I Did It For (Blank) - Do It For Yourself & Carry The Light

April 24. Hey all, friday has officially come & gone. Now I get to enjoy my busy work weekend at my shop, I truly enjoy it even though it makes for long days. My friday wasn't too bad & things went a little differently for a change. I have tried many things to help regulate my sleep a little better, unless I want to be up late or am out the late nights until 4 & 5am are not doing my body or spirituality any good. None of the methods I have used in the past have been working, but this new way suggested by my doctor yeilded me a solid 5 hours of unbroken sleep last night. I got some rest later in the day before dinner which caught me up to where I felt energy tonight. I had an 8AM appointment which worked out exactly how I had hoped, then came back home to find my handsome & hilarious nephew at the house with my mom.

He watched a new movie that he wanted to see & the end of the Baukugon cartoon he likes, then went outside to rollerskate some. Only 4yrs old and full of energy & fearlessness for sports & balance. His youth reminds me of the childish & fearless trust I had to put into getting sober. He went home while I caught my last 2 hours of sleep & I woke up to get ready for dinner out w/ mom & dad. Afterwards a great meeting at my home group finished the night off. I stayed late to help clean up, gave a friend a ride to town, and finally stopped to relax & have a coffee at my favorite spot. I got to do some thinking by myself, which is sometimes good or bad depending on the condition of my alcoholic mind at the time.

See my thinking can either be spiritual & in line with my higher power's will & recovery, or it can be alcoholic & everything that won't produce positive substance into my life. While thinking a thought came across my mind. It had alot to do with people I have relationships with in my life & some about the future. I have a loving family & some very close friends that never abandoned hope when I gave up on myself for so long. Although I didn't have a wife or children when I got sober, or now for that matter, many people use their friends, family, or a nudge from their work or the courts as a motivation to get sober. I had thought tonight about how lucky I am to be an alcoholic & how lucky I am to have gotten sober for the right reasons.

Countless alcoholics & addicts have gotten sober because of a court sentence, a boss making them go, or a wife or children in jeapordy of being lost for good. Each of these cases the alcoholics have found themselves getting sober, and even some for fair periods of time. The things that they were about to lose or the freedom in jeapordy was enough motivation for them to give this sobriety thing a try. After time, many end up not being able to maintain a sober life or spiritual lifestyle & end up collapsing under the pressure or taking advantage of the return to normalcy. The reason behind this is that the motivation came from outside their heart & soul. Some were lucky enough, through the nudge of someone else, to end up in a recovery program & within their heart grew the desire to do it for themselves.

I feel fortunate for one simple reason, I did not have to go through the embarassment, feeling of letting someone down, or fears of judgement by others because I chose the path of recovery because it called out from my heart & soul. My entire world was in shambles, I had nothing left to turn my life around for... just myself & my higher power. That has given me the capacity to be honest with so much that is required of me to be, I have had no reservations because I truly wanted this for myself. I want to be a light in the world that shines on others, making their existance here enjoyable just through association of spiritual life I live. I know that I have alot more growing to do before I can ever achieve such a thing & I may never fully get there, but I can be the best man that I can be for alot of friends, family, & others that come into my life along the way as I try. I can be of service to my fellow man in so many ways, if no one else did or cared.. I would STILL DO IT. This is bigger than just me, my heart cannot hold all of it in even.

I had thought also tonight about the future, who & what it may bring if anything pertinent at all. I know that some day as I grow more relationships in my life I make it my goal to be a best friend to any who would have me befriend them. I know that my nephew & neices will be able to ask anything of me & so long as it does not do them harm or shatter their morality that I will finally be there to help & provide for them. Most importantly is the unkowns, one day I expect I will meet a woman who is interested in me, not necessarily understanding me fully either. I know that my choice of getting sober for myself has already affected the future, & those people in my life, as well as perhaps a wife in my future, will never have to wonder if my Sobriety or Spiritual way of life swings on a hinge that is variable & they will never have to question my love for them. It will always be that I got sober to be a better person, to grow instead of receed, to help instead of hinder. No matter who enters my life, I have to let them in & by chosing to do so. I also have a heartfelt & soul driven desire to make the lives of those who encounter me better, just by being me & being of service.

I know that I can only be this great man I work to be by further removing my self-seeking ways of the past from my current equation. I am doing this through working the 12 steps. No challenge has been greater in life for me than having put the drink down, except maybe to honestly & fearlessly examine myself & work to be rid of selfish things that I cannot share smiling with another person during a spiritual moment. For anyone who has ever thought about getting their act together for their kids, for school, for their career, their families, or their friends.. or any other reason.. please don't do it. DO IT FOR YOURSELF, be a light that shines so bright that others expose their darkness to you just for relief. Let your light shine! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy