did or cared.. I would STILL DO IT. This is bigger than just me, my heart cannot hold all of it in even.

I had thought also tonight about the future, who & what it may bring if anything pertinent at all. I know that some day as I grow more relationships in my life I make it my goal to be a best friend to any who would have me befriend them. I know that my nephew & neices will be able to ask anything of me & so long as it does not do them harm or shatter their morality that I will finally be there to help & provide for them. Most importantly is the unkowns, one day I expect I will meet a woman who is interested in me, not necessarily understanding me fully either. I know that my choice of getting sober for myself has already affected the future, & those people in my life, as well as perhaps a wife in my future, will never have to wonder if my Sobriety or Spiritual way of life swings on a hinge that is variable & they will never have to question my love for them. It will always be that I got sober to be a better person, to grow instead of receed, to help instead of hinder. No matter who enters my life, I have to let them in & by chosing to do so. I also have a heartfelt & soul driven desire to make the lives of those who encounter me better, just by being me & being of service.

I know that I can only be this great man I work to be by further removing my self-seeking ways of the past from my current equation. I am doing this through working the 12 steps. No challenge has been greater in life for me than having put the drink down, except maybe to honestly & fearlessly examine myself & work to be rid of selfish things that I cannot share smiling with another person during a spiritual moment. For anyone who has ever thought about getting their act together for their kids, for school, for their career, their families, or their friends.. or any other reason.. please don't do it. DO IT FOR YOURSELF, be a light that shines so bright that others expose their darkness to you just for relief. Let your light shine! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Admitting & Accepting - The First Step

April 22. Hey all you spiritual people, hope today was as good as any other for you.. or better than that even. My day was long, but I feel accomplished & content.. oh & I didn't take a drink or a drug to get through it either. Afterall that's my objective right? To keep that destructive force out of my life so that spirituality can thrive not shrink. I was up early because I couldn't sleep, catching maybe an hours nap before I went to my doctor's appointment in the afternoon. It was a great appointment with an awesome group that followed it & some new faces that I got to get familiar with. I also got to spend some time w/ my mom because she accompanied me on my travels, it's a long ride to my doc almost 45 minutes. So we did a little shopping for some this & that stuff we needed then back home. I tried to get a little more rest before my evening meeting but as I drifted off finally the time came to get ready.

The meeting was great because I got to see my sponsor & the topic was focused on the newcomers that were in attendance. I love newcomers at meetings because we often focus solely on the first step for the whole hour. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (drugs, being no good at life aka alcoholism), and our lives had become unmanageable." Thats the first step with a little inclusion of my own inside the brackets. It's an important step & is the true beginning of any alcoholic or addicts road to recovery. At some point we have to finally seen enough & failed enough times to be convinced that we have lost the power of the drink, drug, emotions, & even some actions. Our lives are as unmanagable as our habits & sometimes more, like our wallets, our emotions, our entire life out of focus & lacking clear direction. Without admitting this & fully taking this step, we can never hope to recover or grow spiritually.

It was a step that I didn't struggle with much, I knew from a young age that I had a problem & I didn't know how to stop it.. the solution was unimaginable until I had been nearly buried by my addiction. I was so in tune with my struggle yet so blind to the relief that awaited, I actually had made peace with my higher power at that time, that I would live whatever is left of my life in the suffering & constant starving of a hungry addiction that could not be filled up. Later I found out that this acceptance of my condition & unmanagability had to be altered slightly, I needed to keep the powerless & unmanagable views, but not the vision of bearing the suffering until my last breath. As I dug deeper into the 12 steps & the fellowship's meetings I became more convinced that the suffering could come to an end & that a managable & joyful life was possible even for someone as sick as myself.

The thought of being eternally removed from my alcoholic lifestyle didn't seem possible, no one else said that I would be cured either. The fact is though that if only for today I focus on doing what's necessary for the relief from my disease, then today I have managed it & that is all due to powerfulness, not powerlessness. The power is not my own, I never overpowered my disease in 14 years of it having control. I am granted access to the power of the 12 steps & spiritual living, all gifts of my higher power & it's true will for me, and that provides the relief I need to be joyous & free. Today I am at peace with myself for the most part & actively working the steps to further that comfort, have I attained that Serenity that is promised? Not everyday or even for a day in whole, but I get it in bits & pieces as I grow in spirit & sobriety. There are moments when I can't help but feel blessed & live the miracle.

It is through working all 12 steps & following the suggestions in the Big Book that will introduce me to that lasting Serenity that is promised. It is also changing myself gradually so that my will each day is more like the will of my higher power, because I have free will this is the least I can do in attempts to brighten my dark past. I feel the rewards everyday, usually through my encounters with others.. which is where my spirituality thrives & I am actually powerful instead of powerless. Miracles like these don't happen over night & they don't go on being believed in by everyone. But belief is in my living & I chose to live for my beliefs, which are much different then the things I advocated in the past. So here's to the 12 steps & the grace of my higher power, each day empowering me a little more & making life more managable. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Self Destruct Mode - Symptoms & Solutions

April 21. Hey friends, wednesday is creeping to an end & thursday slowly approaches. All in all it was a good day. I was up in the early AM, spent some time talking with friends online & my mom at home. After finally deciding to get some rest I had one of those nightmares that didn't want to let me get real sleep. After waking up three times to drift back into the dream I finally got up, cleared my head & said a prayer (and some other choice curses I won't repeat) then tried again. This time successful I rested until I smelled the aroma of mom's delicious dinner cooking. I got to eat w/ mom & dad, then headed out the door armed with a bunch of Krispy Kreme doughnuts for my fellow meeting attenders.

It couldn't have been a better night for mom to send the doughnuts, turns out there was a huge crowd & three people celebrating various years of Sobriety. The sweet treats on me went over well & not a single crumb was wasted, after a great meeting with a phenominal speaker several trays of pizza arrived. All in all the event was over 2 hours long compared to the normal 1 hour meetings we usually see. Every minute was worth it. My alcoholic mind had several selfish thoughts during the meeting, only to be set straight by the speaker's story as thoughts passed through my head. It just goes to show, a positive & spiritual environment can really help us through each day despite ourselves.

I used to be really good at sabatoging my life, when things were going well I had to throw a wrench in the working parts & cause a catastrophy. I celebtrated my 9th month sober yesterday, my typical routine for accomplishment in years past would have been to do some sort of reckless & substance oriented celebrating that ended up with terrible consequences. See good things in my life used to be a reason to do bad things in excess, it was almost like an inner part of me felt it needed to balance out the scales a bit. Today I don't have to go through self ruin to appreciate the good things that come along. I don't have to go through hard or bad times to appreciate the good, I've gone through so much painful existance in the past that I seek the Serenity spoken about in the 12 step program.

No matter if I am on the high road or low road any given day, if I just do as my higher power would have me do & accept the results for what they are I will be fine. I can analyze why I had so many self created disasters in my life, that would be a huge waste of time though. Instead I would rather dedicate my efforts & thinking into doing whats necessary to never let that intentionally happen again. Looking back, I can say I purposely at times put myself in situations because I felt unworthy of the direction my life was heading. I came from a good childhood, I was collectively intelligent, I had a good friend & romance life even at a young age, I even had belief in a religion & an understanding of why moral values were important building blocks.. so why would I have felt unworthy? One word sums it all up, an unexplainable, mysterious & real disease.. Alcoholism.

It doesn't need a reason, it doesn't need to be provoked, it simply is & it causes those inflicted to seek out a solution. For so many years I treated the symptoms of my disease with drugs & alcohol, the constant use of them never occured to me as a red flag that their was an underlying problem or disorder at the time. Not until awareness through contact with other alcoholics did I even consider the notion, my final understanding is that the pain, suffering, alcohol & drugs were all symptoms of a disease that was beyond my control. I had to turn it over to my higher power, treat the problem.. myself, and practice principles of a spiritual nature daily in my life to have a chance at surviving my self destructive ways. My first time hearing the messages carried in the rooms of the 12 step programs, I thought it all to be a farce & that I just was the way I was because of choice.

It took hitting a bottom lower than any I have seen in my life or other's I know to call for action. At that bottom, when nothing else existed but me, myself, & I.. I had to find a real solution, there was nothing left to try, I was in a corner with no resources left to temporarily treat my disease. So I had to come back to what I once thought as a "song & dance" & ask for help. I needed guidance & change to gain protection from myself. They told me I would have to be willing to be totally honest & I would have to be willing to do it someone else's way. Tonight's celebration for the three people in the fellowship was not just a celebration of Sobriety, but an example to all that if we seek a true & lasting solution to any problems that lie within ourselves.. that with belief in a higher power, the 12 steps, & other spiritual people in our lives we can live on til our final day our creator intended us to live.. free from the bondage of ourselves & relieved of our alcoholism. We do this one day at a time. So for this day.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Medal Of Honor - World War You















April 21. The clock has just turned & Tuesday's gone with the wind. Happy Wednesday everyone. Today was a good day & in reality every day I don't drink or use drugs is a better day than those gone past. I had the liberty after dinner to attend my usual tuesday night meeting & recieve my 9 Month Sobriety Coin. I happen to wear them around my neck on a bezelle & chain, no coincidences I keep it close to my heart literally. My sister had stroked the phrase "Medal of Honor" when I sent her a picture via txt mail, the statement couldn't be more true. It is an honor to recieve these medals, symbolizing not only the continued abstenance from mild altering substances.. but the hard work that we all must put into daily life if we want to remain spiritually fit.

I knew from many failed attempts fighting my disease in the past, that if this program were to work as others said, it would be one hell of a battle. In combat you follow ordeers & do anything to survive, much the same to what I have been through in the 9 passing months. I was never given an order, but suggestions on how to save my life & livelyhood all the same. When I fell short of some of the objectives I suffered casualties, taking losses & gains one struggle at a time. Instead of wounds of the physical type, I have suffered many spiritual damages but none so threatening to my serenity, to the objective as when I was in active addiction. The hardest part of the battle was learning a new way to fight, my old methods nearly had me raising a white flag altogether.

To learn these new methods I had to follow direction, the direction of my fellow 12 steppers aka my fellow soilders. They had seemed to have defeated their enemies, themselves, using the same battle plan for over 75 years & passing the secret down to each soldier who enters the fight. I thank my higher power for the traditions in my 12 step fellowship, the ones that say in order to keep our victories we must pass them on to the newly signed soldiers. Without such a tradition the fight would be impossible for many. It is true, I have managed to fight my worst enemy for the past 9 months, myself.. my alcoholic thinking.. & my old way of fighting life's battles. But my battle has JUST BEGUN.

I cannot worry about what type of battlefield I will be on a week or year from now, or what shape or size the enemy will present itself in. I must fight my battle today & be victorious in order to even see tomorrow's challenges. That is why I must stay on the path, one day at a time & constantly conditioned for whatever encounter is next. Did I sign onto this campaign to "fight" or "battle" every day of my life? No, I fight whats necessary to survive & the days the enemy does not present itself I march with a smile on my face. Marching for the rest of my life, a soldier's life, seems so uninteresting.. but I would rather March then die. I have come to understand that long ago I awakened & threatened an enemy within myself that wants me dead & will not rest until I am. With that in mind, I'll take every "Medal of Honor" along the way & with a prayer to my higher power say this.. "I'll be damned if it takes my freedom, my happiness, or my life ever again. You want a fight, well you got one!" .. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

9 Months - Not Pregnant, Sober! One Day At A Time

April 20. Today marks a great day in my life. Preceeded only by a few other great moments thusfar, no prize or material matter comprises what is so special. On Monday, I started a day like any other, just one more day of my "one day at a time" life. In the 24 hours that made up my monday, I really did not do all that much, but as each second of sobriety passed on great things were building up. A great meeting with a very sick & newly sober person started the descend towards the end of the day. With so many reminders of what its like to be sick & suffering still, I tried not to take a single bit of advantage of the entire hour & a half with the newcomer. Finally we adjourned & I rushed to meet my sponsor as his usual monday meeting came to a close. A little talk & a hug later it was a wrap. I stopped to see one more friend before going out for a little while & having coffee. Still unaware in my conscience that something great was nearing. Then all of a sudden at the stroke of midnight as I was getting ready to head home I got a txt message from someone.

The contents of the message & who sent it is irrelivant, but when I closed the message the time & date popped up on my phone. Much to my suprise one more day had passed & I was NOW 9 MONTHS SOBER! The sceptics were wrong, the critical must have over analyzed this thing... there I was, living a spiritual program that insists on handling life's business one day at a time & I was at a new milestone.. 9 months. I cannot count how many people said that it only took willpower as I failed time & again doing it that way. I don't know how many times I tried changing location, substances, people, nothing worked. Nothing but this one simple 12 step program that required my whole heart wishing that something would work. If I were asked my first day sober to imagine being 9 months clean, I would have gotten depressed at the task & probably would have been high or drunk in minutes from the thought. But I never had to do that, my friends in the program told me not to worry about a month, 2, 3, 6, 9... they said just worry about today.

And today happens to be a great day in my life. Maybe even in other's around me, because my change has brought joy to many who suffered with & because of my disease at its worst. So this 9 months of sober says I can do this right? I must be cured right? WRONG. No matter how much time I have Sober in my life I can never lose track of what has gotten me there, or what is necessary to maintain this quality of life. I must give credit where it is due, my higher power has had a huge hand in helping me through this all. If it wasn't for it's constant reassurance through mini miracles along the way I might not still be here. But when I was promised everything would be alright, well, ITS ALRIGHT!

I have faced an ugly few weeks in my life lately, days I would normally drink or drug over to not have to feel how I feel over it. I now know why it was so hard to stop in the past, because without the changes & program in my life today I may not have been able to stand my life's consequences enough to stay clean & at the rate I was going it was only a dart on a calander as to which night I was going to finally overdose back then. So what will I do today now that I am 9 months sober, the same thing I do every other day. Maybe once exception will be different, instead of watching someone else get their 9mo coin at the meeting tonight, I will be going to get mine. I will probably hold it in my hand for the whole hour, rubbing it to a shiny finish. Thats just how much I appreciate my life today, to hold on tight & cherish all the comprises it. Maybe as I journey on I will meet the right one & whatever comes with them, and need my arms to hold it tight instead of just my fingers. One day at a time is not so bad, when you have today to be grateful. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Friday, April 16, 2010

God Save The Queen - A CornerStone In My Spirituality

April 16. Well its officially the weekend. I hope everyone can look back at their week & say they did their best. If your like me & didn't live up to your standards, don't feel bad, just work on yourself & try again.. we can succeed in this spiritual journey. My day was lame from morning to afternoon. I didn't feel good, which may have had to do with all the feeling sorry for myself I was doing. In any case, I needed a good meal & some time outside my head. When dad got home & we headed out for dinner on the town, I was very grateful for our weekly friday ritual. It kicks off the weekend which signifies my dedication to my business, & my life growing outside the program as well as within it. Dinner wasn't anything amazing, no burning bush, but a few treads to getting me in the right direction again. On that path I went for a ride to do some thinking & on the way to my homegroup meeting I stumbled across a cornerstone in my path.

It wasn't in the middle of the road, or the middle of the sidewalk, or anywhere physical. It was in my mind. I had been absorbed in worry & analyzation of my recent heartache & dissapointment, wondering what solutions were going to make the restlessness in my head & heart calm down. I had suggested all of the possible things that could make a future friendship/relationship with the person that hurt me, it seemed they tried a piece of one & had given up. No contact other than sly remarks or avoiding excuses. Then I remembered tonight a bit about myself, about when I was not ready for change or growth in my life. I remember all the excuses, about the finger pointing & trying to make myself so different that nothing applied to me. "That might work for you, but I'm different, and I am just fine."

I had finally come to the turn in direction, my alcoholic thinking was shifting away from its normal and towards a positive direction. Sometimes positive means to take away. I had to really step back & see what I had seen in myself not too long ago in life. An unwilling & spiritually bankrupt person, incapable of change because of self loathing & moral degeneration of myself. All of which were symptoms of my disease, they caused me to do immoral & inconsiderate things to others... and to myself. They caused me to look things I truly wanted in my life, right in the face and reject them or to hide from them. My own past is the cornerstone of my today. With all of this insight I once again have to say, it does not take an alcoholic or addict to make a spiritually sick person. The drugs & alcohol are mere side affects of the overall problem.

Until a person is willing to face their fears, face their shortcomings, face their mistakes, and really wants change & growth in their life... they will continue to hide, hurt, or demoralize all that matters to them. My new insight to my disaster with the said person in my life is one that is undeniable. I have offered understanding & direction, I suggested what has worked for me, and just like when I refused so many times.. this person has said they are fine & they do not have anything wrong they care to fix. My advice to many people during my addiction (aka spiritual bankruptcy) was for the one's I cared about to stay away from me & stay out of my way, that I was not well. That warning was only heard by the people I wasn't afraid to hurt, imagine the torture those who were closer to me had to endure because I couldn't live without them taking the wrath of my addiciton.

In the end I have seen a real & tangible solution to this social problem, it is to shut the door entirely on this person. I am not the one who can make them well, nor can I make them want to be spiritually well. I can only offer tools that have successfully worked for me, if & when they are ever ready to use them. Because of this inability to help, I will be hurt again and potentially more than before, that is if I leave the doors open. So the answer is clear that I must close the doors, leave this person to their own doings and devices. If their castle crumbles on them, I can only pray it doesn't crush their last breath out of them because I still can't save them. I am powerless over their actions or spiritual condition, I can truly only ever save myself... with the help of others.

Although a more difficult task, to tell the one's we love that we can do no more and acknowledge no further of them, it is something that I must do in order to ensure that I can be the best person I can be at all times. That includes me not drinking or taking drugs, and not letting someone take my best qualities & put them through the wood chipper time & again. I am meant to love, befriend, laugh, enjoy, & empower others through this life, not harbor resentment & fear for them, nor hurt over their shortcomings. When loss is gain, is when my spiritual balance is on the line. Anything I let go of, I let go of it to my higher power, in faith that it will watch over it in the absence of my own eyes. In faith that it will love it in the absence of my own expressions of love. And that it will one day save it from itself, we are our own worst enemies without spirituality in our lives. God save the Queen. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, April 15, 2010

When You Don't Feel Like Feelings - ReVisiting The P.R.I.S.M

April 15. Well friend's its well past Hump-Day now & drifting into Thursday morning where I live, another day Sober. What suprised me today is I didn't "feel" as much as I normally do, I am not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. Yesterday I went out to do some late night shopping for business supplies & canvas I needed, got a lot of cool stuff then came home to sleep. From staying up late I obviously slept in, had an early dinner & got going to get coffee & meet friends just as my dad pulled in. It was nice to just say hi to him, we usually miss eachother on the 'come & go' in the evening. Just getting two words in feels good sometimes because I want him to know I care. So I made it out to get a coffee & my friend that I had intended to meet bailed on me before the meeting, no big deal I guess, then again he does it often. That is his inventory however not mine & he hasn't asked me to help him with his either.

So I end up much later out & trying to entertain myself, where I happen to see an old family friend & a short time later a fellow friend of the program. Just in seeing those good people my night was lifted from a dull attempt to feel better to actually FEELING BETTER. So here I am approaching the late evening, finally starting to feel for the day. Its funny because when I start to feel, I feel all at once. I think this is a trait of many of alcoholic/addict & I will explain more about it as it relates to me. There are times when I am just numb, not by choice & not because I am human. People often blame character defects & problems on being human, there are humans that are very spiritually, emotionally, & mentally fit.. we all can work to be to our own personal capacity. But being numb, what I mean is that I lack sometimes the feeling that I have other times. Not a sad or happy feeling.. a sense of feeling all together.

There is no up or down, just a 'there' kind of emotion. At times like this I lack the ability to feel or recognize how others may feel about certain things too. I might just totally miss an obvious clue that my mom is worried about something, or not sympathize with someone who is going through a hard time because I am not in a "feeling" kind of mood. Its definitely an obscure thing to go through, much different from addiction where my primary feeling was fear most of the time but at least a feeling of some sort none the less. I had wondered possibly because of my current life's circumstances not being where I would like them was it affecting my psyche or subconscience somehow. My guess is probably, I'm not a psychiatrist or psycologist I just know a few great things about being sober through spiritual means.

Spirituality for me is thinking outside the box sometimes & examining myself for improvement not counting on some outside entity's examination of me. So when I am feeling without "feeling" I need to do something about that. Its better to feel what is really going on in my life or around me than to be numb, I was numb for too long with drugs & alcohol. Its an uneasy & unintentional state of mind & spirit that I haven't found anything good in staying that way. I know that when I am positive & upbeat things are great for me, so that is my target frame of mind. I think that when I am focused & active working elements of the 12 step program in my life, I am not capable of slipping into that numb zone. Thats why its so important for me to have a daily maintenence for my spirituality & sobriety no matter what time I start my day.

Through many stages of my sobriety I have used a simple daily program called P.R.I.S.M. & I have passed it on to many others, even those who are non-alcoholic/addicts to try in their life. Everyone who uses it, including myself, sees results on a daily basis & can actually say they feel the difference on days they don't use it. "Feel the difference" is something much better than not feeling at all. So I think its about time I start using this everyday again, I mostly do all of these things anyway, but making sure every component of the "PRISM" is achieved is what makes the difference. Its an all, not most, kind of remedy. So what is it? (P).Pray 2 times a day, morning and Night. (R). Read inspirational or goal related literature daily, for me its the Big Book, for others maybe the Bible or other refference. (I). Inventory of yourself each morning, asking 'is there anything I can do to help someone else today, to make myself better, or to help myself in a spiritual way?'. (S). Speak to another alcoholic/addict in recovery, speak to your sponsor, or if your not in recovery speak to someone with a common goal or that you spiritually admire, just a normal talk about whatever comes up. (M). Meeting, attend a meeting daily, a meeting is two or more people gathered to discuss something, the something should be goal oriented like sobriety or spiritual growth, it can just be a friend over coffee or a room full of like minded people.

So there is the PRISM, I talked about it of course for anyone who hasn't heard about it before, but also to remind myself of what works. The bottom line is that what works in our lives, Is What WORKS. I know most would say its human nature for us all to slack off on the things that got us to where we want to be, but there are those dedicated who prove that it is not human nature at all. They are human & its in their nature to keep doing what works & has given them results in their life. I try to be like them everyday, maybe one day I will achieve that, I know that anything is possible with practice. So here's to one more day, alive & sober, to practice doing what works one more time & hopefully start feeling those feelings in my life. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I Don't Need To Be Better When I Am My Best

April 14. Hey friends, Tuesday's gone & the horizon of Wednesday morning is close to being filled with light here on the east coast USA. My day was filled with grim news & harsh reality, but a miracle occured anyway. I happened not to drink because of it, or use a drug, and I was able to be honest about all of my woe's to the people who help me the most. I remember it not always being this way. Tragic days would lead to tragic doses of drugs in my body, and more tragic side effects & lies to hide it all. It's truly less painful to be hurt by someone in Sobriety, but really I have been smashed up emotionally for days straight by someone. Today was the worst of all the news, but somehow I still have a reasonable sense of happiness and clarity in my life. I am more convinced than ever that Sobriety, no... more than that.. spiritual living is the way of life like no other I have experienced. I am able to do and be done to more without falling apart or giving up.

In a few more days I will have been sober 9 months and even though I have made some mistakes through this young peroid of Sobriety in my life, I have managed to get this far without the things I needed to survive in the past. Thanks to people just like me who have done it before me, I am being freely given the tools, solutions, & way of life that was once a mystery to me. At one time my disease would not even allow me to imagine a life like this. I have come to understand that having become happy with myself, I can remain happy when others hate. I used to cringe at the thought of someone not liking me, yes I still consciously care if certain people think bad of me or do bad to me, but its different now. I no longer am bonded to just myself, a little more free I can actually sympathize that even some people who do not have alcoholism/addiction can be spiritually sick as well.

For the first time I wish someone, who has hurt me at so many different levels, an opportunity to get well and heal. Never before have I seen someone who has crossed me as someone deserving of love & care. I may not be able to help them myself, I don't have experience to do that, but someone can. My point in all of this is that we can grow to see things differently, I not only see it but feel it. I would have in the past wished pain, suffering, heartache, or harm on someone who had done me wrong. In some cases I am sure that I even caused some of those things in retaliation. My life is changed, my higher power has loved & forgiven me through my mistakes & so have many human beings just like me. Although many have forgiven me, that does not mean they have forgotten my past, just that we have grown together to build a bond greater than that.

I can never forget the things that have hurt me deep, but I can forgive those who seek the way of the spirit & spiritual living. I really never thought I could be the bigger person in many difficult situations I have faced, and maybe I am not, just a little more spiritual. I can't always be the Hero, but I can do what is right most of the time. It is not an eye for an eye, not for me anymore. If you take my eye I use the other, if you take both I will feel my way through life. If I want to see change, why not start with me? Why not start with changing how I deal with life's most challenging moments, to be more like the spirit and less selfish. In the end revenge, ignorance, ridicule, or reminding one of their mistakes all the time is just self-centered tactics to blow up our own ego's anyway. Because we want to be better than those that hurt us. I can't be better than anybody, I can only be my best. Thanks for listening.. Thanks for loving people that make mistakes.. Be thankful we have this chance called life to be the best we can. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Monday, April 12, 2010

Environment & Potential - Spiritual Conditioning

April 12. Hey friends, its Monday night & all in all it was a good start to the week. I had truly hoped for things to take a turn up & with some positive thinking I have seen results. I took it easy today, not wanting to bite off more than I could chew or to stir up anything out of my elements. A good dinner early & getting cleaned up, I was ready to head out the door. I made it as MARS Group was starting & to my suprise no Kathy (the person who usually runs the group). As any good group does when key players aren't there, the rest of us stepped up & made it productive beyond our expectations. There was alot of good talk & advice given as our topic was the Fourth Step & things we can talk about that relate to each of our own.

The fourth step says, "We took a fearless & moral inventory of ourselves". In addition we put pen to paper during this step, writing these things down. So needless to say there was alot of good talk during the meeting, along with alot of solution based commentary. A good meeting is always uplifting, we adjourned a little early & a group of us took advantage by hitting up Dunkin Doughnuts. A girl was having some issues & we focused alot of time on her specific problem there. I hope she got some good suggestions that will help her in her journey ahead, which was alot like some of the legal battles I faced in the past. I headed out early & joined my sponsor in helping close up & clean the Moscow meeting. We had a good couple minutes of talk & a few chuckles about guy stuff, then off to home to reflect.

So here I am reflecting, it was a good day. Better than any in the past week & for that I am grateful to my higher power. So as a topic I thought I would talk about something that has appeared to me as a huge resource in my recovery. Sometimes we limit ourselves, our recovery, or our ability to do our best by the environment we are in. Sometimes we have little choice over our environment, but more often than not when we dig deep there is some way we can change it if we really have to. Even if that means flying solo or taking a leap of faith, sometimes whatever it takes is whatever it takes. I bring of the topic of "Environment & Potential" because it has been a real & measurable factor in my Sobriety, Recovery, & Spirituality.

In my decade plus of self-centered destruction they call addiction/alcoholism, my environment often contributed to my misery. The amplification often made the cycle worse at times, and when in better environments sometimes it lifted the burden of self I carried through the years. Looking back, I am sure of the role that environment played on my potential. It even had a hand in me wanting to survive my active addiction towards the end, if I had been in some of the awful places I was in the past or around some of the awful people there as well, I may not have wanted to endure the trials of Sobriety.. in fact there were times when I wished "I hope this dose is the one that ends it all". Much of that had to do with what I had seen & had to live with around me, at times when the environment provided no glimmer of hope. Today that is much different.

Today I surround myself with positive people, those also who have had success at the things I am trying to do with my life. I live in a place where I can be myself and do the things that make me happy & who I am without ridicule or question. I have chosen meetings that support the reality of Sobriety & its steps creating miracles in people's lives, a sponsor that is Sober over a decade & lives with a harmony I want to have even when he is having personal trials of his own. All of this is environment, its at home, work, church, school, all of the places we go where we are to be ourselves. No more is there a person, substance, or fear of authority that controls my life. So when we take a good look at our environment around us, lets think.. 'Is this place, person, job, establishment, organization or whatever.. IS THIS going to allow me to be the BEST person I can possibly be in life?" If not maybe its time to make a change. I did, so gratefully, I DID! It works as so many other spiritual suggestions I have tried have. I have no question today on who I am or where I am heading, none. Thanks to my higher power, a great program, a good family/support group, and a Positive Environment around me I have clarity, confidence, and direction in my life today. Enjoy your week, til next time.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Sunday, April 11, 2010

April 11. Hey friends! Hope everyone had a great weekend. Too many awful weekends can be considered better than the one I spent. With that being said, I am at the moment physically well, but spiritually & mentally not so much. I will be posting a blog in the morning, but I have promised myself & a friend that I would relax tonight, take a breather, and focus a good night's rest & tomorrow on regaining some balanced wellness again. Can't wait to talk about it when I have some more energy & a positive spin for it all. Something good is going to rise from all the ashes, like every pheonix in stories past. Have a great monday, and if you do I am praying I will be right behind ya. <3 Jimmy

Friday, April 9, 2010

No Place Like Home - A Place For Shelter

April 09. Hey everybody, hope your friday was great. To be honest I didn't really feel up to writing tonight, but in the better interest of my spirituality I have decided to anyway. Maybe writing will help me apply some things to areas of my life, which has happened before thankfully. Don't know really what to make of the day. Some good talks yesterday has brightened the horizon in some areas of my life, but talk is only part of the equation. Today lacked alot of the action that I had hoped would come from the person promising change. I can sit and drive myself crazy in wonder or I can face the facts that once again I am placing expectations on others that they may not be capable of fullfilling at this moment.. or ever. Thats what it really boils down to, me expecting certain conditions & efforts and them not being met continuously. So needless to say when dinner out on the town with mom & dad came up tonight, it was a much appreciated break from myself & my head.

I had some extra time between dinner & the meeting tonight so I took a slow drive for a coffee then arrived early in case anyone needed help setting up. All of the set up was done already so I assumed the role of greeter at the door, to humble myself & to keep my mind off the poison it was creating. Although a decent attempt, greeting does not take much attention as people sporatically show up, so my focus was in my head and on txt messages talking to someone else who was stressed. Not ideal situations to lighten the emotional load. In the end the meeting was phenominal and like most nights the topic of forgiveness & all that was shared absorbed me for the whole hour. If nothing else when a meeting can get me out of myself for the hour its in session, it has done its purpose. I felt a little more spiritual for the letting out of the meeting.

When I got in my car I tried to contact the person who has been falling short with me these days. I wanted to appologize for being so hard when I know that the hurt and shortcomings they caused me were only because of their spiritual sickness during this time. With all good intentions I was not able to get ahold of them or get a reply to the few messages I sent. I made it home & decided to clean up my office area, thinking environment will help me & it has some. I got enough steam to write this entry tonight from it at least. The one thing I must say, my topic if you will, is that regaurdless of how mixed up I feel or felt all day.. and in spite of the fact that I have experienced many failures, be it my own or another person's.. when I walk into a meeting full of other addicts or alcoholics the stresses seem to diminish. When not completely they at least subside for the time I spend there with people in the fellowship.

The feeling of being "at home", with people just like me, who feel what I feel, its an irreplacable comfort that I cannot find outside when things aren't going my way. Even when my way is seemingly a good one, it hurts to face defiance or rejection in all its forms. There is some sort of miraculous power in the rooms, perhaps a divine pass or push of comfort, maybe just my own mind seeing it that way. No matter what it works. When your heart is aching or your temper is near its peak, no matter the problem, there is "No Place Like Home" to help us better deal with it. I have found a home in the rooms of the 12 step program, the meetings are vital key to the success in sobriety & spirituality. Many people do not get that their first time around, some never get it and die broken. I can only be grateful that I have seen the power behind it, a power that my own higher power must have granted because from it.. comes all good things in my life. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Survivor Man - We Learn Survival From Others

April 08. Hey everybody. Its thursday & the weekend approaches. For everyone still on the hamster wheel that means friday is coming & you can hop off for two days. For those of us who have gotten off the wheel already life is hopefully good. I know what started as a very dissapointing week for me has finally made some breakthroughs. I would like to think that my faith in a higher power and all of the good suggestions & support of people that care about me are what helped me to this point. The most important aspect of it all is that I made it through a serious spiritual blow without using a drug or drink to endure the damages. In doing so I preserved my spiritual progress, so I am told & have come to beleive myself.. actually I feel it not just believe it.

Today I had the privledge of sitting down with friends who in all their time respect & value eachother. Their track record of having eachother's backs and interests at heart is a proven one. They not only sat down to talk with me but make suggestions about solving problems in my current relationships. Good people like that without an agenda, who freely give their knowledge of the solution, are the same type of good people that keep me sober in the 12 step program's rooms I attend meetings at. See alot of people go through life looking at the bad in people, and thats all they see, truth is people are generally good & without agenda. I remember in my addiction there always bein an agenda, when their wasn't I had enough money or drugs at that time to act freely and from my heart. Otherwise there had to be a motive. Sober people lack that selfish agenda for the most part, but there are the occasional rare persons who are self-seeking even without substance abuse in their lives.

So back the the success story. I can't put enough shine to the fact that a test I so many times before failed and used over, was survived Sober for a change. The suggestions have worked in my life, the program works too & without it during these trying times I may well have collapsed. I can remember thinking "I need a meeting" on monday night when things got difficult for me. If the meetings didn't exist and weren't structured for us to hear about other issues that remind us we don't have it so bad, we might not be able to maintain our spiritual edge. Another part of it is newcomers reminding us of why we do not want to go back out there and use again, keeping it green. Whatever the effect, it works.. yes it certainly does, and it works for me by getting me outside myself again where my spirituality thrives and grows.

I talked to my sponsor tonight & got to share of the help my friends offered tonight & the suggestions as well. He reinforced that I did the right thing & as always asked if I had anything pending on my mind. With such great people in my life how could I not want to go on Sober? My gratitude is forever growing, I pray that anyone who fears the unkown life of Sobriety that they one day break through. Be it desperation, the bottom, a nudge, judge or grudge.. each person who walks into the rooms of the 12 step program is a beautiful site. I'll never forget the enduring kindness of the world around me, which by the way is mostly GOOD not bad. Thanks for listening.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Play Your Position - Winning The Game

April 08. Hey all, we have made it through wednesday & I'm not shocked but grateful. I am glad that I have a program, people, & family in my life that understand the importance of God and the 12 steps in my life. Sometimes that means just understanding I have to take care of myself & my health, which I like to think are improving daily but not always. I did a small favor taking stuff up to the attic this morning for mom then tried to relax, I needed some real rest so I tried to use ear plugs they helped. I had dinner later in the day & got myself ready to head out to a meeting, the earlier part of the day I basically talked with a friend via phone text on & off. I got to the meeting already in session a few minutes, but no major loss I made the topic & to hear everyone share. I even spoke myself, the topic was gratitude, despite my current dissapointments I have much still to be grateful for.

After the meeting I tried to socialize a bit like last night, but unfortuantely most of my personal friends had left. I strayed into one "clique"'s conversation for a few minutes & then excused myself, saying goodbye to loose friends met through introductions in the past. I hopped in the car windows down & decided to enjoy the radio & ride through the beautiful warm night air. While driving tonight's topic came to me. Sort of like on a sports team, for us to have success at many or most things we have to "Play Our Position". If we don't certain things break down, or get by us and someone or something else can 'score against us'. Losing a game does not feel good when its the game of life's circumstances.

So I related to recent situations with people & things where I had to play my position. My position is what I have been taught or feel is right, what I am trying to accomplish, what I have faith in, etc. To win at sobriety I play the position of the student, I really must never know the answers and need to be willing to follow suggestions from those who have scored the goals I want to score myself. When newly sober I had to learn to play new positions on the gamefield of life, because the old positions I was playing allowed me to lose the game time and again. When we play our position, and its one we are sure that will work for us to win, we cannot move sometimes from that spot.

Basically I am saying sometimes people will want us to accept, do, or approve of certain conditions or things that will change the way we feel. If we allow it and don't stand our ground, staying in position, we are jeapordizing the game. We are jeapordizing our sobriety, spirituality, happiness, and overall ability to grow & win at life. So yes I have seen the struggles that teams and players have seen, but in life not in a sporting event. I've had to change my position to win, I've given up my position and lost many times before, and I've had to learn to stand my ground and play my position to win. Be inspired when you feel whats right will help you win at life, "Play Your Position". Thanks for listening to me today, Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Misery Loves Company - And Drinks & Drugs Too

April 06. Hey friends & readers, Tuesday's gone & I'm still alive & sober. Each day a miracle, one day at a time right? So I was really so miserable that I slept & loafed around most of the day after being up all night last night. I am going through something medically that is affecting my sleep (if its not one problem it's another) and in addition to that I had recent spiritual damaging things occur between myself & someone else. Needless to say my waste of a day was redeemed towards the evening, I can be down but staying down is not an option. I had a great dinner made by mom & headed out to my usual tuesday night meeting. When I got there I was glad to hear a topic about somebody esle, one of the great keys to spirituality is getting outside one's selfish desires & affairs. I got an opportunity to share about the topic & also talk about some key things that truly helped earlier in Sobriety.

After the meeting I stuck around for a long (1 hour) chat with friends in the parking lot. Not having much better to do with myself and desperately wanting to feel balance in my life it seemed to work. A great suggestion I heard many times was surround yourself with people in recovery, especially when you are not feeling on top of your game. Wouldn't you know, it worked. I rarely have seen a suggestion that when thoroughly followd that hasn't worked out positively. So with my mind off the problems, without a drink or drug, I was able to bounce back a little spiritually tonight. Possibly enough to say that regaurdless of conditions in my many relationships day to day, I am gonna be alright. And I have to know that to grow spiritually.

So with my week picking back up from below the mud to ground level I can only hope it lifts from there. I had thought of a wonderful topic while pondering my status tonight, I'd like to share it and get some thoughts stirring. "Misery Loves Company", in fact if we let it, it will keep us from living spiritually through others. I have come to notice that negativity thrives in certain people and during certain situations in people's lives. Even in my own the past day or two I caught myself not keeping an open & positive door to things. People that are miserable often try many ways of spreading it. There is direct, or insulting or mistreating others. Persuasive methods are when someone is trying to move you into their negative frame of mind or opinion. There is also depressive ways of playing "poor me" in ways to try and get someone else to sulk with us.

The bottom line truth is that if we allow ourselves to get, or more importantly stay, into any of these frames of mind.. our Spirituality will decline & we will not be open to grow or let good things in. This is not myth in my life, it is simple fact. So the down & depressed state I was in yesterday needed a conscious correction, or I was to get the same results. If I have to live Sober & miserable everyday, one day at a time, then my existance sober is not worthwhile. That is why there is a solution, thats why the program I work & the 12 steps are designed to face the fears & misery and turn them over to a higher power. The people in general in the fellowships are positive because thats what doing the work the program demands brings. If sobriety & spiritual living are one of your goals, it teaches us exactly how to achieve both of them. If followed with heart & dedication miserable moments in life will be a turn off, and not an excuse to go use or drink. The program has taught me that misery loves company and it loves to use drinks & drugs to keep me coming back. I thank my higher power for the solution today, for the program, for positive people that have been there for me when I could not life myself up. Even if just for a day, I have today.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

We Can Only Fix Ourselves - Acceptance

April 06. Hey friends. What a rotten start to my week, I am ever grateful to my family & support group in the 12 step rooms for helping me through. I hope all of you have had a great day in spite of mine. To keep it simple I started the morning out to discover the actions of betrayal by someone close to my heart for many years. The underlying problem isn't so important as me getting ahold of & actually working a solution to cope with it.

I had to end a long time close bond with someone because of their deception and lack of consideration to emotional side effects caused by their actions. This happened around 8AM, my day & spirituality were both devastated to a near collapse. I can recall being near tears & nervously shaking from the tone of the conversation & the fact they didn't care if I was hurt by their choices.

In the end after the day spent in a muddy state of mind, I had to go on. My mom made me dinner, well aware of the situation & my condition. She knew I needed fuel to keep going & get to a meeting. I got to talk to some friends in recovery & even resorted to breaking parts of the problem to my sponsor. It was not easy to talk about. Anger, sadness, outrage, pride, fear, ego.. all these things were broken & leaking out of me.

As the end of the night approached I was reminded of my lack of power over others and their choices. Moreso it was relayed to me this, "No matter how much we change or how much right doing we do... Others, even the ones we love, can do wrong & let us down." Sound advice to remember when in heartache. Another bit of the solution was something I have spoken on before, the placement of expectation. When we place expectations on a person or situation we are opening up a door for dissapointment & resentment.

These suggestions and principles being true I am trying to drag myself through this. I must heal spiritually before I can continue to grow, but determined as ever I will march wounded toward the happiness promised in the 9th step. Acceptance & rational evaluation of what I have truly lost, if anything at all must be done so I can move past this spiritual damage. Thanks for listening to my emotional disaster.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Monday, April 5, 2010

Wild Fire - New Growth From Burned Out Life

April 05. Hey everybody, hope your Easter was a great one if you celebrated the holiday. I know that mine was just fine & I am ever greatful to have been Sober for the event. This morning I woke up tired & not really ready for "people". I went from my EZ-chair where I fell asleep to the bed that was occupied earlier during the night. I didn't get woken until our early dinner time came around at 12:30. Dinner was delicious but I couldn't stuff alot in, which is unusual for the holidays. I couldn't shake that groggy feeling & by the time the kids went out for their easter egg hunt I was falling asleep in my chair again. I slept so long I missed the departure of everyone and woke up to an empty house, and an almost empty feeling.

I decided a coffee would be good and headed out to find something to fill the gap I was feeling. I ended up at Dunkin Doughnuts and suprisingly ran into some friends from the fellowship. It was a great find, almost treasure, considering how I was feeling prior to pulling up to the place. We chatted for several minutes and my mind hit a better zone, realizing life will go on and there is still many great things to be grateful for. Missing half of the visit from everybody had me down, but things were picking up. The coffee was great and the talk too, I headed out to keep busy and out of trouble for a while.

I enjoyed a nice drive to clear my head and find a positive not to go off of. I ended up parking to enjoy the nighttime view in one of my favorite spots over the city in the valley below. It had gotten extremely late & before I knew it I was heading home in the dead of night, but not everything was dead. On my ride home I look off to the landscape to my right, only to see that the entire mountain was ablaze on fire. The destruction was not my first thought, I was captivated by the amazing glow of embers and flame in the black of night. It was a beautiful display of light and color, and it stretched for MILES. There was no access for fire trucks in the woods, but i noticed one emergency vehicle far off from the blaze, about a mile or two on a trail. This was a once in a lifetime sight.

Like watching an entire city burn, I would never see this again. A few others had pulled over, maybe 6 of us in total and all awestruck. I took a few pictures and an undercover officer in uniform drove up to each of our cars and urged us to move on. I wonder if we werent supposed to see them letting it just burn. In any case, I didn't want trouble so on I went. It made me think of how destroyed alot of the habitat and the forest would be. Like in my own life, everything was singed and burnt to a crisp. You would think it a tragedy, and it sort of is.. even what happened in my life for so long. But when the blaze died down, when I was finally burnt out, something amazing happened.

The destruction of nearly everything allowed room for new, pure, strong things to grow. As new trees and plants will grow, birds and animals will move back to the scorched mountainside one day. Although there was loss, the environment like my life has a chance to gain much. On the right track and in the right conditions the forest will thrive, I too can thrive if I stay on the path of spirituality & sobriety. So I guess my point is tonight that not all bad things end bad. The forest will live, so will I. Both of us coming back stronger than before, with the will of my higher power. From a great tragedy has come great miracles & more will come with patience and hard work. So when the city must burn.. let it, just be aware that the recovery of all is a long, demanding process. I urge everyone who knows someone who has "burned out" to have the patience, and if you chose to try and help, wait til the fire is out. When the conditions are right, the great things in their forest will blossom if they are given the right seeds. I get my seeds from the 12 step program & all my friends in the fellowship. Plant the right seeds, and the right things will grow. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Easter Resurrection - Raising Spirituality From The Dead

April 3. Hey friends, saturday is just about over and Easter Sunday is on the near horizon. I hope everyone had a wonderful saturday, mine was full of sunshine & enjoyment. Business was slow all day but I somehow was lucky enough to win the 50/50 drawing for the vendors that sell there, making some much appreciated cash. Business is closed sunday for the holiday so winning was as though I was open both days. Aside from that I enjoyed some coffee/leisure time afterwards. I got home a little after nine, mom, dad, jessica and little cj were all hanging out cooking desserts for tomorrow. So my mind has been on Easter & its significance to many in the world.

The story is known by many and is that Jesus died on the cross for the sins of all man, and rose from the dead.. after ascending into heaven to sit with the higher power. Now I can't say if the story is true, but the symbols in this story are very touching to me. I say that because of my deep parallel with the story the scriptures tell. I lived my life, like Jesus, not making it to an old age. Although my purpose was not divine or holy my life truly did come to an abrupt end as his did. Things stabbing into my body (needles) and many other varities of drink & drug had killed my spirituality in its entirety. I was dead inside, he was dead to mortal life according to the story.

The similarities don't stop there though, I want to make it clear that I am grateful for the forgiveness of my wrongs and for having been lost on the wrong path. Without his death for me I would not have the forgiveness or the ability to forgive myself today. The story continues that later he rose from the dead, coming back to life again, being seen, felt, and experienced by others as his witness, as the higher power's witness as well. Through that same higher power that raised Lord Jesus, I too was raised from my spiritual death, being sparred a mortal death as well. I was at the door of death many times and close to being entirely consumed on any passing day.

So as he was raised and other's had the joy of seeing him live again, my family too gets that joy. All of those who have ever loved me love me once again, even some who had thought they would never see or experience me again as a living, loving, breathing man. In the scriptures Jesus goes on to sit with the higher power, although I have not yet seen that phase of my existance.. through spirituality I do get to walk with the higher power. It leads me today by use of many tools, and all I need to is work with them to stay on the path. The tools are the 12 steps in the program, my family & loved ones, my true friends & the fellowship that teaches me how to live Sober.

He HAS RISEN, So have I. My higher power I believe is the same that made Jesus' miracle occur, and he is the same that makes miracles in life for others as well. No matter who you are, what you believe, I truly feel that my higher power looks out for you. In sickness, health, life & death, so long as you seek the spiritual way of life you will be taken care of. I challenge everyone this Easter to resurrect the Spirituality in your life, no matter your belief or disbelief... you can do this by making the day special for someone else, by doing for others. Whatever it takes to grow spiritually and stay sober, I am willing to do it. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Friday, April 2, 2010

Many Banners. One Flag - Our Own Spirituality

April 02. Well friday is almost over just a half hour or so left. Hope everyone enjoyed the day, it was sunny and beautiful here. I ended up helping out the family by filling some drainage holes and ditches with gravel and sand. For how beautiful the day was the work was almost a pleasure. I think that my spiritual changes in life contribute to that as well. Had I been working for myself or for a paycheck I don't think that the satisfaction may have been that great. The spiritual way is the way of selflessness & helping others, I am more convinced of this each passing day. After doing that work I aided in loading & unloading two riding lawnmowers into the back of a truck over the course of three stops and 25 miles. The ride with the sun shining and the windows down was all worth it, radio blasting my favorite songs.

By the evening we had all met for dinner at a friend's pizza shop. The owner happens to be a friend from the 12 step programs & it's always good to see him as well as support his business. A great meal, then off to a meeting. I got back home & visited for a while, making a small campfire outside for CJ & his mom to enjoy. They went home & I caught up on some news, a beautiful day indeed! So as I was thinking about spirituality & how relative it is to my life, I thought about how absent it can be in the world as well. It seems that alot of times our beliefs, convictions, and ways of life can cause us to step away from spiritual principles.

A good example of this is countries in religious war/termoil. As a whole, the societies involved are riddled with hatred and deathwishes on one another. Somehow though there are those who wish no harm, that want the fighting to stop, and see brother human love brother human. And sisterhoods as well. I think about the corruption in the organized churches and the sex scandels being investigated. A minority there is giving the whole society a label of spiritless devils. No matter what the situation or the group, only my own spirituality matters at the end of the day. If I look at the country, the religion, or persons that believe or follow the same way I chose for life I will find dissapointment. This is why a personal and direct relationship with a higher power is so vital to my Sobriety.

Any dissapointments in my belief can cause distance between me and my higher power, weakening my spirituality and risking a relapse in turn. I can see the danger today, and worse danger if I put my fate in the hands of any group or specific. That is also why I like the 12 step programs so much, they contribute the success of sobriety not to themselves but to a higher power. Some call it God, but names do not matter, the existance and presence in my life is what matters. Spirituality and my higher power go hand in hand, I have met spiritual people of many ethnicities, countries of origin, beliefs, and religions.. all of them share one thing.. a spiritual way of life through living to be less self seeking than before. All of them in the end contribute their growth to a higher power, although not named the same always somehow the description is the same. Spiritual people don't dwell on punishment or righteous powers, they see the power of love, beauty, opportunity, and growth. I strive to be like them all, to grow to a spiritual fitness that no matter what others do or believe I can love & aid them in their journey as a person of this world. What have you done to better love others today? Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Expect The Unexpected - Expectations = Resentment

April 1st. Hey happy April fools day friends. Any good pranks happen to you? I skated through the day with out seeing a good prank, but I did get a funny text for the holiday. It was a really busy day for me, starting first thing this morning too. My mom and I went up to my shop at the market and worked for five hours cutting wood and lattice to rennovate the are and provide secure storage. The operation was a success and I honestly almost couldn't keep up with my mom's drive to get things accomplished. I didn't sleep great wed night so I was dragging by the end of the job. I had to do charity work by loading a huge load of merchandise that one of my partner's that pulled out left behind. So I loaded it up then had to carry it down their steps to their house when I delivered it later on my way home. Needless to say when I got to my place I was worn out. Mom and I both fell asleep and not intentionally because she was supposed to stir me in a half hour to head out for an appointment.

I ended up late and it was too far into the hour to be able to have the session, so I wasn't able to do more than have a "free talk" so to speak for a little while. All in all that is okay because the person was a little negative today and wasn't in the mood for my cheerful status. Or to say the least I couldn't rub off on her, she was hardened from a long day I think. Anyway I ended up meeting up with a friend who after talking is seeming to be lost as of late. I made some suggestions & I think all of them went in one ear and out the other. We went for a ride to visit my brother and had a great visit. I gave him some neon lights for his new classic car and headed out for coffee & to get canolli to bring home to my mom. So here I am, sorry to have bored you with my day, but it was sure a long one. Its days like these I don't know what to expect, but a conversation with someone else has left me even more clueless.

That brings tonight's topic.. expectations. As an alcoholic/addict I have a trait like others that causes me to often place expectations on people, events, and situations in my life. Expectations are nothing but premeditated resentments, I say this because we will often be let down or someone will come short. Even sometimes we fail to meet our own expectations, even at our best. So as a practice, I try to not place them on anything. I am far from perfecting this, and today was no exception. I had expected to know certian things from someone, and expected for them to give me answers and treat me a certain way. I got nothing I expected, in fact I built resentment that I later had to turn over to my higher power. If I would learn that people are not here to live for me, but for themselves & their higher power, I can get a spiritual aid in lowering or eliminating my expectations.

So are there times where we should have expectations at all? I can't answer that, I know that I do often have them. I also know that when I do I am continually feeling that they are not met and I build resentment, sorrow, fear, or other emotions that don't contribute to spiritual living. So the next time we expect anything, maybe we should take a deep breath and learn to enjoy what little comes our way. Its certainly better than being sore over what we didn't get. Its all about the way you shine that light on things, the light of the spirit. Expect the unexpected? Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy