Admitting & Accepting - The First Step

April 22. Hey all you spiritual people, hope today was as good as any other for you.. or better than that even. My day was long, but I feel accomplished & content.. oh & I didn't take a drink or a drug to get through it either. Afterall that's my objective right? To keep that destructive force out of my life so that spirituality can thrive not shrink. I was up early because I couldn't sleep, catching maybe an hours nap before I went to my doctor's appointment in the afternoon. It was a great appointment with an awesome group that followed it & some new faces that I got to get familiar with. I also got to spend some time w/ my mom because she accompanied me on my travels, it's a long ride to my doc almost 45 minutes. So we did a little shopping for some this & that stuff we needed then back home. I tried to get a little more rest before my evening meeting but as I drifted off finally the time came to get ready.

The meeting was great because I got to see my sponsor & the topic was focused on the newcomers that were in attendance. I love newcomers at meetings because we often focus solely on the first step for the whole hour. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (drugs, being no good at life aka alcoholism), and our lives had become unmanageable." Thats the first step with a little inclusion of my own inside the brackets. It's an important step & is the true beginning of any alcoholic or addicts road to recovery. At some point we have to finally seen enough & failed enough times to be convinced that we have lost the power of the drink, drug, emotions, & even some actions. Our lives are as unmanagable as our habits & sometimes more, like our wallets, our emotions, our entire life out of focus & lacking clear direction. Without admitting this & fully taking this step, we can never hope to recover or grow spiritually.

It was a step that I didn't struggle with much, I knew from a young age that I had a problem & I didn't know how to stop it.. the solution was unimaginable until I had been nearly buried by my addiction. I was so in tune with my struggle yet so blind to the relief that awaited, I actually had made peace with my higher power at that time, that I would live whatever is left of my life in the suffering & constant starving of a hungry addiction that could not be filled up. Later I found out that this acceptance of my condition & unmanagability had to be altered slightly, I needed to keep the powerless & unmanagable views, but not the vision of bearing the suffering until my last breath. As I dug deeper into the 12 steps & the fellowship's meetings I became more convinced that the suffering could come to an end & that a managable & joyful life was possible even for someone as sick as myself.

The thought of being eternally removed from my alcoholic lifestyle didn't seem possible, no one else said that I would be cured either. The fact is though that if only for today I focus on doing what's necessary for the relief from my disease, then today I have managed it & that is all due to powerfulness, not powerlessness. The power is not my own, I never overpowered my disease in 14 years of it having control. I am granted access to the power of the 12 steps & spiritual living, all gifts of my higher power & it's true will for me, and that provides the relief I need to be joyous & free. Today I am at peace with myself for the most part & actively working the steps to further that comfort, have I attained that Serenity that is promised? Not everyday or even for a day in whole, but I get it in bits & pieces as I grow in spirit & sobriety. There are moments when I can't help but feel blessed & live the miracle.

It is through working all 12 steps & following the suggestions in the Big Book that will introduce me to that lasting Serenity that is promised. It is also changing myself gradually so that my will each day is more like the will of my higher power, because I have free will this is the least I can do in attempts to brighten my dark past. I feel the rewards everyday, usually through my encounters with others.. which is where my spirituality thrives & I am actually powerful instead of powerless. Miracles like these don't happen over night & they don't go on being believed in by everyone. But belief is in my living & I chose to live for my beliefs, which are much different then the things I advocated in the past. So here's to the 12 steps & the grace of my higher power, each day empowering me a little more & making life more managable. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy